South Park (1997–…): Season 25, Episode 5 - Help, My Teenager Hates Me! - full transcript
The boys find out that the joys of playing Airsoft come with the challenges of dealing with teenagers.
♪♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
Dad!
Dad, there's this new place
and you can actually go
and shoot each other,
only it's soft BBs
and they're biodegradable,
and the guns
are, like, totally real
except you don't actually
get hurt,
and it's like paintball
except for there's no mess,
and the stuff
all looks totally real,
and it's called Airsoft
and can I get one?
Wha... Wha... What?
There's an Airsoft field
where everybody plays on teams,
and I promise I'll take
good care of the equipment,
and if you think about it
it's a really great hobby
for team building and learning
communication and...
Whoa... Whoa... Whoa... Whoa...
I was just thinking
if you could come
to the Airsoft store with me...
Please, please, please,
all my friends
already bought their stuff,
and it's totally a way for us
to play outside
like you always say...
Come on, please,
only we can't tell mom
cuz she won't understand,
but it's totally safe
cuz you wear eye protection.
Okay, okay, Kyle, breathe.
Here it is!
Isn't this cool?!
Airsoft Armory?
Come on, Dad!
You gotta check it out!
My God!
Is this stuff real?!
No, Dad, it's Airsoft.
It's like paintball,
only it's way cooler
and it just looks totally real.
I-I really don't think
your mom would approve, Kyle.
Dad... Please.
I'm not a baby anymore.
The other guys...
They already got their stuff.
We're playing today!
Can I please just get, like,
an AK-47 and maybe a Glock?
This stuff is expensive.
Is this really how you want
to spend your allowance?
Yeah, yeah!
It really is!
These are all, like, legal,
right?
Uh, yes, sir.
You see you load these soft BBs
into the guns
and they just kinda sting.
And you can put the soft BBs
into grenades, rocket launchers,
all kinds of stuff.
So it's all totally safe?
Wul, I wouldn't particularly say
that...
I mean... all the stuff is safe,
the guns and grenades
and things... but...
But not necessarily the people
who mostly play Airsoft...
What people mostly play Airsoft?
Teenagers.
Referee: Alright, Airsofters,
let's listen up.
Before we let you onto
the field,
we need to run through
our safety precautions.
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
Teenager:
We know all the safety stuff...
First, your Airsoft guns
must all have a red tip...
Bruh, we know...
Second, there is no full auto
allowed on the field.
Bruh...
Third, there is a 500 fps limit
for your BBs.
Bruh, can we play now?
If you're hit by a BB,
raise your hand, say "hit,"
and go back to respawn.
Yes already, yes!
Alright,
you guys are Team Rogue Wolf.
You'll be playing against...
Where is Team Floppy Weiner?
Cartman: Right here!
What?!
Bruh, no! We aren't playing
with little kids!
Yeah, it'll be too easy!
Alright, fine!
Then we'll split the kids up
on two teams
and each one
will have a teenage partner.
Bruh, seriously?
- Kid with the poof ball, that's your teenager...
- Bruh.
Green hat kid,
that's your teenager...
Team B,
those are your two teenagers.
Alright, sweet!
Me and Kenny and our teenagers
are gonna smoke you guys!
♪♪
Teenager:
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Come on! This way!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
♪♪
♪♪
I got you, Cartman!
You didn't get me.
I totally got you,
I heard it hit your jacket...
Say hit and go back to respawn!
You didn't hit me, Kyle!
The BBs bounced off a leaf
or something, 'cause...
Agh! Agh!
Ok... Ok hit!
You got me.
That was sweet.
I'm outta green gas,
you got green gas?!
Yeah, I got some right here,
partner!
Bruh! Keep shooting!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God...
This is the greatest day
of my life.
Ow! Ow!
Hit!
Yes! Yes!
That was so awesome!
You guys, Airsoft rules!
This is... Ow!
Hit! Hit!
This is sweet!
- That was so cool!
- Mrphh rmhprh mrphmrhmrh!
- Best thing ever!
Dude, I can't believe we tied!
That was epic.
Yeah, well, Team Floppy Weiner
will get you guys next time!
That was seriously the best time
I've had in forever!
- Me too!
- And you know what else is cool?
We all have teenagers now!
I know! My teenager said
he's gonna come over
and show me how to clean my gun!
Cartman, are you okay?
I'm just really happy,
you guys...
Airsoft is seriously, like,
the greatest thing
in the whole world.
Well, here's my house.
Thanks, you guys.
For just a few, brief hours...
I forgot
how much everything sucks.
Can we promise each other we'll
do Airsoft, like, all the time?
Hell yeah, dude.
We just gotta keep
our teenagers happy
and we can play Airsoft
all the time.
I love you guys.
Hey, Kyle...
Uh, how did the Airsoft go?
I took a BB right to the face
with a sniper rifle.
It was so great, Dad.
Are you sure this isn't all
a little too much for you, son?
I'm not a baby anymore, Dad!
Ooh!
Oh, that's probably my teenager!
See ya, Dad.
I love you!
I love you, too, Kyle.
I got it!
Gerald... why is Kyle wearing
my makeup on his face?
He's just...
Experimenting.
Are you Kyle?
Yeah!
I'm here to drop off Trevor.
He said he's your teenager now.
Yah, that's right!
Okay!
Well, good luck.
What time
are you picking me up?!
Just gimme a call...
Don't make it too soon, though,
because I am going to relax.
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad!
Go away, I don't wanna see
your stupid face!
Cool, dude, so, uh, you wanna,
like, clean our Airsoft guns?
I'm starving to death.
Can you make me
some food?!
Wul... Like what kind of food
do you want?
leave me alone!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hello?
Bruh, how do I make ramen?
Excuse me?
I'm starving, and the
instructions are all stupid.
Oh, is this my teenager?
How's it going, dude?
It's not going!
The ramen's all hard
and I can't eat it like that!
Wul, you have to put the noodles
in boiling water.
Where do I get water?
You...
Do you have a sink?
Bruh.
Bruh, what?
I'm sorry
I'm not a five star chef!
Hey, man, it's cool.
Lemme uh...
Lemme slow it down for ya.
♪♪
Swamp Sniper:
That one right there!
Take him out!
Dude, Swamp Sniper rules.
Hello?
What...
What are you doing, dude?
I need a bathroom.
Y-You need to use my bathroom?
I have to go to the bathroom...
Brah, what?!
Dude, Kenny, the weirdest thing
just happened.
My teenager showed up
at my house,
and he's acting really strange.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Yours did too?
Why do I have all these
zits on my face?!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
You don't even care!
You don't care because you don't
even know me!
What the hell are these things?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Dude, that's my friend Kenny,
we gotta kill him!
I don't take orders from you!
Okay, okay, but if we kill Kenny
we get a point, right?
Come on!
Agh!
Mrph mrph mrph mrph!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No shooting
from less than 10 feet!
I wasn't less than 10 feet!
It's okay, it's fine.
We're sorry.
I'm not gonna play anymore.
This is stupid.
Dude, it's ok,
it's just a gay rule.
Come on, let's beat these guys!
Hit!
Dude, Kyle, where are you?
We started playing
like 20 minutes ago.
Yeah, I know!
My teenager asked me to take him
shopping for hair gel.
Hair gel?!
What the dude,
we're getting killed out here!
Just do your best,
I'll be there as fast as I can!
Okay, here it is.
This is the health care aisle.
Could you go a little faster?
Okay, here's all
the hair product stuff,
which one do you like to use?
I don't know.
What?
I don't know!
Kyle?
What are you doing?
Ugh, nothing, I'm...
I'm just shopping
with my teenager.
Can we go now?
Okay, but you asked me if
I could buy you some hair gel.
Shut up...
Well... at least I'm not the
only one dealing with this crap.
Your guy wants hair gel, too?
No, my teenager
wants more lotion.
All this guy does
is hang out in the bathroom
and go through like two bottles
of lotion a day.
I swear I don't know how soft
you could possibly want
your hands to be.
I just wanna get
to the Airsoft field,
Stan says your team
is killing them!
Damn right! Team Floppy Weiner
will destroy you guys!
Yeah, we'll see
when I use my sniper rifle!
You have to find me first!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh, you gotta be
kidding me.
There's one
over by the registers.
No, you are not taking
the lotion.
I hate you!
Okay, I'm sorry you hate me.
Just wanna play Airsoft,
buddy.
Oh, my God,
you gotta be shitting me.
Yeah... hello?
I'm not gay.
Whu... What?
Why'd you call me gay?!
Like,
what the hell do you know?!
You don't even know me.
I-I didn't call you gay.
They said I couldn't shoot a BB
within 10 feet,
and I just had to say bang bang,
and you got all salty
and said I was gay.
I was saying the rule was gay.
I wasn't talking anything
about sexual orientation.
Brah.
You're right,
I shouldn't have used that word!
Look... I was one of
the first people ever
to say there was nothing wrong
with being gay.
I had a dog that was gay!
Oh, so I'm a dog now?!
I'll kill you!
Okay, dude...
What... Do you want me to do?
I want you
to just leave me alone!
Okay, but you called me...
Hello? Hello?
Teenager:
What are you doing?
I'm holding my hand
over a lighter!
It's burning the shit
out of my hand!
Okay, don't hold your hand
over a lighter.
Bruh!
Bruh, this hurts so bad!
Oh, dude, it's black.
Is that what a third degree burn
looks like?!
Jesus Christ.
Dood, I just so lit
burned my hand.
I need like...
I need like emergency services.
Bruh, that was stoopid.
Yeah, that was kinda stupid.
I'm not stupid!
I seriously don't know
what to do...
I've tried being nice,
I've tried being harsh...
And I get nothing
from my teenager. Nothing.
Mrph.
Wul, you're lucky.
At least your teenager
doesn't threaten to kill you.
I'd love him to threaten
to do anything.
I'd love him to do.
Anything.
On the rare occasion that my
teenager isn't in the bathroom,
all he does is talk about
his miserable life.
I'm like... okay, dude,
I've got problems too.
But of course teenagers
don't care about your problems.
I'm like, "Look, buddy,
I live in a hot dog. Ok?
Like, maybe let's stop bitching
and just play Airsoft."
But you can't say that because
then they're just gonna...
- Want to kill themselves.
- Want to kill themselves.
- Want to kill themselves.
Yes, yes.
Mrph rmhmhm rm?
No, we can't give up
on Airsoft...
I'm like four hundred dollars
into this hobby.
And we love it.
Except for the part
about being around teenagers.
Well, apparently,
a lot of people
are in the same situation
we're in.
What do you mean?
I've been reading this book...
"Help, My Teenager Hates Me."
Wow.
Yeah... and... it has
some interesting ideas.
It says we're basically just
dealing with an age difference
- and we need to try and connect with them.
- Mrph?
It says
we should take them camping.
Camping?
Bruh...
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
Alright, guys!
We got the tents all set up.
Yeah, check em out!
Boy, isn't it nice out here?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
There's a lake over there
where we can rent kayaks!
So what do you guys wanna do?
Go home.
K, yeah, we can do that later,
but first maybe, um...
let's bond a bit...
Okay, looks like the tents
are set up...
Can you come out now?
Teenager:
I'm going to the bathroom!
Okay, well,
you should probably finish up.
I know
you took the lotion in there.
You really don't need soft hands
for camping.
Leave me alone!
Come on, dude.
No shit in the world
takes that long.
Hey, buddy, what's up?
I thought you were gonna go out
and play Airsoft today?
No...
I don't think I'm gonna go...
Oh.
D-Did something happen?
You wouldn't understand, Dad.
I just can't deal
with teenagers.
Oh.
Well, you know, they say
that the brain chemistry
of a teenager
is the same
as that of a psychopath.
The hormones and all that...
it's been proven they're
literally criminally insane.
You know, I just...
I just wanted to have fun...
And shoot my friends.
I-I just wanted
to shoot my friends, dad.
Oh, buddy, well,
maybe you could ask
the Airsoft field
to let you play
without the teenagers.
We did! They said
they hate the teenagers
just as much as anybody,
but they can't get rid of them.
And we've got no one else
to partner with.
Well... did you guys
ever consider your dads?
Come on in, boys.
Jesus Christ...
How long
has this store been here?
What do you think?
This one can shoot a thousand
BBs in like five seconds.
Seems pretty dangerous.
What if the police thought
that gun was real?
No, it's safe. See?
As long as your gun
has a red tip and you're white,
police won't shoot you.
Oh, that's good.
How can I, uh...
help you gentlemen?
We need some equipment.
We're gonna try
and take out some teenagers.
Huh... I think that's
a somewhat foolhardy plan.
Have you seen the kind of
weaponry the teenagers buy?
It's some of the biggest,
nastiest weapons we sell.
Yeah, well,
I've got something bigger.
American Express Platinum.
Give me one
of everything you have.
Yes, sir!
We... have completely had it
up to here with you.
Up to here!
Our friend Kyle
just wanted to play Airsoft.
And now he's quit
because of your attitudes.
What do you have to say
for yourselves?
Brah.
Yeah, brah, great, thank you.
I can't...
I can't.
Guys, things have to improve.
They just have to.
I've never seen anyone
so disrespectful.
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm?
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
I have never seen Kenny
like this ever.
Fine!
Then just leave!
Cuz we don't want you here.
And we don't want you here!
We just wanna play
Airsoft
without any of you on our team!
Fine, then why don't you just be
on your own team?
That sounds totally fine!
Us against you,
let's go!
Fine and if we win, you stay out
of our lives forever!
Fine, and you too
when we beat all you!
Yeah, you and what army?
Gerald: This army!
Dad?
Mrph?
Any of you pussy teenagers
wanna Airsoft
against some drunk rednecks?
We got new partners, guys!
That's awesome.
I wish I had a dad.
And that I didn't live
in a hot dog.
Oh, we got you a partner, too,
Eric.
You might remember
Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
♪♪
Did somebody say somethin' about
Airsoft against teenagers?!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ When they called me broken ♪
♪ I knew ♪
♪ When they called me evil ♪
Ow! Hit!
Ow!
I said hit, you bitch!
That's it, son!
Light em up!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
- Hit!
- Hit!
Brah!
Yee-haw!
♪♪
But there's one teenager
I can't seem to find!
I know where he is...
♪♪
♪ When I begged forgiveness ♪
♪ They knew ♪
I'm so sick of this crap...
♪ When I begged for mercy ♪
♪ They knew ♪
Bruh!
What the hell are you doin'?!
What you do to Jergens Lotion
isn't right.
♪ I would always
find my way ♪
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Bruh!
Aah, bruh!
- Aah!
Ow, my dick!
My dick! Aah!
They're not coming out of cover!
I don't see them!
It's ok, I've got an idea.
♪♪
Cover me.
♪♪
Bruh...
Dood... that's weed.
I smell weed.
♪ My name is ruin ♪
♪ My name is vengeance ♪
That smells dope!
♪ My name is no one ♪
Dood, it's a whole lit jar
of weed!
Dope!
That is so dope. Bruh!
♪ I'll show you broken ♪
♪ I'll show you shameless ♪
Bruh!
Teenager:
Ow! Aah! Yow!
- Bruh! Bruh!
- Bruh! Bruh!
- Aah!
Yeah!
- That was so epic!
- Did you see
how those teenagers ran?
That was so sweet, you guys!
I bet the teenagers will never
go back to that place again!
Of course they won't!
I saw half of em'
break their guns in frustration.
Hey, thanks, you guys.
We couldn't have gotten rid
of the teenagers without you.
Yeah, thanks, Dad.
Mrph rm!
Hey, that's what
we're here for, right?
We're just glad you wanted
to spend some time with us.
Well, I'm hungry,
is there any place around here
to get a hot dog?
Yes...
Yes, I live in a hot dog.
It's right over here!
Come on, you guys,
help me get it all ready!
Ok, let's go!
Come on, guys!
♪♪
Should I take them out now?
Not yet...
We still have a few good years
before they turn into monsters.
♪ When they called me broken ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
Dad!
Dad, there's this new place
and you can actually go
and shoot each other,
only it's soft BBs
and they're biodegradable,
and the guns
are, like, totally real
except you don't actually
get hurt,
and it's like paintball
except for there's no mess,
and the stuff
all looks totally real,
and it's called Airsoft
and can I get one?
Wha... Wha... What?
There's an Airsoft field
where everybody plays on teams,
and I promise I'll take
good care of the equipment,
and if you think about it
it's a really great hobby
for team building and learning
communication and...
Whoa... Whoa... Whoa... Whoa...
I was just thinking
if you could come
to the Airsoft store with me...
Please, please, please,
all my friends
already bought their stuff,
and it's totally a way for us
to play outside
like you always say...
Come on, please,
only we can't tell mom
cuz she won't understand,
but it's totally safe
cuz you wear eye protection.
Okay, okay, Kyle, breathe.
Here it is!
Isn't this cool?!
Airsoft Armory?
Come on, Dad!
You gotta check it out!
My God!
Is this stuff real?!
No, Dad, it's Airsoft.
It's like paintball,
only it's way cooler
and it just looks totally real.
I-I really don't think
your mom would approve, Kyle.
Dad... Please.
I'm not a baby anymore.
The other guys...
They already got their stuff.
We're playing today!
Can I please just get, like,
an AK-47 and maybe a Glock?
This stuff is expensive.
Is this really how you want
to spend your allowance?
Yeah, yeah!
It really is!
These are all, like, legal,
right?
Uh, yes, sir.
You see you load these soft BBs
into the guns
and they just kinda sting.
And you can put the soft BBs
into grenades, rocket launchers,
all kinds of stuff.
So it's all totally safe?
Wul, I wouldn't particularly say
that...
I mean... all the stuff is safe,
the guns and grenades
and things... but...
But not necessarily the people
who mostly play Airsoft...
What people mostly play Airsoft?
Teenagers.
Referee: Alright, Airsofters,
let's listen up.
Before we let you onto
the field,
we need to run through
our safety precautions.
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
Teenager:
We know all the safety stuff...
First, your Airsoft guns
must all have a red tip...
Bruh, we know...
Second, there is no full auto
allowed on the field.
Bruh...
Third, there is a 500 fps limit
for your BBs.
Bruh, can we play now?
If you're hit by a BB,
raise your hand, say "hit,"
and go back to respawn.
Yes already, yes!
Alright,
you guys are Team Rogue Wolf.
You'll be playing against...
Where is Team Floppy Weiner?
Cartman: Right here!
What?!
Bruh, no! We aren't playing
with little kids!
Yeah, it'll be too easy!
Alright, fine!
Then we'll split the kids up
on two teams
and each one
will have a teenage partner.
Bruh, seriously?
- Kid with the poof ball, that's your teenager...
- Bruh.
Green hat kid,
that's your teenager...
Team B,
those are your two teenagers.
Alright, sweet!
Me and Kenny and our teenagers
are gonna smoke you guys!
♪♪
Teenager:
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
Come on! This way!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
♪♪
♪♪
I got you, Cartman!
You didn't get me.
I totally got you,
I heard it hit your jacket...
Say hit and go back to respawn!
You didn't hit me, Kyle!
The BBs bounced off a leaf
or something, 'cause...
Agh! Agh!
Ok... Ok hit!
You got me.
That was sweet.
I'm outta green gas,
you got green gas?!
Yeah, I got some right here,
partner!
Bruh! Keep shooting!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my God...
This is the greatest day
of my life.
Ow! Ow!
Hit!
Yes! Yes!
That was so awesome!
You guys, Airsoft rules!
This is... Ow!
Hit! Hit!
This is sweet!
- That was so cool!
- Mrphh rmhprh mrphmrhmrh!
- Best thing ever!
Dude, I can't believe we tied!
That was epic.
Yeah, well, Team Floppy Weiner
will get you guys next time!
That was seriously the best time
I've had in forever!
- Me too!
- And you know what else is cool?
We all have teenagers now!
I know! My teenager said
he's gonna come over
and show me how to clean my gun!
Cartman, are you okay?
I'm just really happy,
you guys...
Airsoft is seriously, like,
the greatest thing
in the whole world.
Well, here's my house.
Thanks, you guys.
For just a few, brief hours...
I forgot
how much everything sucks.
Can we promise each other we'll
do Airsoft, like, all the time?
Hell yeah, dude.
We just gotta keep
our teenagers happy
and we can play Airsoft
all the time.
I love you guys.
Hey, Kyle...
Uh, how did the Airsoft go?
I took a BB right to the face
with a sniper rifle.
It was so great, Dad.
Are you sure this isn't all
a little too much for you, son?
I'm not a baby anymore, Dad!
Ooh!
Oh, that's probably my teenager!
See ya, Dad.
I love you!
I love you, too, Kyle.
I got it!
Gerald... why is Kyle wearing
my makeup on his face?
He's just...
Experimenting.
Are you Kyle?
Yeah!
I'm here to drop off Trevor.
He said he's your teenager now.
Yah, that's right!
Okay!
Well, good luck.
What time
are you picking me up?!
Just gimme a call...
Don't make it too soon, though,
because I am going to relax.
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad!
Go away, I don't wanna see
your stupid face!
Cool, dude, so, uh, you wanna,
like, clean our Airsoft guns?
I'm starving to death.
Can you make me
some food?!
Wul... Like what kind of food
do you want?
leave me alone!
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Hello?
Bruh, how do I make ramen?
Excuse me?
I'm starving, and the
instructions are all stupid.
Oh, is this my teenager?
How's it going, dude?
It's not going!
The ramen's all hard
and I can't eat it like that!
Wul, you have to put the noodles
in boiling water.
Where do I get water?
You...
Do you have a sink?
Bruh.
Bruh, what?
I'm sorry
I'm not a five star chef!
Hey, man, it's cool.
Lemme uh...
Lemme slow it down for ya.
♪♪
Swamp Sniper:
That one right there!
Take him out!
Dude, Swamp Sniper rules.
Hello?
What...
What are you doing, dude?
I need a bathroom.
Y-You need to use my bathroom?
I have to go to the bathroom...
Brah, what?!
Dude, Kenny, the weirdest thing
just happened.
My teenager showed up
at my house,
and he's acting really strange.
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Yours did too?
Why do I have all these
zits on my face?!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
You don't even care!
You don't care because you don't
even know me!
What the hell are these things?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Dude, that's my friend Kenny,
we gotta kill him!
I don't take orders from you!
Okay, okay, but if we kill Kenny
we get a point, right?
Come on!
Agh!
Mrph mrph mrph mrph!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No shooting
from less than 10 feet!
I wasn't less than 10 feet!
It's okay, it's fine.
We're sorry.
I'm not gonna play anymore.
This is stupid.
Dude, it's ok,
it's just a gay rule.
Come on, let's beat these guys!
Hit!
Dude, Kyle, where are you?
We started playing
like 20 minutes ago.
Yeah, I know!
My teenager asked me to take him
shopping for hair gel.
Hair gel?!
What the dude,
we're getting killed out here!
Just do your best,
I'll be there as fast as I can!
Okay, here it is.
This is the health care aisle.
Could you go a little faster?
Okay, here's all
the hair product stuff,
which one do you like to use?
I don't know.
What?
I don't know!
Kyle?
What are you doing?
Ugh, nothing, I'm...
I'm just shopping
with my teenager.
Can we go now?
Okay, but you asked me if
I could buy you some hair gel.
Shut up...
Well... at least I'm not the
only one dealing with this crap.
Your guy wants hair gel, too?
No, my teenager
wants more lotion.
All this guy does
is hang out in the bathroom
and go through like two bottles
of lotion a day.
I swear I don't know how soft
you could possibly want
your hands to be.
I just wanna get
to the Airsoft field,
Stan says your team
is killing them!
Damn right! Team Floppy Weiner
will destroy you guys!
Yeah, we'll see
when I use my sniper rifle!
You have to find me first!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh, you gotta be
kidding me.
There's one
over by the registers.
No, you are not taking
the lotion.
I hate you!
Okay, I'm sorry you hate me.
Just wanna play Airsoft,
buddy.
Oh, my God,
you gotta be shitting me.
Yeah... hello?
I'm not gay.
Whu... What?
Why'd you call me gay?!
Like,
what the hell do you know?!
You don't even know me.
I-I didn't call you gay.
They said I couldn't shoot a BB
within 10 feet,
and I just had to say bang bang,
and you got all salty
and said I was gay.
I was saying the rule was gay.
I wasn't talking anything
about sexual orientation.
Brah.
You're right,
I shouldn't have used that word!
Look... I was one of
the first people ever
to say there was nothing wrong
with being gay.
I had a dog that was gay!
Oh, so I'm a dog now?!
I'll kill you!
Okay, dude...
What... Do you want me to do?
I want you
to just leave me alone!
Okay, but you called me...
Hello? Hello?
Teenager:
What are you doing?
I'm holding my hand
over a lighter!
It's burning the shit
out of my hand!
Okay, don't hold your hand
over a lighter.
Bruh!
Bruh, this hurts so bad!
Oh, dude, it's black.
Is that what a third degree burn
looks like?!
Jesus Christ.
Dood, I just so lit
burned my hand.
I need like...
I need like emergency services.
Bruh, that was stoopid.
Yeah, that was kinda stupid.
I'm not stupid!
I seriously don't know
what to do...
I've tried being nice,
I've tried being harsh...
And I get nothing
from my teenager. Nothing.
Mrph.
Wul, you're lucky.
At least your teenager
doesn't threaten to kill you.
I'd love him to threaten
to do anything.
I'd love him to do.
Anything.
On the rare occasion that my
teenager isn't in the bathroom,
all he does is talk about
his miserable life.
I'm like... okay, dude,
I've got problems too.
But of course teenagers
don't care about your problems.
I'm like, "Look, buddy,
I live in a hot dog. Ok?
Like, maybe let's stop bitching
and just play Airsoft."
But you can't say that because
then they're just gonna...
- Want to kill themselves.
- Want to kill themselves.
- Want to kill themselves.
Yes, yes.
Mrph rmhmhm rm?
No, we can't give up
on Airsoft...
I'm like four hundred dollars
into this hobby.
And we love it.
Except for the part
about being around teenagers.
Well, apparently,
a lot of people
are in the same situation
we're in.
What do you mean?
I've been reading this book...
"Help, My Teenager Hates Me."
Wow.
Yeah... and... it has
some interesting ideas.
It says we're basically just
dealing with an age difference
- and we need to try and connect with them.
- Mrph?
It says
we should take them camping.
Camping?
Bruh...
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
- Bruh...
Alright, guys!
We got the tents all set up.
Yeah, check em out!
Boy, isn't it nice out here?
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
There's a lake over there
where we can rent kayaks!
So what do you guys wanna do?
Go home.
K, yeah, we can do that later,
but first maybe, um...
let's bond a bit...
Okay, looks like the tents
are set up...
Can you come out now?
Teenager:
I'm going to the bathroom!
Okay, well,
you should probably finish up.
I know
you took the lotion in there.
You really don't need soft hands
for camping.
Leave me alone!
Come on, dude.
No shit in the world
takes that long.
Hey, buddy, what's up?
I thought you were gonna go out
and play Airsoft today?
No...
I don't think I'm gonna go...
Oh.
D-Did something happen?
You wouldn't understand, Dad.
I just can't deal
with teenagers.
Oh.
Well, you know, they say
that the brain chemistry
of a teenager
is the same
as that of a psychopath.
The hormones and all that...
it's been proven they're
literally criminally insane.
You know, I just...
I just wanted to have fun...
And shoot my friends.
I-I just wanted
to shoot my friends, dad.
Oh, buddy, well,
maybe you could ask
the Airsoft field
to let you play
without the teenagers.
We did! They said
they hate the teenagers
just as much as anybody,
but they can't get rid of them.
And we've got no one else
to partner with.
Well... did you guys
ever consider your dads?
Come on in, boys.
Jesus Christ...
How long
has this store been here?
What do you think?
This one can shoot a thousand
BBs in like five seconds.
Seems pretty dangerous.
What if the police thought
that gun was real?
No, it's safe. See?
As long as your gun
has a red tip and you're white,
police won't shoot you.
Oh, that's good.
How can I, uh...
help you gentlemen?
We need some equipment.
We're gonna try
and take out some teenagers.
Huh... I think that's
a somewhat foolhardy plan.
Have you seen the kind of
weaponry the teenagers buy?
It's some of the biggest,
nastiest weapons we sell.
Yeah, well,
I've got something bigger.
American Express Platinum.
Give me one
of everything you have.
Yes, sir!
We... have completely had it
up to here with you.
Up to here!
Our friend Kyle
just wanted to play Airsoft.
And now he's quit
because of your attitudes.
What do you have to say
for yourselves?
Brah.
Yeah, brah, great, thank you.
I can't...
I can't.
Guys, things have to improve.
They just have to.
I've never seen anyone
so disrespectful.
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm?
Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm!
I have never seen Kenny
like this ever.
Fine!
Then just leave!
Cuz we don't want you here.
And we don't want you here!
We just wanna play
Airsoft
without any of you on our team!
Fine, then why don't you just be
on your own team?
That sounds totally fine!
Us against you,
let's go!
Fine and if we win, you stay out
of our lives forever!
Fine, and you too
when we beat all you!
Yeah, you and what army?
Gerald: This army!
Dad?
Mrph?
Any of you pussy teenagers
wanna Airsoft
against some drunk rednecks?
We got new partners, guys!
That's awesome.
I wish I had a dad.
And that I didn't live
in a hot dog.
Oh, we got you a partner, too,
Eric.
You might remember
Stan's Uncle Jimbo.
♪♪
Did somebody say somethin' about
Airsoft against teenagers?!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ When they called me broken ♪
♪ I knew ♪
♪ When they called me evil ♪
Ow! Hit!
Ow!
I said hit, you bitch!
That's it, son!
Light em up!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
- Hit!
- Hit!
Brah!
Yee-haw!
♪♪
But there's one teenager
I can't seem to find!
I know where he is...
♪♪
♪ When I begged forgiveness ♪
♪ They knew ♪
I'm so sick of this crap...
♪ When I begged for mercy ♪
♪ They knew ♪
Bruh!
What the hell are you doin'?!
What you do to Jergens Lotion
isn't right.
♪ I would always
find my way ♪
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Bruh!
Aah, bruh!
- Aah!
Ow, my dick!
My dick! Aah!
They're not coming out of cover!
I don't see them!
It's ok, I've got an idea.
♪♪
Cover me.
♪♪
Bruh...
Dood... that's weed.
I smell weed.
♪ My name is ruin ♪
♪ My name is vengeance ♪
That smells dope!
♪ My name is no one ♪
Dood, it's a whole lit jar
of weed!
Dope!
That is so dope. Bruh!
♪ I'll show you broken ♪
♪ I'll show you shameless ♪
Bruh!
Teenager:
Ow! Aah! Yow!
- Bruh! Bruh!
- Bruh! Bruh!
- Aah!
Yeah!
- That was so epic!
- Did you see
how those teenagers ran?
That was so sweet, you guys!
I bet the teenagers will never
go back to that place again!
Of course they won't!
I saw half of em'
break their guns in frustration.
Hey, thanks, you guys.
We couldn't have gotten rid
of the teenagers without you.
Yeah, thanks, Dad.
Mrph rm!
Hey, that's what
we're here for, right?
We're just glad you wanted
to spend some time with us.
Well, I'm hungry,
is there any place around here
to get a hot dog?
Yes...
Yes, I live in a hot dog.
It's right over here!
Come on, you guys,
help me get it all ready!
Ok, let's go!
Come on, guys!
♪♪
Should I take them out now?
Not yet...
We still have a few good years
before they turn into monsters.
♪ When they called me broken ♪
♪♪