South Park (1997–…): Season 19, Episode 7 - Naughty Ninjas - full transcript

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
HARRIS: Attention all units
in the vicinity of South Park Elementary.
We have a code red.
[ Gun cocks ] Principal calling for help during school assembly.
All officers needed at once.
The school? [ Engine turns over ]
Oh, geez Louise!
[ Sirens wailing, tires screeching ]
[ Guns cocking ]
[ Tires screech, glass shatters ]
We need to get to the gym.
Half go this way, half go around the side.
Barbrady, you go around back.
[ Breathing heavily ]
On 3.
1...2...
There she is, officers, right there.
I told you to stop chatting with your friends, didn't I, Leslie?
You see, officers, apparently, Leslie thinks
that talking to her friends is more important
than learning about diversity in third-world countries.
It's that one.
That's her, right there. You remove her from my school.
Aah! Nobody move! What's happening?!
Get her out of here! Oh, they've got me!
[ Gunshot ] Aah!
Aah!
This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady.
People are tired of the police
not being held accountable for their actions.
Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman or a bomb --
You shot an unarmed 6-year-old Latino child.
I'm sorry.
You are fired.
No, Mayor, please.
This is all I know.
I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember?
Bob, I-I used to chase away the sixth graders for you.
You're from another time, Barbrady,
and the last thing that needs to go.
Your gun and your badge.
And your sunglasses.
No. Please. Not my sunglasses.
You're done, Barbrady.
The town doesn't want you here.
Where should I go?
You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican.
[ Whispering ] Latino American.
Latino American. Shit.
You should go away.
You don't belong anywhere
in a town as progressive as this one.
Hey, quiet down over there. I'm trying to sleep.
God damn it. You people all get out of here!
What makes you in charge?
'Cause this is my fucking house!
[ Drum thuds ]
Hey, beat it, man,
or I'll make you my bitch!
Aah!
Yeah, we've got a bunch of drug-addict vagrants
trespassing in our yard, and we need assistance.
Oh, is that so?
Well, we'd like to come help you,
but we don't want to get fired.
What are you talking about?
There's homeless people here, and they're scaring my kids.
You need to come do something about this.
I see.
And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion?
Why does that matter?
Oh, it matters.
See, used to be we could beat up minorities, and nobody cared.
It's the reason a lot of us joined the force.
Hey, Mitch, you want to go down and arrest some homeless people,
but not be able to beat up any minorities?
No, thank you.
Yeah, no, I think we're good.
In fact, we're thinking of maybe
turning the whole department into a hula school.
What do you think?
God damn it!
What are they doing?!
They're not coming!
But they have to!
Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake!
Well, it's just too bad.
The cops won't come,
so there's nobody to scare the homeless away.
[ Lock disengages, door squeaks ]
Hey, sweetheart.
I've, uh -- I've been let go from the force.
I'm so sorry.
[ Dog whimpers ]
Don't worry, old girl.
Might be a little tough to afford your medication,
but I'll find a way.
You know me.
I like to help.
I like to be needed.
You guys! Oh, my God, you guys!
You guys, they're gay! They're totally gay.
Who?
Kenny and Token.
What?
Kenny and Token, dude.
They're so gay. Butters told me.
You're lying. No, dude.
In those old, abandoned buildings around Kenny's house,
Kenny and Token turned it into a big ninja clubhouse,
and they dress up and play ninja in it,
trying to scare people away.
How is that gay?
It's the gayest thing ever, dude!
Ninjas are fucking dumb!
Dude, come on! We got to go see this!
Over this way!
[ Traditional Japanese music plays ]
Wah! Wah, wah!
Hoo-ah, wah, wah!
We will defend our ninja honor.
Wo-chew, wo-chew!
Intruders! Defend the base!
[ Music continues ]
Hey, guys, did you come to see our ninja fortress?
[ Gong crashes ] Oh, my God. They're so gay, you guys.
You and Kenny built all this?
Yeah, with Clyde and David, too.
You guys should come and check it out.
Uh, no. We're good, thanks.
Oh, my God, dude. It's a sausage party.
It's pretty cool, dude. People are really scared of us.
Yeah, I'm sure they are.
Hey, excuse me, man. Do you know where --
[ Middle Eastern music plays ]
Aah! Aahhhh!
[ All grunting ]
Oh, my God!
Go, go, go! [ Tires squeal ]
[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]
That's pretty cool.
Well, the way I heard it was that the girl in the school
wasn't even doing anything, just talking too loud,
and someone ends up getting shot.
Hey! What do you want?
It's okay. I'm off-duty.
Just came for a nice Pinot.
Yeah? Well, go somewhere else, copper.
ShiTpaTown is for people who care about each other.
We don't take kindly
to folks who impose their authority
on the underprivileged.
Now, look, not all cops
are racist, trigger-happy assholes.
Really?
I'll bet you don't even know what "farm-to-table" means.
-Yeah! -All right!
Wow.
We've only had a Whole Foods for a month,
and already, we don't need cops.
So cool.
It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas.
Joining our club is very serious.
You must promise to uphold the warrior's code.
Totally, dude. Ninjas are sweet.
Together, we must strive to make our fortress super badass
and keep all intruders out.
To that end, let us proceed to our training.
Dude, can I talk to you for a minute?
Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay?
He said ninjas were gay.
He's probably gonna try to turn it around on me,
but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him.
You're talking to Kyle right now.
Yeah, cool.
It's me -- Butters.
You're the one who said ninjas were gay.
Why do you want to make this a problem?
I'm -- I'm just Butters, man.
I have problems with lots of things.
Hey, Eric, you want to try sparring with me?!
Yes I do, Butters.
Ooh! Ow! [ Coughs ]
Intruders!
Yeah, it's right up here.
We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings.
[ All grunting ]
[ Middle Eastern music plays ]
Aah! Aah! Aah. Aah!
The town of South Park
is holding a large protest tonight
outside of their police department.
The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialogue
about the relationship between law enforcement
and the citizens they are supposed to protect.
[ Album scratching ] ♪ Fuck the police ♪
♪ Comin' straight from the underground ♪
♪ A young nigga got it bad 'cause I'm Brown ♪
♪ And not the other color, so police think ♪
♪ They have the authority to kill a minority ♪
♪ Fuck that shit, 'cause I ain't the one ♪
♪ For a punk motherfucker with a badge and a gun ♪
♪ To be beaten on and thrown in jail ♪
♪ We can go toe-to-toe in the middle of a cell ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Fuck the police ♪
♪ Fuck, fuck ♪
♪ Fuck the police ♪
♪ Fuck, fuck ♪
♪ Pulling out a silly club, so you stand ♪
♪ With a fake-ass badge and a gun in your hand ♪
♪ But take off the gun so you can see what's up ♪
♪ And we'll go at it, punk, and I'mma fuck you up ♪
♪ Ice Cube will swarm ♪
♪ On any motherfucker in a blue uniform ♪
♪ Just 'cause I'm from the CPT
♪ Punk police are afraid of me, huh ♪
♪ A young nigga on the warpath
♪ And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath ♪
♪ Of cops, dying in L.A. ♪
♪ Yo, Dre, I got something to say ♪
♪ Fuck the police ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Fuck the police ♪
Aahhhh!
Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations?
A shocking report shows
that some kids in the town of South Park
are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime.
Yeah, we're pretty badass,
and, um, this is, like, our fortress,
and you can see it's pretty cool.
MAN: And what about this way of life is attractive to you?
BUTTERS: Well, it's just cool 'cause we're tough,
and we fight and stuff.
And we can -- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
And it's like we can do whatever we want,
and people are scared of us.
It's totally rad.
Then why did you say it was gay before?
Oh, my God! I never said it was gay!
Wait, he said this was gay?
That is a total lie!
Why would I say something homophobic
about the way Tweek and Craig make love?
He's a lying, backstabbing Jew!
I'm Stan.
No doubt the growing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS
could be problematic for the progressive town.
Here you go, old girl.
We'll just have to make do.
Ew!
Spare a dollar?
No, I don't. I'm sorry. Thank you.
God damn it. Ew.
Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town
to have it overrun with homeless people.
Why are they all suddenly coming here?
Mayor, what are you going to do about this?
My wife and I can barely eat or shop.
When a town like ours has a homeless problem,
it must look at the root of what's causing it.
It's ISIS! What?
There's these troubled kids
who've turned their backs on America.
They've taken over SodoSoPa, forced all the homeless out.
Why would kids in our town want to be a part of that?
They're just bad kids,
rotten on the inside, probably with shitty parents.
Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad.
I-I don't want to make you angry, but why?
Well dad, I just r-r-really like being a part of something.
I feel like it's character-building,
and it's lots of fun.
Fun?
But what do you... believe in?
What do we believe in?
We believe in something greater than ourselves,
and that by following our strict warrior code,
we believe that our faiths and our traditions
are a way to a greater path -- the p-p-path of the warrior.
And as long as we stay united in honor,
we can defeat all our enemies.
Waghgh waaaaghghhhg!
Wow. The fellas were right.
People are really freaked out by ninjas.
Okay, we've just got to be really apologetic
and tell them we didn't mean it, okay?
Geez. This is so embarrassing.
What if they won't help us with the homeless?
I'm pretty sure the police will help out
if it's because ISIS is taking over the town.
[ Hawaiian music plays ]
Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS.
We don't know who they are, but they --
What? What's that, you say?
The town is in danger, all right?
We don't know what these kids are capable of.
Geez. I'm sorry.
We've got to work on our Kaholo Koloa
and get the lomilomi chicken ready for the big Ho'olaule'a,
which leaves us, oh,
not enough time to deal with ISIS.
All right, look, there's homeless people
all over our gentrified food-and-arts district.
If you don't stop these twisted kids, then --
Hey, who was it that said "Fuck the police"?
Was that Ice Cube? Tupac?
Oh, right. That was you guys.
Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else
to do all the difficult, dirty shit
you don't want to do yourselves.
I got to be ready for the luau.
I might even kiss a dude.
So, then, after you told me,
we both went over to Kyle and Stan,
where they were playing basketball, remember?
Yeah.
And we said Kenny and Token were playing ninja,
and Kyle said that ninjas were gay.
And I said, "Ninjas are gay?" But it was a question.
You remember?
I thought you said it first.
No, no, no, no.
See, now, Kyle's got everyone remembering it wrong
because he doesn't want to get kicked out of the group.
That's what Jews do when they're caught in a lie.
You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Butters.
TOKEN: You guys, you guys!
STAN: What?
Actual ninjas want to talk to us.
What?
Kenny and I both just got
the same e-mail from people overseas.
Whoa, dude!
How'd they find out who we were?
They're fucking ninjas, dude!
[ Static hissing ]
So, you are the brave children who have committed to our cause.
We have heard of what you are doing,
and we are very impressed.
Cool. Thanks, dude.
What you are doing is very important,
and we would like to help you however we can.
We are going to be wiring you some money.
Whoa! Cool!
This is the greatest thing ever, you guys!
Uh, excuse me,
could I just set the record straight on something?
Of course.
Should Jews be trusted?
I mean, if one of us is a Jew,
do you see that as being at all problematic?
Extremely.
Yes!
Yes!
[ "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer plays ] Oh, oh, oh, oh!
What did I tell you guys? Thank you!
RANDY: Hey, Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady?
[ Dog whimpers, pants ]
Wha-- who?
Hey, buddy.
What do you want?
How would you like to be a policeman again?
I'm no good as a policeman.
I'm a bumbling, old fool.
That is not true. Who said that?!
Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you.
They need me? To do what?
We need you to shoot some kids.
No! Shoot kids?!
I don't want to shoot kids! Shh, shh, shh!
These are really bad kids -- terrorists.
This is totally different from before.
Oh!
Are any of them minorities?
A couple of them we think, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Shh! Look, look, look!
Barbrady! Barbrady!
We were wrong about you. I was wrong about you.
You protected this town
back before anybody else ever did.
You used to do it all on your own.
We need you to do that again.
You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady.
Go shoot those kids.
♪ ♪
CARTMAN: Guys, I know this is hard for all of us,
but to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts.
Last night, I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas.
We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith.
He told me a lot I didn't know,
and I was able to tell him some things he did not know.
But after talking with that guy,
it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas.
I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it,
and I found this.
It was then that Kyle confessed to me
about how he had brainwashed Butters and Stan into thinking
I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization.
And he almost got away with it.
That's when Kyle tried to kill me.
Luckily, I was the faster ninja.
Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay.
When I take the gag off,
he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now.
Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar.
KYLE: I'm right here.
Who -- Who's this?
STAN: That's Clyde.
And I am Token.
Why do I do these things, you ask?
Black rage.
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Middle Eastern music playing ]
[ Gasps ] Oh, Jesus.
ISIS. Oh, God.
This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it?
Okay -- Okay, Dad, it's not organic chicken.
I'm not comfortable shopping at Whole Foods
with all the homeless people there.
But don't worry, that's all about to change.
Soon we'll all have ShiTpaTown to enjoy again.
Where's Stan?
He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house.
Ninjas? That's gay.
He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house?
Yeah.
You mean SodoSoPa? Uh-huh.
Wait a minute...
[ Japanese music plays ] Ninjas...
[ Middle Eastern music plays ]
[ Japanese music plays ]
[ Middle Eastern music plays ]
...Scary...
[ Japanese music plays ] Gay...
[ Middle Eastern music plays ] Scary...
[ Both music switching ] Gay.
Scary.
Gay.
Scary.
Gay.
Randy what are you doing?
Scary.
Gay.
Scary.
Gay.
Scary.
Gay!
Staaaan!!
CARTMAN: Oh, I get the misunderstanding now!
No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay,
but Clyde thought I was Kyle,
so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay.
Meaning I as in Kyle.
KYLE: Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat turd.
TOKEN: All those in favor
of Cartman being kicked out of our ninjas club?
ALL: Hai!
No! You can't kick me out!
I have to be a ninja.
They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys!
Please!
STAN: What should we do with him?
Freeze!
Oh, shit!
Please! I don't want to shoot you!
STAN: Cool. Don't.
[ Groaning ]
[ Children flinch ]
I understand you're feeling angry at this town.
I'm getting pretty angry, too!
But we can't give up on it.
Please, boys...
Don't make this end violently.
They're just stupid ninjas!
DAVID: Aah!!
Aaaah!!
What were you thinking?
Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?
David Rodriguez was lucky to live.
Everybody told me they were terrorists!
We thought they were!
But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman,
you have to figure that out!
But...You said you needed me to kill some kids!
Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now.
I said "kill some kids,"
but I said it as a question, remember?
I said, "Kill some kids?"
I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one.
There's going to be an investigation and...
You just don't have what it takes
to be a policeman in today's times.
Do you even know what "farm to table" means?
[ Siren chirps ]
Let's go, people. You can't stay here.
You are being relocated.
Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man.
Oh, no? I'm a cop.
Thank you, officers.
We've got a deal, right?
Yes.
All right, you. Come on.
Aah!
Please! You can't take me back to SodoSoPa!
ISIS is there!
No, those were just ninjas.
Ninjas?
Oh, that's so gay.
I told you guys.
What did I tell you?
I said ninjas are fucking gay,
but you didn't want to listen.
Nooo.
[ Door opens ]
Officer Barbrady?
Yes?
We've been watching you.
And what we see
is a man who truly wants to protect his town.
You do?
You've been in this town longer than almost anyone.
Have you noticed... changes lately?
Yeah, a lot of changes.
They aren't a coincidence, officer.
They are all part of a plan
to take down your beloved town and everyone in it.
What?
What do you know about a little girl named...
Leslie?
[ Dramatic music playing ]
There she is, officers, right there.
I told you to stop chatting with your friends, didn't I, Leslie?
You see, officers, apparently, Leslie thinks
that talking to her friends is more important
than learning about diversity in third-world countries.
It's that one.
That's her, right there. You remove her from my school.