South Park (1997–…): Season 19, Episode 8 - Sponsored Content - full transcript

Who was it?

Somebody?s about
to get their asses kicked!

When I find out who did this?

PC Principal is on the warpath!
Run for your lives!

Again?

Oh, Jesus.
Now what?

Who was it, huh?

Somebody better fess up right now!

I?m gonna find out who did this!

Broflovski!

Was it you?



Was what me, sir?

I just saw a copy
of the school newspaper

in which a student
used the word retarded?

to refer
to our cafeteria lunch policy.

The word retarded
does not belong in our school!

Who is in charge of the school paper?

?Cause I?m about
to break their fucking legs!

He?s in charge of the school paper.

You gonna break his legs,
PC Principal?

All right, I guess
we haven?t formally met before.

The reason I need to talk with you, Jason,
is because of a very important?

It?s Jimmy, actually.
My name is Jimmy, PC Principal.

All right, Jim.

I want to talk to you today
about the use of the R? word



in your school paper.

You see, the R? word is very bad.

??Says who?
??Says me, all right?

And I know a thing or two about the rights
of people with disabilities.

When you use the R? word to describe

the school?s lunch policy,
it can hurt people?s hearts.

Can you understand that at all?

That was an Op-Ed piece
written by a first grader

who thought retarded? was the best word
to describe the school lunch policy.

As the editor, I didn?t think
it was right to censor the words.

OK, well, from now on,
I?m gonna need to approve

the school paper
before you hand it out, OK?

No.

What?d you say?

You don?t understand how serious
is my job as editor of the school paper.

I don?t allow ads, nor anything

that might taint the truth
behind what people are thinking.

If people are afraid of words,
it stops them from having a dialogue.

Look, I don?t want to get angry, OK?

Are you uncomfortable
around disabled people?

Lots of people are.

No, I?m not!
I am very not uncomfortable.

All right, look?
Unless I can approve your paper,

it is not being distributed on campus.
You got that?

I can?t hand out the paper in school?

Not unless it is approved by me.
Do you understand?

Yep. Got it.

Don?t forget to read the school paper,
now delivered directly to your door!

Super School News!

What is that, bro?

Suck my dick, PC Principal!

Who does this kid think he is,
challenging me?

I said one microaggression
to him, OK?

One little microaggression,
but that doesn?t mean

I have an unconscious bias
towards people with disabilities!

No way, bro.

But why would a person
with a disability not see

that what I?m trying to do
is actually protect them?

Sometimes, victims of oppression
are so marginalized

that they sympathize
with their oppressors.

??Yeah, bro.
??You?re right.

This kid just needs to be shown
he?s being an Uncle Able.

I can always count
on my PC frat brothers to have my back.

Let?s go, PC!

PC!

This is so great.

Have you ever read
the elementary school newspaper, Linda?

There?s no ads, no sponsored content,
no links to click on,

just news stories
about what?s happening.

Did you know the police in ShiTpaTown
beat up homeless to clear them out?

Do you know how long its been
since I was able to sit back

and read the news?

I got so used to getting
news off the Internet,

but I feel like I?m always
trying to chase the news, somehow.

It?s like I?m in a black void

trying to reach the news story.

But then the next thing I know,
I?m reading and ad for GEICO.

I click out of that
and try to read the news story,

but it?s not a news story,
it?s a slide show,

and I?m looking at the worst
celebrity plastic-surgery jobs ever.

I want to see the next slide

of plastic surgery gone wrong,
so I hit the arrow.

But the arrow
wasn?t for the next slide,

it was to take me
for an ad for face cream.

I wanted to get a news story.

I try to click out of it,
but the ad is following me.

It?s following me
all over the screen!

So, I click on the close? button,
but it was another slide show.

I want to know
about the Middle East, but instead,

I?m looking at the top 10
scariest movies of all time.

And that?s not the arrow
for the next slide, it?s for another ad!

But this?
This is just news.

And I don?t get lost
in all the bullshit.

Linda.

You?ve been trying to get your head around
some of the social issues we discussed.

You?re feeling confused
and a little unsure.

I?m not confused at all, actually.

??No, you are confused?
??You?re the one that?s confused.

You don?t grasp the severity of this.

I?ve brought in
another young person with disabilities

to share his feelings.

Thanks for coming in, Nathan.

I like apples and bananas.

Me, too, bro.

Nathan, could you
tell Jimmy how you feel

when people use the word retarded??

It hurts my feelings
because I feel bad.

Are you serious right now?

You feel bad.
Right.

You feel like
that?s a no-no word, right?

That word makes my heart
piss its pants.

That?s pretty heavy.

Pretty heavy, huh, Jim?

Will you ask what he means,
or are you just pandering,

because you?re uncomfortable
around disabled people?

I am not uncomfortable!

I simply care
about a horrible, outdated word

that is exclusive,
ignores individuality,

and equates
intellectual disability with being?

And it?
Spot! I need a spotter!

Somebody spot me, bro!

And it?s part of a derogatory hate speech
which fosters isolation and loneliness,

and being part
of a voice to stop the R? word

is not only right,
but extremely important!

I?m afraid of bears.

Hey, Nathan.
Hold up.

What were you doing?

What do you mean, Jimmy?
Are you mad?

Come on, Nathan.

You and I both know you use
the word retarded 400 times a day.

Oh, Jimmy.

So righteous, aren?t you?

So blind to everything
that?s going on.

What?

You really think all the changes
happening to this town

are just coincidence?

This goes so much deeper
than you can possibly imagine, Jim.

Everyone?s about to learn the truth,

and then? there?s a war coming.

A war, Jim.

And I?m just gonna make sure
I?m on the right side of it.

Come on, boys.
Let?s get back to class.

I like to smell trees!

An elementary school newspaper
is making big waves

as more and more people
say no to news on the Internet.

I read Super School News
?cause it don?t try and fool me,

and its news reports
aren?t paid for by ad companies.

We just feel like
this is actual news,

and instead of clicking on links,
we?re reading stories.

I had to get away from the ads.

I felt that the ads
were evolving, somehow.

They started knowing what I liked,
what I was afraid of.

I tried ad blockers,
but it seemed like every time

I tried to block the ads,
they just got smarter.

I?m never going back
from Super School News.

The young editor of the paper claims

that since most people now
watch news reports on the Internet,

they?re easily distracted
or even fooled by ads,

??which are finding more and more?
??Brutal celebrity mug shots.

It got me.

Ad got me, Sharon.

We now return live
to the 2015 Presidential Debates.

Our next question
is for you, Mrs. Clinton.

Many voters believe
that Syrian refugees

should not be allowed
into our country for security reasons.

What do you think?

Keeping our country safe
has become more and more difficult,

but I believe
there are several things?

No!
You shut the hell up!

You?ve got a dumpy butt
and seven chins.

Syrian refugees are all terrorists!

I know that our government
needs to take a harder look at all?

It?s pretty hard to look at you.
We can all agree on that.

She looks like a donkey
took a shit on her face.

Yeah, good one, Caitlyn.

See, what I know
is that there?s only one way

to deal with Syrian refugees,
and that is?

Fuck them all to death!

Thank you!

That was hilarious
when you called her a pizza face.

It?s like a Papa John?s pimple party.

That was classic, Caitlyn.
You?re the best running mate ever.

Hello, Mr. Garrison.

Oh, my God.

Principal Victoria?

Congratulations on the polls.

We need to talk.

Celebrate diversity!

Let?s go, PC!

All right, everyone.
Listen up.

Tonight?s a very special night
for the PCs.

We?re honored to throw this event
for people with disabilities.

I?m sick of how these amazing kids
are marginalized in today?s society,

but tonight
is about learning and healing.

So, let?s get to it!
PC!

Hey, guys. I?m Brad.
I?m PC Arizona State.

??Nice to meet you, Brad?
??Excuse me a second.

Hello, ladies.
Thanks for coming to our event.

We?re tired of the way
disabled people get treated.

Can I get you some alcohol?

It just bugs me when people refer

to persons with disabilities
as handicapped.

When I hear that word,
I want to fucking punch them in the face.

That?s so cool of you.

Yeah, to be marginalizing
persons with disabilities

by asking them what their handicap is

is no better than asking
a person of color if they went to college.

??You?re really progressive.
??No other way to be.

So, listen, I think
you?re really pretty and interesting,

and I?d like to take you upstairs
and totally crush your pussy.

Would that be acceptable to you?

I guess it would.

Sorry.
I need affirmative consent.

I?II need you to say,
You may take me upstairs

and crush my pussy at this time.?

McKenzie, you got consent forms?

Oh, yeah.
Right here, bro.

Rise and shine.

If you scored last night,
I need your consent forms.

Thank you. Thank you.

Barker, did you perform cunnilingus?
There?s a different release form, bro.

Yeah, sorry.
It?s right here.

??Nice.
??Bro!

??Oh, dude! Bro!
??What, bro?

I scored with this female,

and after consenting to fellatio,
she wanted me to walk her home.

And when I got to her house,
I met her Filipino father.

I asked him about the cultural dynamics
of being a Filipino American.

??Naturally.
??So, he talked,

then a newspaper lands on his doorstep.
He?s subscribed to this school newspaper.

He picked it up,
and I saw the headline!

What the fuck is this, bro?

That little kid wrote
that our fight for social justice

is just a way for us to crush puss!

??But that?s not true!
??We?re being totally victimized!

That little fucking dude!

Hello.
You?re the boy responsible

for the South Park Super School News?

That?s right.

We would like
to give you $26 million.

Contracts and the first check.

We?d love to be in business with you.

What is this for?

I represent an organization
called GEICO.

It?s an insurance company.

We think Super School News
would be a great way

for us to reach new customers.

Sorry, Charlie,
but I don?t allow ads in my newspaper.

We?ve heard all about that,
so we thought you could just do some?

news stories about car insurance.

Just state the facts,

because the truth is everyone
can save by switching to GEICO.

That?s called sponsored content.?

I know the difference
between the news and ads. I?m not stupid.

Everyone?s doing it, Jim.

You?re sort of the last holdout.

$26 million just to write
some news stories

that get people thinking
about their insurance coverage?

Stick it up your ass.

They said you?d be tough.

Do you really think you can stop ads?

Yes.

You can try to block ads,
but they get smarter.

The more we try to shut them out,
the more clever they get.

There?s a war coming,

and I?m gonna make sure
I?m on the right side of it.

Officer Barbrady?

Come with me if you want to live!

Come with me if you want to live!
I?m serious!

Do you want to explain to me
what pussy crushing is?

Your little meetings you go to at night
to discuss social justice?

It?s just a way
to pick up on young women?

Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club
are right out of college, all right?

You know how college kids are.
Who wrote this?

I don?t want you
going over there anymore.

I don?t cheat on you, Sharon.
I?m happy.

Look at what?s happened to our town.

We have ShiTpaTown,
boutique restaurants, and artisan shops.

We have a fucking Whole Foods,
and that was all me!

Diverse people are moving here.
Everyone?s being aware of how they talk.

This is paradise, Sharon!

Is it?

All I know is that you?ve changed.

Ever since you joined this PC thing,
you just bully people

and wait for people
to say anything improper

so that you can jump down their throats
for whatever words he or she used.

He or she? is an agenderphobic
microaggression, Sharon.

You are a bigot.

The average human
can no longer tell the difference

between the news and an ad.

You seem to have some mental ability
that allows you to know the difference.

This has to do with me calling
the school principal a pussy crusher?

The PC people
are simply being manipulated,

unwittingly setting the table
for the new enemy of humanity.

You mean ISIS or ninjas?

Something much worse.

Have you ever felt like
an ad had intelligence?

That it somehow knew what you wanted
even before you knew you wanted it?

What if I were to tell you that ads
have become smarter than us,

and now, they?re manipulating
everything we do?

I?d say that sounds pretty retarded.

It was our own fault.

Mankind became tired of ads,

so we kept inventing ways
to make things ad-free.

We even created ad blockers.

That?s when the ads had to adapt.

They had to disguise themselves
as news in order to survive.

Sponsored content?

If you really
can tell the difference,

then you could be the key
to saving our species, Jimmy.

We?d like to run a test on you.

That?s the news.

That?s an ad.

That?s the news.

That?s an ad.

That?s the news.
That?s an ad. That?s an ad.

That?s the ne?
Wait. That?s an ad for cat food. My bad.

Jesus Christ.
He?s off the charts.

Increase the intensity.

That?s the news. That?s an ad.
News. Ad. Ad. Ad.

Ad. Ad. News. News.
Ad. Ad. Slide show. Ad.

That?s a perfect score.

You are a very special child, Jimmy.

I prefer handicapped,? actually.

We have another child here
who is special, too.

Do you know Leslie?

All right. That?s good.
Everyone get inside.

Everything past here is safe space.
No reporters, no harassment.

We?re gonna figure this shit out.

All I know is that I don?t speak up
for minorities

so that I can crush pussy.

Me neither.

I want social justice,
and now I?m being made fun of.

They?re taking our incredibly
tolerant views and distorting them.

PC people are under attack.
That?s what this is.

Bro, we?re the victims now.

Like, we?re being marginalized.
Like, that makes us pretty cool.

Yeah, I?II bet now,
we can get a lot more puss.

No, Topher!
It?s not about puss, all right?

What?s wrong with you?

We?re labeled as meat heads

who just want to crush puss
by an intolerant newspaper.

Yeah, fuck that dude, bro.

Yeah, and if you?re gonna belittle
and make fun of PC people like that,

who?s to say he won?t do it
to other marginalized groups like us?

I mean, this kid could be
the next Hitler.

And if you guys could stop Hitler,
what would you do?

I?d rip that dude apart and then go home
and totally smash some puss, bro.

You look familiar.
Don?t you go to my school?

Yes. I?m Jimmy,

editor-in-chief of Super School News.

I?m Leslie.

Nice to finally talk to you.

Did they give you
a bunch of tests, too?

Yes, the did.
Do you know who they are?

I think they?re ex-newsmen.

You know, the men in suits
who used to be in charge of the news.

I thought I recognized them.

They told me I was special.

Are you special, too?

I prefer handicapped.

I like that.

Principal Victoria,
if everything you?ve said is true,

then why doesn?t anyone
know about it?

There are people who know,

but they have to stay very hidden.

I?m just having a hard time
swallowing all this.

And between me and this one over here,
we can swallow just about anything.

God, you?re such an asshole.

Mr. Garrison, I wasn?t fired.

I was replaced.

This goes much higher
than anyone knows.

I came to this town

really thinking
I could make a difference.

I?ve been called a bigot
towards persons with disabilities.

I?ve been called a pussy crusher,

because of the behavior
of a very few individuals in my PC frat.

Jimmy Valmer is off
the school newspaper.

I want you to take over.

Oh, boy!

And I?II review
your paper to make sure

nobody is ever attacked
the way I was again.

I think this will be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

Jimmy almost made me lose confidence,

but I know who I am.

I know what I am.

Dude! Bro!

Oh, bro.

I went online to read a news story
about immigrants being discriminated.

I clicked on the headline,
but it was an ad for Reddi-wip.

So I clicked on the X? button
to make it go away,

but it was a link to another ad,
and when I tried to cancel that,

another window came up,
and it was this.

Dude, what the fuck bro?

??What does this mean, dude?
??Bro, what the fuck, bro?

Do you like our school, Jimmy?

Yes, Leslie.
I like our school very much.

I like our school, too.

I like the kids who go there.

I?m starting to wonder
something about you, Leslie.

I?m starting to wonder about you.

I mean, you seem like a nice kid,

but don?t you feel like
you could be happier?

??Holy shit.
??What?

Can you excuse me for a moment?

Well, Jimmy?
What do you think?

Does she know she?s an ad?

He can spot them.

Does she kn-know she?s an ad?

What the hell is going on, bro?

??Bro?
??What the hell is going on?

If we?re going back, remember:
we don?t know who we can trust.

If they want to mess with my town,
I?II fuck every last one of them.

Let?s do this!

Buckle up, buckaroos!