South Park (1997–…): Season 19, Episode 6 - Tweek x Craig - full transcript

# I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time #

# Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks
without temptation #

# Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night #

# People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" #

# Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #

# Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! #

# Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #

[ Bell ringing ]

P.C. PRINCIPAL:
All right, everyone. Listen up.



Today, we're gonna be
showing you some art

from our Asian-American
students, and...

Damn it, Leslie!
Shut your fucking pie hole!

From our Asian-American students

presented by
student-body president

Wendy Testaberger.

Hey, guys.

As you know,
we have several new students

here at South Park Elementary.

We have been getting to know
some of the Asian girls,

who have introduced us
to an art style called yaoi.

Yaoi is a blend
of emotion and beauty

involving two people
whose love is looked down upon.

The art tries to show
that all love is magical,



like in Lisa Akimoto's piece,

"Tweek and Craig:
Forbidden Love."

[ Girls "Aww" ]

What?!

Kelly Zhou goes
a bit more whimsical

with "Craig and Tweek:
Moonlight Dance."

[ Girls "Aww" ]

Dude, what the fuck?

In yaoi art, the seme, or "top,"

is usually dominating
the uke, or "bottom,"

as demonstrated
in Heather Nishimura's

"Tweek and Craig: Boizu Rabu."

[ Girls "Aww," applause ]

But yaoi can branch out
to other things, as well...

Uh-oh.

As we see here in
"Lily, Frog, Tweek, and Craig."

I just don't get it.

I mean, Tweek and Craig
aren't gay, right?

No. We would know.

Well, but then why would
Asian girls draw them like that?

Yeah, what is
this yaoi thing all about?

I'm so c-confused.

And if it can happen
to Tweek and Craig,

could it happen to any of us?

Uh, excuse me.
Why are you doing this?

Oh, hi, Craig.

[ Speaking Korean ]

What? What did she say?

I don't know. That was Korean.
I'm Japanese.

What is going on, huh?!

Me and him aren't together!
Why is this happening?!

[ Speaking Korean ]

Everyone thinks I'm gay!

What if my parents find out?!
Aah!

P.C. PRINCIPAL: AII right, guys,
I know there's been

a lot of rumors flying around.

Just wanted to check in, see if
you have any questions for me.

Why are the Asian girls drawing
pictures of us being gay?

What's wrong with being gay?
Nothing wrong with that.

But we aren't. I'm not.

I'm not either!

That is completely
irrelevant, okay?

What matters, and the reason
I brought you in here,

is that you understand
affirmative consent.

What's that?

If there is
a romantic relationship here,

you have to make sure
your partner is comfortable

with any sexual exploration.

Aah!

Now, in a gay relationship,
it gets a little trickier,

but you still have to follow
some guidelines, all right?

But I'm not gay!

I don't care about that, bro!

Tweek, if...
And I'm only saying if...

At some point you wanted
to touch Craig's penis,

you can't just go grabbing
for it, all right?

You would need to say
something like,

"Craig, is it all right with you
if I touch your penis?"

Okay? Let's try it out.

No!

You want two weeks detention
instead?!

This shit's important!

Craig, can I touch your penis?

Okay. Good.

Now, Craig, you might say,

"You may touch my penis.
I'm comfortable with that."

Or, of course, you could say,

"No, you may not touch my penis
at this time."

No, you may not.

Okay.
Now we're getting somewhere.

Now, Craig, what would you say

if you wanted to take a gander
at Tweek's asshole?

Randy, you should have
a talk with Stan.

For what?

I guess something happened
at school today

involving two of Stan's friends
[ whispering ] being gay.

What?

Yeah, Stan seems
really perplexed.

Wow.

Our town has only had
a Whole Foods for three weeks,

and we already have
our first gay kids.

So cool.

Go talk to him, Randy,
and be delicate.

Hey, bud.

How's it hanging?

I'm confused, Dad.
There was this thing at school.

Well, guess what.

You've got a really
progressive P.C. dad

who knows all about
this stuff, okay?

Go ahead. Ask me anything.

I just don't understand
how it's decided.

Ah, well, you see,
it's a combination

of genetic, hormonal,
and environmental influences.

No, I mean, like,
what makes the Asians decide

who they're gonna make gay?

The Asians?

The Asians decide
who's gonna be gay?

Uh, uh, yeah. Yeah, they do.

Uh, the Asians just, you know...

They just pick who they pick,

and, um, so it's
the way it's always been.

So, you've heard of yaoi?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, of course.

Yaoi, anal intercourse,
Maui Zaui.

I-I know all this stuff, Stan.

Oh, hey, Thomas!

Hey, we heard about Craig.

We think it's just terrific.

What about Craig?

Thomas!

I'm so glad
that Craig is finally happy.

Hey, it's Craig's dad,
everybody!

[ Applause ]

[ Clinking ]

Tweek's out of coffee, honey.

Oh, here you go, kiddo.

Tweek, is there anything
you want to talk to us about?

No.

Well, we heard that you're gay.

And I want you to know we've
never been so proud of you.

Oh, God!

We thought you were just a spaz,

but to know you've got
so much going on inside...

We're so proud of you, Tweek.

[ Groans ]

Knowing what I know now,

I'm gonna be
a much better dad to you.

In fact, I just...

I just want to give you
some money, Tweek.

Can I give you some money?

Here. I-I love you so much, son.

# The Book of Love
is long and boring #

# No one can lift
the damn thing #

# It's full of charts
and facts and figures #

# And instructions for dancing #

# But I-I-I-I-I-I #

# I love it
when you read to me #

# And you-u-u-u-u-u #

# You can read me anything #

# The Book of Love
has music in it #

# In fact, that's where
music comes from #

# Some of it's just
transcendental #

# Some of it's just
really dumb #

# But I-I-I-I-I-I #

# I love it
when you sing to me #

# And you-u-u-u-u-u #

# You can sing me anything #

CARTMAN: Dude, Tweek and Craig.

It's just so weird.

If they've been gay
this whole time,

have they been checking me out?

I'm pretty sure
Craig has seen my wiener.

Should I kick his ass?

- [ Twinkle! ]
- Oh, come on!

What's wrong with two guys
liking each other?

I just don't understand it,
Cupid Me.

Wanting to, like, kiss a dude?

But if love is love,

then it takes form in all shapes
and sizes. Tee hee!

I guess just because
I don't understand it

doesn't mean
I shouldn't support it.

All right.

Maybe you can help them along.

Really? Can I?

Yes, Cupid Me.

But make it quick,
and don't let anyone see you.

Oh, thank you! I will!

Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee hee!

Tee hee hee!

[ Snoring ]

[ Twinkle! ]

Tee hee hee! Tee hee!

You just need
a little spark of magic.

Tee hee hee!

And now I'm gonna pee
in your mouth.

Ooh, love is in the air!

[ Twinkle! ]

Did you do it, Cupid Me?

I hit him with my love arrow,

and then I peed in his mouth
just for fun.

[ Laughs ] That's awesome!

That's so sweet! [ Chuckles ]

I thought you might like that.

Yeah, dude. You're hilarious.

And do you think I'm cute, too?

'Cause I think
you're kind of cute.

Stop that, Cupid Me.

I told you I'm not homosexual.
Okay? It's not funny.

Oh, well. At least Tweek
and Craig are in love now.

Yep. School tomorrow
should be really interesting.

[ Bell ringing ]

And so then my dad
talked to me about it.

Yeah?

And my dad says Asians
have always done this,

and they, like,
do make people gay.

- You guys! You guys! Hurry!
- What?

It's... It's
Tweek and Craig, dude!

They're about to have sex!

You got a fucking problem, man?

You're the one
with the fucking problem!

CRAIG: I told you to stay
100 yards from me!

You better not
fucking push me again, man!

Oh, God, you guys. Get a room.

[ Cheering ]

Hello. Mr. Tucker?

I need to inform you
that your son

was in an altercation
at school today.

Craig? Craig got in a fight?

Yes, with his boyfriend.

Just a lovers' quarrel,
probably.

God damn it.

Something to be expected
in relationships.

Apparently, there were
no affirmative-consent issues,

as your son knows the right way

to play with
another boy's penis.

Oh, God.

There's not gonna be
any disciplinary action.

Since they are gay,
we want to be supportive.

So we're just gonna
send them on home

with some money, all right?

All right, you have a nice day.

Money?

[ Chinese music plays ]

[ Speaking Chinese ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Speaking Chinese ]

Uh, hi. Mr. Jinping?

Thanks for taking my call.

I was just wondering
if you could shed some light

on how your people
decide who will be gay

and who will be straight.

[ Chinese accent ] What?!

I'm sorry. I-I don't speak
Asian, but, um...

Oh, uh... Oh!

Y-Yaoi. Yaoi, yes?

Boyzu love-u.

H-How does that work?

That come from Japan.

Oh, it's Japan that decides?

How the hell do they actually
make people ga...

And Japan, of course,

is who does the yaoi
to make people gay.

They are dogs
who refuse not apologize

to the Chinese Republic!

Uh-huh. Yes.

That, of course, I do already
know about homosexuality.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi. Flower delivery
for Eric Cartman.

Oh, my. How beautiful!

Oh, look, sweetie!
Someone sent you flowers.

CARTMAN:
"Can't we just try? TeeHee."

Oh, man.

Who are they from, hon?

Someone who needs
a real talking to.

Look, it's flattering, okay?

But it doesn't change the fact

that there's nothing here
for you to keep pursuing.

Tee hee hee! Aw, come on.
Let's be like Tweek and Craig.

Everyone thinks they're cool.

You are wasting your time.
I'm not attracted to guys.

But I'm so attracted to you.

I realize that, and I'm sorry.

I need you to stop bothering me.

This is done.

I'm just not a homosexual.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Well, hello, Craig.

Honey, it's Craig.

Aww, hi, Craig.

Is Tweek home?

He sure is. Come on in.

Would you like to have
some coffee, Craig?

No, thank you.
I just want to see Tweek.

Aww.

Tweek's just
up in his room playing.

You can go on up.

Oh, uh, but keep the door open,
all right?

They're so gay.

Aargh! Aah! Unh!

Aah!

Hey, dude.

Aah!

No! No! What are you doing here?

Tweek, calm down.
We have to put a stop to this.

There's no stopping it!

The whole world wants me
to be something I'm not!

Me, too, dude. But there's
something we can do.

What?!

We have to come out
and say we're gay.

What?! Are you insane?!

- That's got to be one of...
- Tweek, Tweek!

Because if we're gay,
then we can break up.

And if we break up,
no more pictures.

We just have to stage
a fake breakup

in front of the Asian girls.

Like acting?! No, man.
That is way too much pressure.

You can do it, Tweek.

You're capable of more
than you think.

Ugh! I'm a terrible actor.

You just follow my lead and try
and make it believable, okay?

Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God!

What did I do wrong, huh?

Everyone's so damn happy,

but... but why did this
have to happen to my son?

What did I do to
make my son like this?

Hey, hey, whoa.
You didn't do anything.

Oh, what? You know about this?

Yeah, let me handle this, guys.
I'm P.C.

Look, Thomas, you need
to understand that being gay

isn't a decision.

You know, a lot of people
think that Asians decide

who's gay and who's not.

But it isn't all Asians.

It's just specifically
the Japanese, okay?

What?

Why do the Japanese make
some people gay and others not?

Well, it goes back
to World War ll

and atrocities
that happened in China

called the Rape of Don King.

Well, you sure know
a lot about this.

Yes, I do.

No, dude. I looked it up.

Yaoi is just an art style
for girls by girls

because they like fictionalizing
two guys in a relationship.

- But why?
- I don't know.

But the point is,

there's nothing about it
that means Tweek and Craig

are actually gay at all.

[ Bell ringing ]

Hey, Tweek. Hold up.

Listen, it's just not
going to work.

What?! Why not?!

I'm sorry, Tweek, but we can't
lie to ourselves anymore.

Yes, we are gay.
But we do not belong together.

We don't belong together?
What suddenly changed, Craig?

It's just that people
are different. That's all.

Uh-huh.
And who the hell is Michael?

Huh? You want to tell me that?!

Uh, what are you...
What are you talking about?

I went through your phone when
we went out last night, Craig.

I saw your text to Michael
about hooking up with him!

Wait, uh...
T-That's not what happened.

Oh, it's not?!

No. L-Look, we both know
this is for the better.

Oh, don't use that
lame shit on me, man.

You don't want to feel bad,

so you try and tell me
what I want?!

Tweek, don't make me out
to be the bad guy here.

No, you're not the bad guy.

You're never the bad guy,
are you?!

You... You just step on people
and you use them!

You're going too far, dude.

This is, like,
totally not necessary.

I'm going too far?!
What is wrong with you?!

This wasn't part of the plan.

Well, guess what, Craig!
Love doesn't follow a plan!

Yeah!

I was totally wrong about you.

I opened myself up
and let you in.

But you've got spikes, man.

You've got spikes.

[ A Great Big World's
"Say Something" plays ]

Tweek!

Dude, seriously? Seriously?!

- [ Thunder rumbles ]
- # Say something #

# I'm giving up on you #

They... They broke up?

# I'll be the one
if you want me to #

# Anywhere
I would have followed you #

# Say something #

# I'm giving up on you #

# Say something #

# I'm giving up on you #

# Say something #

[ Club music playing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

What are you doing?
This place isn't you.

I'm just here
to pick up on guys.

Why? Are you jealous?

No, I'm not.

I'm here because
we need you right now.

Oh, now you need me, huh?
Fuck you, dude.

Fuck you.

What is that kid doing here?

He's just kind of
talking to himself.

The whole town is sad.
Cupid Me, you have to help.

Well, I guess I could
try and help.

In return forjust one date?

I'm not homosexual!

Then I guess I'm not interested.

[ Sighs ] All right. One date.

But only if you help get
Tweek and Craig back together.

Tee hee hee!
Tee hee hee hee hee!

Hey, kid, what do you
think you're doing here?

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

L'm not here for me.
I'm here for my friend, okay?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hi. ls Craig here, sir?

Why can't you quit him?

Thomas.

Five minutes. He's in the back.

Hey, dude.

What do you want?

I thought when we broke up
everything would get better.

I was thinking maybe we
should say we're back together.

Dude, I'm not gay,
and neither are you!

What does that have
to do with anything?

You think you can just pull
that shit you pulled at school,

saying I step on people
and use them,

and I'll just take you back?

You said to make it seem real.

Not that real!

Now everyone thinks
I'm a manipulative cheater.

I'll never get any chicks.

I'm so sorry, Craig.

You... You made me
believe in myself

in a way I never have before.

I didn't think I had any of that
in me, but you were right.

I can do more than I think.

You changed something in me,
and Ijust...

I want to fix whatever's
hurting you now.

[ Sobbing ]

I can't be something
because everyone wants me to be.

I have to be myself.

You'll just have to go
be gay with someone else.

All right, Craig. All right.

I can see how much
they're both hurting, but...

Can't you understand that in my
time we just didn't accept this?

Maybe it's not so wrong.

I... I just don't
want it to be my son.

[ Twinkle! ]

Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee!

You just need
a little prick of magic.

I'm gonna pee in
your mouth a little bit.

Then again,
he's my son no matter what.

I can't just shut down on him.

Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee hee!

Son, you need to listen to me.

You can't fight being gay.

I used to think that
being gay was a choice,

but you don't get to decide.

Japan picks who they pick,
and that's that.

I don't understand this stuff.

Heck, I didn't even know
Don King got raped,

but I do know that
if you try and resist it,

you make yourself miserable
your whole life.

Everyone was so proud of you.

I was just being selfish.
I want to be proud of you, too.

I like gay Craig. I love you.

Here's $100.

[ Slow piano music plays ]

MAN: [ Japanese accent ]
# Maybe we should go away #

# Put cares aside
for just a day #

# The world we face
is not so big #

# Not if we are strong
like Tweek and Craig #

[ Speaking Japanese ]

I Let's go back
to when it was new #

# Weren't we
such happy people, too? #

# Life was simple,
problems vague #

# We had it all,
a lot like Tweek and Craig #

# And in the darkness
we all seek #

# A perfect love
like Craig and Tweek #

# ...highest honor! #

Gambaro irashai!

# I hope you know,
when you are down #

# That you turned
my life around #

# Just like the like the quote
from Shakespeare said #

# I'm your Tweek #

# And you're my Craig #

[ Meaning ]

Okay, okay.
The date's almost over.

Tee hee hee!
Aren't you liking your massage?

It's fine. It just doesn't
really do anything for me.

Well, I've got something you
might like a little better.

Cu... Cupid Me, no!
No! I'm straight!

Tee hee hee hee!

Cupid Me, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!

Oh, Cupid Me, that's enough!

Okay, that's it, Cupid Me!
That's it!

That's it, Cupid Me.
Okay, that's it.

That's it, Cupid Me.

Aww.