South Park (1997–…): Season 18, Episode 8 - Cock Magic - full transcript
The boys visit City Wok - but there's something shady going on.
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks
without temptation
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting
howdy neighbor
Headin' on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Hey, guys, thanks.
Support your team?
Thank you.
Hey, guys,
did you get one of these?
- Hope you can make it.
- What's this?
The girls' volleyball team
has a big game tonight,
and we're just asking for people
to come cheer us on.
Girls' volleyball?
Uh, sorry.
We're actually busy.
What's wrong with
supporting girls' athletics?
Dude, girls should totally
be allowed to play sports.
You just can't expect people
to want to watch.
Okay?
All right.
You know,
we're actually in the playoffs,
and all we keep hearing is,
"We're too busy."
But we actually are busy.
Tonight's the big fight.
What fight?
Dude, Kenny is fighting
Slaughterhouse tonight.
I mean, no offense,
but we're not gonna miss the
fight for girls' volleyball.
Yeah, so, sorry you're not
getting any spectators,
but there's hard-core
dude shit to watch.
All right, I'm going to play
a fifth mana card.
And then I'm going to attack
with my Elder Beast.
Hold on. Wait. Hold on.
Can Kenny block
his Elder Beast?
Not with his Shapeshifter.
It's already tapped.
This asshole
needs to make a move already.
Quiet in the peanut gallery,
please.
I am attacking,
but with a newly summoned
Spark Ghast who has trample.
Four damage
to your Planeswalker.
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
Oh, no! Kenny!
- Shh!
- But he's dying!
- What's that?
- He's playing an enchantment.
This late?
He's just
stacked his Shapeshifter
with an Elven Blade!
I can block that
with Uprooted Minotaur!
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
Serendib Sorcerer unblocked.
Winner... McCormick!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
No!
Dude, it was
complete brutality.
You've never seen anything
so ruthless.
It was seriously
almost hard to watch.
At one point, Kenny actually
polymorphed the dude
into a blue frog
with an instant attack card.
It was carnage, bro.
Wendy, did you hear about
last night?
Yeah, I heard
the girls' volleyball team
won by like 20 points.
Not that.
Did you actually go to that?
Yeah. You should show
your support, too, sometime.
Whatever.
Dude, I don't think people
are appreciating this.
It was such "pwnage,"
it was almost repulsive.
Hey! Psst!
Come over here.
You guys
like hard-core stuff, huh?
Yeah, we like hard-core stuff.
We're fucking dudes, bro.
Yeah, well, you boys want
to get in on some real action?
If you like excitement.
I'm not talking about
that little-boy stuff.
I'm talking real man shit.
We're men.
Well, then, if you want to see
real fights with real brutality,
go here.
This is the underground stuff,
so keep it quiet.
And you might want
to pack a barf bag.
Cool!
Should be the next one...
2778 Mala Vista Drive.
Wait.
This is City Wok.
What's exciting and hard-core
about shitty shrimp?
It doesn't even
look like they're open.
We crose!
We crose for the night!
Go away, prease!
Uh, Mitchell the janitor
sent us.
You porice?
- Rmh?
- Dude, do we look like police?
Okay, come on.
Come on.
Five darra.
Five darra each!
Come on!
Five darra!
Five darra?!
You go down.
Go down, find seat.
We in the sixth fight.
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Scrambles plays
a Black Swamp mana card.
Fluffy counters
with a mana card of his own.
And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!
More mana from Scrambles.
And yes,
that is Crippling Blight!
Crippling Blight
to the Fugitive Wizard!
Creature now has minus one
to strength and defense!
More mana from Fluffy.
Now he'll attack
with Fugitive Wizard.
And there's an instant attack
from Scrambles!
That is Peel from Reality!
Fugitive Wizard
is literally torn apart
from the battleground!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
The mana is flying now,
as both roosters
play sorcery spells!
It's Mass Calcify
against Into the Void!
- Dude, that was total carnage.
- That was freaking hard-core.
Can you believe that rooster
played a Kalonian Twingrove
with half his mana tapped?
It was just decimation.
It was really
about the most man thing
I think
we've ever been a part of.
We're going again
on Friday, right?
Hell yeah!
What's the matter, Kenny?
Mrph rmhmhm.
Rmh rmphm rm.
What's mean about it?
Mrph rmhmhm rm
mrph rmh rmphm.
You feel bad
for the roosters?
Rm.
Mrph rmh rmphm mrph rmhmhm.
Look, who's to say
the roosters don't want to play?
I mean, they were
going at it pretty hard.
Yeah. Maybe that's just
kind of what they do naturally.
Guys, I think
maybe Kenny's a little hurt
because he
was the big Magic champion
and now chickens
are stealing his thunder.
- Rm.
- Huh? A little bit?
Rm!
Dude, you know
what we should do?
We should all go in
on a rooster.
Dude, totally.
With Kenny's Magic skills,
we could probably
kick serious ass!
What do you think, Kenny?
Would that
make you feel better, huh?
Come on.
Where's that smile?
Where's that smile, Kenny?
I think he's smiling,
you guys.
Hello, Mr. McCormick.
Surprised to see us?
What do you mean?
Let's cut the crap, huh?
We know there's an illegal Cock
Magic ring going on in town.
We just want to know
who's leading it.
What's Cock Magic?
Right.
Roosters are being
forced against their will
to play Magic: The Gathering,
and you know nothing about it
because you're white.
Let's get something straight.
Cock Magic isn't an Asian thing
or a Mexican thing.
White people do it, too,
if they're poor enough.
You got a junked car in
your front yard, Mr. McCormick.
Care to tell us where the Cock
Magic fights are being held?
I don't go
to any Cock Magic fights.
Do you have sympathy at all
for the animals, Mr. McCormick?
Can you imagine
being kept in a small cage,
barely able to turn around,
and then finally let out,
only to be blasted
by Arctic ice spells
and legendary creature cards?
It's illegal, and it's wrong.
And anyone I find involved
with this filth is going down!
Now, I don't want to
lecture anybody,
but what you boys are getting
involved in is dangerous.
Dad, it's not that big a deal.
It is a big deal, okay?
People can get hurt.
Believe it or not, I was
into cock magic back in college.
You were?
Yeah, so I'm not some
fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it.
I just want to make sure
if you boys do it,
you do it right and safely.
Dad, that's not...
that's not Cock Magic.
Oh? Not impressed?
How about this?
What is it?
Hello? We're looking
to buy a rooster
that can play
Magic: The Gathering.
Never heard of Cock Magic
or roosters!
Uh, we aren't cops
or anything.
Come on in the back.
Don't mind the smell.
We only deal in the highest
quality poultry Planeswalkers.
Are you looking for
a New Hampshire
or a Cornish breed?
We don't
really know the difference.
Well, your New Hampshire
broiler chickens
are the best for white mana.
These here have been raised
to play mostly protection spells
and do well
with sorcery cards.
And here you got
your green mana necromancers...
lots of earthy growth
and hindering incantations
that are good against
blue- or black-stacked decks.
You think they're happy?
Do I think they're happy?
Yeah, like,
you think they mind
being made to play
Magic: The Gathering?
They're fucking chickens.
Well, our friend here
has some animal-rights concerns.
You have
any free-range chickens?
Free-range chickens are
primarily control-deck players
that slow the game down
with board-control cards.
Oh, screw the free-range
chickens, huh, Kenny?
Hey, how about
this little guy?
That one's kind of young.
I don't even know
what kind of cards he prefers.
Then he's perfect for us.
What should we name him,
Kenny?
I know.
How about McNuggets?
Hey, McNuggets.
You want to come play for us?
"Yes, I do, you guys."
Oh, wow.
Did you hear him, Kenny?
Mom, will you tell Dad
to get out of the bathroom?
He's been in there
for an hour!
Randy?
Hey! Hoo!
Ooh, thank you!
Randy, what are you doing?!
Oh!
Nothing, Sharon!
Just going to the bathroom,
if you don't mind.
Hey!
Randy, why are there
drums playing?
All right, Sharon.
I'm practicing.
Cock magic
is making a comeback.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sharon,
I don't know why or how,
but people all over town
are talking about it again.
Now, you know that I was
one of the best back in college.
I know that's why
you got kicked out of college.
Because people
didn't understand.
People were afraid, Sharon.
But now culture has caught up,
and even our son is discovering
what cock magic has to offer.
Stanley?
People are going to do it,
Sharon,
and it's up
to the professionals
to make sure
it's handled the right way.
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
Reuben casts Silklash Spider.
Silklash Spider can block
as if it had flying.
And now he casts Geistflame,
dealing one damage to McNuggets!
Come on, McNuggets!
Fight!
You can do it, McNuggets!
Quiet, please.
Wait!
McNuggets has cast
Punishing Fire,
absorbing the Geistflame
and dealing two damage
to the opponent!
Game, set, and match,
McNuggets!
Whoa!
- All right!
- Yeah!
All right, McNuggets!
Did we pick the right rooster
or what?
That was goddamn manly.
I mean, no offense to Kenny,
but that shit made regular
Magic: The Gathering
look like girls' volleyball.
Excuse me.
That was pretty impressive
down there.
You boys have a nice cock.
Thank you so very much.
I've never seen a rooster
throw down spells
with such raw brutality.
How would you like
to move him up to the big time?
You mean
there's more to this?
Oh, yes,
and I'm not talking about
the basement of
some seedy Chinese restaurant.
I'm talking about the basement
of a well-established
Chinese franchise.
Saturday night.
Here's the address.
Let's see what kind of money
your cock can really make.
Gee, thanks.
You hear that, McNuggets?
You're going
to the big leagues.
Okay, kids, it's time
for our birthday show.
Everyone, let's be quiet now.
Come on.
Yay!
A show, a show!
Do you kids like magic?
Yeah! Yay! Yeah!
Okay, well, let's all give
a cheer for the Amazingly Randi!
Hey, kids, are we having fun?
Oh, where'd my hat go?
Anyone seen my hat?
Okay.
The magician started.
Let's get the cake ready.
Now, some of you might think
that this is a little crazy.
But if you believe in magic...
You'll find that...
Ow! Ow!
Oh, God!
Can somebody help?! Please!
They're getting
a kick out of the magician, huh?
God, somebody help me out!
Can somebody... You!
Little girl!
Can you please just...
just check behind your ear?
Oh, it was behind her ear!
And there we go,
we're all better,
and I am the Amazingly Randi.
Thank you.
I hate you!
Dude, it was so badass.
Our guy slaughtered
every other fighter there,
and now he's moving up
to the real hard-core shit.
It was seriously about
the greatest night of our lives.
- Where was all this?
- We can't tell you, bro.
It's, like, hard-core,
underground shit.
Yeah.
You got to know people.
Dang it.
I wish I knew people.
All right, kids,
before we get started,
the coach of the girls'
volleyball team is here
and would like to say
a few words.
Thank you, Mr. Garrison.
Listen, uh, last night,
we had a pretty big game
against Evergreen.
The girls really hammered them,
but once again
we're, uh, a little disappointed
in the turnout.
Oh, Jesus.
Give it a rest already.
Yeah.
You know, when you put your all
into something,
it's kind of a bummer
when people don't seem to care.
Kind of makes you feel like
the sport you love
is becoming a joke.
Dude, girls' volleyball
isn't a joke.
Jokes are hard
and require skill.
Oh!
Fantastic girls' volleyball
joke, Stan.
The girls
wanted to say something,
so we're now
gonna hear a few words
from the captain
of the girls' volleyball team.
Hey, guys.
These games coming up
are really big,
and it would mean a lot to us
if you could try and make it.
Thanks.
Dude, Wendy plays volleyball.
Did you know that?
I don't think you knew that.
And then he, uh, took his penis
from behind our daughter's ear
and, uh, we, uh...
that's when we saw him
with, uh, the three rings
and his penis.
He was pulling it
through them somehow.
Uh-huh.
And what about the Cock Magic?
Where was that?
That's what I'm telling you.
It was right here.
Except... Except for the thing
where he poured the milk
into his penis.
He did that over there.
All right. All right.
Let's try and focus.
What kind of decks
were they using?
- Decks?
- Who?
There... There weren't
any decks.
Oh.
I get it now.
Do you know
what the penalty is
for calling in
a false Cock Magic report?
I'm so confused,
babe.
Who paid you to call us
and take our focus away
from the investigation?
- What color were they?
- Nobody paid us anything!
Now, there has been
a crime here,
and you better
do something about it!
Agreed.
Who first called 911?
Please! Don't take me
away from my child!
Mommy!
This is it.
1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Wow.
Here we are, McNuggets.
You've reached the big time.
Sorry. Panda Express is crosed.
We crosed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're here
for the Cock Magic.
Oh, okay. Come on.
10 darra. 10 darra.
10 darra?!
For the next round,
it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
versus Clucky.
Who is that?
That's Gadnuk,
Breaker of Worlds.
He's never lost a fight.
Hell, he's never even
lost one health.
What do you mean?
Is he a Red Mage
or a Green Mage?
Dude, he's, like, a beast.
He's got more legendary creature
cards than I've ever seen.
McNuggets is scared!
He doesn't want to play!
McNuggets is scared, dude.
Can you stack his deck
with more mana?
Can you stack McNuggets' deck
with more mana?!
He didn't stand a chance.
Not one spell cast before he was
obliterated by health drains.
That thing isn't human!
All right.
Your rooster's up next, boys.
I don't think
he wants to play, dude.
He doesn't have a choice.
But this isn't even a fight.
This is just a slaughter.
What do you think all
these people are here to see?
Holy shit, dude!
Dude, we forfeit!
We forfeit!
The hell you do!
Get your cock in there.
You're watching ESPN Illegal,
your source for bull fighting,
dog fighting, and Cock Magic.
And a warm welcome back
to the Cock Magic championships.
Certainly an electric atmosphere
here in the basement
of Panda Express.
The fight we were expecting,
of course...
Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
versus 10-month-old
Cornish rooster McNuggets.
In a complete shocker,
the challenger, McNuggets,
has been scratched,
and substituting for him
is 9-year-old Kenny McCormick.
Never a dull moment in
the illegal sport of Cock Magic.
Let's rejoin the battle now as
we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move.
Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
plays a creature card.
Jesus,
Paragon of Fierce Defiance.
Now every red creature
Gadnuk plays
will have a plus-one attack.
Come on, Kenny.
What did he play?
Did he tap all his mana?
Dude, he just cast
Psychogenic Probe.
Now every time the other rooster
has to shuffle his deck,
he loses two health.
He just had to shuffle it.
Did you hear that?
He's shuffling the deck already.
The only thing he's got on the
battleground now is an Overseer.
Does an Overseer
have trample?
Does an Overseer
have trample?!
A second Elvish Mystic now,
and Gadnuk attacks
with Merciful Pretender.
McCormick sends Charging Rhino
to the graveyard.
He's desperate now.
Not too much he can...
Oh! And he's just laid down
Life's Legacy!
That was not expected!
Gadnuk doesn't know
what hit him!
McCormick follows with Crackling
Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Holy shit, dude!
Gadnuk tries to block
with Living Totem, but...
Oh!
There is Terra Stomper!
This is absolute savagery!
Frenzied Goblin
has been sent to the graveyard,
and now there is no one
to block Pearl Lake Ancient!
My God! Someone has to
put a stop to this!
Freeze!
Well, well.
Looks like
I finally caught the big boys.
You're all going to jail
for a long time,
especially you, scumbag!
Lousy cops.
How did you find us?
We saw your flyers.
"Panda Express.
Cock magic at 9:00 p.m."
We didn't put those flyers out.
And now, for your
half-time entertainment,
please welcome the incomparable,
the beautiful,
the Amazingly Randi.
Uh, dude, your dad's here.
Thank you! Hey!
You know, we live in a world
of brutality and violence.
And some people think there's
no room for wonder anymore.
Well, just for a moment,
I want you to think one thing...
whatever you believe is real,
is real.
I'm a Barbie girl
in a Barbie world
Life in plastic,
it's fantastic
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ah ah ah, yeah
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ah ah ah, yeah
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh
Ooh oh oh
Ew!
AII right, for this last bit,
I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Anybody?
I'll volunteer.
AII right.
Come on up here.
What's your name?
I'm Detective Harris,
South Park Police.
AII right, a hand
for Detective Harris.
You know, if there's one thing
I could leave you all with,
it's this...
let cock magic be done
by the professionals.
Sir?
It was so hard-core,
you guys.
Kenny laid waste
to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds.
It got so out of hand
that the fucking cops
had to come
and break it up.
- Wow! The cops came?
- Yeah.
It was seriously the most manly
thing that's ever happened.
Kenny cast Glacial Crasher,
and then Stan's dad
shot his dick off.
I just... I seriously don't know
where we go from here.
You all right, Kenny?
Mrph rmh rmphm.
Mrph rmh rmh
rmphm mrph rmphm.
Hey, yeah.
What about poor McNuggets?
What's he gonna do now?
Wait a minute.
I've got it, you guys.
Got what?
A way to finally do something
good for other people.
South Park serves,
and McNuggets
plays a Plains land card.
1-nil, South Park.
Another serve.
And McNuggets
summons Dawntreader Elk.
One South Park player
is eliminated.
You, the girl with
the ponytails... You are dead.
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks
without temptation
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting
howdy neighbor
Headin' on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Hey, guys, thanks.
Support your team?
Thank you.
Hey, guys,
did you get one of these?
- Hope you can make it.
- What's this?
The girls' volleyball team
has a big game tonight,
and we're just asking for people
to come cheer us on.
Girls' volleyball?
Uh, sorry.
We're actually busy.
What's wrong with
supporting girls' athletics?
Dude, girls should totally
be allowed to play sports.
You just can't expect people
to want to watch.
Okay?
All right.
You know,
we're actually in the playoffs,
and all we keep hearing is,
"We're too busy."
But we actually are busy.
Tonight's the big fight.
What fight?
Dude, Kenny is fighting
Slaughterhouse tonight.
I mean, no offense,
but we're not gonna miss the
fight for girls' volleyball.
Yeah, so, sorry you're not
getting any spectators,
but there's hard-core
dude shit to watch.
All right, I'm going to play
a fifth mana card.
And then I'm going to attack
with my Elder Beast.
Hold on. Wait. Hold on.
Can Kenny block
his Elder Beast?
Not with his Shapeshifter.
It's already tapped.
This asshole
needs to make a move already.
Quiet in the peanut gallery,
please.
I am attacking,
but with a newly summoned
Spark Ghast who has trample.
Four damage
to your Planeswalker.
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
Oh, no! Kenny!
- Shh!
- But he's dying!
- What's that?
- He's playing an enchantment.
This late?
He's just
stacked his Shapeshifter
with an Elven Blade!
I can block that
with Uprooted Minotaur!
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
Serendib Sorcerer unblocked.
Winner... McCormick!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
No!
Dude, it was
complete brutality.
You've never seen anything
so ruthless.
It was seriously
almost hard to watch.
At one point, Kenny actually
polymorphed the dude
into a blue frog
with an instant attack card.
It was carnage, bro.
Wendy, did you hear about
last night?
Yeah, I heard
the girls' volleyball team
won by like 20 points.
Not that.
Did you actually go to that?
Yeah. You should show
your support, too, sometime.
Whatever.
Dude, I don't think people
are appreciating this.
It was such "pwnage,"
it was almost repulsive.
Hey! Psst!
Come over here.
You guys
like hard-core stuff, huh?
Yeah, we like hard-core stuff.
We're fucking dudes, bro.
Yeah, well, you boys want
to get in on some real action?
If you like excitement.
I'm not talking about
that little-boy stuff.
I'm talking real man shit.
We're men.
Well, then, if you want to see
real fights with real brutality,
go here.
This is the underground stuff,
so keep it quiet.
And you might want
to pack a barf bag.
Cool!
Should be the next one...
2778 Mala Vista Drive.
Wait.
This is City Wok.
What's exciting and hard-core
about shitty shrimp?
It doesn't even
look like they're open.
We crose!
We crose for the night!
Go away, prease!
Uh, Mitchell the janitor
sent us.
You porice?
- Rmh?
- Dude, do we look like police?
Okay, come on.
Come on.
Five darra.
Five darra each!
Come on!
Five darra!
Five darra?!
You go down.
Go down, find seat.
We in the sixth fight.
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Scrambles plays
a Black Swamp mana card.
Fluffy counters
with a mana card of his own.
And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!
More mana from Scrambles.
And yes,
that is Crippling Blight!
Crippling Blight
to the Fugitive Wizard!
Creature now has minus one
to strength and defense!
More mana from Fluffy.
Now he'll attack
with Fugitive Wizard.
And there's an instant attack
from Scrambles!
That is Peel from Reality!
Fugitive Wizard
is literally torn apart
from the battleground!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
The mana is flying now,
as both roosters
play sorcery spells!
It's Mass Calcify
against Into the Void!
- Dude, that was total carnage.
- That was freaking hard-core.
Can you believe that rooster
played a Kalonian Twingrove
with half his mana tapped?
It was just decimation.
It was really
about the most man thing
I think
we've ever been a part of.
We're going again
on Friday, right?
Hell yeah!
What's the matter, Kenny?
Mrph rmhmhm.
Rmh rmphm rm.
What's mean about it?
Mrph rmhmhm rm
mrph rmh rmphm.
You feel bad
for the roosters?
Rm.
Mrph rmh rmphm mrph rmhmhm.
Look, who's to say
the roosters don't want to play?
I mean, they were
going at it pretty hard.
Yeah. Maybe that's just
kind of what they do naturally.
Guys, I think
maybe Kenny's a little hurt
because he
was the big Magic champion
and now chickens
are stealing his thunder.
- Rm.
- Huh? A little bit?
Rm!
Dude, you know
what we should do?
We should all go in
on a rooster.
Dude, totally.
With Kenny's Magic skills,
we could probably
kick serious ass!
What do you think, Kenny?
Would that
make you feel better, huh?
Come on.
Where's that smile?
Where's that smile, Kenny?
I think he's smiling,
you guys.
Hello, Mr. McCormick.
Surprised to see us?
What do you mean?
Let's cut the crap, huh?
We know there's an illegal Cock
Magic ring going on in town.
We just want to know
who's leading it.
What's Cock Magic?
Right.
Roosters are being
forced against their will
to play Magic: The Gathering,
and you know nothing about it
because you're white.
Let's get something straight.
Cock Magic isn't an Asian thing
or a Mexican thing.
White people do it, too,
if they're poor enough.
You got a junked car in
your front yard, Mr. McCormick.
Care to tell us where the Cock
Magic fights are being held?
I don't go
to any Cock Magic fights.
Do you have sympathy at all
for the animals, Mr. McCormick?
Can you imagine
being kept in a small cage,
barely able to turn around,
and then finally let out,
only to be blasted
by Arctic ice spells
and legendary creature cards?
It's illegal, and it's wrong.
And anyone I find involved
with this filth is going down!
Now, I don't want to
lecture anybody,
but what you boys are getting
involved in is dangerous.
Dad, it's not that big a deal.
It is a big deal, okay?
People can get hurt.
Believe it or not, I was
into cock magic back in college.
You were?
Yeah, so I'm not some
fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it.
I just want to make sure
if you boys do it,
you do it right and safely.
Dad, that's not...
that's not Cock Magic.
Oh? Not impressed?
How about this?
What is it?
Hello? We're looking
to buy a rooster
that can play
Magic: The Gathering.
Never heard of Cock Magic
or roosters!
Uh, we aren't cops
or anything.
Come on in the back.
Don't mind the smell.
We only deal in the highest
quality poultry Planeswalkers.
Are you looking for
a New Hampshire
or a Cornish breed?
We don't
really know the difference.
Well, your New Hampshire
broiler chickens
are the best for white mana.
These here have been raised
to play mostly protection spells
and do well
with sorcery cards.
And here you got
your green mana necromancers...
lots of earthy growth
and hindering incantations
that are good against
blue- or black-stacked decks.
You think they're happy?
Do I think they're happy?
Yeah, like,
you think they mind
being made to play
Magic: The Gathering?
They're fucking chickens.
Well, our friend here
has some animal-rights concerns.
You have
any free-range chickens?
Free-range chickens are
primarily control-deck players
that slow the game down
with board-control cards.
Oh, screw the free-range
chickens, huh, Kenny?
Hey, how about
this little guy?
That one's kind of young.
I don't even know
what kind of cards he prefers.
Then he's perfect for us.
What should we name him,
Kenny?
I know.
How about McNuggets?
Hey, McNuggets.
You want to come play for us?
"Yes, I do, you guys."
Oh, wow.
Did you hear him, Kenny?
Mom, will you tell Dad
to get out of the bathroom?
He's been in there
for an hour!
Randy?
Hey! Hoo!
Ooh, thank you!
Randy, what are you doing?!
Oh!
Nothing, Sharon!
Just going to the bathroom,
if you don't mind.
Hey!
Randy, why are there
drums playing?
All right, Sharon.
I'm practicing.
Cock magic
is making a comeback.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sharon,
I don't know why or how,
but people all over town
are talking about it again.
Now, you know that I was
one of the best back in college.
I know that's why
you got kicked out of college.
Because people
didn't understand.
People were afraid, Sharon.
But now culture has caught up,
and even our son is discovering
what cock magic has to offer.
Stanley?
People are going to do it,
Sharon,
and it's up
to the professionals
to make sure
it's handled the right way.
Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
Reuben casts Silklash Spider.
Silklash Spider can block
as if it had flying.
And now he casts Geistflame,
dealing one damage to McNuggets!
Come on, McNuggets!
Fight!
You can do it, McNuggets!
Quiet, please.
Wait!
McNuggets has cast
Punishing Fire,
absorbing the Geistflame
and dealing two damage
to the opponent!
Game, set, and match,
McNuggets!
Whoa!
- All right!
- Yeah!
All right, McNuggets!
Did we pick the right rooster
or what?
That was goddamn manly.
I mean, no offense to Kenny,
but that shit made regular
Magic: The Gathering
look like girls' volleyball.
Excuse me.
That was pretty impressive
down there.
You boys have a nice cock.
Thank you so very much.
I've never seen a rooster
throw down spells
with such raw brutality.
How would you like
to move him up to the big time?
You mean
there's more to this?
Oh, yes,
and I'm not talking about
the basement of
some seedy Chinese restaurant.
I'm talking about the basement
of a well-established
Chinese franchise.
Saturday night.
Here's the address.
Let's see what kind of money
your cock can really make.
Gee, thanks.
You hear that, McNuggets?
You're going
to the big leagues.
Okay, kids, it's time
for our birthday show.
Everyone, let's be quiet now.
Come on.
Yay!
A show, a show!
Do you kids like magic?
Yeah! Yay! Yeah!
Okay, well, let's all give
a cheer for the Amazingly Randi!
Hey, kids, are we having fun?
Oh, where'd my hat go?
Anyone seen my hat?
Okay.
The magician started.
Let's get the cake ready.
Now, some of you might think
that this is a little crazy.
But if you believe in magic...
You'll find that...
Ow! Ow!
Oh, God!
Can somebody help?! Please!
They're getting
a kick out of the magician, huh?
God, somebody help me out!
Can somebody... You!
Little girl!
Can you please just...
just check behind your ear?
Oh, it was behind her ear!
And there we go,
we're all better,
and I am the Amazingly Randi.
Thank you.
I hate you!
Dude, it was so badass.
Our guy slaughtered
every other fighter there,
and now he's moving up
to the real hard-core shit.
It was seriously about
the greatest night of our lives.
- Where was all this?
- We can't tell you, bro.
It's, like, hard-core,
underground shit.
Yeah.
You got to know people.
Dang it.
I wish I knew people.
All right, kids,
before we get started,
the coach of the girls'
volleyball team is here
and would like to say
a few words.
Thank you, Mr. Garrison.
Listen, uh, last night,
we had a pretty big game
against Evergreen.
The girls really hammered them,
but once again
we're, uh, a little disappointed
in the turnout.
Oh, Jesus.
Give it a rest already.
Yeah.
You know, when you put your all
into something,
it's kind of a bummer
when people don't seem to care.
Kind of makes you feel like
the sport you love
is becoming a joke.
Dude, girls' volleyball
isn't a joke.
Jokes are hard
and require skill.
Oh!
Fantastic girls' volleyball
joke, Stan.
The girls
wanted to say something,
so we're now
gonna hear a few words
from the captain
of the girls' volleyball team.
Hey, guys.
These games coming up
are really big,
and it would mean a lot to us
if you could try and make it.
Thanks.
Dude, Wendy plays volleyball.
Did you know that?
I don't think you knew that.
And then he, uh, took his penis
from behind our daughter's ear
and, uh, we, uh...
that's when we saw him
with, uh, the three rings
and his penis.
He was pulling it
through them somehow.
Uh-huh.
And what about the Cock Magic?
Where was that?
That's what I'm telling you.
It was right here.
Except... Except for the thing
where he poured the milk
into his penis.
He did that over there.
All right. All right.
Let's try and focus.
What kind of decks
were they using?
- Decks?
- Who?
There... There weren't
any decks.
Oh.
I get it now.
Do you know
what the penalty is
for calling in
a false Cock Magic report?
I'm so confused,
babe.
Who paid you to call us
and take our focus away
from the investigation?
- What color were they?
- Nobody paid us anything!
Now, there has been
a crime here,
and you better
do something about it!
Agreed.
Who first called 911?
Please! Don't take me
away from my child!
Mommy!
This is it.
1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Wow.
Here we are, McNuggets.
You've reached the big time.
Sorry. Panda Express is crosed.
We crosed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're here
for the Cock Magic.
Oh, okay. Come on.
10 darra. 10 darra.
10 darra?!
For the next round,
it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
versus Clucky.
Who is that?
That's Gadnuk,
Breaker of Worlds.
He's never lost a fight.
Hell, he's never even
lost one health.
What do you mean?
Is he a Red Mage
or a Green Mage?
Dude, he's, like, a beast.
He's got more legendary creature
cards than I've ever seen.
McNuggets is scared!
He doesn't want to play!
McNuggets is scared, dude.
Can you stack his deck
with more mana?
Can you stack McNuggets' deck
with more mana?!
He didn't stand a chance.
Not one spell cast before he was
obliterated by health drains.
That thing isn't human!
All right.
Your rooster's up next, boys.
I don't think
he wants to play, dude.
He doesn't have a choice.
But this isn't even a fight.
This is just a slaughter.
What do you think all
these people are here to see?
Holy shit, dude!
Dude, we forfeit!
We forfeit!
The hell you do!
Get your cock in there.
You're watching ESPN Illegal,
your source for bull fighting,
dog fighting, and Cock Magic.
And a warm welcome back
to the Cock Magic championships.
Certainly an electric atmosphere
here in the basement
of Panda Express.
The fight we were expecting,
of course...
Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
versus 10-month-old
Cornish rooster McNuggets.
In a complete shocker,
the challenger, McNuggets,
has been scratched,
and substituting for him
is 9-year-old Kenny McCormick.
Never a dull moment in
the illegal sport of Cock Magic.
Let's rejoin the battle now as
we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move.
Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds,
plays a creature card.
Jesus,
Paragon of Fierce Defiance.
Now every red creature
Gadnuk plays
will have a plus-one attack.
Come on, Kenny.
What did he play?
Did he tap all his mana?
Dude, he just cast
Psychogenic Probe.
Now every time the other rooster
has to shuffle his deck,
he loses two health.
He just had to shuffle it.
Did you hear that?
He's shuffling the deck already.
The only thing he's got on the
battleground now is an Overseer.
Does an Overseer
have trample?
Does an Overseer
have trample?!
A second Elvish Mystic now,
and Gadnuk attacks
with Merciful Pretender.
McCormick sends Charging Rhino
to the graveyard.
He's desperate now.
Not too much he can...
Oh! And he's just laid down
Life's Legacy!
That was not expected!
Gadnuk doesn't know
what hit him!
McCormick follows with Crackling
Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Holy shit, dude!
Gadnuk tries to block
with Living Totem, but...
Oh!
There is Terra Stomper!
This is absolute savagery!
Frenzied Goblin
has been sent to the graveyard,
and now there is no one
to block Pearl Lake Ancient!
My God! Someone has to
put a stop to this!
Freeze!
Well, well.
Looks like
I finally caught the big boys.
You're all going to jail
for a long time,
especially you, scumbag!
Lousy cops.
How did you find us?
We saw your flyers.
"Panda Express.
Cock magic at 9:00 p.m."
We didn't put those flyers out.
And now, for your
half-time entertainment,
please welcome the incomparable,
the beautiful,
the Amazingly Randi.
Uh, dude, your dad's here.
Thank you! Hey!
You know, we live in a world
of brutality and violence.
And some people think there's
no room for wonder anymore.
Well, just for a moment,
I want you to think one thing...
whatever you believe is real,
is real.
I'm a Barbie girl
in a Barbie world
Life in plastic,
it's fantastic
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ah ah ah, yeah
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ah ah ah, yeah
Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
Ooh oh oh, ooh oh oh
Ooh oh oh
Ew!
AII right, for this last bit,
I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Anybody?
I'll volunteer.
AII right.
Come on up here.
What's your name?
I'm Detective Harris,
South Park Police.
AII right, a hand
for Detective Harris.
You know, if there's one thing
I could leave you all with,
it's this...
let cock magic be done
by the professionals.
Sir?
It was so hard-core,
you guys.
Kenny laid waste
to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds.
It got so out of hand
that the fucking cops
had to come
and break it up.
- Wow! The cops came?
- Yeah.
It was seriously the most manly
thing that's ever happened.
Kenny cast Glacial Crasher,
and then Stan's dad
shot his dick off.
I just... I seriously don't know
where we go from here.
You all right, Kenny?
Mrph rmh rmphm.
Mrph rmh rmh
rmphm mrph rmphm.
Hey, yeah.
What about poor McNuggets?
What's he gonna do now?
Wait a minute.
I've got it, you guys.
Got what?
A way to finally do something
good for other people.
South Park serves,
and McNuggets
plays a Plains land card.
1-nil, South Park.
Another serve.
And McNuggets
summons Dawntreader Elk.
One South Park player
is eliminated.
You, the girl with
the ponytails... You are dead.