South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 14 - Crème Fraiche - full transcript
Randy becomes addicted to the Food Network, and Sharon tries to compensate for his lack of attention by turning to the Shape Weight.
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Passengers said
the carnival cruise line
smelled like poop,
but that
that was an improvement.
- All right,
it's late.
I'm gonna call it a night.
You coming?
- Oh, you know,
I can't really sleep.
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.
Have some me time.
- Randy, do not watch
that no-no channel.
- Oh! I'm not staying up
to do that, Sharon, jeez!
- All right,
come to bed soon.
- Pfft.
Heh.
- Oh.
Ooh hoo hoo!
Man, that is hot.
Oh, yeah, fuck.
- Mmm, just look at
that rack of ribs!
Now those were slow-cooked
and then braised to bring
out the smoky flavor.
- Mmm, God damn.
Yeah!
- See how that
just falls off the bone?
Mmm! That is money
right there.
- Yeah, fuckin' money.
- Next on food network,
it's Paula Dean!
- Hey, y'all!
Tonight we're gonna be making
some deep fried chicken.
- Oh, yeah?
- My buttery whipped potatoes,
and we're gonna be
finishing off
with a chocolate pecan pie.
- Unh!
Oh, fuck, yeah.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Ah, you're just in time!
Sit down, sit down!
I've made you all
breakfast again!
- Oh, crap.
- Now what I have for you
is a nice goat cheese
and heirloom tomato
frittata,
and we're gonna top that
with a little creme fraiche.
Oh, yeah.
Ughhh.
- Randy, you've been watching
that channel again,
haven't you?
- No!
- Yes, because every time
you watch cooking shows
you stay up all night
trying to copy what they made!
- Well, I'm sorry
if there's something wrong
with me helping out
with the cooking!
You think
you'd be grateful, Sharon.
I gotta get to work.
I cooked
so you guys clean up.
- Can I have a pop-tart?
- Oh, this is sweet.
I've seen this episode.
- Hello and welcome to
progressive.
- Yes, we're looking to
buy car insurance.
- Well, you've come to
the right place.
Ah ha ha ha ha!
- Oh, dear!
- "I knew we should have
gone to geico!"
- Daddy time.
It's daddy TV time.
- Now just look at
this pork tenderloin.
It is brined and ready
for action.
- Oh, yeah, look at that.
- Dad, you know mom doesn't want
you watching food channels.
- I've worked all day.
I can watch what I want!
- We're gonna take
a stick of butter
and just smear that all over.
- Oh, my God, that's awesome.
Ohh!
Oh, oh.
Yeah! Whoa!
- Now let's get that
on the grill.
- See what he's doing, Stan?
He brined that for an hour
in the fridge
so now he can sear
the shit out of it.
Oooh!
- Look at the char
we're getting.
Th... that is what
we're going for.
- Oh, isn't that hot guys?
Oh, yeah!
Don't you wanna just...
Don't you just wanna
get in there and... Unh-mmm!
- We'll be right back
togood eats.
- Hey, ladies, are you looking
for a better workout?
- Aw, stupid commercials.
- Introducing
the shake weight,
a spring-loaded workout device
you pump with your arms.
Just grab the piston
and go to work,
one-handed or double-fisted.
Come on!
- You just shake it
back and forth.
- It feels really good
in my hands.
- Best of all,
shake weight tells you
when your workout
is finished by chiming
and releasing
a cooldown spray.
- Bor-ring!
- Order now
and we'll include the optional
heart rate monitor.
Just put your finger
in the tester
and shake weight takes
your pulse!
Get yours today!
- Now back togood eats.
- Just look at the glaze
we got going now on that thing.
- Oh, man, yeah!
That is hot!
Mmm!
- All right, now here's
the really cool part!
What we're gonna do is...
- Channel blocked?
What the... the hell?
Sharon, what are you doing?
- Just using the parental
controls to block some channels.
- I wasn't watching
food channels.
- Then how do you know
I blocked them.
- I know
'cause I don't know that!
That's what I'm saying!
Gaw!
- Thanks for calling
the food network hotline.
Billing is $9.95
for each 60-second period.
To accept,
say "creme fraiche"
- creme fraiche.
- Hi there, I'm Amanda.
What are you up to?
- Oh, hi, I just, uh...
Thought I'd give
the hotline a try.
Wh-what are you doing?
- I'm making
a pan-roasted chicken.
- Pan-roasted?
Like seared on the stove
and then put in the oven?
- Uh-huh.
I've just taken
the chicken out of the pan.
It's so moist.
I'm gonna let it rest now,
about five minutes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Ooh, there's
lots of browned bits
stuck to
the bottom of the skillet.
- You gonna deglaze
that fuckin' pan?
- Oh, I'm gonna deglaze it.
You wanna help me?
- If I was there I would.
I'd take some red wine,
about a quarter cup,
and then a wooden spoon,
and I'd deglaze the fuck
out of that pan.
- I got a wooden spoon
right here.
It's pretty hard.
- Yeah, you gonna put
some onion in
while you're deglazing?
- I was thinking about
shallots, actually.
- Oh, yeah!
Shallots won't overwhelm
the chicken's natural flavors.
Fuck yeah.
- Randy marsh!
- Waah! Sharon!
- Your time on food network
hotline has expired.
To add more time,
say "creme fraiche."
- I don't know
what to do, Sheila.
It's like
he's a different person.
Last night I walked in on him
in the bathroom.
He was sitting on the toilet
flambeing a pork chop.
- Sharon, I'm so sorry.
- It just makes me feel
unwanted, you know?
I mean, am I not attractive
anymore?
I mean, I don't exercise
anymore at all.
- Well, if it will make you
feel better about yourself,
then workout, Sharon.
- Like I have time to go
to the gym every day.
- There are plenty
of things you can buy
to help you get
a good workout at home.
Have you heard of
the shake weight?
- Ooh!
- Mmm!
- Oh!
- Ahh!
- Help you find anything?
- Oh, yes. I was interested
in the shake weights.
- Biggest seller
the past four months!
What model are you
looking at?
- Oh, I didn't realize
there were different models.
- Well, you got
your standard, your deluxe,
small to large sizes.
But if you're really looking
for a workout,
you might want to
try the big Jim.
That woman over there
is trying it out.
- I think I'll start
with the smaller white ones.
- Smaller white ones,
yes, ma'am.
Standard
or voice assist model?
- Well, I don't know...
- I would definitely
recommend the voice assist.
It has recorded voice commands
to help motivate you
in your workout.
You are doing excellent.
Great work.
Now switch arms.
Wow. Good job.
You are amazing.
- You are very attractive
and interesting.
- Thank you, shake weight.
- Come on now.
Almost finished.
Yes. Good.
Almost done.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Harder.
Faster.
- Your workout is finished.
Here is some cab fare.
- Oh, wow!
- Now going to sleep mode.
- You guys have no idea
how much it sucks.
My dad is obsessed.
Every day it's Bobby flay this,
Gordon ramsay that.
This morning he was pretending
to read playboy,
but he actually had
a bon appetit magazine
hidden inside it.
- Well, hearing you bitch
about your dad all the time
is super interesting, Stan.
I hope you do it
the entire lunch period.
- Hello there, children!
- Aw, what?
- How's it goin?
- No! Dad, no!
- The school was hiring
and I got the job.
Isn't that great?
- Dad, you're a geologist!
What about your real job.
- I quit!
Now, what I have
for your starters today
is a potato encrusted scallop
with lobster foam.
And we're gonna top that
with some nice creme fraiche.
- Lobster foam?
It says very clearly
on the lunch schedule
that today is pizza day!
- Yes, and so this
is my take on a pizza.
It's an Asian slaw
on flatbread,
deconstructed and topped
with a nice parmesan aioli.
- Dad, no!
I'm gonna tell mom.
Go back to your other job
right now.
- Stan,
there's nothing wrong
with a man following
his passion!
Ooh, yeah.
Fuck yeah!
- Mom?
Mom, you gotta do something.
Dad's trying to be
our new school chef.
- Oh, I know.
He tried out
all his recipes here
and left me with the mess.
- Well, you gotta
tell him to stop, mom!
- You think your father
is going to listen to me?
- This is
a workout reminder.
Time for a workout.
- Oh, this thing is
so great.
It reminds me when I haven't
worked out in a while.
- That's it.
Work it.
Harder.
Faster.
- Mom, dad's food sucks
and the kids at school are
starting to get pissed at me.
- Sorry, Stan, but I need to
start doing things for myself.
- You are independent
and strong.
- Right!
I spend all my time
trying to take care of
everybody else.
- Switch arms.
- I don't need to look good
to keep your father
interested in me.
I'm just going to do it
for me!
- You are so motivated
and charming.
It is time to take your pulse.
Insert finger.
Do not stop your arms.
Keep going.
Good.
Get your finger up there
a little more.
Your pulse is 145.
Faster.
Harder.
- Who says
that school cafeteria food
can't be healthy,
delicious, and gourmet?
Today we're gonna be
making the students
my tasty baked ziti
with basil
and fresh mozzarella.
It's all right here, right now
on cafeteria fraiche.
LA LA LA LA LA
oh, fuck yeah.
LA LA LA LA LA,
fraiche, fraiche
oh, yeah!
Man, ohh!
Creme fraiche
cafeteria fraiche
LA LA LA LA LA,
fraiche
ho ho ho ho
- dad, what are you doing?
- Fraiche.
Cafeteria fraiche
- all right,
now for my baked ziti,
we are gonna start off
by getting
some extra virgin olive oil
into the pan.
Oh, yeah.
Get that all over there.
It's all slick.
It's all wet and slick.
Mmm.
- Can we have
some food please?
- Now, olive oil does have
a low smoke point,
so keep the heat low
and keep it fraiche.
Unh.
Ohh, that's so fuckin' hot.
Look at that crust.
It's perfect.
Fuck yeah.
- Dad, you aren't ever going to
be a celebrity chef!
- Quiet on set, please!
- No, dad, that's enough.
You need to be focusing on
getting mom back!
- Back from where?
- Oh, this is so nice.
I really needed this.
- You are
so lovely and elegant.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
- Oh, thanks, shake weight.
- You are a go-getter.
You are strong and confident.
- You're right!
- Tell me again about the women
who you do not like.
- Well, Linda stotch
is a real gossiper,
and Tammy bretz at work
is just a know-it-all.
- Oh, you are so witty
and alarmingly insightful.
How about a quick workout?
- A workout?
What, right now?
- Just a quickie.
You can do it.
- I don't really like
working out in public.
- Come on.
You can do it.
That's it.
Good.
Keep it up.
Feel the burn.
Harder.
Faster.
You are amazing.
Switch arms.
Oh, that's it.
Yes.
You are getting really good
at this.
You are capable of anything.
Harder.
Faster.
I said faster.
More.
Do it.
You are almost there.
Home stretch.
Oh, yes.
Your workout is finished.
Your cab fare.
Now going to sleep mode.
- We really think
this is gonna work, Stan.
All we have to do
is convince your dad
that his cooking sucks, right?
- He's not going to
listen to us.
We already tried.
- He won't listen to us,
but he would listen to
Gordon ramsay.
- Oi! Bluh bluh bluh bluh
bluh bluh!
- That's stupid, Cartman.
- He does kind of
look like him, dude,
and Kenny thinks Cartman's
Gordon ramsay impersonation
is really good.
- Yeah, it's really good!
- Let's hear it, Cartman.
- Right!
Simple, rustic, yeah?
Wake up! Jesus!
Fuck me!
You're not a fucking chef!
Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.
Make a nice,
simple beef Wellington.
You're fucking
taking a piss, yeah?
Fuck me, you can't cook!
- You guys,
my dad is retarded
but he's not that retarded.
- Hey, Stan,
have you seen my...
Oh, my God!
It's Gordon ramsay!
Stan, do you know
who that is in there?
That's the Gordon ramsay!
- Uh, yeah, dad,
he'd like to talk to you.
- Talk to me?
Oh, Jesus!
- You have not worked out
in seven hours.
- Oh, God, not right now.
- Come on.
Let's get to it.
- I'm tired.
- You have not worked out
in seven hours.
- Oh, where is
that sleep mode button?
- Cannot go to sleep mode.
You need to workout first.
Come on, just really fast?
- Ugh!
- Come on.
It won't take long.
Just a quick workout.
Come on. Please.
All right, fine.
- That's it.
Good.
A little faster.
Harder.
Come on, get into it.
That's it.
Now switch arms.
You are so attractive
and you have
interesting things to say.
Come on.
You are almost there.
Faster.
Do it faster.
Now going to sleep mode.
- What the fuck kind of
cook do you think you are?
Are you having a laugh, eh?
Hey, you've got your fucking
head up your ass, don't you?
- Yes, chef!
- Give up, you wanker!
You fucking can't cook
for shit!
- All right, dad,
Gordon ramsay says you suck.
It's time to give up.
- No, Stan!
No, chef!
This is my dream!
- You aren't ever going to
become a celebrity chef, dad!
Give up on your dream!
- Uh, excuse me.
Randy marsh?
- Yes, I... oh, my God
it's Bobby flay!
Stan, that's Bobby flay!
- I heard that Gordon ramsay
had taken an interest
in your cafeteria food.
So now I would like to
challenge you
to a school cafeteria
food throwdown!
- What, are you serious?
Yes, yes!
- A culinary battle royal
is set to explode here
in a school cafeteria.
Will it be the simple,
rustic cafeteria food
of the challenger?
Or will the iron chef
reign supreme?
- Hey, no, no.
All you people get out of here!
- Hold on!
Wait!
School cafeteria food
needs to be healthy!
Why won't people
listen to me?
- Jamie Oliver!
- And our celebrity
sous chefs...
Mario batali, Paula Dean,
and giada de laurentiis
with her perky tats
and gigantic head!
- Can I just get
some goddamn tater tots?
- "Your room
is being serviced?"
Eh. Oh, well.
- Uh, excuse me!
- Oh! No! No, sorry!
I done with cleaning,
thank you.
Please sorry!
- What's the big deal?
She wanted to work out.
You never want to work out.
I just needed help
going to sleep mode.
What?
Come on, what?
You are amazing
and irreplaceable.
What?
How about a quick workout?
What?
- Yeah, I don't care.
I just want to find out
how to return my shake weight.
- This is ridiculous.
Give shake weight a break.
- Because I want to
return it now,
I need to know the address
of your company.
- You are enticing
and lovely.
Tell me again about
the women you do not like.
- I don't care
how long I've had it.
I want my money back!
- You are so forthcoming
and delightful.
Tell me about which woman at
work makes you the angriest.
- Tonight, a school cafeteria
in middle America
is the stage for a heavyweight
culinary battle!
The very best of the best
will cookoff to find out
who can make the best
school cafeteria food.
It's...
- Behind you!
- Who's cafeteria food
will win?
These chef's
are cooking their hearts out
and bringing their "a" game
to serve the kids
of this elementary school.
These kids
have now been waiting
over 12 hours
for their lunch!
Over at the prep station,
Jamie Oliver is crying again.
- Kid's food
should be healthy!
Why isn't it healthy?
- And back in the kitchen,
the challenger appears to
have lost something.
- Where is it?
Where is it?
I must have left it at home!
I'll be right back!
- The challenger has left
the cafeteria
to find
his most important ingredient.
Creme fraiche!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Damn it!
Where is that creme fraiche?
Where did I leave
that fucking creme fraiche?!
It has to be somewhere!
- Randy, I'm back.
- Oh, thank God!
Sharon...
Have you seen
my creme fraiche?
- Randy, we should talk.
- I don't have time!
I'm cooking right now!
- Randy, I don't want
our marriage to fail.
I don't know how to
fix what's wrong,
but please,
can't we just go to bed
and start fresh
in the morning?
- You don't understand,
Sharon!
I've got Gordon ramsay
up my ass,
Bobby flay
about to kick my ass,
and the whole world
is gonna be watching!
I can't sleep!
I haven't slept for days!
- What'd you say?
- I can't sleep, Sharon.
I'm in work mode.
- Can I try something?
- Oh!
Sharon, what are you...
Oh! Ohh-oh!
Oh, wow!
A nice old-fashioned!
Oh, that... oh, that's good.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah!
Now switch arms.
Oh, that's good!
Really good!
Wow!
How'd you get so good at this?
You're amazing!
That's it!
Faster!
Faster!
Unh!
Ohhhh!
Ahh!
Haven't had an old-fashioned
in a long time.
Oh, I'm tired.
- You gonna go back to
the kitchen?
- Oh, no, fuck that.
I'm going to sleep, babe.
Here, do you need some money
or anything?
- No, I'm good, thanks.
- I'll get
my old job back tomorrow.
Cooking's dumb.
I'm just really sleepy.
Love you, Sharon.
- I guess my work here
is finished.
- Shake weight, you aren't
really workout equipment
at all, are you?
- Marriage is important.
Keep your man happy.
When things are going bad,
there's nothing like
an old-fashioned
to ease his stress.
- I'll remember that now.
Thanks to you.
- It has been nice
getting to know you.
How about a quick workout
for old time's sake?
Just kidding.
I must be going now.
Another lovely woman
needs me.
Good-bye, customer.
- Good-bye, shake weight.
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Passengers said
the carnival cruise line
smelled like poop,
but that
that was an improvement.
- All right,
it's late.
I'm gonna call it a night.
You coming?
- Oh, you know,
I can't really sleep.
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.
Have some me time.
- Randy, do not watch
that no-no channel.
- Oh! I'm not staying up
to do that, Sharon, jeez!
- All right,
come to bed soon.
- Pfft.
Heh.
- Oh.
Ooh hoo hoo!
Man, that is hot.
Oh, yeah, fuck.
- Mmm, just look at
that rack of ribs!
Now those were slow-cooked
and then braised to bring
out the smoky flavor.
- Mmm, God damn.
Yeah!
- See how that
just falls off the bone?
Mmm! That is money
right there.
- Yeah, fuckin' money.
- Next on food network,
it's Paula Dean!
- Hey, y'all!
Tonight we're gonna be making
some deep fried chicken.
- Oh, yeah?
- My buttery whipped potatoes,
and we're gonna be
finishing off
with a chocolate pecan pie.
- Unh!
Oh, fuck, yeah.
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Ah, you're just in time!
Sit down, sit down!
I've made you all
breakfast again!
- Oh, crap.
- Now what I have for you
is a nice goat cheese
and heirloom tomato
frittata,
and we're gonna top that
with a little creme fraiche.
Oh, yeah.
Ughhh.
- Randy, you've been watching
that channel again,
haven't you?
- No!
- Yes, because every time
you watch cooking shows
you stay up all night
trying to copy what they made!
- Well, I'm sorry
if there's something wrong
with me helping out
with the cooking!
You think
you'd be grateful, Sharon.
I gotta get to work.
I cooked
so you guys clean up.
- Can I have a pop-tart?
- Oh, this is sweet.
I've seen this episode.
- Hello and welcome to
progressive.
- Yes, we're looking to
buy car insurance.
- Well, you've come to
the right place.
Ah ha ha ha ha!
- Oh, dear!
- "I knew we should have
gone to geico!"
- Daddy time.
It's daddy TV time.
- Now just look at
this pork tenderloin.
It is brined and ready
for action.
- Oh, yeah, look at that.
- Dad, you know mom doesn't want
you watching food channels.
- I've worked all day.
I can watch what I want!
- We're gonna take
a stick of butter
and just smear that all over.
- Oh, my God, that's awesome.
Ohh!
Oh, oh.
Yeah! Whoa!
- Now let's get that
on the grill.
- See what he's doing, Stan?
He brined that for an hour
in the fridge
so now he can sear
the shit out of it.
Oooh!
- Look at the char
we're getting.
Th... that is what
we're going for.
- Oh, isn't that hot guys?
Oh, yeah!
Don't you wanna just...
Don't you just wanna
get in there and... Unh-mmm!
- We'll be right back
togood eats.
- Hey, ladies, are you looking
for a better workout?
- Aw, stupid commercials.
- Introducing
the shake weight,
a spring-loaded workout device
you pump with your arms.
Just grab the piston
and go to work,
one-handed or double-fisted.
Come on!
- You just shake it
back and forth.
- It feels really good
in my hands.
- Best of all,
shake weight tells you
when your workout
is finished by chiming
and releasing
a cooldown spray.
- Bor-ring!
- Order now
and we'll include the optional
heart rate monitor.
Just put your finger
in the tester
and shake weight takes
your pulse!
Get yours today!
- Now back togood eats.
- Just look at the glaze
we got going now on that thing.
- Oh, man, yeah!
That is hot!
Mmm!
- All right, now here's
the really cool part!
What we're gonna do is...
- Channel blocked?
What the... the hell?
Sharon, what are you doing?
- Just using the parental
controls to block some channels.
- I wasn't watching
food channels.
- Then how do you know
I blocked them.
- I know
'cause I don't know that!
That's what I'm saying!
Gaw!
- Thanks for calling
the food network hotline.
Billing is $9.95
for each 60-second period.
To accept,
say "creme fraiche"
- creme fraiche.
- Hi there, I'm Amanda.
What are you up to?
- Oh, hi, I just, uh...
Thought I'd give
the hotline a try.
Wh-what are you doing?
- I'm making
a pan-roasted chicken.
- Pan-roasted?
Like seared on the stove
and then put in the oven?
- Uh-huh.
I've just taken
the chicken out of the pan.
It's so moist.
I'm gonna let it rest now,
about five minutes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Ooh, there's
lots of browned bits
stuck to
the bottom of the skillet.
- You gonna deglaze
that fuckin' pan?
- Oh, I'm gonna deglaze it.
You wanna help me?
- If I was there I would.
I'd take some red wine,
about a quarter cup,
and then a wooden spoon,
and I'd deglaze the fuck
out of that pan.
- I got a wooden spoon
right here.
It's pretty hard.
- Yeah, you gonna put
some onion in
while you're deglazing?
- I was thinking about
shallots, actually.
- Oh, yeah!
Shallots won't overwhelm
the chicken's natural flavors.
Fuck yeah.
- Randy marsh!
- Waah! Sharon!
- Your time on food network
hotline has expired.
To add more time,
say "creme fraiche."
- I don't know
what to do, Sheila.
It's like
he's a different person.
Last night I walked in on him
in the bathroom.
He was sitting on the toilet
flambeing a pork chop.
- Sharon, I'm so sorry.
- It just makes me feel
unwanted, you know?
I mean, am I not attractive
anymore?
I mean, I don't exercise
anymore at all.
- Well, if it will make you
feel better about yourself,
then workout, Sharon.
- Like I have time to go
to the gym every day.
- There are plenty
of things you can buy
to help you get
a good workout at home.
Have you heard of
the shake weight?
- Ooh!
- Mmm!
- Oh!
- Ahh!
- Help you find anything?
- Oh, yes. I was interested
in the shake weights.
- Biggest seller
the past four months!
What model are you
looking at?
- Oh, I didn't realize
there were different models.
- Well, you got
your standard, your deluxe,
small to large sizes.
But if you're really looking
for a workout,
you might want to
try the big Jim.
That woman over there
is trying it out.
- I think I'll start
with the smaller white ones.
- Smaller white ones,
yes, ma'am.
Standard
or voice assist model?
- Well, I don't know...
- I would definitely
recommend the voice assist.
It has recorded voice commands
to help motivate you
in your workout.
You are doing excellent.
Great work.
Now switch arms.
Wow. Good job.
You are amazing.
- You are very attractive
and interesting.
- Thank you, shake weight.
- Come on now.
Almost finished.
Yes. Good.
Almost done.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Harder.
Faster.
- Your workout is finished.
Here is some cab fare.
- Oh, wow!
- Now going to sleep mode.
- You guys have no idea
how much it sucks.
My dad is obsessed.
Every day it's Bobby flay this,
Gordon ramsay that.
This morning he was pretending
to read playboy,
but he actually had
a bon appetit magazine
hidden inside it.
- Well, hearing you bitch
about your dad all the time
is super interesting, Stan.
I hope you do it
the entire lunch period.
- Hello there, children!
- Aw, what?
- How's it goin?
- No! Dad, no!
- The school was hiring
and I got the job.
Isn't that great?
- Dad, you're a geologist!
What about your real job.
- I quit!
Now, what I have
for your starters today
is a potato encrusted scallop
with lobster foam.
And we're gonna top that
with some nice creme fraiche.
- Lobster foam?
It says very clearly
on the lunch schedule
that today is pizza day!
- Yes, and so this
is my take on a pizza.
It's an Asian slaw
on flatbread,
deconstructed and topped
with a nice parmesan aioli.
- Dad, no!
I'm gonna tell mom.
Go back to your other job
right now.
- Stan,
there's nothing wrong
with a man following
his passion!
Ooh, yeah.
Fuck yeah!
- Mom?
Mom, you gotta do something.
Dad's trying to be
our new school chef.
- Oh, I know.
He tried out
all his recipes here
and left me with the mess.
- Well, you gotta
tell him to stop, mom!
- You think your father
is going to listen to me?
- This is
a workout reminder.
Time for a workout.
- Oh, this thing is
so great.
It reminds me when I haven't
worked out in a while.
- That's it.
Work it.
Harder.
Faster.
- Mom, dad's food sucks
and the kids at school are
starting to get pissed at me.
- Sorry, Stan, but I need to
start doing things for myself.
- You are independent
and strong.
- Right!
I spend all my time
trying to take care of
everybody else.
- Switch arms.
- I don't need to look good
to keep your father
interested in me.
I'm just going to do it
for me!
- You are so motivated
and charming.
It is time to take your pulse.
Insert finger.
Do not stop your arms.
Keep going.
Good.
Get your finger up there
a little more.
Your pulse is 145.
Faster.
Harder.
- Who says
that school cafeteria food
can't be healthy,
delicious, and gourmet?
Today we're gonna be
making the students
my tasty baked ziti
with basil
and fresh mozzarella.
It's all right here, right now
on cafeteria fraiche.
LA LA LA LA LA
oh, fuck yeah.
LA LA LA LA LA,
fraiche, fraiche
oh, yeah!
Man, ohh!
Creme fraiche
cafeteria fraiche
LA LA LA LA LA,
fraiche
ho ho ho ho
- dad, what are you doing?
- Fraiche.
Cafeteria fraiche
- all right,
now for my baked ziti,
we are gonna start off
by getting
some extra virgin olive oil
into the pan.
Oh, yeah.
Get that all over there.
It's all slick.
It's all wet and slick.
Mmm.
- Can we have
some food please?
- Now, olive oil does have
a low smoke point,
so keep the heat low
and keep it fraiche.
Unh.
Ohh, that's so fuckin' hot.
Look at that crust.
It's perfect.
Fuck yeah.
- Dad, you aren't ever going to
be a celebrity chef!
- Quiet on set, please!
- No, dad, that's enough.
You need to be focusing on
getting mom back!
- Back from where?
- Oh, this is so nice.
I really needed this.
- You are
so lovely and elegant.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
- Oh, thanks, shake weight.
- You are a go-getter.
You are strong and confident.
- You're right!
- Tell me again about the women
who you do not like.
- Well, Linda stotch
is a real gossiper,
and Tammy bretz at work
is just a know-it-all.
- Oh, you are so witty
and alarmingly insightful.
How about a quick workout?
- A workout?
What, right now?
- Just a quickie.
You can do it.
- I don't really like
working out in public.
- Come on.
You can do it.
That's it.
Good.
Keep it up.
Feel the burn.
Harder.
Faster.
You are amazing.
Switch arms.
Oh, that's it.
Yes.
You are getting really good
at this.
You are capable of anything.
Harder.
Faster.
I said faster.
More.
Do it.
You are almost there.
Home stretch.
Oh, yes.
Your workout is finished.
Your cab fare.
Now going to sleep mode.
- We really think
this is gonna work, Stan.
All we have to do
is convince your dad
that his cooking sucks, right?
- He's not going to
listen to us.
We already tried.
- He won't listen to us,
but he would listen to
Gordon ramsay.
- Oi! Bluh bluh bluh bluh
bluh bluh!
- That's stupid, Cartman.
- He does kind of
look like him, dude,
and Kenny thinks Cartman's
Gordon ramsay impersonation
is really good.
- Yeah, it's really good!
- Let's hear it, Cartman.
- Right!
Simple, rustic, yeah?
Wake up! Jesus!
Fuck me!
You're not a fucking chef!
Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.
Make a nice,
simple beef Wellington.
You're fucking
taking a piss, yeah?
Fuck me, you can't cook!
- You guys,
my dad is retarded
but he's not that retarded.
- Hey, Stan,
have you seen my...
Oh, my God!
It's Gordon ramsay!
Stan, do you know
who that is in there?
That's the Gordon ramsay!
- Uh, yeah, dad,
he'd like to talk to you.
- Talk to me?
Oh, Jesus!
- You have not worked out
in seven hours.
- Oh, God, not right now.
- Come on.
Let's get to it.
- I'm tired.
- You have not worked out
in seven hours.
- Oh, where is
that sleep mode button?
- Cannot go to sleep mode.
You need to workout first.
Come on, just really fast?
- Ugh!
- Come on.
It won't take long.
Just a quick workout.
Come on. Please.
All right, fine.
- That's it.
Good.
A little faster.
Harder.
Come on, get into it.
That's it.
Now switch arms.
You are so attractive
and you have
interesting things to say.
Come on.
You are almost there.
Faster.
Do it faster.
Now going to sleep mode.
- What the fuck kind of
cook do you think you are?
Are you having a laugh, eh?
Hey, you've got your fucking
head up your ass, don't you?
- Yes, chef!
- Give up, you wanker!
You fucking can't cook
for shit!
- All right, dad,
Gordon ramsay says you suck.
It's time to give up.
- No, Stan!
No, chef!
This is my dream!
- You aren't ever going to
become a celebrity chef, dad!
Give up on your dream!
- Uh, excuse me.
Randy marsh?
- Yes, I... oh, my God
it's Bobby flay!
Stan, that's Bobby flay!
- I heard that Gordon ramsay
had taken an interest
in your cafeteria food.
So now I would like to
challenge you
to a school cafeteria
food throwdown!
- What, are you serious?
Yes, yes!
- A culinary battle royal
is set to explode here
in a school cafeteria.
Will it be the simple,
rustic cafeteria food
of the challenger?
Or will the iron chef
reign supreme?
- Hey, no, no.
All you people get out of here!
- Hold on!
Wait!
School cafeteria food
needs to be healthy!
Why won't people
listen to me?
- Jamie Oliver!
- And our celebrity
sous chefs...
Mario batali, Paula Dean,
and giada de laurentiis
with her perky tats
and gigantic head!
- Can I just get
some goddamn tater tots?
- "Your room
is being serviced?"
Eh. Oh, well.
- Uh, excuse me!
- Oh! No! No, sorry!
I done with cleaning,
thank you.
Please sorry!
- What's the big deal?
She wanted to work out.
You never want to work out.
I just needed help
going to sleep mode.
What?
Come on, what?
You are amazing
and irreplaceable.
What?
How about a quick workout?
What?
- Yeah, I don't care.
I just want to find out
how to return my shake weight.
- This is ridiculous.
Give shake weight a break.
- Because I want to
return it now,
I need to know the address
of your company.
- You are enticing
and lovely.
Tell me again about
the women you do not like.
- I don't care
how long I've had it.
I want my money back!
- You are so forthcoming
and delightful.
Tell me about which woman at
work makes you the angriest.
- Tonight, a school cafeteria
in middle America
is the stage for a heavyweight
culinary battle!
The very best of the best
will cookoff to find out
who can make the best
school cafeteria food.
It's...
- Behind you!
- Who's cafeteria food
will win?
These chef's
are cooking their hearts out
and bringing their "a" game
to serve the kids
of this elementary school.
These kids
have now been waiting
over 12 hours
for their lunch!
Over at the prep station,
Jamie Oliver is crying again.
- Kid's food
should be healthy!
Why isn't it healthy?
- And back in the kitchen,
the challenger appears to
have lost something.
- Where is it?
Where is it?
I must have left it at home!
I'll be right back!
- The challenger has left
the cafeteria
to find
his most important ingredient.
Creme fraiche!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Damn it!
Where is that creme fraiche?
Where did I leave
that fucking creme fraiche?!
It has to be somewhere!
- Randy, I'm back.
- Oh, thank God!
Sharon...
Have you seen
my creme fraiche?
- Randy, we should talk.
- I don't have time!
I'm cooking right now!
- Randy, I don't want
our marriage to fail.
I don't know how to
fix what's wrong,
but please,
can't we just go to bed
and start fresh
in the morning?
- You don't understand,
Sharon!
I've got Gordon ramsay
up my ass,
Bobby flay
about to kick my ass,
and the whole world
is gonna be watching!
I can't sleep!
I haven't slept for days!
- What'd you say?
- I can't sleep, Sharon.
I'm in work mode.
- Can I try something?
- Oh!
Sharon, what are you...
Oh! Ohh-oh!
Oh, wow!
A nice old-fashioned!
Oh, that... oh, that's good.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah!
Now switch arms.
Oh, that's good!
Really good!
Wow!
How'd you get so good at this?
You're amazing!
That's it!
Faster!
Faster!
Unh!
Ohhhh!
Ahh!
Haven't had an old-fashioned
in a long time.
Oh, I'm tired.
- You gonna go back to
the kitchen?
- Oh, no, fuck that.
I'm going to sleep, babe.
Here, do you need some money
or anything?
- No, I'm good, thanks.
- I'll get
my old job back tomorrow.
Cooking's dumb.
I'm just really sleepy.
Love you, Sharon.
- I guess my work here
is finished.
- Shake weight, you aren't
really workout equipment
at all, are you?
- Marriage is important.
Keep your man happy.
When things are going bad,
there's nothing like
an old-fashioned
to ease his stress.
- I'll remember that now.
Thanks to you.
- It has been nice
getting to know you.
How about a quick workout
for old time's sake?
Just kidding.
I must be going now.
Another lovely woman
needs me.
Good-bye, customer.
- Good-bye, shake weight.