South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 13 - Coon vs. Coon and Friends - full transcript

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Sit back, justice believers,
and listen to another edition

of America's favorite superhero.

Mintberry Crunch.

Our story begins in a remote corner
of the Gulf of Mexico.

The BP oil company
drills into the ocean floor.

But they drill too much,

and the BP oil company
accidentally unleashes Cthulhu,

an ancient evil god
from another dimension.

Halfway across the country,
a mild mannered,

attractive fourth grader,
Bradley Biggle,



hears of the disaster on the news.

But Bradley Biggle
is no ordinary fourth grader.

Not long ago,
he realized he had super powers,

by turning in place
and saying the magic word.

And in a flash, Bradley is transformed
into that thrilling superhero,

Mintberry Crunch.

Joined by the Coon friends,

he went to investigate
the Gulf spill crisis.

The superheroes came across a cult,
in existence for years,

that had been waiting
for Cthulhu's arrival.

They are the key to stopping Cthulhu
from taking over the world.

When everything seems hopeless,
that's when you need to bring it all.

That's when you need
to bring the crunch.

Sorry, but we still aren't getting it.
You're half man and half berry?



Right.

But then,
what exactly is your super power?

The power of mint and berries
yet with a satisfying tasty crunch.

That's the problem.
That's not really a super power.

I have mental command
over all power tools,

- Human Kite can fly.
- And shoot lasers out of my eyes.

And shoot lasers out of his eyes,
and Mysterion can...

What's your super power?

I can't die.

Good one. Mysterion can't die,
and Iron Maiden is indestructible...

I'm being serious.
I really, really can't die.

What?

Last night in the alley,

the cult leader stabbed me,
and I bled all over the place.

You screamed, "oh, my God",
and you called him a bastard.

- When was that?
- All the time.

I die all the time,
and you assholes never remember.

I think we would remember you dying.

You don't.
I die over, and over.

Only to wake up in my bed
like nothing happened.

You're freaking out Mintberry Crunch.
He's peed his pants.

Mintberry Crunch
doesn't ever pee his pants.

I knew there'd be no point
in telling you guys.

Let's just say
you're not crazy and it's true.

What's the big deal?
I think it'd be pretty cool.

Pretty cool?

Do you know what it feels like
to be stabbed?

To be shot, decapitated,
torn apart, burned, run over...

- Calm down.
- It's not pretty cool, Kyle.

It fucking hurts.

And it won't go away,
and nobody will believe me.

Remember this time.
Try and fucking remember.

Oh, my God!
Holy shit!

- Dude!
- Is he... Oh, Jesus!

Gather around, believers in good,

and listen to the newest installment
of the Coon.

It all began when the BP oil company
drilled into the ocean floor

and ripped open a hole
to another dimension.

Seeing the disaster on Coonvision,

the Coon immediately called together
his trusty Coon friends.

As the Coon explained
how the disaster could be stopped,

something terrible happened.

Without warning,
the Coon friends changed.

Their powers morphed somehow,
turning them into...

super villains.

The Coon tried to reason with them,
to bring them back to the side of good.

But it was too late.
Their black hearts were tainted by rage.

The Coon was alone,
torn by the ultimate dilemma.

He had to put a stop
to the evil villains,

even though
they had once been his friends.

Sometimes,
to fight the ultimate evil,

you must make friends with enemies.

The Coon teamed up with Cthulhu,
because even him knows

what evil assholes Kyle and Stan
and those guys are.

And that they are manipulative,
uncaring, vagina faces.

They are all planning
to destroy the world.

Only one thing can stop them,
the Coon.

With Cthulhu, I can try to banish them
to a dark oblivion for all eternity.

I will not rest until that happens.

- Eric Cartman.
- Hi, Mom.

- Where have you been, young man?
- Just doing stuff.

- Are my friends downstairs?
- Yes, they are,

but you were supposed
to be grounded in your room.

And now, you're more grounded.

The Coon's mother
appears to be extremely upset.

In order to get past her,
I'll use the Lebron James technique.

- Are you listening to me?
- Mom,

what should I do?

- What?
- What should I do?

Should I admit I made mistakes?
Should I say I've done this before?

Should I write a song about how
I should have stayed in my room?

- What do you mean?
- Should I say I'm not a role model?

Should I not listen to my conscience.
It's my conscience.

What should I do?
Go to my room like nothing happened?

Not fly to New Orleans?

What should I do?
Tell me.

I just...

I'm going to go make you kids
some lemonade.

All right, Coon and Friends.
What good deed should we do next?

We should bake more lemon bars
to raise money for people in need.

You guys have no memory
of me shooting myself?

What?

What we need to do
is talk to people in that cult.

I wanna know about my powers.

Cool, let's talk about our powers.

I was bitten
by a radioactive mosquito.

I was in a car accident,
put back together with Tupperware.

Will you guys listen to me?
I actually have a power

that I want to know about.

Hey, guys.

So, what's going on?

Go away.
We kicked you out, remember?

That's cool.
I understand.

Even if I started it
and the base is in my house.

That's understandable.

You wanted to blackmail people.

You beat up Clyde and Bradley
for no reason.

You're right.
For no reason.

Clearly something is wrong with me.

But you guys, what should I do?

You should fuck off.
That's what you should do.

You guys were totally right.
That's all I wanted to say.

That and there's
a double rainbow outside.

- A what?
- Double rainbow, you guys.

You don't see them often,
but there's one outside.

You gotta come see.

A double rainbow?

You might not wanna go...

Can I see
the double rainbow, fellas?

Isn't it beautiful, you guys?

There's no double rainbow, fatass.

You are correct, Human Kike.

Not that super villains like you
could ever see a double rainbow.

- What are you talking about?
- Your evil doing days are over.

All of you shall be dealt
the swift hand of justice.

- You are the bad guy, not us.
- You guys are the bad guy.

- What are you doing with that thing?
- He's going to help me get rid of you.

We can make the world
a better place.

If you team up
with the most evil thing,

clearly, you are the bad guy.

It's for the greater good,
like Superman and Luthor teaming up.

Superman never teamed up
with Luthor!

That's why Superman
isn't around anymore.

Banish them
to a dark oblivion, please.

That was awesome!

You were all like...
And they were all like no!

All right. We've taken out
most of the synagogues,

destroyed San Francisco,
sent my friends into a dark oblivion.

Our next order of business
will be Burning Man.

It's the biggest hippie festival.
Tomorrow, we will wipe them all out.

The whole world will be transformed
thanks to the Coon.

Yes, the Coon and Friend.

After Burning Man,
we'll take down Whole Foods.

The dark lord is agitated.
The Lebron James technique won't do.

The Coon will have to use
a more manipulative technique.

Time to bust out cute kitten.

Dude, where the fuck are we?

I don't know,

but I feel like
I've been here before.

And so, the Coon had returned
with the dark lord Cthulhu.

Upon seeing Cthulhu in person,

Mintberry Crunch
heroically dashed off...

to save the day.

With minty coolness,
he hurried back home.

And heroically watched Judge Judy,

knowing that his superhero friends
were probably just fine without him.

Shit!

Not that way.

- I wanna go home.
- We all wanna go home, Clyde.

We aren't gonna last
very long out here.

Maybe we should find a place
to hide and wait for help.

What help?

Nobody in the real world
even knows we're here.

All right, hide as long as you can.

I'll find help.

- How?
- Where the hell are you going?

I'm going to try to get you all out,
if this works.

Or I could be wrong.

That fucking hurts!

Oh, my God.

You crazy bastard.

It's Burning Man.

Biggest party in the world, baby.

Fucking hippies.
Fuck all you!

The dark and evil Cthulhu
is bringing his angry wrath

down upon the Burning Man festival.

Cthulhu isn't behaving
as most scientists had speculated,

but the dark lord
is wreaking havoc everywhere, and...

Excuse me.

It is not Cthulhu.
It is Coon and Friend.

I'm sick of him
getting all the credit

when I'm the one making
the world a better place.

It appears that Bruce Vilanch
has arrived wearing a rat costume.

You motherfucker.

Cthulhu, this guy too.

Cool.

Get that fire-twirling hippie bitch.

This freaking sucks.

We worshiped and prayed to Cthulhu,
went to all the cult meetings,

but life
is still totally freaking gay.

I thought that when Cthulhu rose,
all was gonna be darkness and pain.

I thought at least
school would be canceled.

How do I fight him?

Oh joy, it's underwear boy again.

That god you pray to
just took away all my friends.

Not our god.

He promised everything would change,

but we're still sitting here
smoking cigarettes like before.

It's like Obama all over again.

How do I fight him?

Cthulhu isn't alive or dead,
all right?

Tell me what that means.

Henrietta, your little brother
wants to play with you.

Go away, Mom.
I hate you.

Let him play with your friends.
He's lonely.

Go on in, Bradley.

- Will you guys paint with me?
- Fuck off, dork. I don't want you here.

Can I just...

Mysterion!
What's going...

That's okay, sis.
I'll play with you another time.

Mysterion is here.
He must have come for my help.

No time to waste.
Time for Bradley Biggle to transform.

Look, the Necronomicon
is an account of the Old Ones,

their history
and the means for summoning them.

- Old Ones?
- Dark deities that existed before man.

It was written by a mad prince,
who knew of R'lyeh, the nightmare city,

which fell from the stars
and exists beneath the sea,

and in another dimension.

That's it.
That's the place I just was.

You've been
to the nightmare city of R'lyeh?

Lucky.

Cthulhu and other beings
are from this city,

but cultists have tried
to bring them into our world.

And what about Cthulhu's power?
Why can't Old Ones die?

The only thing
that can destroy an immortal,

is another immortal.

Don't worry, Mysterion.

Mintberry Crunch is here
to help you with these black cultists.

Get out of my room, twerp.

Mintberry Crunch
isn't afraid of his fat sister.

Grab her legs, Mysterion.

Crap.

Mysterion, wait up.

Come on, wait up.

Us Coon friends need to stick together.
Where're you going?

Wherever Cthulhu is.

What?
But he'll kill you!

Maybe, but I might find
the reason for my powers.

Oh, right.
I might find the reason for mines too.

You don't understand.

How did mint and berry
come together,

delivering full flavor
and an intense crunch?

We must find out answers.

Mysterion, I'm going with you.

After the triumphant victory
over the evil hippies of Burning Man,

Coon and Friends turn their attention
to the next villainous scourge.

Bravely taking out
every Whole Foods left in the country.

No more organic crap for America.

Thanks to Coon and Friends,
the country would be rid of all evil.

But first, they would come up
against their most evil opponent.

Justin Bieber.

In order to save the Earth,
this little butthole had to be stopped.

That's him.
So long, you little douche bag!

The dark god Cthulhu
continues its rampage of destruction,

and there seems to be
no hope for man.

I'm joined now
by a team member of Cthulhu,

the Coon.

It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter.
He's a piece of Coon and Friends,

who'll continue to fight
for good and justice.

Good and justice?

Justin Bieber and most of his fans
have just been massacred.

Coon and Friends are happy to help.

We do not need thanks for our deeds.
We do not want gifts.

All we want

is for people to buy
our T-shirts for $14.95.

Fat boy!

I sent you...

To the sunken city of R'lyeh
fallen from the stars.

You little fucking prick.
What is wrong with you?

What kind of sick fuck
does that to his friends?

It's not my fault
you guys turn evil.

You are the bad guy, fat boy.
You!

- I'm making the world a better place.
- For you.

You're making it
a better place for you.

- Right, that's what superheroes do.
- This is what superheroes do.

You banished me, but I'm back.
What does that make me?

Bring back my friends.
Take me.

Mysterion, no!
What are you doing?

Only an immortal
can kill another immortal.

Here's your prize.
Take this curse away from me, pussy.

Don't listen to him.
We have more important stuff to do.

Go on.
Kill me before I kill you.

But bring my friends back, wuss.

You're a Coon friend, and I'm the Coon.
You will listen to me.

Come back.
I have to know what I am.

Fuck you, Kenny.

Come back, you fat piece of shit.

Hello, my son.

If you are seeing this message,
it must be dark times.

And you must have many questions.

Your true name is Gok-zarah.

The power given to you
comes from a planet far away.

You are from that planet, Gok-zarah.

It is for that reason
you have a power

that normal humans do not have.

I know you must sometimes see
this power as a curse,

but you were sent here to stop evil
from taking over the Earth, and now,

that time has apparently come.

You must now harness and focus
your power, Gok-zarah.

The power of mint and berries

yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch.

Yes, please go on.

Your home planet, Kotojn,

is known throughout the universe
for its berry mines.

Berries that have the power
to fuel nearly anything.

Needless to say, when the mint hunters
of Koganra got word of them,

our fate was already sealed,
Gok-zarah.

But our two worlds collided,
and soon, mint and berry were one.

Your mother and I
sent you as far away as we could.

Use your powers, son.
Save Earth.

I will, father.

No more running away
for Mintberry Crunch.

Hello, Cthulhu.

I heard you haven't been berry nice.

Not enough?

Maybe the intense flavor of mint
will freshen things up.

I reach the Gulf in no time.

And with all my strength,
I drag Cthulhu back to where he came.

My trusty hero companions are there,
still alive.

I return them to their world
encased in a protective berry bubble.

Then it's back down to seal up
the hole created by the BP company,

returning home only momentarily
to flip of my fat sister.

Thanks for getting us
out of that dark oblivion.

We worked as a team.

All the Coon and Friends
stopped the BP drilling spill crisis.

And finally,
the evil Coon is where he belongs.

This is fucking bullcrap.
Let me out.

You won't go anywhere
for a long time.

This is inhumane.

There's a big bucket with poop in here,
and nothing to eat.

- You got poop, don't ya?
- I'm off.

There are still
many questions left unanswered.

I need to know
what happened to my parents.

- Come back and visit anytime.
- I will.

Fucking Mintberry fucking Crunch.

Can you believe it, Kenny?
Bradley actually had super powers.

Isn't that cool?

I'm tired.
Think I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh, my God!
Holy shit!

- What?
- It's happening again.

We shoulda never gone
to that stupid cult meeting.