South Park (1997–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - HUMANCENTiPAD - full transcript

"HumancentiPad"

Oh my God, isn't it awesome
having an iPad you guys?

Hey Bebe-- where's your iPad?

Oh right, you're not cool enough.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, have you seen my iPad Token?

Funny, you don't seem to have one!

I thought your family was rich!

Ha ha.

You dumbasses have to play four

square cuz you don't have iPads!



Oh what should I do on my iPad next?

Think I'll email some of my friends.

Oh no, wait!

Maybe I'll download some more cool apps!

This is so awesome!

Tom Saltzman says you don't
really have an iPad.

What?

Tom Saltzman says you just

glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover

and you're faking it.

Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic

who drinks and drives!

Lemme see your iPad, Cartman.

Seriously you guys!



Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver

he's the one who ran
over Joey Potts' dog

because Joey Potts' doesn't know how to

take care of his animals

which is why he gets beat by is mom.

Just let us see your iPad, Cartman.

No because the battery's dead,
it just ran out of power!

So plug it in.

I left my charger at home.

Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad
and bring it tomorrow and you guys

are gonna feel really stupid!

Well good going mom,
you completly screwed me over!

What happened, Eric?

You said I had to

wait till my birthday to get an iPad.

So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces
today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's

Because I wanna at least look

pretty the next time
you decide to fuck me!

You see?

And then I can take all
my homework on my iPad,

and swipe it over to my iPhone!

Huh? Yeah, apple stuff is
pretty neat al-right...

I just don't want any big company

tracking where I am at all times.

Aw, that's just a rumor.

They don't really track you.

Here he is!

Hello Kyle, we're from Apple.

We"re all ready for you now.

What? Ready for what?

To fulfill the agreement.

Can we get a weight please?

83 pounds, sir.

What agreement?

83 pounds, good,
let's get the blood work.

Hey you can't do that!

You agreed we could take
all the blood we needed.

What are you talking about?

When you downloaded
the last iTunes update.

A window on your screen popped up

and asked if you agreed to

our terms and conditions
- you cliked 'agree'.

Alright let's get him to the water tank.

The water tank?

I'm not going with you!

You've agreed to all of this!

Hey!

You guys

you gotta help me!

These business casual g-men are trying

to kidnap me!

What?

It's crazy, dude!

They're saying it's because I agreed to the
lastest terms and conditions on iTunes!

Why?! What did the terms

and conditions for the last update say?

I don't know, I didn't read them!

You didn't read them?!

Who the hell reads that entire
thing every time it pops up?!

I do.

Me too.

You're telling me that

every time you guys download an

update for iTunes you read

the entire terms and conditions?

Of course.

Welll, how do you know if you

agree to something if you don't read it?

Well I turned off all my Apple stuff.

They can't locate you if you
don't have your stuff on, right?

There he is!

Hey you!

Ahhhh!

Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer!

Kyle? What are you doing here?

Dad, if you agree to something

but you didn't mean to

agree to it what do you do?!

Well, Kyle, it's always
the agreeing party's responsibility

to know what they are signing.

But it's like eight pages long

and they send me a new one like

every three weeks

how can they know if I--

calm down, Kyle. It's okay.

You're safe with daddy.

Here he is.

Ahhhhh!

Come on you!

Hey, what the heck is going on?

Your son has made a binding and legal

agreement with Apple, sir.

An agreement to do what?!

Apple's inner workings are
top secret to all users!

You know how it is.

No I don't know how it is!

I use a PC!

You what?

Come on let's go!

Hey now let him go!

Ahhhh!

Dad! You tasered my dad!

You said we could!

Okay, wifi plus

3g... 64 gig. This one, this one!

Oh sweetie, nine hundred dollars?

I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's

stupid face when he
sees my iPad has more

memory than his!

Eric, we can't afford that one.

Well you don't expect me to get the

wifi only, 16 gig version, do you?

I think we need to get you a different

brand, hon. They're a little cheaper.

Mom, everyone knows

that everything but Apple is stupid!

Here look at this one.
Toshiba Handibook.

The Toshiba Handibook?

This says it does

everything the iPad does

at half the price.

Mom, do not screw me over again!

If I take that thing to school

everyone is gonna think

I'm a poverty stricken asshole!

Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat.

You can either have
the Toshiba Handibook

or you can have nothing at all.

Oh, I've got a better idea!

Why don't you go across the street

and buy some condoms?

Because we should at least be safe

if you're gonna fuck me, mom!

Eric!

You might as well go buy
some cigarettes too

because I like to have a smoke

after I get good and fuck.

You wanna fuck me mom, just say so!

Go ahead, here!

Huh?

Go ahead mom, fuck me,

fuck me right here in the Best Buy

you wanna fuck your son so bad,
go on mom!

Fuck me, fuck me!

Stop crying, Eric.

I told you if you kept acting up

you weren't getting anything.

But I told you I was sorry.

You made me look like some sort of

child molester in front
of all those people!

I wasn't trying to get you in trouble!

Then why did you go outside
to a police officer

and say 'help, help, my mom
is trying to fuck me'?

Oh wait, I get it now.

The "f word" is a "no, no word"

and I shouldn't say it
around other people.

I'm sorry mama.

If you're really sorry then you'll

understand why you aren't

getting anything.

Wul, no, that doesn't really have any

logical sense, mommy,
because I'm already

being punished by not getting the iPad.

Mama--

please, can we just go back and get the

Toshiba Handibook?

No!

Welll, then could we at least

pull up here and get some dinner?

Cuz I liked to be wined and dined

after I've been fucked!

What are you gonna do to us?!

What is this?

What's going on?!

Y- you... you agreed to the iTunes

terms and conditions too?

What?

I just clicked 'agree'...
I didn't read it!

I was in a hurry, you see, and I -- I

didn't know what I was agreeing to!

I can't even read a engrish!

Hey shut up in there!

You all agreed to stay quiet!

Hey! Let me out of here!

This is a mistake,
I agreed by accident!

You can't 'agree by accident,

there's a fail safe built in!

Even if you click on 'agree",
another litte window

pops up that says 'are you sure agree?'

and you have to click on agree again.

What're you going to do to us?

Everything that you agreed to

in the iTunes conditions!

We didn't read them!

Huh! Right.

Who just 'agrees' to
something they don't read?

And now, the president
of Apple: Steve jobs!

Hello everyone!

I'm here to announce a new product

that will once again
revolutionize the way

we use our phones and tablet devices.

Let's hear it for our volunteers!

These three people have agreed to

be brought here,
handcuffed to these beds

and become the prototype of our

first truly interfaced device!

The first what?

They have actually agreed to be
surgically altered.

Their lips will be removed

and they will be sown together,

mouth to anus.

What?!

You agreed to this -- mouth to anus,

so that the feces from

the gastral track from one will

enter the mouth of the little

boy -- and he agreed this was okay -

enter the mouth of the little boy,

leading through his anus to the mouth

of the female-- who completely agreed,

they all agreed-- which will

then go to a tablet device making a

product that is part human and

part centipede and part web brower

and part emailing device!

I give you... the Humancentipad!

Oh!
I should have never uptaded a iTunes!

You agree that Apple may
charge your credit card

or PayPal account for any products

purchased in the iTunes store...

Can somebody please explain
me what is going on?

We're trying to find out exactly
what Kyle agreed to.

There can't be

anything in that agreement that

allows a company to do what

their talking about to Kyle!

Oh, nope. Here it is, right here.

By clicking agree you are also

acknowledging that Apple may sew

your mouth to the butthole of

another iTunes user.

Oh boy.

Apple and its subsidiaries may also,

if necessary sew yet another

persons mouth onto your

butthole, making you a being

that shares one gastral track.

Hmmm... I'm going to click on--

de-cline.

Well that does it!
I'm going to the police.

For what?

To find out where

Apple is keeping my son!

Dude! When the police want to know where
somebody is, they ask Apple!

The only way we can fix all this

is by going to the highest authority

on the planet.

You guys--

we'll have to ask help from--

the Geniuses.

The Geniuses--

The Geniuses--

Alright. Good.

Looks good, guys, great work.

Enough, enough already.

Really nice, guys.

I remember when the first
version of the iPad came out.

People couldn't believe how easy

it was to take their
videos, music and photos

and all their other
shit and share it with

other people who took their shit.

The only thing the iPad couldn't do
was walk or read.

Until now.

What was that?

What is that you're saying?

You want out,
are you saying you want out?

Fine you don't want to be part

of this thin sign right here.

No, you didn't read it!

This says we don't ever
have to let you out

and can do whatever we want.

Dammit, why won't it read.

It's probably low on power,
we should feed it.

Alright, here we go, come on.

No, I will not eat.

If they're forced to eat I might poo --

perhaps I didn't mention

it's a bean and cheese
burrito from pacos.

Sorry Kyle, I tried to resist
but burrito is too delicious.

We have to unveil this thing tomorrow.

It better be reading by then.

Oh, no--

feel sick.

Oh-oh-- oh--

today on "doctor Phil"

the tragic story of a little boy

whose mother constantly
tries to fuck him

I want you to raid Eric
Cartman who is a special boy

with a very hard life.

Eric, you say that--
you're mom fucks you?

Yes, she fucked me so hard

does this happen often, does she--

does she fucked you a lot?

Dude, Filipino hookers don't
get fucked the way I do.

I know this is difficult for for you to
talk about.

But, where was the last time your
mother fucked you?

At Best Buy.

Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?

Huh-uh.

And people saw her doing this?

Yes.

And they didn't do anything?

No.

Eric, stop it.

Oh there she is,
there is my mom right now.

Boo!

Boo!

Eric, you come home right now!

Boo!

Ma'am, why do you think it's okay
to fuck your son?

I don't.

She does that all the time

she fuck my on Christmas,
she fuck me on my birthday.

Ohh!

You know mom the least you can do
is kiss me first.

Cause I like to be kissed
before I get fucked

you fuck your son and you won't
even want give him a kiss.

Boo!

If I was going to fuck my son,
I would kiss him first.

Well Eric, we have a very special gift
we want to give you.

An iPad?

Sheryl Broflovski.

Okay.

The Geniuses will see us now.

Now remember when you speak
to the Geniuses keep your
questions short and to the point.

The Geniuses don't like those
who waste their time.

Hi, my name is Leslie,
I'll be your Genius.

Genius Leslie we have a problem
and we seek your wisdom.

What problems are you experiencing.

My son was kidnapped by Apple and they're
holding him against his will.

Okay, well I'm sorry having
troubles with that today.

Could I have his Apple id?

okay.

Oh, what do act with this one?

Okay, I see. Hum.

I might need to bring
another Genius in on this.

Huh-uh.

This guy's son was abducted by us.

Should I run a stock check or just
give him store credit?

No, I don't want store credit

I want my son back.

Okay this says he agreed to

be taken and being part of an experiment
that Apple wants to perform.

Yeah but it's all a mistake.

He actually didn't read the agreement.

He didn't read it?

We know it's preposterous.

Huh!

So, just give them store credit?

I want out of here!

So, sorry, Kyle.

But I am starving.

Which would you rather I eat?

Should I eat a cuddle fish and asparagus
or the vanilla paste.

Cuddle fish and asparagus?

Very well I will eat the cuddle fish.

Go, go, come on guys, come on, go.

Don't worry we're here to help you.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Come on, hurry.

We have a ambulance waiting outside.

Just try to stay calm.

We have gonna to try to get you
separated right away.

Guys please hurry, that cuddle fish and
asparagus is not sitting well.

We got it, we got it. Doctor,
can you please take this thing apart?

If I'm going to perform surgery,
I need permission.

Sign this release so we can operate.

No, dammit! He didn't read it!

End simulation, end that simulation.

What is wrong with you people, why can't
you get the human set the iPad to read?

We're sorry sir, we really thought

we give it to read this time.

Oh, no cuddle fish is about to
to come out of my asshole.

Here it comes, oh it's going
to be a rage.

Hold on, Kyle.

I believe in you.

Yep--

And then you should be able to do a
customer check, uh huh--

Okay, that should do it.

Sorry, Apple
kidnapped your friend guys.

But I believe we have it all cleared up.

You do?!

Yup, we got you a replacement friend.
You should be all good to go.

Hi guys.

No-- we don't want a replacement friend!
We want our friend!

We're gonna have to bring more
Geniuses in on this.

Yeah I think we should have a
quickening with all the Geniuses--

I'll summon the counsel.

Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec
we're gonna have a quickening

with the counsel of Geniuses.

See what we can do for you.

Kwaaaaaaaa!

Kwaaaaaa!

Do you know if your friend has a verizon
or at&t mobile number associated

with his.me account?

I think verizon.

Okay.

Kwaaaaaaaa!

Kwaaaaaa!

Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac
Apple users,

the unveiling of the
first Humancentipad.

As part of a clear PR stunt,
Apple has joined up with Best Buy

and Dr. Phil to donate
the first Centipad

to a needy boy who was
raped by his mother.

In all my years, I've never heard a more
tragic story than that of Eric Cartman.

And I want to thank the Apple
company for helping us make

today a very special day for him.

And it's president of Best Buy, Eric.
I want to assure you that

a child will never get fucked in one
of our stores again.

When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple
with Eric's story

we knew we had to get on board.

And so, Eric, here is your very own--
Humancentipad!

Woah! Cool!

Oh wow, no way!

It does email and web browsing
and it shit in Kyle's mouth?!

This is the greatest thing that has
ever been invented!

Yes but, can it read?

Don't worry, it took a while but
I'm pretty sure

it has finally learned to read.

Hasn't it?

Yes... yes, I promise
I'll read.

What the hell are they doing now?

The Genius are just performing the
toran ra, it's future stuff.

Alright that's it!

I've had about enough with iCrap
and me clouds

and a counsel of Geniuses without
their future!

It's ok, sir,

the toran ra has revealed the
answer to your problem.

We can retroactively make your son's
agreement invalid.

Ok! Finally!

How do we do that?

It's very easy.

You'll simply need to join Apple.

No! I don't want to join Apple,
I like my PC.

But if you join we can make your
son's account into a family account

and then you have to iapprove
all his agreements.

Come on, it's not that
dig a deal.

Will you just stop resisting and
join the rest of us in the future?

Ugh...

Alright, fine.

I'll sign up with Apple!

Calafee!

Gerald Broflovski.

Do you agree to let Apple
track your location at all times?

I agree.

Do you agree to give Apple acces
to all your personal information

including but not limited to your favorite
movies, songs and books.

I agree.

Do you agree to care about your
membership and prove

that you care buy purchasing
Apple care?

Dude, Humancentipad is awesome!

Sir, sir we have a problem!

What?! What do you mean
we have to take it apart?!

The boy's agreement isn't valid?!

Sorry, we have to recall this.

What?! Hey that's mine!

I don't care what the Geniuses say!
Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here!

We are all trying to create the future!

I'm part of the future now too.

I have sat with the counsel of Geniuses.

Performed the toran ra and
and I've even been to me.

Mr. jobs, you have done so much
for the world.

You have helped connect everyone
to each other.

Clearly this is the future.

But-- but can't we just slow down
and enjoy the present, a little longer?

You know something--
I agree.

Awwwwww!

Come on, we'll get you
separated little boy.

Guess you won't be eating
Japanese food for a while, huh?!

Ha, ha...

Hey, hey what is this
some kind of sick prank?!

I get the greatest thing ever just
to have it taken away?!

Why did you do this to me God?

Next time you're gonna get
get my hopes up,

could you please take me
to a grease monkey?

Cause I like to get lubed up
before I get fucked. Huh?!

Some lube would be nice!

Or at least a courtesy lick, God.

How about a little courtesy lick
the next time you decide to fuck me?