South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - Eek, a Penis! - full transcript
Cartman is commended for his excellent substitute teaching, so he his brought to the inner city to help the high schoolers. Meanwhile, Ms. Garrison wants to be Mr. Garrison again.
I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
It's like my whole life has just been
one big screw-up, you know?
I admit it, I was sexually lost.
And then I see this person on Oprah.
She's a woman, but then she got
a sex change and became a man,
but then she got pregnant
and is having a baby,
which means
she was still a woman all along.
That means I'm really still a man.
I still feel like a man.
Are we gonna get tested on this?
This sex change was
a big mistake, okay?
I was on a lot of painkillers at the time,
and I thought it was what I wanted.
Dude, you wanna do
some math problems?
And then I go to the doctor, right?
And I say, "Doctor, I want to go back
to being a man," and he says,
"Well, there's been too much damage,
you can't go back.
"Where are you going to find a penis?"
What do you mean,
where am I gonna find a penis?
I'm a man!
I deserve a goddamn penis!
Mr... Mr. Garrison!
Could we speak with you, please?
- What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
- We think it's best you not teach
until you get your personal life
in order, m'kay?
It's so easy for you, Mackey,
you have a penis!
Okay, students,
obviously we've had a little emergency
with your teacher,
so while we deal with this,
we need one of you to lead the class
and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Me, me, me. Me, me, me. Me.
Right here. Right here. Right here.
Who else would like to be teacher
for the day? Anybody else?
Principal Victoria, over here.
Any other volunteers, perhaps?
Principal Victoria. Principal.
All right, all right, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.
Yes!
Now just lead a review over whatever
Mr. Garrison's been teaching you
and I'll be back to check on you shortly.
Well, well, well.
Who's teacher now?
Yeah. Who's teacher?
- You're not the teacher, fat ass.
- That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle.
And you will be wise
not to interrupt my class
unless you want to be suspended!
Yeah.
Yeah. You like that?
All right, Clyde, you're first, get up here.
Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
And so it appears
that the local farmers' market
could be soon facing complete closure.
In other news tonight, a South Park
bio company is coming under fire
for genetically engineering body parts
onto laboratory mice.
This picture of a mouse
genetically altered to grow a human ear
has already sparked waves of protest.
What?
But the scientists say the process
could help thousands of people
who've become disfigured
and need ears or noses.
Holy freaking Jesus.
Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,
we can graft almost any body part
onto a mouse and allow it to develop.
Here's the mouse you saw on television.
Once the ear fully forms,
it can be transplanted onto a person.
Doctor, what about a penis?
Well, a penis is something
a man puts into a woman's vagina.
No, no.
If I gave you some of my DNA, could
you grow a penis on a mouse for me?
You don't understand.
Doing this stuff is very expensive,
and we've never tried a penis before.
There's no guarantee it would work.
I will give you all the money I have
to just try. Please.
Doctor, I'm a man
trapped in a woman's body.
- I need a penis.
- All right.
All right, let's see what we can do.
Eric, we've called you in to commend
you for your role as student teacher.
Don't commend me, it's the
students' fault for being so stupid.
Commend means you've done
a great job, Eric, m'kay.
After leading your class through review,
your schoolmates scored higher
than they ever have on their tests.
Whatever you did
really worked on them.
Well, thank you.
I believe strict discipline,
along with compassion for my students,
is catamite to their learning.
These gentlemen from
the Denver County School Board
have something they want to ask you.
Young man, word of your success
as a student teacher
has started the whole board thinking.
We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner-city school classes.
These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers,
and since you handled
your class so well,
how'd you like to give it a shot?
That sounds like a chance
to really make an impact
on some students who need it most.
How much will you pay me?
300 bucks.
Did you hear what I said, you guys?
My awesome teaching skills
is gonna earn me 300 bucks.
You're not an awesome teacher.
Whatever, the whole class
scored super-high on the tests.
The only reason we scored high was
because we took the answers
out of Garrison's desk, and you know it.
Yes, but whose idea was it to take
the answers out of Garrison's desk?
- Kenny's.
- Oh, yeah.
But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those
underprivileged, inner-city students
and really turn their lives around.
Do you know what those kids
are going to do to you?
A little middle-class white boy
telling them what to do?
They are going to fucking murder you.
Maybe he's right.
I better be careful how I look.
Students, quiet. Quiet, please.
Give me your attention.
I'll give you my attention
all night long, Mrs. Miller.
You're on thin ice, Rodriguez.
Now listen up.
The Denver County School Board
has sent over a special guest teacher.
This may be your last shot
at graduating from high school at all.
I want you to welcome Eric Cartmanez.
Hello, students.
I am Eric Cartmanez, your new teacher.
- What the hell is this?
- I am here to teach you calculus.
I think you're going to be very pleased
with the progress, Miss Garrison.
- Mr. Garrison.
- Sorry, Mr. Garrison.
Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.
And so here's your penis.
Wow, my penis looks great.
Yes, it's a fantastic penis.
Congratulations.
How long before it's ready?
Well, it still has some forming to do,
but fairly soon.
Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
- No. Don't open the...
- Oh, no.
Don't let it get out of the lab.
My penis.
Stop, penis. Come back here.
Okay, everyone take a syllabus
and pass it to the amigo behind you.
Hey, man,
what the hell do you think you're doing?
Yeah.
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure
you all get into college.
Getting into college? Man, we ain't
getting in no college. Fuck you.
- Yeah, man. That's right.
- Yeah, man. That's right.
- What is this, anyway?
- Man, this is crap.
How do I reach these kids?
The reason that you think
you can't get into college
is because you haven't been taught
how to cheat properly.
How do you think white people
always get ahead?
Because we cheat all the time...
I mean, because they cheat all the time.
This is Bill Belichick.
Coach of the New England Patriots.
He's won three Super Bowls. How?
He cheated.
He even got caught cheating,
and nobody cared.
Bill Belichick proved that in America
it's okay to cheat,
as long as you cheat your way
to the top.
Hey, I don't want to be called a cheater.
No, no, if you cheat and fail,
you're a cheater.
If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy.
This is bullshit. I don't want to waste
my time learning to cheat.
Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss you.
How do I reach these kids?
Boys. Boys, have you seen my penis?
- What?
- My penis is on the loose.
If you see it,
just try to catch it with some cheese.
That hurt my brains.
Nice form, compadre.
Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher.
Look, I don't want to argue with you
about the merits of cheating.
Who wants to argue
on a nice day like this?
How about a little pickup game?
Hey, Caetano.
Can you keep score for us?
Sure thing, Mr. C.
Okay, you start on defence, amigo.
That's one to nothing, amigo.
- You cheated.
- What's the score, ese?
Okay, let's go. Your turn.
- That's two to nothing, amigo.
- Fuck you, man. You can't do that.
Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
No matter how many times
you say I cheated,
the scoreboard says two-nothing.
I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
Two to nothing, ese. Two to nothing.
How do I reach these kids?
What is that?
Stephen. Stephen, come quick.
- What is it, dear?
- A penis is loose in our kitchen.
- A penis?
- Yes, it just ran across the floor.
Now, darling, calm down.
Calm down, nothing, I don't want
that penis running through my house.
Women, always afraid of penises.
- There. There, you see it?
- It's just a little penis, darling.
I don't care.
It's probably got all kinds of diseases.
Hey, wait. I think that's Teacher's penis.
- Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his.
Butters, how do you know
what your teacher's penis looks like?
Today we will discuss
one of the fundamental ways to cheat,
getting material ahead of time.
When Bill Belichick cheated
for the Patriots, what did he do?
He videotaped
the opposing team's defence.
Think of the defence as your test.
When taking a test you must
also videotape the defence.
Learn what's on the test before they
give it to you, and that way you can...
I thought that,
well, maybe I can give cheating a try.
Have a seat, amigo.
Good to have you back.
All right. Now,
when Bill Belichick got caught
with his camera, he did not panic.
He simply said what every good
white cheater says when caught.
"I misinterpreted the rules."
It's what you must also say
when caught cheating.
"I misinterpreted the rules."
Say it with me,
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
Good. Again.
- I misinterpreted the rules. Again.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
Now you sound like white people.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?
Why didn't you call me?
Look, Garrison, my wife didn't want
a penis in the house. I had to get it out.
Well, now how am I supposed to find it?
It could be anywhere.
Holy crap.
- Carol, get down from there.
- No.
Didn't you see that penis just now?
I'm sure that penis is way more
scared of you than you are of it.
You saw a penis?
It's so big and disgusting.
Come back here, penis.
There you are. Got you.
Hey. You're not my penis.
There it goes. Stop, you.
The answer to number 27 is 5.
- The answer to number 27 is 5.
- The answer to number 27 is 5.
The answer to number 28 is 14.
- The answer to number 28 is 14.
- The answer to number 28 is 14.
Man, what's the point?
What's the point of any of this?
All right, everyone review
the section on sportscasters
forgiving the Patriots for cheating
and saying it was no big deal,
I'll be right back.
Malita. Malita, hold on.
You can't quit now.
Come on, what's wrong with you?
There isn't any point to all this.
I won't be going to college.
I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out,
and Eduardo isn't going
to help me raise it.
How do I reach these kids?
All right, let's go get you an abortion.
No, I'm Catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
Abortion isn't wrong. What's the
one thing I've been teaching you?
- That cheating is good?
- Yes!
And abortion is
the ultimate form of cheating.
You're cheating nature itself.
Why do rich, white girls
get ahead in life?
Because they get abortions
when they're young.
They get pregnant,
but they still want to go to college
so whatever, they just cheat.
They cheat that little critter in their belly
right out of a chance at life.
- I don't know, Mr. C.
- Mexicans are told not to cheat.
"Don't cheat, you got pregnant,
you have to raise the child."
So then you have to raise a child
while the white girls get to go to college
and probably have
a bunch more abortions.
It is at our most challenging times
that we must cheat our very hardest.
And the last time you saw your penis
was two days ago?
- That's right.
- Long whiskers or short?
Short. And little fluffy ears.
- Fluffy ears, okay.
- Think you got it, Mitch?
I think so, sir. Is this pretty close?
No, no. Not like that. That's just silly.
Sir, we might want to get a unit down
to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
- What is it?
- Call just came through.
Seems a penis broke in
and tried to eat their cheese.
Well, come on!
- What's the matter?
- A penis.
- A penis? Where?
- There it is.
- A penis.
- A penis.
- Where is it?
- Look, there.
Come on.
What's that penis doing in my kitchen?
Hey. Don't you dare kill my penis.
Crap. We gotta go back around.
Someone, somewhere
is loving me tonight
Looking at the same moon
and seeing it so bright
Someone, somewhere
is feeling my despair
Feeling your despair
And this same moon
is making them think...
There it is.
No. No. No. No.
- There's not a chance now.
- No. We can find it.
Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.
I'm afraid there's nothing more
we can do.
You'll just have to live
with being a woman.
A very ugly one. Come on, men.
Students, I want to congratulate you
on your amazing test scores.
The school board is so impressed
with your progress
that they are going to let you take the
standardised advanced placement test
- For college credit.
- All right!
The test is going to be
heavily monitored
in a private room at their location,
to assure that there can be
absolutely no cheating.
- What?
- The test will be tomorrow.
Make us proud.
Monitor us in a private room?
Now they're gonna know
we've been cheating all along.
I knew it, man. You made us believe
in your way, and now it's all for nothing.
It's not for nothing.
If you're good enough,
you can cheat right in front of them.
Shut up, man!
You royally screwed us all!
How do I reach these kids?
Just before the last Super Bowl,
Bill Belichick gathered
his football players and said,
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time, let's not cheat."
You know what happened? They lost.
Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,
you cannot give up on cheating,
or else you can lose
the biggest game of your lives.
Yeah, come on. We can do this, guys.
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
We will begin by reviewing
how to print out cheat sheets
as labels for your bottled water.
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
Get your hopes up
with a stupid genetic experiment
and now all your money's gone
along with your penis.
Well, what the...
Why, it's my penis.
My penis came back. But why?
I guess it's true. What's that old saying?
"If you love your penis, let it go."
The standardised
advanced placement test
is considered one of the most difficult
and carefully monitored tests
in the country.
24 of our students
took the test and all 24 scored 100%.
- Can we say something?
- Sure.
We would like to present this plaque
to the person who taught us the
white people method, Mr. Cartmanez.
I reached these kids.
Students and faculty,
please put your hands together
and help me
in welcoming back Mr. Garrison.
Thanks, everyone. It's great to be back.
I'm a man again,
thanks to my very special new friend.
But, you know, I've learned
that I've really been a dude all along,
because the key difference
between men and women
is that women can have babies.
If you can't have babies,
then you're a man.
Wait. Hang on a second.
My wife had ovarian cancer,
so she can't have babies.
Well, then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
'cause your wife's a dude, faggot.
Yeah, I'm back.
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
It's like my whole life has just been
one big screw-up, you know?
I admit it, I was sexually lost.
And then I see this person on Oprah.
She's a woman, but then she got
a sex change and became a man,
but then she got pregnant
and is having a baby,
which means
she was still a woman all along.
That means I'm really still a man.
I still feel like a man.
Are we gonna get tested on this?
This sex change was
a big mistake, okay?
I was on a lot of painkillers at the time,
and I thought it was what I wanted.
Dude, you wanna do
some math problems?
And then I go to the doctor, right?
And I say, "Doctor, I want to go back
to being a man," and he says,
"Well, there's been too much damage,
you can't go back.
"Where are you going to find a penis?"
What do you mean,
where am I gonna find a penis?
I'm a man!
I deserve a goddamn penis!
Mr... Mr. Garrison!
Could we speak with you, please?
- What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
- We think it's best you not teach
until you get your personal life
in order, m'kay?
It's so easy for you, Mackey,
you have a penis!
Okay, students,
obviously we've had a little emergency
with your teacher,
so while we deal with this,
we need one of you to lead the class
and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Me, me, me. Me, me, me. Me.
Right here. Right here. Right here.
Who else would like to be teacher
for the day? Anybody else?
Principal Victoria, over here.
Any other volunteers, perhaps?
Principal Victoria. Principal.
All right, all right, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.
Yes!
Now just lead a review over whatever
Mr. Garrison's been teaching you
and I'll be back to check on you shortly.
Well, well, well.
Who's teacher now?
Yeah. Who's teacher?
- You're not the teacher, fat ass.
- That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle.
And you will be wise
not to interrupt my class
unless you want to be suspended!
Yeah.
Yeah. You like that?
All right, Clyde, you're first, get up here.
Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
And so it appears
that the local farmers' market
could be soon facing complete closure.
In other news tonight, a South Park
bio company is coming under fire
for genetically engineering body parts
onto laboratory mice.
This picture of a mouse
genetically altered to grow a human ear
has already sparked waves of protest.
What?
But the scientists say the process
could help thousands of people
who've become disfigured
and need ears or noses.
Holy freaking Jesus.
Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,
we can graft almost any body part
onto a mouse and allow it to develop.
Here's the mouse you saw on television.
Once the ear fully forms,
it can be transplanted onto a person.
Doctor, what about a penis?
Well, a penis is something
a man puts into a woman's vagina.
No, no.
If I gave you some of my DNA, could
you grow a penis on a mouse for me?
You don't understand.
Doing this stuff is very expensive,
and we've never tried a penis before.
There's no guarantee it would work.
I will give you all the money I have
to just try. Please.
Doctor, I'm a man
trapped in a woman's body.
- I need a penis.
- All right.
All right, let's see what we can do.
Eric, we've called you in to commend
you for your role as student teacher.
Don't commend me, it's the
students' fault for being so stupid.
Commend means you've done
a great job, Eric, m'kay.
After leading your class through review,
your schoolmates scored higher
than they ever have on their tests.
Whatever you did
really worked on them.
Well, thank you.
I believe strict discipline,
along with compassion for my students,
is catamite to their learning.
These gentlemen from
the Denver County School Board
have something they want to ask you.
Young man, word of your success
as a student teacher
has started the whole board thinking.
We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner-city school classes.
These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers,
and since you handled
your class so well,
how'd you like to give it a shot?
That sounds like a chance
to really make an impact
on some students who need it most.
How much will you pay me?
300 bucks.
Did you hear what I said, you guys?
My awesome teaching skills
is gonna earn me 300 bucks.
You're not an awesome teacher.
Whatever, the whole class
scored super-high on the tests.
The only reason we scored high was
because we took the answers
out of Garrison's desk, and you know it.
Yes, but whose idea was it to take
the answers out of Garrison's desk?
- Kenny's.
- Oh, yeah.
But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those
underprivileged, inner-city students
and really turn their lives around.
Do you know what those kids
are going to do to you?
A little middle-class white boy
telling them what to do?
They are going to fucking murder you.
Maybe he's right.
I better be careful how I look.
Students, quiet. Quiet, please.
Give me your attention.
I'll give you my attention
all night long, Mrs. Miller.
You're on thin ice, Rodriguez.
Now listen up.
The Denver County School Board
has sent over a special guest teacher.
This may be your last shot
at graduating from high school at all.
I want you to welcome Eric Cartmanez.
Hello, students.
I am Eric Cartmanez, your new teacher.
- What the hell is this?
- I am here to teach you calculus.
I think you're going to be very pleased
with the progress, Miss Garrison.
- Mr. Garrison.
- Sorry, Mr. Garrison.
Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.
And so here's your penis.
Wow, my penis looks great.
Yes, it's a fantastic penis.
Congratulations.
How long before it's ready?
Well, it still has some forming to do,
but fairly soon.
Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
- No. Don't open the...
- Oh, no.
Don't let it get out of the lab.
My penis.
Stop, penis. Come back here.
Okay, everyone take a syllabus
and pass it to the amigo behind you.
Hey, man,
what the hell do you think you're doing?
Yeah.
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure
you all get into college.
Getting into college? Man, we ain't
getting in no college. Fuck you.
- Yeah, man. That's right.
- Yeah, man. That's right.
- What is this, anyway?
- Man, this is crap.
How do I reach these kids?
The reason that you think
you can't get into college
is because you haven't been taught
how to cheat properly.
How do you think white people
always get ahead?
Because we cheat all the time...
I mean, because they cheat all the time.
This is Bill Belichick.
Coach of the New England Patriots.
He's won three Super Bowls. How?
He cheated.
He even got caught cheating,
and nobody cared.
Bill Belichick proved that in America
it's okay to cheat,
as long as you cheat your way
to the top.
Hey, I don't want to be called a cheater.
No, no, if you cheat and fail,
you're a cheater.
If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy.
This is bullshit. I don't want to waste
my time learning to cheat.
Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss you.
How do I reach these kids?
Boys. Boys, have you seen my penis?
- What?
- My penis is on the loose.
If you see it,
just try to catch it with some cheese.
That hurt my brains.
Nice form, compadre.
Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher.
Look, I don't want to argue with you
about the merits of cheating.
Who wants to argue
on a nice day like this?
How about a little pickup game?
Hey, Caetano.
Can you keep score for us?
Sure thing, Mr. C.
Okay, you start on defence, amigo.
That's one to nothing, amigo.
- You cheated.
- What's the score, ese?
Okay, let's go. Your turn.
- That's two to nothing, amigo.
- Fuck you, man. You can't do that.
Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
No matter how many times
you say I cheated,
the scoreboard says two-nothing.
I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
Two to nothing, ese. Two to nothing.
How do I reach these kids?
What is that?
Stephen. Stephen, come quick.
- What is it, dear?
- A penis is loose in our kitchen.
- A penis?
- Yes, it just ran across the floor.
Now, darling, calm down.
Calm down, nothing, I don't want
that penis running through my house.
Women, always afraid of penises.
- There. There, you see it?
- It's just a little penis, darling.
I don't care.
It's probably got all kinds of diseases.
Hey, wait. I think that's Teacher's penis.
- Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his.
Butters, how do you know
what your teacher's penis looks like?
Today we will discuss
one of the fundamental ways to cheat,
getting material ahead of time.
When Bill Belichick cheated
for the Patriots, what did he do?
He videotaped
the opposing team's defence.
Think of the defence as your test.
When taking a test you must
also videotape the defence.
Learn what's on the test before they
give it to you, and that way you can...
I thought that,
well, maybe I can give cheating a try.
Have a seat, amigo.
Good to have you back.
All right. Now,
when Bill Belichick got caught
with his camera, he did not panic.
He simply said what every good
white cheater says when caught.
"I misinterpreted the rules."
It's what you must also say
when caught cheating.
"I misinterpreted the rules."
Say it with me,
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
Good. Again.
- I misinterpreted the rules. Again.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
Now you sound like white people.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
- I misinterpreted the rules.
What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?
Why didn't you call me?
Look, Garrison, my wife didn't want
a penis in the house. I had to get it out.
Well, now how am I supposed to find it?
It could be anywhere.
Holy crap.
- Carol, get down from there.
- No.
Didn't you see that penis just now?
I'm sure that penis is way more
scared of you than you are of it.
You saw a penis?
It's so big and disgusting.
Come back here, penis.
There you are. Got you.
Hey. You're not my penis.
There it goes. Stop, you.
The answer to number 27 is 5.
- The answer to number 27 is 5.
- The answer to number 27 is 5.
The answer to number 28 is 14.
- The answer to number 28 is 14.
- The answer to number 28 is 14.
Man, what's the point?
What's the point of any of this?
All right, everyone review
the section on sportscasters
forgiving the Patriots for cheating
and saying it was no big deal,
I'll be right back.
Malita. Malita, hold on.
You can't quit now.
Come on, what's wrong with you?
There isn't any point to all this.
I won't be going to college.
I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out,
and Eduardo isn't going
to help me raise it.
How do I reach these kids?
All right, let's go get you an abortion.
No, I'm Catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
Abortion isn't wrong. What's the
one thing I've been teaching you?
- That cheating is good?
- Yes!
And abortion is
the ultimate form of cheating.
You're cheating nature itself.
Why do rich, white girls
get ahead in life?
Because they get abortions
when they're young.
They get pregnant,
but they still want to go to college
so whatever, they just cheat.
They cheat that little critter in their belly
right out of a chance at life.
- I don't know, Mr. C.
- Mexicans are told not to cheat.
"Don't cheat, you got pregnant,
you have to raise the child."
So then you have to raise a child
while the white girls get to go to college
and probably have
a bunch more abortions.
It is at our most challenging times
that we must cheat our very hardest.
And the last time you saw your penis
was two days ago?
- That's right.
- Long whiskers or short?
Short. And little fluffy ears.
- Fluffy ears, okay.
- Think you got it, Mitch?
I think so, sir. Is this pretty close?
No, no. Not like that. That's just silly.
Sir, we might want to get a unit down
to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
- What is it?
- Call just came through.
Seems a penis broke in
and tried to eat their cheese.
Well, come on!
- What's the matter?
- A penis.
- A penis? Where?
- There it is.
- A penis.
- A penis.
- Where is it?
- Look, there.
Come on.
What's that penis doing in my kitchen?
Hey. Don't you dare kill my penis.
Crap. We gotta go back around.
Someone, somewhere
is loving me tonight
Looking at the same moon
and seeing it so bright
Someone, somewhere
is feeling my despair
Feeling your despair
And this same moon
is making them think...
There it is.
No. No. No. No.
- There's not a chance now.
- No. We can find it.
Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone.
I'm afraid there's nothing more
we can do.
You'll just have to live
with being a woman.
A very ugly one. Come on, men.
Students, I want to congratulate you
on your amazing test scores.
The school board is so impressed
with your progress
that they are going to let you take the
standardised advanced placement test
- For college credit.
- All right!
The test is going to be
heavily monitored
in a private room at their location,
to assure that there can be
absolutely no cheating.
- What?
- The test will be tomorrow.
Make us proud.
Monitor us in a private room?
Now they're gonna know
we've been cheating all along.
I knew it, man. You made us believe
in your way, and now it's all for nothing.
It's not for nothing.
If you're good enough,
you can cheat right in front of them.
Shut up, man!
You royally screwed us all!
How do I reach these kids?
Just before the last Super Bowl,
Bill Belichick gathered
his football players and said,
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time, let's not cheat."
You know what happened? They lost.
Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,
you cannot give up on cheating,
or else you can lose
the biggest game of your lives.
Yeah, come on. We can do this, guys.
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
We will begin by reviewing
how to print out cheat sheets
as labels for your bottled water.
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
Get your hopes up
with a stupid genetic experiment
and now all your money's gone
along with your penis.
Well, what the...
Why, it's my penis.
My penis came back. But why?
I guess it's true. What's that old saying?
"If you love your penis, let it go."
The standardised
advanced placement test
is considered one of the most difficult
and carefully monitored tests
in the country.
24 of our students
took the test and all 24 scored 100%.
- Can we say something?
- Sure.
We would like to present this plaque
to the person who taught us the
white people method, Mr. Cartmanez.
I reached these kids.
Students and faculty,
please put your hands together
and help me
in welcoming back Mr. Garrison.
Thanks, everyone. It's great to be back.
I'm a man again,
thanks to my very special new friend.
But, you know, I've learned
that I've really been a dude all along,
because the key difference
between men and women
is that women can have babies.
If you can't have babies,
then you're a man.
Wait. Hang on a second.
My wife had ovarian cancer,
so she can't have babies.
Well, then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
'cause your wife's a dude, faggot.
Yeah, I'm back.