South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Over Logging - full transcript
A prolonged Internet service outage hits South Park and most of the rest of the country, and Randy moves the Marsh family to California hoping to find a connection (and Internet porn for himself).
I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
Get off the Internet, Stanley.
It's time for bed.
Mom, I just gotta do
a couple more things.
Now, Stanley. The Internet will be
waiting for you in the morning.
- Off.
- Man.
Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime.
Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend
in Montana!
- Now, Shelly.
- Why do you hate me?
- Randy, off the Internet.
- No! No, come on! Leave me alone!
No, mister, it's time for night-night.
But, Sharon, I got stuff to do!
I gotta see my credit rating
and I gotta send an e-mail to Nelson
and check out Foley's vacation photos.
You don't have to do all that now.
You can do one more thing,
- And then it's bedtime.
- One more thing?
Yeah.
What the hell?
- Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer.
- What?
My Internet's not working.
I gotta use yours.
And give Daddy some private time,
will you?
- My Internet's not working, either.
- What?
- Dad, the Internet's not working!
- I know that, okay?
I have to get online with my darling Amir
before school starts.
Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
Everyone, just... Just calm down!
Calm down, all right?
It's going to be okay.
We just can't panic!
- Gerald, please help us.
- Randy! What happened?
- Our house. It has no Internet.
- Oh, my God.
We've got nothing. It's just gone.
Come in. You can use our Internet
until you figure out what to do.
Thank you, Gerald.
- I'm getting on it first.
- No, you're not.
Kyle, I need to use your Internet.
- It's not working.
- What?
I've even unplugged it
and plugged it back in.
No. No, our Internet can't be broken.
I've got to get an attachment
Larry sent me last night!
- It's not working, Gerald.
- But it has to work. Maybe if I...
Your Internet's not working, Gerald!
Face it!
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks?
They have free Internet.
Right, Starbucks!
Everyone, get your stuff.
We can take my car!
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
- No, nobody's is!
- What's happening?
Jesus, everyone's gonna go
to Starbucks now.
Everyone in the car!
We have to beat them there!
God, the whole neighbourhood's
affected.
Get out of the way, Peterson!
Folks, there's no Internet here!
- It's not working, I tell you.
- It's not working here?
Kids, get back in the car.
We can go to the Mac store.
- No, don't! You're wasting your time.
- How do you know?
Because we just came from there.
There was nothing.
Not one scrap of Internet.
How can there be no Internet anywhere?
What's going on?
Anybody got a BlackBerry?
Check Drudge Report.
Good idea!
No, wait. We can't check
Drudge Report, there's no Internet!
There has to be a way to find out
what's going on!
We can't! Don't you get it?
There's no Internet to find out
why there's no Internet!
What did we used to do
to get the news before the Internet?
A television!
Once again, we apologise,
but we cannot bring you the news.
It appears that we have no Internet
here at News 4.
We'll be happy to bring you up
on current events
just as soon as our Internet is back.
- Jesus, it's state-wide.
- It could be nationwide.
Hello? Do you have Internet?
It's Channel 4 News.
No, we don't have Internet, either.
- No Internet anywhere.
- Jesus, we're all alone.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
I need to get on WebMD and see
why I have this cough, but I can't!
What if my sweetheart is online
looking for me?
He could be wondering
why I don't get online with him.
Maybe he thinks I'm dead.
If my darling Amir gets another
Internet girlfriend, I'm going to kill him!
And you!
Shelly! Shelly, whoa, stop! Stop!
Dad, you gotta do something!
She's out of control.
You're right.
We can't just sit here any longer.
- Randy, where will you go?
- We're gonna head west.
There's a rumour going around
there might be some Internet out there,
so we're heading out Californee way.
You don't know
if there's any Internet in California!
Well, there certainly ain't none here!
Look, maybe it's time you all face reality.
- The Internet here is dried up.
- It could come back.
Yeah, and maybe it won't.
In the meantime, I got a family
who needs Internet right away.
We'll head out Californee way
and see what we can find.
Come on, let's go.
Look, if you... If you do find Internet,
let us know, will you?
How? You won't have Internet.
- Sorry, folks. We're full up.
- Know anywhere else we can stay?
We're heading out Californee way.
Looking for some Internet.
You and everyone else. You'll have
to stay out at the transient camp
with all the others
heading to Californee.
It's about a mile down the road.
I'm going down the road feeling bad
I'm going down the road feeling bad
I'm going down the road feeling bad
Oh, Lordy
My Internet done up and went away
Where are you from, old timer?
Kansas City.
Had me a store there,
a kind of computer supply store.
When the Internet went,
the stores went, too.
Things'll be different
when we get out to Californee.
Soon as we get us some Internet,
we can all rest easy.
Why, sure. Silicon Valley.
They gots a whole mess
of Internet up there,
say a man can practically
roll around in it.
When I get to that Internet, I'm gonna
click on just about everything in sight!
Might even click on a pop-up ad
just for the heck of it.
I'm gonna sit down at that Internet
and just start e-mailing,
just keep on e-mailing
till my fingers are sore to the bone!
Sure will be nice.
- You folks all heading to Silicon Valley?
- That's right. We need to get online.
- "Get online," he says.
- What's so funny about that?
Think about it. How many folk
heading out to Californee?
A million? More? And how much
Internet you think they got out there?
Might be some Internet, sure, but
with everyone trying to use it at once,
it's gonna go real slow-like.
I knows, because I seen it.
My two children,
they tried to load a webpage.
Took them over three days.
They sat there waiting.
By the time the loading bar
was only half full, they was dead.
Starved on the Internet, with their bellies
stuck out like a pig bladder.
Come on, Stan, let's get some rest.
Amir, I miss you so much.
Don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get
online when we get to Californee.
Everyone, wake up! We're here!
Silicon Valley, Californee!
- Name?
- Do they have Internet here?
- Name?
- Marsh.
- Service provider?
- NetZero.
All right, stay in line.
Once you're inside,
Red Cross volunteers
will direct you to your campsite.
- So, is there Internet here?
- Stay in line and get to your campsite.
Excuse me,
we're looking for some Internet.
- Yeah, they got it here.
- All right!
But there ain't enough to go around.
All they got is a little Internet.
Barely a bar of signal,
so they have to ration it out carefully.
You sign up over there and use
your time when they call your name.
Each family gets
40 seconds of Internet per day.
Forty seconds? That ain't even
long enough to check Wikipedia!
Well, it's all we got,
so we gotta make do.
Look, honey,
I ordered us some books on Amazon!
- All right, time's up.
- No!
No, wait. I haven't entered
the shipping information! No!
Next! Grady, John H.
How am I supposed to see
Internet porn that way?
- What did you say?
- You go ahead, Sharon,
divide some Internet
amongst the children.
I gotta go talk to somebody.
And that's about all we know.
There might be some Internet
still in California and parts of Florida,
though we certainly
still don't have any here.
- A fax! A fax is coming through!
- Yeah! A fax!
- A fax! We got a fax! We got a fax!
- It's a fax! It's a fax! It's a fax!
It says, "The government
has sent their best people
"to the Internet in order to repair it."
We gotta send a reporter
out to the Internet!
Where is the Internet?
Gentlemen, the President is very angry
that his Internet still isn't working.
We've tried everything, sir,
but the Internet has slowed to a trickle
and we can't get it working correctly.
Take me down below.
I want to see the Internet for myself.
Here it is, General. The Internet.
So, what's wrong with it?
See that flashing orange light
in the middle?
It's supposed to be solid green.
My God.
Thedancingkitty. com,
I wonder what that is.
Click on the dancing kitty
and you could win a prize.
All right, time's up.
No, wait. I just clicked on the kitty.
I got it!
- No! It wasn't long enough! No!
- Next. Nelson, Peter T.
Excuse me, I need
to have some private Internet time.
Look, we're just trying to get by here.
Everyone's gotta take what they can get.
- I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.
- So, jack off.
You don't understand.
I need the Internet to jack off.
I got used to being able to see anything
at the click of a button, you know?
Once you jack off to Japanese girls
puking in each other's mouths,
you can't exactly go back to Playboy.
What do you want us to do?
Pick up the whole computer
and put it inside for 10 minutes,
just for you?
- Three minutes would be plenty.
- Get lost!
All right, each of you take a ticket.
When they call your name,
you can use the Internet.
- What number are you, turd?
- 851.
- You're 923 now.
- Hey, Mom!
Shelly, give your brother his ticket back.
Can't you all see I'm in pain?
Nobody understands pure love!
Amir and I are closer than anybody
in this stupid family!
Hey, over here.
You happen to be looking
for Internet porn?
Yeah! How'd you know?
Lots of us fellows
came here for that reason.
We all got used to seeing lots
of really perverted stuff on the Internet,
- so now we can't go back to Playboy.
- I know! Right?
Anyway, we got us a simulator.
You just call out what you want to see
and then say, "Click."
Give it a try.
Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids.
Click.
This sucks! I can't jack off to this.
Damn it!
Let's see. Interracial gang bang. Click.
She-males. Let's try she-males. Click.
Bestiality. Click on that.
Brazilian fart fetish porn? Click. Click.
Nope. No, this isn't gonna work.
It's just not the same.
Well, sorry,
that'll be $49 on your credit card.
Well, at least that part's
like the Internet.
We now have a reporter on the scene!
Let's go live!
Tom, I'm at the Internet, where
government officials are doing their best
to get it running again.
All right, Internet.
What do you want from us?
If we've angered you somehow,
let us know.
Try to communicate with it
digitally again.
I've had it with this thing.
Fire a warning shot at it.
Hey, wait a minute. Is it possible that...
What is it, Kyle?
I think I know what's wrong.
This is taking too long!
When do I get to use the Internet?
It's gotta be our turn soon.
All right, folks, it's bedtime.
No more Internet for today.
- Come on!
- Just a little longer!
No, no. We're locking it away
till tomorrow. Everyone get to bed.
- Man!
- What?
Finally! I'm online again! Yes!
Japanese girls puke
in each other's mouths.
Nice!
Now let's see some bestiality.
Yes! Let's get some
Brazilian fart porn in there.
That's got it!
What is that?
Sounds like someone's being attacked
by a tiger!
Get the keys! We gotta get in there!
What the...
- Dad?
- Randy!
There was a ghost! This is ectoplasm!
Did you see the ghost?
- It ran through here and slimed me!
- You son of a bitch!
No, that wasn't me.
It was the spooky ghost!
This is our last chance.
With nowhere else to turn,
the government is going to allow
one brave nine-year-old boy
to attempt his method
to get the Internet running again.
It all comes down to this.
Can the little Jewish boy
reason with the Internet,
or will it be gone forever?
- All clear for procedure.
- All right, let's do it.
Look! The flashing yellow light
is steady green now!
He did it!
- I've got Internet!
- Me, too!
Internet activity in all sectors, sir!
- I've got Internet!
- Me, too!
It's back!
It's back! It's back!
It's working!
I can i-chat with my darling Amir now!
Shelly? Shelly Marsh?
- What?
- It's me. Amir.
- Hey.
- Your family came here, too, huh?
Yeah.
So, I guess I'll e-mail you
as soon as I get back home.
- Yeah, okay. Sounds good.
- Okay, see you.
We're back together!
We're back together!
And so, what have we learned
through this ordeal?
The Internet went away, it came back.
But for how long, we do not know.
We cannot take the Internet for granted
any longer.
We, as a country,
must stop overlogging on.
We must use the Internet
only when we need it.
It's easy for us to think we can just
use up all the Internet we want,
but if we don't treat the Internet
with the respect
that it deserves,
it could one day be gone forever.
And so let us learn to live
with the Internet, not for it.
No more browsing
for no apparent reason.
No more mindlessly surfing on
our laptops while watching television.
And finally, we must learn to only use
the Internet for porn twice a day.
Max.
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
Get off the Internet, Stanley.
It's time for bed.
Mom, I just gotta do
a couple more things.
Now, Stanley. The Internet will be
waiting for you in the morning.
- Off.
- Man.
Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime.
Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend
in Montana!
- Now, Shelly.
- Why do you hate me?
- Randy, off the Internet.
- No! No, come on! Leave me alone!
No, mister, it's time for night-night.
But, Sharon, I got stuff to do!
I gotta see my credit rating
and I gotta send an e-mail to Nelson
and check out Foley's vacation photos.
You don't have to do all that now.
You can do one more thing,
- And then it's bedtime.
- One more thing?
Yeah.
What the hell?
- Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer.
- What?
My Internet's not working.
I gotta use yours.
And give Daddy some private time,
will you?
- My Internet's not working, either.
- What?
- Dad, the Internet's not working!
- I know that, okay?
I have to get online with my darling Amir
before school starts.
Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
Everyone, just... Just calm down!
Calm down, all right?
It's going to be okay.
We just can't panic!
- Gerald, please help us.
- Randy! What happened?
- Our house. It has no Internet.
- Oh, my God.
We've got nothing. It's just gone.
Come in. You can use our Internet
until you figure out what to do.
Thank you, Gerald.
- I'm getting on it first.
- No, you're not.
Kyle, I need to use your Internet.
- It's not working.
- What?
I've even unplugged it
and plugged it back in.
No. No, our Internet can't be broken.
I've got to get an attachment
Larry sent me last night!
- It's not working, Gerald.
- But it has to work. Maybe if I...
Your Internet's not working, Gerald!
Face it!
I have to get online before school.
What about Starbucks?
They have free Internet.
Right, Starbucks!
Everyone, get your stuff.
We can take my car!
Hey, is your guys' Internet working?
- No, nobody's is!
- What's happening?
Jesus, everyone's gonna go
to Starbucks now.
Everyone in the car!
We have to beat them there!
God, the whole neighbourhood's
affected.
Get out of the way, Peterson!
Folks, there's no Internet here!
- It's not working, I tell you.
- It's not working here?
Kids, get back in the car.
We can go to the Mac store.
- No, don't! You're wasting your time.
- How do you know?
Because we just came from there.
There was nothing.
Not one scrap of Internet.
How can there be no Internet anywhere?
What's going on?
Anybody got a BlackBerry?
Check Drudge Report.
Good idea!
No, wait. We can't check
Drudge Report, there's no Internet!
There has to be a way to find out
what's going on!
We can't! Don't you get it?
There's no Internet to find out
why there's no Internet!
What did we used to do
to get the news before the Internet?
A television!
Once again, we apologise,
but we cannot bring you the news.
It appears that we have no Internet
here at News 4.
We'll be happy to bring you up
on current events
just as soon as our Internet is back.
- Jesus, it's state-wide.
- It could be nationwide.
Hello? Do you have Internet?
It's Channel 4 News.
No, we don't have Internet, either.
- No Internet anywhere.
- Jesus, we're all alone.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
I need to get on WebMD and see
why I have this cough, but I can't!
What if my sweetheart is online
looking for me?
He could be wondering
why I don't get online with him.
Maybe he thinks I'm dead.
If my darling Amir gets another
Internet girlfriend, I'm going to kill him!
And you!
Shelly! Shelly, whoa, stop! Stop!
Dad, you gotta do something!
She's out of control.
You're right.
We can't just sit here any longer.
- Randy, where will you go?
- We're gonna head west.
There's a rumour going around
there might be some Internet out there,
so we're heading out Californee way.
You don't know
if there's any Internet in California!
Well, there certainly ain't none here!
Look, maybe it's time you all face reality.
- The Internet here is dried up.
- It could come back.
Yeah, and maybe it won't.
In the meantime, I got a family
who needs Internet right away.
We'll head out Californee way
and see what we can find.
Come on, let's go.
Look, if you... If you do find Internet,
let us know, will you?
How? You won't have Internet.
- Sorry, folks. We're full up.
- Know anywhere else we can stay?
We're heading out Californee way.
Looking for some Internet.
You and everyone else. You'll have
to stay out at the transient camp
with all the others
heading to Californee.
It's about a mile down the road.
I'm going down the road feeling bad
I'm going down the road feeling bad
I'm going down the road feeling bad
Oh, Lordy
My Internet done up and went away
Where are you from, old timer?
Kansas City.
Had me a store there,
a kind of computer supply store.
When the Internet went,
the stores went, too.
Things'll be different
when we get out to Californee.
Soon as we get us some Internet,
we can all rest easy.
Why, sure. Silicon Valley.
They gots a whole mess
of Internet up there,
say a man can practically
roll around in it.
When I get to that Internet, I'm gonna
click on just about everything in sight!
Might even click on a pop-up ad
just for the heck of it.
I'm gonna sit down at that Internet
and just start e-mailing,
just keep on e-mailing
till my fingers are sore to the bone!
Sure will be nice.
- You folks all heading to Silicon Valley?
- That's right. We need to get online.
- "Get online," he says.
- What's so funny about that?
Think about it. How many folk
heading out to Californee?
A million? More? And how much
Internet you think they got out there?
Might be some Internet, sure, but
with everyone trying to use it at once,
it's gonna go real slow-like.
I knows, because I seen it.
My two children,
they tried to load a webpage.
Took them over three days.
They sat there waiting.
By the time the loading bar
was only half full, they was dead.
Starved on the Internet, with their bellies
stuck out like a pig bladder.
Come on, Stan, let's get some rest.
Amir, I miss you so much.
Don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get
online when we get to Californee.
Everyone, wake up! We're here!
Silicon Valley, Californee!
- Name?
- Do they have Internet here?
- Name?
- Marsh.
- Service provider?
- NetZero.
All right, stay in line.
Once you're inside,
Red Cross volunteers
will direct you to your campsite.
- So, is there Internet here?
- Stay in line and get to your campsite.
Excuse me,
we're looking for some Internet.
- Yeah, they got it here.
- All right!
But there ain't enough to go around.
All they got is a little Internet.
Barely a bar of signal,
so they have to ration it out carefully.
You sign up over there and use
your time when they call your name.
Each family gets
40 seconds of Internet per day.
Forty seconds? That ain't even
long enough to check Wikipedia!
Well, it's all we got,
so we gotta make do.
Look, honey,
I ordered us some books on Amazon!
- All right, time's up.
- No!
No, wait. I haven't entered
the shipping information! No!
Next! Grady, John H.
How am I supposed to see
Internet porn that way?
- What did you say?
- You go ahead, Sharon,
divide some Internet
amongst the children.
I gotta go talk to somebody.
And that's about all we know.
There might be some Internet
still in California and parts of Florida,
though we certainly
still don't have any here.
- A fax! A fax is coming through!
- Yeah! A fax!
- A fax! We got a fax! We got a fax!
- It's a fax! It's a fax! It's a fax!
It says, "The government
has sent their best people
"to the Internet in order to repair it."
We gotta send a reporter
out to the Internet!
Where is the Internet?
Gentlemen, the President is very angry
that his Internet still isn't working.
We've tried everything, sir,
but the Internet has slowed to a trickle
and we can't get it working correctly.
Take me down below.
I want to see the Internet for myself.
Here it is, General. The Internet.
So, what's wrong with it?
See that flashing orange light
in the middle?
It's supposed to be solid green.
My God.
Thedancingkitty. com,
I wonder what that is.
Click on the dancing kitty
and you could win a prize.
All right, time's up.
No, wait. I just clicked on the kitty.
I got it!
- No! It wasn't long enough! No!
- Next. Nelson, Peter T.
Excuse me, I need
to have some private Internet time.
Look, we're just trying to get by here.
Everyone's gotta take what they can get.
- I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.
- So, jack off.
You don't understand.
I need the Internet to jack off.
I got used to being able to see anything
at the click of a button, you know?
Once you jack off to Japanese girls
puking in each other's mouths,
you can't exactly go back to Playboy.
What do you want us to do?
Pick up the whole computer
and put it inside for 10 minutes,
just for you?
- Three minutes would be plenty.
- Get lost!
All right, each of you take a ticket.
When they call your name,
you can use the Internet.
- What number are you, turd?
- 851.
- You're 923 now.
- Hey, Mom!
Shelly, give your brother his ticket back.
Can't you all see I'm in pain?
Nobody understands pure love!
Amir and I are closer than anybody
in this stupid family!
Hey, over here.
You happen to be looking
for Internet porn?
Yeah! How'd you know?
Lots of us fellows
came here for that reason.
We all got used to seeing lots
of really perverted stuff on the Internet,
- so now we can't go back to Playboy.
- I know! Right?
Anyway, we got us a simulator.
You just call out what you want to see
and then say, "Click."
Give it a try.
Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids.
Click.
This sucks! I can't jack off to this.
Damn it!
Let's see. Interracial gang bang. Click.
She-males. Let's try she-males. Click.
Bestiality. Click on that.
Brazilian fart fetish porn? Click. Click.
Nope. No, this isn't gonna work.
It's just not the same.
Well, sorry,
that'll be $49 on your credit card.
Well, at least that part's
like the Internet.
We now have a reporter on the scene!
Let's go live!
Tom, I'm at the Internet, where
government officials are doing their best
to get it running again.
All right, Internet.
What do you want from us?
If we've angered you somehow,
let us know.
Try to communicate with it
digitally again.
I've had it with this thing.
Fire a warning shot at it.
Hey, wait a minute. Is it possible that...
What is it, Kyle?
I think I know what's wrong.
This is taking too long!
When do I get to use the Internet?
It's gotta be our turn soon.
All right, folks, it's bedtime.
No more Internet for today.
- Come on!
- Just a little longer!
No, no. We're locking it away
till tomorrow. Everyone get to bed.
- Man!
- What?
Finally! I'm online again! Yes!
Japanese girls puke
in each other's mouths.
Nice!
Now let's see some bestiality.
Yes! Let's get some
Brazilian fart porn in there.
That's got it!
What is that?
Sounds like someone's being attacked
by a tiger!
Get the keys! We gotta get in there!
What the...
- Dad?
- Randy!
There was a ghost! This is ectoplasm!
Did you see the ghost?
- It ran through here and slimed me!
- You son of a bitch!
No, that wasn't me.
It was the spooky ghost!
This is our last chance.
With nowhere else to turn,
the government is going to allow
one brave nine-year-old boy
to attempt his method
to get the Internet running again.
It all comes down to this.
Can the little Jewish boy
reason with the Internet,
or will it be gone forever?
- All clear for procedure.
- All right, let's do it.
Look! The flashing yellow light
is steady green now!
He did it!
- I've got Internet!
- Me, too!
Internet activity in all sectors, sir!
- I've got Internet!
- Me, too!
It's back!
It's back! It's back!
It's working!
I can i-chat with my darling Amir now!
Shelly? Shelly Marsh?
- What?
- It's me. Amir.
- Hey.
- Your family came here, too, huh?
Yeah.
So, I guess I'll e-mail you
as soon as I get back home.
- Yeah, okay. Sounds good.
- Okay, see you.
We're back together!
We're back together!
And so, what have we learned
through this ordeal?
The Internet went away, it came back.
But for how long, we do not know.
We cannot take the Internet for granted
any longer.
We, as a country,
must stop overlogging on.
We must use the Internet
only when we need it.
It's easy for us to think we can just
use up all the Internet we want,
but if we don't treat the Internet
with the respect
that it deserves,
it could one day be gone forever.
And so let us learn to live
with the Internet, not for it.
No more browsing
for no apparent reason.
No more mindlessly surfing on
our laptops while watching television.
And finally, we must learn to only use
the Internet for porn twice a day.
Max.