South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 1 - Tonsil Trouble - full transcript
After Cartman and Kyle are infected with the AIDS virus, they turn to Magic Johnson for assistance in finding a cure.
"Tonsil Trouble"
Well there's no doubt about it.
Those tonsils need to come out.
What?
Oh, what exactly
does that entail, Doctor?
It's a very
simple operation.
We'll just put you
to sleep, Eric,
and when you wake up
you'll be tonsil-free!
No way.
I'm not going
to the hospital, Mom!
Oh, I thought
you were a tough kid.
You're not scared
of hospitals, are you?
No, I'm not scared.
I just, I don't want my
tonsils out, that's all.
Well, then I guess you don't
want all the ice cream
you get after
the surgery either.
Ice cream?
Be a shame to have to give
all that free ice cream
to the big boys who aren't
scared of the hospitals.
What do you say, champ?
Think you can tough it out?
Well, you did say
free ice cream?
Poopsiekins, wake up.
Wake up, honey.
It's, it's over?
That's right!
You did it, poopsiekins!
It's over!
I didn't feel anything.
You were right, Mom!
I'm so proud of you, Eric.
All right.
So where's my ice cream?
Oh, here's the doctor now.
Hi, doctor.
You were right, doctor.
Everything is okay.
No, it's not.
Eric, I'm afraid that we've
accidentally infected you
with the AIDS virus.
- What?
- What's that supposed to mean?
During the tonsil surgery, we had to
supply you with donor blood,
a mistake was made and
you were given blood
contaminated with HIV.
It was a one
in a billion fluke.
I have AIDS?
Not yet, but we've confirmed thatyou now have the virus that causes AIDS.
We are very sorry.
Sorry?
You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?
Oh, my poor little baby!
Mom, you said
nothing would go wrong!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
No, no,
this is a joke, right?
This is a joke!
I can't have AIDS!
We are going to do everything in
our power to make this up to you, Eric.
For starters, I think
I owe you some ice cream.
Fuck your ice cream!
You said I'd be fine!
You all said
I'd be fine!
My baby has HIV!
No!
Thank you for coming, everyone.
Boys, please take a seat.
What's going on?
Are we in trouble?
Boys, the reason
we called you all in is
because one of your friends
has a serious illness.
Eric Cartman has been
diagnosed with HIV.
What?
Oh, no.
He's been to several specialists
since a botched blood transfusion.
The disease is in very early
stages and completely manageable,
but he's naturally,
a bit scared.
Cartman has HIV?
We need everyone
to understand
that you can't get
the virus from Eric.
You can still give him
hugs and even kisses.
Don't be afraid of him.
Just--
Excuse me.
Eric Cartman has HIV.
All right, we're going
to bring Eric in now.
And let's all be as supportive as we
can and show him lots of love, okay?
Eric? Come on in.
Your friends all want
to say hi, m'kay?
- Hi, Eric.
- Hey, there, Eric.
No way.
How you doing, Eric?
You know, I think you're
a real special little guy.
And even though
you have AIDS,
I ain't gonna act
any different towards you.
God dammit, this sucks ass!
Excuse me.
I have to step out
for a minute.
Poor ol' Kyle.
He's really taking it hard.
Is Kyle laughing out there?
This isn't time for funny jokes!
I'm going to die.
No, you're not going
to die, Eric.
AIDS isn't as big
a deal as it used to be.
There are advances in treatment.
Not a big deal?
Is that how everyone feels?
People need to understand
the seriousness of this illness
and the bravery of the
people who struggle with it!
We are here tonight to salute
the bravery and the courage
of one very special little boy
who is living with HIV.
Where the hell is everybody?
Excuse me.
Shouldn't we wait for everyone
to arrive before we get started?
This is everyone.
We didn't sell that many tickets.
Great benefit, Eric.
The Italian meatballs are fantastic.
So this is it?
I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't
as popular as they used to be.
AIDS was more
the '80s/'90s disease.
It's all about cancer now.
Well, that's just great!
Of all the times to get AIDS,
I get it right
when everyone stops
giving a crap!
With all of your help, we have
raised over $17 for AIDS tonight,
and that money will certainly go
towards helping little Eric Martman.
Just bring out
Elton John already!
Uh, we're sorry.
Elton couldn't make it.
He had to play
at a cancer benefit.
It's all right.
We got somebody better.
Jimmy Buffet!
Jimmy Buffet?
Hello, everyone.
I wrote this song for
a very brave little boy.
# AIDS burger in paradise,
AIDS burger and it ain't nice #
Nobody likes Jimmy Buffet
except for frat boys
and alcoholic chicks
from the South!
# Little boy in South Park #
# Died of AIDS in the cold dark #
# How he got AIDS I haven't a clue,
Wasting away again #
# Because of AIDS and stuff #
How're we all feeling tonight?
Fuck you, Jimmy Buffet!
You fucking suck!
Oh, poopsiekins, be nice.
Fuck you, mom.
I have fucking AIDS!
Hey, guys, thanks a lot for coming
to my AIDS benefit yesterday.
Oh, dude, was that yesterday?
We forgot.
Yeah, you forgot.
Just like a lot of people
lately have forgot
that AIDS is still
killing people.
Seems like all of America has forgot
that HIV is a serious disease.
Well, did Elton John
sing a song for you?
No, as a matter of fact,
Jimmy Buffet came instead.
Oh, yeah.
It's real
fucking funny, Kyle!
I'm sorry.
I'm--I'm really!
Cartman,
I-I feel really bad for you.
Honestly.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
If you really felt bad,
you'd wipe that fucking
smirk off your face
Well, any goddamn second, Kyle!
I'm sorry.
I gotta go home.
Jesus Christ, can you
believe that asshole?
He does feel bad
for you, Cartman.
He just thinks it's...
ironic.
Ironic how?
Well, you know you're always
such a dick and stuff and now--
Oh, and what, I deserve it?
Is that what you think?
Not me!
That's kind of what
he thinks.
Nobody deserves
this illness, Stan!
Kenny!
Nobody!
It's awful!
And maybe somebody
needs to teach Kyle
how to have
some compassion.
Ugh, okay.
It's clear.
All right. Get that rope
ready to hoist me up.
All right, but what
are you going to do?
Kyle thinks that HIV is funny,
so we're going to make him look funny
and then he'll know how
it feels to be laughed at.
I just...
Well, I don't know if I should be
helping you make Kyle look silly.
Butters, helping people
who have AIDS
is one of the most important
things you can do.
Well I know, but are you sure
Kyle has to be taught a lesson?
I'm not just sure, Butters.
I'm HIV positive.
Oh, yeah.
I guess that's true.
All right. Now get the rope up over
that third rafter above the window.
That's the easiest access.
Wow! You really know
what you're doing.
Yeah, I sneak into Kyle's
room lots of times.
You think HIV is something
to be laughed at, Kyle?
Well, let's just see how
funny it is now, asshole.
Ugh... what?
Ugh.
There, there, boobie. You'll be okay.
Oh, doctor, did you find anything?
Is it Strep?
No, it isn't Strep.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever
had a blood transfusion?
No, why?
Little boy, have you been
having unprotected anal sex?
What? No!
Doctor,
what are you saying?
We've run every test imaginable.
Little Kyle here
is infected with HIV.
- What?
- HIV?
It took us a long time
to narrow it down,
but there is no doubt.
No! That's impossible!
Little boy, are you sure
you haven't taken it
up the hoo-hoo
just once or twice?
No! No, goddammit, No!
I'm telling you you're wrong!
There is no way I can have HIV,
unless maybe...
Oh, my God.
That son of a bitch!
Kyle? Kyle!
Pass me the ball.
Pass me the ball, Craig,
you stupid asshole!
Kyle, what the F?
I'm gonna kill you,
Cartman!
Kyle, what?
What'd he do?
Why do I have HIV?
Oh.
Oh, you have HIV,
huh, Kyle?
Guess it isn't so
funny now, is it?
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
Then why did Butters say he helped you
sneak into my room last Friday night?
Oh, nice, Butters,
you big tattle tail!
Tattle tail?
Do you know
how serious this is?
Well, Kyle,
maybe I was just trying
to prove a point that
you shouldn't be so--
Kyle!
Hey, hey, that's enough.
Break it up, m'kay?
Break it up!
M'kay. Okay.
All right, boys.
Now what is this
fighting all about?
He gave me AIDS!
What?
He purposely infected me
with his HIV virus!
Is that true, Eric?
Did you give Kyle AIDS?
Well, he was being
a total dick
and then he's a big tattle tail and
going around talking crap about me...
Did you infect Kyle
with the HIV virus?
Yes or no?
Kind of.
Eric, that is not
appropriate behavior, m'kay?
You cannot purposely infect
other kids with your disease.
That's right.
I think you owe Kyle
an apology.
I'm sorry.
An apology?
You're sorry for what, Eric?
I'm sorry
for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better.
And now, Kyle, maybe
you should also admit
you were wrong
for tattling.
What?
Kyle, the thing about tattling
is that tattling's bad.
M'kay, because nobody likes
a tattle tail, m'kay.
A tattle tail?
He infected me with AIDS!
See? He's tattling again.
He hasn't learned a thing,
you guys.
Well, Kyle,
I guess we're even now.
Should we just
call it truce?
Kyle, should we call it
even-stevens now?
Kyle, where are you going?
I'm going to break
everything that you own.
What is that supposed to...
Kyle, Kyle, no!
I apologized, Kyle!
Kyle!
Kyle, hold on,
you asshole.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Kyle, stop it!
Goddammit, don't!
No, Kyle, not Clyde frog.
Leave Clyde frog alone.
No!
Ah, Clyde Frog!
No, no,
not the X-Box, Kyle.
Not the X--
Wait, just wait a second!
I'm sorry
I gave you HIV, alright?
Just give me a chance
and I can cure you.
There is no cure,
you asshole!
No! No, listen, Kyle.
I'm onto something.
There really is hope.
What hope?
Break my X-Box
and you'll never know.
You're lying.
No! All right, Kyle.
Magic Johnson, Kyle!
The key is Magic Johnson!
Magic Johnson?
He was a basketball player.
So what?
So he got HIV
like 50 years ago.
And he's still totally fine.
Magic Johnson has some kind of
resistance to the virus, Kyle.
I've been researching it
since I got infected.
If we can track him down and
isolate his genetic prototype,
we have a chance of
beating this thing, buddy.
You and me, Kyle.
We can overcome our illness.
I swear it to you!
You better.
Because if you don't the cure for HIV,
I will break your X-Box.
My God.
We need two tickets to Los Angeles,
as soon as possible!
Los Angeles, okay.
Uh, I have a 2:00 flight.
That would be $400 each.
Uh, sir,
you don't understand.
We have to see
Magic Johnson right away.
You see...
We have AIDS.
AIDS?
Wow! That's really retro.
But I'm sorry.
I can't just give away
free seats.
Don't you get it?
We are two pals,
afflicted with an illness
and who only have each other
in a race against time!
Innocent, playful children
who were stricken
with a deadly disease
for no reason.
Oh, please!
No reason!
I got AIDS from him!
Oh, you boys
are like that, huh?
No!
Are you sure you boys
just don't have any cash?
We're not just sure,
we're HIV positive.
Uh, we sometimes offer
free seats to cancer patients,
but AIDS, I just...
Hey, Mitch?
Do we have
any AIDS patient policies?
Forget it, all right!
We'll use another airline!
One that cares!
We're so happy to help
accommodate you brave boys.
What kind of cancer
did you say you have again?
Oh, uh, you know,
all-over cancer.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, at least it's not
as bad as having AIDS!
AIDS is the worst disease.
Hmm, I don't know.
These days I think I'd rather have
AIDS than cancer.
No, you would...
Look, shouldn't you be serving people
drinks or something? Get outta here!
We're on our way, buddy.
Magic Johnson, here we come!
Don't touch me.
I know.
I'm scared too.
Magic, Magic, could you come
to the front for a minute?
There are a couple of
boys here to see you.
Two brave little buddies
who against all odds
have journeyed across America
to find the cure for AIDS.
All they have is each other
in a race against time.
Thank you for seeing us,
Mr. Johnson.
We were hoping that maybe
you have some kind of key
that could help us
with our disease.
You boys both have the virus?
Are you sure?
We're not just sure.
We're HIV positive.
Will you stop it
with that?
What part of this
is funny to you?
Kyle, we need
to try to find--
What part of being infected with
a deadly disease do you find funny?
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Then stop saying, "You're not just sure,
you're HIV positive!"
This isn't funny.
AIDS isn't funny.
Dying isn't funny,
so shut the fuck up.
Well, excuse me, Kyle,for trying to keep some optimism.
You know, sometimes when
things seem their darkest,
you just need to try and stay...
HIV positive.
But if you want to be so
HIV negative all the time--
Knock it off!
Right now!
This isn't funny!
At all!
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
Are you HIV positive--
Oh! Fuck, Kyle!
Boys, the truth is
I don't know
why my body is so
resistant to the virus.
I would love to know so I could
help others, but I just don't.
Well, I've been thinking.
Maybe there's something
you've come into contact with
that hinders HIV
from growing.
Do you mind
if we just look around?
Well, not at all.
The pool is over there,
where I try to swim and stay in shape.
My kitchen is full of
very healthy food.
I don't know
which thing it is
that keeps my T-cell count high,
so I try it all.
But everyone tries that.
There has to be something
you're exposed to that others aren't.
Could we see
where you sleep?
Sure.
Just a pretty plain
old ordinary bedroom.
Dude.
Oh. Yeah,
I-I don't trust banks.
I sleep with all my money.
You sleep with money...
every night?
Yeah,
I like to keep it close.
You don't think that...
It's incredible.
Mitch, these boys could be
onto something.
Take a look.
That's a sample
of HIV infected blood.
You can clearly see the HIV
attacking the white blood cells, right?
All right. Now watch what happens
when we introduce some cash.
My god!
The HIV particles are receding!
The cash does seem to restrain
the HIV cells from stabilizing.
Now hold on.
All the cash is doing is
destablizing the virus,
not destroying it.
Well, look.
If being around lots of cash
negatively affects the HIV,
then maybe--
Then maybe enough cash,
shot directly into the bloodstream
could kill
the virus altogether.
I have enough cash
for all three of us.
We should give it a try!
No, no. It's ridiculous.
We need FDA approvals, control studies!
I'm sorry,
but this is impossible.
These boys have shown us that
a lot of impossible things can happen.
Their friendship has conquered
every obstacle
in their illness-rid lives!
Their incredible friendship has
brought a sparkle of hope to our world.
Well, that's for sure.
I suppose we could try to distill
Magic's cash down to its...
most highly concentrated level
and try it on one of them.
But it's very risky.
Yeah, well, if there's a chance
of being cured of this illness,
then Kyle is willing
to take that risk.
Let's hope to Christ
this works.
Wait a minute.
Yes.
Yes, take a look!
The cash particles have completely
replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood!
Boys, you've just found
the cure for AIDS!
All right!
They found
the cure for AIDS!
The cure for AIDS!
What is it?
Large doses
of concentrated cash!
Get the media on the phone!
All right.
Scientists have just
discovered the cure for AIDS.
About $180,000 shot directly
into the bloodstream.
Hey!
They just found
the cure for AIDS!
You just have to infect yourself
with all your cash!
I am pleased to announce that
there is no trace of the HIV virus
in either Kyle Broflovski
or Eric Cartman.
Together, these boys beat their illness,
with nothing but each other,
and overcoming all odds...
these two brave friends.
Oh, stop!
We're not friends!
He's the one
who infected me with AIDS!
Those two brave lovers found
the cure and helped the world.
And so to honor these boys,
here is...
Jimmy Buffet!
What? Oh, no!
# Cure burger in paradise,
Cure burger there, I said it twice #
Agh, goddammit!
Well, I tell you this, Kyle.
I'm never getting
my tonsils out again!
I'm still breaking
your X-Box.
What? No, no!
Kyle, no!
Well there's no doubt about it.
Those tonsils need to come out.
What?
Oh, what exactly
does that entail, Doctor?
It's a very
simple operation.
We'll just put you
to sleep, Eric,
and when you wake up
you'll be tonsil-free!
No way.
I'm not going
to the hospital, Mom!
Oh, I thought
you were a tough kid.
You're not scared
of hospitals, are you?
No, I'm not scared.
I just, I don't want my
tonsils out, that's all.
Well, then I guess you don't
want all the ice cream
you get after
the surgery either.
Ice cream?
Be a shame to have to give
all that free ice cream
to the big boys who aren't
scared of the hospitals.
What do you say, champ?
Think you can tough it out?
Well, you did say
free ice cream?
Poopsiekins, wake up.
Wake up, honey.
It's, it's over?
That's right!
You did it, poopsiekins!
It's over!
I didn't feel anything.
You were right, Mom!
I'm so proud of you, Eric.
All right.
So where's my ice cream?
Oh, here's the doctor now.
Hi, doctor.
You were right, doctor.
Everything is okay.
No, it's not.
Eric, I'm afraid that we've
accidentally infected you
with the AIDS virus.
- What?
- What's that supposed to mean?
During the tonsil surgery, we had to
supply you with donor blood,
a mistake was made and
you were given blood
contaminated with HIV.
It was a one
in a billion fluke.
I have AIDS?
Not yet, but we've confirmed thatyou now have the virus that causes AIDS.
We are very sorry.
Sorry?
You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?
Oh, my poor little baby!
Mom, you said
nothing would go wrong!
Oh, God!
Oh, no!
No, no,
this is a joke, right?
This is a joke!
I can't have AIDS!
We are going to do everything in
our power to make this up to you, Eric.
For starters, I think
I owe you some ice cream.
Fuck your ice cream!
You said I'd be fine!
You all said
I'd be fine!
My baby has HIV!
No!
Thank you for coming, everyone.
Boys, please take a seat.
What's going on?
Are we in trouble?
Boys, the reason
we called you all in is
because one of your friends
has a serious illness.
Eric Cartman has been
diagnosed with HIV.
What?
Oh, no.
He's been to several specialists
since a botched blood transfusion.
The disease is in very early
stages and completely manageable,
but he's naturally,
a bit scared.
Cartman has HIV?
We need everyone
to understand
that you can't get
the virus from Eric.
You can still give him
hugs and even kisses.
Don't be afraid of him.
Just--
Excuse me.
Eric Cartman has HIV.
All right, we're going
to bring Eric in now.
And let's all be as supportive as we
can and show him lots of love, okay?
Eric? Come on in.
Your friends all want
to say hi, m'kay?
- Hi, Eric.
- Hey, there, Eric.
No way.
How you doing, Eric?
You know, I think you're
a real special little guy.
And even though
you have AIDS,
I ain't gonna act
any different towards you.
God dammit, this sucks ass!
Excuse me.
I have to step out
for a minute.
Poor ol' Kyle.
He's really taking it hard.
Is Kyle laughing out there?
This isn't time for funny jokes!
I'm going to die.
No, you're not going
to die, Eric.
AIDS isn't as big
a deal as it used to be.
There are advances in treatment.
Not a big deal?
Is that how everyone feels?
People need to understand
the seriousness of this illness
and the bravery of the
people who struggle with it!
We are here tonight to salute
the bravery and the courage
of one very special little boy
who is living with HIV.
Where the hell is everybody?
Excuse me.
Shouldn't we wait for everyone
to arrive before we get started?
This is everyone.
We didn't sell that many tickets.
Great benefit, Eric.
The Italian meatballs are fantastic.
So this is it?
I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't
as popular as they used to be.
AIDS was more
the '80s/'90s disease.
It's all about cancer now.
Well, that's just great!
Of all the times to get AIDS,
I get it right
when everyone stops
giving a crap!
With all of your help, we have
raised over $17 for AIDS tonight,
and that money will certainly go
towards helping little Eric Martman.
Just bring out
Elton John already!
Uh, we're sorry.
Elton couldn't make it.
He had to play
at a cancer benefit.
It's all right.
We got somebody better.
Jimmy Buffet!
Jimmy Buffet?
Hello, everyone.
I wrote this song for
a very brave little boy.
# AIDS burger in paradise,
AIDS burger and it ain't nice #
Nobody likes Jimmy Buffet
except for frat boys
and alcoholic chicks
from the South!
# Little boy in South Park #
# Died of AIDS in the cold dark #
# How he got AIDS I haven't a clue,
Wasting away again #
# Because of AIDS and stuff #
How're we all feeling tonight?
Fuck you, Jimmy Buffet!
You fucking suck!
Oh, poopsiekins, be nice.
Fuck you, mom.
I have fucking AIDS!
Hey, guys, thanks a lot for coming
to my AIDS benefit yesterday.
Oh, dude, was that yesterday?
We forgot.
Yeah, you forgot.
Just like a lot of people
lately have forgot
that AIDS is still
killing people.
Seems like all of America has forgot
that HIV is a serious disease.
Well, did Elton John
sing a song for you?
No, as a matter of fact,
Jimmy Buffet came instead.
Oh, yeah.
It's real
fucking funny, Kyle!
I'm sorry.
I'm--I'm really!
Cartman,
I-I feel really bad for you.
Honestly.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
If you really felt bad,
you'd wipe that fucking
smirk off your face
Well, any goddamn second, Kyle!
I'm sorry.
I gotta go home.
Jesus Christ, can you
believe that asshole?
He does feel bad
for you, Cartman.
He just thinks it's...
ironic.
Ironic how?
Well, you know you're always
such a dick and stuff and now--
Oh, and what, I deserve it?
Is that what you think?
Not me!
That's kind of what
he thinks.
Nobody deserves
this illness, Stan!
Kenny!
Nobody!
It's awful!
And maybe somebody
needs to teach Kyle
how to have
some compassion.
Ugh, okay.
It's clear.
All right. Get that rope
ready to hoist me up.
All right, but what
are you going to do?
Kyle thinks that HIV is funny,
so we're going to make him look funny
and then he'll know how
it feels to be laughed at.
I just...
Well, I don't know if I should be
helping you make Kyle look silly.
Butters, helping people
who have AIDS
is one of the most important
things you can do.
Well I know, but are you sure
Kyle has to be taught a lesson?
I'm not just sure, Butters.
I'm HIV positive.
Oh, yeah.
I guess that's true.
All right. Now get the rope up over
that third rafter above the window.
That's the easiest access.
Wow! You really know
what you're doing.
Yeah, I sneak into Kyle's
room lots of times.
You think HIV is something
to be laughed at, Kyle?
Well, let's just see how
funny it is now, asshole.
Ugh... what?
Ugh.
There, there, boobie. You'll be okay.
Oh, doctor, did you find anything?
Is it Strep?
No, it isn't Strep.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever
had a blood transfusion?
No, why?
Little boy, have you been
having unprotected anal sex?
What? No!
Doctor,
what are you saying?
We've run every test imaginable.
Little Kyle here
is infected with HIV.
- What?
- HIV?
It took us a long time
to narrow it down,
but there is no doubt.
No! That's impossible!
Little boy, are you sure
you haven't taken it
up the hoo-hoo
just once or twice?
No! No, goddammit, No!
I'm telling you you're wrong!
There is no way I can have HIV,
unless maybe...
Oh, my God.
That son of a bitch!
Kyle? Kyle!
Pass me the ball.
Pass me the ball, Craig,
you stupid asshole!
Kyle, what the F?
I'm gonna kill you,
Cartman!
Kyle, what?
What'd he do?
Why do I have HIV?
Oh.
Oh, you have HIV,
huh, Kyle?
Guess it isn't so
funny now, is it?
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
Then why did Butters say he helped you
sneak into my room last Friday night?
Oh, nice, Butters,
you big tattle tail!
Tattle tail?
Do you know
how serious this is?
Well, Kyle,
maybe I was just trying
to prove a point that
you shouldn't be so--
Kyle!
Hey, hey, that's enough.
Break it up, m'kay?
Break it up!
M'kay. Okay.
All right, boys.
Now what is this
fighting all about?
He gave me AIDS!
What?
He purposely infected me
with his HIV virus!
Is that true, Eric?
Did you give Kyle AIDS?
Well, he was being
a total dick
and then he's a big tattle tail and
going around talking crap about me...
Did you infect Kyle
with the HIV virus?
Yes or no?
Kind of.
Eric, that is not
appropriate behavior, m'kay?
You cannot purposely infect
other kids with your disease.
That's right.
I think you owe Kyle
an apology.
I'm sorry.
An apology?
You're sorry for what, Eric?
I'm sorry
for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
That's better.
And now, Kyle, maybe
you should also admit
you were wrong
for tattling.
What?
Kyle, the thing about tattling
is that tattling's bad.
M'kay, because nobody likes
a tattle tail, m'kay.
A tattle tail?
He infected me with AIDS!
See? He's tattling again.
He hasn't learned a thing,
you guys.
Well, Kyle,
I guess we're even now.
Should we just
call it truce?
Kyle, should we call it
even-stevens now?
Kyle, where are you going?
I'm going to break
everything that you own.
What is that supposed to...
Kyle, Kyle, no!
I apologized, Kyle!
Kyle!
Kyle, hold on,
you asshole.
What the fuck
are you doing?
Kyle, stop it!
Goddammit, don't!
No, Kyle, not Clyde frog.
Leave Clyde frog alone.
No!
Ah, Clyde Frog!
No, no,
not the X-Box, Kyle.
Not the X--
Wait, just wait a second!
I'm sorry
I gave you HIV, alright?
Just give me a chance
and I can cure you.
There is no cure,
you asshole!
No! No, listen, Kyle.
I'm onto something.
There really is hope.
What hope?
Break my X-Box
and you'll never know.
You're lying.
No! All right, Kyle.
Magic Johnson, Kyle!
The key is Magic Johnson!
Magic Johnson?
He was a basketball player.
So what?
So he got HIV
like 50 years ago.
And he's still totally fine.
Magic Johnson has some kind of
resistance to the virus, Kyle.
I've been researching it
since I got infected.
If we can track him down and
isolate his genetic prototype,
we have a chance of
beating this thing, buddy.
You and me, Kyle.
We can overcome our illness.
I swear it to you!
You better.
Because if you don't the cure for HIV,
I will break your X-Box.
My God.
We need two tickets to Los Angeles,
as soon as possible!
Los Angeles, okay.
Uh, I have a 2:00 flight.
That would be $400 each.
Uh, sir,
you don't understand.
We have to see
Magic Johnson right away.
You see...
We have AIDS.
AIDS?
Wow! That's really retro.
But I'm sorry.
I can't just give away
free seats.
Don't you get it?
We are two pals,
afflicted with an illness
and who only have each other
in a race against time!
Innocent, playful children
who were stricken
with a deadly disease
for no reason.
Oh, please!
No reason!
I got AIDS from him!
Oh, you boys
are like that, huh?
No!
Are you sure you boys
just don't have any cash?
We're not just sure,
we're HIV positive.
Uh, we sometimes offer
free seats to cancer patients,
but AIDS, I just...
Hey, Mitch?
Do we have
any AIDS patient policies?
Forget it, all right!
We'll use another airline!
One that cares!
We're so happy to help
accommodate you brave boys.
What kind of cancer
did you say you have again?
Oh, uh, you know,
all-over cancer.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, at least it's not
as bad as having AIDS!
AIDS is the worst disease.
Hmm, I don't know.
These days I think I'd rather have
AIDS than cancer.
No, you would...
Look, shouldn't you be serving people
drinks or something? Get outta here!
We're on our way, buddy.
Magic Johnson, here we come!
Don't touch me.
I know.
I'm scared too.
Magic, Magic, could you come
to the front for a minute?
There are a couple of
boys here to see you.
Two brave little buddies
who against all odds
have journeyed across America
to find the cure for AIDS.
All they have is each other
in a race against time.
Thank you for seeing us,
Mr. Johnson.
We were hoping that maybe
you have some kind of key
that could help us
with our disease.
You boys both have the virus?
Are you sure?
We're not just sure.
We're HIV positive.
Will you stop it
with that?
What part of this
is funny to you?
Kyle, we need
to try to find--
What part of being infected with
a deadly disease do you find funny?
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Then stop saying, "You're not just sure,
you're HIV positive!"
This isn't funny.
AIDS isn't funny.
Dying isn't funny,
so shut the fuck up.
Well, excuse me, Kyle,for trying to keep some optimism.
You know, sometimes when
things seem their darkest,
you just need to try and stay...
HIV positive.
But if you want to be so
HIV negative all the time--
Knock it off!
Right now!
This isn't funny!
At all!
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
Are you HIV positive--
Oh! Fuck, Kyle!
Boys, the truth is
I don't know
why my body is so
resistant to the virus.
I would love to know so I could
help others, but I just don't.
Well, I've been thinking.
Maybe there's something
you've come into contact with
that hinders HIV
from growing.
Do you mind
if we just look around?
Well, not at all.
The pool is over there,
where I try to swim and stay in shape.
My kitchen is full of
very healthy food.
I don't know
which thing it is
that keeps my T-cell count high,
so I try it all.
But everyone tries that.
There has to be something
you're exposed to that others aren't.
Could we see
where you sleep?
Sure.
Just a pretty plain
old ordinary bedroom.
Dude.
Oh. Yeah,
I-I don't trust banks.
I sleep with all my money.
You sleep with money...
every night?
Yeah,
I like to keep it close.
You don't think that...
It's incredible.
Mitch, these boys could be
onto something.
Take a look.
That's a sample
of HIV infected blood.
You can clearly see the HIV
attacking the white blood cells, right?
All right. Now watch what happens
when we introduce some cash.
My god!
The HIV particles are receding!
The cash does seem to restrain
the HIV cells from stabilizing.
Now hold on.
All the cash is doing is
destablizing the virus,
not destroying it.
Well, look.
If being around lots of cash
negatively affects the HIV,
then maybe--
Then maybe enough cash,
shot directly into the bloodstream
could kill
the virus altogether.
I have enough cash
for all three of us.
We should give it a try!
No, no. It's ridiculous.
We need FDA approvals, control studies!
I'm sorry,
but this is impossible.
These boys have shown us that
a lot of impossible things can happen.
Their friendship has conquered
every obstacle
in their illness-rid lives!
Their incredible friendship has
brought a sparkle of hope to our world.
Well, that's for sure.
I suppose we could try to distill
Magic's cash down to its...
most highly concentrated level
and try it on one of them.
But it's very risky.
Yeah, well, if there's a chance
of being cured of this illness,
then Kyle is willing
to take that risk.
Let's hope to Christ
this works.
Wait a minute.
Yes.
Yes, take a look!
The cash particles have completely
replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood!
Boys, you've just found
the cure for AIDS!
All right!
They found
the cure for AIDS!
The cure for AIDS!
What is it?
Large doses
of concentrated cash!
Get the media on the phone!
All right.
Scientists have just
discovered the cure for AIDS.
About $180,000 shot directly
into the bloodstream.
Hey!
They just found
the cure for AIDS!
You just have to infect yourself
with all your cash!
I am pleased to announce that
there is no trace of the HIV virus
in either Kyle Broflovski
or Eric Cartman.
Together, these boys beat their illness,
with nothing but each other,
and overcoming all odds...
these two brave friends.
Oh, stop!
We're not friends!
He's the one
who infected me with AIDS!
Those two brave lovers found
the cure and helped the world.
And so to honor these boys,
here is...
Jimmy Buffet!
What? Oh, no!
# Cure burger in paradise,
Cure burger there, I said it twice #
Agh, goddammit!
Well, I tell you this, Kyle.
I'm never getting
my tonsils out again!
I'm still breaking
your X-Box.
What? No, no!
Kyle, no!