South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 14 - The List - full transcript

"The List"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people shouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading on down to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it.

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

Fellas! Fellas!
It's--Oh my god!

You're not gonna believe this!

Dude, Butters,
calm down.



Okay. Okay.

I was talking to Pete Wetchney
and he said that Danny Chadwick

said that his sister told him that
the girls in our class have a list

that rates every boy's looks
from cutest to ugliest.

- So who do they say is the cutest?
- I don't know.

- Who do they say is the ugliest?
- I don't know. It's like a girl thing.

They won't let anybody
see the list but them.

They can't do that. Who are they
to judge us on how we look?

Yeah. You think they rate us
just for looks

or they take personality
into account?

If it's just looks
then I think I'm safe.

You guys, who cares
if the girls make some stupid list?

Girls make dumb lists
all the time.

Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it, we have
better things to worry about.



You're just saying that because you know
you're gonna be very last on the list!

Oh please, I don't think so, Craig!
Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!

You don't think they put the fat tub
of lard at the bottom?

No, because chicks know
I'm not fat! I'm buff.

They probably put you
at the bottom of the list

because you have
fucked up teeth!

Or Kenny
'cause he's poor.

They didn't put me
at the bottom, did they?

Kenny, face it:
Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts

for dinner every night
when they get married.

You don't think they said
I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya?

Well if they did,
my parents will ground me.

You guys, do you really care
what a bunch of girls

have to say about
how you rank in looks?

- All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
- What?

You know
what I'm talking about, bitch!

The list where you rate the looks
of each boy in the class!

That's not for boys
to look at!

It's a secret girl list
and you can't see it.

Craig is
on the bottom, right?

Or is it Kenny because you'd be eating
Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him?

I'm not telling! And anyway,
I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is.

And Nelly will never
let you look at it, so there!

Fuck you, Bebe!
Fuck you, bitch!

Well, I guess we're never gonna
get that list from the girls.

Screw that, dude! We're guys.
We can outthink them.

All right,
here's what we know.

That chick Nelly is the one who's
in charge of holding the list, right?

She apparently keeps it
in a purple Pee Chee folder

and we need
a plan to get it from her.

This is what I call:
"Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail"

Neato!

At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have
to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies.

That's our best time
to strike.

As she makes her way
through Hallway 3,

Craig will be ready with
a distraction device here.

When she stops and turns to Craig
in the hallway,

Butters will run up
and kick her in the balls.

Okay!

Once Butters kicks her
in the balls,

she'll fall to the floor,
dropping the Pee Chee,

and Kenny will swoop in
from Corridor 3-Delta

and grab the Pee Chee.
Are we good?

What you do that for?

Hey, what's your problem,
asshole?

Bail, bail!

Okay, our mission failed,
but we've learned a lot.

Primarily that
girls do not have balls.

They sure don't.

Nevermind because
we are going to Plan B.

One that I call "Operation:
Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."

When Nelly leaves
the cafeteria for recess,

Kenny will jump in front of her
and spit on the ground.

You think maybe girls keep their balls
on the inside of their tummies?

Butters, we're done talking about
girls balls right now! Pay attention!

- We got it! We got it!
- We got the list from the girls!

Give that back,
you dirty buttholes!

Tape it to the wall, Kenny!
Jason, watch the door!

It's listed in order
from cutest to ugliest.

Clyde's number one.

Me?
I'm the cutest?

- And then Token and then me.
- I'm number two? Wow!

Come on, let me see!
Let me see!

Oh boy! I'm number 11!
Whoopie! Number 11!

Ah! Look at that!
I'm hotter than you, fatso!

What?!
That's bullcrap!

Oh, so big deal, guys!
Do you feel better now?

Clyde's the best-looking kid
in the class.

And then Token and Stan.

And last is Francis,
Cartman, and...

Me?

You're last, dude!

- No way.
- Yes way! Check it out!

- Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.
- So? I'm hotter than Kyle.

I'm better looking than Kyle!
Yes! I'm hotter than Kyle!

I'm hotter than Kyle!

I'm last? Last?

Dude, it's just
a stupid list, remember?

I got voted the ugliest boy
in whole class?

Who cares
what dumb girls think, right?

Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid
in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!

- Well, good for you, Butters.
- Way to go, champ.

Whoopie!

Well, guess
we don't have to ground him.

Kyle, what's the matter?
You barely touched your knishes.

The girls at school. They made a list
and voted me the ugliest boy.

What? That's ridiculous.
My little bubbeleh is adorable!

Look, I know I'm not
the best-looking guy in town,

but I-I didn't think
I was the very ugliest.

You're not ugly, Kyle.
You're my perfect little man.

You look
just like your father.

Oh God! I do?

But he has
his mother's nose.

Kyle, you are very handsome
and perfect in every way.

Ike, Ike, you have to be honest.
Am I ugly, yes or no?

You all think I'm ugly.

Jesus Christ, the least
you could have done is told me!

Kyle, come back here!

I'm better-looking
than you!

The girls think I'm better-looking
than you, Kyle!

Dude, Kyle.
Can you hear me?

They totally think
I'm hotter than you are.

Kyle!

Kyle, I'm more attractive.

Kyle?

Clyde, it's time
to be getting to bed.

Hey, what's going on?

What's going on?
Hey.

Oh yeah, hey, wassup?
What's going on?

Nice.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, Clyde.

- Hey.
- Hi, Clyde.

What's going on?

Hey, ugly!

Hey, Kyle.

Look man, it doesn't matter
what people think, okay?

You know, Abraham Lincoln
was super ugly too,

but look
what he accomplished.

Chin up, cowboy.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Oh, not much, just hanging around--

Hey, nice, nice ears.
Pizza Face!

Butters, that's not cool, man.
He can't help how he looks.

Kyle, I was going to suggest
that maybe you should...

hang out with the other ugly kids
in the school.

Because if you hang out with them,
you won't stand out so much. Right?

Cool.

Hey.

Hello.

Are you going
to eat your pickle?

Could somebody toss the football back?
It's over there next to the ugly kids.

I hate coming to this school.
It makes me angry.

Yeah.

Sometimes, I just want
to burn it down.

Burn the whole school
down to the ground!

No. You know what?
Screw this! We aren't ugly!

- We're not?
- No!

Maybe we all just need a little image
change, you know? Like a makeover.

Hey, yeah.

Like you! Maybe you just need
to let your hair down.

And let's see how you look without
those glasses.

Let's just
put those back on.

I know, that song
is so awesome.

- Wendy. Could I talk to you?
- Of course, Stan.

Just for a minute.
Over here.

You think he's gonna beg her
to come back to him?

This is a nice surprise. I thought
you were never speaking to me again.

Yeah well, I wanna talk to you
about this list you girls made.

Which one?
We make lists all the time.

The one where you rated
the boys' looks in the class.

Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay?
How could you vote him the ugliest?

Look, personally, I didn't vote him
the ugliest.

My vote
was for Eric Cartman.

But enough of the other girls
must have felt he was--

So it was unanimous.
Maybe you can just change the list.

Change the list? Do you have
any idea what that would take?

Maybe you don't understand
how important list-making is to girls!

It's just not something
we do flippantly.

There's protocol!

Can't we just talk to all
the girls who made the list

and find out
why they voted Kyle last?

All right, I'll try and get you
into our next list-making meeting.

But it won't be easy.

Today's list meeting is called to order.
Rebecca, you have the floor.

If it pleases and sparkles, I suggest
we continue deliberations on List 47D:

Which Girl
Has The Cutest Purse?

Rebecca moves we work on List 47D.
Does that sparkle with all the girls?

Sunshine.

Deliberating "Which Girl
Has The Cutest Purse"?

Milly has the floor.

If it pleases and sparkles,

I would like to submit that
Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest.

Definitely cuter
than Teresa's.

I don't think anyone here disagrees that
Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's,

but it doesn't make it
the cutest.

The committee
has already decided

that nothing with stripes can be
in the top five cutest purses.

Sunshine Sparkle
Wendy has the floor.

If it pleases and sparkles,
I would like to suggest that we...

That we reopen
last week's list for debate.

Is she actually crazy?

Is she crazy?

All right, come
before the Rainbow Railing.

Go ahead.

I was just thinking that
maybe you voted a little

hastily
on the cutest boy?

You thought
you should be number one?

No.

Let me assure you that no list
is made hastily by this committee.

He didn't mean that.

He was just saying maybe we should
open it up again for discussion.

I cannot, by Sparkle Law,
move to have an old list investigated.

However, if you can find recourse
for such an inquiry, Wendy,

I would review it.

Does that sparkle
with all the girls?

Sunshine.

They all laugh
at me!

And the girls
giggle behind my back!

Unable to even glance
at my disfigured face.

Do not burn
down the school, Kyle.

- Who said that?
- I did.

- Do you know who I am?
- Abraham Lincoln?

I am Abraham Lincoln.

Burning down the school
will not solve your problems.

You think you've been cheated
because you are ugly,

but I am here to show you otherwise.
Come! There is much to see.

I want you
to look in here.

This woman is
Nancy Pinkerton.

As a child,
she was consistently voted

the most beautiful girl
in her entire school.

Her life as a youth
was filled with praises

and everything
being handed to her.

Boys told her she was special.
She was funny. She was interesting.

But that's only
because she was hot.

It wasn't until she reached age 40,
when her looks started to fade,

that she learned she was actually
about as interesting and special,

as a wet carrot.

This is the home of
your new ugly friend, Yamal.

Because he's ugly,
he gets nothing handed to him.

He has to work at making
something of himself.

But that work is gonna pay off
when he's an adult.

He will have character,

something kids who are hot
rarely develop.

Like your classmate, Clyde.

Now that he knows
he's good-looking,

he doesn't have to make
any effort to be special.

No, Rebecca's just a friend.
I wanna be with you now.

Sure, yeah,
I'll buy you some shoes too.

Now his life
will be about girls.

Chatting with them on the phone
and buying them shoes.

He will most likely
marry very young,

and not realize until age 40
that he's a total douche.

And so you see, Kyle, it is actually
the beautiful kids who are cursed.

But I can't wait
to be an adult to be happy.

That's forever from now.

- You must be patient.
- Just take me home!

I don't wanna be here anymore.
Take me home!

Very well.

Kyle, you need to think about
what I've told you.

I don't want to! I don't want anybody
telling me how to feel anymore!

Well then,
you're just a fucking asshole!

Wait a minute. Wait, Stan,
I think I've got something!

Take a look at this: During final
deliberation of the list for cutest boy,

seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating
of only one sparkle.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

It doesn't add up.

It is possible
that Rebecca made a mistake

when she tallied the sunshine votes
onto the final list.

Oh, hey, Wendy.

Hey, Rebecca.

Do you still have the voter cards
for the list that rated the boys' looks?

Wendy, we're done
with that list.

I know, but I think
there's been a mistake.

Six of the girls I've talked to
didn't vote Clyde the cutest.

That means that mathematically,
he should have been--

All right, you need to stop...
digging... around, Wendy!

You might not
like what you find!

Just back off
and stop asking questions!

You're getting close to a secret that
I don't think you can handle. Let it go!

That didn't sparkle
with her, did it?

One canister of propane,
six cans of lighter fluid,

seven gallons of high-octane kerosene
and a box of matches.

Okay, is that everything,
little boy?

That should
just about do it.

Do you like to put this on
your True-Value card today?

Honorary Chair,
Mrs. Secretary,

I believe a member of our committee
has tampered with one of our lists.

I've compiled a full report
and it turns out that

nobody voted Clyde
the cutest in the class.

I believe Rebecca changed the list
to make him number one.

- Why would she do that?
- Right after the list was made,

Rebecca started going out
with Clyde.

You can read
all the discrepancies in here.

We need
to remake that list.

You just couldn't
let it go.

- What do you mean? Call the girls in.
- I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy!

Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father
owns the shoe store at the mall?

A lot of us have always wanted
to date Clyde to get free shoes,

but we couldn't, because
he wasn't popular enough.

You knew!

Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde
in the bottom five of the list!

That's why we had
to manipulate the votes,

forge a new list
and hide the real one.

So that you all could justify
dating Clyde and get shoes?

How dare you take advantage
of your position!

I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both
disbarred from the list committee!

Bebe? Who do you think
authorized the buyout?

No. Not Bebe.

She's dating Clyde now.
Nobody loves shoes more than her.

What's going on?

When the other girls find out
you ignored their votes, they're gonna--

Do you really think they'll believe you
over the heads of the committee?

We'll simple generate a new list!
"Biggest Liars"!

And put you at the top!

Do yourself a favor, Wendy.
Just let it go.

And keep
your little mouth shut!

I don't think so!

Stan, run!

Jesus, dude!

Hey, kid,
have you seen Kyle?

We've looked everywhere
and we have to show him something.

- He's burning down the school.
- What?

He said he gonna burn the school
down to the ground.

All the cruel jokes and ridicule
will finally be over!

Are you happy now, God?
You made me look like this!

- Kyle! Kyle, don't!
- Don't try and stop me, Stan!

You don't know how it feels to be
a deformed monstrosity!

The list
was a forgery, Kyle!

It didn't sparkle with all the girls.
We have the real list.

That's about far enough!
Give me that list, Wendy!

- Stan, what is going on?
- It was about shoes, Kyle.

The girls wanted shoes,
so they set you up.

Kyle was simply
a casualty.

To move Clyde meant Craig
had to be moved to number twelve,

which moved Jimmy down
and moved Jason up!

So what number
was I?

You've compromised everything!
Our list's integrity!

Did you see these shoes, Wendy?
They're incredible!

It doesn't matter how incredible
they are. You can't--

- Oh my God, those are amazing.
- Right?

- Is that a lace across the top?
- No, it's a little strap.

Wendy?

Oh. But it doesn't matter.
You took it too far!

If you hadn't gone
all Nancy Drew on us,

this would have
just gone away!

- She's gonna kill us?
- It's too late, Bebe.

I've already made a full report and sent
a copy to the police. People will know.

Oh please, you're lying.

Give it up, Bebe.
We know all about it.

The list was compromised.

Kyle Broflovski is not
the ugliest boy in the class.

Wendy!

- Wait, I didn't do anything wrong.
- You can explain all that downtown.

Here, Kyle.

We've been through a lot,
but you can finally see

where you really are
on the list.

Are you sure
you're okay with this, Kyle?

I'm sure.
Abe Lincoln was right.

I don't wanna find out
I'm good-looking

and become a total shithead
when I grow up.

Abe Lincoln?

Stan, it's been really great
hanging out with you again.

I feel like you've changed somehow.
In a really awesome way.

Yeah well, I guess a lot of things
change, don't they?