South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Fantastic Easter Special - full transcript

"Fantastic Easter Special"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

...In my Easter Bonnet,
with all the frills upon it,

I'll be the grandest lady
in the Easter parade.

Look at that one, huh?



Half purple and half yellow
with a Chikadee sticker.

I'm good.

Uh, can I ask a question?

Why do we do this?

Wha... what do you mean,
"Why do we do this?" It's Easter!

Right, so,
why do we color eggs?

Well, so that the
Easter bunny can hide them.

Yeah, but why?

Stanley, Easter celebrates
the day that Jesus was resurrected

after being crucified
for our sins.

So we dip eggs in colored vinegar
and a giant rabbit hides them?

That's right.

You don't see the missteps
in logic with that?

Look, I'm just saying that somewhere
between Jesus dying on the cross



and a giant bunny hiding eggs there
seems to be a, a gap of information.

Stanley, just dye
your goddamned eggs!

I don't feel like coloring eggs!
I don't get it!

What is wrong with him?

Well, he's just
getting older, Randy.

Maybe he figured out
the Easter bunny isn't real.

You know so little!

And I want a Baltor
soldier doll for Easter,

and five Crash'n'Go RC cars,
you got that?

Do you have that?!

- Ahh, don't you think that's--
- No, no! You don't ask me questions.

You are a rabbit!
I am a human.

So if you don't bring me what I want
for Easter, I can fucking kill you!

Smile!

Bye, Easter bunny!

Oh my God.

All right, can you please explain
to me what's going on?

Huh?

What is the deal with
the coloring the eggs

and you hiding them
and all that?

What does that have to do
with Jesus dying on the cross?

Is it symbolic?

Are you trying to reference something
that happened in Biblical times?

Answer me!

Look, kid ahh, I'm j--
I'm just a guy in a costume.

I know that!

But I figure you must have
some knowledge of what Easter's about

if you're playing the
Easter Bunny at the mall!

Easter's just Easter.
Just, just go with it, kid.

No, I'm not gonna
just go with it!

I'm gonna find out
what's behind all this!

I need a break.
Can I have a break?

We have a problem.

Somebody's onto us.

Yeah, he's askin'
a lot of questions.

Only a matter of time before
he finds out what Easter's really about.

Yes, I understand
what must be done.

Call the others.

Mom? Dad?

Anybody home?

Not now, Stanley,
I'm on the toilet.

- Dad! You've gotta help me!
- Hang on, I'm taking a crap.

Dad! There's Easter bunnies
chasing me!

What?

They chased me from the mall!
I don't know what they want!

They're coming in!
Dad, open the door!

Dad?

We... need to talk, Stan.

I--It's okay, guys.

- Randy?
- Yeah.

'Cause it turns out the kid
we're after is my son.

Ohh.

Tell the Grand Hare
everything is okay.

I'll take it from here.

I wanted to keep this
from you, Stan.

I really wanted to wait
until you were older but...

You just had to keep
asking questions!

Why were those other
rabbit guys chasing me?

We have to be careful when
we think somebody's onto us.

We are all part of
a secret society, Stan.

A very ancient,
very important society of men

who follow the way of the Rabbit, and
protect the secret of the Easter bunny.

We are called...
the Hare Club For Men.

Does Mom
know about this?

Duh, it's the Hare Club For Men.
Chicks wouldn't understand.

I don't understand!

I belong to a secret society that
has been around for thousands of years!

Our identities
have to be protected!

Could, could you,
take off, the ears, please?

Stan, you don't seem to
understand how serious this is!

The secret of Easter
that we protect

is something that could rock
the foundation of the entire world!

So what is
the secret of Easter?

I can't tell you. You have to be
allowed into the Society first, but...

but perhaps...
it's time.

I always knew
this day would come,

when my son would be
brought into the society.

Reminds me of the day
I was brought in by my father.

- Grandpa's in it too?
- Of course.

Marshes have been in the
Hare Club For Men for generations.

All the way
back to the beginning.

Dad, do I have to wear this bag
over my head the entire time?

You aren't a member yet. You can't know
where our secret meetings take place.

We're going
to a distant location,

an old building near
a lake about 40 minutes away.

You mean
the old Galveston Lodge?

Damnit.

- Hey Bill.
- Evenin' Marcus.

- Heh heh hey, look at you!
- Hey everybody.

Stan Marsh, welcome!
You must be very excited.

Must I?

There he is!
There's my grandson!

- Hi, Grandpa.
- I'm proud of ya, Billy.

Stan.

Attention, members!

Tonight, we determine if a new member
is worthy of protecting the Secret.

Bring out...
the rabbit.

Sanctum Piter oteum,
Deus ore uneum.

Hippitus hoppitus
reus homine.

In suspiratoreum,
lepus in re sanctum.

Hippitus hoppitus
Deus Domine.

All hail the cute rabbit,
Snowball!

Hail Snowball.

Stan Marsh,

are you ready to hear
the secret of Easter?

- Yeah.
- Are you sure, son?

Once you hear the secret, you will be
bound to The Hare Club For Men forever.

Yeah, I wanna know already.

Very well.

At the Last Supper,
Jesus Christ met with his 12 disciples.

It was there that--

- They found us!
- Protect Snowball!

They're everywhere!

Come on,
we've gotta go!

Stan, take Snowball
and get out of here!

- Where am I supposed to go?
- Just get out of here!

Where is the rabbit?

Where are you taking us?

No! I'm not goin' anywhere!

Jesus Christ!

Who did you give
the rabbit to?

Search the area!
The boy could not have gotten far!

Oh no...

Help.

What happened?

My Dad's in a rabbit-worshiping
cult called the Hare Club For Men,

they protect the secret of Easter
but before they said what it was,

they were attacked by ninjas
and put me in charge of Snowball.

I'm kind of fingerpainting
right now.

Dude, they took my Dad away.
They even shot one of his fellow hares.

And now
they're after me!

Do you know
anything about Easter?

What is the connection between
Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?

Dude, I'm Jewish.
I have no idea.

Nelson.

Nelson?
Nelson, say something.

My legs. I...
I think they're broken.

Nelson, do you know where we are?
Where did they take us?

Don't know. We traveled for hours...
kept blacking out...

You...

Hi, we'd like to speak
to a Professor Teabag?

- What is it in regard to?
- The history of Easter.

Sorry boys, it's a little late
for me to be giving lectures.

Please? Do you know anything
about the Hare Club For Men?

The Keepers?
The Guardians of the Secret?

My dad is in it.
This... rabbit is too somehow.

Come on in.

The Hare Club For Men
has been around for centuries.

One of its most famous members
was Leonardo da Vinci.

Behold the Last Supper.

The dinner Christ had with his disciples
the night before he was crucified.

What food do you see
on the table?

- Just bread...
- Really?

Look to Jesus' right.

The food which is a little
different color than the others.

It kind of looks like...
an egg.

Yes. The egg
marks the secret.

It lies directly in front of...
Saint Peter.

Who is Saint Peter?

He was the disciple that
Jesus made into the first pope.

Eggsactly.

But there's something
the Church didn't tell you.

In actuality,
Peter wasn't a man at all.

Saint Peter... was a rabbit.

Peter Rabbit.

Of course, the Church wouldn't allow
da Vinci to paint Peter as a rabbit,

so he painted him as a man,
but left clues. Look closely.

- I don't see it.
- Look closelier.

- He looks like a guy.
- Look more closelier.

With laser technology,
we can look beneath the paint,

the way da Vinci
originally painted it.

That... is Saint Peter.

The original Pope
of Christianity.

I don't believe it.

Proof is everywhere.

Look at the Pope's hat.
It makes no sense,

except that it was originally
designed... for a rabbit.

But why would Jesus want
a rabbit to run his church?

Because Jesus knew
no one man

could speak for everyone
in a religion.

Men can be intolerant;
rabbits are pure.

But the Catholic Church buried
the truth, put a man in charge,

and the Hare Club For Men
has been decorating eggs ever since

to keep the secret in
da Vinci's painting alive.

So... the Vatican
took Stan's dad?

You dare to mock God by telling
people St. Peter was a rabbit?

You monster!
You have no right to wear that hat!

Trying to tell people that St. Peter
was a rabbit is blasphemy!

You must admit you are wrong
or burn in hell!

It's saying stupid things
like that

that made Jesus wanna
put a rabbit in charge.

I'm sorry I couldn't bring you
the rabbit, Your Holiness,

but they know
where it is!

The rabbit you call Snowball
is a threat to Christ's Church.

Where is the rabbit?

I don't know!
And even if I did know...

Well, I'd probably tell you
because I don't wanna be here anymore.

- Take him to be tortured!
- Tortured, huh, but Bill...

All this... torturing and ninjas,
it just doesn't seem very Christian.

You asked for the help
of the American Catholic League,

let us do our job!
Take him!

No! No, you bunny-hating bastards!
Don't do this!

I don't get it. Why would the Pope
be holding my Dad hostage for Snowball?

I believe Snowball must be a
direct descendant of St. Peter himself,

and therefore the true heir
of the Pope's throne.

Mr. Teabag!
Get out!

- They found me!
- Boys, get out of here!

Head to the woods!
I'll try to buy you some time.

Check upstairs!

Upstairs clear!
Try the office!

In here!

What's that?

Peeps!

So what now?

If the Pope has my dad...

I have to give him
what he wants.

You aren't just gonna hand
Snowball over?

What choice do I have?
There's nobody left who can help us!

Wait...

Unless...

maybe there is.

Here, hold this.

Jesus,

I know we haven't talked
in a long time,

and I know that every time you appear,
we end up killing you somehow, but...

I don't know
what to do.

And I could really use
your help.

I think the rabbit
just crapped on my jacket.

Live, from the Vatican,
it's our Easter Vigil coverage.

As Holy Saturday comes to an end,
the Easter Vigil at the Vatican begins.

Thousand have turned out
to hear the Pope

and celebrate the Resurrection.

For this Easter vigil, the Pope
is also showing his divine grace

by feeding the poor,
with a massive rabbit stew.

No!

No! No, don't put m--

Bill, this seems extreme.

The child who has the rabbit
has to know

that we are willing to kill the hostages
if he doesn't hand it over.

Your Holiness,
a child has arrived witha the rabbit!

You see?

Oh, thank God!

Hand it over, Stan!
They're gonna kill me!

Give them the rabbit!

Yes, hand it over!

First, you have to promise
you won't hurt it!

And that
you'll let everybody go!

- We promise.
- We swear it, on the cross.

Just hand over
the bunny, Stan!

Okay, fine.

Stanley,
why did you do that?

I would have proudly died
for that rabbit.

- You said, "Hand over the bunny."
- No!

That is not the way
we're remembering it!

Take them into custody!

Hey, what the hell!

Bill, we have zeh rabbit,
it's all we need.

Don't be soft,
Your Holiness!

These "whores" must be
punished in front of everyone!

You swore
on the cross, fatso!

Yeah.
Too bad for you...

it was a double cross!

Oh, we should've seen
that coming!

Bill, I'm not sure that double
crossing people is very Christian.

It is what
Christ would've wanted!

Who are you to say that?

It... can't be.

- Jesus!
- Jesus!

He is risen.
He is risen.

Let the voices sing
his praises on this holy day.

He is risen!

Jesus, we thought you died.
In Iraq.

I have the power of resurrection.
Or have you forgotten?

You all seem to have
forgotten a lot of things.

Jesus, you did
answer my prayer!

Actually, I was answering
the prayer of Nick Donovan.

Ohh, that's me. Neato!

This is exactly why I put a rabbit
in charge of the Church, Benedictus!

Because men are
so easily led astray.

St. Peter was a rabbit.
And a rabbit should be Pope.

- Kill him!
- What?!

He goes against the Church.
He must die!

All right,
that does it, Bill.

I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus
is not very Christian.

You are soft! Weak!

You leave me no choice:
take them!

What are you doing?!

I am ze Pope!

You are no longer able
to fulfill your duties to the Lord!

The Easter Vigil will go on
as planned!

Every Hare Club member,
young and old,

will watch as their
precious savior dies!

What is your problem, guy?

Lock up those two Jews!
We'll deal with them later.

No! No!

A strange turn of events
here at the Vatican:

Pope Benedictus
has stepped down,

ushering the new era of...
Pope Bill Donohue.

My people!

This Easter I'm gonna start
by making our rabbit stew

ten times meatier!

No! Listen!
We aren't rabbits!

Forgive me, Jesus.

We'll never get out in time
to stop him!

Don't you have
any superpowers?

Not as a mortal.
Only in death.

Wait. That's it.

We have no choice, Kyle.
You're going to have to kill me.

- What?
- Stab me with this.

If I die, I can resurrect
outside the bars.

N-no way!
Do it yourself.

Suicide is blasphemy.
There's no choice here, Kyle!

Dude, you don't understand,
I'm a Jew.

I have a few hangups
about killing Jesus.

Just make it quick. Through the neck.
I'll arise again immediately.

Don't make me
do this.

My son, there is no time.
Do it!

Eric Cartman can never
know about this.

I understand.
And Kyle,

- happy Easter.
- Happy Easter, Jesus.

Jesus?

Behold, no longer will Easter
be about bunnies and colored eggs!

Kill the rabbit!

Sorry, little bunny.

Snowball!

Jesus?

Stop!

That rabbit is
of holy descent!

Why won't you
go away?!

One man cannot be
the voice of the Church!

Enough of this blasphemy!
I'm the Pope now!

That means
I am the voice of God!

Not anymore.
I'm removing you from your position.

Yay!

All right, Jesus!

Sanctum Piter oteum,
Deus ore uneum.

Hippitus hoppitus
reus homine.

Your Holiness,

what should we tell the world
about how to run their lives?

It isn't
saying anything.

Yes, just as
a-Jesus intended it.

Stanley,
I'm so proud of you.

You've learned so
very much this Easter.

Yeah. I've learned
not to ask questions.

Just dye the eggs
and keep my mouth shut.

That's my boy.

Hippitus hoppitus
Deus Domine.