South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - The Snuke - full transcript
While trying to find a way to persecute the new Arab kid in his class, Cartman accidentally uncovers an unrelated plot to assassinate Hillary Clinton at a South Park political rally.
"The Snuke"
I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,
Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,
I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,
Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,
I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,
I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it.
So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,
All right, students,
let's take our seats.
Everyone try to be nice because
we have a new student joining us today,
and I know you'll all
make him feel welcome.
Say hello to Bahir Hassan
Abdul Hakeem.
Uh-oh.
- Welcome to our class, Bahir.
- Thank you.
Dude, dude, not cool!
Why don't you take a seat
in Kyle's empty desk for now?
Okay.
Eric, what the hell
is wrong with you?!
What's wrong?
- Has he been checked for bombs?
- Eric, that's enough!
Not all Muslim people
are terrorists!
No, but most of them are.
And all it takes is most of them.
Now you go, Bahir.
- Yeah?
- Kyle, are you on your computer?
- What? No, I'm sick.
- Get online.
I need you
to check something for me.
Dude, leave me alone.
Kyle, every one of our friends
might be in serious danger!
- What? Why?
- Get online now!
All right, all right.
Go to MySpace. See if there's
a MySpace page for a Bahir Hakeem.
"Bahir Hakeem."
Born in Chicago, eight years old,
his favorite color is green.
Cartman,
what is this all about?
Kyle, I want you to check
his buddy list.
How many MySpace friends
does he have?
Over a hundred.
Look further down the page.
Does he list his favorite band?
White Stripes.
- That's funny.
- What?
He told everyone in class today
his favorite band was Blink 182.
The following takes place between
recess and Geography class.
Hello?
Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary
is in serious danger!
From what?
Who is this?
I've just ID'd
a Muslim
and his MySpace page
does not check out.
You've got to get these
people out of here now!
Are you serious?
If I wasn't serious,
would I be talking like this?
Like what?
Whispering, but whispering really
loudly for dramatic effect.
Oh jeez.
What the hell?
All students are to evacuate
the school immediately!
Hey, Bahir, since
we get to go home,
you wanna come over
play checkers?
- Sure, okay.
- All right!
Dude.
Yeah.
Dude, I just got an IM from Stan
that they evacuated the school.
Yeah. Now do you believe me
that something is going on?!
I guess so.
Yeah, well I don't like it!
It doesn't follow!
What doesn't follow?
Why would a terrorist
just blow up a school?
It's not their M.O.
unless...
Oh my God! Unless this was
all just a big diversion.
Kyle, I need you to Google-search
the South Park Chamber of Commerce!
Okay.
Their website should have
a calendar of events.
Is there anything big
going on in town today?
- Yeah. Actually, there is.
- What?
There's a Hillary Clinton
campaign rally.
Cartman? Cartman?
Sir! There's somebody
calling in saying
there's going
to be a terrorist attack
on the Hillary Clinton
rally today.
What? This is CIA head,
Alan Thompson.
Mr. Thompson, you have to call off
the Clinton rally!
There's a terrorist
in South Park!
What do you know?
He just showed up
out of the blue!
I need to speak with
the President right away!
I'm the head of the CIA!
You can tell me!
I said I will only talk
to the President!
Look, if you have information
of a threat, you could--
I will have you
arrested for--
I can't hear you!
Only the president!
Call is coming through now,
Mr. President.
Hello?
President Bush,
it's Eric Cartman.
- Are we on a secure line?
- Huh? Who?
Look, I know you're not
the biggest Hildog fan,
but she is in great danger
right now!
Hildog?
Yes, I understand.
I'll let Ms. Clinton know.
What is it, Brian?
Ms. Clinton,
we just received word
of a possible terrorist attack
on your rally today.
Is the threat credible?
We aren't sure, but perhaps
it's best we call it off.
No. No, I will not be bullied
by terrorist threats.
Your men
do a good job, Brian.
I have faith that any thread will
be taken care of accordingly.
We've reached
the rally site, Hildog.
Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton,
I'm sure everything will be fine.
Thank you, Chris.
They know
about the bomb!
That is impossible!
We took every measure to assure
the bomb was hidden from sight.
Well, somebody tipped off
the CIA.
I don't know how much they know,
but security has been heightened.
That bomb must travel with
the Clinton rally to Boston!
The bomb won't make it
to Boston now!
With the heightened security,
it's only a matter of time
before they find it!
Then we have no choice.
We have to move up the attack.
- I understand, comrade.
- Prepare yourself.
We detonate the bomb
within the hour.
Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site,
but there's no sign of that kid!
- So then maybe you're wrong.
- Nope, I'm not wrong.
He must be somehow attacking
remotely from his house.
Did you find the address?
His parents moved into
that green house on Janice Street.
Jesus, that's on
the other side of town.
All right, Kyle, I'm going
to take a picture
with my camera phone
and upload it to you.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
- It's my balls!
Goddamnit Cartman!
Okay. Okay, Kyle,
let's stay focused here.
People of South Park,
it is my honor
to introduce a woman who
deserves nothing but respect.
Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!
It is so nice to be back in a small town
like the one I came from.
Hildog!
Otis Green, anything
on that bomb threat?
We have the bomb-smiffing pig
going through the crowd.
If there is a bomb,
the pig will find it.
This is why I campaign
in small towns like these!
Because it is in towns like South Park
that you find the true America!
- Oh my God, she got a scent!
- What?
The pig is picking up the smell
of nuclear residue.
Terrorists
have hidden a bomb!
Oh my God! Where?
Where could they have stashed it?
Come on, find it.
Find!
My God, they hid it
under the stage?!
No wait, look.
How much money do we have to waste
on needless spending
when we should be focusing
all our attention on...
on the education of all--
Whoa, there, girl.
On the education
of all children.
Oh, I declare!
Oh my God.
Do you think they could have hidden
a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
Mr. Thompson, that kid who called
in the warning was right!
We uncovered intel that terrorists
have obtained a nuclear device
and that they have most likely
hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's...
- Well, in her...
- In her what?
- In her snatch, sir.
- What?!
What is going on?
I wasn't finished.
Security measure, Mrs. Clinton.
Probably nothing.
Yes?
Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson
with the CIA.
We have reason to believe
that Mrs. Clinton
may have a nuclear device
up her snatch.
- A what?!
- A snatch.
It's the technical term
for vagina.
No, I mean what kind
of nuclear device?
Mr. Jeffries,
this is Frank Waters.
It's a suitcase nuke, designed
to fit in a woman's snizz.
It's called a snuke.
What is going on, Brian?
Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your snizz.
Oh my!
What can we do?
Can we disable the timer?
It won't have a timer.
Snukes are detonated remotely.
Whoever our terrorist is
has a detonator with him.
But then that means...
Yes. If we don't find
that detonator,
everyone in the town of
South Park is going to die.
Forever.
- Do we have that phone trace?
- The call is going through now, sir.
- Yeah?
- This is CIA head Alan Thompson.
- We spoke before about the--
- Yes, Mr. Thompson?
- Well, we've just arrived in your town.
- Why? Did you find something?
Yes. There's a suitcase nuke
in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
- A snuke?
- That's right.
It's controlled
by a remote detonator.
We have to locate the terrorist
before he sets it off.
I have the address of the house
the terrorist moved into.
I'm almost there now,
where are you?
We're on the town's main street,
right by an ice cream shop.
Oh dude, I'm,
I'm right next to you.
Oh, hey.
Dude, we totally got
let out of school.
I know.
Something big is going on.
Take a look at this.
I did a Google search for
"Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally", right?
And one of the links was to YouTube, where
this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.
- Russian?
- Yeah, this guy, Vladimir Stolfsky.
He had videos on YouTube
of every single rally.
So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
No. I cross-referenced
his YouTube profile with MySpace
and according to his blog,
he's an old-school Communist.
So what's he doing
at every Clinton rally?
Do a WebCrawler search, maybe
he has podcasts up somewhere.
Oh that's a good idea.
What is going on?
What have we done?
They claim they don't know anything
about an attack.
Big surprise!
Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't
find a snuke detonator anywhere.
Mr. Akim, where is your son?
We thought he was at school.
He's not at school?
- You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
- Do they know how long, Brian?
How long before the snuke
in my snizz goes off?
They'll find
the detonator, Hildog.
We can't wait for them
to find the detonator.
If we can get to the bomb,
maybe we can deactivate it.
Can't somebody go and take a look
inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?
I'm not sending
any of my men in there.
Are you almost ready
to set off the bomb?
Everything is set. We have
the detonator up and running.
Mr. Hakeem, we need
to know where your son is!
I tell you,
I do not know.
This is getting us nowhere.
If he knows anything, he's not saying.
- Let me have time with him.
- What are you going to do?
We have to find that detonator!
Let me have time with him!
- You will tell me where your son is!
- He should be at school!
Hey!
- Where is the detonator?
- What detonator are you ta--
- I can do this all day.
- I don't know anything about a--
- Stop it! Really!
- You can make it stop!
I don't have the--
Are we just gonna
let this go on?
Okay, I got a text of
the Russian guy's podcast.
It's all a bunch of links
to eBay.
You should be able to
search his username on eBay
and see what he's been
buying and selling.
Ferris, set up over there.
Two of you can take that bed area.
- Hey!
- Donner, take over that station.
What's going on?
This apartment is being absorbed
by Homeland Security!
Homeland Security?
Look, your little game of going
over people's heads is over!
You could still work, but from now on
you answer to me, you got that?
- Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- I am!
Yeah, well,
not anymore you're not.
This department has just
been assigned to the FBI.
- That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- On order of the Secretary of Defense!
You had your shot,
now I'm in charge!
Not anymore you're not!
Orders just came down from Central!
They want ATF
handling this on all fronts!
All right people, from now on
you're answering to me!
Not anymore, they're not!
Orders from the President.
He wants this handled
by his staff personally.
Now Nelson is in charge.
Not anymore I'm not!
What are you going
to do to my wife?
Nothing if you tell me
where your son is!
We told you,
we don't know.
Do you know
what this is?
This is apple juice.
It gives me super bad farts.
Did he just inject himself
with apple juice?
- Where is your son?
- She doesn't know either.
I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting!
Where is your mother?
Answer it!
Hello? Hello Bahir.
Where are you?
- Who is Butters?
- Butters.
Bahir, one of your classmates
is keeping us hostage.
You filthy little rapscallion!
We got him!
I know where he is!
All right, where?
We'll send our people in.
- No, no, he's my lead.
- You're not going alone.
You blow in there and
you risk taking him down
without finding the detonator!
I'm going to find out
where it is!
All right, people, I'm in charge now
and we will find these terrorists.
Jarvis, I want you to check for
any terrorist chatter on AOL.
Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves!
Just Google-search it!
Are you telling me
how to do my job?
Yes.
There's a Russian guy named
Vladimir Stolfsky
who's got search engine hits
all over this thing.
Chase, search the name
Stolfsky on YouTube
and cross-reference it
with JDate!
Checking.
Look, these Russian guys all have blogs
talking about this
like it's just some big diversion
for something much bigger!
Sir, these kids are right. We've just
received intel that Russian terrorists
are believed to be responsible
for the threat.
- Where's the intel from?
- We just read it on Drudge Report.
Look, we already have
the guy's blog.
Maybe we can find an address
and check it out on MapQuest.
We do this my way!
I'm the one in charge!
- Not anymore you're not.
- Oh, snap.
I captured another one
of your pieces, Bahir.
Oh, hey Eric.
- Where is the detonator!
- The what?
You have exactly five seconds
before I start dropping
serious apple juice farts
on your face!
- One!
- Leave me alone!
Stop!
Hey, I was
about to win!
Stop, terrorist,
or I will shoot you!
Get in the van!
Uh, that's cool.
I'm actually not playing anymore.
Get in the van!
That's it! We don't have
a choice anymore!
Somebody is going to have to go in
and try to disarm the snuke manually!
No, it's too dangerous!
That snatch has not seen action
in over 30 years!
It could be toxic!
I'll do it!
I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Let me go! Please!
I am just a little boy!
You called and warned
the government of our plans!
What you don't know is that
we are simply mercenaries,
We were paid to set up the snuke so that
the real enemy of America could attack.
That's cool.
I'm fine with Muslims invading.
You really think Muslims are behind
this terrorist threat?
Uh yes, of course?
America had other enemies
before the Muslims, you know.
Who is America's
oldest enemy?
- The Russians?
- Before that.
- The Germans?
- Before that.
- The Germans again?
- Before that!
I am talking about
the oldest threat to America!
The greatest enemy
America has ever known!
You can't possibly mean...
Two hundred years
we've waited. Finally.
We will get those traitors
to the Crown!
Yes, Your Majesty?
The Russians are ready to set off
the diversion.
Full sail.
Full sail, your Majesty.
All right, Brian,
this is it.
Get in there and see
if you can disarm
the snuke
in Ms. Clinton's snatch.
All right.
I'm nearing her snizz now.
God help him.
- What do you see, Brian?
- It's dark. Cold.
You're doing fine, Brian.
Get as close as you can.
You have to look inside the snizz.
All right,
I'm looking.
Yes, I see...
I see the device!
You're doing great, Brian.
Hang in there.
There's um, metal housing.
Some kind of three-pronged
triggering mechanism that...
Wait, there's
something else here!
There's something...
Say again, Brian.
There's something perched
on the snuke's coil.
Oh God,
it's looking at me!
- Brian, get out of there!
- What-- What are you?
I've no qualms with you!
Stay back! Stay back I--
Brian? Brian,
what's happening?
It's eating my head!
It's eating my head!
Oh my!
I got it! I got it!
According to PayPal, the Russian guys
are just hired mercenaries
who had ads up on Craig's List
and got paid through eBay
so that person could be attacked
by the British.
- The British?
- Loyalist Red Coats!
Sir, I found the Russian's
eHarmony account!
It does list an address
in South Park!
All right!
MapQuest the address!
I'll use Google Maps.
It has live traffic.
Good thinking.
Sir, we have the terrorists' location.
IM'ing you now.
It was good knowing
you, comrade.
Please. Think about
what you are doing.
The British are just using you,
you're going to die.
Yes, but
we will be rich.
Left flank, prig prang
and clear! Go!
The game is over!
Get down on the ground!
How did they find us?
We know about everything! Your diversion
to help the Red Coats is over!
It doesn't matter.
The detonator is on a timer.
You are too late!
In three minutes.
What the hell?
- The power went out!
- Well, so then what time is it?
- Oh crap.
- Take 'em down!
No! I don't want to die
without being paid!
The detonator is secured, General.
You are cleared to proceed.
The Rebel Americans
know of our attack?!
- How?
- Fire at will!
Yes?
Your Majesty,
the attack has failed.
We were unable
to end the American Revolution.
I see.
Well, looks like we saved our country
from British rule once again.
Yeah. It just proves we need to learn
not to profile one race of people.
Because, actually,
most of the world hates us.
Well Bahir, I was thinking that maybe
I owe you an apology.
- Really?
- Yes.
But then I realized that
technically, I don't.
Because by being suspicious of you,
I saved your life and everyone else's.
So really, you own me an apology.
But that's cool.
You didn't save everyone, I did!
You were just out harrassing Muslims!
But if I hadn't called you
in the first place
to check out the Muslim,
you would have just stayed
in bed sick all day, right?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
checking out the Clinton rally.
That means my intolerance of Muslims
saved America.
That is
so missing the point.
Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb
from going off, yes or no?!
That's not the right way
to look at it, I--
Yes or no, Kyle?
No! Not,
not like you're saying.
But that's all I'm saying:
Today, bigotry and racism saved the day.
Bahir, you get this, right?
Bahir! Get away from
that disgusting child!
Get back home and start
packing your things!
We are leaving
this whole intolerant country!
Okay. Who got rid
of the Muslims, huh?
That was all me.
Simple thank you will suffice.
I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,
Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,
I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,
Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,
I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,
I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it.
So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,
All right, students,
let's take our seats.
Everyone try to be nice because
we have a new student joining us today,
and I know you'll all
make him feel welcome.
Say hello to Bahir Hassan
Abdul Hakeem.
Uh-oh.
- Welcome to our class, Bahir.
- Thank you.
Dude, dude, not cool!
Why don't you take a seat
in Kyle's empty desk for now?
Okay.
Eric, what the hell
is wrong with you?!
What's wrong?
- Has he been checked for bombs?
- Eric, that's enough!
Not all Muslim people
are terrorists!
No, but most of them are.
And all it takes is most of them.
Now you go, Bahir.
- Yeah?
- Kyle, are you on your computer?
- What? No, I'm sick.
- Get online.
I need you
to check something for me.
Dude, leave me alone.
Kyle, every one of our friends
might be in serious danger!
- What? Why?
- Get online now!
All right, all right.
Go to MySpace. See if there's
a MySpace page for a Bahir Hakeem.
"Bahir Hakeem."
Born in Chicago, eight years old,
his favorite color is green.
Cartman,
what is this all about?
Kyle, I want you to check
his buddy list.
How many MySpace friends
does he have?
Over a hundred.
Look further down the page.
Does he list his favorite band?
White Stripes.
- That's funny.
- What?
He told everyone in class today
his favorite band was Blink 182.
The following takes place between
recess and Geography class.
Hello?
Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary
is in serious danger!
From what?
Who is this?
I've just ID'd
a Muslim
and his MySpace page
does not check out.
You've got to get these
people out of here now!
Are you serious?
If I wasn't serious,
would I be talking like this?
Like what?
Whispering, but whispering really
loudly for dramatic effect.
Oh jeez.
What the hell?
All students are to evacuate
the school immediately!
Hey, Bahir, since
we get to go home,
you wanna come over
play checkers?
- Sure, okay.
- All right!
Dude.
Yeah.
Dude, I just got an IM from Stan
that they evacuated the school.
Yeah. Now do you believe me
that something is going on?!
I guess so.
Yeah, well I don't like it!
It doesn't follow!
What doesn't follow?
Why would a terrorist
just blow up a school?
It's not their M.O.
unless...
Oh my God! Unless this was
all just a big diversion.
Kyle, I need you to Google-search
the South Park Chamber of Commerce!
Okay.
Their website should have
a calendar of events.
Is there anything big
going on in town today?
- Yeah. Actually, there is.
- What?
There's a Hillary Clinton
campaign rally.
Cartman? Cartman?
Sir! There's somebody
calling in saying
there's going
to be a terrorist attack
on the Hillary Clinton
rally today.
What? This is CIA head,
Alan Thompson.
Mr. Thompson, you have to call off
the Clinton rally!
There's a terrorist
in South Park!
What do you know?
He just showed up
out of the blue!
I need to speak with
the President right away!
I'm the head of the CIA!
You can tell me!
I said I will only talk
to the President!
Look, if you have information
of a threat, you could--
I will have you
arrested for--
I can't hear you!
Only the president!
Call is coming through now,
Mr. President.
Hello?
President Bush,
it's Eric Cartman.
- Are we on a secure line?
- Huh? Who?
Look, I know you're not
the biggest Hildog fan,
but she is in great danger
right now!
Hildog?
Yes, I understand.
I'll let Ms. Clinton know.
What is it, Brian?
Ms. Clinton,
we just received word
of a possible terrorist attack
on your rally today.
Is the threat credible?
We aren't sure, but perhaps
it's best we call it off.
No. No, I will not be bullied
by terrorist threats.
Your men
do a good job, Brian.
I have faith that any thread will
be taken care of accordingly.
We've reached
the rally site, Hildog.
Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton,
I'm sure everything will be fine.
Thank you, Chris.
They know
about the bomb!
That is impossible!
We took every measure to assure
the bomb was hidden from sight.
Well, somebody tipped off
the CIA.
I don't know how much they know,
but security has been heightened.
That bomb must travel with
the Clinton rally to Boston!
The bomb won't make it
to Boston now!
With the heightened security,
it's only a matter of time
before they find it!
Then we have no choice.
We have to move up the attack.
- I understand, comrade.
- Prepare yourself.
We detonate the bomb
within the hour.
Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site,
but there's no sign of that kid!
- So then maybe you're wrong.
- Nope, I'm not wrong.
He must be somehow attacking
remotely from his house.
Did you find the address?
His parents moved into
that green house on Janice Street.
Jesus, that's on
the other side of town.
All right, Kyle, I'm going
to take a picture
with my camera phone
and upload it to you.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
- It's my balls!
Goddamnit Cartman!
Okay. Okay, Kyle,
let's stay focused here.
People of South Park,
it is my honor
to introduce a woman who
deserves nothing but respect.
Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!
It is so nice to be back in a small town
like the one I came from.
Hildog!
Otis Green, anything
on that bomb threat?
We have the bomb-smiffing pig
going through the crowd.
If there is a bomb,
the pig will find it.
This is why I campaign
in small towns like these!
Because it is in towns like South Park
that you find the true America!
- Oh my God, she got a scent!
- What?
The pig is picking up the smell
of nuclear residue.
Terrorists
have hidden a bomb!
Oh my God! Where?
Where could they have stashed it?
Come on, find it.
Find!
My God, they hid it
under the stage?!
No wait, look.
How much money do we have to waste
on needless spending
when we should be focusing
all our attention on...
on the education of all--
Whoa, there, girl.
On the education
of all children.
Oh, I declare!
Oh my God.
Do you think they could have hidden
a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
Mr. Thompson, that kid who called
in the warning was right!
We uncovered intel that terrorists
have obtained a nuclear device
and that they have most likely
hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's...
- Well, in her...
- In her what?
- In her snatch, sir.
- What?!
What is going on?
I wasn't finished.
Security measure, Mrs. Clinton.
Probably nothing.
Yes?
Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson
with the CIA.
We have reason to believe
that Mrs. Clinton
may have a nuclear device
up her snatch.
- A what?!
- A snatch.
It's the technical term
for vagina.
No, I mean what kind
of nuclear device?
Mr. Jeffries,
this is Frank Waters.
It's a suitcase nuke, designed
to fit in a woman's snizz.
It's called a snuke.
What is going on, Brian?
Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists
have snuck a snuke up your snizz.
Oh my!
What can we do?
Can we disable the timer?
It won't have a timer.
Snukes are detonated remotely.
Whoever our terrorist is
has a detonator with him.
But then that means...
Yes. If we don't find
that detonator,
everyone in the town of
South Park is going to die.
Forever.
- Do we have that phone trace?
- The call is going through now, sir.
- Yeah?
- This is CIA head Alan Thompson.
- We spoke before about the--
- Yes, Mr. Thompson?
- Well, we've just arrived in your town.
- Why? Did you find something?
Yes. There's a suitcase nuke
in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
- A snuke?
- That's right.
It's controlled
by a remote detonator.
We have to locate the terrorist
before he sets it off.
I have the address of the house
the terrorist moved into.
I'm almost there now,
where are you?
We're on the town's main street,
right by an ice cream shop.
Oh dude, I'm,
I'm right next to you.
Oh, hey.
Dude, we totally got
let out of school.
I know.
Something big is going on.
Take a look at this.
I did a Google search for
"Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally", right?
And one of the links was to YouTube, where
this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.
- Russian?
- Yeah, this guy, Vladimir Stolfsky.
He had videos on YouTube
of every single rally.
So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
No. I cross-referenced
his YouTube profile with MySpace
and according to his blog,
he's an old-school Communist.
So what's he doing
at every Clinton rally?
Do a WebCrawler search, maybe
he has podcasts up somewhere.
Oh that's a good idea.
What is going on?
What have we done?
They claim they don't know anything
about an attack.
Big surprise!
Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't
find a snuke detonator anywhere.
Mr. Akim, where is your son?
We thought he was at school.
He's not at school?
- You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
- Do they know how long, Brian?
How long before the snuke
in my snizz goes off?
They'll find
the detonator, Hildog.
We can't wait for them
to find the detonator.
If we can get to the bomb,
maybe we can deactivate it.
Can't somebody go and take a look
inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?
I'm not sending
any of my men in there.
Are you almost ready
to set off the bomb?
Everything is set. We have
the detonator up and running.
Mr. Hakeem, we need
to know where your son is!
I tell you,
I do not know.
This is getting us nowhere.
If he knows anything, he's not saying.
- Let me have time with him.
- What are you going to do?
We have to find that detonator!
Let me have time with him!
- You will tell me where your son is!
- He should be at school!
Hey!
- Where is the detonator?
- What detonator are you ta--
- I can do this all day.
- I don't know anything about a--
- Stop it! Really!
- You can make it stop!
I don't have the--
Are we just gonna
let this go on?
Okay, I got a text of
the Russian guy's podcast.
It's all a bunch of links
to eBay.
You should be able to
search his username on eBay
and see what he's been
buying and selling.
Ferris, set up over there.
Two of you can take that bed area.
- Hey!
- Donner, take over that station.
What's going on?
This apartment is being absorbed
by Homeland Security!
Homeland Security?
Look, your little game of going
over people's heads is over!
You could still work, but from now on
you answer to me, you got that?
- Excuse me, who's in charge here?
- I am!
Yeah, well,
not anymore you're not.
This department has just
been assigned to the FBI.
- That's outrageous! On whose orders?
- On order of the Secretary of Defense!
You had your shot,
now I'm in charge!
Not anymore you're not!
Orders just came down from Central!
They want ATF
handling this on all fronts!
All right people, from now on
you're answering to me!
Not anymore, they're not!
Orders from the President.
He wants this handled
by his staff personally.
Now Nelson is in charge.
Not anymore I'm not!
What are you going
to do to my wife?
Nothing if you tell me
where your son is!
We told you,
we don't know.
Do you know
what this is?
This is apple juice.
It gives me super bad farts.
Did he just inject himself
with apple juice?
- Where is your son?
- She doesn't know either.
I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting!
Where is your mother?
Answer it!
Hello? Hello Bahir.
Where are you?
- Who is Butters?
- Butters.
Bahir, one of your classmates
is keeping us hostage.
You filthy little rapscallion!
We got him!
I know where he is!
All right, where?
We'll send our people in.
- No, no, he's my lead.
- You're not going alone.
You blow in there and
you risk taking him down
without finding the detonator!
I'm going to find out
where it is!
All right, people, I'm in charge now
and we will find these terrorists.
Jarvis, I want you to check for
any terrorist chatter on AOL.
Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves!
Just Google-search it!
Are you telling me
how to do my job?
Yes.
There's a Russian guy named
Vladimir Stolfsky
who's got search engine hits
all over this thing.
Chase, search the name
Stolfsky on YouTube
and cross-reference it
with JDate!
Checking.
Look, these Russian guys all have blogs
talking about this
like it's just some big diversion
for something much bigger!
Sir, these kids are right. We've just
received intel that Russian terrorists
are believed to be responsible
for the threat.
- Where's the intel from?
- We just read it on Drudge Report.
Look, we already have
the guy's blog.
Maybe we can find an address
and check it out on MapQuest.
We do this my way!
I'm the one in charge!
- Not anymore you're not.
- Oh, snap.
I captured another one
of your pieces, Bahir.
Oh, hey Eric.
- Where is the detonator!
- The what?
You have exactly five seconds
before I start dropping
serious apple juice farts
on your face!
- One!
- Leave me alone!
Stop!
Hey, I was
about to win!
Stop, terrorist,
or I will shoot you!
Get in the van!
Uh, that's cool.
I'm actually not playing anymore.
Get in the van!
That's it! We don't have
a choice anymore!
Somebody is going to have to go in
and try to disarm the snuke manually!
No, it's too dangerous!
That snatch has not seen action
in over 30 years!
It could be toxic!
I'll do it!
I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Let me go! Please!
I am just a little boy!
You called and warned
the government of our plans!
What you don't know is that
we are simply mercenaries,
We were paid to set up the snuke so that
the real enemy of America could attack.
That's cool.
I'm fine with Muslims invading.
You really think Muslims are behind
this terrorist threat?
Uh yes, of course?
America had other enemies
before the Muslims, you know.
Who is America's
oldest enemy?
- The Russians?
- Before that.
- The Germans?
- Before that.
- The Germans again?
- Before that!
I am talking about
the oldest threat to America!
The greatest enemy
America has ever known!
You can't possibly mean...
Two hundred years
we've waited. Finally.
We will get those traitors
to the Crown!
Yes, Your Majesty?
The Russians are ready to set off
the diversion.
Full sail.
Full sail, your Majesty.
All right, Brian,
this is it.
Get in there and see
if you can disarm
the snuke
in Ms. Clinton's snatch.
All right.
I'm nearing her snizz now.
God help him.
- What do you see, Brian?
- It's dark. Cold.
You're doing fine, Brian.
Get as close as you can.
You have to look inside the snizz.
All right,
I'm looking.
Yes, I see...
I see the device!
You're doing great, Brian.
Hang in there.
There's um, metal housing.
Some kind of three-pronged
triggering mechanism that...
Wait, there's
something else here!
There's something...
Say again, Brian.
There's something perched
on the snuke's coil.
Oh God,
it's looking at me!
- Brian, get out of there!
- What-- What are you?
I've no qualms with you!
Stay back! Stay back I--
Brian? Brian,
what's happening?
It's eating my head!
It's eating my head!
Oh my!
I got it! I got it!
According to PayPal, the Russian guys
are just hired mercenaries
who had ads up on Craig's List
and got paid through eBay
so that person could be attacked
by the British.
- The British?
- Loyalist Red Coats!
Sir, I found the Russian's
eHarmony account!
It does list an address
in South Park!
All right!
MapQuest the address!
I'll use Google Maps.
It has live traffic.
Good thinking.
Sir, we have the terrorists' location.
IM'ing you now.
It was good knowing
you, comrade.
Please. Think about
what you are doing.
The British are just using you,
you're going to die.
Yes, but
we will be rich.
Left flank, prig prang
and clear! Go!
The game is over!
Get down on the ground!
How did they find us?
We know about everything! Your diversion
to help the Red Coats is over!
It doesn't matter.
The detonator is on a timer.
You are too late!
In three minutes.
What the hell?
- The power went out!
- Well, so then what time is it?
- Oh crap.
- Take 'em down!
No! I don't want to die
without being paid!
The detonator is secured, General.
You are cleared to proceed.
The Rebel Americans
know of our attack?!
- How?
- Fire at will!
Yes?
Your Majesty,
the attack has failed.
We were unable
to end the American Revolution.
I see.
Well, looks like we saved our country
from British rule once again.
Yeah. It just proves we need to learn
not to profile one race of people.
Because, actually,
most of the world hates us.
Well Bahir, I was thinking that maybe
I owe you an apology.
- Really?
- Yes.
But then I realized that
technically, I don't.
Because by being suspicious of you,
I saved your life and everyone else's.
So really, you own me an apology.
But that's cool.
You didn't save everyone, I did!
You were just out harrassing Muslims!
But if I hadn't called you
in the first place
to check out the Muslim,
you would have just stayed
in bed sick all day, right?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
checking out the Clinton rally.
That means my intolerance of Muslims
saved America.
That is
so missing the point.
Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb
from going off, yes or no?!
That's not the right way
to look at it, I--
Yes or no, Kyle?
No! Not,
not like you're saying.
But that's all I'm saying:
Today, bigotry and racism saved the day.
Bahir, you get this, right?
Bahir! Get away from
that disgusting child!
Get back home and start
packing your things!
We are leaving
this whole intolerant country!
Okay. Who got rid
of the Muslims, huh?
That was all me.
Simple thank you will suffice.