South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - Lice Capades - full transcript

"Lice Capades"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

All right students,
let's take our seats.

Apparently, we have a little problem
here at the school,

which we need to talk about.



Ah yes. You mean
the Jew problem.

Good, good. I'm glad we're finally
gonna do something about it.

No, I mean
the problem of head lice.

There's been a lice breakout
at a school in Denver,

and we need to make sure
nobody spreads it here.

- Somebody might have lice?
- Ewww!

So today you're all
going to the gymnasium

to have your scalps examined.

Uh, th-that is
completely unnecessary.

Everyone knows that
only poor people can get lice.

The only person
that can spread it here is Kenny.

What? Fuck you!

I'm sure this class is clean,

but we're gonna be examined
so that if anyone has the lice,



we can stop it
before it spreads.

Lice can live in
anybody's hair.

Hello, Kelly.
How's my baby?

You mean me
or the little one?

I mean both.

Well, besides a little loneliness
waiting for Daddy to come home,

I guess we're both okay.

How did a louse like me get so lucky
to have a louse like you?

Luck had nothing
to do with it, Travis.

You okay?

Sometimes, I just worry
what kind of world

our baby
is gonna grow up in.

I need to run up to the forest
and do another sediment analysis.

I'm worried we might be
overworking the tertiary layer.

All students, make sure
you're in line according to your grade.

When you reach
the front of the line,

you will go behind the curtain
and remove any hats to be checked.

Boy, I sure hope
they don't find lice in my hair.

What do you think happens
if you do have it?

They drag you out of here,

put you in this big
containment facility,

where they stick a cold metal pipe
up your ass with this clear jelly,

and then
they shock your balls.

I'm clean! I knew I didn't
have any stupid lice!

This is ridiculous.

All this just so they can send Kenny
and his stupid head lice home.

Hey! Fuck you!

Have a seat on the stool.

- Uh-oh, looks like you've got 'em.
- What?

You have lice. Let's see...
Clyde Harris, is it?

Oh my God.
Oh Christ, no!

Now now, it's all right.

We're going to call your parents
and get you to your doctor.

Please, ya-you don't understand.

The other kids are gonna
make fun of me forever!

I'm sure your friends
aren't that cruel.

Yes, they are!

Mr. President! Mr. President!
I believe we have a serious problem!

The environment...
is changing.

I believe it is somehow
reacting to our presence on it.

And what do you base
this on?

Look, this is
the world, right?

But now, think of the world
as... a living being.

If it were somehow conscious,

then it would ultimately become
aware of our effect on it.

Huh, right, the world is conscious.
It makes perfect sense.

Hello. Anybody?

If we have made
too much of an impact,

then that consciousness
would try to snuff us out!

I think we're looking
at a global catastrophe,

the likes of
which we've never seen!

Poodiggery and poppycock!

I think we need to put all resources
now into a full investigation,

perhaps even begin
a licewide evacuation.

Evacuation?! Tomorrow
is the Gootack Festival.

Do you know how much
money we would lose?

Escort Mr. Mayfield out.

The President can't be
bothered any further.

Damn you, Vice President Craig!
You could be killin' us all!

This is so... embarassing.

I have an ear infection.
What are you seeing the doctor for?

I have...
I have AIDS.

Clyde Harris?

Yeah, that's a pretty
bad lice problem there.

Good thing they pulled
you out of school.

But why me, doctor? Why me?!
How did I get this?!

Well, believe it or not, some lice can
actually attach themselves to flies,

and then wait for the fly
to land on someone's head

where they can reproduce.

And then the lice that
live in your head now

were probably all born there.

Sick!

This shampoo should take care of it.
Use this in the shower.

Your scalp may burn
a bit afterwards, but...

It should kill...
every last one of them.

Travis? Everything okay?

Kelly, I was just
thinkin' about our baby.

I want
to name her Hope.

- Hope?
- Hope for a... chance at tomorrow?

It's raining? Now?

Woo-hoo!
I love the rain!

Oh my God.

- We have to get out of here!
- What it, it's just rain.

We have to get
out of here now, Kelly!

What is that?

Run!

Everyone get up into the trees!
We have to get up high!

Come on, Kelly!

My God, Travis.
They're all dying!

Don't look, Kelly!
Don't look!

- What the hell is it?!
- Well it's okay, we're safe up here!

I don't think so!

- Travis!
- Kelly! Hang on!

I can't... hang on!

You have to!
For the baby!

Kelly! No!

No!

Okay, kids, today we're going to
review some Civil War history.

Who can tell me

- what year the war started?
- Wait, wait, whoa whoa.

So what happened?

With what?

With the lice exam.
Did they find anybody with lice?

Y-yes, some lice was discovered
and the proper action has been taken.

- Somebody in this class?
- Uh, yes.

Well, who was it?
It was Kenny, right??

That doesn't matter,
it's over.

Doesn't matter?!

If somebody had parasites
in their hair, we need to know who!

- It was Kenny, wasn't it?
- I wanna know who it was, too.

It's being
kept confidential!

There's a policy in the schools
not to single out a kid who has lice

because of the embarassment
it can cause, okay?!

That is bullcrap!

You are denying
our rights as children

to totally rip on that kid and make him
or her feel like an outcast!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

And we have a right to know
which boy had lice

in his hair so we don't ever
go out with them!

How do we know
it was a boy?

It could just have easily been
one of you stupid girls!

Yeah!
Dumb girls!

The case is closed!
Whoever had the lice, they're dead now!

We're moving on
to Civil War history.

Ulysses S. Grant...

Hope.
Hope, you're alive.

My God...

Help me...
Help me...

Travis.
Over here!

Travis, if you hadn't
warned us

to get up in them trees,
we'd all be dead.

How many survivors?

Just the six of us.
And the vice president.

You son of a bitch!
You had a chance to stop this!

So help me, if we live through this,
I'm gonna see you rot in prison!

- What do we do now?
- We aren't out of this yet!

You two look
for other survivors.

You get whatever food you can
and bring it back here.

Who put you in charge?!

God did!
When he killed my wife!

All right, the person who had head lice
needs to speak up right now,

so that we know
to stay away from you!

Yeah, come on! We're gonna
find out sooner or later.

Okay, whoever you are,
you are now not only a licehead,

you're a liar! You're only
making this worse on yourself!

You know what?
I'll bet it was you!

Me?

This is exactly what you would do
if they found lice in your hair!

Try to lead the charge
against somebody else

to take the suspicion off
of yourself!

I don't think so, Kyle!

But you know what?!

This is exactly what you would do
if you had head lice!

Try to get
everyone to blame me!

You guys stop it!
This isn't getting us anywhere!

That's exactly what you would do
if you had head lice, Stan.

Yeah, try to have everyone make peace
so it doesn't seem like a big deal.

And this is exactly
what Kenny would do:

Stand here
and say nothing!

Hey guys,
what would I do?

Let's just get a magnifying glass
and look at everyone's heads.

It's too late. The treatment
would have killed it all.

Well I guess,
we're never gonna know.

There's no way to tell.

There's a way! There's a way to find out
who had sick-ass head cooties!

And I'm gonna find it!

It was him.
It had to have been him!

Yeah...

Or you.

Mark? Mark,
you have to hang on.

This isn't going to stop.
The world is rejecting us!

If we're gonna live,
we have to get off this planet.

How?

First we have to get out of the forest,
into the forbidden zone.

It's the only way we might
even see another planet!

The forbidden zone...
We'll be exposed. We'll die out there.

We'll die here!

Look, the world is getting rid of us!
Don't you get it?!

Getting rid of us?

You-you mean like it
knows what it's doing?

Yes! Because maybe we rolled
the dice too many times!

- I'm not leaving my husband.
- Yeah, I'll take my chances here.

You can all stay here.
I'm gonna try to save my baby.

I'll go with you.
There's nothing left for me here.

- I wanna go too.
- Not a chance.

Look, I know
I messed up, all right?

But I think you're right.

If we can get out of the forest,
we might find another place to live.

If we find anything,

we'll try to send help
for the rest of you.

Let's go. Come on if you're comin',
Mister Vice President!

Yeah.
Right behind you.

All right,
lock that door, Craig!

What's this about,
Cartman?

I've come up with a test
that can determine

if it was any of us
who had the head lice.

We're gonna find out once and for all
who had head cooties.

Lice feed on
a person's blood,

and just like mosquitoes, they leave
behind small traces of their saliva

in the host's bloodstream.

That saliva,
is monochromagnic.

So if an infected person's blood
is touched by--

this hot metal coil, say...

That person's blood will jump
10 meters into the air.

R--really?

That's retarded! You didn't come up
with that experiment, Cartman.

You saw it
in that movie, The Thing!

This is a scientific test,
designed to--

You saw it in The Thing and
you're wasting everyone's time!

I thought
you might say that, Kyle.

Because you don't want
to take the test, do you?!

Nobody's blood is going
to jump up in the air!

If it isn't going to work,
then what are you afraid of?

The only person who wouldn't
want to take the test

is somebody who was
worried it might work

and reveal that they
were the ones with lice!

Yeah. That's true.

I have no problem taking the test.
I have nothing to h--hide.

- Yeah. Me neither.
- All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test.

Everyone take a Petri dish
and a syringe.

We need at least 30 cc's of blood
from each one of you.

All right, now everyone back over there!
We'll start with what I already know.

Well, guess that proves Eric
wasn't the one with head lice.

It doesn't prove anything!

Yeah? Let's just see
what your blood does, Kyle!

Huh, I guess
you're clean.

Ye-you guys, we'd better go.
Recess is almost over.

It's all right,
it won't take much longer, just...

What the hell?!

Kenny!

No way.

You were right all along, Eric.
It was Kenny.

Of course I was right!
I told you only poor people get lice!

We've done it.
We've reached the forbidden zone.

I've always heard
stories about this place.

Never thought it was real.

It's real. Real as my love
for my unborn baby.

So what exactly
is your plan, Travis?

Our ancestors came here
from another world.

Maybe there's still other worlds
out there with life forms like us.

Maybe there's even a world where
they've learned to live with the planet

instead of just on it.

Travis. Travis,
you're so wise, so strong.

If we make it out of this,
I'd like to... be with you.

Sorry, babe, but my heart
is forever stenciled

in permanent ink
with the name Kelly.

- She was a lucky woman to have you.
- Luck had nothin' to do with it.

Sorry to cut
the honeymoon short!

Why you murdering bastard!

Your little fantasy
of another world ends here! Walk!

What the hell do you want,
Vice President?!

Walk!

Clyde, dude,
get down to the park.

We caught Kenny, and
we're all gonna let him have it!

What? What are you
gonna do to him?

He lied to us all!
He betrayed his kind!

We all know
what has to happen.

Grab a sock and a bar of soap,
and meet us at the park!

You guys, wait.

What, Clyde?

I... nothing.

All right, see you there!

Remember, bar of soap and a sock!
Kenny's gonna get it!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yeah! We're gonna
fu--fuck him up!

- Yello?
- Mrs. Garrison,

one of your students
is about to be attacked

at the park
by all the other students.

What? Who's going
to get attacked?

Who is this?!

Please just hurry to the park!
You have to stop them!

That's good!
That's far enough!

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna go back to the village,
start to rebuild,

mate with the females,
become... President!

Don't you get it?
The world doesn't want you here!

It's not gonna stop
until you're dead!

It was a disaster!
Disasters happen!

Then go ahead and die there,
I'm leavin' with my baby!

Actually, you're never
leaving here either, Travis!

Damn you! Why?!

Because when I'm President,

I can't have pests like you

constantly trying to preach
that the world is alive!

You're an idealistic fool!

The world is not "conscious."
We are conscious!

If the world was alive,
it would feel this!

You die he...

Kenny McCormick, you are charged with
bringing head cooties into our school,

and lying about it to cover your ass!
How do you plead?!

Not guilty!

Guilty! I thought so!

All right, let's do this!

You guys, maybe we should just...
wait a few more minutes?

All right, Kenny.
You know what has to happen!

Sock bath!

Everyone wash Kenny with the soap
and dry him off with the socks!

No! Not the socks!

Wait...
Stop it, stop it!

I can't let Kenny
be sock-dried.

He had cooties
and he lied about it!

Kenny didn't have
the head lice, all right?!

- It was me.
- What?

I was the one. I was too afraid
to say anything,

but I can't let Kenny be
sock-bathed for it.

Why are you saying that, Kyle?
You can't be the one who had head lice.

Because I was.

You're just trying
to make me feel bad

because you figured that out,
didn't you?!

Wait a--
Wait a minute, what?

Oh I get it. This is some kind
of big trick on me!

You've known I was the one
with head lice all along, huh?!

You had head lice?

Of course!

Why do you think
I went through that

elaborate bullcrap experiment
to frame Kenny?!

You all had head lice!
Every single person in the class!

The boys and the girls!
Lice spreads fast, you dumbasses!

- I thought I was the only one.
- Me too.

But that means...
that means Kenny was lying!

- Sock bath!
- Yeah. Sock bath!

Kelly.
Kelly, can you hear me?

I don't know if you can.

But... I wanted you to know I tried.
I tried to save our baby.

But I let you down, babe.

K-Kelly?

You are welcome here.

You're safe now.

We've lived here for generation after
generation, never being disturbed.

We made it, Hope.
We made it, Kelly!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Angelina Jolie!

Hello everyone!

Hello!