South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - D-Yikes! - full transcript

"D-Yikes"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

Everyone sit down
and shut the fuck up!

God dammit!
Stupid ass men!

They're all the same!



- Oh God. Here we go again.
- All men care about is sex.

I spent two hours getting
ready for that stupid date,

and when the bastard
checks out my body

he just says "Hey, did you used
to be a guy or something?!"

I'm a woman now,
so what's it matter?!

Oh, oh,
this isn't good.

Did I say something
to you, Sugartits?!

No, ma'am.

You boys make me sick,

you're well on your way to being men
who only think with their penises!

I am assigning all of you
weekend homework.

You are going to read Hemingway's
book "The Old Man and the Sea."

Have you lost your mind?

Dude, we can't read
an entire book in one weekend!



Oh, that's too bad, dude.

Maybe if you boys could keep
your penises in your pants once

in a while,
you'd get more done!

But teacher, my penis
never slips out my pants!

Except sometimes when
I'm wearing pajamas!

If you do not have an essay
written on Monday, then you will fail.

Is that clear?

Dude, how are we supposed
to read an entire book

over the weekend
and write an essay?

Our whole weekend
is shot!

What the hell
are we gonna do?

You guys,
you guys, relax.

We don't have to read the book
or write the essay.

We don't?

No, there's people you can hire
to do these kinds of things.

Que pasol?

Que pasol!

Looking for work? Si?
Trabajo?

- Yes.
- We all can work, si.

Okay, listen up, Mexicans.

We need to have you read
"The Old Man and the Sea" for us.

Caprende?
El old man y la mer.

- Okay.
- Sure, okay.

Here, we need you to work together,
read the book and write four essays.

Comprende?

La summararizia.

Okay, no problem.

- That's no problem.
- Yup, we can do that.

Si, la summarazia.

Okay, gracias.

- Gracias!
- Gracias!

Dude, that is awesome.
I had no idea you could do that.

Oh, yeah dude, having Mexicans
around kicks fucking ass.

They can all rot in hell!

Who needs men anyway?

They're goddamn arrogant,
self-centered assholes is what they are!

Are you okay, hon?

I just hate men
is all.

It's like all they care about is
how hot you look.

Yeah, I've never been
into men.

That's why
I work out here.

Since it's women only, we don't get
oogled at or feel self-conscious.

Tell me about it.

I can't even stretch
at a normal gym

without some guy trying
to stare down my vag.

I'm Allison.

Oh, I'm Janet.
Janet Garrison.

Sorry I'm so pissed off.

No, I like it.

You seem
like a very strong woman.

Yeah, I've been told that.

How come I've never seen
you down at the girl bar?

Girl bar?

I never even knew
there was such a place.

Oh, you'd love it.

It's the only bar in town where women
like us can hang out and be ourselves.

It's called 'Les Boux'.

- Hi, Linda. Hi, Kate.
- Hey, Allison.

Who is the new girl?

Allison always goes
for the butch ones.

Hey Nel, whassup Tracy.

What a great place!

All the girls here
seem to know each other!

Yeah, well, most of the girls here
have done each other.

Yeah!

Done what?

You know -- had sex.

Oh, my God, this is
a lesbian bar?

Yeah, I thought
you understood that.

Oh, jeez!

I'm sorry, I thought you knew
what girl bar meant.

But I'm not a--
Whoa. Whoa!

Janet, I'm really sorry.

It's just that at the gym,
you said

you don't like being with men
so I thought you were a--

I don't like being
with men!

They're perverted,
selfish pigs!

Have you never even thought
of being with another woman?

Oh, goodness. No!

Of course I haven't.

I mean, really I don't even understand
how two women can make love.

I mean, unless they just
kind of scissor or something.

There are a lot of ways
to make love, Janet.

I guess I'd be lying
if I said I wasn't a little tittylated.

Could I
maybe kiss you?

Oh, this is wrong!

You're another woman.
It doesn't make sense!

Is it wrong, Janet?

Let your inhibitions go.
Let's just have fun tonight.

No commitments,
just fun.

Oh, yeah, scissor!

Yeah, scissor me,
Allison!

Janet, you're crazy!

Oh, this is
hot scissoring.

Ohh-- scissor me timbers.

They better be done with
the book reports!

School starts in
fifteen minutes!

They'll be done.

Que pasol!
Que pasol!

Alright, did you read
the book?

Si.

What was it about?

In case
our teacher asks us.

It starts there
the old man.

And he job is
to catch the feesh.

So he get in a boat to try
and catch a feesh.

He try catch the feesh,
but the feesh is very strong

so the old man cannot
reel in the feesh.

So then he fight
the feesh some more.

And he finally
catch the feesh.

He catches the feesh,
so then he can make money.

No.

Because on the way home
the sharks come and eat the feesh.

And so
he no make money.

That's it?
That's the whole story?

Si.

Alright,
did you write the four essays?

Si!

We all wrote essays for you.

Alright!

Okay, let's have em!

Have what?

You said
you all wrote essays!

Where are they?

Well, my esse
lives in Miami.

I wrote to him,
like you said,

but I don't think
he got the letter yet.

I wrote my esse
in Albuquerque.

I wrote three esse.

My esse back home,
my esse in Denver,

and my esse in Glenwood
even wrote me back!

Thanks for writing me, esse.

Oh, oh.

Dude, we're totally
fucked now.

Why the hell would
we pay you to write your friends?

We thought
it was kind of strange.

This is your fault,
Cartman!

Now we're gonna fail!

You guys, school starts
in ten minutes!

Son of a bitch!

Hey, Clyde, you didn't
finish your essay either, right?

No, I got it done.

Jimmy, did you finish
your book report?

Yeah, I feel pretty good about it.

I finished
my whole book report

and I got a really nice letter
from my esse

who works down
at the U-Haul!

- Crap!
- We're dead.

Hello, class!

Here's my little desk.

And my nice
little chalkboard.

Ms. Garrison,
about our book reports--

Oh, that's okay, Eric.

If you need a little more time
with your homework, just say so.

Really?

Kids, I need to tell you
something that you might find shocking--

I'm gay.

Again?

It was a shock
to me, too.

I met another woman and
we went to this fabulous bar

called Lesbos
where I finally felt at home.

Allison and I talked and we really
opened up to each other and then we--

scissored all night long.

You have to be careful
with scissors.

But listen, I am not going to just
rush into a relationship with Allison.

I'm a late in life lesbian,

so I need to play the field
for a while, right?

I'm so happy.

That's great!

Let's hear it for
teacher being a lesbian!

- Yay!
- Yea!

Hey Tracy, hey Kate!

Hi, Janet.

Looking hot, Linda.

Wanna go somewhere and
scissor later on?

Huh?

- Hey, Patty.
- Wassup, Janet?

Ooh, stop giving me that look,
scissoring me with your eyes.

Hey, Janet, why don't you pick up
on your own girl?

Oh, yeah!
Dyke fight!

Oh!

You kicked me
right in the pussy!

Oh!

We're scissoring!

Oh, yeah!
Scissor-- oh!

You guys!

You guys!
Stop it!

Listen to me, everybody.
I've got some bad news!

What is it, Katie?

They're closing down
the bar-- for good.

Closing it down?

They can't do that.

This is our home.

Yeah,
this is our home!

Well, it's true,
I just talked to the owners.

They've sold the bar
to Persians.

Persians?!

So where are we
supposed to go?

We aren't going anywhere!

We have a history here!

Persians are closing this bar
over my dead lesbian body!

Mayor,
this is an outrage!

We are being discriminated
against as lesbians!

You're a lesbian now?

That's right.

A proud lesbian.

And our home
is being taken away!

The bar has been sold
to Persian club owners,

I don't know what you want
me to do about it.

Forbid the transaction.

This is happening all
over the country, Mayor.

Lesbian bars being bought out,
shut down.

It isn't right!

Yeah!
That's right!

I'm sorry,
but my hands are tied.

The new owners plan to start
redecorating the bar tomorrow.

You have
to be out by then.

Have you seen
how Persians decorate?

They will cover that bar
in cheesy blue carpeting,

white statues
and gold curtain rods

to the point that
you will want to puke.

Mrs. Garrison,
get out of here.

Well, here's to some great times
at this place.

Yeah, guess we'll just have
to find somewhere else to hang out.

Now,
come on, gals!

I can't believe
what I'm hearing!

We can't just give up!

Well, what are we
supposed to do, Janet?

We stand and fight.

When the Persians come,
we tell them we aren't leaving Lesbos!

Actually, it's Les Boux.

No!

It's Lesbos.

We are Lesbos.

And as Lesbos, we cannot just
stand and watch as one girl bar

after another
gets shut down!

The Persians have sent
somebody to talk to us.

Hello, my name
is Amir Hadi.

My boss sent me over here
because he heard

you were upset about us
trying to take over the bar.

Yes, we are.

Well, we want
to assure you

that when this place
becomes another club Persh,

you will all still be one hundred
percent welcome.

All they want is to make
the place really nice.

We're going to put down some lovely
blue carpet and gold curtain rods.

I knew it!
I knew it!

But you are still welcome
to come.

My boss wants you to know that you will
not be discriminated against in any way.

Would you allow
straight people in?

Men?

Well, we would
allow whoever--

Choose your next words
wisely, Persian.

Look, uh, we don't have
to offer you anything.

So I don't know why are you
being so difficult, this is crazy.

No, this isn't crazy.

This is Lesbos!

How dare you!

And so
it had begun.

By kicking the Persian
messenger in the balls,

the Lesbos had sent
a message.

All over the country,
lesbians heard of the brave standoff.

As a group of Lesbians

in Colorado
are refusing to allow

the new owners
of their bar in--

- Good for them!
- You go, girls!

The Persians returned
to their office.

And told their co-workers how the 30
Lesbos were refusing to let them in.

Well, fine.

If they're going to block the entrance,
we'll just bring like 60 of us!

I'll call more Persians
for help.

The hours passed quickly.

And the lesbians boldly
stood out front of their bar

to stop the Persians
from entering.

Here they come.

There's so many of them.

Lesbos--

Positions!

Lesbians, stand aside.

We are coming in
and redecorating.

The hell you are!

You can take your blue carpet
and gold curtain rods

and shove 'em up
your Persian buttholes!

Alright, come on.

They can't stop
all of us.

Lezbos!

Remember this day!

Remember this fight!

Don't give them
an inch!

Iranian faggot!

Come on!

Seriously!

Let us in!

Never!

For hours, the Lesbos kept
the Persians back.

Holding them off!

Keeping them from decorating!

Finally, the Persians
grew tired!

And many wanted
to go shopping

for more designer sunglasses.

They retreated.

The Lesbos had held.

Lesbos!

Hoo-hoo!

The Persians
who did not go shopping

now knew they must
face their boss.

Here he comes.

Rauf Xersis!

He sat atop a gold Hummer
with customized Gucci accessories,

which only a Persian would
think was cool.

Mr. Xerxis,
the Lesbos wouldn't move.

We could not get inside
to redecorate.

Jamal, how could you have
failed me in this simple task?

I am so seriously pissed off
right now, I could bust a testicle.

And with that, the Persian club owner
came to a realization--

I shall have to deal with
these lesbos myself!

Girls, I just want to say
that I am very proud of you!

The way we kept those Persians
from taking over our bar was les-tastic!

Well, that's great, Janet,
but what now?

We can't just stay here pushing
them away our whole lives.

We can't?
I think it's pretty fun.

We have to have
a more solid plan.

Something we can use
against them permanently.

Maybe we can dig up some dirt
on the club owner.

Hey, that's a great idea,
Betsy!

We need somebody
working on the inside.

What do you mean?

If we could get
some Persians on our side,

we could send them in to try to dig up
some dirt on the owner!

But who's going to spy
on them for us?!

We don't know any Persians.

It's okay.

There's people you can hire
for this kind of thing.

Que pasol!

Que pasol!

Looking for work?
Si?

- Trabajo?
- Yes.

We all can work, si.

Alright, we need you
to infiltrate some Persians

who run Club Persh and
dig up some dirt on the owner.

Okay.

- Sure.
- Okay, yeah.

Janet, how is
this going to work?

They don't look Persian.

Sure they do!

Look, you just have to
gel the hair.

Put on a silk shirt,

some gold chains,

and tons of cologne.

Persian.

Si.

Wow.

Alright, Mexicans,
take the rest of these outfits

and see what you can find out.
The address is in there, too.

Okay.

And Mexicans-- please hurry,
our girl bar has very little time.

A full day passed,

and the Lesbos knew a second
Persian attack was imminent.

Outside, Lesbo lookouts
kept watch,

ready to alert the others.

The Lesbo leader
sat nervously inside.

Her plan to dress Mexicans
as Persians to act as spies--

Perhaps, it had failed.

She looked around
at her fellow Lesbos.

They were tired.

In order to keep her lesbos awake,
she had no choice.

She would have
to make coffee.

With fresh coffee brewed,
the Lesbos found new life.

But would it be enough?

The Persians
are attacking again!

Take positions, Lesbos!

Get outside!

No, wait!
Wait!

That's not the Persians,
it's the Mexicans!

Really?

How can you tell?

Let them through.
It's okay!

Hola.

Como estas.

Did you uncover anything?

Are the Persians
doing anything illegal?

Uhh, no, they're not doing
anything illegal.

Are you sure?

But we did find out a kind of secret
about the person in charge.

What secret?

Oh, my God.

Are you sure about this?

Si.

Janet!

Janet.
The Persian boss is here.

He wants to talk to you
and you alone.

It's okay.

It's time I met this rich Persian
asshole face to face.

Why are you lesbians
being so difficult?

Because we're protecting
the only home we have.

I don't know why you have to be
all super lame about this.

You know, a long time ago
when I first realized I was a lesbian,

I felt isolated, confused.

And finally, I found a place
that accepts me for who I am.

Okay, how about this--

I will make you
the manager of Club Persh.

You'll make good money.

That's a generous offer,
Xerxis.

But you see, there's something
I know about you--

I know you're actually
a woman.

How? How did you
find that out?

I hired Mexicans
to spy on you.

They saw you
working out at Curves.

You don't understand.

Women can't be the boss
in Persian culture!

Nobody can know
about this!

Yeah, and you know why?

Because men are all assholes.

They make you feel ashamed for being
a little big or manly looking.

But not lesbos.

We accept other women
for who they are inside.

You do, seriously?

Have you never even thought
of being with another woman before?

No, I don't even know how
two women can make love.

Unless they just kind of
scissor or something.

Oh, yeah!

Scissor me, Xerxis!

Oh, that feels so super good.

Yeah, scissor!

Oh, I'm a new woman!

And so it was
that Lesbos was saved.

The Persians had agreed
to keep it a lesbian bar,

for no dyke should be
without cocktails.

Thanks for everything,
Xerxis.

No. Thank you, friend.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be
teaching school right now?

The school hired a substitute
to cover for me.

And so, to find the sum
of the two fractions--

You must always first check for
the lowest common denominator.

Si.

- Si. Si.
- Yes.

These guys are pretty good.

Yeah, I think
I'm actually learning something.