Newhart (1982–1990): Season 6, Episode 9 - Till Depth Do Us Part: Part 2 - full transcript

Previously, on "Newhart".

We've experienced
a series of dud dates.

We've gone from
fantastic to flat,

and we're trying to
put some more pizz

into our zazz.

I recommend you
stop seeing each other.

You mean take a brief
vacation from each other.

I mean break up.

What if we got married?

A wedding might be fun.

They're here.



Major bulletin! Major bulletin!

Michael and I are
getting married!

You mean it?

Yep. I'm officially gonna
become her muffin man!

Oh, Dick!

Oh, Joanna.

Oh, Joanna!

It's... it's, uh... it's Stephanie
you're in love with, right?

Oh.

Well, we're thrilled.

Yeah. Uh, wasn't this...
This kind of sudden?

Sudden? This whole
thing has been bubbling

for the last four years,

since we first
became Cupid kebabs.



On, uh, on... on your
double date with us, you...

You know, you didn't seem
all that... all that bubbly.

Oh, we blame that
mostly on you two.

George, hold onto your plaids.
Steph and I are getting hitched!

Wow! You crazy kids!

Oh!

- Oh, Joanna!
- I've, uh...

I've... I've bagged my limit.

Uh, when's the big event?

A week from Sunday

at Mommy and Daddy's mansion;

246 guests, Hal Rosemont
Society Orchestra

and the color
scheme is petal pink.

That sounds wonderful.

Yeah. I better call
Mommy and Daddy

and let them know.

Natch, you're all invited.

And, Joanna,

I want you to be
my maid of honor,

'cause I love you.

Oh, Stephanie, thank you.

And this way you have
to do everything I say.

Oh, and Dick, since, uh,

Joanna's gonna be maid of honor,

naturally, it
follows that you be

my flower girl.

I'm just kidding.

You're my best
muchacho or nothing.

There... there's a choice?

George, you're in
for accolades too.

How does head usher sound?

Wow! It'll be the most
exciting day of my life!

I know.

Oh, Michael! We've
got a zillion things to do;

choosing the flowers,

designing the invitations,

selecting the music...

I think our first dance

should probably
have a latin flavor.

Mm.

What... what are
your plans afterwards?

I'm leaning reggae.

How 'bout you, sweetcake?

No, I... I think Dick
means things like

have you thought about
your financial situation,

where you're gonna live?

Like... like, not here, right?

Dick, we've got
a wedding to plan.

We can't think
about the marriage.

Oh.

Dick, I've been practicing
my brains out being an usher.

Watch this.

Are you with the
bride or the groom?

Well, ac... actually
both, George.

I'm not quite there yet, Dick.

So how's the best man?

Have you come
up with a toast yet?

Not yet.

I'm having a little trouble
coming up with something

to rhyme with "tragic mistake".

Come on, honey,

I'm sure their marriage
is gonna turn out to be...

not bad.

Boy, that's every
couple's dream.

You guys didn't elope, did you?

No, we just came
back from our blood test,

and Steph's feeling
a little woozy.

Stupid, stupid blood testers.

Steph, you know I
would've rushed to your side

if I could've run with my
head between my knees.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

We hear tell you two are
tying the umbilical cord.

Miss Stephanie,
be honest with us.

What'd he have that we didn't?

Was it his plastic good looks?

Or the way he talks?

Darryl here thinks
he might be an illegal.

Guys, let me put
it in simple English.

When Steph and I met, it was...

nirvana-rama.

Anyway, we brought you
some wedding presents.

Darryl?

What... what is it?

A pen from a bank.

And a partially
frozen porcupine.

You know, something
borrowed, something blue.

Thank you, Larry.

I guess all there is
left for us is to RSVP.

Oh, uh, guys, this, uh...

This wedding's way
out in the boonies.

Uh, Newport.

Oh.

Well, that changes everything.

Who do we ride with?

Oh.

Guys, you... you don't
understand. It... it's not that simple.

You just... you can't...

You're riding with Dick.

What?

Oh, by the way, can
we have a window seat?

Uh, wh... uh, why?

Darryl likes to moon
out-of-state drivers.

Yes, I just want to make sure

that everything is exactly
as per our agreement.

Eighty pounds of beluga caviar,

200 magna of Dom
Perignon champagne,

a 20-foot ice
sculpture in the shape

of the Chicago Stock Exchange...

I don't care if it's
making your life

a living hell.

I'm rich, and I want it.

Arthur, aren't we
going a little overboard

on this affair?

Nonsense, Marian.

How often does our
daughter get married?

Twice so far.

Good morning.

- Ah.
- Good morning, everyone.

I hope you all had
a pleasant night.

I slept like a log.

I had nightmares
about out-of-state drivers

pulling alongside our car.

Where are the
pre-newlyweds this morning?

They are posing
for the figurines

on top of the wedding cake.

We, uh... we... we did that.

This is quite a spread
you guys got here, Art.

We're guessing that you must be
one of them two income families.

These three chaps are a hoot.

Everyone, please join us

for breakfast on the verandah.

Oh, boy! Another
chance to practice!

Right this way.

Actually, it's this way.

I'm glad I got that
handyman thing

to fall back on.

Oh, Michael, that
posing was a lot tougher

than I thought.

No wonder other couples

settle for strangers
on their cakes.

Ah, it's gonna be worth it

to see a miniature
of my wonder wench

in butter cream.

Michael, everything's
been so hectic.

Do you realize this is

the first chance
we've had to be alone?

You're right, Steph.

You wanna bend your
ear to nibble distance?

Are you happy, Michael?

Sure. Didn't you
hear me just go...

So you wanna marry me?

Steph, I know things
were a little frazzled

the day I asked you
to be my cuter half,

so right now I'd...

Like to do things right.

Michael, proposals
are on one knee.

Begging forgiveness is on two.

Oh.

Force of habit.

Steph, I want you to have this.

Oh, Michael,

it's the most...
beautiful, most...

miniscule little
thing I've ever seen.

Cupcake, I know it's
small, but believe me,

it stretches every credit
line I have to its very limit.

Aw, Michael.

I know you deserve better.

You're right. I do.

But it is from you.

Oh, Steph.

From the moment I
met you four years ago,

my life has been nothing
but wall-to-wall wows.

Stephanie Vanderkellen,

will you marry me?

Yes, you lucky dog, you.

Oh, Steph, I'm supposed
to make you cry.

Mommy!

Daddy! Everybody!

Stephanie, what is it?

Michael just proposed to me!

Is... isn't that why we're here?

Yeah, but I did it
much better this time.

There's a ring and everything.

Where?

This isn't one of those
squirter things, is it?

You know, if... If
you put your eyeball

right up to it,

it's... it's as big as anything.

Wow, what a rock!

Arthur, it isn't the size,

it's the thought that counts.

Is not.

Now, Mummy and Daddy, stop that.

Michael,

this ring will always have
a special place in my heart,

if not on my finger.

Oh, Steph.

Uh, by the way,

my secretary typed up
that list of wedding vows

you asked for.

Uh, you might
want to look it over.

Oh, poo. Papers. Michael.

They look fine to me.

"For richer or even richer."

"In health and minor
aches and pains?"

Quite a commitment.

Come on, Michael.

We have to start planning
what's going to happen

after the wedding.

Stephanie, that's great.

You have to practice
feeding me the cake

so I get just enough icing

on the tip of my
cute little nose

to make it seem
like I'm a good sport.

Icing on my cupcake.

Loudon, I feel good
about those two kids.

Uh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Right this way.

Uh, actually, it's that way.

Darn.

I thought I had that one nailed.

Joanna, did you hear that?

I mean, when... when
it comes to the future,

they... they... they
haven't looked past the...

The tip of Stephanie's nose.

Oh, come on, Dick.

I mean, when you
and I got married,

we didn't know everything.

We thought it was gonna be fun.

I mean all the time.

Joanna, you... you
and I were different.

We... we were mature.

I mean, we... We
didn't call each other

"muffin" and "cupcake".

I mean... I mean, sure they...
They know each other's...

favorite sweater colors.

Sure... sure they know what...

What cartoon characters they...

They'd most like
to be friends with.

But... but they don't even
know where they're gonna live.

I mean, I... I really think that...
that I should say something.

Dick, it's not your
place to say anything.

You're right.

Let's let their pal

Huckleberry Hound handle this.

When he shakes his
head, his hair bounces

almost as good as mine.

Oh, he does sound
perfect, Stephanie.

- Oh, Joanna?
- Hm?

I don't think you've
met everyone.

Joanna, these are my
best and dearest friends

in the whole wide world.

Francine, Blythe, Alicia, Midge,

Lauren, Muffy with a
'y' and Muffie with an 'ie.'

Hi.

Well, enough unimportant
stuff. Let's open the gifts.

All right, all right,
enough of the talent.

On with the toasts.

Loudon.

Michael,

marriage is like
an airplane flight.

Sometimes you
ride in first class,

sometimes you
have to sit in coach.

Sometimes the ride is smooth,

other times you...
You hit turbulence.

Sometimes you get
a... A four-course meal,

other times you
have to settle for nuts.

Sometimes...

All right, Loudon.
How long is this flight?

I guess I... I won't
get into the part

a... about the lost luggage.

What... what I'm trying to
say is that marriage isn't easy,

but I... I'm sure that...
That you two will, uh...

An... an... anyway,
good... good luck.

Hear, hear!

We wish you very
well in your marriage

and even though we
were once bitter rivals,

we say this from the
bottom of our heart,

dibs if you divorce her.

This one's from Francine.

Ooh.

It's another Fabergé egg.

It's okay, but next
time check with

the other girls first.

I don't believe this.

A designer wardrobe,
a... a trip to Monte Carlo,

and Fabergé eggs?

Don't worry.

It looks like there are
some big ones coming up.

I wanna thank you
all for being here.

Gathered in this
room are the men

who mean the
most to me in my life.

M... more or less.

To one of the men who I
respect most in the world,

the Dickster.

A... a boffo best man.

Uh, to George,

who I think is gonna make
one heck of a terrif usher.

Great. More pressure.

To Mr. V, my
future padre-in-law.

I wanna thank you for...

creating Stephanie.

Here's a little trick

for gettin' more bubbles
in the champagne.

You know,

when I was a little girl,

I had an image of what

my second husband would be like.

Michael Harris comes
closer to filling that bill

than anyone I've ever met.

Hear, hear!

Oh boy, Dick. You look primo.

In that outfit,

you could double as best man
and a waiter at the reception.

Boy, this has been great.

Steph and I have been

the center of
attention all week.

People have
showered us with gifts,

we saw our names
printed a thousand times

in Bodini Bold.

This wedding was the best
idea Stephanie and I ever had.

With all this flurry
of fun, there's...

There's only one thing I forgot.

Your blessing.

My... my... my blessing?

Well,

my dad's gone,

and my mom's
flitting around Europe

with some guy named Paolo.

You're sort of like...

the father I never had.

Go ahead, Dick.

O... Okay, um...

Um, ble... ble... bless you.

Come on, Dick. I didn't sneeze.

I... I just want you
to be totally honest

and say that you approve

and think I'm
doing the right thing.

Michael, to, uh...

To... to tell you the...
The complete truth, I uh,

I... I don't feel...

right a... about this...
About this wedding.

Well, obviously you're new
to this blessing business.

Why don't you take
another run at it?

Michael, I...
I... I wish I felt...

I wish I felt
differently, but I...

I have serious doubts
about whether your...

Your marrying Stephanie
is, uh, well, a good idea.

What?

Honey, they want us
for wedding photos.

Dick's trying to
86 the marriage!

Dick!

Joanna!

The maid of honor

shouldn't abandon the bride
right before the wedding.

I said I was thirsty.

Michael!

The bride and groom are not
supposed to see each other!

Steph, Dick's trying to put
the kibosh on our nuptials!

What?

Look, whether... whether
you get married or not

is... is your decision.

I... I just think you should...

You should know that
marriage is... is hard.

It... it... it's
responsibilities.

It's... it... it's daily.

It's not all... not
all rainbows and...

And fireworks.

Is too.

Steph's right.

The only bumps in this marriage
will be of the goose variety!

Look, mar... uh,
marriage can be terrific,

but, I mean, if
you two are simply

looking for something

to get you out of
the dating blahs,

I mean, this... This
isn't the answer.

But I love Michael

and he loves me.
Isn't that enough?

Dick, it should be,

especially with 15 minutes
to go until the wedding.

Dick you realize if Steph
and I don't get married,

we'll have to break up.

Oh, Michael! Not again!

Well, I'm sorry, Steph,

but there's no
other choice for us!

Dick says we shouldn't
get married and...

We don't have any
fun dating anymore,

so we have to break up!

But, Michael, I wanted
to be with you forever!

Oh, me too, Steph!

I don't wanna live without you!

Well, maybe we could jump
off Lover's Leap together!

I'm sure we can get
Dick's blessing for that!

You're right, Dick.

This is much better
than them getting married.

All... all... all right, I'll...
I'll give you my blessing.

You... you mean it?

Well, if the wedding
is already paid for.

If being apart causes
you this... This much pain,

then... then there's no way your...
your marriage can be any worse.

Oh, Dick! That's beautiful!

Oh, Dick!

Oh, no, I triggered
one of those again.

Come on, Steph,

let's go walk down that aisle!

Michael!

You didn't see me, did you?

No, Steph, my eyes
were too full of tears.

You were nothing
but a cute blur.

Oh, phew.

Hey, Dick.

Everyone's in a seat
and nobody's hurt.

Way... way to ush, George.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to witness the marriage

of Stephanie Vanderkellen
and Michael Harris.

- To - Surround them with...
- Uh-oh.

Our prayers and to ask
God's blessing upon them...

What is it, Steph?

Is it just me or...

did the fun peak, right
before "Dearly beloved"?

Well, I'm definitely sensing
a dip in the spark index.

Let's not panic.
Let's give it a second.

Their solemn vows to each other.

No, it's definitely
still plummeting!

So, Stephanie and Michael,

as you face the
future together...

You better hold it.

Michael, I don't understand.

All the planning for
the wedding was fun.

But now all we're
faced with is...

a big fat marriage.

You're right, Steph, and
if this trend continues,

think of how it will be in
another 20 or 30 years.

It'll be just like Dick said.

It won't be all
rainbows and fireworks.

Ew!

What's, um... what's going on?

We're thinking you
were right, Dick.

We shouldn't get married.

What?

Well, after the
walk down the aisle,

the rest was anti-climactic.

I mean, everyone had
seen me in the dress.

What's going on?

Excuse me. Uh, can I
have everybody's attention?

Uh, we, uh...

We were going to get married,

but Dick talked us out of it.

Which one is Dick?

That, um...

That would... that
would... That would be...

That would be me.

Oh, good. She's
back in the dating pool.

Does this mean you're
going to break up?

Are we, Michael?

No, Steph, I've
got it all figured out.

We'll just stay engaged forever.

We'll be in a state of
perpetual wedding planning.

That way the
spark will never die.

Ooh!

Then, we can just go
on dating and dating!

Loudon, what did you do?

I didn't spend a
bazillion dollars

to have my daughter
and Michael "go together."

Come on, Steph,
let's make it official.

Stephanie, will you marry me,
sometime in the unspecified,

distant future?

Oh, Michael, of course I will!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're engaged!

Meow.