Newhart (1982–1990): Season 6, Episode 8 - Till Depth Do Us Part: Part 1 - full transcript

Oh, uh, uh, George.

Yeah, Dick?

Uh, you promised
to... To fix the...

The leak in our...
In our bathroom

after you finished
painting the trim on...

On the new... the
new birdfeeder.

Uh, that... that was
two buckets ago.

Yeah, well, there's
a new problem, Dick.

Squirrels.

They've taken over
the bird's feeder.

I wouldn't care if the
birds and the squirrels



used the feeder, but...

I'll let you in on a
secret of nature, Dick.

Squirrels don't like to share.

The dripping is
keeping me up, George,

so I'm... I'm afraid the birds

are gonna have
to wait a little while.

No, they can't, Dick.

They're used to me feeding 'em.

If the food isn't
there, they'll die.

Well, I... I've heard if a
person can't ever fall asleep,

they can die.

Yeah, well, there's
only one of you.

There's at least 90 birds.

Well,



here we are, Steph.

At home.

Or should I say, "inn" home.

Uh, Michael,

thank you for the...

lovely time.

Now is the date officially over?

Yes. What did you think?

Well, I think this makes
four dates in a row

that haven't been fun.

I know, Steph. I don't
know what's wrong.

We... we paraded around town.

We played "What would you
buy with three million dollars

if you had to spend
it all on yourself."

Had all the ingredients
of a great date.

But I didn't even
go, "Ooh!" once.

Michael,

I'm worried we're
getting... stale.

But there's one way
to find out for sure,

a Cosmopolitan test.

There's one in this month.

"Has Your Relationship
Broken the Bore Barrier?"

"Do you often do the
same thing date after date?"

Yes.

Well, Steph, that's not
really a fair question.

There's... there's only
so much to do in this town.

Michael, this is Cosmo,
so it's completely scientific.

"Can you always tell

what the other is going to say?"

- Yes.
- Yes.

"If you were on a date
and it were going badly,

would you,

A, suggest that you
forget this activity

and that the two of you
go skinny-dipping instead?"

"B, during the date, pretend
that everything is okay,

but try to discuss
it later to no avail?"

"B" it is.

"How many unpleasant
dates in a row have you had?

One, two, three or more?"

Three or more.

Oh, now here
comes the part I hate,

tallying.

A 10, Steph.

A nice round number.

"If you scored a 10 or below,

your relationship has
broken the bore barrier

and is rapidly approaching
the comatose zone."

That sounds negative.

"We suggest you find a
stable, interesting relationship

and observe it for clues.

Good luck. You'll need it."

Oh, hi. Michael, Stephanie.

Joanna,

this is the funniest
thing I have ever written.

Prepare to hold your sides.

Hey, there goes one half
of a stable relationship.

What say we observe
Dick and Joanna for clues?

Well, I guess it's either that

or take the test
again and cheat.

"When, uh... when
rolling out the fiberglass,

it's, uh...

It's very important
you wear gloves or...

you might add...

insulation to injury."

You... you can... you can
let go of your sides now.

Do, uh... do you want
to open this can of worms

or should I?

Oh, Steph and I have
suffered a few bad dates,

and the Cosmo test we took

recommended that we
observe a stable couple.

Uh, you... you two are it.

Well, that's flattering.

I guess.

Where are you going?

To get some coffee.

Michael, this isn't working.

Why, cuppers?

Because even on our worst
dates, more fun than this happens.

Well, that isn't a
fair comparison.

This is everyday
life, not a date.

Okay, we'll observe
you on a date.

No. No, no you won't.

That's why we got married,

so we wouldn't have
to date anymore.

I think a date would be fun.

I think a date
would be ridiculous.

That's just what I should
expect from a man who likes ruts.

What are you
talking about, ruts?

J... Just... just last year,
I w... I was spontaneous.

You two might wanna
take the Cosmo test

"Are You Fighting Your
Way to an Early Divorce?"

Not early enough.

All right, we'll go
on a stupid date.

Great, make that a double.

You two pick the place,
and Steph and I will be there

with peepers peeled.

Joanna, cut it out.

Dick, if you don't want
us to keep score, fine,

but if you want
me to keep score,

you can't keep yelling at me

every time I ask how
you did on a hole.

I got a six, okay?

Okay.

And how did you do?

I got a one.

See, that's why we never date.

Why?

Because every time
you do something

better than I do,
you... you... you gloat.

I'm not gloating.

You're comparing our scores.

I'm tabulating, Dick.

There is a difference between
tabulating and gloating.

And what you're
doing is gloating.

Are they still fighting?

Does this place have
indoor/outdoor carpeting?

I'm beginning to think this
wasn't such a good idea.

Why, Steph?

Well, we're playing a game

where the aim is
to be below par.

It's all wrong for me.

Oh, good, a water hole.

Trying to mess with
my concentration,

aren't you, Joanna?

And there's too much yelling.

Yeah, but, Steph,
maybe that's how

they keep their
relationship fresh.

You know, by arguing.

Should we try it?

That's the assignment.

Okay.

Michael, move out of
the way. It's my turn.

No... no, it's
not. It's my turn.

It's mine.

- Mine.
- Mine.

- Mine.
- I'm bored.

Well, let's... let's catch
up with Dick and Joanna.

Maybe we're missing something.

Oh, what... what do you
wanna say we got on this hole?

What's good?

A two.

I'm tired of twos.

Let's give ourselves ones.

Done.

Now, you realize if we
join Dick and Joanna,

we may actually
have to play a hole.

Ew.

I swear that windmill
was inconsistent.

Dick, we are supposed to be
showing Stephanie and Michael

that a long-term
relationship can be fun,

and all we're doing is fighting.

That's because somebody
has done nothing but...

Don't say it.

Gloat.

Well, what do you want
me to do? Let you win?

Yes.

Dream on.

I... I don't believe it.

You... you missed
the wheel altogether.

The... the best
you can hope for...

is a three...

and that would be a miracle!

Shut up!

Phew.

It... it went in the gold seat.

That means it's a hole-in-one.

That means you get a free pass.

I mean, that's... that's
as good as money.

I mean, that's like saying
you're a professional.

Is this a fun game or what?

What's... what's going on?

I think it's stuck.

Well, I'm gonna find that guy...

Stephanie and Michael.

My, isn't life funny?

Well, I best go
talk to the manager.

Excuse me, sweetie.

Hey, buddy!

Wait for me, honey!

What a swell game, huh?

You know, Steph,

Dick and Joanna
have actually been

participating in this game.

Maybe that's why
they're having fun.

All right. I'll try it.

Well, whose ball was that?

Who cares?

See, if we were having fun,
I think that would be exciting.

Well, I... I'm afraid
there's bad news

on the bird front, Dick.

I designed a feeder with a hole

that's big enough for the birds

but too small for the squirrels.

Well, that... that
sounds good, George.

What's... what's the problem?

Well, a cardinal got in.

She ate so much, she
couldn't get back out.

So then she ate some more,
and by the time I got to her,

she was a balloon,

so I'm kinda back to square one.

That's all right, George,

'cause the last time
I checked the faucet,

it... it had stopped dripping.

Oh, good.

Yeah. Now it's a steady stream.

All right, Dick, you decide.

A leaky faucet

or a chubby bird in distress?

Chubby bird.

Dick,

I've never felt closer
to you than right now.

Well, here we are.

Home sweet hotel.

Oh.

Michael,

we really need to talk.

I think we both agree
tonight was a bust.

I personally blame Dick.

Michael, my whole dating life

I've had one steadfast,
unbreakable rule.

Four bad dates and dump him.

I had the same rule, Steph.

Oh, dear.

Only mine was five bad dates.

Something has to give.

I know.

I know. We... we...

We love each other,

but something
has zapped the zip.

What do you think we should do?

Well, I feel like
we've tried everything.

I mean, you have
your break-up rule

and I have mine,

so it seems to me there's
only one thing we can do.

Seek professional help.

Professional help?

You mean... counseling?

Well, I know it's
an extreme step,

but nothing else
has brought back

the old sizzle-lean.

Michael, you don't understand.

No one in my family has
ever received any help

from a mental
health professional.

We've always been
blessed with enough money

to just lock the
troubled ones away.

There has to be another way.

Maybe if we...

threw ourselves a party or...

went someplace tropical.

Steph, what if we
do those things,

and they turn out badly?

How will we ever
dig ourselves out

from eight or nine bad dates?

I can't go to a
counselor! I won't!

We can always use assumed names.

And we'd have to
go to another town.

No one will ever know.

All right.

Attagirl.

I hope you realize how
much this means I love you,

Chuck.

Hi.

I'm Mary Kaiser, and
you must be... Chuck,

and you must be... Dawn.

Righto.

Nice to meet you.

Now, what can I do for you two?

Well, we are here because we've
experienced a series of dud dates.

We've gone from
fantastic to flat,

and we're trying to
put some more pizz

into our zazz.

Uh-huh.

The, uh, positive aspects
of your relationship

seem to be waning?

- Huh?
- Huh?

You don't have much fun anymore.

Bingo.

Well, I'm... I'm sure you're
both aware that all relationships

go through a
natural ebb and flow.

Uh, you two could
just be in a valley.

We want all peaks.

We're... we're
used to all peaks.

I see.

Uh, well, what have you
done to help the situation?

Uh, we took a Cosmo test

and double-dated
with a stable couple.

I bought matching sweaters
and shopped for shoes

made from exotic reptiles.

The usual.

Of course.

Excuse me, what is today's date?

The 11th.

And that's not a day

where people play pranks
on one another, is it?

Don't think so.

Uh-huh.

Let's try to take this
one step at a time.

You say you want more fun.

Define fun.

Chuck?

Oh, that's easy.

Uh, sneaking into
department stores

and replacing those
loser wallet photos

with snaps of Ours Truly.

Really?

Generally, a fun date

is filled with grins and giggles

and a general sense of
being superior to others.

Feeling smug and giggling.

And no yelling.

Let's discuss
likes and dislikes.

Dawn, what do you
like about Chuck?

His hair.

Yeah.

I... I was talking more about
things that he has control over.

The way he fixes his hair.

Thanks, cupcake.

No, Dawn,

what personality traits
do you admire in Chuck?

Chuck, I thought you said
there weren't going to be

any hard questions.

Uh, Dr. Kaiser, uh,

my personality is reflected
in how I fix my hair,

and Dawn is
saying she likes that.

Come on, who sent
you here? Dr. Howe?

We... we got your name
from the Yellow Pages.

Then, let's just go on.

Chuck, what do
you like about Dawn?

Everything.

She is perfection personified.

Any criticism?

None. Well... She
knows how I feel

about certain shades
of toenail polish.

We're very open
about things like that.

So you can see
how in sync we are.

Can you clue us in as
to why the fun-slippage?

Well, we can try to work
through this relationship together,

and I emphasize "try."

I... I suggest that
we start with no less

than three sessions a week.

What?

Oh... oh, we can't come back.

We need answers today.

That's the deal, doc.

There'll be no
sequels to this sesh.

Well, I hardly think
it would be fair of me

to judge you based
on one short meeting.

Well, come on, doc.

We know you've got car
payments, but give us a break.

But sometimes one short
meeting is all you need.

Well, uh,

I... I think it's fairly obvious

that you two share the
same shallow values.

Right.

A... A... Again,
I... I just met you,

uh, but I suspect that you

prevent each other from growing.

Thank you.

Dr. Kaiser, I think
I speak for us both

when I say we
appreciate the praise,

but are more interested
in the prescription.

I recommend you
stop seeing each other.

You mean take a brief
vacation from each other.

I mean break up.

For...?

Ever.

Run away from each other.
Never see each other again.

Michael, I don't think
this is going to help us

have more fun.

You two have the most
surface relationship

I have ever seen.

Now, if you will excuse me, I
have thinking patients to see.

And you swear
Dr. Howe's not behind this?

Dick, you'll be glad to know
that everything is A-Okay.

You mean you've finally
designed a squirrel-proof feeder.

No, I put up two.

One filled with
stuff the birds like

and one filled with
nuts for the squirrels.

And I'm gonna right
now get a pipe wrench

to fix that leak.

I think I'll tell Joanna that
she can put away the, uh...

The scuba gear.

Hey, you raccoons,
get away from there!

Looks like our skyline's
gonna be dotted

with feeders, Dick.

Honey, you wanna put
the bed on pontoons?

I am so depressed.

Did you hear what
Dr. Kaiser yelled out after us.

"Don't even try
to remain friends."

Maybe she was right.

All the signs point
to breaking up.

Steph, we can't give up.

There must be
something we can do.

I can't chance another bad time.

It's beginning to
affect my complexion.

I know.

But I still feel that there's...

There's something
that we haven't tried.

Michael, stop
torturing yourself.

Maybe we aren't
right for each other.

Maybe we should
just... break up.

What else can we do?

Should we risk a kiss?

I'd hate to part
with a bad memory.

It wasn't bad.

Good-bye.

Cupcake.

What if...?

What if we got married?

A wedding might be fun.

There'd be parties and
presents and color schemes!

Ooh!

It's back!

Meow.