Newhart (1982–1990): Season 6, Episode 7 - Take Me to Your Loudon - full transcript
It's Halloween, and the townspeople believe the town is about to be invaded by aliens.
Stephanie, could you
refill this marmalade jar?
Joanna, what do I look like?
A maid.
Do not.
And while you're at it,
the maple syrup
pitchers could use refilling.
Well?
It... looks good, George.
Yeah, uh, no one, you
know, no one would ever...
Ever guess it's a hairpiece.
It's part of my
Halloween costume.
The Cowardly Lion
from The Wizard of Oz.
Coming through with maple
syrup. Stupid, filthy trees.
Hi, Stephanie. This is part
of my Halloween costume.
Guess who I'm going as.
Joanna?
Stephanie!
It's the Cowardly Lion.
Oh.
Well, then, you'd better
add a tail or something
or everyone will be
guessing Joanna.
You know, Halloween was
always one of my favorite holidays.
I used to go
trick-or-treating door to door.
George, uh...
you're not... planning on
going trick-or-treating, are you?
Come on, Joanna,
I'm too old for that.
I mean, last year
I was pushing it.
Actually, uh...
I was kinda hoping I
could wear my costume
to a, uh, well, costume party.
Ooh! A party!
Right here at the
Stratford! Yes, why not?
How... How's this for a why not?
Over my dead body.
Good costume idea, Dick!
I hate Halloween parties.
All... All those people
in... In silly costumes
carving faces in
vegetables and...
I... I mean all this
beautiful furniture.
There's... There's great
potential for... for nicks.
Come on, Dick. You won't
even have to do anything.
I'll take care of
the decorations,
the party games,
I'll even create
the spooky noises.
Ooh!
And I'll... come.
Dick, all you have to
do is sit back, drink cider,
and pass judgment.
All right.
- Let's party.
- Oh, Dick!
George...
Can... can you give
me a hand here?
Something's poking me.
Oh, it's nothing,
just a jagged piece of tin
gouging at your side there.
I'm... I'm such a sissy.
Boy, you've gotta watch
out for that costume.
You could nick the
hell outta this place.
Wow!
Look at us: a Cowardly
Lion, a Tin Man, and Vampira.
I'll bet that would've
made an even better movie.
Hi, all!
Gee, it's great to be
in from the "ootside".
Oh, Steph!
Well, that's it.
I'm "oot" of here.
Wait a minute, Dick.
Your rivet's open.
Made you look.
Well, here I am.
I hope you all notice
that I'm dressed
as somebody you
have to bow down to.
- Michael.
- Oh, sorry, Steph.
Come on, you guys.
Dick, this is gonna be a
party you'll never forget.
I've recorded scary sounds,
there's gonna be
costume judging...
And are you ready for this?
Apple bobbing.
Gonna be a real night of terror.
Don't worry about all this
Halloween hokum, Dick.
In a little while, you
and I can sneak upstairs
and watch a special
fright night on WPIV.
A twin bill of War of the Worlds,
a perennial Halloween fave,
and a soon-to-be-classic:
The Boogens.
Honey, um, I don't know
how long I can stay here.
You know, I mean, The Boogens.
- Oh.
- Someone's coming.
Wow, we just got here
and already I'm a-scared.
So who are you
guys supposed to be?
Well, I'm Tweedledee
and Chester's Tweedledum.
No, Jim. I'm Tweedledee,
and you're Tweedledum.
No, I'm not.
I get so sick of the same
argument year after year.
I'm getting so many
compliments on this outfit.
Would it bother you
if I wore it all the time?
Hey, everybody! Have you heard?
It's terrible! Horrible!
What are you talking about?
Harley, what the hell
kind of costume is that?
Well, I'm a ghost, but I
get a little claustrophobic.
Anyway, the world
is coming to an end!
What are you talking about?
It's all over TV!
Special news report.
Earth is being invaded
from outer space!
What?
Very funny, Harley.
No, really. I saw these
one-eyed creatures
and their spaceships
blasting whole cities
with their death rays!
I ran out to warn everybody
as soon as they
broke for commercial.
Commercial?
Wait... wait...
wait... Wait a minute.
In... In this... In
this news report,
did you see any
famous Hollywood stars?
Hey, now that you mention
it, they got Gene Barry!
All right, everybody relax.
Michael is running the movie
War of the Worlds tonight,
which is about
an alien invasion.
Tell... uh, tell 'em, Michael.
Well, actually...
Tell... Tell 'em what, Dick?
That you're showing
War of the Worlds tonight.
No, I'm not.
We're supposed
to be running Klute.
Frankly, this whole story
sounds chilling to me!
Ooh!
You mean it's not a movie?
Didn't those psychics
in, uh, the tabloids
predict something
exactly like this?
Wait a minute.
On my way over here,
I saw a buncha
strange lights in the sky.
Where?
Over the airport.
And I heard strange
truck-like noises
coming from the highway.
Mike... Michael, what...
What are you trying to do?
Dampen those decibels,
Dick. Opportunity is knocking.
I mean, this is my chance to
be the Orson Welles of the '80s.
You know, recreate that
boffo panic he caused
during his younger,
thinner days.
That... That's
ridiculous, Michael.
That... That was caused by
a radio show 40 years ago.
I mean, uh, people
aren't gonna fall for that
in... in this day and age.
Are you kidding?
These people might as
well have signs on their back
saying, "Hoax me!"
And the last report on TV
said they were coming this way!
Oh!
And... And you know what
their logical first stop will be.
Bed and breakfasts!
People, people, Michael
just confessed to me
he's trying to pull
a hoax on you,
just like Orson Welles
did 40 years ago.
Nice try, Dick, but
I think these people
are adult enough to know that...
we're under siege!
Wait... Wait... Wait a
minute! This is crazy.
I mean, who are
you gonna believe,
someone who has everything
in the world to gain by...
By telling fantastic
stories or... or me?
Let's barricade the door!
People, will you... will you
please put my furniture down.
And... And for God's
sake, don't nick it.
Look, any invading
aliens advanced enough
to travel eons in vehicles
we can barely comprehend
are... are not gonna be
stymied by a pile of furniture.
Sure, Dick. You want us to
leave the porch light on too?
O... Okay. Okay!
I'll... I'll make a deal.
Just the parsons bench.
Care... Carefully!
Wait!
Before we're sealed up in here,
I feel it's my duty
to run through town
and sow the seeds of panic!
Michael, I'm scared.
I'm dressed like a princess,
so they're going to naturally
assume I'm the leader.
Although, no matter
how I'm dressed,
they'd probably assume that.
Okay. What do we do now?
We need to start
making some torches.
I can help you do...
Torches are for monsters.
Shovels are for UFOs.
Everyone, I'm gonna
try one more time.
What Harley saw
on TV was a movie
about Martians invading Earth.
What... What do you think they
were doing with Gene Barry?
Now, Dick's got a
point about Gene Barry.
Finally.
Obviously, they've
come for our celebrities.
Then, what are we going to do?
Well, let's give 'em Dick.
- Yeah!
- That might work!
- What?
- What?
Jim's right.
Dick may not be much, but
he's the only celebrity we've got.
Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.
Be... Besides what
Harley saw on television,
what... what other proof
do we have that there
really is an invasion?
Well, what about the
lights over the airport
and the truck-like
noises from the highway?
Airplanes and trucks.
Boy, he'll say anything to
keep from being handed over.
People, all you have
to do is turn on any TV,
and you'll see
that it's a movie.
Where is the TV?
Well, the closest one
is up in our bedroom.
To the bedroom!
My God, those fiends have
knocked 'PIV completely off the air!
- Oh.
- Aw.
Michael, you knocked
off the antenna.
Oh, sorry.
Now can you see
it's just a movie?
What's that?
It's the WPIV test pattern.
Oh, my God! It's hideous!
Something's really wrong.
Now, they're really off the air.
I... I better call the station,
see if anything's wrong.
Phones are dead!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Sure they are. Give me that.
It is dead.
A-ha!
See, that is exactly
how the Martians do it.
They always knock
out the communications.
- Oh, my.
- Stephanie, it's okay.
And this has got
Martians written all over it.
We found some more lanterns.
Michael, how much
longer do we have to do this
fearing for our lives thing?
Relax, Steph. There's
nothing to be scared of.
I think.
Ah.
Ev... Everything's
gonna be fine.
They're toying with
us, seeing if we crack.
Uh, boy, they... they
picked the wrong group here.
People, don't you...
Don't you realize that the...
The TV station going off the air
and... and... and the
blackout could... could be...
Could be because, I
don't know, the storm?
But that isn't the
only strange thing
that's been happening, Dick.
I didn't wanna
mention this, but...
I noticed that Peterson's store
was out of maple syrup today.
But they're never out.
That's a heck of a
piece of information
to be sitting on, Tyler.
What does maple syrup
have to do with flying saucers?
Who knows?
I'm not about to
try and outguess
the keen, advanced
mind of the alien.
They probably
use it for rocket fuel.
Of course!
It's rare on their planet,
and Vermont is drippin' in it!
It all fits!
You know, Drew, that's a...
That's a darn
intelligent theory,
but you know, it seems to me
that we'd all be a lot safer
panicking in the comfort
of our own homes.
You're sending
us out there, Dick?
Well, why don't you
just ring the dinner bell?
Well, I'm not budging
one more inch.
We're safe and sound
sealed tight inside here.
Excuse me.
They're here! Jump it! Kill it!
- What is it? What is it?
- Tyler...
It's Cara Huffman.
Okay, everybody. Don't kill it.
How did you get in here, Cara?
Through the mud porch.
We forgot to barricade
the other doors!
Oh, no, the kitchen furniture!
I... I'm sorry. I just
need to use the phone.
Our phones are dead.
Oh, dear.
I was driving home and...
Well, this is gonna sound crazy,
a large, glowing object
suddenly appeared in
the middle of the road.
Glowing object?
Yeah. I swerved to
avoid it, ran into a ditch,
and bumped my head.
When I came to,
five minutes had
passed, and it was gone.
I've got bad news, Mrs. Huffman.
We have every reason
to believe this planet
is being invaded
by extraterrestrials.
Oh, my God!
There's no telling
what the fiends
could have done to
her while she was out.
Maybe they're here to reproduce.
Oh! I think I feel an
alien growing inside me.
Ew.
People, this is insane.
If... If there really were aliens,
they... they'd be here by now.
Where... Where are they?
Dick's got a point.
You know, maybe
we can't see them
because they're
already among us.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Who in this room
could be from space?
Oh, now, that does it!
Oh, it all makes sense now.
He's the one that was
trying to convince us
there was no invasion.
And he was the
one who was trying
to drive us outside
into their clutches.
Or whatever they have.
Sure. He's got
the perfect set-up.
He runs an inn
so his Martian buddies'll
have a place to bunk down.
And he writes how-to books
to teach his alien friends
how to adapt to life on Earth.
And he controls the airwaves,
lulling us into a
semi-conscious state
every week with his show.
Does this mean my
baby will look like him?
Hold on here, all of you.
I have lived and
worked with Dick Loudon
for six years, and
I can definitely say
I don't really know him.
Sorry, Dick, but you do
kind of keep to yourself.
People, my husband
is not an alien.
Don't listen to her.
She's probably a droid.
She is always buying
a lot of batteries
whenever we go to the store.
Stephanie, what are
you talking abou...?
All right, all right!
Stay where you are.
Don't make me use this.
If... If you all leave
my home immediately,
without... nicking
the furniture,
I may spare you.
I said, "Leave!"
Nimradi hom a gig na nee!
Well, aren't you gonna go?
Come on, Dick. No
alien would talk like that.
Yeah, what do you
take us for, idiots?
Open up. It's Officer Shifflett.
Uh, uh, s... sorry,
Officer Shifflett,
we can't let you in until
we're sure you're human.
Okay, sounds like I have to take
down this doorway with my ram.
In three... Wa... Uh, wait!
Ram bluff gets 'em every time.
Hi, Officer Shifflett.
Sorry, there's been
some craziness here.
Not surprising under
the circumstances.
Caught this man doing
the Paul Revere bit,
saying we're all about
to become Martian meat.
Boy, am I glad to
see you, Officer.
Someone to finally
set these people
straight about this...
This invasion business.
Uh, tell 'em, won't you?
Be glad to.
Looks like we're under
siege from outer space.
What?
I'm here to round
up a few good men
to kick some
extraterrestrial butt.
You wanna fight them?
Hey, I don't care if those
Marskis got two, three butts,
I'll kick every last one.
Okay, people, it's posse time.
Okay, you, Lion,
the chub in green tights,
Tweedles dum and dee,
garbage can.
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I can't make you
fight for your planet.
You stay behind here with
the women and children.
And... And the Mountie.
Officer Shifflett,
can't you see this...
This whole outer space, uh,
scare is... is... is ridiculous?
Look, I might as well tell ya,
there've been numerous
reports comin' in.
Saucers?
Cows.
Seems the countryside's
dotted with some strange moos.
Oh, no!
Cows in Vermont!
There's more.
Seems these particular milkers
are of a
glow-in-the-dark variety.
Yeah! Martians... Oh, my God!
I take it from this reaction
that cows aren't supposed
to glow in the dark?
No, ma'am.
Okay, posse, let's move out.
Oh!
Posse halt.
Look! There's one
of them glowing cows!
Holy moly! This is real.
Look!
Something dark and
scary is coming this way!
Save us!
Super wide, and
it's got feelers.
Quick!
Douse the lanterns and hide!
Hi. I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
They're the guys from space?
That would explain so much.
We were hopin' to borrow
some non-abrasive cleanser.
What for, guys?
Well, we were trick-or-treatin',
and when Farmer
Gordon wouldn't treat,
Darryl here sprayed his
cows with fluorescent paint.
But then we realized
when those cows
are huddled together to sleep,
they wouldn't get wink one with
each other shinin' in their eyes.
Well, that closes the file
on the luminescent livestock.
I've made the Earth safe for
carbon-based lifeforms again.
'Scuse me, but you
folks look pretty panicked.
It appears we missed
out on a lot of fun.
Well, Larry, some people
here mistook the glowing cows,
among other things,
for a Martian invasion.
What a bunch of rubes.
No invasion?
Boy, are we a couple
of dumbheads or what?
Meow.
refill this marmalade jar?
Joanna, what do I look like?
A maid.
Do not.
And while you're at it,
the maple syrup
pitchers could use refilling.
Well?
It... looks good, George.
Yeah, uh, no one, you
know, no one would ever...
Ever guess it's a hairpiece.
It's part of my
Halloween costume.
The Cowardly Lion
from The Wizard of Oz.
Coming through with maple
syrup. Stupid, filthy trees.
Hi, Stephanie. This is part
of my Halloween costume.
Guess who I'm going as.
Joanna?
Stephanie!
It's the Cowardly Lion.
Oh.
Well, then, you'd better
add a tail or something
or everyone will be
guessing Joanna.
You know, Halloween was
always one of my favorite holidays.
I used to go
trick-or-treating door to door.
George, uh...
you're not... planning on
going trick-or-treating, are you?
Come on, Joanna,
I'm too old for that.
I mean, last year
I was pushing it.
Actually, uh...
I was kinda hoping I
could wear my costume
to a, uh, well, costume party.
Ooh! A party!
Right here at the
Stratford! Yes, why not?
How... How's this for a why not?
Over my dead body.
Good costume idea, Dick!
I hate Halloween parties.
All... All those people
in... In silly costumes
carving faces in
vegetables and...
I... I mean all this
beautiful furniture.
There's... There's great
potential for... for nicks.
Come on, Dick. You won't
even have to do anything.
I'll take care of
the decorations,
the party games,
I'll even create
the spooky noises.
Ooh!
And I'll... come.
Dick, all you have to
do is sit back, drink cider,
and pass judgment.
All right.
- Let's party.
- Oh, Dick!
George...
Can... can you give
me a hand here?
Something's poking me.
Oh, it's nothing,
just a jagged piece of tin
gouging at your side there.
I'm... I'm such a sissy.
Boy, you've gotta watch
out for that costume.
You could nick the
hell outta this place.
Wow!
Look at us: a Cowardly
Lion, a Tin Man, and Vampira.
I'll bet that would've
made an even better movie.
Hi, all!
Gee, it's great to be
in from the "ootside".
Oh, Steph!
Well, that's it.
I'm "oot" of here.
Wait a minute, Dick.
Your rivet's open.
Made you look.
Well, here I am.
I hope you all notice
that I'm dressed
as somebody you
have to bow down to.
- Michael.
- Oh, sorry, Steph.
Come on, you guys.
Dick, this is gonna be a
party you'll never forget.
I've recorded scary sounds,
there's gonna be
costume judging...
And are you ready for this?
Apple bobbing.
Gonna be a real night of terror.
Don't worry about all this
Halloween hokum, Dick.
In a little while, you
and I can sneak upstairs
and watch a special
fright night on WPIV.
A twin bill of War of the Worlds,
a perennial Halloween fave,
and a soon-to-be-classic:
The Boogens.
Honey, um, I don't know
how long I can stay here.
You know, I mean, The Boogens.
- Oh.
- Someone's coming.
Wow, we just got here
and already I'm a-scared.
So who are you
guys supposed to be?
Well, I'm Tweedledee
and Chester's Tweedledum.
No, Jim. I'm Tweedledee,
and you're Tweedledum.
No, I'm not.
I get so sick of the same
argument year after year.
I'm getting so many
compliments on this outfit.
Would it bother you
if I wore it all the time?
Hey, everybody! Have you heard?
It's terrible! Horrible!
What are you talking about?
Harley, what the hell
kind of costume is that?
Well, I'm a ghost, but I
get a little claustrophobic.
Anyway, the world
is coming to an end!
What are you talking about?
It's all over TV!
Special news report.
Earth is being invaded
from outer space!
What?
Very funny, Harley.
No, really. I saw these
one-eyed creatures
and their spaceships
blasting whole cities
with their death rays!
I ran out to warn everybody
as soon as they
broke for commercial.
Commercial?
Wait... wait...
wait... Wait a minute.
In... In this... In
this news report,
did you see any
famous Hollywood stars?
Hey, now that you mention
it, they got Gene Barry!
All right, everybody relax.
Michael is running the movie
War of the Worlds tonight,
which is about
an alien invasion.
Tell... uh, tell 'em, Michael.
Well, actually...
Tell... Tell 'em what, Dick?
That you're showing
War of the Worlds tonight.
No, I'm not.
We're supposed
to be running Klute.
Frankly, this whole story
sounds chilling to me!
Ooh!
You mean it's not a movie?
Didn't those psychics
in, uh, the tabloids
predict something
exactly like this?
Wait a minute.
On my way over here,
I saw a buncha
strange lights in the sky.
Where?
Over the airport.
And I heard strange
truck-like noises
coming from the highway.
Mike... Michael, what...
What are you trying to do?
Dampen those decibels,
Dick. Opportunity is knocking.
I mean, this is my chance to
be the Orson Welles of the '80s.
You know, recreate that
boffo panic he caused
during his younger,
thinner days.
That... That's
ridiculous, Michael.
That... That was caused by
a radio show 40 years ago.
I mean, uh, people
aren't gonna fall for that
in... in this day and age.
Are you kidding?
These people might as
well have signs on their back
saying, "Hoax me!"
And the last report on TV
said they were coming this way!
Oh!
And... And you know what
their logical first stop will be.
Bed and breakfasts!
People, people, Michael
just confessed to me
he's trying to pull
a hoax on you,
just like Orson Welles
did 40 years ago.
Nice try, Dick, but
I think these people
are adult enough to know that...
we're under siege!
Wait... Wait... Wait a
minute! This is crazy.
I mean, who are
you gonna believe,
someone who has everything
in the world to gain by...
By telling fantastic
stories or... or me?
Let's barricade the door!
People, will you... will you
please put my furniture down.
And... And for God's
sake, don't nick it.
Look, any invading
aliens advanced enough
to travel eons in vehicles
we can barely comprehend
are... are not gonna be
stymied by a pile of furniture.
Sure, Dick. You want us to
leave the porch light on too?
O... Okay. Okay!
I'll... I'll make a deal.
Just the parsons bench.
Care... Carefully!
Wait!
Before we're sealed up in here,
I feel it's my duty
to run through town
and sow the seeds of panic!
Michael, I'm scared.
I'm dressed like a princess,
so they're going to naturally
assume I'm the leader.
Although, no matter
how I'm dressed,
they'd probably assume that.
Okay. What do we do now?
We need to start
making some torches.
I can help you do...
Torches are for monsters.
Shovels are for UFOs.
Everyone, I'm gonna
try one more time.
What Harley saw
on TV was a movie
about Martians invading Earth.
What... What do you think they
were doing with Gene Barry?
Now, Dick's got a
point about Gene Barry.
Finally.
Obviously, they've
come for our celebrities.
Then, what are we going to do?
Well, let's give 'em Dick.
- Yeah!
- That might work!
- What?
- What?
Jim's right.
Dick may not be much, but
he's the only celebrity we've got.
Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.
Be... Besides what
Harley saw on television,
what... what other proof
do we have that there
really is an invasion?
Well, what about the
lights over the airport
and the truck-like
noises from the highway?
Airplanes and trucks.
Boy, he'll say anything to
keep from being handed over.
People, all you have
to do is turn on any TV,
and you'll see
that it's a movie.
Where is the TV?
Well, the closest one
is up in our bedroom.
To the bedroom!
My God, those fiends have
knocked 'PIV completely off the air!
- Oh.
- Aw.
Michael, you knocked
off the antenna.
Oh, sorry.
Now can you see
it's just a movie?
What's that?
It's the WPIV test pattern.
Oh, my God! It's hideous!
Something's really wrong.
Now, they're really off the air.
I... I better call the station,
see if anything's wrong.
Phones are dead!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Sure they are. Give me that.
It is dead.
A-ha!
See, that is exactly
how the Martians do it.
They always knock
out the communications.
- Oh, my.
- Stephanie, it's okay.
And this has got
Martians written all over it.
We found some more lanterns.
Michael, how much
longer do we have to do this
fearing for our lives thing?
Relax, Steph. There's
nothing to be scared of.
I think.
Ah.
Ev... Everything's
gonna be fine.
They're toying with
us, seeing if we crack.
Uh, boy, they... they
picked the wrong group here.
People, don't you...
Don't you realize that the...
The TV station going off the air
and... and... and the
blackout could... could be...
Could be because, I
don't know, the storm?
But that isn't the
only strange thing
that's been happening, Dick.
I didn't wanna
mention this, but...
I noticed that Peterson's store
was out of maple syrup today.
But they're never out.
That's a heck of a
piece of information
to be sitting on, Tyler.
What does maple syrup
have to do with flying saucers?
Who knows?
I'm not about to
try and outguess
the keen, advanced
mind of the alien.
They probably
use it for rocket fuel.
Of course!
It's rare on their planet,
and Vermont is drippin' in it!
It all fits!
You know, Drew, that's a...
That's a darn
intelligent theory,
but you know, it seems to me
that we'd all be a lot safer
panicking in the comfort
of our own homes.
You're sending
us out there, Dick?
Well, why don't you
just ring the dinner bell?
Well, I'm not budging
one more inch.
We're safe and sound
sealed tight inside here.
Excuse me.
They're here! Jump it! Kill it!
- What is it? What is it?
- Tyler...
It's Cara Huffman.
Okay, everybody. Don't kill it.
How did you get in here, Cara?
Through the mud porch.
We forgot to barricade
the other doors!
Oh, no, the kitchen furniture!
I... I'm sorry. I just
need to use the phone.
Our phones are dead.
Oh, dear.
I was driving home and...
Well, this is gonna sound crazy,
a large, glowing object
suddenly appeared in
the middle of the road.
Glowing object?
Yeah. I swerved to
avoid it, ran into a ditch,
and bumped my head.
When I came to,
five minutes had
passed, and it was gone.
I've got bad news, Mrs. Huffman.
We have every reason
to believe this planet
is being invaded
by extraterrestrials.
Oh, my God!
There's no telling
what the fiends
could have done to
her while she was out.
Maybe they're here to reproduce.
Oh! I think I feel an
alien growing inside me.
Ew.
People, this is insane.
If... If there really were aliens,
they... they'd be here by now.
Where... Where are they?
Dick's got a point.
You know, maybe
we can't see them
because they're
already among us.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Who in this room
could be from space?
Oh, now, that does it!
Oh, it all makes sense now.
He's the one that was
trying to convince us
there was no invasion.
And he was the
one who was trying
to drive us outside
into their clutches.
Or whatever they have.
Sure. He's got
the perfect set-up.
He runs an inn
so his Martian buddies'll
have a place to bunk down.
And he writes how-to books
to teach his alien friends
how to adapt to life on Earth.
And he controls the airwaves,
lulling us into a
semi-conscious state
every week with his show.
Does this mean my
baby will look like him?
Hold on here, all of you.
I have lived and
worked with Dick Loudon
for six years, and
I can definitely say
I don't really know him.
Sorry, Dick, but you do
kind of keep to yourself.
People, my husband
is not an alien.
Don't listen to her.
She's probably a droid.
She is always buying
a lot of batteries
whenever we go to the store.
Stephanie, what are
you talking abou...?
All right, all right!
Stay where you are.
Don't make me use this.
If... If you all leave
my home immediately,
without... nicking
the furniture,
I may spare you.
I said, "Leave!"
Nimradi hom a gig na nee!
Well, aren't you gonna go?
Come on, Dick. No
alien would talk like that.
Yeah, what do you
take us for, idiots?
Open up. It's Officer Shifflett.
Uh, uh, s... sorry,
Officer Shifflett,
we can't let you in until
we're sure you're human.
Okay, sounds like I have to take
down this doorway with my ram.
In three... Wa... Uh, wait!
Ram bluff gets 'em every time.
Hi, Officer Shifflett.
Sorry, there's been
some craziness here.
Not surprising under
the circumstances.
Caught this man doing
the Paul Revere bit,
saying we're all about
to become Martian meat.
Boy, am I glad to
see you, Officer.
Someone to finally
set these people
straight about this...
This invasion business.
Uh, tell 'em, won't you?
Be glad to.
Looks like we're under
siege from outer space.
What?
I'm here to round
up a few good men
to kick some
extraterrestrial butt.
You wanna fight them?
Hey, I don't care if those
Marskis got two, three butts,
I'll kick every last one.
Okay, people, it's posse time.
Okay, you, Lion,
the chub in green tights,
Tweedles dum and dee,
garbage can.
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I can't make you
fight for your planet.
You stay behind here with
the women and children.
And... And the Mountie.
Officer Shifflett,
can't you see this...
This whole outer space, uh,
scare is... is... is ridiculous?
Look, I might as well tell ya,
there've been numerous
reports comin' in.
Saucers?
Cows.
Seems the countryside's
dotted with some strange moos.
Oh, no!
Cows in Vermont!
There's more.
Seems these particular milkers
are of a
glow-in-the-dark variety.
Yeah! Martians... Oh, my God!
I take it from this reaction
that cows aren't supposed
to glow in the dark?
No, ma'am.
Okay, posse, let's move out.
Oh!
Posse halt.
Look! There's one
of them glowing cows!
Holy moly! This is real.
Look!
Something dark and
scary is coming this way!
Save us!
Super wide, and
it's got feelers.
Quick!
Douse the lanterns and hide!
Hi. I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
They're the guys from space?
That would explain so much.
We were hopin' to borrow
some non-abrasive cleanser.
What for, guys?
Well, we were trick-or-treatin',
and when Farmer
Gordon wouldn't treat,
Darryl here sprayed his
cows with fluorescent paint.
But then we realized
when those cows
are huddled together to sleep,
they wouldn't get wink one with
each other shinin' in their eyes.
Well, that closes the file
on the luminescent livestock.
I've made the Earth safe for
carbon-based lifeforms again.
'Scuse me, but you
folks look pretty panicked.
It appears we missed
out on a lot of fun.
Well, Larry, some people
here mistook the glowing cows,
among other things,
for a Martian invasion.
What a bunch of rubes.
No invasion?
Boy, are we a couple
of dumbheads or what?
Meow.