Newhart (1982–1990): Season 6, Episode 3 - Inn This Corner - full transcript

So everything in this inn
is exactly the way it was

in the 18th century?

That's right.

They had Anso Nylon
carpet back then?

Well, uh, yeah.

Those were the... the
more advanced looms.

Oh, you two really seem
to have a great life here.

This place is perfect.

Well, almost.

Like, I've always wanted
a... A piano over in here.

People could come
in and gather around.



And stare, because no
one here knows how to play?

Well, honey,

with all those people
standing and staring,

there'd be a lot of pressure
on one of us to learn.

Even without the piano,

this is the best place
we have ever stayed.

Oh, we've got one
more stop left on the tour.

Dick's study.

Yeah, this is where
the magic happens.

And he writes books in here too.

Hi. I'm... Oh.

Finally.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,



and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Hi, guys.

Fellas, this is Leah
and Kerry Myers.

We were just giving
them a tour of the inn.

Oh.

Could we hook up with you now,

or do we have to wait

for the rest of the
group to come by?

A... Actually, the...
The tour is over.

Good.

'Cause we wanted to
throw something at ya

and see if it sticks.

It's... it's all right. It's...
It's just a figure of speech.

Ri... right, guys?

Yeah. Sorry to disappoint.

Things haven't been
going so well at the café.

We need your opinion.

About what?

Used food.

How do you feel about it?

Well, that... that depends.

Wh... what... what are
you gonna do with it?

Serve it.

See, we've noticed

that we've been gettin'
a lot of our food back

with just a couple of
bites taken out of it.

We figured if we priced
it at a small discount,

Slightly Irregular Hamburger
could become quite popular.

Darryl worked out the
figures, and it seems

we could get three
to five times our return

on a single piece of meat.

Guys, could...

Could we talk about this later?

Sure.

How 'bout you guys come
over and join us for supper?

Be the first to
sample our new idea.

Oh. Well, actually, the second.

Uh, guys, this...
This sounds like

something we should
discuss ov... over the phone.

Yeah.

Okay.

Darryl, let's get to
work on a new slogan.

How's this?

Clean the plate... of
someone who didn't.

Friends of yours?

Well, let's... Let's
put it this way.

They... they live in the
neighborhood and as...

As innkeepers...

it wouldn't be right to...
To lock the front door.

Listen, why don't you guys
join us for dinner tonight?

We're gonna have baked halibut.

Well, we were gonna
check out the scenery.

Well, why don't you have
dinner with us and, uh,

look at these?

Okay, we will.

Great!

I think you're really
gonna enjoy the fish.

Joanna and I hardly
touched it last night.

Okay, two grapefruit halves.

Uh, but I ordered the
jumbo stack of pancakes.

Trust me.

Morning, guys!

- Morning, George.
- Morning, George.

Boy, if we had a dog,
I'd think he was dead.

We don't, do we?

No. Something worse.

It's the Myers.

Are they dead?

No. No, George.

The Myers are checking out
today, and we're gonna miss them.

Oh, darn.

They're leaving already?

Gee, they're probably
the nicest couple

I've ever met here.

Not counting you two, of course.

But you don't really
count, 'cause you live here.

Of course, it did take me a
while to warm up to you two.

Especially you, Dick.

First couple of weeks, I
thought you were a real...

George.

Kerry and Leah are just
so much fun to be with.

They're the only
couple in history

who have ever gotten
Dick to play charades.

Really? Dick, charades?

Well, once I got the hang of it,
I was... I was pretty unbeatable.

They're just two of the most
likeable people I've ever met.

Yeah, they were a
pretty nice couple.

Stephanie, you
liked some guests?

Uh-huh. They were real sweet.

I only had to tell them
once and from then on,

they did all their own chores.

Try not to let Kerry and
Leah see you like this.

I mean, I'm sure they're
feeling bad enough themselves.

Good morning!

I guess they don't like you
anywhere as near as much

as you like them.

You're never gonna
believe what we just did.

I can't believe
what we just did.

What?

Wait, wait.

- How many words?
- Oh!

Ah!

Okay, good.

Okay. Four words.

First word.

Uh, "you".

Gee, Dick, you are good.

Second word.

You bought something. Uh...

You... you bought a house.

They... they bought a house.

That's terrific. Where?

In the kitchen!

No.

You bought a house
in... in the kitchen.

No, no, no, no, no.
Oh. Down the block?

You bought that old
Victorian down the block?

That's great!

- We're gonna be neighbors!
- Wait, wait. There's more.

Uh... Uh, y... you.

Uh...

You're turning.
You're turning what?

The house!

You're turning the house!

Sorry.

O... Okay, okay.

You're... you're
turning the house... In.

You're turning the house in?

You're... you're turning
the house into an inn!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

They're turning the
house into an inn!

Right... right down our block.

Looks, uh, much pretty deserted.

Dick, stop gloating.

We came over here
to wish them well.

Right. We... we... we
do like these people,

and we know how hard it is to...

To get an inn off
the ground and...

these people need our support.

They call this a lobby?

Dick! Joanna!

Welcome to the Loon Inn.

So what do you think
now that it's all done?

Well, I just can't believe
you got all this done

in one month.

Gorgeous bay window,
lovely wall paper,

and beautiful hardwood floors.

My piano.

Honey, why don't you give
Kerry the gift we brought them?

That's my piano.

Dick.

Uh, right. Uh, con...
Congratulations.

Oh!

It's supposed to be

the hardest jigsaw
puzzle in the world.

3000 pieces, all black.

Yeah, we, uh...

We woulda gone crazy
the first couple months,

uh, you know, waiting
for people to check in

if it hadn't been for that baby.

Yeah.

But then... then
maybe, you know,

you won't... you won't
have that... that kind of time.

Sorry I wasn't
here to greet you.

Can you believe this?

Hey, did you see our
review in The Boston Globe?

No.

Apparently we were the only
ones in the free world who didn't.

You won't believe this, Dick,

but we called them up
and their travel editor

came running right over.

Say, I wanted to ask you,

how do you handle
your waiting list?

Pret... pretty...
Pretty much like this.

Oh! Oh! Dick, Joanna,
this is Susan, our maid.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Oh, boy.

It just never stops, does it?

Did you get everyone's
kids to sleep?

Oh, one and a half fairy tales,
and they were out like a light.

Sounds like you like kids.

Oh, yes, I love them.

You... you might
even like guests too.

I'm a people person. More wine?

I think when God was
handing out hired help, he said,

"Watch what I do
to the Loudons."

Okay, everybody, you
know what time it is!

Time for something
terrific, I'll bet.

Yeah.

Gray skies are gonna
clear up Put on a happy face

Everybody!

Slap on a smile and cheer
up Put on a happy face

Dick, Joanna, get over here!

Take off the gloomy
mask of tragedy

It's not your style

You'll look so good
that you'll be glad

You decided to
smile Take it, Dick!

So put on a happy face.

Uh, is, uh, is... is this
the, uh, the Loon Inn?

Do, uh... do, uh... do you have...
Do you have a room for tonight?

I... I see. How... How
s... How soon would...

How soon would one be available?

Oh, I... I don't know...

I don't know if I... I
can wait that long.

I... I... I am an
elderly gentleman.

Bye. Bye, sonny.

Dick, you forgot
to ask if they have

Prince Albert in a can.

Booked through
the end of the year.

Now do you believe
me? We're goners.

Honey, don't you
think you're making

a little too much out of this?

Oh, I don't know.
They open, we close.

Maybe you're right,
it's... It's no big deal.

Good morning, everybody!

Good morning?

Stephanie, it's
almost 11 o'clock.

Eleven?

Oh, no. I wanted to
be in the stores by 10.

Stephanie, are... Are
you ever planning to...

To dust and vacuum
again during your stay here?

Well, what on earth for, Dick?

I mean, nobody's here.

Nobody's here, right?

Nobody called ahead
for reservations?

Well, no.

Darn.

Uh, be... be... before you go.

Um...

if we had some guests and...
And they... and they had kids,

would... would you
consider babysitting for them?

I'd burn my hair first.

Well, that might
entertain the kids.

Oh, good. They're here.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

We got something
to discuss with you.

Well, sure, guys.

We'll break it to you gently.

You're ruining our lives.

Well, all... All I
can say is oops.

All these years, we've
been rackin' our brains

trying to come up with
some promotional ideas,

i.e.,

used food,

organ meat of the week,

and the disappointing
gizzard on a stick.

But now we realize

all the ingenuity in the world

won't help us overcome
our biggest liability.

Our location.

Smack dab right next to
the black hole of commerce.

We'd like to ask you a favor.

And feel free to say no.

Would you consider
shifting your inn

back a few feet

so that there's a more
direct view of our place

from the Loon?

No.

Darn.

Looks like we built

our forearms up for nothin'.

Oh, uh... uh,
George, sit... Sit down.

We're gonna have a meeting.

Uh-oh.

This is it, isn't it?

This is just the way it happened

the last time the
inn went under.

Dick,

if this is a meeting

to get more people to come here

so I have to do work again,

I don't really think I
wanna be any part of it.

Now, it's...

It's no secret that the business
hasn't exactly been booming...

Is that a car?

It is!

They're pulling in.

They've stopped.

They're looking at a map.

They're pointing to the Loon.

They're driving away.

I can't watch anymore.

O... okay, we... we've
played dead long enough.

And we've gotta come
up with a plan that'll...

That'll put us back on top.

Dick, while you guys
think, is it okay if I start

boarding up a few windows?

George, sit down.

What's the use?

The old owners
tried a last-ditch effort

to save this place too.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying the
Stratford closed before?

And it might close again?

And if that happened,

I don't suppose you'd
keep on paying me.

Well, come on, people.
What are we gonna do?

Okay, the first thing to do

is to get this place in
tip-top working order,

and since I wanna
keep the staff I have,

I think each one of us
should come up with a...

A way that we could be
better at our... at our jobs.

All right.

Uh, Joanna.

Okay.

I've been thinking
we could put together

a whole pampering
weekend package.

Stephanie could
even serve people

breakfast in bed.

George?

Well, I... I might be able
to make the basement

into a game room

if Stephanie could
help me clean out, uh,

some of the junk and cobwebs.

Great, George.

Stephanie?

Uh, George, going under,
was it really that bad?

Hi, hi, Stratford Inn... mates.

Still doing solitary?

Michael, we're in the
middle of a meeting.

Oh, you mean about
this place going belly-up?

Well, uh, listen,

I've been giving the
problem some thought

and I think I've come
up with a solution.

Picture the neon:

Dick's Rendezvous Inn.

Heart-shaped beds,

a few well-placed mirrors,

you've got a whole
new ambiance here.

No!

Trust me, the only
way to fight quality

is with sleaze.

Okay.

I've got one more idea
in the winner's circle.

Start rumors about
the other place, huh?

Maybe that poltergeist thing?

Or no, wait.

The ghost from Amityville.

Give it up, Michael.

Well, Joanna, that spook
had to go somewhere.

Who's to say it's not
right down the street?

It could be. Everybody else is.

George, I didn't
know you played?

Well, I don't really.
That's all I know.

Just... just the one song?

No, just the one intro.

See, last year at the
Beaver Pancake Fest,

I won a one-hour piano
lesson from Mrs. Klinkerman.

At, uh, Klinkerman's Piano
and Tractor Emporium.

But, you know, Dick,

uh, it takes more than an hour
to learn how to play the piano.

So that was as far
as she could teach me

before the timer dinged.

I hate this stupid dress.

It makes me look like a maid.

And the people who just
pulled into the driveway

are probably gonna see me in it.

George, go look and make
sure they're getting out of the car!

No way.

I've been burned too many times.

A... A... All right, this is it.

It's the beginning of the new
and improved Stratford Inn.

All right, every...
everybody. Line... Line up.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I actually come from a
very wealthy background.

Stephanie.

Well, you made me wear this.

Hi. I'm... I'm Dick...
I'm Dick Loudon,

and this is my
fun-loving wife, Joanna...

and everybody's pal, George.

I'm... I'm sure we're gonna
be real, real good friends.

Hors d'oeuvres?

No, thanks.

My daddy could buy and sell you.

Stephanie, would you
please go and get...

Room Four ready?

Um, uh, actually, I
think we'd like to wait

just a little while.

Why?

Well, see, we're on
standby at the Loon.

I humiliated myself for nothing!

Look, honey.

You can see the other
inn from the porch.

It's almost like we're there.

Yeah, it's, uh, quite
a... A photo opportunity

right out there along...
Along that railing.

Oh, if that's for you, could...
Could you keep it short,

in case the Loon's trying
to get through to us?

He... hello, uh,
Strat... Stratford Inn.

Well, you're... you're
in luck. It... it's the Loon.

Be nice.

O... o... okay, I'll tell 'em.

Uh, it... it doesn't...
It doesn't look good.

Oh.

Now what are we supposed to do?

Well, you know, I know this
may be kinda out of left field,

but, uh,

I mean, you know,
you could stay here.

What do you think?

Well, it's either this place
or sleeping in the car.

Well, we don't
have to decide now.

No.

I mean, there's no chance
you're gonna fill up, right?

Naw.

Uh, but in... But
in five minutes,

uh, everybody's pal
George will throw you out.

Okay.

Okay, Room 4.

Top of the stairs to your right,

and George will
bring up your luggage.

Honey, it won't be that bad.

I hate this place. I
feel like I'm in hell!

Well, our first guests

of the new, improved Stratford.

Yes, what I've always wanted,

a hotel full of
bitter Loon rejects.

Someone's coming up the walk.

Okay, everybody.

- Let's get into our positions...
- I'm not lining up

until I know they're staying.

- Kerry, Leah!
- Hi.

Oh, good, people with
servants of their own.

Mind if we sit down for a while?

We just wanted to go
someplace for a few minutes

of peace and quiet.

Funny... funny our place

would've popped into your mind.

Boy, you guys have it made.

This is the kind of
inn we wanted to build.

How do you create such a
quiet, relaxed atmosphere?

Hey, we're... We're
not giving away

all our secrets.

If we wanted the rat race,

we would've stayed in the city.

This word of
mouth is killing us.

Tell you the truth, Dick,
we're thinking of selling.

You, uh... you... you are?

Someone's already
made you an offer.

The bizarre thing is,

they don't even
wanna use it as an inn.

They just wanna live there.

Do you think we should sell?

We're probably not
the people to ask.

Oh, come on. Talk us out of it.

Don't... don't sell.

Nice try, Dick, but
we really have to.

We're gonna miss you guys.

All I can say is, um, ditto.

Well, thanks for all your help.

I guess we'd better
get back and start...

cancelling all
those reservations.

Oh! We could refer
them all to the Stratford.

Oh, no. Couldn't do
that to Dick and Joanna.

Well, it...

You know, it'd be
a nightmare, but,

you know, feel... Feel
free just, um, just...

Just this once, you know?

Aw, you guys.

Oh.

Bye.

Well, we shut 'em
down inside of a month.

Meow.