Newhart (1982–1990): Season 6, Episode 1 - Here's to You, Mrs. Loudon - full transcript

Morning, George.

Dick, I've got a serious
personal problem

and I'd like to
discuss it with you.

Okay.

I need a nickname,
Dick, and I need it soon.

Well, the...

The first question that...
That pops to mind is, uh,

why?

Well, the Beavers are
putting out a facebook.

Facebook?

You know, a book of
pictures of our faces



with our names under them?

All the Beavers except
me have nicknames.

There's Dwayne "Porky" Moyer,

Haymond "Noodle" Birkhead...

George, why don't you just

pick a name that you
like and... and use it?

No, a nickname has to
be a genuine reflection

of how people around
you feel about you.

Come on, Dick,
finish this sentence.

"I think George is..."

Is, uh... is... is swell.

George "Swelly" Utley.

No good, Dick.

It makes me sound
like I have a condition.



Try something else.

I... I... I'll work
on it, George.

Okay, but I don't
have much time.

I have to get a nickname
and get it into general use

by next Tuesday.

Morning, everybody.

- Good Morning.
- Oh, morning, Joanna.

Uh, Mrs. Loudon?

Are... are you gonna
go birdwatching

with us again today?

Oh, I don't think I can, Andy.

Oh. Oh, that's too bad.

I think we're really closin'
in on that evening grosbeak.

It'll be my loss.

Okay, well, um, if I see it,

I'll take an extra
picture for ya.

Two different f-stops.

Is that the one with
the crush on you?

Yeah. Isn't he cute?

Could, uh... could...
Could I get in on this?

We're just talking
about the little crush

Andy seems to have on me.

Oh, really?

I... I didn't notice anything.

It's in the eyes.

Well, maybe Dick's right.

I'm probably reading
too much into things.

Exactly.

What... what things?

Oh, the way that he
opened the door for me,

the fact that he carried
my binoculars home.

The eyes.

There now.

That's better, huh?

Thanks, Mrs. Loudon.

I probably shouldn't have
gone for that second f-stop.

Oh.

Told you he has a crush.

He sprained his ankle,
George. That's all.

He's in pain, not love.

Isn't this sweet?

What is it?

A little haiku
Andy wrote for me.

"The lovely warbler...

Your eyes and voice overwhelm...

He pales, you shimmer."

Okay, he's got a crush.

Who has a crush?

Andy has a crush
on Joanna. Satisfied?

Well, that's odd.

I don't remember Andy
having a crush on me.

He doesn't have it on
you, he has it on me.

Right.

But the natural course of events

would be for him to
have a crush on me,

feel rejected and
then move on to you.

Unless... un... unless
something is very wrong.

Nobody panic, but...

I think I'm starting
to doubt myself.

Oh, dear.

Here, here.

Sweep it off.

You're not upset
about this crush thing?

Honey, I... I was young once.

All young men have
crushes on older women.

It's... It's harmless.

What do you mean, older?

Having lived more years than he.

I see.

Wait... wait... wait a minute.

You... you can't get mad
at me for saying you're older

when... you are older.

I can get mad
when you say "older"

as if it were synonymous
with "ancient."

That's kind of how it
sounded to me too, Dick.

George...

Cupcake, good news.

The rebate on the
espresso machine

came today, so
there's dinero for dinner.

What's wrong?

Michael, see that
boy over there?

Yeah?

He doesn't have a thing for me.

Go on.

No, I think it's true.

Watch.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you reading?

Uh, a magazine.

Michael, comfort me!

Cupcake, I know this is
gonna be hard to believe,

but there's gonna
be the occasional guy

who doesn't like...

girls.

But he likes
Joanna, just not me.

He's sick!

Do you really think so?

What else could it
be? He's at that age.

Maybe his hormones
kicked in funny or something.

That does happen
sometimes, doesn't it?

Besides, Steph, you have me now

so you've probably
been sending out

"not available" vibes.

Don't be silly, Michael.

No.

You were right the
first time. He's sick.

Poor thing.

Well, let's eat.

Might wanna check the gloss
on those sweet lips, sweet lips.

Boy, the way you come up
with nicknames is amazing.

It's a gift.

Michael, I need a nickname.

Well, let's throw
the old brain into first

and see what we get.

I would suggest Tool Jockey

or Denim Dude.

Or my personal favorite, Bub.

Well, thanks, Michael.

Anytime, bub.

Ah.

Have you come up with
any nicknames for me?

Uh... uh, not yet, George.

Uh, I don't... I don't
look like a Bub to you?

Do I, Dick?

Not really.

What's wrong with me, Dick?

Why don't I have a nickname?

George, not... not
everybody does. I... I don't.

Sure you do.

Dick is a nickname for Richard.

Your college friends
named you Slats.

Even the fellows
at the barbershop,

they... they call
you "that writer guy."

You're a fountain of nicknames.

Well... well, maybe
I was a bad choice.

Uh, Michael doesn't
have a nickname.

Well, that's because people

aren't really that
crazy about Michael.

Maybe that's why I
don't have a nickname.

Because no one's
really crazy about me.

And I never knew until
they didn't call me Bub.

Come in.

Hi, Joanna.

Oh, um, I didn't
know you were here.

Yeah. Yeah, I,
uh... I... I sleep here.

With... with my wife.

What do you want, Andy?

Oh, I... I just
wanted to return this.

Thanks. My ankle
feels a lot better.

- Oh good.
- Yeah, super.

Well, uh, good night.

Good night, sweetie.

Good-bye.

You know, Joanna, uh,

this is getting a touch
out of hand and...

And I think, you know,

you're starting
to encourage him.

What?

I think maybe it's
time to, you know,

nip this thing in the bud.

Dick, don't be ridiculous.
I was just being nice.

He's only gonna be
here a few more days,

and I don't want his first
crush to end with him hurt.

Come on. Be a sport.

Well, I guess I can

try not to feel threatened
by a 16-year-old.

Besides, um, I
understand being a sport

really impresses the ladies.

What? What?

Oh, I was just remembering
something Andy said.

What?

He asked me whether it
was important to women

that their men shave.

Yeah, I gotta give you credit
for keeping a straight face

with all those...
those goofy questions.

No, actually,

I'm sort of flattered
by Andy's affections.

He makes me feel less ancient.

If I were 16, I'd be
crazy about him.

J... Joanna, you wanna...
You wanna quit now?

I'm starting to
have a little trouble

being a sport.

I just think the
crush is a nice thing

that both Andy and I can enjoy.

Joanna?

And tomorrow, I'll nip it.

Come in.

It's me, Dick.

George "Nothing" Utley.

Joanna said you
wanted to see me.

George, I spent all morning

coming up with a
nickname for ya,

and I found one I
think... I think is perfect.

Dusty!

I don't like it, Dick.

How can you not
like it? It's perfect.

You're a handyman,

so sometimes you get dusty.

That's not a real
good reason, Dick.

Well, besides, uh,

Dusty was the name
of my favorite, uh,

cowboy star when I was a kid.

And I kinda remind you of him?

Okay.

George "Dusty" Utley.

"Hey, Dusty!"

"Good ol' Dusty Utley."

It's growing on
me, Dick. Thanks.

Any time, George.

See you later, Slats.

See ya...

Dust.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you... you talk to Andy?

Yeah.

And?

And it was a good talk.

I laid the groundwork for...

explaining to him how this...

infatuation is not
such a good idea,

and the next
time I see him I'll...

Definitely be able to
tell him it has to stop.

When... when will that be?

On our date.

Joanna, don't you think
that... that... that dating him

i... is encouraging him?

I know, Dick.

I didn't want this to happen,

but you know what a
hard time I have saying no.

No, I don't.

Back in New York,
when I didn't wanna

go out with a boy
on a second date,

I wouldn't say no,

I'd just bring my
roommate Betsy along.

And sometime during
the evening, she'd tell him.

Seems like an extreme
way for an adult...

Wait a minute!

You brought Betsy
on our second date!

Well, yeah, but Betsy
thought you were too cute

and wouldn't tell you
why she was there.

You mean, we're together because
Betsy wouldn't break up with me?

And I have never
regretted her decision.

Honey, this isn't
helping me with Andy.

I'm still bad at saying no.

Well, then... Then,
let me teach you.

Do... do you like
Brussels sprouts?

No.

Great!

You seem ready for me. Okay, go!

Dick, I don't wanna hurt him.

You wanna see this
for the rest of your life?

No.

Just keep saying that word.

Dick, would you...?

Just call me Betsy.

I don't know what to do.

It's simple.

Just tell him how you feel.

But I wanna let him down gently.

Well, then, tell him
how you feel in a haiku.

- Oh. Hi, Joanna.
- Hi.

Mr. Loudon.

Um, are you ready
to go to lunch?

Andy, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I'm... I'm just here to, uh...

I'm... I'm just here.

Andy, I like you.

I really like you, but...

Now, I know the word
"but" is usually followed

by something negative
in these situations, but...

in this case,

what's about to
come is not really...

negative, but more...

neutral.

Now, it may not seem neutral
now, but one day you'll see...

Oh, I... I know, adults
are always saying,

"One day you'll see," but...

That's because we, being adults,

are older and wiser

and know that one
day you really will see

what we are already seeing

and are now telling you.

So what I mean is,

Andy, I like you.

What... what Joanna
is trying to say, Andy,

i... is no.

As... as in no, you can't
go to lunch with her,

no she can't accept
any more gifts from you,

and no, she can't be your
girl, so cut it out. Okay?

Oh.

Okay.

Sorry.

See ya.

Boy, when you say you're...
You're not good at something,

you... you don't give
yourself enough credit.

But he... he seemed
to take it pretty well.

And why did he
have to be told, Dick?

- Because we decided...
- No.

You decided.

You decided that even though

he'd be gone in
three little days,

he had to be told today.

And you decided that
something was wrong

with someone paying a
little special attention to me.

In fact, you were the
only person uncomfortable

about this situation,

and now you're the only
one who isn't miserable.

Well, I hope you're good
and happy now, Mr... You!

A... Andy, wh... why don't...

Why don't you have a seat?

I... I didn't bring you
here to... To yell at you.

You gonna slug me?

No, I just wanna ask
you some questions.

Okay.

You're... you're leaving
on Sunday, right?

Yes, sir.

And you have no plans to
ever, ever come back here?

Not really. No.

Remember that flirting

that you were
doing with my wife?

Yeah.

Well, start doing it again.

Sir?

Start doing it again.

You told me not to.

A... Andy, I don't wanna
have to go into this with you.

I'm the adult so
obviously, I know best.

Now, go flirt with my wife.

Um, uh, anything special
that you want me to do?

Here.

Here's... here's some money.

Go... go buy some...
Some flirt things.

Just go... go wild.

Oh, um, is it all right if I
get 'em tomorrow morning?

I have a group sing tonight.

Fine.

You don't think
this is at all weird?

Andy, don't analyze
this thing to death!

Oh, and, Andy.

Yeah?

If you tell anyone about this,

I'll slug ya.

Morning, Dick.

Morning... morning,
George. I... I mean, Dusty.

Uh, I need to talk to
you about that, Dick.

The name's not working out.

Why... wh... why not?

I realized a nickname
can be dangerous.

I... I can't even
imagine, George.

Suppose I'm
crossing a busy street.

A huge truck is
barrelling towards me

at top speed.

But for some reason,
I don't notice it.

I'm moseying along

without a care in the world.

Suddenly, some pal
of mine sees the truck,

realizes the danger and
yells, "Watch out, Dusty!"

In the split second it takes
me to realize I'm Dusty,

I could be something
you gotta put flares around.

I n... I never thought of that.

And... and I never would have.

I think it's a lot safer
to go through life

with a name you know is yours.

Well, this has been a
pretty morbid conversation.

I think I'll go to my room

and practice my reaction time.

Dick, do you want breakfast now?

No, I think I'll wait until,
uh, Joanna comes in

and sees Andy and...

happiness reigns
again in... in my little inn.

I'm turning stuff
off in five minutes.

Morning.

Morning.

Are you, uh,

are you mad?

Yes.

At myself.

Huh?

Last night I was
having trouble sleeping,

and I realized that maybe
it was because I was...

wrong.

You w... you w... you were?

I was so caught
up in Andy's flattery

that I was leading him on.

He needed to be told.

Not the way you told him,

but I'm... glad it's over.

Yeah.

Yeah, me... me... me... me too.

Hi, Joanna.

Um, these are for you.

An... Andy!

I... I... I thought we decided we
weren't gonna do this anymore.

Mr. Loudon,

I wish you'd just go
ahead and slug me.

I mean, one minute
you tell me to stop,

the next minute you tell
me to start again and...

Hold it.

Start again?

You come with me. You stay here.

That's "Mr. You."

Sit.

Andy, all your
attention is very nice,

but I'm afraid I can't
return your feelings

because mine are already
promised to someone else.

Mr. Loudon.

He's the one who said it
was okay to do this stuff.

Well,

as much as I love Mr. Loudon,
unfortunately, he is a lunatic.

Andy, you need
to save your efforts

for somebody who's
free to care back.

And whoever she turns out to be,

I'm gonna be a
little jealous of her.

Really?

Mm-hm.

Well, I won't bring
her here, then.

Thank you.

Dick, do you wanna eat now?

I, uh, think I'll wait
until the yelling stops.

Will that be before or
after happiness reigns?

Go away.

First of all, you acted as
if that boy had no feelings.

I... I know.

Secondly, Andy is
not a pawn to be used

to cheer somebody up.

You're... you're right.

And most of all,

I think what you
did was very sweet.

S... sweet?

Stupid, but
well-intentioned and sweet.

Well, you know, I...
you know, that... I mean,

that's what I was shooting for.

Were the roses your idea?

Well, they... They
are your favorite.

And the note?

You... you love those.

And the picnic brunch?

Well, you know
how crazy you are...

He...

He invited you to
a picnic brunch?

Yeah, in Vickers
Park in 15 minutes.

He already bought the food.

Uh, Joanna?

Wait for Betsy.

Meow.