Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 22 - Harris Ankles PIV for Web Post - full transcript
Michael has an offer to take a network job.
No, I'm... I'm sorry.
We don't allow pets.
Yes, I... I just heard
Sparky whimper,
but I'm... I'm not
gonna change my mind.
Well, uh, uh, same to you, lady.
Boy, do I have news!
What... what...
what is it, George?
I was just savoring
the moment, Dick.
Dick, I found a rock!
George, you... you should
have told me to sit down for this.
No, it's not just any rock.
It looks like a giant duck!
Oh, you... you mean,
uh, like a rock formation.
Dick, will you let me
tell my own news?
I was walking in
Stoney Ridge Woods
near the stream, when I saw it.
It's something I've been
looking for all my life:
a rock that looks
like something!
And now I've found
it. A duck, Dick!
And the best part is,
when you find one of these,
you get to name it.
How 'bout, uh, Duck Rock?
Well, I already
thought of that, Dick,
but I'm afraid people will
hear it like, "Duck! Rock!"
It's not gonna be easy
coming up with a name.
Now I know what
God went through.
Great news, everybody!
Dick, you're the
only one I've told.
This news rated four "oohs"
on the Stephanie
Excitement scale.
That's the most since...
Well, never mind.
Uh, this guy right
here, yours truly,
has a network job interview.
So, Dick, what do you say?
Ooh!
I knew you'd be excited.
I take off for Gotham tomorrow,
and then my career takes off.
Well, Michael, I guess this
is a big day for both of us.
Really? What's going
on with you, George?
I found a rock that
looks like a duck.
Yeah, sounds like
we're neck-and-neck.
What... what network
would possibly want...?
Um, how did this come about?
Well, this big
programming honcho
was on a ski weekend in Vermont,
caught some of my stuff on
'PIV and flipped his pancakes.
Yes, and now Michael
and I get to go to New York
and live happily ever after.
Well, Steph, I have
to get the job first.
You will, Michael.
Well, good luck
on the interview.
Thanks, Dick. I
think I'll do just fine.
I've been boning
up on my buzzwords,
you know, so I'll fit
right in with this web guy.
Uh, "web guy"?
Network exec.
All I have to do is
work "audience flow"
and "confab power breakfast"
into the conversation,
and that job's mine.
Boy, I'd hate to be a fly
on the wall in that office.
Mr. Taylor will
be right with you.
Can I get you anything?
How about the job?
Wow! An actual network
scheduling board!
Yeah. That's better.
Wow! An actual network award!
I just wanna thank
everyone who had...
Are you Michael Harris?
Uh, that depends.
On what?
On whether this was
broken before or not.
Don't worry. It was.
I would've sent it
back to the Academy,
but I didn't wanna
give 'em a chance
to have any second thoughts.
Michael Harris.
It's an honor to meet you,
Mr. Taylor, Vice President,
Current Programs.
You don't have to
be quite so formal.
Oh, well, I heard
you guys really get off
on hearing your titles.
It's all right, really.
Oh, I... I made a
couple changes.
So I noticed.
And don't worry, I'll
remember what they were.
By the way, I could
help but glancing
at the ratings on your desk,
and may I say congratulations,
you really creamed that chuffa
chuffa news special last night.
I feel kinda bad about that.
I watched that news special.
It was good. I wish
more people had seen it.
Don't worry. That
won't leave this room.
Michael, why don't you tell
me a little about yourself?
Could I tell you a lot
about myself instead?
Well, I'm... I'm young, I'm
eager, and boyishly handsome,
or so I'm told,
and, well, uh, I've always
wanted to be a web exec.
A what?
A network executive.
Oh. Right.
And believe me, if it
turns out you're my boss,
I'll suck up to you
like nobody's business.
I wouldn't want you to do that.
Are you sure? I'm good at it.
What interested me about
you is that you seem to be
quite a good TV producer,
based on the Vermont Today I saw.
You are the producer of
Vermont Today, aren't you?
Right-aroony.
I don't have a lot to
work with up there,
but I have done some
shows that I'm pretty proud of.
I should think you'd be very
proud of the Vermont Today
you did with that
90-year-old Indian woman.
Really?
Actually, I didn't pay a whole
lot of attention to that one,
but did you see the one
where we had the belly dancer
doing a cooking demonstration?
Uh, I'd say that added a
little spice to the recipe.
No, I... I didn't see that one.
Well, I... I could
get a copy for you,
if I can get the original
back from the crew.
Actually, Michael, if you
could do another show
like the one with
the Indian woman,
I just might be able to
find a place for you here.
Wow. Would I get my own board?
We can always use
someone who can bring
intelligence, warmth and
human values to television.
Now, let me get this straight.
You're saying
you want that stuff?
Yes. Very much.
Then, I'm your man.
Oh, George, how'd it go?
Do you have a name
for your rock formation?
No. Nobody else on the
rock-naming committee
thought it looked like a duck.
Joanna, you should see it.
It looks like President
Coolidge with a crewcut.
No, it doesn't. It
looks like a moose.
Jim!
Why don't you just admit
it looks like a scrunched
up tube of toothpaste?
What did you think
it looked like, honey?
Wait'll you hear this.
I... I think it
looked like a rock.
Some imagination, huh?
Dick, since you didn't
see anything at all,
you're off the committee.
And, George, I'm afraid we
can't officially name the rock
unless at least two people
agree on what it looks like.
We could get in serious trouble.
From... from whom?
Dick, aren't you forgetting
you're off the committee?
Sure seems like it.
I'm sorry, George.
If you get any new ideas
about what it looks like,
you let us know.
I still say if you woulda
squinted your eyes
like I told ya,
you woulda seen the toothpaste.
All I can say is, I'm
gonna keep going out there
'til we get an official
name for that rock.
You'll let me know if this
starts affecting my work,
right, Dick?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Stephanie, would
you come and tell me
what you think
the rock looks like?
Isn't that in a woodsy
place, as in bugs and twigs,
as in someplace I'd
rather be dead than go?
Yeah.
I think not.
Dick, why couldn't you just
have agreed with George,
said it looked like a duck?
Joanna, I have to
call 'em like I see 'em.
Michael!
Michael, when I kiss you,
you're supposed to kiss me back.
I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss
and pout at the same time.
How... how was the interview?
Horrible. I didn't even get
to use any of my buzzwords.
You mean they
don't wanna hire you?
It's not my fault, Steph.
There's a strange new
thinking at the network
that frightens me.
They're looking for
quality programs.
That is scary.
It's almost like
they're thinking
art is more important
than ratings.
All my life I wanted to
be a network executive,
and then something
like this happens.
You know, strange,
sick-thinking people
get into power.
Steph, I think this is where
you're supposed to try
and console me.
You? What about me?
Now I don't get
to go to New York
and live in my natural habitat.
You're right. Dick, what say
you console the both of us?
What say no.
Do you realize what this
means? I have no place to go.
I'm ready to burst
onto the scene,
but there's no
scene to burst onto.
I'm never gonna
get outta this town.
Oh, come on, Michael.
Nobody wants that.
I'll live here year after year,
and pretty soon I'll
become like George.
And I'll wear plaid
shirts and overalls
with those pockets
with the tools in them,
and I'll... and I'll dedicate
my life to puttering.
Michael, no!
Oh, Steph, there's no
future for me in television
if all they want is good stuff.
So do good stuff!
Huh?
Well, you could do
quality shows. Right, Dick?
Well, uh... well.
Do you mean that, Dick?
All... all... all I
said was, "Well".
Yeah, but it's better
than a flat-out "no".
Well...
You said it again. You
must really believe it.
Thanks for the confidence,
Dick. That's all I need.
If it's quality they want,
it's quality they're gonna get.
I'm gonna become Mr. Quality.
I'm gonna show
that network honcho,
then I'm gonna be
a network honcho!
Ooh, Michael!
And I'm never gonna be you!
How... how was the movie?
Pretty good.
What... what was it about?
We're not sure.
I think to fully understand it,
you're supposed
to read the subtitles.
Why... why didn't you?
Come on, Dick.
They didn't even have a
bouncing ball to guide you.
So what are we doing
tomorrow, Michael?
Well, we've got the
Museum of Natural History,
followed by a
night at the opera.
The Marx Brothers?
No, Pavarotti-shaped men.
Michael, if we keep
up this quality stuff,
is it gonna change what made
us so great in the first place?
Don't worry, Steph.
This newfound depth
is only skin-deep.
And, you know, Dick,
I think I finally got a
handle on this quality thing.
What do you say we, uh,
go over a couple of my ideas
for what will most likely
be my last Vermont Today?
Well, with a... an
incentive like that...
First off, Dick,
I thought we trash the
old Vermont Today theme
and go with something classical.
Michael, that's... All
right. That sounds okay.
I, uh, bought this
classical cassette,
and I think I found
just the right selection.
You know, people keep talking
about these classical composers
like they were
high-brow artists.
But listen to this.
This is the most commercial
stuff I've ever heard.
Obviously, all they were
thinking about back then
was dance, dance, dance.
Michael, that's not the way
that's really supposed to sound.
You mean there's
another version?
Yes.
Well, sounds like
another case of the remake
being better than the original.
Anyway, then I thought I'd
have you introduced by a group
of local cheerleaders.
Michael...
Wait, Dick, here's the twist.
They're cheering in Latin.
Gimme an "E",
gimme a "pluribus".
And then you come
on and tell this joke.
An Englishman, a Frenchman
and Vivaldi go into a bar?
Dick, aren't you curious
what happens to that trio?
Michael, I don't think
you have a handle
on this quality thing yet.
You're not serious?
Michael, you... you can't slap
a... a... a quality element on...
On a schlocky idea
and expect to come up
with a... With a quality show.
How come?
Michael, all you
need for a quality show
is an interesting guest
and the right questions.
I mean, it can be
anywhere from a...
An astronomer
talking about the...
The mysteries of
the universe to a...
To... to a kid explaining what
he wants to be when he grows up.
Dick, I think I've
got the secret.
When I start to lose
interest, that means it's good.
Michael, if... if
that works for you...
Oh, Dick, thanks. All I
gotta do is go out there,
find a guest who bores me silly,
and I've got my showcase show!
Sorry, George.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
What... what did you
think it looked like?
A bowl of fruit.
Boy, this town wouldn't have
a prayer on The Match Game.
Why didn't you just
say it looked like a duck?
Well, I wanted to,
but what George thought
looked like the duck's head
to me looked just like a pear.
Sorry, George.
Hey, either you see the
webbed feet or you don't.
You know, I'm starting
to wish I'd never found
that duck, fruit,
Coolidge, toothpaste rock.
That doesn't have a
ring to it, does it, Dick?
Uh, George, maybe... maybe
you oughta call it Changing Rock.
Dick, that's it!
Changing Rock! Joanna!
Oh, I think it's beneficial
to the constituency
to be able to hear me
in this kind of forum.
And don't worry.
I promise I won't
turn it into a filibuster.
Well, Dick, this senator guy
seems like the
perfect quality guest.
Not only does he bore me silly,
but so far I haven't
understood a word he said.
Senator Wells, it's a pleasure.
Same here.
Michael.
Senator Wells is a great choice.
It's gonna be a great show.
Now, did you tell the,
uh... the announcer
to lose the phony
British accent?
Yeah.
But I still think it wouldn't
hurt for you to let me
just add a little
gray to your temples.
Michael, you don't need that.
You've got quality people.
It's gonna be a quality show.
Well, thank you, Senator Wells,
and thank you for
watching Vermont Today.
And thank you.
That was about the best
interview I've ever had.
And I have been interviewed
by all the top newsmen.
Feel free to mention
that on the Senate floor.
Dick, congratulations. That
was a great half hour of television.
Where... where's Michael?
He's gotta be ecstatic
about this show.
I don't know. He left.
He... he left during the show?
Come on, Dick.
It's not that unusual.
I wanted to leave
plenty of times.
Did... did he say
where he was going?
I think someone heard
him say "nowhere".
Michael?
Don't you mean "George"?
Michael, why'd you leave?
You got your quality show.
It's one of the best Vermont
Todays we've ever done.
Don't you mean you've ever done?
Michael, you... you produced it.
Come on, Dick. You did it all.
The only question
you used of mine was,
"As a grown man, does it
feel weird being on recess?".
Well, you know, it
turned out kind of cute.
Right. But I
thought it was deep.
Oh, Dick. The best thing you
can say about my contribution
to today's show is
that I didn't ruin it.
Michael, a few days ago
you were satisfied with "well".
Let's face it. I
can't do quality.
I don't have
any instinct for it.
I don't... I don't even like it.
I mean, it would be morally
wrong for me to take the job.
Besides, I could probably
only bluff 'em a couple of days
before they canned me.
And to be honest, I...
I don't think I could
ever really be happy
doing a show that didn't
have a catchy theme song
that explained the premise.
So... there goes my
shot at the big time.
You know, I always
wanted to go out in the world
and make my mark, but I...
I guess this is it.
I guess this is as
far as I make it.
Well, it's... I mean, is
this... is this so bad?
Well, I think I'd always
consider myself a failure
if I stayed here.
See this?
Ah, my first official
act as handyman
was to take down my
short-term/long-term goal board.
You want it?
Michael, you'll
still have goals.
Right. Maybe I could
cross out "Run CBS"
and write "Get Overalls".
Michael, you're young. It...
it... It was just one interview.
Sometimes that's
all you get, Dick.
You know, I always loved TV.
I mean, it was
always there for me.
Those times when I
didn't have a lot of friends
or a special girlfriend,
TV always provided them for me.
My father used to say
it was a vast wasteland.
But to me, it had it all.
And I guess I just really
always wanted to be a part of it.
Now I never will be.
Michael, I think you're
missing an important fact here.
Your kind of shows,
the shows that you like,
are... are gonna come back.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
No, no, no, I'm not.
Uh, television always
runs in... in cycles.
Re... remember back
in the '70s, that... that...
That great lineup, uh,
All in the Family, M♪A♪S♪H,
Mary Tyler Moore, The...
The Carol Burnett Show.
Dick, don't remind me.
And how about that show
with the shrink who stuttered?
Well, stammered.
But... but, Michael, what...
what came on after that
a... a few years later?
Uh, think. A better clue
would be "don't think".
Three's Company.
Right. What else?
Manimal.
Supertrain. Sheriff Lobo.
Hello, Larry.
Yeah! Dick, you're right!
This stupid golden age of
television can't last forever,
and when it's over, I'll
be there, leading the way!
Michael, I don't doubt it.
Oh, Dick, thanks.
Don't thank me.
You're right. Maybe I should
thank the American people.
But I should thank you, too.
I mean, you didn't
have to come over here.
You know, with friends like you,
maybe this wouldn't be such
a bad place to stay after all.
Michael, uh, I think
you forgot something.
Besides, you'd, uh...
you'd make a bad George.
I... I feel like celebrating.
Would you join me, Dick?
Sure. Where do you wanna go?
Well, how about,
uh, in front of the TV?
We don't allow pets.
Yes, I... I just heard
Sparky whimper,
but I'm... I'm not
gonna change my mind.
Well, uh, uh, same to you, lady.
Boy, do I have news!
What... what...
what is it, George?
I was just savoring
the moment, Dick.
Dick, I found a rock!
George, you... you should
have told me to sit down for this.
No, it's not just any rock.
It looks like a giant duck!
Oh, you... you mean,
uh, like a rock formation.
Dick, will you let me
tell my own news?
I was walking in
Stoney Ridge Woods
near the stream, when I saw it.
It's something I've been
looking for all my life:
a rock that looks
like something!
And now I've found
it. A duck, Dick!
And the best part is,
when you find one of these,
you get to name it.
How 'bout, uh, Duck Rock?
Well, I already
thought of that, Dick,
but I'm afraid people will
hear it like, "Duck! Rock!"
It's not gonna be easy
coming up with a name.
Now I know what
God went through.
Great news, everybody!
Dick, you're the
only one I've told.
This news rated four "oohs"
on the Stephanie
Excitement scale.
That's the most since...
Well, never mind.
Uh, this guy right
here, yours truly,
has a network job interview.
So, Dick, what do you say?
Ooh!
I knew you'd be excited.
I take off for Gotham tomorrow,
and then my career takes off.
Well, Michael, I guess this
is a big day for both of us.
Really? What's going
on with you, George?
I found a rock that
looks like a duck.
Yeah, sounds like
we're neck-and-neck.
What... what network
would possibly want...?
Um, how did this come about?
Well, this big
programming honcho
was on a ski weekend in Vermont,
caught some of my stuff on
'PIV and flipped his pancakes.
Yes, and now Michael
and I get to go to New York
and live happily ever after.
Well, Steph, I have
to get the job first.
You will, Michael.
Well, good luck
on the interview.
Thanks, Dick. I
think I'll do just fine.
I've been boning
up on my buzzwords,
you know, so I'll fit
right in with this web guy.
Uh, "web guy"?
Network exec.
All I have to do is
work "audience flow"
and "confab power breakfast"
into the conversation,
and that job's mine.
Boy, I'd hate to be a fly
on the wall in that office.
Mr. Taylor will
be right with you.
Can I get you anything?
How about the job?
Wow! An actual network
scheduling board!
Yeah. That's better.
Wow! An actual network award!
I just wanna thank
everyone who had...
Are you Michael Harris?
Uh, that depends.
On what?
On whether this was
broken before or not.
Don't worry. It was.
I would've sent it
back to the Academy,
but I didn't wanna
give 'em a chance
to have any second thoughts.
Michael Harris.
It's an honor to meet you,
Mr. Taylor, Vice President,
Current Programs.
You don't have to
be quite so formal.
Oh, well, I heard
you guys really get off
on hearing your titles.
It's all right, really.
Oh, I... I made a
couple changes.
So I noticed.
And don't worry, I'll
remember what they were.
By the way, I could
help but glancing
at the ratings on your desk,
and may I say congratulations,
you really creamed that chuffa
chuffa news special last night.
I feel kinda bad about that.
I watched that news special.
It was good. I wish
more people had seen it.
Don't worry. That
won't leave this room.
Michael, why don't you tell
me a little about yourself?
Could I tell you a lot
about myself instead?
Well, I'm... I'm young, I'm
eager, and boyishly handsome,
or so I'm told,
and, well, uh, I've always
wanted to be a web exec.
A what?
A network executive.
Oh. Right.
And believe me, if it
turns out you're my boss,
I'll suck up to you
like nobody's business.
I wouldn't want you to do that.
Are you sure? I'm good at it.
What interested me about
you is that you seem to be
quite a good TV producer,
based on the Vermont Today I saw.
You are the producer of
Vermont Today, aren't you?
Right-aroony.
I don't have a lot to
work with up there,
but I have done some
shows that I'm pretty proud of.
I should think you'd be very
proud of the Vermont Today
you did with that
90-year-old Indian woman.
Really?
Actually, I didn't pay a whole
lot of attention to that one,
but did you see the one
where we had the belly dancer
doing a cooking demonstration?
Uh, I'd say that added a
little spice to the recipe.
No, I... I didn't see that one.
Well, I... I could
get a copy for you,
if I can get the original
back from the crew.
Actually, Michael, if you
could do another show
like the one with
the Indian woman,
I just might be able to
find a place for you here.
Wow. Would I get my own board?
We can always use
someone who can bring
intelligence, warmth and
human values to television.
Now, let me get this straight.
You're saying
you want that stuff?
Yes. Very much.
Then, I'm your man.
Oh, George, how'd it go?
Do you have a name
for your rock formation?
No. Nobody else on the
rock-naming committee
thought it looked like a duck.
Joanna, you should see it.
It looks like President
Coolidge with a crewcut.
No, it doesn't. It
looks like a moose.
Jim!
Why don't you just admit
it looks like a scrunched
up tube of toothpaste?
What did you think
it looked like, honey?
Wait'll you hear this.
I... I think it
looked like a rock.
Some imagination, huh?
Dick, since you didn't
see anything at all,
you're off the committee.
And, George, I'm afraid we
can't officially name the rock
unless at least two people
agree on what it looks like.
We could get in serious trouble.
From... from whom?
Dick, aren't you forgetting
you're off the committee?
Sure seems like it.
I'm sorry, George.
If you get any new ideas
about what it looks like,
you let us know.
I still say if you woulda
squinted your eyes
like I told ya,
you woulda seen the toothpaste.
All I can say is, I'm
gonna keep going out there
'til we get an official
name for that rock.
You'll let me know if this
starts affecting my work,
right, Dick?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Stephanie, would
you come and tell me
what you think
the rock looks like?
Isn't that in a woodsy
place, as in bugs and twigs,
as in someplace I'd
rather be dead than go?
Yeah.
I think not.
Dick, why couldn't you just
have agreed with George,
said it looked like a duck?
Joanna, I have to
call 'em like I see 'em.
Michael!
Michael, when I kiss you,
you're supposed to kiss me back.
I'm sorry, Steph. I can't kiss
and pout at the same time.
How... how was the interview?
Horrible. I didn't even get
to use any of my buzzwords.
You mean they
don't wanna hire you?
It's not my fault, Steph.
There's a strange new
thinking at the network
that frightens me.
They're looking for
quality programs.
That is scary.
It's almost like
they're thinking
art is more important
than ratings.
All my life I wanted to
be a network executive,
and then something
like this happens.
You know, strange,
sick-thinking people
get into power.
Steph, I think this is where
you're supposed to try
and console me.
You? What about me?
Now I don't get
to go to New York
and live in my natural habitat.
You're right. Dick, what say
you console the both of us?
What say no.
Do you realize what this
means? I have no place to go.
I'm ready to burst
onto the scene,
but there's no
scene to burst onto.
I'm never gonna
get outta this town.
Oh, come on, Michael.
Nobody wants that.
I'll live here year after year,
and pretty soon I'll
become like George.
And I'll wear plaid
shirts and overalls
with those pockets
with the tools in them,
and I'll... and I'll dedicate
my life to puttering.
Michael, no!
Oh, Steph, there's no
future for me in television
if all they want is good stuff.
So do good stuff!
Huh?
Well, you could do
quality shows. Right, Dick?
Well, uh... well.
Do you mean that, Dick?
All... all... all I
said was, "Well".
Yeah, but it's better
than a flat-out "no".
Well...
You said it again. You
must really believe it.
Thanks for the confidence,
Dick. That's all I need.
If it's quality they want,
it's quality they're gonna get.
I'm gonna become Mr. Quality.
I'm gonna show
that network honcho,
then I'm gonna be
a network honcho!
Ooh, Michael!
And I'm never gonna be you!
How... how was the movie?
Pretty good.
What... what was it about?
We're not sure.
I think to fully understand it,
you're supposed
to read the subtitles.
Why... why didn't you?
Come on, Dick.
They didn't even have a
bouncing ball to guide you.
So what are we doing
tomorrow, Michael?
Well, we've got the
Museum of Natural History,
followed by a
night at the opera.
The Marx Brothers?
No, Pavarotti-shaped men.
Michael, if we keep
up this quality stuff,
is it gonna change what made
us so great in the first place?
Don't worry, Steph.
This newfound depth
is only skin-deep.
And, you know, Dick,
I think I finally got a
handle on this quality thing.
What do you say we, uh,
go over a couple of my ideas
for what will most likely
be my last Vermont Today?
Well, with a... an
incentive like that...
First off, Dick,
I thought we trash the
old Vermont Today theme
and go with something classical.
Michael, that's... All
right. That sounds okay.
I, uh, bought this
classical cassette,
and I think I found
just the right selection.
You know, people keep talking
about these classical composers
like they were
high-brow artists.
But listen to this.
This is the most commercial
stuff I've ever heard.
Obviously, all they were
thinking about back then
was dance, dance, dance.
Michael, that's not the way
that's really supposed to sound.
You mean there's
another version?
Yes.
Well, sounds like
another case of the remake
being better than the original.
Anyway, then I thought I'd
have you introduced by a group
of local cheerleaders.
Michael...
Wait, Dick, here's the twist.
They're cheering in Latin.
Gimme an "E",
gimme a "pluribus".
And then you come
on and tell this joke.
An Englishman, a Frenchman
and Vivaldi go into a bar?
Dick, aren't you curious
what happens to that trio?
Michael, I don't think
you have a handle
on this quality thing yet.
You're not serious?
Michael, you... you can't slap
a... a... a quality element on...
On a schlocky idea
and expect to come up
with a... With a quality show.
How come?
Michael, all you
need for a quality show
is an interesting guest
and the right questions.
I mean, it can be
anywhere from a...
An astronomer
talking about the...
The mysteries of
the universe to a...
To... to a kid explaining what
he wants to be when he grows up.
Dick, I think I've
got the secret.
When I start to lose
interest, that means it's good.
Michael, if... if
that works for you...
Oh, Dick, thanks. All I
gotta do is go out there,
find a guest who bores me silly,
and I've got my showcase show!
Sorry, George.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
What... what did you
think it looked like?
A bowl of fruit.
Boy, this town wouldn't have
a prayer on The Match Game.
Why didn't you just
say it looked like a duck?
Well, I wanted to,
but what George thought
looked like the duck's head
to me looked just like a pear.
Sorry, George.
Hey, either you see the
webbed feet or you don't.
You know, I'm starting
to wish I'd never found
that duck, fruit,
Coolidge, toothpaste rock.
That doesn't have a
ring to it, does it, Dick?
Uh, George, maybe... maybe
you oughta call it Changing Rock.
Dick, that's it!
Changing Rock! Joanna!
Oh, I think it's beneficial
to the constituency
to be able to hear me
in this kind of forum.
And don't worry.
I promise I won't
turn it into a filibuster.
Well, Dick, this senator guy
seems like the
perfect quality guest.
Not only does he bore me silly,
but so far I haven't
understood a word he said.
Senator Wells, it's a pleasure.
Same here.
Michael.
Senator Wells is a great choice.
It's gonna be a great show.
Now, did you tell the,
uh... the announcer
to lose the phony
British accent?
Yeah.
But I still think it wouldn't
hurt for you to let me
just add a little
gray to your temples.
Michael, you don't need that.
You've got quality people.
It's gonna be a quality show.
Well, thank you, Senator Wells,
and thank you for
watching Vermont Today.
And thank you.
That was about the best
interview I've ever had.
And I have been interviewed
by all the top newsmen.
Feel free to mention
that on the Senate floor.
Dick, congratulations. That
was a great half hour of television.
Where... where's Michael?
He's gotta be ecstatic
about this show.
I don't know. He left.
He... he left during the show?
Come on, Dick.
It's not that unusual.
I wanted to leave
plenty of times.
Did... did he say
where he was going?
I think someone heard
him say "nowhere".
Michael?
Don't you mean "George"?
Michael, why'd you leave?
You got your quality show.
It's one of the best Vermont
Todays we've ever done.
Don't you mean you've ever done?
Michael, you... you produced it.
Come on, Dick. You did it all.
The only question
you used of mine was,
"As a grown man, does it
feel weird being on recess?".
Well, you know, it
turned out kind of cute.
Right. But I
thought it was deep.
Oh, Dick. The best thing you
can say about my contribution
to today's show is
that I didn't ruin it.
Michael, a few days ago
you were satisfied with "well".
Let's face it. I
can't do quality.
I don't have
any instinct for it.
I don't... I don't even like it.
I mean, it would be morally
wrong for me to take the job.
Besides, I could probably
only bluff 'em a couple of days
before they canned me.
And to be honest, I...
I don't think I could
ever really be happy
doing a show that didn't
have a catchy theme song
that explained the premise.
So... there goes my
shot at the big time.
You know, I always
wanted to go out in the world
and make my mark, but I...
I guess this is it.
I guess this is as
far as I make it.
Well, it's... I mean, is
this... is this so bad?
Well, I think I'd always
consider myself a failure
if I stayed here.
See this?
Ah, my first official
act as handyman
was to take down my
short-term/long-term goal board.
You want it?
Michael, you'll
still have goals.
Right. Maybe I could
cross out "Run CBS"
and write "Get Overalls".
Michael, you're young. It...
it... It was just one interview.
Sometimes that's
all you get, Dick.
You know, I always loved TV.
I mean, it was
always there for me.
Those times when I
didn't have a lot of friends
or a special girlfriend,
TV always provided them for me.
My father used to say
it was a vast wasteland.
But to me, it had it all.
And I guess I just really
always wanted to be a part of it.
Now I never will be.
Michael, I think you're
missing an important fact here.
Your kind of shows,
the shows that you like,
are... are gonna come back.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
No, no, no, I'm not.
Uh, television always
runs in... in cycles.
Re... remember back
in the '70s, that... that...
That great lineup, uh,
All in the Family, M♪A♪S♪H,
Mary Tyler Moore, The...
The Carol Burnett Show.
Dick, don't remind me.
And how about that show
with the shrink who stuttered?
Well, stammered.
But... but, Michael, what...
what came on after that
a... a few years later?
Uh, think. A better clue
would be "don't think".
Three's Company.
Right. What else?
Manimal.
Supertrain. Sheriff Lobo.
Hello, Larry.
Yeah! Dick, you're right!
This stupid golden age of
television can't last forever,
and when it's over, I'll
be there, leading the way!
Michael, I don't doubt it.
Oh, Dick, thanks.
Don't thank me.
You're right. Maybe I should
thank the American people.
But I should thank you, too.
I mean, you didn't
have to come over here.
You know, with friends like you,
maybe this wouldn't be such
a bad place to stay after all.
Michael, uh, I think
you forgot something.
Besides, you'd, uh...
you'd make a bad George.
I... I feel like celebrating.
Would you join me, Dick?
Sure. Where do you wanna go?
Well, how about,
uh, in front of the TV?