Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 7 - My Two and Only - full transcript

Gee, you two are back early.

Stupid, stupid rural people.

What happened?

You know that garden party
Michael and I were invited to?

It turned out they
expected us to weed.

I haven't been to one good party
since I moved here to Vermont.

Steph's right.

When it comes to parties,

the people in this
town are all poopers.

And you can quote me.

I don't think there'd
be much doubt



who said that, Michael.

Michael, if you
joined the Beavers,

you'd have a great
party to go to every week.

They have beer and darts

and sometimes some of the guys

even bring their dogs.

Well, gee, George, if
word gets out about this,

nobody'll hang out at
Hef's mansion anymore.

Michael, I know.

Why don't we throw a party?

Stephanie, that's
really nice of you.

Thanks, Joanna.

I figure, if we throw a party,
all the people who come

will learn to throw
better parties



for us to go to in the future.

Shall we party-plan, hostess?

Okay, host.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

And this is our buddy, Sam.

Hi.

Darryl and Sam met
at a hollering contest

a few days ago.

I think they hit it
off because Darryl

was such easy competition.

Yeah!

Well, thank... thanks for
bringing Sam over, Larry.

Sam just started work
over at Cooper's garage.

Yeah, if you come in, I'll
wash your windshield for free.

Once.

Well, we'll... we'll
make sure and try

and take advantage of that.

When?

Can... can we leave it loose?

Oh, by the way, could
we borrow a toothbrush?

Sam unexpectedly
stayed for dinner.

We'd lend him ours,
but we only have the two.

I think we have some extras.

So on the
invitations, we'll say...

Oops. Ixnay on the arty-pay.

Excuse me, Miss Stephanie,

but we couldn't help overhearin'

that you're
planning an arty-pay.

Well, we'd be happy
to cater it for you.

Thanks, Larry, but...

I don't think this is gonna
be that fancy of an affair.

Okay, Sam, here you go.

Remember: up and
down, never across.

Thanks. I'll get this
right back to you.

Oh, no. There's another one.

I can't decide whether to have
raspberry jam or marmalade

on my toast this morning.

Well George, I had the
jam, and it was very good.

But I had the jam
yesterday morning.

Then, have the marmalade.

Yeah, but except for yesterday,
I almost always have that.

I've, uh... I've got it George.

Why don't you have it half with
marmalade and half with jam?

Gee Dick, isn't that
sort of copping out?

Thanks, Dick.

Okay, Steph, we've
covered all the details.

Now all we need to do is
find the right party theme.

I know.

How about a theme where
people have to bring us presents?

Yeah.

We'll have it at my place,

and we'll call it a
housewarming party.

Ooh!

Mi... Michael,

you've lived there
for three years.

Dick, if you spread that around,

it could really bring
down the party.

Hi. I'm Larry... We
know everybody, Larry.

Good. Intro on the extra guy's
been taking a lot out of me.

Oh, here's the toothbrush
back, as promised.

That's... that's...
that's all right, Sam.

Why... Why don't
you just keep that?

So what have you
guys been up to?

Well...

I took 'em on a free tour of
the gas station where I work.

Yeah. We held Darryl's nose
and pumped him up with air

to see if we could
get him to float.

It didn't work.

Well, thank... thanks
for mentioning it. It...

you know, saves
us from trying it.

There's something
moldy in the refrigerator,

and I'm not touching it.

Excuse us.

Um...

Larry, didn't you
hear about the mold?

Uh-huh.

What... what...
what is it, Larry?

What would you do if
some guy kept comin' around

bothering you all the time?

Well...

Of course, I'll... you know, I'll
have to use my imagination.

The thing is, it just ain't
the same doing things

with Darryl and Sam
instead of just Darryl.

I mean, you take bath time.

The river's big enough
for all four of us, but...

Um, I'm a modest man.

Lar... Larry. Larry, um...

You know, when... when
you make new friends,

you have to make
certain adjustments.

Not usually the
one you described,

but, uh, generally, friends
are... are... are worth it.

Yeah, I guess.

It's just that Darryl and I
have always been like... this.

I don't want that to change.

Well, Larry, I don't
think you have to worry.

I've never seen
brothers closer than you

and Darryl and Darryl.

Not even Hans, Hans, and Ed?

Not even them.

Time for the best part
of the day, cleanup.

And the sooner we're
done, the sooner we can get

to our Wednesday night
firefly catching contest.

Okay, let's start with
refilling them straw machines.

Hi, everybody.

Sam? We wasn't expecting you.

Well, you shoulda.

I hang around here all
the time. Whatcha doing?

What's it look like?

We're rounding up the reusables.

Oh, I'll help ya.

Okay, guys, this
is the last straw.

Just for future
reference, that's my job.

And my joke.

Come on, Darryl,
we ain't done yet.

We still gotta clean
the tables and the floor.

And scrape all the
grease off the grill

for safe-keepin'.

Well... Well, I'll
take the grease.

Sure, grab the glamour job.

What do I do with the grease?

Pour it in the bucket
in the refrigerator.

Oh, and just so you
won't be beatin' 'em to it,

Darryl gets to lick the bowl.

Okay, work's done.

Let's limber up those tongues
and get after them fireflies.

Is that the plan for tonight?

Well, that sounds good,

but they got these
new shopping carts

over at the market.

I thought we could do
wheelies through the produce.

Seems like we got us

an embarrassment
of choices here tonight.

But I'm afraid fireflies is
kind of a family tradition.

Hold on, Darryl.

You pickin' those shopping
carts over them glow bugs?

Well... okay, if
that's your choice.

Aren't you comin', Larry?

No, thanks.

Somebody's gotta maintain
the balance of nature.

Okay. Let's go, guys.

Well, go on.

I've been wantin'
some time to myself.

Don't take no wobbly wheels.

Sure is quiet around
here without Darryl.

Dick, Larry really
misses the Darryls.

He's obviously very lonely.

He needs a friend.

Yeah.

Why don't you spend
some time with him?

You... you mean voluntarily?

Come on, Dick.

If you do this, there's
a big kiss in it for you.

From... from you, right?

Um, La... Uh, Larry?

Yeah?

Uh, I was, uh... I
was just thinking.

Maybe we, uh...

maybe we oughta, you know,
go out and... and do something.

You mean it?

Well...

I... I guess.

All right! What should we do?

Oh, why don't we go for a...
for a... a walk in the woods?

I think we should
start with something

a little less intimate.

Mind if I suggest an activity?

O... Okay, as... as
long as it doesn't involve

a follow-up tetanus shot.

I guess that rules
out wolf taunting.

Larry, this... this
isn't gonna work.

What?

Well, it... it's obvious you...
You... you miss your brothers.

Right now, I... I
miss them, too.

But... But maybe it might be
a... a good idea if... if we got, uh...

Sam a new friend.

And... and that way,
the Darryls could,

you know, spend
more time with you.

Okay.

I'll take your idea and
shove it through my head.

That's all I ask.

Hi, Larry.

To quote an extremely
popular Beatles tune,

"Hello. Good-bye."

Oh, hi, JoJo. And here's
your personal party invite.

Oh, George. You're
invited to our party, too.

Gee, thanks, Stephanie.

That's right, George,
but I must tell you,

there is a no-plaid rule.

Oh, then, I'll have
to think about it.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I hear you're into snakes.

No.

Are these books or somethin'?

Yeah.

What are you doing with 'em?

I, uh...

I read... I read
and... And write them.

Yeah, sure.

Wanna go spit in the reservoir
till the water level rises?

No.

Tell me something,
is it just me,

or aren't we sparkin'
to each other?

It's not just you.

Oh, boy, that Larry
pulled some joke on me.

He said you'd be interesting.

So, uh... So... so, Larry...

Larry... Larry sent you over.

Uh, I... I'm sorry,
Sam, but I'm...

I'm not looking for, uh...

For new... new
friends right now.

I think you're home free.

Hi... I'm Larry...

Disappointed.

Larry, when I suggested you...

You find a new friend for Sam,

I... I... I didn't mean me.

I should have figured

you wouldn't stand
a chance with Sam.

Not after the white
hot energy of Darryl.

Larry, why don't you
just tell Darryl that...

That you need... them?

I can't do that.
I can't be weak.

Darryls always needed me.

I sure could go for that
walk in the woods now.

Okay.

With one condition.

What's that?

I really don't wanna talk
about Darryl anymore.

Fine. Fair enough.

But... but I have one condition.

If... if... if we
see any wolves...

It's a proper name.

Uh, one word.

-Uh. -Stephanie!

Steph!

Muffin!

Cupcake!

-Uh... Cutiekins. -Cutiekins!

That's right!

Gee, it seems like I used
to be better at this game.

Dick, Joanna, welcome
to Michael's new home.

Gee, I'm getting
this weird sense of...

déjà vu.

Isn't it a great party, Joanna?

Stephanie, we just got here.

Uh, but I'm sure it is.

Thank you.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

Hi, George.

Hi, George.

We weren't sure you'd come,
since you couldn't wear plaid.

Well, I didn't wanna miss
a good party. Besides...

Hi, I'm Larry, solitary man.

Oh.

Hi, Larry. Michael?

I'm sorry, Larry, but no one's
admitted without a present.

Happy housewarmin'.

Thanks, Larry.
We'll open it later.

Okay,

but in this heat, it
might hatch prematurely.

Hi, Larry. How're you doing?

Suicidal, thank you.

Tell me about it. I just
got creamed at charades.

Oh, my, what a
surprise. Michael?

Hi, I'm Sam, and this
is my friend Darryl,

and this is my
other friend Darryl.

Happy housewarming.

Here's some motor oil.

Do you realize the faux pas
of inviting both them and me

to the same party?

Larry, we didn't
invite any of you.

It's really tough watching them
have the loud and boisterous

times we used to have.

I'm not gonna let
them get the best of me.

I'll show them.

If they can have fun,
I can have more fun.

I'll be the life of the party.

Hi. I'm Larry.
Wanna hear a train?

Whoo! Whoo!

Michael!

It's time for our dance.

Oh, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there's been...

Fred and Ginger,

Baryshnikov and those
girls with the skinny necks.

Tonight, those people...

eat our stardust.

Steph?

Dip position?

Joanna, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

This is our spotlight.

When you have a
party, you can dance.

What a shameless
play for attention.

Pick a card, any card.
And I'll guess what it is.

Uh, four of spades.

Jack of clubs?

Eight of hearts?

Gee, I guess those fellows
who get it on the first guess

must know some kind of trick.

Michael, no one's applauding.

You made the photo too
big. It's distracting them.

Upstaged by our own likeness.

Well, I tried to mingle,

but these people obviously
aren't in the partying mood.

Larry...

we both know some
people you could mingle with.

I... I bet...

I bet you could...
you could be like that.

Well...

I guess the time has come to...

rip out my heart and
slap it on my sleeve.

Hi.

Hi, Larry. Great party, huh?

I guess it would be for
you. You're with Darryl.

Darryl, I hope you
won't think any less of me

for telling you this,

but I miss you, and I need ya,

and I hope we can
spend more time together.

You really miss them?

That shouldn't surprise you.

You know what it's
like to be with Darryl.

The only reason they've
been hanging out with me

is they thought you were
happier without them.

You're kiddin'.

Is that true?

Well, I'll be...

I've heard of other families
having communication problems,

but I never thought
it happen to us.

Come here, you lugs.

Sure, they always
applaud that schmaltzy stuff.

You know,

the firefly population
in this town is...

gettin' artificially enlarged.

What do you say
we make a dent in it?

Sam, wanna join us?

All right, fireflies,
light up your behinds,

'cause here we come.

Meow.