Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 6 - Desperately Desiring Susan: Part 2 - full transcript

Previously, on "Newhart".

You cannot date
someone else and me,

nor can you kiss
someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Good-bye, Steph.

What do you think?

Va-va-va-voom.

Dick?

I think I'd have to
throw in an extra "va".

It's for the WPIV
anniversary party.

Who'd imagine we'd be
going to anything as elegant



as a premiere party in Vermont?

Oh, that reminds me.

I signed us up to
bring the Jell-O mold

for the after-show potluck.

I can't wait to see
you in the special.

You are in it, right?

Michael says I'm
featured heavily.

And you trust that weaselhead
after what he did to Stephanie?

Joanna, you're just mad at him

because he broke
up with Stephanie.

He destroyed her.

I mean, there... there
are two sides to this thing.

Right and wrong.

Michael and Stephanie's.



I've never seen
Stephanie this down.

Feet up! Feet up!

So sad.

Feet up!

I'm so sorry,
Mr. Jenkins, Mrs. Jenkins.

Her heart's been
broken by a weasel.

Steph... Stephanie,
you can finish this later.

Fine.

Ah. I think I'll
finish this later, too.

Hi. I'm Larry... We
know who you are.

You've told us a thousand times.

Do you think we're morons?

No, ma'am.

But we come bearing news
that might move your spirits

in an upward direction.

I... I... I'd speed
that along, Larry.

Miss Stephanie, we
heard you was available,

and I've come a-callin'.

And to prove that my
intentions are sincere,

I've brought the
traditional dating gifts.

Flowers, candy,
and sausage casings.

He... He is sincere.

Oh, Larry.

Out! Out! Out!

Dick, we have to do something.

I don't know, honey. Why
don't we just leave her to her...

her grief?

At least until she's
finished with the downstairs.

Hi, we're, uh,
Mr. and Mrs. Whorley.

The newlyweds.

Uh-oh.

So you think you're in love.

Stephanie, we have to talk.
I hate to see you like this,

so... so upset, so hurt.
So... So... so dangerous.

Stephanie, I... I know
you're torn up about Michael.

What? Me torn up?

Ha! Are you kidding? I haven't
even thought of that name in...

What the hell does
she look like, Dick?

Stephanie, I... I don't
wanna be in the middle of this

Michael-you thing.

Dick, I'm a desperate woman.
I vacuumed under a bed.

She's, uh... she's
medium with reddish hair.

Michael is a sick man.

Yeah. Uh, Joanna and I both feel

that your attitude is
starting to affect your work...

Is he taking her
to the WPIV party?

I... I think so. We're...
We're very pleased with, uh,

with your new desire to clean.

It's a little scary, but...
But we're pleased.

What kind of a girl is she?

Uh, she's nice. However,
the threats to the guests

have got to stop.

That's it? Nice?

Michael left blonde, perky, and
drop-dead gorgeous for "nice"?

My God, whatever happened
to the laws of nature?

So the upshot of what
I'm trying to say is that...

It isn't doing you any
good to... to be so angry.

You should just, uh, calm
down and get on with your life

and then maybe George will...
stop having these nightmares.

All right, Dick.

I admit, I have
been a little angry.

Maybe I should
just try and relax

and take some
other action instead.

Good for you.

Thanks, Dick.

So from now on,
no more cleaning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt to
be angry a couple days a week.

After this word, we'll
be back with more

of the WPIV anniversary show.

I just wanna say,
Michael, Susan, nice job.

Yeah, this has sure
been a great show.

Maybe we should have a 50-year
anniversary program every year.

And, Susan, thanks
for all your hard work.

We're gonna miss you.

Thank you.

Um, uh, Michael,

I... I haven't seen any
footage of Vermont Today.

Hey, I'm trying to enjoy this
clever wine cooler commercial

if you don't mind, Dick.

Trust me, Dick,
you are featured.

No, there are only
a few minutes left.

They're taking the
covers off the casseroles.

Well, we've certainly gone
down memory lane tonight.

But no anniversary show
would be complete without a look

into our closet of goofs,
gaffes, and blunders.

Here are some moments
from Vermont Today.

I'd like to welcome today's
guest, Mr. Static Electricity.

Hi, Dick. Shake.

Ah!

Sorry, Dick, uh,
let me help you up.

Ah!

Well, I'm afraid that's
all the time we have.

Thanks for joining us at WPIV...

That was terrific.
That was terrific.

Well, Dick?

Michael, you... you
made me look like a fool.

Not really, Dick.

The whole thing was clearly
Mr. Static Electricity's fault.

Well, I gotta run.

Susan looks like she
could use some punch.

My God, look who's here!

Stephanie, what
are you doing here?

Joanna, hi.

I don't believe
you've met my date.

Robert, this is Dick and Joanna.

Dick, Joanna: Robert.
We met at Dartmouth.

Oh. You attend Dartmouth?

No, I heard it was a great
place to pick up chicks.

And sure enough, first day
out, Stephanie picks me up.

Well, I just thought that
we'd stop by, and I'd say hello,

and Robert wouldn't say
anything. Remember, Robert?

Oh... Right.

Uh, Stephanie, do you
think this is such a good idea?

We'll see.

Oh! There's Michael now.

And if that's her,
this was a brainstorm.

I got a punch for my Judy.

I got you one, too.

Steph!

Michael, what are
you doing here?

Steph, you here?

Now?

Have a punch.

Thank you.

I don't believe you've met my
frequent date, Robert Cameron.

Hi.

And this... This is
Susan Polgar, my...

Uh, friend. How do you do?

I think I'll be just fine.

Nice party.

Excuse me. I... I think
I see someone, uh,

from the station.

My God, Michael,
she's not even blonde.

I know.

Look, stop this foolishness now,

and I'll try to forgive you.

No, Steph, I like her.

I can't believe you.

Have you seen
Robert in full profile?

You look great, Steph.

And he looks... manufactured.

Thanks.

But I'm here with
Susan, and I think

you should go home now, please.

I'm back. Okay?

Good.

Michael, I wanted
to play fair, but...

here I am right next to her.

Stephanie!

When you finally
come to your senses,

Robert and I will be over
there, billing and cooing.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, I'm sorry. I saw
you come in here,

and I thought it must
be the ladies' room.

With "Editing" on the door?

Yes.

Well, I guess now
that the show is over,

and your job is finished,
you'll be moving on.

I've taken a job in town.

Enough small talk.

Give him up,
Susan. I had him first.

I don't really think seniority
matters in these things.

Besides, Michael's free to
do whatever he wants and...

He chooses to be with me.

Okay, what threats
are you using?

None.

Oh, right.

Despite my looks, I
wasn't born yesterday.

Michael having fun with
someone who isn't me?

I mean, what could you two do?

Lots of things.

We talk about old TV shows.

Oh, well, sure.

You two have
television in common,

but the things Michael
and I share go much deeper.

Like fashion.

Well, we... we also
talk about other things,

like our pasts, our
dreams, current events.

Ew.

Maybe Michael likes me
because I'm nice to him.

Susan...

I wasn't going to tell
you this, because...

I was trying to
protect your feelings,

but the day Michael met
you, I saw his to-do list,

and it said, "Meet a
girl and break her heart".

Stephanie...

I know how hard it is
to break up with a love.

Think about it, would
you really want Michael,

knowing that he only came
back because you came in here

and bullied me
into letting him go?

I think I would.

Stephanie, Susan:
opposite corners.

Were you mean to her, Steph?

Maybe she was mean to me!

Right.

Susan, mean.

Oh, well, it's just such
a ludicrous thought.

Come on... Robert.

I don't know how
you're going to get home.

Well, I finished my stack
of anonymous letters,

expressing my outrage
at the shabby treatment

Vermont Today got on
the anniversary program.

And I... I finished the
anonymous phone calls.

Are you sure they
didn't know it was you?

I seriously doubt that.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

I'll just eat this dry toast up
in my room, if you don't mind.

The guests' smiles
are bringing me down.

Is there anything we can do?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess... maybe...

lots of "Poor Stephs"
would help a little.

Poor Steph.

Thank you.

Poor... Poor Steph.

Hi. We don't want
to infuriate anyone,

so note the name tags.

Miss Stephanie, to help you
check out of Heartbreak Hotel,

Darryl here is offering to
court this Susan person

away from that gadabout Michael.

Larry...

I'd like to thank
you for this offer

and apologize for the other day,

but I'm too depressed
to deal with social graces.

Miss Stephanie, would
it make you feel better

if we was to throw
ourselves out?

Infinitely.

Done.

All right, you bumpkins, out.

Out.

I have to remember how
she got them to do that.

I don't know what to do.

Joanna, you've
been married forever.

How do you get a
relationship to last?

Why, I'd say we love each other,

respect each other,
we're nice to each other.

There's that word again.

And it has nothing
to do with clothing?

Stephanie,

our relationship
has lasted simply

because we meet
each other's needs.

Well, you can't meet
each other's every need.

What... what do you mean?

I mean, no one person can
meet another person's every need.

That's why we're special,

because I... I meet
all your needs.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Dick, you don't.

Fine. Name a need, I'll meet it.

This is silly. I'm not
gonna name my needs.

G... Go ahead. Name a need.

So, Stephanie, how you doing?

George...

You're supposed
to be a nice person.

How does a person become nice?

Do you wanna be nice, Stephanie?

Well, it seems
to be all the rage.

Boy, that'd be great.

Uh, let's see. First, you'd
have to stop pouting,

not throw tantrums, and
be kind to other people.

Maybe I'll just try this
need-meeting thing

of Joanna and Dick's.

There you go, the 19 basic
needs, named, counted, and met.

You can be a pain
sometimes. You know that?

Okay, George, tell
me the nice rules again.

Slowly.

Well... Come on, come on.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you were gonna meet
me out front 20 minutes ago.

Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.

Bev's making me answer
all these anonymous letters.

I... I'm slime. I'm sorry.

That's okay. Stop apologizing.

Why? Am I doing it wrong?

No, it's just not necessary.

Oh, that's right.
You don't care.

I care about you. I just...
don't care that you were late.

Hey, guess what? I, uh...
I got something for ya.

Not another gift.

Correct for 500 dollars.

Michael, you practically
buy me a gift a day.

You're welcome.

I... I can't enjoy something
when I know you can't afford them.

I'm good at buying.
I love to buy.

I know you are, but it
makes me feel guilty.

Please return that.

Susan, I can exchange, but
I don't know how to return.

Just... just keep
this one, lambchop.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.
No nicknames.

It's okay.

I don't dislike lambchop,
I just prefer Susan.

Like I prefer Michael
to... Mikeybugs.

It was just... It was
just a passing thought.

This is sort of
a fight, isn't it?

Well, not anymore.

Where are we going today?

Michael, you promised
me you'd think of something.

Well, I'm just so bad at
making these decisions.

Well, let's see, we could,
uh... No, you wouldn't like that.

We could... No, I wouldn't
like that. How 'bout...?

How 'bout we sit and talk?

Again?

Well, I... it's just that
we talked yesterday

and the day before that,
and that sort of does it for me.

I never knew someone
to run out of talk.

I never knew someone not to.

I mean, there are
only so many topics.

I have one that
needs discussing.

Badly.

What?

Us.

Lambchop and Mikeybug?

Hi, newlyweds.

I... I wanted to apologize

for scaring you the other
day when you checked in.

And for short-sheeting your bed.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

My boyfriend is on
the way over right now,

and I have to be nice to
him, so you'll have to leave.

Out. Out, out.

Hello, Michael.

Hello, Steph. I rushed
over as soon as I heard.

Here you go.

An emergency loofah sponge.

Thank you so much.
You're a good friend.

Wait a minute.

Those elbows have been
recently scrubbed and exfoliated!

I know. I lied.

Why?

I wanted you to come
over so that we could...

talk.

Really?

Yes.

Here. First, let
me take your coat.

Michael, I've never
done this before.

Do I just hang it
with the others?

Would you like to sit down?

So what did you
wanna talk about?

Michael, how have you been?

Okay. Steph, are you all right?

Fine, but enough about me.

Michael, what
was your past like?

Do we really have
to talk about that?

Well...

How about television?
I saw Gilligan's Island.

And you left it on?

Mary Ann had some lovely gowns.

Ginger.

Oh, I... I used to
confuse them, too.

Look, Steph, if you
don't mind, I really...

I'm not in the
mood to... to chat.

Oh, I see.

Well, isn't that just
what you'd expect?

Michael, do you think
a person can be nice

and angry at the same time?

I guess.

Good. Well, poo on
you, Michael Harris.

If a person is trying
to be pleasant and talk,

then the person she is
trying to be pleasant to

should be courteous
and talk back,

even if that person
isn't precious Susan.

Is that what this is all about?

Just sit there.

Please.

Here.

What is this?

Peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches.

You made these by yourself?

I tried, but Joanna had to help.

Oh, Steph, what
have I done to you?

I'm nice!

Oh, can you ever forgive me?

For which?

Making me be like this
or breaking up with me?

Both.

Oh.

Maybe.

Susan and I realized that
our friendship happened

just because of
the circumstances.

I mean, she and I were
together day and... um, day.

But... we aren't
right for each other.

Oh, Steph, I don't want kind!

I don't want nice! I want you!

Oh, Michael!

If I forgive you now, will
you make it up to me later?

Yes.

And will I ever have to
do this nice stuff again?

Maybe once in a blue moon.

And exactly how
often is the moon blue?

Hardly ever, Steph.

Michael Harris,

this...

is yours again.

I don't deserve you.

That's the boy I love.

Meow.