Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 5 - Desperately Desiring Susan: Part 1 - full transcript

Michael!

Guess what?

The new Norma
Kamali line is out.

Aw, Steph, you know I hate it

when you guess
better than it is.

Guess again.

Henderson's is
having a mumu sale.

No. Better.

Yours truly has been chosen
to put together a major project.

The WPIV Five Year
Anniversary special.

Can you believe it?



It's a three-hour
extravaganza, filled with,

well, whatever I
decide to fill it with.

I get my own staff
and everything. Well?

How exciting.

What does this mean to me?

Well, it means we're
both happy for your guy.

Michael, every time
you say "project",

it means "Take a
back seat, Steph."

Untrue, unfair, Steph.

You know my life is a
two-seater, just you and me.

Oh, yeah.

The last project you worked
on forced me to go dateless

for longer than I
had since I was five.

I had to spend a lot
of time at the station.



They were trying to unionize.

Takes a lot of effort to
squash one of those things.

But this special is a
different animal altogether.

Then, this stupid lucky break
won't interfere with my fun?

Cross my heart, and
my I chip a front tooth.

Our relationship
won't suffer a smidge.

Now, what say
you and I celebrate?

Dick, I'm done.

Hi, Dick. What's
with the dimples?

I'm just, uh, glad to see
that, uh, Bev took my advice

and decided to do
an anniversary special.

You mean the
extravaganza was your idea?

Just entirely.

Oh, sounds like this guy
owes you a big thank you.

Dick, it's on my to-do list.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and
this is my other brother Darryl.

And this is our card.

Your... your card.

We regret to announce
we had to discontinue

our popular enterprise
"Anything for a Buck".

Due to the ravages of inflation,

we had to go in an
entirely new direction.

An... Anything for a Buck Ten.

We'd appreciate it if
you'd spread the word.

Try and stop me.

Could I get that back?
We only have the one.

Those buck tens haven't
started rolling in yet.

♪ Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merr... ♪

Michael, could, uh...
Could we talk for a minute?

Aw, could you
make it quick, Dick?

I'm editing some golden moments

from The Mister
Sing With Me Hour.

There are so many.

I'm trying to find a segue from
"Row, Row, Row your Boat"

to "Michael, Row
Your Boat Ashore."

Sounds like you got a
long night ahead of you.

So, what's, uh... what's up?

Michael, I just felt we
should discuss what my part

on the anniversary
special is going to be.

Oh, no problem, Dick.

You won't be in the special.

What?

Well, Dick, it's not
that we don't love you,

it's just that we have
this pesky time problem.

The special's only
three hours long.

Michael, we had some
brilliant Vermonts Today.

It's one of the
station's major shows.

Dick, no one knows
that better than I do.

It's just not visual enough.

Well, it's certainly not as
visual as a... as a cartoon ball

bouncing over the
words "life is but a dream".

Exactly. I'm glad you
grasped it so quickly.

I'd love to talk more,

but JJ's on his way up
here with my new staff.

I've got assignments to give
out, you know, names to learn.

The whole anniversary
show was my idea.

Hold that thought, Dick.
Staff is starting to arrive.

The first introductions
are really important.

They set the tone for
the entire relationship.

Michael, meet Susan Polgar.

Hi, nice to meet you.

What, are you, my...
my secretary, my runner?

My editor?

Yes.

You mean she's the whole staff?

If it helps, I have
been called a dynamo.

Michael, if you're
through learning names?

Please, Dick, I've already
suffered a major disappointment,

and I'm trying not to cry.

Michael, I'm gonna find
some Vermont Today clips

for the anniversary show.

Gee, I thought we
decided to stay away

from those static
talking head things.

Lunchtime.

JJ.

Well, gee, I don't know
whether to have you make coffee

or a low-level decision.

I am sorry that our meeting
was spoiled by me being it,

but just think that when
this show is a great success,

everyone will say,

"And he did it
without a decent staff."

That's true.

Hey, then, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

You know, I've seen
some of your shows,

and compared to a
lot of local television,

they're really impressive.

Really?

And... and I'm not
just sucking up.

I mean, I thought that spin-off

you tried to do with
Pearls' Kitchen...

You mean Pearl's Pies?

Yeah.

I thought that was
a bit one-noted.

Wow. You're not a suck-up.

Not that that's something
I necessarily frown on.

Well, I hate to crack
the whip, but I'm, uh...

I'm in the midst of one
hell of a tough edit here.

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a... ♪

♪ Michael, row
your boat ashore ♪

Well, what do you think?

Do you want me to be honest

or is this one of those
times I should suck up?

Stephanie, I know
you're mad at Michael

because this project is
taking up so much of his time,

and he's had to
break every date...

But people come
here for a rest vacation.

No one wants to spend
it cowering in a corner

because of an irate
maid. Right, George?

Yes.

Uh... uh, right.

All right. I'll
try to control it.

Why should my misery
prevent other people

from having the
time of their lives?

Attagirl.

I'm going to the kitchen now.
George, you're the room monitor.

Okay.

As long as I don't catch an
eraser in the back of the head.

Steph.

Michael, I wanna
see some groveling,

and I wanna see it now.

Cupcake, I'm sorry I've
been working so much.

I'm scum, I'm low-life,
I'm a snail trail.

That's it?

Michael, not only have
I not seen you all week,

but the one time I got
through to you on the phone,

you put me on hold.

Michael, I had a self-doubt.

Oh, Steph, I... I'm the
thing that eats a snail's trail.

Don't be mad. I'm here now.

I... I made a special
effort just to come see you.

Yes, but I can't help but
notice you're still standing.

Head.

Oh, Michael, I'm such a softie.

Ah, Michael.

You said you'd be
here an hour ago.

A special effort
just to see me, huh?

Any chance of a reprieve if
I do that head thing again?

You crossed your heart
this project wouldn't affect us,

and it has.

Cupcake, I'm sorry.

If you're gonna blame
anyone, blame Dick.

This whole anniversary
special was his idea.

Sorry to make you
take a number, Dick.

What... What's up?

Michael, did you see the
list of Vermont Today clips

I put together?

I did, Dick.

It perfectly
illustrates my point

that the show is visual death.

Visual death?

Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick.
Lower those clenched dukes.

I think I've solved our problem.

We can shoot some new footage

and claim they were
old Vermont Today clips.

No one will know the difference

because not that many
people watch anyway.

Michael.

Dick, I'm glad you're
smart, but me first.

How's this for visuals? You
in a bolero shirt, limboing.

No.

All right, you're
thinking intellectual.

I can go with that.

You're interviewing a
beekeeper and the glass breaks.

You're swatting, you're
screaming, I'm excited.

I'm not mamboing under a
stick, I'm not working with insects,

and I'm not shooting
any new footage.

All right, all right, Dick.

I'll do what I can
with what we've got.

I'm gonna put you into the
show because you're my friend,

and I care about you.

You're pulling this
incredible star strip on me.

Hi. I believe you've
seen our card.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, I... I thought
I asked you guys

not to come to the
dining room during meals.

It's kinda urgent.

Darryl here's so perturbed,

he's been up all
night counting sheep.

Took us an hour this morning
to find which meadow he was in.

What's... What's...
what's wrong?

We have a bone to pick with him.

Good. Someone else, for once.

Why, what's the matter, guys?

It appears you've
been taking the taters

right out of our mouths.

Seems like I would
remember that.

Did you or did you
not help Billy Crenshaw

find his pet black snake?

Oh, yes.

Aha. You admit it.

Now, Darryl, in that
same time period,

how many jobs has Anything
for a Buck Ten racked up?

See?

One to zip.

It just don't seem fair,

you snatching a job
that we're eligible for,

especially a snake one.

That wasn't a job. I did
that as a favor for free.

Free? You didn't
charge anything?

No.

Looks like we have
some serious mulling to do.

I don't know how we're gonna
compete with those prices.

Not and still make a profit.

All right, it works.

It's great. You realize
what this means.

What's that?

We finished the first half.

We have, haven't we?

Shouldn't we be
celebrating or something?

Susan, these are the kinds
of moments we professionals

take in stride.

Half done, half done, half done!

Of course, when you
work all night, you...

You lose some of
that professionalism.

It's okay. You should
get excited more often.

You look real cute disheveled.

It's my new styling gel.

Lets you run the gamut
from blow-dry to messy

and still look groomed.

I have a way to celebrate.

Of course, it's not as
professional as yours, but...

Tadaa!

Peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches?

Whoa, you read my palate.

You made these all by
yourself just... just for me?

Well, I... I was sort of
hoping I could have just one.

Thank you.

And you... You
cut off the crusts.

Wait a minute. I...
I just gotta. A toast.

Oh, Michael, please.
No more compliments.

Please, I hate that.

To Susan Polgar, one assistant
as good as a staff of five.

Really, Susan,
you've been amazing.

Oh, go on, Michael.

I just wanna say one
more thing, then I'll shut up.

I was planning to grab credit

for this whole
anniversary special,

but since you've worked so hard,

when I do, I'm gonna
feel a little guilty.

You know, I used to eat
a ton of these sandwiches,

watching television.

Now I'm eating one
and working in television.

I'm in a rut.

It's all I did when I was
a kid, was watch TV.

What was your favorite show?

When I was nine years old,

nothing could touch
Gilligan's Island.

You're kidding! I loved
those wacky castaways.

I won a neighborhood
contest once

for the best Skipper imitation.

Oh, do it.

Hey, little buddy.

Ah... It's great.

Oh, who do you think
The Professor liked best?

Mary Ann or Ginger?

Well, Ginger had all
those great gowns.

But I used to love when Mary
Ann would get on that bike

and make electricity.

Okay, what was
your favorite series?

Well, I used to imagine I was
part of The Partridge Family,

and, uh, I had brothers
and sisters, and we all sang.

When they cancelled
that show, they...

They cancelled my family.

Oh, Michael, don't worry.

When you run a network,
you can bring 'em back.

I could, couldn't I?

Whoa, look at the time.

Do you realize we've been in
this room for 14 hours straight?

We should get home
and get some sleep.

Yeah. Good idea.

Oh, remember, we're half done.

See you tomorrow, Susan.
Thanks again for the sandwiches.

Oh, you're welcome. 'Night.

Good night.

Dick, Joanna, no one's dead!

I... I don't know what... I...
I mean, uh, half the show.

Half... Half done. Half
done, half done, half done.

She brought me peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches,

for goodness sake, I just...

We... We talked.
She loves television.

I love television.
So I spilled my life.

She was nice to me,
and that threw me.

I mean, Joanna was probably
nice to you, and good Lord,

look at what's
happened to you two.

You're laying here
all married. Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Michael,
it w... It was just a kiss.

And a... And a
kiss is just a kiss.

You love Stephanie. I do!

I do! Yes.

It was just the emotion...
of the moment! Yes!

Just keep picturing
Steph in that pink sweater.

Yes! That's it. I feel better.

Steph in pink
angora. Yeah. Okay.

Steph in pink angora,
Steph in pink angora...

Told you we
should've bought a gun.

Michael.

Hey, Dick.

Just in case you
need to know the rules,

don't ever come in
to my bedroom again.

I'm sorry, Dick. I was
temporarily out of my head.

You know, I was tired,
something happened,

and I blew it all
out of proportion,

but I had a good night's sleep,

a swell shower, and I'm
back to my normal self.

Don't ever come in
to my bedroom again.

Thanks for your
concern. I'm fine, Dick.

Good morning, Susan.

Hi.

Wanna go steady?

I'm getting ahead of
myself. Excuse me.

Uh, I... I... I, uh, we... The
swell shower! No problem.

Everything is fine.
And then, uh... Hi.

Then boom! Fireworks!

My... My heart's a
puddle. My soul's dancing.

Not fair. I don't...
I don't want her.

I mean, I don't... I want her, I
just don't "want her" want her.

Oh, damn. It's...
it's just too fast.

I know. I... I just... I just
haven't seen Steph enough.

That's it!

I'll go by, I'll see that
cute little button nose,

and then I'll be all right.

Yeah. Okay.

I just hope that to God she's
wearing that pink sweater.

Uh, come... come in.

Oh, hi, guys. What's going on?

Well, you're looking at three
weary casualties of a price war.

Your clever marketing
scheme has succeeded.

How can we compete when you've
undercut Anything for a Buck Ten

by a buck ten?

Oh, geez, sorry, guys.

We even devised our
own marketing scheme.

We tried to beat
you to the customers

by anticipating their needs even
before they knew what they were.

Oh, my God.

Yep, we started the morning

anticipating Miss Huffman
would need a home permanent.

Larry. You didn't.

It might've worked out if
Darryl hadn't anticipated her

needing a bikini wax as well.

Just so you boys know, I
don't need anything ever.

We couldn't'a helped her anyway.

To avoid prosecution, we
made a deal with Miss Huffman,

that we'd give up
our new strategy.

Of course, without that
going for us, we're screwed.

Another small business crushed

under the heel of a
well-meaning handyman.

Guys, wait.

I... I didn't mean to
crush you under my heel.

I was just doing
favors for some friends.

Like today I picked up
Miss Vivian's groceries,

and then I fixed
Mr. Denham's ladder.

That's it?

You seem to be
specializing in the mundane.

I guess that snake
job was just a fluke.

Yeah.

And if I hear of a job

that sounds more suited for
you than me, I'll let you know.

Come to think of it,
Miss Vivian has rats.

Does she want them?

No.

Thanks for the tip.

Come on, Darryl.
Let's get our fifes.

And the sheet music
from Peer Gynt.

Stephanie!

Oh, thank God!

Ooh! Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad
to see that sweater.

And you.

Michael, would you like a
comb and some time to yourself?

I had a few spare moments so
I... I dashed right over to see you.

Oh, what a nice
albeit tiny gesture.

I know you're still mad at me,
and you have every right to be.

I had no business ignoring
you and working so long.

It was... It was wrong...
And dangerous...

And I'm never gonna do it
again. I'll... I'll quit the project.

Really?

Really. Just forgive me, please?

Well, I don't know
if I can forgive you,

but I'll be less mad.

That's... that's my muffin.

Mm-hm.

I've got an idea

since we haven't seen
each other in a while.

Let's, uh... let's talk.

Talk?

Well, okay, if we
don't do it for very long.

So how... How are
you, Stephanie? Really?

Still a bit grumpy,

but it's nothing that a
dinner and drive can't cure.

No, I mean, uh, how's your life?

Michael, I work as
a maid for people

who expect me
to act like a maid.

And?

And that's icky.

Look, I'm not much of a
chatter. You know that.

So why don't we do
something instead?

Like have fun?

Could... could we,
uh, cuddle a little?

Sure.

Beard stubble.

Sorry.

Didn't you run the electric
razor on the way over?

Ah, the cigarette
lighter isn't working.

You have broken
stuff in your car?

Sorry.

Steph, do you like
peanut butter and jelly?

Ew!

Michael, I don't
understand this.

Why are we sitting here
doing this boring talking stuff?

But we never talk.

That's not true.

We discuss where to go
for dinner and how nice I look

and whether you look
better in navy or forest.

We talk tons. Now, let's go.

Steph, did you ever want
The Professor and Mary Ann

to get together?

Aren't they other people?

Steph, I'm afraid we
have a terrible problem.

Someone is very sick.

Worse.

I have something
stuck in my teeth.

No, it's... it's a different
kind of problem. I...

I wanna date another woman.

Oh, that's an easy
problem. No. No, no.

Well, either I date her

or I keep making out
with her at the office.

Michael!

I'm sorry, Steph. I didn't
mean for it to happen.

My lips went,
and I just followed.

Michael!

I'm so sorry! I just
like her so darn much!

Well, stop!

I can't.

Michael!

It's very simple.

You... you cannot date
someone else and me,

nor can you kiss
someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Her or...

Good-bye, Steph.