Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 4 - High Fidelity - full transcript

Stephanie, is... is
something wrong?

One of the most important
people in my life is gone.

I'm so sorry.

I can't believe my
hairdresser moved away.

One minute they're
here, laughing and smiling,

and the next minute they're
opening a salon in California.

Yeah. You hear about it
happening to other people,

but... you never think
it's gonna happen to you.

Oh, why is life so hard?

They say, sometimes,

work can... take your
mind off your grief.



Who could possibly think
of work at a time like this?

Oh, Dick, honey,

I want you to meet Hal Foster,
from my wine-tasting class.

Hal, this is my husband,
Dick, from the rest of my life.

-Hi. -Nice to meet you.

Ever since I started
taking the course,

I just knew I had to get
the two of you together.

I know you're
really gonna hit it off.

I know I... I certainly
felt something.

I've seen you on Vermont Today.

I really enjoy the show.

Oh, thank you.

We... We try to do an
interesting show with, uh,

thought provoking guests.



Ah, so, Dick,

how come you're not
taking this wine class,

like everybody else in town?

Well, I'm, uh... I'm
busy working on a book.

Uh, you know, there's a
lot of research involved,

and, uh, and besides, I...

I think it's stupid.

No... Dick.

No, actually, I felt
the same way at first,

but I'm havin' fun,

learning a lot, and
the homework...

is not half bad.

In fact, tonight we
have to taste this bottle

of '78 Cabernet Sauvignon.

Hey, why don't you join
us? This is a good wine...

Red.

That's... That's one
of the two best kinds.

Let... Let me give it a try.

Wine classes?

Nice move, Dick. Now
try for the rest of the cork.

Dick, Dick, Dick.

What, what, what?

Can we talk? Hombre to hombre?

Si.

I... I have some
terrible news for you.

What is it?

Okay, now, Dick, this
is some heavy stuff,

so try to keep that
lava on a low boil.

Everybody knows
what a hothead you are.

What do you mean?
I'm... I'm not a hothead.

Whoa, Dick. Temperature rising.

Take a gander at these.

24 color photos of Joanna
and some hubba-hubba guy.

Where did you get these?

Well, the moment I saw
Joanna with this homewrecker,

I ran home and got my camera.

If I was gonna blow
any up, I'd pick this one.

But they're all good for court.

Michael, I know this guy.

These are pictures of
Joanna and Hal Foster.

He... he's a friend
of hers. And mine.

Dick, you're not
just acting like this

so you'll have an alibi

for when you buy a
gun and plug this bozo?

Looks like you're
onto me, Michael.

I guess I'm gonna
have to take you out, too.

Joke, right, Dick?

Michael, Joanna and
Hal are just friends,

and I think it's fine.

Gee, Dick, you're more
of an '80s kind of guy

than I thought.

-Oh, hi, JJ. -Hi, Michael.

Uh, Dick, Bud and I have a
few questions for you about...

Oh. You've seen... the pictures.

Poor, pathetic,
betrayed little fella.

There is nothing going on
between Joanna and Hal and...

And the pictures mean nothing.

Sure, Dick.

I know I'd need more to go
on than photographic evidence.

Nice pictures of you
and the wife, Dick.

You know, you look
a lot better on film.

I'm looking for someone
to replace my hairdresser.

Someone who could cut
my hair so I can do this.

Oh. Thursday at
ten is fine. Bye.

So you finally have
an appointment.

No he has an interview.

I can't be too careful.

You're welcome to
use my hairdresser.

Oh, that's sweet. No.

What's wrong with mine?

Oh, Joanna you really
don't know do you?

Sometime we'll talk.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl.

And this is my
other brother Darryl.

Hi, guys.

Rumor has it, Miss Stephanie,

that you're having
some follicle problems.

Well, you're in luck.

Darryl here would be
happy to give you a shampoo,

blow dry, and a shave.

He's been itchin' to use his
cosmetology training again.

People actually let
you cut their hair?

Well, technically
not people yet.

But there ain't an
unhappy sheep in town.

Thanks, fellas, but...

I'd rather not be
worked on by equipment

that's been
touched by livestock.

Well, okay.

But if you change your
mind, we're available.

And remember,

if you don't look good,
we don't look good.

Hi... Hi, guys.

Can I, uh... Can I help you?

We drew drizzle to determine
who's gonna spill the bad news.

Darrel lost.

Darryl's chicken. It seems
that Darryl's chickened out.

Of course, who could blame
him, with your bad reputation.

What... what reputation?

As a hothead.

Now...

let me put this in the most
delicate terms possible.

Another hog is
moving in on your sow.

What... What... What are these?

Darryl took the
liberty of making some

crayon sketches
of the two of 'em.

The blue one is Miss Joanna.

That's her, all right.

I'm afraid Darryl
was quite graphic.

But it's true. She was grinning.

Well, I... I appreciate
your concern,

but there's... there's
no reason to worry.

Uh, Joanna and Hal,

the brown figure,

are... are taking a
wine-tasting class together.

They're just...
They're just friends.

Come on, Darryl.

Some men just refuse to
read the Crayola on the wall.

You know, I... I can't
get over some people.

I mean, they think just
because a married woman

is seen in town with a
single man, it's an affair.

Oh, who's having an
affair? Who? Who?

You... and Hal.

Me?

Well, what small-minded people

are spreading
those kind of rumors?

A couple guys at the station,
Larry, Darryl, and Darryl,

the Petersons, and Mrs. Preddy.

Who's Mrs. Preddy?

A woman who introduced
herself to me at the market

just to tell me
about you and Hal.

You're kidding?

Well, gee. Hal and I have
been on a few field trips.

We bought some wine
together, but that was all for class.

Honey, you don't
have to explain it to me.

Well, Dick, you know the
only reason I'm spending

this much time with Hal

is because you're
busy with your book.

Honey, it doesn't
bother me a bit.

I'm, uh... '80s kind of guy.

Besides, the people
that know us best

know the truth.

And you were so happy.

Gee, Dick, this is beautiful.
Joanna really outdid herself.

Well, I... actually,
I outdid myself.

What's the occasion?

I finished my book this morning,

and, uh, Joanna and I
decided to celebrate by

by having dinner
together tonight.

Then, shouldn't she be here?

She will be.

She's out, uh, touring
a collector's wine cellar.

Oh, she's on
another date with Hal.

It's not a date.

Hal pick her up, they
drove to the wine cellar

and Hal will drive her up here.

What part of that
makes it not a date.

George, I told you
not to worry about it.

She's just a
little... pretty late.

But she'll be here any minute,

and then the two of
us will be sitting down

and enjoying
one hell of a roast.

How's... how's that roast?

Terrific. I'm stuffed.

Joanna sure missed
a wonderful dinner.

Good wine, good
food, good company.

You know, Dick,

when your eyes catch
the flames just right,

they sparkle like diamonds.

Whoa. I think I've
had enough of this.

Dick. Dick, I'm sorry I'm late,
but I can explain everything.

Great dinner, Dick.

I think I'll just have my
parfait up in my room.

Joanna, you're
pretty... a lot late.

It's a very
hard-to-believe story,

but please don't
jump to conclusions

and just let me finish.

Hal and I met the
class at the wine cellar.

Afterwards, we were
caravanning to a cheese shop,

and a huge truck got between
us and everybody else,

and Hal and I got lost.

Then we stopped at a gas station

to ask where the
cheese shop was.

Dick, the guy acted
like he knew. He didn't.

And so there we were
on some tiny little road

that was just getting tinier.

Now, I know this sounds
even more unbelievable,

but the car broke down,

and Hal spent an hour
trying to get it started.

He finally did.

Now, I know this
sounds even more insane,

but it would only go in reverse.

We backed up 24 miles,

all the way home, and
it took twice as long,

because Hal had to keep
stopping to rub his neck.

And then a block from our
house, he tried shifting again,

it went right into forward.

Now, I know it sounds crazy
and suspicious, and unbelievable,

and there's no way I can
prove any of it happened,

but it really, really did, and
you've just got to believe me.

Honey, I'm just... I'm just glad
you're home and you're okay.

That's it?

You're not upset?

Didn't you wonder
where I was all this time?

Well, sure, but knowing
you were with Hal

made me feel a lot better.

And you weren't...

at all concerned that
something else might happen?

Oh, I thought about it.

You know, you could
have been in an accident.

Dick, I'm out after dark
with an attractive man,

I'm four hours late,

and all you worried about
was that I might be dead?

Joanna, I just
happen to trust you.

Well, that is the
most insensitive thing

I've ever heard.

I... I couldn't have
started this one.

Watch what you say to
him. You know how he gets.

Hi, Jim, Chester.

We have something
to tell you, Dick.

We're just a little worried
how you might take it.

Yeah, we know what
a hothead you are.

What is this? I'm not a hothead!

Well, you walked
straight into that one.

We don't want to
worry you, Dick,

but we've been seeing a lot

of Joanna and Hal seeing
a lot of each other lately.

The whole town's abuzz.

There's even talk of
doing some graffiti about it.

Look, uh, guys,
do... Do me a favor.

Go back to your people...

and... and tell 'em
everything is fine

between Joanna and myself.

As a matter of fact, things
have never been better.

Jim, Chester... You.

So if you need a place to stay,

there's room in my attic.

I'm going out now to a
lecture, not that you care.

Uh, Joanna, don't
you feel kinda silly

being mad at me
because I trust you?

Okay. Okay. I'm...

I'm... I'm sorry I...

I wasn't angrier about
you and Hal last night.

And... and... and believe me,

if all that stuff
happened again...

Well, I'd... I'd be
pretty suspicious.

If you'll get out of my
way, I paid for a ticket,

I don't want to be late.

Joanna, you've never given
me one reason not to trust you

in the 16 years that
we've been married.

Sure, Dick. Rub that in my face.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the
Legion Meeting Hall

for a lecture on the
Italian wine country.

And exactly what
time will you be back?

Nice try, Dick.

No, I'm serious. New rules.

You're not leaving here
until I hear all the details.

Fair enough, Dick.

First, I'm going
to the Legion Hall,

then I'm going out for a night
of wild, unrestrained passion.

And you'd better be back by 10.

Oh, hi, Stephanie.

I know what you're thinking.
My hair cut is hideous.

So why don't you just
come right out and say it?

Stephanie, it... It looks fine.

Hi, Dick.

Steph, your locks. Hatchet job!

Oh, Michael, the man
is licensed by the state,

and he cuts my hair to
within an inch of average.

Poor Steph.

Now we can't even go out.

Well obviously.

And Dick says
it looks all right.

Dick, Dick, this is no
time for cruel jokes.

Look, it sits there like hair.

Michael, if you don't mind,

I think I'd like to be alone,
and maybe condition.

Guess who I just saw?

Joanna and Hal, together again.

George, I'm only gonna
say this one more time:

Joanna and Hal
are just good friends,

attending a lecture

at the Legion
Meeting Hall. Period.

Exclamation point, George.

Dick Loudon is
above petty jealousy.

Besides, they're
at the Legion Hall.

Who could do anything
around all those American flags?

Yeah, I'm sure there's
probably nothing to worry about.

Darn right.

So what if Joanna sees more
of Hal than she sees of Dick?

And so what if they spend
a lot of time together...

drinking wine?

Yeah, and so what
if I just saw them

walking up to Hal's apartment?

Uh, there... there
must be some mistake.

Joanna's attending a lecture.

And... here's her
ticket to prove it.

I'll get my coat.

Hal, let me in. I
know you're in there.

It's open.

I know exactly
what you're doing.

Well, mayb...

Maybe not exactly.

I never knew Dick
went to wine country.

How'd you get that 3-D effect?

Lights.

Oh!

Hi.

Hey Dick, we we're just
looking the pictures of you.

You said you were going
to the Legion Meeting Hall.

We had to move. The
legion was meetin' there.

Boy, Dick, you really know
how to pick your moments

to burst in.

Personally, I would've waited

'til they were at a
baseball stadium.

Gee, Dick, they aren't
even sittin' together.

Boy, what a hothead.

Uh, the, uh...

The on... the only reason I...

I came is because, uh,

Joanna forgot her ticket.

See?

I thought...

I thought maybe
you... needed it to...

to get in.

Well, thank you, honey.

That was very thoughtful of you.

Wow.

This is better
than Playhouse 90.

Dick...

I'm sorry this had
to happen like this.

I want you and everyone to know

that Joanna and
I are just friends.

You don't have
to tell us that, Hal.

Yeah, Dick's the one
who's gone off the deep end.

Well, thanks...

Thanks for telling
me, but again, that's...

that's not the reason
I'm here. Lights!

Honey, are you all right?

Why don't we just

move to another
town and start over?

Dick, it wasn't that bad.

Yeah...

I could've been naked.

Oh, honey, don't be
so hard on yourself.

I guess if I hadn't gotten
angry at you for... trusting me.

You probably
would've... trusted me.

You wouldn't have
showed up here tonight.

Yep.

But the truth of
the matter is...

you being jealous
was kinda nice.

Well, don't expect a lot of it.

Don't you think you oughta
be getting back in there?

Missing the best part
of the evening, the...

laughing and the giggling.

No, I think I've seen enough
of the Italian wine country

for one night.

Come on, I'll trail you home.

Dick.

What do you think of my hair?

And this time I want
an honest answer.

It's a darn shame.

No! I just got it cut right!

Hey, what a difference!

I know.

I never thought I'd
find anybody in town,

so fabulous as...

Bernard Devo.

Hi, George. It's back!

Gee, Stephanie sure
is in a good mood.

Yeah, she found a
hairstylist she likes.

Bernard Devo.

You mean Bernie? He's my barber.

He's army trained, you know.

Wait until I tell Stephanie.

George!

Meow.