Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 3 - Dick the Kid - full transcript
Dick goes to a dude ranch for his vacation.
"The first time you apply
acoustical tile to your ceiling
is like the first time
man conquered space."
No, it isn't.
- Hi, how's the book coming?
- Oh, it's, uh, coming along.
So I see.
I'm sure Shakespeare
made lots of these.
All right, Joanna. It's...
It's just not flowing
like my last one,
Say It with Tub Enclosures.
That... that baby
just poured out of me.
Honey, you can't keep
procrastinating like this.
Don't you have a deadline?
Uh, sort of. It's
due... two days ago.
It's all right. I've only
got a few chapters left.
Now, I... I really, really
have to get back to work.
Wow.
All those beautiful red leaves.
One, two, three...
Excuse me, Dick. I
left my lug wrench here.
I'll be out of
your way in a jiffy.
Uh, uh, George, you
don't have to rush off.
Why don't you stick around,
and we'll... we'll talk a while.
I can't, Dick.
Joanna told me you might
try to pull something like this.
I promised her I wouldn't
give you the time of day.
Hello?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. You
have the wrong number.
So what's... what's going on?
Oh, wow, look at
all the red books.
One, two?
Life in the Old West.
"Jed Lawson rode into town,
hankerin' for a home-cooked
meal, a fresh horse,
and a hunk of gold.
Boy, I must've read
this a hundred times.
A hundred and one.
Hi.
I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
And we have a major bulletin.
The café has
gotten a bit boring.
Seems to just be cook,
serve, clear, cook, serve, clear.
Then every six months
you hose the place down,
and it starts all over.
Larry, bulletins are
usually shorter than this.
Well, cuttin' to the chase,
we decided to supplement
our restaurant income
by revivin' our once thrivin'
business: Anything For a Buck.
Well, that's great, guys,
but I can't think of
anything I need you for.
I mean, it's not like you could
do my work for me. Can you?
With all due respect, Miss
Stephanie, what's your job?
We never see you
do much of anything.
I'm the housekeeper.
I dust the rooms, I touch
other people's used bed linen.
I scrape gum out of soap dishes.
Whoo! Lots of
perks. We'll do it.
Okay.
But part of the deal has to be
that this is a
secret between us.
My lips are sealed.
Darryl? Darryl?
Oh, hi, guys. I didn't
see you come in.
They just got here. Right?
Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
Stephanie, when
you finish breakfast,
Mrs. Winnock in Room 6 needs
extra blankets and bath towels.
Joanna, it's like you expect me
to do the work of three people.
Well, come on, Darryl.
We best be gettin'.
We wanna make a good
impression on our first day.
Of the rest of our lives.
Oh, morning, honey.
I've... I've come to a major
decision about my life.
Yeah?
Joanna, I wanna be a cowboy.
How about some black coffee?
No, I mean it. I
wanna ride the range,
rope steer and sleep
under the big sky.
Isn't this a lot of
trouble to go through
just to keep from
writing your book?
It has nothing to do with
my deadline. I read this novel,
and it reawakened all
my childhood dreams
of being a cowboy.
Dick, you're serious?
Joanna, don't you
see what's happening?
I... I can't finish my
book because I'm in a rut.
I mean, if you stop growing and
moving forward, you become...
like me.
Dick, honey,
you're a city boy with
lower back problems.
How are you gonna
ride the range?
You have no experience.
Really?
Three hundred and fifty-two
pages. I read them all.
Everything's in here;
riding, roping, squaddling.
Squaddling?
Squaddling is the art of tying
your horse to a hitching post
with a single flip of the reins.
Morning, Dick,
Joanna. How you doing?
Dick wants to be a cowboy.
Pretty goomy, Dick.
She isn't telling
it right, George.
I just wanna take some
time off and go out west
and, uh, live in a
bunkhouse and...
-Be a cowboy. -Yeah.
I mean, George, haven't you
ever chased a... a boyhood dream?
Sure.
I always wanted
to be like my dad,
to be one of the best darn
handymen in all of Vermont.
Wow, I made it!
George, I just wanna
live out my dreams.
I... I checked with some ranches
in Oklahoma and Wyoming.
And when they want
me, I'm... I'm ready.
This is all so silly. You
can't really want to...
Joanna, don't fence me in.
Okay, guys. All clear.
Come on, Darryl, don't you
be pokin' around in there.
He ain't never seen the inside
of a vacuum cleaner bag before.
Come on. Let's sneak
you up to the guest rooms.
Stephanie!
Stephanie, what are
you doing with all that?
Making the inn spotless.
Don't you want that, Joanna?
Something strange
is going on here.
There certainly is.
I heard about Dick.
Stephanie, there is
nothing wrong with Dick.
He's simply
re-examining his life.
Well, the train
leaves in an hour.
By sundown tomorrow, I'll be
in a bunkhouse in Oklahoma,
polishing my saddle and
rolling my own cigarettes.
But, Dick, you don't smoke.
I don't wanna smoke
'em, I just wanna roll 'em.
Yeah, he's fine.
Honey, you can't leave. You
have responsibilities here.
I came to wish you luck, Dick.
Or should I call you "Pa"?
Michael?
Dick, what are you gonna do
when you want your horse to come?
Front, please!
You really should
do well out west.
It's a well-known
fact that innkeepers
are the toughest guys out there.
Michael, I have spurs in here
that jingle jangle and maim.
Okay, I'm... I'm outta here.
Hi... ho, How To
Book Writer, away!
Dick, I'm not real
big on good-byes,
but here's a little something
for those long, lonely
nights on the prairie.
Oh, gee, George. A
harmonica. Thank you.
It's the Billy the
Kid model, Dick.
I... I didn't know Billy the
Kid played the harmonica.
I think he just killed a
man who played one.
Dick, did you hear that?
They shoot people for
playing harmonicas out there.
Joanna, I know
this is ridiculous,
but it... it's something
I just have to do.
Your mind is made up, isn't it?
I... I can't fight it.
I'm a-goin'.
All right, Dick, if you
feel so strongly about it,
go west, middle... aged man.
Thanks, honey.
Well, I'll either be back in
a week or I'll send for ya.
Next.
Yeah?
What can I do for you?
I'm here to sign
on as a hired hand.
Where did you get those chaps?
You a rodeo clown or something?
I talked to you on the phone.
My name's Dick Loudon.
Oh, yeah. Loudon.
Sounded younger and
bigger on the phone.
You interested in
hiring the voice?
Or the man?
So, uh, what'd you
wanna work on?
Chuckwagon or something?
I'm here to ride, to
rope, to squaddle.
Squaddle? What's that?
That's where you tie your
horse to a hitching post
with one flip of the reins.
Really?
I can handle myself.
Give me a... give me a shot.
Well, I guess any guy who
knows what squaddling is
deserves a chance.
Pay is 600 a month, plus
room and grub. We rise at five.
No gamblin', no town women,
no killin', no horse stealin'.
I can live with that.
Welcome aboard, cowboy.
Hey, who's the stranger?
So, what are you, the
new chuckwagon guy?
No, I'm not here to cook.
I'm here to cowboy.
The name's Loudon.
Well, I'm Chet. This is Roby,
Wayne, Les, Miguelito and Jilel.
- Howdy.
- Stranger, you got a bunk yet?
Not yet.
Why don't you take
this one right here?
Thanks.
You missed quite a day
on the range, stranger.
Tough, huh?
Oh, it was hell.
Sunup, sundown,
14 hours of riding dusty
trails and then, boom.
The Toyota blew a gasket.
You... you round up
cattle with a truck?
Say, you hungry, stranger? We
could rustle you up some grub.
Well, all day long I've
been hankering for steak,
beans and biscuit.
Well, sorry, today's
Wednesday. Salad night.
We need the roughage.
I think I'll pass.
So whereabouts
you from, stranger?
Does it matter?
Well, I guess we're all
running away from something.
Me, I ran into a little
trouble down in Texas.
What... what kind of trouble?
I had a chain of
patio furniture stores
that went into Chapter 11.
Sounds rough.
So I drifted up here.
This place has been
pretty good to me.
So the ranch owner's a fair man?
Ranch owner?
This spread's a
wholly-owned subsidiary
of DeForest
Chemical Incorporated.
That must be some branding iron.
Hey, you. Indoor Face.
Me?
Yeah. You got your
gear on my bunk.
I didn't know.
Loudon, meet Bart.
Bart, Loudon's
the new hired hand.
Looks kind of puny.
You got any experience, Loudon?
Well, I've eaten salad
and sat a Toyota.
What do you think you're doing?
Rolling a cigarette.
This is a no smokin'
bunkhouse, stranger.
Yeah, you tryin' to kill us?
I don't believe this. I... I came
out west for... for adventure.
And look where I end up:
the Lazy Quiche Ranch.
Not a bad first day, Loudon.
Washing a truck is not
exactly what I had in mind.
You ain't so hot. I've
seen that chrome shinier.
It's time to have some
fun. Les, get the kit.
Finally.
I can seek my teeth in a
down and dirty game of poker.
Poker?
What are you talkin'
about, Loudon?
Gamblin's against the rules.
Have a little respect for
the corporation you work for.
What are we doing tonight?
What we always do on Thursdays.
Watch video cassettes.
Hey, guys. I rented High Noon.
High Noon? What's that about?
Forget it.
Tonight we're watchin' The
Muppets Take Manhattan.
Again? Bart, do we have to?
I say we have to. Anybody
got a problem with that?
No.
I got a problem with The
Muppets Take Manhattan.
You do, do you?
Not as a film.
It's a delightful romp with
strong production values.
But it seems everybody
in the bunkhouse
wants to watch High Noon.
You're talkin' mighty tough
for a guy with clown pants.
I don't want trouble, Bart.
I'm just following
the code of the west:
Majority rules when it
comes to videocassettes.
-He's right, Bart. -He's right.
Okay. High Noon tonight.
But only tonight.
Wow, nobody ever
stood up to Bart before.
Yeah, he's really something.
Yeah, you're pretty tough
around VCRs, Loudon.
But let's see how tough you
are tomorrow on the range.
Well, I'm meeting
Michael for lunch.
Your chores are all done?
At 11:30?
Joanna, I'm good.
Stephanie, something suspicious
has been going on here lately.
The guests have been
mentioning odd occurrences,
like happy faces
carved in the soap.
Oh. I'm just the maid.
I suppose I'm not allowed
to express myself as an artist.
Larry, what was that scream?
What were you doing upstairs?
Joanna, it's obvious!
They... got lost and
stepped on a cat.
Nice try, Miss Stephanie,
but I'm afraid we've been
caught rubber-handed.
We was just fixin'
to clean the bathtub,
but I guess the bather
still had feet to do.
You mean you've
been doing her chores?
This has to stop immediately.
Stephanie is the
housekeeper here.
Oh, poo. Come on, Larry.
It's okay. We'll
work something out.
Oh, no, you won't.
Guys...
Here's a dollar. Don't ever
work for Miss Stephanie again.
I'm sorry, Miss Stephanie,
but it is Anything for a Buck.
So you're leavin', huh?
Yep.
You know, from the time we
first seen you, we had our doubts.
You sure proved us wrong.
You earned our respect, Loudon.
Yeah. Nobody could
double-clutch like Loudon.
Better get outta here
before Bart gets back.
He said he didn't even
wanna see you today.
Loudon.
You still here?
I guess I am.
Why do you have to go?
My job here is done.
I got what I came for.
Now I gotta follow my dreams
where... wherever they take me.
I guess I can't
fault a guy for that.
Ever since I was a kid, I
always had a dream of my own.
Someday I wanna
get myself a little place,
maybe rent out a few rooms.
If it goes well, maybe do
a little writing on the side.
You dream big, Bart.
Well...
You're a good man, stranger.
And one hell of a cowboy.
I better hit the trail.
Uh...
Can I go with you, Loudon?
Sorry, I...
I ride alone.
Oh, Bart.
Who was that cute little guy?
Meow.
acoustical tile to your ceiling
is like the first time
man conquered space."
No, it isn't.
- Hi, how's the book coming?
- Oh, it's, uh, coming along.
So I see.
I'm sure Shakespeare
made lots of these.
All right, Joanna. It's...
It's just not flowing
like my last one,
Say It with Tub Enclosures.
That... that baby
just poured out of me.
Honey, you can't keep
procrastinating like this.
Don't you have a deadline?
Uh, sort of. It's
due... two days ago.
It's all right. I've only
got a few chapters left.
Now, I... I really, really
have to get back to work.
Wow.
All those beautiful red leaves.
One, two, three...
Excuse me, Dick. I
left my lug wrench here.
I'll be out of
your way in a jiffy.
Uh, uh, George, you
don't have to rush off.
Why don't you stick around,
and we'll... we'll talk a while.
I can't, Dick.
Joanna told me you might
try to pull something like this.
I promised her I wouldn't
give you the time of day.
Hello?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. You
have the wrong number.
So what's... what's going on?
Oh, wow, look at
all the red books.
One, two?
Life in the Old West.
"Jed Lawson rode into town,
hankerin' for a home-cooked
meal, a fresh horse,
and a hunk of gold.
Boy, I must've read
this a hundred times.
A hundred and one.
Hi.
I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
And we have a major bulletin.
The café has
gotten a bit boring.
Seems to just be cook,
serve, clear, cook, serve, clear.
Then every six months
you hose the place down,
and it starts all over.
Larry, bulletins are
usually shorter than this.
Well, cuttin' to the chase,
we decided to supplement
our restaurant income
by revivin' our once thrivin'
business: Anything For a Buck.
Well, that's great, guys,
but I can't think of
anything I need you for.
I mean, it's not like you could
do my work for me. Can you?
With all due respect, Miss
Stephanie, what's your job?
We never see you
do much of anything.
I'm the housekeeper.
I dust the rooms, I touch
other people's used bed linen.
I scrape gum out of soap dishes.
Whoo! Lots of
perks. We'll do it.
Okay.
But part of the deal has to be
that this is a
secret between us.
My lips are sealed.
Darryl? Darryl?
Oh, hi, guys. I didn't
see you come in.
They just got here. Right?
Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
Stephanie, when
you finish breakfast,
Mrs. Winnock in Room 6 needs
extra blankets and bath towels.
Joanna, it's like you expect me
to do the work of three people.
Well, come on, Darryl.
We best be gettin'.
We wanna make a good
impression on our first day.
Of the rest of our lives.
Oh, morning, honey.
I've... I've come to a major
decision about my life.
Yeah?
Joanna, I wanna be a cowboy.
How about some black coffee?
No, I mean it. I
wanna ride the range,
rope steer and sleep
under the big sky.
Isn't this a lot of
trouble to go through
just to keep from
writing your book?
It has nothing to do with
my deadline. I read this novel,
and it reawakened all
my childhood dreams
of being a cowboy.
Dick, you're serious?
Joanna, don't you
see what's happening?
I... I can't finish my
book because I'm in a rut.
I mean, if you stop growing and
moving forward, you become...
like me.
Dick, honey,
you're a city boy with
lower back problems.
How are you gonna
ride the range?
You have no experience.
Really?
Three hundred and fifty-two
pages. I read them all.
Everything's in here;
riding, roping, squaddling.
Squaddling?
Squaddling is the art of tying
your horse to a hitching post
with a single flip of the reins.
Morning, Dick,
Joanna. How you doing?
Dick wants to be a cowboy.
Pretty goomy, Dick.
She isn't telling
it right, George.
I just wanna take some
time off and go out west
and, uh, live in a
bunkhouse and...
-Be a cowboy. -Yeah.
I mean, George, haven't you
ever chased a... a boyhood dream?
Sure.
I always wanted
to be like my dad,
to be one of the best darn
handymen in all of Vermont.
Wow, I made it!
George, I just wanna
live out my dreams.
I... I checked with some ranches
in Oklahoma and Wyoming.
And when they want
me, I'm... I'm ready.
This is all so silly. You
can't really want to...
Joanna, don't fence me in.
Okay, guys. All clear.
Come on, Darryl, don't you
be pokin' around in there.
He ain't never seen the inside
of a vacuum cleaner bag before.
Come on. Let's sneak
you up to the guest rooms.
Stephanie!
Stephanie, what are
you doing with all that?
Making the inn spotless.
Don't you want that, Joanna?
Something strange
is going on here.
There certainly is.
I heard about Dick.
Stephanie, there is
nothing wrong with Dick.
He's simply
re-examining his life.
Well, the train
leaves in an hour.
By sundown tomorrow, I'll be
in a bunkhouse in Oklahoma,
polishing my saddle and
rolling my own cigarettes.
But, Dick, you don't smoke.
I don't wanna smoke
'em, I just wanna roll 'em.
Yeah, he's fine.
Honey, you can't leave. You
have responsibilities here.
I came to wish you luck, Dick.
Or should I call you "Pa"?
Michael?
Dick, what are you gonna do
when you want your horse to come?
Front, please!
You really should
do well out west.
It's a well-known
fact that innkeepers
are the toughest guys out there.
Michael, I have spurs in here
that jingle jangle and maim.
Okay, I'm... I'm outta here.
Hi... ho, How To
Book Writer, away!
Dick, I'm not real
big on good-byes,
but here's a little something
for those long, lonely
nights on the prairie.
Oh, gee, George. A
harmonica. Thank you.
It's the Billy the
Kid model, Dick.
I... I didn't know Billy the
Kid played the harmonica.
I think he just killed a
man who played one.
Dick, did you hear that?
They shoot people for
playing harmonicas out there.
Joanna, I know
this is ridiculous,
but it... it's something
I just have to do.
Your mind is made up, isn't it?
I... I can't fight it.
I'm a-goin'.
All right, Dick, if you
feel so strongly about it,
go west, middle... aged man.
Thanks, honey.
Well, I'll either be back in
a week or I'll send for ya.
Next.
Yeah?
What can I do for you?
I'm here to sign
on as a hired hand.
Where did you get those chaps?
You a rodeo clown or something?
I talked to you on the phone.
My name's Dick Loudon.
Oh, yeah. Loudon.
Sounded younger and
bigger on the phone.
You interested in
hiring the voice?
Or the man?
So, uh, what'd you
wanna work on?
Chuckwagon or something?
I'm here to ride, to
rope, to squaddle.
Squaddle? What's that?
That's where you tie your
horse to a hitching post
with one flip of the reins.
Really?
I can handle myself.
Give me a... give me a shot.
Well, I guess any guy who
knows what squaddling is
deserves a chance.
Pay is 600 a month, plus
room and grub. We rise at five.
No gamblin', no town women,
no killin', no horse stealin'.
I can live with that.
Welcome aboard, cowboy.
Hey, who's the stranger?
So, what are you, the
new chuckwagon guy?
No, I'm not here to cook.
I'm here to cowboy.
The name's Loudon.
Well, I'm Chet. This is Roby,
Wayne, Les, Miguelito and Jilel.
- Howdy.
- Stranger, you got a bunk yet?
Not yet.
Why don't you take
this one right here?
Thanks.
You missed quite a day
on the range, stranger.
Tough, huh?
Oh, it was hell.
Sunup, sundown,
14 hours of riding dusty
trails and then, boom.
The Toyota blew a gasket.
You... you round up
cattle with a truck?
Say, you hungry, stranger? We
could rustle you up some grub.
Well, all day long I've
been hankering for steak,
beans and biscuit.
Well, sorry, today's
Wednesday. Salad night.
We need the roughage.
I think I'll pass.
So whereabouts
you from, stranger?
Does it matter?
Well, I guess we're all
running away from something.
Me, I ran into a little
trouble down in Texas.
What... what kind of trouble?
I had a chain of
patio furniture stores
that went into Chapter 11.
Sounds rough.
So I drifted up here.
This place has been
pretty good to me.
So the ranch owner's a fair man?
Ranch owner?
This spread's a
wholly-owned subsidiary
of DeForest
Chemical Incorporated.
That must be some branding iron.
Hey, you. Indoor Face.
Me?
Yeah. You got your
gear on my bunk.
I didn't know.
Loudon, meet Bart.
Bart, Loudon's
the new hired hand.
Looks kind of puny.
You got any experience, Loudon?
Well, I've eaten salad
and sat a Toyota.
What do you think you're doing?
Rolling a cigarette.
This is a no smokin'
bunkhouse, stranger.
Yeah, you tryin' to kill us?
I don't believe this. I... I came
out west for... for adventure.
And look where I end up:
the Lazy Quiche Ranch.
Not a bad first day, Loudon.
Washing a truck is not
exactly what I had in mind.
You ain't so hot. I've
seen that chrome shinier.
It's time to have some
fun. Les, get the kit.
Finally.
I can seek my teeth in a
down and dirty game of poker.
Poker?
What are you talkin'
about, Loudon?
Gamblin's against the rules.
Have a little respect for
the corporation you work for.
What are we doing tonight?
What we always do on Thursdays.
Watch video cassettes.
Hey, guys. I rented High Noon.
High Noon? What's that about?
Forget it.
Tonight we're watchin' The
Muppets Take Manhattan.
Again? Bart, do we have to?
I say we have to. Anybody
got a problem with that?
No.
I got a problem with The
Muppets Take Manhattan.
You do, do you?
Not as a film.
It's a delightful romp with
strong production values.
But it seems everybody
in the bunkhouse
wants to watch High Noon.
You're talkin' mighty tough
for a guy with clown pants.
I don't want trouble, Bart.
I'm just following
the code of the west:
Majority rules when it
comes to videocassettes.
-He's right, Bart. -He's right.
Okay. High Noon tonight.
But only tonight.
Wow, nobody ever
stood up to Bart before.
Yeah, he's really something.
Yeah, you're pretty tough
around VCRs, Loudon.
But let's see how tough you
are tomorrow on the range.
Well, I'm meeting
Michael for lunch.
Your chores are all done?
At 11:30?
Joanna, I'm good.
Stephanie, something suspicious
has been going on here lately.
The guests have been
mentioning odd occurrences,
like happy faces
carved in the soap.
Oh. I'm just the maid.
I suppose I'm not allowed
to express myself as an artist.
Larry, what was that scream?
What were you doing upstairs?
Joanna, it's obvious!
They... got lost and
stepped on a cat.
Nice try, Miss Stephanie,
but I'm afraid we've been
caught rubber-handed.
We was just fixin'
to clean the bathtub,
but I guess the bather
still had feet to do.
You mean you've
been doing her chores?
This has to stop immediately.
Stephanie is the
housekeeper here.
Oh, poo. Come on, Larry.
It's okay. We'll
work something out.
Oh, no, you won't.
Guys...
Here's a dollar. Don't ever
work for Miss Stephanie again.
I'm sorry, Miss Stephanie,
but it is Anything for a Buck.
So you're leavin', huh?
Yep.
You know, from the time we
first seen you, we had our doubts.
You sure proved us wrong.
You earned our respect, Loudon.
Yeah. Nobody could
double-clutch like Loudon.
Better get outta here
before Bart gets back.
He said he didn't even
wanna see you today.
Loudon.
You still here?
I guess I am.
Why do you have to go?
My job here is done.
I got what I came for.
Now I gotta follow my dreams
where... wherever they take me.
I guess I can't
fault a guy for that.
Ever since I was a kid, I
always had a dream of my own.
Someday I wanna
get myself a little place,
maybe rent out a few rooms.
If it goes well, maybe do
a little writing on the side.
You dream big, Bart.
Well...
You're a good man, stranger.
And one hell of a cowboy.
I better hit the trail.
Uh...
Can I go with you, Loudon?
Sorry, I...
I ride alone.
Oh, Bart.
Who was that cute little guy?
Meow.