Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 2 - Camp Stephanie - full transcript

And how... How many were there?

Forty-five to fifty.

Forty-five to fifty ants?

Correct.

All... All on one cracker?

That's right.

Well, that's certainly all
we'll ever wanna know

about our third-world neighbors.

Thank you, Dr. Marquette,
for being on the show.

And we're clear.

Great show, Dr. Marquette.



You know, you really...

Hi, Bev. What did
you think of the show?

- I missed it.
- Then, it was one of my best.

Listen, I'm gonna be
out of town for a few days.

The station owner just called.

He has to, uh, miss the
TV marketplace convention,

so I gotta go in his place.

What... What's the TV
marketplace convention?

Dick, try to learn something
about the industry you work in.

That's where we buy old TV shows

and put them in
our new fall lineup.

Oh, sort of out with the
old and in with the old.

A word of advice, Bev. If
I were you, I'd stay away

from that colorized version
of Father Knows Best.



I heard Bud turned out green.

I'll make a note.

Oh, uh, is there anything I
can for you while you're gone?

Water your plants?
Feed your fish?

Read to your dog?

Everything is taken care of.

All I have to do is cancel
my Ranger Girls meeting.

Well, cancel that cancellation.
I can handle that scout thing.

I don't mean to toot my
own horn, but you're, uh...

You're looking at
a former Webelo.

You know, Michael, you're
impressing the hell out of us.

These are Ranger Girls,
Michael. It has to be a woman.

Well, then, let me be the one

to find you a
substitute troop leader.

It's not that simple, Michael.
We have activities planned.

Bev, no problemo. I've
got the perfect person.

Joanna! Right, Dick?

Michael, there... There
might be a problemo.

Michael, you can't
just volunteer someone

without asking them first.

Well, you can if it's for a
good cause, which this is.

Anyway, only a louse would
turn down the Ranger Girls,

and Joanna's not a louse.

Is she, Dick?

Of course not.

Then, it's settled.

No, it isn't.

Look, Michael, I'll get
you a list of the girls' names

and phone numbers.

Either get a substitute
or call them and cancel.

Will do, Bev.

So, Dick... No way,
Michael. You ask Joanna.

But, Dick, you know
how to manipulate her.

You talked her into
marrying you, didn't you?

Well, what do you think?

I thi... I think it's... it's a
nice piece of wood, George.

Thanks, Dick. It's my
first shot at carving.

I was always pretty
good at pointy sticks,

but who would have
thought I had this in me?

You're another, um,
guy who carves wood.

What's... What... What is it?

It's a miniature replica
of Mt. Rushmore.

Who... Who is this?

That's you, Dick.

They started out as presidents,

but they came out looking
more like people I know.

The one in the middle
is Mr. Green Jeans.

Oh, honey, look.

George has immortalized
me in, um, bark.

It looks like Mt. Rushmore.

Wow, I am good at this.

Yeah, this is, uh...
This is Lincoln.

And Jefferson and me
and Mr. Green Jeans.

Very imaginative, George.

Well, actually, it makes sense.

If it... If it weren't for the
problem of time and space,

we would've all
hung out together.

I was hoping you'd like it.

You know, I'm gonna
let you put "Mt. Stratford"

on display right
here in the inn.

Oh, George, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, we really couldn't.

You don't have
to thank me, Dick.

Boy, I can't wait to
see where you put it.

Think of it this way, honey.

If George were our
five-year-old son,

we'd think this was pretty good.

Yeah, but he's our
56-year-old handyman...

and it stinks.

Hi, troops.

Lovely 'do, Joanna.

Oh, thank you, Michael.

Say...

How would you like to fill in

as troop leader for
Bev's Ranger Girls

while she's out of town?

Troop leader?

Yeah, this, uh, Webelo,
volunteered you without asking.

Well, that might be fun and who
could turn down a good cause

like the Ranger Girls?

Sure, I'll do it.

Gee, Dick, first you don't know
anything about the TV business,

and then you don't know
anything about your woman.

What gives?

Michael, may I speak
to you for a moment?

How could you?

I'm sorry, Steph,
I... What did I do?

You asked Joanna to take over
those Ranger Girls and not me.

But, Steph, this
involves giving.

I can be giving,

especially if there's
something to be gotten in return.

See, I give them
an hour with me,

someone to pattern
their lives after,

and in return, I get looked up
to and adored and worshipped

and maybe some applause.

Gee, Steph, you're
another Schweitzer.

I know.

Joanna...

I'm... I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to rescind that offer.

I had no idea the A
Team was available.

Stephanie?

Don't feel bad, Joanna.

Oh, Michael, I'm sure
Joanna understands.

After all, I am much
closer to their age.

I think I found a place
for George's sculpture.

Honey!

Dick, those are for
the Ranger Girls.

Honey, it's never too
early for those girls

to start learning to
watch their weight.

Well?

Stephanie, don't you think
you're a little overdressed

for a Ranger Girls' meeting?

Joanna, if you knew
so much about this,

don't you think you
would've been first choice?

I'm going to go now.

I can't wait for them to
get here and meet me.

Imagine all those little
girls' lives peaking at once.

Yeah, after you, all these
cookies will be a letdown.

Well, here we are.

Green girls, I'd like you to
meet Stephanie Vanderkellen,

your incredible, wonderful,

milk-skinned
goddess-like den muffin.

Thank you.

I'm only temporary, so
don't get your hopes up.

Michael, you can leave now.
You're splitting their focus.

Well, why don't I tell
you a little about me,

and then we'll open
the floor to compliments.

The first thing I wanna
tell you about myself is

I hate your uniforms.

Tell me who's forcing
you to wear them,

and I'll make them stop.

Nobody's forcing us.
We like our uniforms.

Yeah.

Yeah, we like 'em.

But if you all dress alike,

how can you tell whose
fathers make the most money?

Who cares?

In every group, there's
always a bad egg.

Okay, you can start now
with that flood of questions

about how to be more like me.

Miss Dutton was gonna
talk about survival.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's see.

It's the night of your
coming-out party.

Everything's perfect, you're
about to make your big entrance,

when suddenly, without
warning, you break a nail.

Miss Dutton was gonna
talk about outdoor survival.

Ew, boring.

You must be glad
you have a substitute.

I wanted to hear about that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're lost in the woods.

You have no food,
no warm clothing,

it's getting dark,
and you break a nail.

Oh, man.

I told you it was boring.

Not when Miss Dutton does it.

Well, she's not here. I am.

We know.

Well, I was sort of
saving this for the end,

but how about if we draw?

Okay!

Yeah!

Good.

Now, which pose do
you like me in best?

This one or this one?

Miss Dutton didn't interview
you for this, did she?

Well, at least the
snacks look decent.

I think it's time to
call your parents.

But we haven't had our
cookies and punch yet.

You have to earn cookies and
punch, and you haven't tonight!

Well?

Did you put Mt.
Stratford on display yet?

Sure did, George.
It's... It's in here.

Wow!

Could you, uh,
hot-and-cold me, Dick?

Right under your nose, George.

Right here.

Gee, Dick, it doesn't
exactly jump out at you.

Well, you know, when you...
You know, when you stand there,

but, uh, when, you know...
When you... When you...

stand here, I mean,
you... You can't miss it.

I'll try to find a better
place for it, George.

All five of us
would appreciate it.

Morning, Dick.

Has anyone seen my
Leader of the Pack?

Michael, how do you get your
tongue to say those things?

So, Steph, how'd it go?

Bet those kids have stiff necks
from all that looking up to you.

It went fine, Michael.

Great, well, if you thought
you had fun last night,

wait 'til you hear what
you get to do next time.

Sorry, Michael,
I'm busy next time.

But, Steph, you, the
kids: cute-a-rama!

If you don't come back,

you'll break their
pre-pubescent hearts.

How can you turn
down all those kids?

The adoration,
the worship, the...?

Okay, okay, okay! Maybe
last night wasn't perfect.

In fact, it was a nightmare.

It was an entire room of
people almost not liking me.

They just sat there and stared.

Well, there you go. That's
a classic symptom of awe.

Michael, I know awe.

I live with awe every
day, and this wasn't it.

But, Stephanie... Michael!

I came this close to failure,

and I'm not taking
that chance again.

Dick, I just saw my lifestyle
flash before my eyes.

You think you could ask Joanna
if she would fill in for Steph?

Michael, does this
answer your question?

Knockout sweater, Joanna.

What do you want, Michael?

Well, I was thinking,

since you wanted to guest-host
those Ranger Girls so much,

it's only fair you
and Steph take turns.

Stephanie doesn't
wanna do it again, right?

Purely a coincidence.

Michael, after the
way you treated me,

I'm not doing you
any more favors.

You're absolutely right. Hit me,
kick me, hurt me, I deserve it.

But is it fair that those cute,

innocent Rangerettes
should suffer?

All right, Michael, I'll
do it for the girls' sake.

Oh, great, Joanna,
you're in for a treat.

Those Ranger Girls are having
an overnighter this Saturday.

That sounds like fun.

Michael, you didn't tell
me it was an overnighter.

I was always the hit of
everyone's slumber parties.

They'd have to like me.

Okay, Michael, I'll do it.

Terrif, Steph. Let's make plans.

Sorry, Jo.

But if Steph changes her
mind, you'll be the first to know.

You're not gonna put it there?

I promised George.

But it ruins the whole inn.

Wow! What a great place for it.

Gee, Dick, thanks. It
makes the whole inn.

Yeah, we were...
We were just sort of...

Sort of saying the same thing.

Boy, now I feel really lousy
about what I have to say.

What is it?

It's just that I'm so
proud of Mt. Stratford,

I'd like to look
at it all the time.

Would you mind very
much if I kept it in my room?

Gee, I don't know, George.

It's gonna be tough getting
used to the... to the inn without it.

But we'll adjust.

Oh, you two.

Did I think I'd just
leave you in the lurch?

You didn't make another one?

I tried, Dick, but I
couldn't duplicate it.

But I did make you this.

The Statue of Liberty
with Bea Arthur's face.

Picture this on the front lawn.

Here you go, Dick.

Wow.

I never saw them
together before.

I hate to ask, but c...?

You guys!

Well, Dick, here it is. I
got all the tykes' grub.

By the way, your half of
the bill comes to 22 dollars.

Okay, Dick, but when
Bev asks if you helped,

I'm showing her this.

Well, how do I look?

Steph, you could put
Sleeping Beauty to shame.

She's not real.

Well, then, who's
that gorgeous actress

you're so much prettier than?

-Jessica Lange? -That's the one.

Oh, Michael, you always
say the perfect thing.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

You girls have a lot to
learn about slumber parties.

What slumber party?
We're going on a campout.

Yeah, a campout.

Whoa, Steph. Crossed wires.

Who would've thought
anyone would've planned

to spend an overnighter outside?

We're still gonna
get to go, aren't we?

Miss Dutton promised us.

Steph, we're talking about
a promise to a... a little child.

And a big boss.

Michael, unless you
plan to build a dome

over the wilderness...

Please take us.

Sorry.

If you were camping
any place but outdoors...

Can't you make her take us?

Haven't you been watching
the last five minutes?

This is the worst
night of my life.

You said that the last
time we were with her.

I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

It probably wouldn't
have been as much fun

as we imagined anyway.

Okay, okay, okay.

You'll do it, Steph?

I have to. I'm out-pouted.

Yay!

Yeah!

All right!

Don't get too excited.
It's still with her.

Ew!

Ick!

Ew, ew, ew!

Whoa, Steph. New record.

Are you sure we can't
go further into the woods?

Yeah, I can still see
the inn from here.

Hey, this is a great spot.

And look, Star
light, Star bright,

First star I see tonight.

That's the porch light.

Oh, my God. We forgot
the electric blanket.

I'm sorry, Steph.

I hooked together every
extension cord in the inn,

and they still wouldn't reach.

Shouldn't he be leaving?

No.

It's no boys allowed.

I think it's, like, a... a
state law or something.

Wow. These tots
know their torts.

Well, I'd better, uh, vamoose

or we could be
spending our weekends

kissing through wire mesh.

Michael!

Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bu...
Good night, Steph.

Porch light, Porch bright,

please bring
Michael back tonight.

Stupid, stupid porch light.

What was that?

Just an owl.

Well, tell it to stop.

Stop, owl.

Well, it's never going to
stop if you're sarcastic with it.

You've never been outside
at night before, have you?

I have, too. I mean,
sunroofs count, right?

Come on, let's
go sit by the... Fire!

We made it.

I knew that.

Are you being bad or something?

No, it's a campfire.

For campout.

Aren't you going to sit down?

I'm the leader. I
think I should stand.

Okay, but you might get
some fire ashes in your hair.

Ew, when was the last time
these woods were cleaned?

So, what sort of activities do
you usually do on these outings?

It's your job to pick.

I was afraid of that.

Well, since I don't seem
to be real good at that,

according to you, why
don't you pick the activity?

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

I know! Tell ghost stories.

Yeah!

All right!

Okay.

I'll go first.

It was a night just like
this, exactly 20 years ago,

when the headless...
Okay, that was fun.

Let's do something
else. Anything.

Marshmallows are ready.

Here's one for you,
Miss Vanderkellen.

Why waste it on
her? She won't eat it.

Wait a minute. Don't
jump to conclusions.

I'll-I'll hold the stick.

Wow.

There.

You have a little
goo on your cheek.

I know. I can leave it on.

There. That's long enough.

Makeup? On a camping trip?

Don't tell me I don't
know about survival.

How do you do that?
Without making it go all over?

Well, with lips as
perfect as mine, it's easy.

Yours aren't half bad.

My mother says I'm too
young to wear makeup.

Your mother's wrong.

Oh!

Oh, me!

Me, please!

I want some makeup!

I'm next!

Psst.

Michael, what are
you doing here?

I've been within blood-curdling
scream distance all night.

I almost ran off
when I saw that fire.

I did it, Michael.

They loved me just
like they're supposed to.

Maybe even a little more.

Great, Steph.

Well, since things are
going so swimmingly,

I guess you don't need me

crouching out in
the bushes all night.

Get real, Michael.

Hi ho.

Michael, you look like
Mother Nature spit on you.

I spent the night
crouching out in the bushes

keeping an eye on
Steph and the kids.

Say, Joanna, you
wouldn't happen to have

anything for a hungry
hombre, would you?

I have some French
toast right here.

Oh, yum. My tongue
has goosebumps.

Oh, honey, I... I
sort of wanted that.

Sorry, Michael.

I didn't know the A
Team was hungry.