Newhart (1982–1990): Season 5, Episode 1 - Co-Hostess Twinkie - full transcript
Dick is saddled with a perky co-host he doesn't want; Larry, Darryl, and Darryl name their pet pig after Stephanie.
Well, that's all
the time we have.
Thank you, Professor Chatsworth,
for showing us your
insect collection.
I'm sure you'll find your
runaway scorpion, Cecil,
in no time flat.
And we'll see you next
week on Vermont Today.
-And we're clear. -Cecil! Cecil!
Hey, I found him.
He crawled onto a
Danish and got stuck.
So, Dick, what did you
think of today's show?
Thought it was fine until Cecil
decided to make his break.
Was it a good example of
the kind of show you like to do?
A kind of lasting impression
you'd like to leave
with the public?
-I guess so. -Good.
'Cause Vermont
Today's been cancelled.
Cancelled? Why? We have...
we have a small audience,
but they're...
they're... They're loyal.
Correction, Dick. Were loyal.
The competition won them over
with their Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour.
But don't worry.
This shoulder will always
be here for you to cry on.
- Michael. Telephone.
- Excuse me, Dick.
All right, ev...
everyone, you want to...
You want to gather 'round?
I, um...
I have some sad
news that I'd, uh...
I'd like to... to
share with you.
Vermont Today,
the... The show you...
We've all worked so hard on,
uh, has... has been cancelled.
We know that, Dick.
- You... you do?
- Everybody knows.
Well, I... I just wanted...
Wanted to thank you
for the fantastic
job you've done,
and, uh, let you
know that I've...
I've been touched
by your kindness,
your friendship, your loyalty...
Can we go now, Dick? We
have to set up for Pearl's Kitchen.
Your ha... your ha...
Your hard work...
Back, Dick. Now that you're
over your cancellation blues,
let's talk about your
brand-new show.
Well, what... what new show?
Oh, didn't I tell you?
It's called On The Town,
a modern, '80s-type program.
Hip, fast-moving,
pow... Pow... powerful.
Well, it sounds
hor... Hor... horrible.
Well, don't worry, Dick.
It'll still be brainy
like Vermont Today.
Michael...
And you'll be able to move
out of the studio and on location.
Location?
Always wanted to do that.
Okay, Michael. I'd better,
uh... Better tell the crew.
Uh, ev... everyone, you wanna...
You wanna gather 'round?
Again?
You trying to get
us fired, too, Dick?
A... Apparently my announcement
was a little premature.
Uh, Michael tells me that
we'll all be working together
on a new and I think
even better show.
We know.
On The Town, right, Dick?
Right.
Well, that's... that's all the
new information there is.
Right?
Except for who you're gonna
get to be your sexy new co-host.
Mi... Michael, what's
all this about a co-host?
- Where'd you hear that?
- From the crew.
Oh. Then, it must be true.
But don't worry. You...
you get to pick her.
- Is... is that right?
- Yeah, right.
-Yeah. -Uh... huh.
Hi.
I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
And this is our new
quadroped acquaintance.
Ew.
I have never seen anything
in pink look so frightening.
What a great pig.
We was taking a bicycle
tour of local cesspools
when suddenly we
saw these two tiny eyes
staring out at us through
multiple layers of filth.
- That would be hard to resist.
- Yeah.
It just seemed to grunt,
"Take me. Take me."
What do you call it?
Well, that's a large portion
of the reason we're here.
We've decided on Miss Stephanie.
There is a God,
and He does punish.
Stephanie, they named the
pig after you as a compliment.
How are you, Miss Stephanie?
These are very pretty
cloven hooves you have.
Waddle on over
here, Miss Stephanie.
Let's see that
sproinky tail shake.
George!
Uh, I guess I have some
handyman stuff to do.
Hi.
What's with the pig?
Larry, Darryl and
Darryl have named
their new pig after Stephanie.
Works for me.
Everyone, you want to...
you want to gather around?
I have a sort of sad
announcement to make.
After, uh, three
years on the air, uh...
Vermont Today has...
has been cancelled.
We know, honey,
and we're all very sorry.
You... you all knew?
Well, Michael called and told me
and I told George and Stephanie.
Well, how... how did you know?
Anybody with an
eye for the Nielsens
could've seen it coming.
That Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour
was a masterstroke
of counterprogramming.
Well, it's time to
slop Miss Stephanie.
My recurring nightmare
has come true.
My name has been
used in a sentence
containing the word "slop".
Honey, Michael also
mentioned that your new show
would have a
permanent co-hostess.
Now, I made a deal with
myself that I would ask you once,
accept your answer, and
that would be the end of it.
No ifs ands or buts.
No.
We're so very, very happy
you joined us this evening.
Please come back
and visit with us again
real, real, real, real
soon. Right, Dickie?
Y... yeah.
That's it. Nice audition, Buffy.
Oh, you really think so?
I may have put a few
extra words into the script.
I have kind of a
tendency to do that.
Yeah, I really, really,
really didn't notice.
You know, I really enjoyed
doing the weather on Channel 10,
but it would be
so incredibly neat
to get to do deeper stuff.
Well, we'll let you know.
I mean, if I get this
job, it would make me
so amazingly
fantastically excited!
Well, that's... that's
something I'd like to see.
Well, our next possible
femme sidekick is Liz Sable.
Hi.
First, let me say I refuse
to wear a bikini, halter top,
push-up accessories
or any article of clothing
that exposes my body for
cheap, titillating purposes.
Well, uh, you shouldn't
have to worry about that.
Our goal is to do a classy,
informative show about Vermont.
Sure.
Well, start any time.
What are you looking at?
Good evening, everyone,
and welcome to On The Town.
I'm Liz Sable.
And...
I'm Dick... I'm Dick Loudon.
Ah, that... that was very nice.
We'll let... we'll let you know.
If I were a man,
you'd let me finish.
I don't know about you, Dick,
but I feel like checking to see
if I still have all
my equipment.
Next we have Nancy Preston.
Oh.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, I'm a big fan
of Vermont Today.
I'm sorry it was cancelled.
Well, thanks. That's
very nice of you.
Do you, uh, have
your copy handy?
Well, actually, I've
memorized my part.
- I hope that's okay.
- Just this once.
-Start anytime. -Thank you.
Good afternoon, and
welcome to On The Town.
- I'm Nancy Preston.
- And I'm Dick Loudon.
We're gonna travel all
over this great state of ours
and see everything, starting
with how they tap trees
to get maple syrup.
-Take it away, Dick. -Wow.
Well, I... I've certainly
heard enough.
Oh. Well, thank you.
I really do hope we
get to work together.
Maybe my Masters
in Vermont History
won't go to waste, after all.
Wow.
So, Dick, what do you,
uh... What do you think?
- There's no contest.
- I couldn't agree more.
So do you wanna
be the one to tell
the guy grinder she
didn't get the job?
Okiedoke, you can open them.
Gee, Mich...
Michael, this is nice.
The station has high
hopes for this show.
No expense was spared.
- Great staircase.
- Oh, don't touch that!
Well, in order to get
the set looking this good,
we kinda had to ignore
the building codes.
It's perfectly safe. Just
remember one simple rule.
Never lean.
Well, I... I think,
despite the danger,
this is gonna be a good show,
and I'm starting to
get excited about...
About working with a co-host.
Hi, Michael! Hi, Dickie!
Oh, this set is so incredibly,
wonderfully neat, isn't it?
Yeah.
What's she doing here?
Good one, Dick.
You have to get
used to this loon.
No, she doesn't...
What's going on?
Dick, Dick, access
those brain cells.
You said it
yourself: no contest.
Host, meet your "co".
Oh, Dickie, it's gonna
be so amazingly terrific
working together.
Look, Buffy, would... would
you excuse us for just a moment?
I... I'm sure you can
keep yourself happy.
Don't lean.
How could you hire her?
Gee, Dick, I thought we agreed.
It's a little lousy of you
to flip-flop on me now.
I didn't flip-flop. I
never wanted her.
I wanted Nancy.
She... She was smart,
she was competent and...
and she loved Vermont history.
Well, no offense,
Dick, but snore, snore.
Trust me, you and
Buff will be boffo.
I hate her!
Well, try and
have fun with that.
She has to go.
Oh, hi, honey.
How'd it go today?
Just... just great.
So is Nancy Preston as good
a co-hostess as you thought?
Well, uh, Michael
didn't exactly hire Nancy.
He hired somebody
named, um, Buffy Denver.
Buffy Denver?
You mean that terminally-happy
weather girl on Channel 10?
That, uh, sounds...
sounds a little like her.
I hate her.
Oh, I do, too.
She's so superficial.
I, uh... I... I tried to fire
her, but I couldn't do it.
It'd be like stomping a smurf.
Hi.
You're lookin' at three
usually happy-go-lucky scamps
who've just hit bottom.
Something wrong?
We have bad news, Miss
Stephanie, you're missin'.
You mean the pig one.
We went out to her
pen, and she was gone.
The bolt was pulled
and the latch released.
Somebody let her out?
We doubt if she'd
have had the dexterity
to do something
like that on her own.
Who could have
done such a thing?
Hey. I know.
Maybe not.
Stephanie, over here.
Yeah.
You let that pig out
of the pen, didn't you?
I was just setting it
free so it could go back
to the forest or sea or
wherever they come from.
Stephanie, pigs don't
live in the forest or the sea.
Then, this one
will be the first.
Excuse me. I hate to
break up a family chat,
but we have some
sow-seekin' to do.
I'll just post this right here.
"Missing: Miss Stephanie,
farm-grown, tiny pin eyes,
approximately 300 pounds.
Will respond to her name
or a pat on the rump."
Larry, is this the
only poster you have?
Yep.
Oops, it ripped.
That's okay. We have a ton
of others slapped all over town.
Oh, my God!
Wait! Let's search
for her together!
You know, I'm really
excited about doing
my first live remote broadcast.
Yeah. Me, too, Dick.
I'd much rather lug
around this portable hernia
than sit on my duff in a nice,
comfortable control booth.
Oh, Dick, look who's here.
It's your history "Buff".
Oh, you, uh, you... you made it.
Places, everyone.
Dick, before we go on,
I just wanna say that,
well, this is your kind of
environment and my first show,
so if you don't mind, I'll just
stay quietly in the background.
I... I think your
instincts are very good.
Well, thank you.
And in three, two...
- Hi, I'm Dick Loudon...
- And I'm Buffy Denver.
And we're coming to you live
from the Vermont
Museum of History.
This is one of my
favorite places,
and I'm thrilled
to be able to share
the reverence and
appreciation that I...
I'm sorry. I always giggle
in museums, don't you?
Not... not really.
We're, uh... we're
standing next to, uh,
one of the museum's
most prized possessions.
A letter dated 1778,
it's signed by Thomas Jefferson.
- The letter concerns...
- Oh, let me see!
I once took a course
in handwriting analysis.
See the way he loops his E's?
That means he was
real shy at parties.
What did he do for a living?
For, uh... for a couple
years, he took a...
A crack at running the country.
That's right. He was president.
Well, it's, uh... Let's
move over here.
This is an authentic general's
map of the Battle of Bennington,
where the brave
colonists fought the British.
Oh, I know where this is!
This area is known
for its high humidity.
Not only were those brave
soldiers battling the redcoats,
but they were also battling
that frizzy hair weather.
I... I think... I think now
would be a good time
to bring in the curator
of the museum,
Mr. Dennis Longfellow.
Hello, Dick. Buffy.
You want me to comment
on that frizzy hair thing?
No, no. That... that's okay.
Um, tell us, Mr. Longfellow,
which exhibit is your favorite?
Well, that would have
to be right over here,
Ethan Allen's diary.
Ooh, this is personal.
Should we really
be looking at this?
I hate when people look at mine.
I'm sure, uh... sure
Ethan Allen wouldn't mind.
Well, then, as long
as we're snooping,
does it mention in
there when he decided
to get into the
furniture business?
Buffy, why... why don't we...
Why don't we just let
Mr. Longfellow talk?
Well, uh, I'm... I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
I always get hollered
at in museums, too.
Well, it's... it's
all right, Buffy.
Did you have to come down
on her so hard, Mr. Loudon?
She was only trying to
breathe a little life into this place.
I'm, uh... I'm sorry. I...
I wish half the people
who came into this museum
had her enthusiasm
and... And curiosity.
But you had to
crush it, didn't you?
- Well, I... I...
- Go to hell, Mr. Loudon!
Buffy and I will be right back.
Hi, Dick. Gee, I ran out
of the museum so fast,
I didn't get a chance
to congratulate you
on your first On The Town.
Michael, it was a disaster.
Well, not totally.
The moment when the curator
told you to go to Hades town
had really power.
-Michael... -Easy, Dick.
You were right, I was wrong.
You plus Buff equals
"Let's see what's on
the other channels."
But the important
thing is the station and I
still believe in On The Town.
Well, so do I.
But we need a fresh
start with new personnel.
Finally, Dick, total agreement.
And may I say this
guy's impressed
you're not taking your
canning personally.
You're firing me?
Well, you don't expect
me to fire Buffy, do you?
Dick, the audience loves her,
and they're going to
love your replacement.
He's waiting right outside.
He didn't want there
to be any hard feelings.
Come on in, Biff.
Dick, meet Biff Randall.
Hi. You know, it's really super
to put makeup
on in natural light.
You... you wear makeup
when you're not on camera?
Well, not as much.
Biff, show Dick your teeth.
I saw the show,
and I didn't think
you were as horrible
as everyone said.
I really mean that.
Thanks.
Why don't you
wait outside, Biffer.
Okay.
To be honest, he wasn't
even the best audition,
but who could resist On
The Town with Biff and Buff?
Good luck on your
new show, Michael.
And good luck on your new show.
What... what new show?
Well, believe it
or not, the station
had some good
response to you, too,
but our research shows people
wanna see you in something
more intellectual.
You... you mean something
exactly like Vermont Today.
Nail on the head, Dick.
We'll... we'll hammer
out the details later.
Uh, I've gotta go. I
promised Biff an ice cream.
Oh. I have good news.
Vermont Today
is back on the air.
We know, honey.
No. No. You... you... you
couldn't know this one.
Biff wandered into the kitchen.
Hi. We bring glad
tidings in pork form.
Oh, boy. Miss Stephanie's back.
We just kept callin' and finally
she came home. Just like Lassie.
We have a bit of
disturbing news.
When we gave her a hello
hug, we noticed something
that we failed to
closely inspect earlier.
Miss Stephanie's a he.
What?
That's right, and as much as we
love the name "Miss Stephanie",
it could do irreparable damage
to the pig's sexual self-image.
But we've come up
with a name that is still fit
for such a noble hog.
Come on, it's
wallowing time, Dick.
Dick?
Works for me.
Meow.
the time we have.
Thank you, Professor Chatsworth,
for showing us your
insect collection.
I'm sure you'll find your
runaway scorpion, Cecil,
in no time flat.
And we'll see you next
week on Vermont Today.
-And we're clear. -Cecil! Cecil!
Hey, I found him.
He crawled onto a
Danish and got stuck.
So, Dick, what did you
think of today's show?
Thought it was fine until Cecil
decided to make his break.
Was it a good example of
the kind of show you like to do?
A kind of lasting impression
you'd like to leave
with the public?
-I guess so. -Good.
'Cause Vermont
Today's been cancelled.
Cancelled? Why? We have...
we have a small audience,
but they're...
they're... They're loyal.
Correction, Dick. Were loyal.
The competition won them over
with their Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour.
But don't worry.
This shoulder will always
be here for you to cry on.
- Michael. Telephone.
- Excuse me, Dick.
All right, ev...
everyone, you want to...
You want to gather 'round?
I, um...
I have some sad
news that I'd, uh...
I'd like to... to
share with you.
Vermont Today,
the... The show you...
We've all worked so hard on,
uh, has... has been cancelled.
We know that, Dick.
- You... you do?
- Everybody knows.
Well, I... I just wanted...
Wanted to thank you
for the fantastic
job you've done,
and, uh, let you
know that I've...
I've been touched
by your kindness,
your friendship, your loyalty...
Can we go now, Dick? We
have to set up for Pearl's Kitchen.
Your ha... your ha...
Your hard work...
Back, Dick. Now that you're
over your cancellation blues,
let's talk about your
brand-new show.
Well, what... what new show?
Oh, didn't I tell you?
It's called On The Town,
a modern, '80s-type program.
Hip, fast-moving,
pow... Pow... powerful.
Well, it sounds
hor... Hor... horrible.
Well, don't worry, Dick.
It'll still be brainy
like Vermont Today.
Michael...
And you'll be able to move
out of the studio and on location.
Location?
Always wanted to do that.
Okay, Michael. I'd better,
uh... Better tell the crew.
Uh, ev... everyone, you wanna...
You wanna gather 'round?
Again?
You trying to get
us fired, too, Dick?
A... Apparently my announcement
was a little premature.
Uh, Michael tells me that
we'll all be working together
on a new and I think
even better show.
We know.
On The Town, right, Dick?
Right.
Well, that's... that's all the
new information there is.
Right?
Except for who you're gonna
get to be your sexy new co-host.
Mi... Michael, what's
all this about a co-host?
- Where'd you hear that?
- From the crew.
Oh. Then, it must be true.
But don't worry. You...
you get to pick her.
- Is... is that right?
- Yeah, right.
-Yeah. -Uh... huh.
Hi.
I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
And this is our new
quadroped acquaintance.
Ew.
I have never seen anything
in pink look so frightening.
What a great pig.
We was taking a bicycle
tour of local cesspools
when suddenly we
saw these two tiny eyes
staring out at us through
multiple layers of filth.
- That would be hard to resist.
- Yeah.
It just seemed to grunt,
"Take me. Take me."
What do you call it?
Well, that's a large portion
of the reason we're here.
We've decided on Miss Stephanie.
There is a God,
and He does punish.
Stephanie, they named the
pig after you as a compliment.
How are you, Miss Stephanie?
These are very pretty
cloven hooves you have.
Waddle on over
here, Miss Stephanie.
Let's see that
sproinky tail shake.
George!
Uh, I guess I have some
handyman stuff to do.
Hi.
What's with the pig?
Larry, Darryl and
Darryl have named
their new pig after Stephanie.
Works for me.
Everyone, you want to...
you want to gather around?
I have a sort of sad
announcement to make.
After, uh, three
years on the air, uh...
Vermont Today has...
has been cancelled.
We know, honey,
and we're all very sorry.
You... you all knew?
Well, Michael called and told me
and I told George and Stephanie.
Well, how... how did you know?
Anybody with an
eye for the Nielsens
could've seen it coming.
That Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour
was a masterstroke
of counterprogramming.
Well, it's time to
slop Miss Stephanie.
My recurring nightmare
has come true.
My name has been
used in a sentence
containing the word "slop".
Honey, Michael also
mentioned that your new show
would have a
permanent co-hostess.
Now, I made a deal with
myself that I would ask you once,
accept your answer, and
that would be the end of it.
No ifs ands or buts.
No.
We're so very, very happy
you joined us this evening.
Please come back
and visit with us again
real, real, real, real
soon. Right, Dickie?
Y... yeah.
That's it. Nice audition, Buffy.
Oh, you really think so?
I may have put a few
extra words into the script.
I have kind of a
tendency to do that.
Yeah, I really, really,
really didn't notice.
You know, I really enjoyed
doing the weather on Channel 10,
but it would be
so incredibly neat
to get to do deeper stuff.
Well, we'll let you know.
I mean, if I get this
job, it would make me
so amazingly
fantastically excited!
Well, that's... that's
something I'd like to see.
Well, our next possible
femme sidekick is Liz Sable.
Hi.
First, let me say I refuse
to wear a bikini, halter top,
push-up accessories
or any article of clothing
that exposes my body for
cheap, titillating purposes.
Well, uh, you shouldn't
have to worry about that.
Our goal is to do a classy,
informative show about Vermont.
Sure.
Well, start any time.
What are you looking at?
Good evening, everyone,
and welcome to On The Town.
I'm Liz Sable.
And...
I'm Dick... I'm Dick Loudon.
Ah, that... that was very nice.
We'll let... we'll let you know.
If I were a man,
you'd let me finish.
I don't know about you, Dick,
but I feel like checking to see
if I still have all
my equipment.
Next we have Nancy Preston.
Oh.
-Hi. -Hi.
Oh, I'm a big fan
of Vermont Today.
I'm sorry it was cancelled.
Well, thanks. That's
very nice of you.
Do you, uh, have
your copy handy?
Well, actually, I've
memorized my part.
- I hope that's okay.
- Just this once.
-Start anytime. -Thank you.
Good afternoon, and
welcome to On The Town.
- I'm Nancy Preston.
- And I'm Dick Loudon.
We're gonna travel all
over this great state of ours
and see everything, starting
with how they tap trees
to get maple syrup.
-Take it away, Dick. -Wow.
Well, I... I've certainly
heard enough.
Oh. Well, thank you.
I really do hope we
get to work together.
Maybe my Masters
in Vermont History
won't go to waste, after all.
Wow.
So, Dick, what do you,
uh... What do you think?
- There's no contest.
- I couldn't agree more.
So do you wanna
be the one to tell
the guy grinder she
didn't get the job?
Okiedoke, you can open them.
Gee, Mich...
Michael, this is nice.
The station has high
hopes for this show.
No expense was spared.
- Great staircase.
- Oh, don't touch that!
Well, in order to get
the set looking this good,
we kinda had to ignore
the building codes.
It's perfectly safe. Just
remember one simple rule.
Never lean.
Well, I... I think,
despite the danger,
this is gonna be a good show,
and I'm starting to
get excited about...
About working with a co-host.
Hi, Michael! Hi, Dickie!
Oh, this set is so incredibly,
wonderfully neat, isn't it?
Yeah.
What's she doing here?
Good one, Dick.
You have to get
used to this loon.
No, she doesn't...
What's going on?
Dick, Dick, access
those brain cells.
You said it
yourself: no contest.
Host, meet your "co".
Oh, Dickie, it's gonna
be so amazingly terrific
working together.
Look, Buffy, would... would
you excuse us for just a moment?
I... I'm sure you can
keep yourself happy.
Don't lean.
How could you hire her?
Gee, Dick, I thought we agreed.
It's a little lousy of you
to flip-flop on me now.
I didn't flip-flop. I
never wanted her.
I wanted Nancy.
She... She was smart,
she was competent and...
and she loved Vermont history.
Well, no offense,
Dick, but snore, snore.
Trust me, you and
Buff will be boffo.
I hate her!
Well, try and
have fun with that.
She has to go.
Oh, hi, honey.
How'd it go today?
Just... just great.
So is Nancy Preston as good
a co-hostess as you thought?
Well, uh, Michael
didn't exactly hire Nancy.
He hired somebody
named, um, Buffy Denver.
Buffy Denver?
You mean that terminally-happy
weather girl on Channel 10?
That, uh, sounds...
sounds a little like her.
I hate her.
Oh, I do, too.
She's so superficial.
I, uh... I... I tried to fire
her, but I couldn't do it.
It'd be like stomping a smurf.
Hi.
You're lookin' at three
usually happy-go-lucky scamps
who've just hit bottom.
Something wrong?
We have bad news, Miss
Stephanie, you're missin'.
You mean the pig one.
We went out to her
pen, and she was gone.
The bolt was pulled
and the latch released.
Somebody let her out?
We doubt if she'd
have had the dexterity
to do something
like that on her own.
Who could have
done such a thing?
Hey. I know.
Maybe not.
Stephanie, over here.
Yeah.
You let that pig out
of the pen, didn't you?
I was just setting it
free so it could go back
to the forest or sea or
wherever they come from.
Stephanie, pigs don't
live in the forest or the sea.
Then, this one
will be the first.
Excuse me. I hate to
break up a family chat,
but we have some
sow-seekin' to do.
I'll just post this right here.
"Missing: Miss Stephanie,
farm-grown, tiny pin eyes,
approximately 300 pounds.
Will respond to her name
or a pat on the rump."
Larry, is this the
only poster you have?
Yep.
Oops, it ripped.
That's okay. We have a ton
of others slapped all over town.
Oh, my God!
Wait! Let's search
for her together!
You know, I'm really
excited about doing
my first live remote broadcast.
Yeah. Me, too, Dick.
I'd much rather lug
around this portable hernia
than sit on my duff in a nice,
comfortable control booth.
Oh, Dick, look who's here.
It's your history "Buff".
Oh, you, uh, you... you made it.
Places, everyone.
Dick, before we go on,
I just wanna say that,
well, this is your kind of
environment and my first show,
so if you don't mind, I'll just
stay quietly in the background.
I... I think your
instincts are very good.
Well, thank you.
And in three, two...
- Hi, I'm Dick Loudon...
- And I'm Buffy Denver.
And we're coming to you live
from the Vermont
Museum of History.
This is one of my
favorite places,
and I'm thrilled
to be able to share
the reverence and
appreciation that I...
I'm sorry. I always giggle
in museums, don't you?
Not... not really.
We're, uh... we're
standing next to, uh,
one of the museum's
most prized possessions.
A letter dated 1778,
it's signed by Thomas Jefferson.
- The letter concerns...
- Oh, let me see!
I once took a course
in handwriting analysis.
See the way he loops his E's?
That means he was
real shy at parties.
What did he do for a living?
For, uh... for a couple
years, he took a...
A crack at running the country.
That's right. He was president.
Well, it's, uh... Let's
move over here.
This is an authentic general's
map of the Battle of Bennington,
where the brave
colonists fought the British.
Oh, I know where this is!
This area is known
for its high humidity.
Not only were those brave
soldiers battling the redcoats,
but they were also battling
that frizzy hair weather.
I... I think... I think now
would be a good time
to bring in the curator
of the museum,
Mr. Dennis Longfellow.
Hello, Dick. Buffy.
You want me to comment
on that frizzy hair thing?
No, no. That... that's okay.
Um, tell us, Mr. Longfellow,
which exhibit is your favorite?
Well, that would have
to be right over here,
Ethan Allen's diary.
Ooh, this is personal.
Should we really
be looking at this?
I hate when people look at mine.
I'm sure, uh... sure
Ethan Allen wouldn't mind.
Well, then, as long
as we're snooping,
does it mention in
there when he decided
to get into the
furniture business?
Buffy, why... why don't we...
Why don't we just let
Mr. Longfellow talk?
Well, uh, I'm... I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.
I always get hollered
at in museums, too.
Well, it's... it's
all right, Buffy.
Did you have to come down
on her so hard, Mr. Loudon?
She was only trying to
breathe a little life into this place.
I'm, uh... I'm sorry. I...
I wish half the people
who came into this museum
had her enthusiasm
and... And curiosity.
But you had to
crush it, didn't you?
- Well, I... I...
- Go to hell, Mr. Loudon!
Buffy and I will be right back.
Hi, Dick. Gee, I ran out
of the museum so fast,
I didn't get a chance
to congratulate you
on your first On The Town.
Michael, it was a disaster.
Well, not totally.
The moment when the curator
told you to go to Hades town
had really power.
-Michael... -Easy, Dick.
You were right, I was wrong.
You plus Buff equals
"Let's see what's on
the other channels."
But the important
thing is the station and I
still believe in On The Town.
Well, so do I.
But we need a fresh
start with new personnel.
Finally, Dick, total agreement.
And may I say this
guy's impressed
you're not taking your
canning personally.
You're firing me?
Well, you don't expect
me to fire Buffy, do you?
Dick, the audience loves her,
and they're going to
love your replacement.
He's waiting right outside.
He didn't want there
to be any hard feelings.
Come on in, Biff.
Dick, meet Biff Randall.
Hi. You know, it's really super
to put makeup
on in natural light.
You... you wear makeup
when you're not on camera?
Well, not as much.
Biff, show Dick your teeth.
I saw the show,
and I didn't think
you were as horrible
as everyone said.
I really mean that.
Thanks.
Why don't you
wait outside, Biffer.
Okay.
To be honest, he wasn't
even the best audition,
but who could resist On
The Town with Biff and Buff?
Good luck on your
new show, Michael.
And good luck on your new show.
What... what new show?
Well, believe it
or not, the station
had some good
response to you, too,
but our research shows people
wanna see you in something
more intellectual.
You... you mean something
exactly like Vermont Today.
Nail on the head, Dick.
We'll... we'll hammer
out the details later.
Uh, I've gotta go. I
promised Biff an ice cream.
Oh. I have good news.
Vermont Today
is back on the air.
We know, honey.
No. No. You... you... you
couldn't know this one.
Biff wandered into the kitchen.
Hi. We bring glad
tidings in pork form.
Oh, boy. Miss Stephanie's back.
We just kept callin' and finally
she came home. Just like Lassie.
We have a bit of
disturbing news.
When we gave her a hello
hug, we noticed something
that we failed to
closely inspect earlier.
Miss Stephanie's a he.
What?
That's right, and as much as we
love the name "Miss Stephanie",
it could do irreparable damage
to the pig's sexual self-image.
But we've come up
with a name that is still fit
for such a noble hog.
Come on, it's
wallowing time, Dick.
Dick?
Works for me.
Meow.