Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 6 - Locks, Stocks, and Noodlehead - full transcript
Stephanie's father acts strangely when he visits the Stratford during the town's celebration of Colonial Days, while Dick bristles at the foppish costume Joanna makes him wear.
(music playing)
- OOH, WHAT A LOVELY CASTLE.
ARE YOUR PARENTS
TRAVELING IN EUROPE?
- NO, THAT'S OUR SUMMER HOUSE.
EVER SINCE DADDY'S RETIRED,
HE'S TAKE UP PHOTOGRAPHY.
- AH! I WONDERED WHY A POSTCARD
WOULD HAVE A FINGER IN IT.
STEPHANIE!
STEPHANIE, HOLD STILL.
- JOANNA, I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU
MY MEASUREMENTS.
- I'M AFRAID I NEED MORE
TO GO ON THAN "PERFECT."
- WHY DO WE HAVE TO WEAR
STUPID COSTUMES ANYWAY?
- IT'S A TRADITION,
NOW STOP COMPLAINING.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- I ALREADY DO.
DRESSING UP IN A COLONIAL
GOWN MAY EXCITE YOU
BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF
US WHO DON'T NEED GIMMICKS?
- HI, JOANNA, STEPHANIE.
LOOK WHAT I GOT
FOR COLONIAL DAYS.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT, GEORGE!
DOESN'T HE LOOK HANDSOME?
- AS HANDSOME AS
A PERSON CAN LOOK
IN CLOTHING WITH CORNERS.
- WHAT'S... WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, I'VE GOT A FEW
MORE FINISHING TOUCHES
TO PUT ON YOUR COSTUME
FOR COLONIAL DAYS.
- OH NO. IS... IS THIS
WEEKEND COLONIAL DAYS?
- FORSOOTH, LANDHOLDER LOUDON.
- I HAVE TO SPEND THE
WEEKEND FINISHING MY BOOK.
THE DEADLINE IS MONDAY.
- YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE THAT DONE.
- HONEY, THEN YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT ME
THAT MINIATURE BASKETBALL
HOOP FOR MY WASTEPAPER BASKET.
IT'S HARD TO WRITE WITH
THE STANDS CHANTING
"LOUDON! LOUDON! LOUDON!"
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO MISS THE CELEBRATION.
- DICK, YOU CAN'T
MISS COLONIAL DAYS.
- YEAH, DICK.
YOU'LL MISS THE REENACTMENT
OF THE BRITISH SIEGE,
THE PLAGUE OF 1724, AND
THE GREAT INDIAN MASSACRE.
- WELL, I'D LIKE TO
PARTICIPATE, GEORGE,
IF ONLY TO RELIVE
THE GOOD TIMES.
- WELL, THERE'S ALSO A
STRICT TOWN ORDINANCE
THAT SAYS EVERYONE
HAS TO DRESS UP, OR ELSE.
- OR... OR ELSE WHAT?
- YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.
NO ONE'S EVER
DARED RISK IT BEFORE.
- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE CRUEL
AND... AND VAGUE PUNISHMENT.
ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO SPEND
THE WEEKEND IN... IN MY STUDY,
SO I... I'LL HAVE NO REASON
TO WEAR A COSTUME.
- I CAN THINK OF ONE.
- WHAT THAT?
- I SPENT TWO WEEKS MAKING IT.
- OH, THAT IS WONDERFUL!
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- STEPHANIE, YOU LOOK...
- OH, GEORGE, DON'T SAY
I LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN ME.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE IT'LL MEAN I HAVEN'T
ALWAYS LOOKED MY BEST
AND THAT MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE
HAS BEEN A STUPID,
USELESS, POINTLESS WASTE.
- OH.
I'VE SHOVELED STUFF
THAT LOOKED BETTER'N YOU.
- WELL?
(reactions of astonishment)
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- BOY, YOU LOOK A LOT
BETTER THAN STEPHANIE DOES,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
- LET'S NOT OVERDO IT, GEORGE.
WHERE'S DICK?
- STALLING.
I DON'T THINK HE
LIKES HIS COSTUME.
- WHY NOT?
- THAT DOES IT.
- DICK! JUST IGNORE THEM.
THAT IS THE WAY
NOBLEMEN DRESSED.
- THERE'S NOTHING
NOBLE ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
NO WONDER THE INDIANS
MASSACRED THESE PEOPLE.
- DON'T FEEL BAD.
AT LEAST YOU DON'T
LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN YOU'VE EVER
LOOKED IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
- THANK YOU.
- OFFICER SCHIFFLITT,
DON'T YOU LOOK AUTHENTIC?
- YES, MA'AM.
SORRY TO BUST IN LIKE THIS
BUT I NABBED A TRAFFIC VIOLATOR.
CLAIMS TO BE SOMEBODY
HERE'S FATHER.
- MY DAUGHTER WORKS HERE.
- ALLEGED DAUGHTER.
- MR. VANDERKELLEN!
OFFICER SCHIFFLITT, THIS
IS STEPHANIE'S FATHER.
- OKAY, I'VE ID'D HIM.
NAILED HIM FOR TWO COUNTS
OF DRIVING AGAINST A PARADE.
IT WAS AWFUL. BATONS EVERYWHERE.
- I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.
- HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
- I ALWAYS HAVE
THE RIGHT OF WAY.
- NOT IN MY TOWN.
- MR. VANDERKELLEN,
I'M... I'M DICK LOUDON.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- (clears throat)
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
- A NOBLEMAN.
- I GUESS WHILE SOME PEOPLE
WERE CARVIN' OUT THE WILDERNESS,
SOMEBODY HAD TO STAY
HOME AND DANCE BACKWARDS.
- DADDY!
- PRINCESS!
- DADDY!
HAVE YOU MET DICK AND JOANNA,
THE PEOPLE WHO
MAKE ME CLEAN TOILETS?
- OH, YES.
- AND I'M GEORGE UTLEY, THE
MAN THEY MAKE FIX TOILETS.
- CHARMED.
- DADDY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- I CAME TO VISIT
YOU, SWEETHEART.
- NO, SERIOUSLY.
- STEPHANIE, I KNOW WE'VE HAD
OUR DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST,
BUT NOW THAT I'M RETIRED,
I'M DETERMINED TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
- WHERE'S MUMMY?
- I LEFT HER IN NEWPORT.
SHE'S ON SEVERAL
FUNDRAISING COMMITTEES
AND HER PRESENCE WAS NEEDED,
WHAT WITH THIS "SAVE
THE $1000 BILL" CRISIS.
- I... I GUESS THERE'S...
THERE'S NO POINT IN
CONTRIBUTING MONEY.
- SO, HOW LONG
WILL YOU BE IN TOWN?
- AS LONG AS MY
DAUGHTER CAN STAND ME.
- COME ON. I'LL MAKE
UP A ROOM FOR YOU
IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO WATCH.
- STEPHANIE, THE
ROOMS ARE ALL FULL.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHO CAN WE KICK OUT?
- OH, STEPHANIE,
I REALLY THINK I SHOULD
TAKE A ROOM ELSEWHERE.
- I'M AFRAID EVERY ROOM IN TOWN
IS BOOKED FOR "COLONIAL DAYS."
IT'S A MADHOUSE.
I COULD EVEN BE LOOKIN'
AT SOME MOB CONTROL.
- WELL, I'VE GOT A NICE,
BIG ROOM OVER THE GARAGE.
IF YOU WANT, WE
CAN SET UP A COT.
- GEORGE, I HARDLY THINK...
- OH, NO. THAT WOULD BE FINE.
LEAD THE WAY, GEORGE.
- SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY
WRONG WITH DADDY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? HE... HE SEEMED FINE.
- FINE?
DICK, MY FATHER JUST AGREED
TO SHARE A ROOM WITH GEORGE
OVER A GARAGE
AND SLEEP ON A COT.
- OH, RIGHT.
THREE EARLY WARNING SIGNS.
- LOOK, DEAR, AN ANTIQUE BROOM!
EVERYTHING HERE
IS STILL AUTHENTIC.
(vacuuming)
- STEPHANIE! YOU KNOW THE RULES.
EVERYTHING IS SUPPOSED
TO BE DONE THE WAY
IT WAS IN THE OLD DAYS.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR.
EVEN THE FLINTSTONES
HAD A VACUUM.
- JOANNA, I... I
CAN'T WORK IN THIS.
NOW I'VE LOST MY
BLUE EDITING PENCIL.
- BUT DICK, YOU CAN'T BLAME
THAT ON YOUR COSTUME.
- YES I CAN.
I TRIED TO STICK IT
BEHIND MY EAR AND...
AND MY WIG ATE IT.
- WELL, COME ON IN AND
SIT DOWN. I'LL LOOK FOR IT.
- WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE,
LOOK FOR CHAPTER 3.
- HI, I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS OUR FRIEND ART.
- DADDY!
- PRINCESS!
- OH, YOU TWO ARE RELATED?
THERE'S ANOTHER FAUX
PAS FOR THE RECORD.
- GUESS WHAT, KITTEN.
I WAS STROLLING
THROUGH THE WOODS
AND I CAME ACROSS
THESE THREE CHAPS
DRESSED AS COLORFUL
18TH CENTURY WOODSMEN.
- YOU LOOK KIND OF SARTORIALLY
RESPLENDENT YOURSELF, ART.
- LOOK, THEY'RE TEACHING
ME HOW TO WHITTLE.
IT'S ENORMOUSLY RELAXING,
AND PRACTICAL TOO.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A
GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
- WELL, WE GOTTA GO.
ART, WE WANNA THANK
YOU FOR THAT TIP
ON THE DEFERRED
INVESTMENT CREDIT.
- OKAY, DADDY, WHY ARE
YOU ACTING SO NUTS-O?
- CAN'T A FELLOW KEEP BUSY
WITHOUT HAVING HIS
SANITY QUESTIONED?
HERE, STOP WORRYING AND
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING.
OH, IT'S LATE.
GEORGE PROMISED TO TEACH
ME HOW TO CHOP FIREWOOD.
I HOPE I DON'T GET MY
GRANDFATHER CLOCK
MIXED UP WITH THE KINDLING.
- JUST REMEMBER NOT TO PUT
YOUR PENCIL BEHIND YOUR EAR.
- OH MY GOD!
- WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?
- LOOK AT WHAT MY
FATHER JUST GAVE ME.
- A HUNDRED DOLLARS!
- IT ALL MAKES SENSE
NOW. DADDY'S NOT RETIRED.
HE'S BROKE.
- AND HE'S OBVIOUSLY
TRYING TO COVER
BY GIVING AWAY
HUGE SUMS OF MONEY.
- DICK, HE USED TO GIVE ME
MORE THAN THIS TO BUY GUM.
- STEPHANIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU MIGHT BE JUMPING
TO CONCLUSIONS?
- WELL, WHAT CONCLUSION
WOULD YOU JUMP TO
IF YOUR FATHER
COULDN'T AFFORD GUM?
DADDY!
DADDY, STOP PLAYING PAUL
BUNYAN AND GET IN HERE.
- YOU REALLY MUSTN'T
YELL AT A PERSON
WHEN HE'S SWINGING AN AXE.
- DADDY, DON'T TRY TO DENY
THAT SOMETHING'S WRONG
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- YOU DO?
- YES, AND WE'LL SURVIVE.
YOU CAN LIQUIDATE AND
MUMMY IS ALWAYS FINDING
LOOSE BULLION IN THE SOFA.
- SWEETHEART, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OUR BEING POOR.
- WE'RE NOT POOR.
- WE'RE NOT?
YOU MEAN, YOUR
FORTUNE, PARENTHESES,
MY INHERITANCE, CLOSE
PARENTHESES, IS SAFE?
- OF COURSE. IT'S
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST, WELL, I'VE
LEFT YOUR MOTHER.
IT WAS UNAVOIDABLE.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAD A TERRIBLE ROW.
- AND YOU LEFT HER?
- NO, I LEFT THE
SCREAMING FISHWIFE
THAT HAD TAKEN
POSSESSION OF HER BODY.
- THIS... THIS IS KIND OF
BORDERING ON THE PERSONAL.
- MAYBE DICK AND I SHOULD...
- NO, I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
WHAT A MANIACAL SHREW I MARRIED.
- WELL, SINCE...
SINCE YOU'RE BACKING
OFF THE PERSONAL STUFF.
- DADDY, THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE MUMMY AT ALL.
- THE WOMAN THREW
WEDGEWOOD AT ME.
- NO!
- FORTUNATELY I DUCKED,
BUT SHE HIT THE PICASSO.
- FIGHTS AT... AT
YOUR HOUSE CAN...
CAN REALLY ADD UP.
- DADDY, WHAT STARTED ALL THIS?
- WHO KNOWS?
ONE MINUTE SHE WAS
PLAYING BRIDGE WITH HER CLUB,
THE NEXT SHE WAS USING
LANGUAGE THAT, WELL,
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED TO
LEARN THAT THERE WAS SAILOR BLOOD
ON YOUR MOTHER'S
SIDE OF THE FAMILY.
- BUT YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
OUT ON 38 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
- OH REALLY? JUST WATCH MY DUST.
- DADDY!
- DID YOU EVER GET YOUR FATHER
TO HOLD STILL LONG ENOUGH
TO TALK TO HIM LAST NIGHT?
- NO, SO I TELEPHONED MUMMY
AND TRIED TO TALK HER
INTO DRIVING UP HERE
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN.
I EVEN POUTED,
BUT IT LOSES SOMETHING
OVER THE PHONE.
- OH, MORNING, HONEY.
DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
- NO, I WAS TOO EXCITED
ABOUT GETTING TO...
TO WEAR THIS AGAIN.
- DICK, IT'S THE LAST
DAY OF THE CELEBRATION.
TOMORROW YOU CAN
PUT ON YOUR OLD CLOTHES.
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONCE
YOU'VE WORN LAVENDER SATIN,
IT'S HARD TO GO BACK.
- HELLO.
- MUMMY! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T COMING UP.
- WELL, I JUST COULDN'T FORGET
WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I
HAD MEANT TO EACH OTHER.
BESIDES, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WITH THE WAY YOU
POUTED ON THE PHONE?
- MUMMY, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET DICK AND JOANNA,
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME CLEAN
THE GLOP OUT OF
DRAINS WITH MY HAND.
- STEPHANIE'S TOLD
ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
- WELL, I HOPE DRAIN GLOP
WASN'T THE HIGH POINT.
(laughing)
- THANKS, GEORGE. I
NEVER CHANGED OIL BEFORE.
IT'S EVER SO MUCH MORE FUN
THAN SHIPPING IT IN FROM KUWAIT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I CAME HERE TO TALK TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME, MARIAN.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DISCUSS,
ESPECIALLY AFTER
YOU CALLED ME...
THAT NAME.
- WHAT NAME?
- THE ONE THAT JUMPED RIGHT OUT
OF THE GUTTER INTO YOUR MOUTH.
- "NOODLEHEAD"?
- THEN "N" WORD AGAIN!
NOW YOU ALL HEARD IT.
- WELL, OF COURSE
I CALLED YOU THAT.
YOU MOONED MY BRIDGE CLUB.
- DADDY!
- I'M GOING TO MY STUDY.
- I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
- GARAGE!
- THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I'M THE ONE WHO'LL BE LEAVING.
- NOODLEHEAD!
NOODLEHEAD!
NOODLEHEAD!
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
SAILOR BLOOD!
IS MY WIFE AROUND?
- DO YOU WANT ME TO GET HER?
- NO, NO, NO!
- MR. VANDERKELLEN,
YOU'RE NOT REALLY LEAVING?
- YES, I AM.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL YOUR HUSBAND
THAT I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN
UNDER LESS BIZARRE
CIRCUMSTANCES?
- NOW THERE'S NOTHING BIZARRE
ABOUT A DOMESTIC SQUABBLE.
- I WAS TALKING
ABOUT HIS CLOTHES.
- THERE HE IS, OFFICER.
- SORRY, SIR,
YOU'RE IN VIOLATION
OF ARTICLE III, PARAGRAPH 2
OF THE COLONIAL DAYS
CELEBRATION BYLAWS.
- NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- THE RULE SAYS
THAT ALL RESIDENTS
MUST DRESS UP IN
COLONIAL COSTUMES.
I DON'T THINK THE MINUTEMEN
WORE ITALIAN SHOES.
- I'M NOT A RESIDENT.
- PAYING TO STAY HERE?
- WELL, NO.
- AND DIDN'T I HEAR YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE
STAYING INDEFINITELY?
- WELL, YES.
- YOU'RE A RESIDENT.
- YOU PUT HIM UP TO THIS.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
HOW OFTEN I SAID
THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
KNOW HOW TO DRESS PROPERLY
SHOULD BE TAKEN OFF THE STREETS.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- DICK, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR COSTUME?
- JOANNA, I'M SORRY.
I... I WASN'T GETTING
ANY WORK DONE.
I KEPT ROLLING MY LACE
CUFFS INTO MY TYPEWRITER.
- WHOA, LOOK WHAT GOT
CAUGHT IN THE DRAGNET.
- WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT... WHAT IS THIS?
- TAKING YOU IN FOR
NON-COMPLIANCE
WITH THE DRESS CODE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE FUN
WE CALL "COLONIAL DAYS."
- BUT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- WE COULD SUE YOU FOR THIS.
- GO AHEAD. MAKETH MY DAY.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON.
IT'S GOING TO BE
A LITTLE CROWDED.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND SITTIN'
IN THE BACK, MR. LOUDON.
- THERE'S NO WAY I'M
GETTING ON THAT HORSE.
- I DEMAND TO CALL MY ATTORNEY.
- SORRY, THE TELEPHONE
WON'T BE INVENTED
FOR ANOTHER HUNDRED YEARS.
CHEER UP, GENTLEMEN.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S ALL
PART OF THE FUN.
- LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.
THIS IS WHERE I WANNA BE.
- TIME TO MAKE MY ROUNDS.
I'LL STOP BY LATER AND
SCARE THE PIGEONS OFF YOU.
- STEPHANIE, WHAT
IS SO IMPORTANT
THAT YOU HAD TO DRAG
ME DOWN HERE LIKE THIS?
- WELL, YOU SAID THAT YOU
WISHED DADDY WOULD HOLD STILL
LONG ENOUGH TO TALK TO HIM.
- WELL, WELL.
HE COULDN'T GET MUCH
STILLER THAN THAT.
- HI, DADDY.
HI, DICK.
I'M SORRY YOU GOT
DRAGGED INTO THIS,
AND YOU WERE WORKING
ON YOUR BOOK, TOO.
- HEY, IT... IT REALLY ISN'T
THAT MUCH OF A DESTRUCTION.
- ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR,
NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU
WHERE I WANT YOU,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
- DADDY, YOU'RE IN NO
POSITION TO BE STUBBORN.
WE CAN MAKE YOU TALK.
- NOBODY CAN MAKE
ME DO ANYTHING.
- YOU'RE A PROUD MAN,
AREN'T YOU DADDY?
THAT'S WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS LOVED ABOUT YOU.
YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOUR PRIDE,
YOUR DIGNITY, AND
YOUR SAVOIR FAIRE.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. I'LL TALK.
JUST TAKE THEM OFF.
- WHY DID YOU HUMILIATE ME
IN FRONT OF MY BRIDGE CLUB?
- BECAUSE YOUR
BRIDGE CLUB IS STUPID.
- YOU THINK THE
DEMOCRATS ARE STUPID
BUT YOU NEVER MOON THEM.
- I WAS TEMPTED IN '72.
BUT, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO BUSY
WITH YOUR CLUBS AND CHARITIES
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D EVEN NOTICE.
- NOTICE? WE ALL NOTICED.
MRS. HODGKINS BUTTERED
AND ATE THE THREE OF HEARTS.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- MAYBE THIS IS
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT I THINK WHAT YOUR
HUSBAND IS TRYING TO SAY
THAT WITH YOU BUSY ALL THE TIME,
MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING
AS MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM LATELY.
WHEN... WHEN YOU'RE
IN STIR WITH A GUY,
YOU... YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.
- ARTHUR, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BUSY
WITH MY CLUBS AND CHARITIES.
I HAD TO BE.
YOU WERE ALWAYS
OFF EARNING GOBS.
- NOW I'M RETIRED.
THEY TOOK MY NAME OFF THE DOOR
AND PUT ON A PLAQUE WITH
A BUNCH OF DEAD PEOPLE.
- ARTHUR, YOU'RE NOT
MAKING ANY SENSE.
- I THINK WHAT HE'S
TRYING TO SAY IS
HE FEELS LIKE HE'S USELESS.
- DO YOU MIND? THIS IS A
PERSONAL CONVERSATION.
- I'M SORRY.
I'LL, UH, I'LL MOVE OVER
THERE OUT OF EARSHOT.
Stephanie: WAIT, MUMMY.
USUALLY WHEN DICK
TALKS, I DON'T LISTEN EITHER,
BUT THIS TIME HE MIGHT
BE ONTO SOMETHING.
- ARTHUR?
ARE YOU FEELING USELESS?
- HOW SHOULD I FEEL?
THE BUSINESS IS FINE WITHOUT
ME, THE CHILDREN ARE GONE,
MY WIFE DOESN'T NEED ME.
I'M NOTHING.
I FEEL LIKE MOONING THE WORLD.
- OH, I HAD NO IDEA
YOU FELT THIS WAY.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO
STRONG AND CONFIDENT.
- I KNOW.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
NOT LIKE "THIS," LIKE THIS.
- BUT, ARTHUR, I
LOVE YOU LIKE THIS.
I LOVE YOU ANY WAY YOU ARE.
- SWEETHEART, I LOVE YOU TOO.
Dick: POSSIBLY
THIS IS A BAD TIME,
BUT COULD... COULD
SOMEONE SCRATCH MY NOSE?
- HERE.
MUMMY, COULDN'T YOU DROP
ONE OR TWO OF YOUR ACTIVITIES
TO MAKE TIME FOR DADDY?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE SO.
IT'S A SURE BET THE BRIDGE
CLUB ISN'T COMING BACK.
- AND DADDY, COULDN'T YOU
GO BACK TO WORK PART-TIME?
- WELL, SOME PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN TRYING TO ENTICE ME
INTO HELPING THEM OUT
OF THEIR FINANCIAL CRISIS.
- WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL, DADDY.
WHO?
- THE ENGLISH.
- WHAT A PAIR OF
NOODLEHEADS WE'VE BEEN.
- FRIENDS AGAIN?
- YES, WE ARE.
- THEN CONSIDER
YOURSELF ON PAROLE.
- AH!
- NOW, DON'T SHOW YOUR
MUGS AROUND HERE AGAIN
UNLESS THEY'RE IN LOVE.
- I'M THIRSTY.
LET'S GO AND BUY
THE LEMONADE STAND.
- AN UNFRIENDLY TAKEOVER.
MY ARTHUR IS BACK.
- NOW THAT EVERYBODY
IS FRIENDS AGAIN,
WOULD YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE
SO I CAN GIVE MY
NOSE A REAL SCRATCH?
- SORRY. HIS ARREST WAS A SETUP.
YOURS WAS RIGHTEOUS BUST.
YOU GOT ANOTHER HOUR.
- WHAT?
- NONE OF THAT.
PART OF THE PUNISHMENT.
- FOLKS... FOLKS, COULD
SOMEONE SCRATCH MY NOSE?
IT'S... IT'S WORTH MONEY!
FIVE... FIVE DOLLARS
TO SCRATCH MY NOSE.
ANY... ANYBODY?
FIVE DOLLARS TO SCRATCH MY NOSE!
(music playing)
(meow)
(music fading out)
- OOH, WHAT A LOVELY CASTLE.
ARE YOUR PARENTS
TRAVELING IN EUROPE?
- NO, THAT'S OUR SUMMER HOUSE.
EVER SINCE DADDY'S RETIRED,
HE'S TAKE UP PHOTOGRAPHY.
- AH! I WONDERED WHY A POSTCARD
WOULD HAVE A FINGER IN IT.
STEPHANIE!
STEPHANIE, HOLD STILL.
- JOANNA, I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU
MY MEASUREMENTS.
- I'M AFRAID I NEED MORE
TO GO ON THAN "PERFECT."
- WHY DO WE HAVE TO WEAR
STUPID COSTUMES ANYWAY?
- IT'S A TRADITION,
NOW STOP COMPLAINING.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- I ALREADY DO.
DRESSING UP IN A COLONIAL
GOWN MAY EXCITE YOU
BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF
US WHO DON'T NEED GIMMICKS?
- HI, JOANNA, STEPHANIE.
LOOK WHAT I GOT
FOR COLONIAL DAYS.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT, GEORGE!
DOESN'T HE LOOK HANDSOME?
- AS HANDSOME AS
A PERSON CAN LOOK
IN CLOTHING WITH CORNERS.
- WHAT'S... WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, I'VE GOT A FEW
MORE FINISHING TOUCHES
TO PUT ON YOUR COSTUME
FOR COLONIAL DAYS.
- OH NO. IS... IS THIS
WEEKEND COLONIAL DAYS?
- FORSOOTH, LANDHOLDER LOUDON.
- I HAVE TO SPEND THE
WEEKEND FINISHING MY BOOK.
THE DEADLINE IS MONDAY.
- YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE THAT DONE.
- HONEY, THEN YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT ME
THAT MINIATURE BASKETBALL
HOOP FOR MY WASTEPAPER BASKET.
IT'S HARD TO WRITE WITH
THE STANDS CHANTING
"LOUDON! LOUDON! LOUDON!"
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO MISS THE CELEBRATION.
- DICK, YOU CAN'T
MISS COLONIAL DAYS.
- YEAH, DICK.
YOU'LL MISS THE REENACTMENT
OF THE BRITISH SIEGE,
THE PLAGUE OF 1724, AND
THE GREAT INDIAN MASSACRE.
- WELL, I'D LIKE TO
PARTICIPATE, GEORGE,
IF ONLY TO RELIVE
THE GOOD TIMES.
- WELL, THERE'S ALSO A
STRICT TOWN ORDINANCE
THAT SAYS EVERYONE
HAS TO DRESS UP, OR ELSE.
- OR... OR ELSE WHAT?
- YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.
NO ONE'S EVER
DARED RISK IT BEFORE.
- WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE CRUEL
AND... AND VAGUE PUNISHMENT.
ANYWAY, I'M GOING TO SPEND
THE WEEKEND IN... IN MY STUDY,
SO I... I'LL HAVE NO REASON
TO WEAR A COSTUME.
- I CAN THINK OF ONE.
- WHAT THAT?
- I SPENT TWO WEEKS MAKING IT.
- OH, THAT IS WONDERFUL!
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- STEPHANIE, YOU LOOK...
- OH, GEORGE, DON'T SAY
I LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN YOU'VE EVER SEEN ME.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE IT'LL MEAN I HAVEN'T
ALWAYS LOOKED MY BEST
AND THAT MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE
HAS BEEN A STUPID,
USELESS, POINTLESS WASTE.
- OH.
I'VE SHOVELED STUFF
THAT LOOKED BETTER'N YOU.
- WELL?
(reactions of astonishment)
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- BOY, YOU LOOK A LOT
BETTER THAN STEPHANIE DOES,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
- LET'S NOT OVERDO IT, GEORGE.
WHERE'S DICK?
- STALLING.
I DON'T THINK HE
LIKES HIS COSTUME.
- WHY NOT?
- THAT DOES IT.
- DICK! JUST IGNORE THEM.
THAT IS THE WAY
NOBLEMEN DRESSED.
- THERE'S NOTHING
NOBLE ABOUT THIS.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
NO WONDER THE INDIANS
MASSACRED THESE PEOPLE.
- DON'T FEEL BAD.
AT LEAST YOU DON'T
LOOK MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN YOU'VE EVER
LOOKED IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
- THANK YOU.
- OFFICER SCHIFFLITT,
DON'T YOU LOOK AUTHENTIC?
- YES, MA'AM.
SORRY TO BUST IN LIKE THIS
BUT I NABBED A TRAFFIC VIOLATOR.
CLAIMS TO BE SOMEBODY
HERE'S FATHER.
- MY DAUGHTER WORKS HERE.
- ALLEGED DAUGHTER.
- MR. VANDERKELLEN!
OFFICER SCHIFFLITT, THIS
IS STEPHANIE'S FATHER.
- OKAY, I'VE ID'D HIM.
NAILED HIM FOR TWO COUNTS
OF DRIVING AGAINST A PARADE.
IT WAS AWFUL. BATONS EVERYWHERE.
- I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.
- HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
- I ALWAYS HAVE
THE RIGHT OF WAY.
- NOT IN MY TOWN.
- MR. VANDERKELLEN,
I'M... I'M DICK LOUDON.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- (clears throat)
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
- A NOBLEMAN.
- I GUESS WHILE SOME PEOPLE
WERE CARVIN' OUT THE WILDERNESS,
SOMEBODY HAD TO STAY
HOME AND DANCE BACKWARDS.
- DADDY!
- PRINCESS!
- DADDY!
HAVE YOU MET DICK AND JOANNA,
THE PEOPLE WHO
MAKE ME CLEAN TOILETS?
- OH, YES.
- AND I'M GEORGE UTLEY, THE
MAN THEY MAKE FIX TOILETS.
- CHARMED.
- DADDY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- I CAME TO VISIT
YOU, SWEETHEART.
- NO, SERIOUSLY.
- STEPHANIE, I KNOW WE'VE HAD
OUR DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST,
BUT NOW THAT I'M RETIRED,
I'M DETERMINED TO SPEND
MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
- WHERE'S MUMMY?
- I LEFT HER IN NEWPORT.
SHE'S ON SEVERAL
FUNDRAISING COMMITTEES
AND HER PRESENCE WAS NEEDED,
WHAT WITH THIS "SAVE
THE $1000 BILL" CRISIS.
- I... I GUESS THERE'S...
THERE'S NO POINT IN
CONTRIBUTING MONEY.
- SO, HOW LONG
WILL YOU BE IN TOWN?
- AS LONG AS MY
DAUGHTER CAN STAND ME.
- COME ON. I'LL MAKE
UP A ROOM FOR YOU
IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO WATCH.
- STEPHANIE, THE
ROOMS ARE ALL FULL.
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHO CAN WE KICK OUT?
- OH, STEPHANIE,
I REALLY THINK I SHOULD
TAKE A ROOM ELSEWHERE.
- I'M AFRAID EVERY ROOM IN TOWN
IS BOOKED FOR "COLONIAL DAYS."
IT'S A MADHOUSE.
I COULD EVEN BE LOOKIN'
AT SOME MOB CONTROL.
- WELL, I'VE GOT A NICE,
BIG ROOM OVER THE GARAGE.
IF YOU WANT, WE
CAN SET UP A COT.
- GEORGE, I HARDLY THINK...
- OH, NO. THAT WOULD BE FINE.
LEAD THE WAY, GEORGE.
- SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY
WRONG WITH DADDY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? HE... HE SEEMED FINE.
- FINE?
DICK, MY FATHER JUST AGREED
TO SHARE A ROOM WITH GEORGE
OVER A GARAGE
AND SLEEP ON A COT.
- OH, RIGHT.
THREE EARLY WARNING SIGNS.
- LOOK, DEAR, AN ANTIQUE BROOM!
EVERYTHING HERE
IS STILL AUTHENTIC.
(vacuuming)
- STEPHANIE! YOU KNOW THE RULES.
EVERYTHING IS SUPPOSED
TO BE DONE THE WAY
IT WAS IN THE OLD DAYS.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR.
EVEN THE FLINTSTONES
HAD A VACUUM.
- JOANNA, I... I
CAN'T WORK IN THIS.
NOW I'VE LOST MY
BLUE EDITING PENCIL.
- BUT DICK, YOU CAN'T BLAME
THAT ON YOUR COSTUME.
- YES I CAN.
I TRIED TO STICK IT
BEHIND MY EAR AND...
AND MY WIG ATE IT.
- WELL, COME ON IN AND
SIT DOWN. I'LL LOOK FOR IT.
- WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE,
LOOK FOR CHAPTER 3.
- HI, I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS OUR FRIEND ART.
- DADDY!
- PRINCESS!
- OH, YOU TWO ARE RELATED?
THERE'S ANOTHER FAUX
PAS FOR THE RECORD.
- GUESS WHAT, KITTEN.
I WAS STROLLING
THROUGH THE WOODS
AND I CAME ACROSS
THESE THREE CHAPS
DRESSED AS COLORFUL
18TH CENTURY WOODSMEN.
- YOU LOOK KIND OF SARTORIALLY
RESPLENDENT YOURSELF, ART.
- LOOK, THEY'RE TEACHING
ME HOW TO WHITTLE.
IT'S ENORMOUSLY RELAXING,
AND PRACTICAL TOO.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A
GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
- WELL, WE GOTTA GO.
ART, WE WANNA THANK
YOU FOR THAT TIP
ON THE DEFERRED
INVESTMENT CREDIT.
- OKAY, DADDY, WHY ARE
YOU ACTING SO NUTS-O?
- CAN'T A FELLOW KEEP BUSY
WITHOUT HAVING HIS
SANITY QUESTIONED?
HERE, STOP WORRYING AND
BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING.
OH, IT'S LATE.
GEORGE PROMISED TO TEACH
ME HOW TO CHOP FIREWOOD.
I HOPE I DON'T GET MY
GRANDFATHER CLOCK
MIXED UP WITH THE KINDLING.
- JUST REMEMBER NOT TO PUT
YOUR PENCIL BEHIND YOUR EAR.
- OH MY GOD!
- WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?
- LOOK AT WHAT MY
FATHER JUST GAVE ME.
- A HUNDRED DOLLARS!
- IT ALL MAKES SENSE
NOW. DADDY'S NOT RETIRED.
HE'S BROKE.
- AND HE'S OBVIOUSLY
TRYING TO COVER
BY GIVING AWAY
HUGE SUMS OF MONEY.
- DICK, HE USED TO GIVE ME
MORE THAN THIS TO BUY GUM.
- STEPHANIE, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU MIGHT BE JUMPING
TO CONCLUSIONS?
- WELL, WHAT CONCLUSION
WOULD YOU JUMP TO
IF YOUR FATHER
COULDN'T AFFORD GUM?
DADDY!
DADDY, STOP PLAYING PAUL
BUNYAN AND GET IN HERE.
- YOU REALLY MUSTN'T
YELL AT A PERSON
WHEN HE'S SWINGING AN AXE.
- DADDY, DON'T TRY TO DENY
THAT SOMETHING'S WRONG
BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- YOU DO?
- YES, AND WE'LL SURVIVE.
YOU CAN LIQUIDATE AND
MUMMY IS ALWAYS FINDING
LOOSE BULLION IN THE SOFA.
- SWEETHEART, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OUR BEING POOR.
- WE'RE NOT POOR.
- WE'RE NOT?
YOU MEAN, YOUR
FORTUNE, PARENTHESES,
MY INHERITANCE, CLOSE
PARENTHESES, IS SAFE?
- OF COURSE. IT'S
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST, WELL, I'VE
LEFT YOUR MOTHER.
IT WAS UNAVOIDABLE.
YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAD A TERRIBLE ROW.
- AND YOU LEFT HER?
- NO, I LEFT THE
SCREAMING FISHWIFE
THAT HAD TAKEN
POSSESSION OF HER BODY.
- THIS... THIS IS KIND OF
BORDERING ON THE PERSONAL.
- MAYBE DICK AND I SHOULD...
- NO, I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
WHAT A MANIACAL SHREW I MARRIED.
- WELL, SINCE...
SINCE YOU'RE BACKING
OFF THE PERSONAL STUFF.
- DADDY, THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE MUMMY AT ALL.
- THE WOMAN THREW
WEDGEWOOD AT ME.
- NO!
- FORTUNATELY I DUCKED,
BUT SHE HIT THE PICASSO.
- FIGHTS AT... AT
YOUR HOUSE CAN...
CAN REALLY ADD UP.
- DADDY, WHAT STARTED ALL THIS?
- WHO KNOWS?
ONE MINUTE SHE WAS
PLAYING BRIDGE WITH HER CLUB,
THE NEXT SHE WAS USING
LANGUAGE THAT, WELL,
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED TO
LEARN THAT THERE WAS SAILOR BLOOD
ON YOUR MOTHER'S
SIDE OF THE FAMILY.
- BUT YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
OUT ON 38 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
- OH REALLY? JUST WATCH MY DUST.
- DADDY!
- DID YOU EVER GET YOUR FATHER
TO HOLD STILL LONG ENOUGH
TO TALK TO HIM LAST NIGHT?
- NO, SO I TELEPHONED MUMMY
AND TRIED TO TALK HER
INTO DRIVING UP HERE
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN.
I EVEN POUTED,
BUT IT LOSES SOMETHING
OVER THE PHONE.
- OH, MORNING, HONEY.
DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
- NO, I WAS TOO EXCITED
ABOUT GETTING TO...
TO WEAR THIS AGAIN.
- DICK, IT'S THE LAST
DAY OF THE CELEBRATION.
TOMORROW YOU CAN
PUT ON YOUR OLD CLOTHES.
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONCE
YOU'VE WORN LAVENDER SATIN,
IT'S HARD TO GO BACK.
- HELLO.
- MUMMY! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T COMING UP.
- WELL, I JUST COULDN'T FORGET
WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I
HAD MEANT TO EACH OTHER.
BESIDES, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WITH THE WAY YOU
POUTED ON THE PHONE?
- MUMMY, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET DICK AND JOANNA,
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME CLEAN
THE GLOP OUT OF
DRAINS WITH MY HAND.
- STEPHANIE'S TOLD
ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
- WELL, I HOPE DRAIN GLOP
WASN'T THE HIGH POINT.
(laughing)
- THANKS, GEORGE. I
NEVER CHANGED OIL BEFORE.
IT'S EVER SO MUCH MORE FUN
THAN SHIPPING IT IN FROM KUWAIT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I CAME HERE TO TALK TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WASTING
YOUR TIME, MARIAN.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DISCUSS,
ESPECIALLY AFTER
YOU CALLED ME...
THAT NAME.
- WHAT NAME?
- THE ONE THAT JUMPED RIGHT OUT
OF THE GUTTER INTO YOUR MOUTH.
- "NOODLEHEAD"?
- THEN "N" WORD AGAIN!
NOW YOU ALL HEARD IT.
- WELL, OF COURSE
I CALLED YOU THAT.
YOU MOONED MY BRIDGE CLUB.
- DADDY!
- I'M GOING TO MY STUDY.
- I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
- GARAGE!
- THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I'M THE ONE WHO'LL BE LEAVING.
- NOODLEHEAD!
NOODLEHEAD!
NOODLEHEAD!
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
SAILOR BLOOD!
IS MY WIFE AROUND?
- DO YOU WANT ME TO GET HER?
- NO, NO, NO!
- MR. VANDERKELLEN,
YOU'RE NOT REALLY LEAVING?
- YES, I AM.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL YOUR HUSBAND
THAT I HOPE WE MEET AGAIN
UNDER LESS BIZARRE
CIRCUMSTANCES?
- NOW THERE'S NOTHING BIZARRE
ABOUT A DOMESTIC SQUABBLE.
- I WAS TALKING
ABOUT HIS CLOTHES.
- THERE HE IS, OFFICER.
- SORRY, SIR,
YOU'RE IN VIOLATION
OF ARTICLE III, PARAGRAPH 2
OF THE COLONIAL DAYS
CELEBRATION BYLAWS.
- NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- THE RULE SAYS
THAT ALL RESIDENTS
MUST DRESS UP IN
COLONIAL COSTUMES.
I DON'T THINK THE MINUTEMEN
WORE ITALIAN SHOES.
- I'M NOT A RESIDENT.
- PAYING TO STAY HERE?
- WELL, NO.
- AND DIDN'T I HEAR YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE
STAYING INDEFINITELY?
- WELL, YES.
- YOU'RE A RESIDENT.
- YOU PUT HIM UP TO THIS.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
HOW OFTEN I SAID
THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
KNOW HOW TO DRESS PROPERLY
SHOULD BE TAKEN OFF THE STREETS.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- DICK, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR COSTUME?
- JOANNA, I'M SORRY.
I... I WASN'T GETTING
ANY WORK DONE.
I KEPT ROLLING MY LACE
CUFFS INTO MY TYPEWRITER.
- WHOA, LOOK WHAT GOT
CAUGHT IN THE DRAGNET.
- WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT... WHAT IS THIS?
- TAKING YOU IN FOR
NON-COMPLIANCE
WITH THE DRESS CODE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE FUN
WE CALL "COLONIAL DAYS."
- BUT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
- WE COULD SUE YOU FOR THIS.
- GO AHEAD. MAKETH MY DAY.
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON.
IT'S GOING TO BE
A LITTLE CROWDED.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND SITTIN'
IN THE BACK, MR. LOUDON.
- THERE'S NO WAY I'M
GETTING ON THAT HORSE.
- I DEMAND TO CALL MY ATTORNEY.
- SORRY, THE TELEPHONE
WON'T BE INVENTED
FOR ANOTHER HUNDRED YEARS.
CHEER UP, GENTLEMEN.
LIKE I SAID, IT'S ALL
PART OF THE FUN.
- LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.
THIS IS WHERE I WANNA BE.
- TIME TO MAKE MY ROUNDS.
I'LL STOP BY LATER AND
SCARE THE PIGEONS OFF YOU.
- STEPHANIE, WHAT
IS SO IMPORTANT
THAT YOU HAD TO DRAG
ME DOWN HERE LIKE THIS?
- WELL, YOU SAID THAT YOU
WISHED DADDY WOULD HOLD STILL
LONG ENOUGH TO TALK TO HIM.
- WELL, WELL.
HE COULDN'T GET MUCH
STILLER THAN THAT.
- HI, DADDY.
HI, DICK.
I'M SORRY YOU GOT
DRAGGED INTO THIS,
AND YOU WERE WORKING
ON YOUR BOOK, TOO.
- HEY, IT... IT REALLY ISN'T
THAT MUCH OF A DESTRUCTION.
- ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR,
NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU
WHERE I WANT YOU,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- LEAVE ME ALONE.
- DADDY, YOU'RE IN NO
POSITION TO BE STUBBORN.
WE CAN MAKE YOU TALK.
- NOBODY CAN MAKE
ME DO ANYTHING.
- YOU'RE A PROUD MAN,
AREN'T YOU DADDY?
THAT'S WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS LOVED ABOUT YOU.
YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOUR PRIDE,
YOUR DIGNITY, AND
YOUR SAVOIR FAIRE.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. I'LL TALK.
JUST TAKE THEM OFF.
- WHY DID YOU HUMILIATE ME
IN FRONT OF MY BRIDGE CLUB?
- BECAUSE YOUR
BRIDGE CLUB IS STUPID.
- YOU THINK THE
DEMOCRATS ARE STUPID
BUT YOU NEVER MOON THEM.
- I WAS TEMPTED IN '72.
BUT, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO BUSY
WITH YOUR CLUBS AND CHARITIES
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D EVEN NOTICE.
- NOTICE? WE ALL NOTICED.
MRS. HODGKINS BUTTERED
AND ATE THE THREE OF HEARTS.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- MAYBE THIS IS
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT I THINK WHAT YOUR
HUSBAND IS TRYING TO SAY
THAT WITH YOU BUSY ALL THE TIME,
MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PAYING
AS MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM LATELY.
WHEN... WHEN YOU'RE
IN STIR WITH A GUY,
YOU... YOU GET TO KNOW HIM.
- ARTHUR, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN BUSY
WITH MY CLUBS AND CHARITIES.
I HAD TO BE.
YOU WERE ALWAYS
OFF EARNING GOBS.
- NOW I'M RETIRED.
THEY TOOK MY NAME OFF THE DOOR
AND PUT ON A PLAQUE WITH
A BUNCH OF DEAD PEOPLE.
- ARTHUR, YOU'RE NOT
MAKING ANY SENSE.
- I THINK WHAT HE'S
TRYING TO SAY IS
HE FEELS LIKE HE'S USELESS.
- DO YOU MIND? THIS IS A
PERSONAL CONVERSATION.
- I'M SORRY.
I'LL, UH, I'LL MOVE OVER
THERE OUT OF EARSHOT.
Stephanie: WAIT, MUMMY.
USUALLY WHEN DICK
TALKS, I DON'T LISTEN EITHER,
BUT THIS TIME HE MIGHT
BE ONTO SOMETHING.
- ARTHUR?
ARE YOU FEELING USELESS?
- HOW SHOULD I FEEL?
THE BUSINESS IS FINE WITHOUT
ME, THE CHILDREN ARE GONE,
MY WIFE DOESN'T NEED ME.
I'M NOTHING.
I FEEL LIKE MOONING THE WORLD.
- OH, I HAD NO IDEA
YOU FELT THIS WAY.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO
STRONG AND CONFIDENT.
- I KNOW.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
NOT LIKE "THIS," LIKE THIS.
- BUT, ARTHUR, I
LOVE YOU LIKE THIS.
I LOVE YOU ANY WAY YOU ARE.
- SWEETHEART, I LOVE YOU TOO.
Dick: POSSIBLY
THIS IS A BAD TIME,
BUT COULD... COULD
SOMEONE SCRATCH MY NOSE?
- HERE.
MUMMY, COULDN'T YOU DROP
ONE OR TWO OF YOUR ACTIVITIES
TO MAKE TIME FOR DADDY?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE SO.
IT'S A SURE BET THE BRIDGE
CLUB ISN'T COMING BACK.
- AND DADDY, COULDN'T YOU
GO BACK TO WORK PART-TIME?
- WELL, SOME PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN TRYING TO ENTICE ME
INTO HELPING THEM OUT
OF THEIR FINANCIAL CRISIS.
- WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL, DADDY.
WHO?
- THE ENGLISH.
- WHAT A PAIR OF
NOODLEHEADS WE'VE BEEN.
- FRIENDS AGAIN?
- YES, WE ARE.
- THEN CONSIDER
YOURSELF ON PAROLE.
- AH!
- NOW, DON'T SHOW YOUR
MUGS AROUND HERE AGAIN
UNLESS THEY'RE IN LOVE.
- I'M THIRSTY.
LET'S GO AND BUY
THE LEMONADE STAND.
- AN UNFRIENDLY TAKEOVER.
MY ARTHUR IS BACK.
- NOW THAT EVERYBODY
IS FRIENDS AGAIN,
WOULD YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE
SO I CAN GIVE MY
NOSE A REAL SCRATCH?
- SORRY. HIS ARREST WAS A SETUP.
YOURS WAS RIGHTEOUS BUST.
YOU GOT ANOTHER HOUR.
- WHAT?
- NONE OF THAT.
PART OF THE PUNISHMENT.
- FOLKS... FOLKS, COULD
SOMEONE SCRATCH MY NOSE?
IT'S... IT'S WORTH MONEY!
FIVE... FIVE DOLLARS
TO SCRATCH MY NOSE.
ANY... ANYBODY?
FIVE DOLLARS TO SCRATCH MY NOSE!
(music playing)
(meow)
(music fading out)