Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 5 - Candidate Larry - full transcript
Larry runs for mayor.
(theme music playing)
- MAYOR DODDS, ISN'T
IT TRUE THAT YOU PLAN
TO SUPPORT THE DEVELOPMENT
OF STONEY RIDGE WOODS?
- NOPE.
- OH. GOOD.
(canned laughter throughout)
- I JUST SUPPORT CUTTING
DOWN ALL THE TREES
AND SELLING THE LUMBER.
- MAYOR DODDS, WE ELECTED YOU
BECAUSE YOU PROMISED
NOT TO DO ANYTHING.
Man: YEAH.
- NOW, CHESTER, I DON'T
THINK I NEED TO STAND UP HERE
AND POINT OUT
HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE.
WE ALL HAVE
SOMETHING TO GAIN HERE.
THE STONEY RIDGE PROJECT
WILL BRING IN LOTS OF REVENUE
AND SOME OF THE MOST FUN
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, LOGGERS!
- I... I'M DICK LAUDEN.
MY WIFE AND I OWN
THE STRATFORD INN
AND A LOT OF THE
TOURISTS WHO STAY THERE
COME UP FOR THE...
FOR THE FOLIAGE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE
FOLIAGE WITHOUT TREES.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- UM, MAYBE YOU PEOPLE
DON'T APPRECIATE THE...
THE BEAUTY OF THIS AREA
BUT MY WIFE AND I ARE FROM...
FROM NEW YORK AND THEY'VE
CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES THERE.
- TOURISTS STILL COME TO
NEW YORK, DON'T THEY, DICK?
- NOT FOR TREES.
- AH-HA!
SO YOU DON'T NEED
TREES FOR TOURISTS.
THANK YOU FOR
POINTING THAT OUT, DICK.
- JIM AND I USED TO
PLAY IN THOSE WOODS
WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
YOU'RE NOT JUST
CUTTIN' DOWN TREES,
YOU'RE CUTTIN' DOWN MEMORIES.
- CHESTER, AREN'T MEMORIES
EVEN MORE PRECIOUS
WHEN YOU'RE REMEMBERING
SOMETHING THAT'S GONE?
- BOY, THIS GUY'S GOOD.
- I THINK IT'S TIME I SPOKE UP.
(clears throat) I'M
GEORGE UTLEY.
I'VE LIVED IN THIS
TOWN ALL MY LIFE.
I WENT TO SCHOOL AT
ASHTON ELEMENTARY.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- GEE, I NEVER GOT
STATIC ON THAT BEFORE.
- WELL, IF NO ONE HAS
ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY,
THIS MEETING IS NOW...
- EXCUSE ME. HI.
I'M LARRY, THIS MY
BROTHER DARRYL,
THIS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.
WE USED TO LIVE IN THEM WOODS,
AND THEY WOULDN'T BE
THE SAME WITHOUT TREES.
I MEAN, WHERE ARE THE
BIRDS GONNA PARK IT?
YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE
AWAY YOUR ROBINS,
YOUR CROWS, YOUR MEADOWLARKS.
- SIR...
- I BELIEVE I HAVE THE FLOOR.
YOUR BLUE JAYS, YOUR
SPARROWS, AND LET'S NOT FORGET
YOUR FINCHES, THE
MOST TASTY OF THEM ALL.
(applause)
- WELL, MEETING ADJOURNED.
I DO HOPE YOU'LL ALL
REMEMBER THE NAME "DODDS"
WHEN YOU'RE VOTING
TWO WEEKS FROM TUESDAY.
(chuckling)
- WE GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY
TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
- YEAH, I NOMINATE CHESTER.
- JIM...
- OH, COME ON.
YOU WERE MAYOR ONCE BEFORE
AND YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU DIDN'T DO A THING.
- THANKS.
BUT I PROMISED MY WIFE
I WOULDN'T RUN AGAIN.
KEEPING THINGS FROM HAPPENING
CAN TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.
- YOU THINK JOANNA WOULD
LET YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?
- OH, I'M... I'M SORRY.
I'M MUCH TOO BUSY.
- TOO BAD. YOU'D HAVE
MADE A GOOD ONE.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- HI, MICHAEL.
- AND FRIEND.
- AW!
Stephanie: MICHAEL, IS THAT YOU?
- ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?
Joanna: THE CUTEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
- I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS NOW,
BUT YOU CAN KEEP TALKING
ABOUT ME IF YOU WANT TO.
- GET READY FOR
THE BIGGEST "AW" YET.
- OH. A CUTE...
ADORABLE,
ATTENTION-GRABBING PUPPY.
- OH, SHE'S SO
FRIENDLY AND SOFT.
- AND SUCH PRETTY COLORS.
- NOT UNLIKE MY NEW SWEATER.
- IT'S CUTE, STEPH.
LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
- DOES A PERSON HAVE
TO HAVE A WET NOSE
TO GET SOME
ATTENTION AROUND HERE?
- LOOK AT THAT LITTLE WET NOSE!
- MICHAEL!
IS THAT CUDDLY LITTLE
CREATURE YOURS,
AND WHAT'S ITS LIFE EXPECTANCY?
- THIS IS JULIET, MY
FRIEND BRUCE'S DOG.
I'M TAKING CARE OF HER
WHILE HE LOOKS FOR AN
APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.
- OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA
GET TO THE MOVIES,
YOU'D BETTER STICK HER
IN A DRAWER OR SOMETHING.
- CHANGE OF PLANS,
SENORITA BONITA.
I THOUGHT WE'D GO ON A
SHOPPING SPREE INSTEAD.
(Stephanie squeals)
THEY'RE HAVING A
SQUEAK-PAW SPECTACULAR
AT THE HOUSE OF BOWWOW.
I WANT TO GO TO THE VET'S
AND BUY SOME VITAMINS,
AND I'LL HAVE TO
BUY SOME NEWSPAPER
SO SHE CAN STAY ON
TOP OF CURRENT EVENTS.
- MICHAEL, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
- OH, FINE. WELL, I'LL
CALL YOU TONIGHT
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
- BOY, THAT SURE
IS A CUTE PUPPY.
- SHUT UP, GEORGE.
- I GUESS I HAD THAT COMING.
- HI. I'M LARRY.
- I KNOW.
YOU'RE LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL.
- RIGHT!
WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOUR
HUSBAND IF HE'S DECENT.
'COURSE, DARRYL HERE
DON'T CARE EITHER WAY.
- DICK?
- HI, GUYS. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WE'RE HERE TODAY AS THREE
OF THE GREAT UNWASHED.
- RE... REALLY?
- WE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT
SAVING STONEY RIDGE WOODS.
- WHAT WE HAVE TO FIND IS
SOMEONE WHO WILL RUN
AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
I'VE CALLED EVERYBODY IN
TOWN AND NOBODY WANTS TO RUN.
- OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
- LARRY, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
NOT SUGGESTING THAT...
THAT YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?
- YOU SAID NO ONE
ELSE WOULD DO IT.
- THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMEONE I HAVEN'T CALLED.
- WHY BOTHER?
YOU AGREED WITH
EVERYTHING I SAID
AT THE MEETIN' LAST
NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH, EXCEPT MAYBE
WHICH BIRD IS THE TASTIEST.
WELL, THE POINT IS, I
DON'T THINK YOU'D...
YOU'D STAND A CHANCE OF WINNING.
- I GOT A BETTER CHANCE
OF GETTING VOTES
THAN IF NOBODY RAN.
- MAYBE.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL
WE NEED TO HEAR.
COME ON, DARRYL,
LET'S GET OUR TOOLS.
I READ SOMEWHERE A CANDIDATE
SHOULD PUT TOGETHER A PLATFORM.
- DICK, IS IT TRUE LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL
ARE RUNNING FOR MAYOR?
(chuckling)
- DON'T BE SILLY.
JUST LARRY.
- WELL, WE FOUND SOMEBODY ELSE
TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
- YEAH, SOMEBODY WHO SHAVES.
- ME.
- GREAT.
- SO, DICK, DO I HAVE
YOUR ENDORSEMENT?
- ALL THE INFLUENCE
THAT GOES WITH IT.
- WANNA HEAR MY SLOGAN?
- SURE.
- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."
- CATCHY.
- I WROTE IT.
- WELL, THANKS FOR
YOUR ENDORSEMENT, DICK.
OH, AND WHAT'S OUR BATTLE CRY?
- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."
- IT'S LIKE A COLE PORTER LYRIC.
Michael: JULIET! WHEREFORE
ART THOU, JULIET?
(chuckling)
- OH, WHAT A CUTE PUPPY.
(falsetto)
- MY NAME IS JULIET.
- SMART, TOO.
- HERE, DICK. SCORE
SOME POINTS WITH THIS.
(squeaking)
- OH, THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY.
(chuckling)
- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOUR CAR.
OH BOY. CUJO'S BACK.
(squeaking)
- STEPH, GREAT NEWS.
MY FRIEND BRUCE
FOUND AN APARTMENT.
- OH, WELL!
GOODBYE, JULIET. I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YOU BET YOU WON'T, STEPH.
THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.
THE LANDLORD WON'T LET
HIM HAVE PETS SO JULIET IS...
IS MINE FOREVER.
(squeaking)
- OH, THESE ARE GLAD TIDINGS.
BUT, MICHAEL, DON'T
YOU... GIVE ME THAT!
MICHAEL, DON'T YOU
THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
DISCUSSED THIS FIRST?
- I'M SORRY, STEPH.
I... I COULDN'T HELP IT.
JUST LIKE I... I COULDN'T
HELP GETTING THIS.
- OH, MICHAEL!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
- WAIT'LL YOU SEE
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON.
SAY HELLO TO JULIET HARRIS.
- MICHAEL, SO FAR I'VE KEPT
MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF,
BUT I REFUSE TO
SHARE YOUR AFFECTIONS
WITH THIS FLEA CIRCUS.
NOW, YOU HAVE A CHOICE
TO MAKE, FUR OR FLESH.
- WHOA.
TORN BETWEEN TWO MAMMALS.
- HI. I'M CANDIDATE LARRY.
- YEAH, I... I RECOGNIZE
EVERYBODY.
- HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?
- LARRY... LARRY,
THERE'S SOMETHING...
- IF ANYONE'S STILL
STRADDLIN' THE FENCE
AFTER THAT, WE GOT THESE.
- "LARRY AND DICK LAUDEN,
TWO MEN, ONE MIND."
LARRY, I... I THINK THAT SHOULD
BE TWO MEN "OF" ONE MIND.
- OH.
I WISH YOU'D SAID
SOMETHING EARLIER.
DARRYL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF THE
DAY CHASIN' CARS.
- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
GUYS, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
CHESTER WANAMAKER HAS
DECIDED TO RUN FOR MAYOR
AND SINCE HE FEELS THE SAME
WAY WE DO ABOUT THE WOODS,
NOW THAT HE'S RUNNING, YOU
CAN DROP OUT OF THE RACE.
- NO WAY.
I GOT A BETTER CHANCE
TO WIN THAN HIM.
I GOT SOMETHIN' HE AIN'T NEVER
GONNA HAVE, YOUR ENDORSEMENT.
- UH, LARRY...
WHAT... WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS I'VE...
I'VE GIVEN CHESTER
MY ENDORSEMENT.
- WELL, OKAY, BUT
IT KIND OF DILUTES
THE SIGNIFICANCE IF YOU
ENDORSE THE BOTH OF US.
- LARRY, I... I ONLY
ENDORSED HIM.
I... I... I NEVER ENDORSED YOU.
- ONE DAY IN POLITICS,
AND ALREADY I'VE BEEN
STABBED IN THE BACK.
- IT'S JUST THAT I
HAVE THIS CRA...
CRAZY FEELING
THAT CHESTER HAS A...
A BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING.
- WHY?
- WELL, A MAYOR HAS
TO INSPIRE CONFIDENCE.
HE HAS TO BE A
SKILLED ADMINISTRATOR.
HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND
THE... THE INTRICACIES OF...
OF RUNNING A COMMUNITY.
- THAT'S ME IN A NUTSHELL.
- LARRY, DROP OUT OF THE RACE.
- NO, SIR.
THEM WOODS WAS MY HOME
AND NO ONE CAN DEFEND THEM
BETTER THAN ME.
- LARRY, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
JUST GONNA GET HURT.
- HOW CAN ANYTHING HURT
WORSE THAN A KNIFE IN THE BACK?
COME ON, DARRYL.
LET'S GO SHAKE SOME BABIES.
- GUYS...
KISS BABIES.
- SURE, SET US UP
FOR ANOTHER FALL.
- HI, GEORGE.
- CHESTER.
- THANKS FOR HELPING
ME WITH MY SPEECH, DICK,
ESPECIALLY FOR THE OPENING JOKE.
- WHAT OPENING JOKE?
- OH, AT THE "MEET... MEET THE
CANDIDATES" DEBATE TONIGHT,
CHESTER IS GOING TO SAY,
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'VE COME HERE TONIGHT
TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
NOT THAT I COULDN'T
STAND UP WITHOUT IT."
(laughing)
CHESTER!
I'LL CATCH HIM
BEFORE HE GOES ON.
- DID YOU TELL THE JOKE RIGHT,
OR IS IT JUST NOT FUNNY?
- GEORGE, IT'S HARD
FOR ME TO HELP CHESTER
WHEN I HAVE ALL THIS
GUILT ABOUT LARRY.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL
LIKE I BETRAYED HIM.
Larry: HI, I'M LARRY.
VOTE FOR LARRY.
SAVE THE TREES.
DON'T STAY AT STRATFORD INN.
- APPARENTLY, HE
FEELS THE SAME WAY.
HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER
TALK TO ME AGAIN.
- IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA MISS LARRY.
- NOT... NOT "MISS" MISS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A
MOLE REMOVED, YOU KNOW,
YOU NEVER REALLY WANTED IT
BUT YOU... YOU KIND
OF MISS THE BUMP.
- HI, ALL.
I'VE GOT MY PUPPY BUT
IS MY KITTEN AROUND?
- I HATE TO ANSWER
A QUESTION LIKE THAT,
BUT STEPHANIE'S UPSTAIRS.
- STEPH!
- OH, WE'RE GOING TO
"MEET THE CANDIDATE"
DEBATE TONIGHT.
ARE YOU AND STEPHANIE GOING?
WHAT... WHAT AM I SAYING?
- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO COME BACK UNTIL YOU'D
DUMPED THE OTHER WOMAN.
- DON'T WORRY, STEPH.
SHE'S GOT ONE PAW OUT
THE DOOR AS WE SPEAK.
I'M PASSING FLIERS
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
TRYING TO FIND HER A HOME,
SO IF YOU COULD JUST
WATCH HER FOR AWHILE.
- YOU'RE LEAVING HER HERE?
- STEPH, I CAN'T
TAKE HER WITH ME.
I THINK SHE KNOWS
WHAT'S GOING ON.
- MICHAEL!
- BYE, GIRLS.
- MICHAEL!
LOOK, I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO,
SO JUST SIT THERE AND
KEEP YOUR YAP SHUT.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I INVENTED IT.
AND YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
LOOK, JUST PLAY
WITH YOUR SILLY TOY
AND STOP BOTHERING ME.
OH, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
COME ON, JULIET.
(squeaking)
OH, YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
I'LL BET YOU THINK
I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
(squeaking) HA HA! FOOLED YOU.
WHERE DID IT GO?
UH-OH! THERE IT IS.
(squeaking) JULIET,
THAT'S OUR GIRL.
WHOSE ITTY BITTY DOGGIE ARE YOU?
(clears throat)
- I'M BACK.
SO HOW DID... HOW DID
YOU TWO GET ALONG?
- NOBODY GOT BITTEN.
- YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT
ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE.
WELL, I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT ONLY MAN
CAN CUT TREES DOWN
WITH POWER SAWS.
NOW, GOD HAS DONE HIS PART.
I THINK IT'S HIGH
TIME WE DID OURS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
(applause)
- GEORGE!
- OH, SORRY.
BOY, THAT GUY CAN REALLY
TAMPER WITH YOUR MIND.
- GOOD EVENING. I'M
CHESTER WANAMAKER.
(applause)
DICK LAUDEN WROTE ME A
REAL FUNNY OPENING JOKE
BUT HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL IT.
BUT MAYBE NOW IS
NOT THE TIME TO LAUGH.
THE SURVIVAL OF STONEY
RIDGE WOODS IS AT STAKE.
NOW, I KNOW MONEY IS
IMPORTANT TO ALL OF US.
HECKLER: I DISAGREE!
- WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT
TO THE REST OF US.
BUT I FOR ONE WOULD RATHER
HAVE THE GREEN OF THE LEAF
THAN THE GREEN OF THE DOLLAR.
(applause)
- DITTO.
(applause)
DARRYL THINKS I
SHOULD EXPAND ON THAT.
DARRYL AND I USED TO HAVE
A BUSINESS CALLED
"ANYTHING FOR A BUCK."
WELL, THERE'S SOME
THINGS YOU DON'T DO
FOR TWICE THAT AMOUNT.
YOU DON'T DESTROY
THINGS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL.
IF YOU KEEP DEVELOPING THE LAND,
YOU LOSE WHAT DREW
PEOPLE TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
SOME THINGS CAN'T
BE IMPROVED UPON,
THINGS LIKE THE FIRST
SOUND A BABY MAKES,
THINGS LIKE DARRYL'S
FETTUCCINI ALFREDO,
AND STONEY RIDGE WOODS.
THE MAN UPSTAIRS'LL
TAKE CARE OF THEM BABIES,
AND DARRYL WILL KEEP
AN EYE ON THAT FETTUCCINI,
BUT IT'S UP TO US TO
PROTECT THEM WOODS.
THANK YOU.
(applause)
MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT
I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
YOU'RE SO DOWN-TO-EARTH.
I MEAN, HOW MANY CANDIDATES
AREN'T AFRAID TO SAY
"I DON'T KNOW."
- I DON'T KNOW.
- YEP.
(bell jingling)
- I, UH, I GUESS
YOU HEARD THE...
THE ELECTION RESULTS.
- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?
WE AIN'T PARTYIN' YET, ARE WE?
- WELL? WHO WON?
- LARRY... (horns blaring)
(all cheering)
WAIT! WAIT, WAIT! WAIT!
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE!
HE... YOU DIDN'T WIN.
(celebration noises fade out)
- HE DIDN'T?
- CHESTER WON.
- WELL, DOES THAT
COUNT ABSENTEE BALLOTS?
I'M REAL BIG WITH
SERVICEMEN OVERSEAS.
- LARRY, IT'S... IT'S OVER.
- DARN.
- BUT... BUT THE
WOODS WERE SAVED
AND I THINK YOUR SPEECH HAD...
HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
- WHICH ONE?
"DITTO" OR THE WORDY ONE?
- PROBABLY A COMBINATION.
BUT I THINK YOU
CAMPAIGNED ADMIRABLY,
EXCEPT FOR SHAKING A FEW BABIES.
- WELL, WHAT WAS
THE VOTE ANYWAY?
- GEE, I-I... YOU
KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,
UH EXACTLY, SOMETHING
LIKE 419 TO... 321...
TO AROUND FIVE.
- WELL, IS THAT
SECOND-PLACE FELLA
IN THIS ROOM?
HOW "AROUND FIVE" WAS IT?
- THREE.
- THREE?
JUST A SECOND.
YOU VOTED FOR ME,
AND I VOTED FOR ME...
THERE'S A BENEDICT DARRYL HERE.
WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU IT IS,
I GUESS BLOOD ISN'T
AS THICK AS YOUR HEAD.
- LARRY... LARRY, ONE...
ONE MORE VOTE WOULDN'T...
WOULDN'T HAVE PUT
YOU OVER THE TOP.
- I GUESS THAT'S IT.
PEOPLE HAVE JEERED.
HOW COME I ONLY GOT THREE VOTES?
IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME?
- JUST THAT YOU HAVE
THIS CERTAIN IMAGE
THAT FOR SOME REASON
DIDN'T... DIDN'T FIT WITH "MAYOR."
- WHAT IS MY IMAGE?
- I THINK PEOPLE THINK
OF YOU AS MORE A...
A RESTARAUNTEUR.
- OH, YOU WANT A BURGER?
- NO!
I... I ON THE OTHER
HAND, I THINK OF YOU AS...
- YES?
- A FRIEND.
- HUH.
I GUESS I WON
SOMETHING AFTER ALL.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR
MY CONCESSION SPEECH.
HI. I LOST.
OKAY, LET'S PARTY.
- LOOK AT THAT.
EVEN IN DEFEAT,
HONEST, DIRECT, CONCISE.
I SAY WE REALLY MISSED OUT.
(horns blaring)
- MICHAEL!
LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR JULIET.
IT'S A SQUEAKING HOT DOG.
(squeaking)
WHERE IS SHE?
- BAD NEWS, STEPH.
MY FRIEND BRUCE
FOUND AN APARTMENT...
- NO!
- YES. THEY TAKE PETS.
BRUCE PICKED JULIET UP
ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- AND YOU JUST LET HER GO?
- STEPH, MY HEART'S
ALREADY BEEN RIPPED
INTO KIBBLES AND BITS.
WE'VE GOTTA LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
NO MORE WALKING
HER THREE TIMES A DAY.
- NO MORE GETTING
FUR ALL OVER MY DRESS.
- AND BEST OF ALL, WE'VE
STILL GOT EACH OTHER.
- OH, MICHAEL.
(squeaking)
(crying)
(theme music playing)
Man's voice: MEOW.
- MAYOR DODDS, ISN'T
IT TRUE THAT YOU PLAN
TO SUPPORT THE DEVELOPMENT
OF STONEY RIDGE WOODS?
- NOPE.
- OH. GOOD.
(canned laughter throughout)
- I JUST SUPPORT CUTTING
DOWN ALL THE TREES
AND SELLING THE LUMBER.
- MAYOR DODDS, WE ELECTED YOU
BECAUSE YOU PROMISED
NOT TO DO ANYTHING.
Man: YEAH.
- NOW, CHESTER, I DON'T
THINK I NEED TO STAND UP HERE
AND POINT OUT
HOW LITTLE I'VE DONE.
WE ALL HAVE
SOMETHING TO GAIN HERE.
THE STONEY RIDGE PROJECT
WILL BRING IN LOTS OF REVENUE
AND SOME OF THE MOST FUN
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, LOGGERS!
- I... I'M DICK LAUDEN.
MY WIFE AND I OWN
THE STRATFORD INN
AND A LOT OF THE
TOURISTS WHO STAY THERE
COME UP FOR THE...
FOR THE FOLIAGE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE
FOLIAGE WITHOUT TREES.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- UM, MAYBE YOU PEOPLE
DON'T APPRECIATE THE...
THE BEAUTY OF THIS AREA
BUT MY WIFE AND I ARE FROM...
FROM NEW YORK AND THEY'VE
CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES THERE.
- TOURISTS STILL COME TO
NEW YORK, DON'T THEY, DICK?
- NOT FOR TREES.
- AH-HA!
SO YOU DON'T NEED
TREES FOR TOURISTS.
THANK YOU FOR
POINTING THAT OUT, DICK.
- JIM AND I USED TO
PLAY IN THOSE WOODS
WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
YOU'RE NOT JUST
CUTTIN' DOWN TREES,
YOU'RE CUTTIN' DOWN MEMORIES.
- CHESTER, AREN'T MEMORIES
EVEN MORE PRECIOUS
WHEN YOU'RE REMEMBERING
SOMETHING THAT'S GONE?
- BOY, THIS GUY'S GOOD.
- I THINK IT'S TIME I SPOKE UP.
(clears throat) I'M
GEORGE UTLEY.
I'VE LIVED IN THIS
TOWN ALL MY LIFE.
I WENT TO SCHOOL AT
ASHTON ELEMENTARY.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- GEE, I NEVER GOT
STATIC ON THAT BEFORE.
- WELL, IF NO ONE HAS
ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY,
THIS MEETING IS NOW...
- EXCUSE ME. HI.
I'M LARRY, THIS MY
BROTHER DARRYL,
THIS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.
WE USED TO LIVE IN THEM WOODS,
AND THEY WOULDN'T BE
THE SAME WITHOUT TREES.
I MEAN, WHERE ARE THE
BIRDS GONNA PARK IT?
YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE
AWAY YOUR ROBINS,
YOUR CROWS, YOUR MEADOWLARKS.
- SIR...
- I BELIEVE I HAVE THE FLOOR.
YOUR BLUE JAYS, YOUR
SPARROWS, AND LET'S NOT FORGET
YOUR FINCHES, THE
MOST TASTY OF THEM ALL.
(applause)
- WELL, MEETING ADJOURNED.
I DO HOPE YOU'LL ALL
REMEMBER THE NAME "DODDS"
WHEN YOU'RE VOTING
TWO WEEKS FROM TUESDAY.
(chuckling)
- WE GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY
TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
- YEAH, I NOMINATE CHESTER.
- JIM...
- OH, COME ON.
YOU WERE MAYOR ONCE BEFORE
AND YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU DIDN'T DO A THING.
- THANKS.
BUT I PROMISED MY WIFE
I WOULDN'T RUN AGAIN.
KEEPING THINGS FROM HAPPENING
CAN TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE.
- YOU THINK JOANNA WOULD
LET YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?
- OH, I'M... I'M SORRY.
I'M MUCH TOO BUSY.
- TOO BAD. YOU'D HAVE
MADE A GOOD ONE.
Heckler: I DISAGREE!
- HI, MICHAEL.
- AND FRIEND.
- AW!
Stephanie: MICHAEL, IS THAT YOU?
- ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?
Joanna: THE CUTEST
THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
- I'M COMING DOWNSTAIRS NOW,
BUT YOU CAN KEEP TALKING
ABOUT ME IF YOU WANT TO.
- GET READY FOR
THE BIGGEST "AW" YET.
- OH. A CUTE...
ADORABLE,
ATTENTION-GRABBING PUPPY.
- OH, SHE'S SO
FRIENDLY AND SOFT.
- AND SUCH PRETTY COLORS.
- NOT UNLIKE MY NEW SWEATER.
- IT'S CUTE, STEPH.
LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
- DOES A PERSON HAVE
TO HAVE A WET NOSE
TO GET SOME
ATTENTION AROUND HERE?
- LOOK AT THAT LITTLE WET NOSE!
- MICHAEL!
IS THAT CUDDLY LITTLE
CREATURE YOURS,
AND WHAT'S ITS LIFE EXPECTANCY?
- THIS IS JULIET, MY
FRIEND BRUCE'S DOG.
I'M TAKING CARE OF HER
WHILE HE LOOKS FOR AN
APARTMENT IN NEW YORK.
- OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA
GET TO THE MOVIES,
YOU'D BETTER STICK HER
IN A DRAWER OR SOMETHING.
- CHANGE OF PLANS,
SENORITA BONITA.
I THOUGHT WE'D GO ON A
SHOPPING SPREE INSTEAD.
(Stephanie squeals)
THEY'RE HAVING A
SQUEAK-PAW SPECTACULAR
AT THE HOUSE OF BOWWOW.
I WANT TO GO TO THE VET'S
AND BUY SOME VITAMINS,
AND I'LL HAVE TO
BUY SOME NEWSPAPER
SO SHE CAN STAY ON
TOP OF CURRENT EVENTS.
- MICHAEL, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
- OH, FINE. WELL, I'LL
CALL YOU TONIGHT
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
- BOY, THAT SURE
IS A CUTE PUPPY.
- SHUT UP, GEORGE.
- I GUESS I HAD THAT COMING.
- HI. I'M LARRY.
- I KNOW.
YOU'RE LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL.
- RIGHT!
WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOUR
HUSBAND IF HE'S DECENT.
'COURSE, DARRYL HERE
DON'T CARE EITHER WAY.
- DICK?
- HI, GUYS. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WE'RE HERE TODAY AS THREE
OF THE GREAT UNWASHED.
- RE... REALLY?
- WE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT
SAVING STONEY RIDGE WOODS.
- WHAT WE HAVE TO FIND IS
SOMEONE WHO WILL RUN
AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
I'VE CALLED EVERYBODY IN
TOWN AND NOBODY WANTS TO RUN.
- OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
- LARRY, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
NOT SUGGESTING THAT...
THAT YOU RUN FOR MAYOR?
- YOU SAID NO ONE
ELSE WOULD DO IT.
- THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMEONE I HAVEN'T CALLED.
- WHY BOTHER?
YOU AGREED WITH
EVERYTHING I SAID
AT THE MEETIN' LAST
NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH, EXCEPT MAYBE
WHICH BIRD IS THE TASTIEST.
WELL, THE POINT IS, I
DON'T THINK YOU'D...
YOU'D STAND A CHANCE OF WINNING.
- I GOT A BETTER CHANCE
OF GETTING VOTES
THAN IF NOBODY RAN.
- MAYBE.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL
WE NEED TO HEAR.
COME ON, DARRYL,
LET'S GET OUR TOOLS.
I READ SOMEWHERE A CANDIDATE
SHOULD PUT TOGETHER A PLATFORM.
- DICK, IS IT TRUE LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL
ARE RUNNING FOR MAYOR?
(chuckling)
- DON'T BE SILLY.
JUST LARRY.
- WELL, WE FOUND SOMEBODY ELSE
TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DODDS.
- YEAH, SOMEBODY WHO SHAVES.
- ME.
- GREAT.
- SO, DICK, DO I HAVE
YOUR ENDORSEMENT?
- ALL THE INFLUENCE
THAT GOES WITH IT.
- WANNA HEAR MY SLOGAN?
- SURE.
- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."
- CATCHY.
- I WROTE IT.
- WELL, THANKS FOR
YOUR ENDORSEMENT, DICK.
OH, AND WHAT'S OUR BATTLE CRY?
- "VOTE FOR CHESTER FOR MAYOR."
- IT'S LIKE A COLE PORTER LYRIC.
Michael: JULIET! WHEREFORE
ART THOU, JULIET?
(chuckling)
- OH, WHAT A CUTE PUPPY.
(falsetto)
- MY NAME IS JULIET.
- SMART, TOO.
- HERE, DICK. SCORE
SOME POINTS WITH THIS.
(squeaking)
- OH, THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY.
(chuckling)
- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOUR CAR.
OH BOY. CUJO'S BACK.
(squeaking)
- STEPH, GREAT NEWS.
MY FRIEND BRUCE
FOUND AN APARTMENT.
- OH, WELL!
GOODBYE, JULIET. I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YOU BET YOU WON'T, STEPH.
THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.
THE LANDLORD WON'T LET
HIM HAVE PETS SO JULIET IS...
IS MINE FOREVER.
(squeaking)
- OH, THESE ARE GLAD TIDINGS.
BUT, MICHAEL, DON'T
YOU... GIVE ME THAT!
MICHAEL, DON'T YOU
THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
DISCUSSED THIS FIRST?
- I'M SORRY, STEPH.
I... I COULDN'T HELP IT.
JUST LIKE I... I COULDN'T
HELP GETTING THIS.
- OH, MICHAEL!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
- WAIT'LL YOU SEE
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON.
SAY HELLO TO JULIET HARRIS.
- MICHAEL, SO FAR I'VE KEPT
MY FEELINGS TO MYSELF,
BUT I REFUSE TO
SHARE YOUR AFFECTIONS
WITH THIS FLEA CIRCUS.
NOW, YOU HAVE A CHOICE
TO MAKE, FUR OR FLESH.
- WHOA.
TORN BETWEEN TWO MAMMALS.
- HI. I'M CANDIDATE LARRY.
- YEAH, I... I RECOGNIZE
EVERYBODY.
- HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?
- LARRY... LARRY,
THERE'S SOMETHING...
- IF ANYONE'S STILL
STRADDLIN' THE FENCE
AFTER THAT, WE GOT THESE.
- "LARRY AND DICK LAUDEN,
TWO MEN, ONE MIND."
LARRY, I... I THINK THAT SHOULD
BE TWO MEN "OF" ONE MIND.
- OH.
I WISH YOU'D SAID
SOMETHING EARLIER.
DARRYL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF THE
DAY CHASIN' CARS.
- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
GUYS, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
CHESTER WANAMAKER HAS
DECIDED TO RUN FOR MAYOR
AND SINCE HE FEELS THE SAME
WAY WE DO ABOUT THE WOODS,
NOW THAT HE'S RUNNING, YOU
CAN DROP OUT OF THE RACE.
- NO WAY.
I GOT A BETTER CHANCE
TO WIN THAN HIM.
I GOT SOMETHIN' HE AIN'T NEVER
GONNA HAVE, YOUR ENDORSEMENT.
- UH, LARRY...
WHAT... WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS I'VE...
I'VE GIVEN CHESTER
MY ENDORSEMENT.
- WELL, OKAY, BUT
IT KIND OF DILUTES
THE SIGNIFICANCE IF YOU
ENDORSE THE BOTH OF US.
- LARRY, I... I ONLY
ENDORSED HIM.
I... I... I NEVER ENDORSED YOU.
- ONE DAY IN POLITICS,
AND ALREADY I'VE BEEN
STABBED IN THE BACK.
- IT'S JUST THAT I
HAVE THIS CRA...
CRAZY FEELING
THAT CHESTER HAS A...
A BETTER CHANCE OF WINNING.
- WHY?
- WELL, A MAYOR HAS
TO INSPIRE CONFIDENCE.
HE HAS TO BE A
SKILLED ADMINISTRATOR.
HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND
THE... THE INTRICACIES OF...
OF RUNNING A COMMUNITY.
- THAT'S ME IN A NUTSHELL.
- LARRY, DROP OUT OF THE RACE.
- NO, SIR.
THEM WOODS WAS MY HOME
AND NO ONE CAN DEFEND THEM
BETTER THAN ME.
- LARRY, YOU'RE... YOU'RE
JUST GONNA GET HURT.
- HOW CAN ANYTHING HURT
WORSE THAN A KNIFE IN THE BACK?
COME ON, DARRYL.
LET'S GO SHAKE SOME BABIES.
- GUYS...
KISS BABIES.
- SURE, SET US UP
FOR ANOTHER FALL.
- HI, GEORGE.
- CHESTER.
- THANKS FOR HELPING
ME WITH MY SPEECH, DICK,
ESPECIALLY FOR THE OPENING JOKE.
- WHAT OPENING JOKE?
- OH, AT THE "MEET... MEET THE
CANDIDATES" DEBATE TONIGHT,
CHESTER IS GOING TO SAY,
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'VE COME HERE TONIGHT
TO ASK FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
NOT THAT I COULDN'T
STAND UP WITHOUT IT."
(laughing)
CHESTER!
I'LL CATCH HIM
BEFORE HE GOES ON.
- DID YOU TELL THE JOKE RIGHT,
OR IS IT JUST NOT FUNNY?
- GEORGE, IT'S HARD
FOR ME TO HELP CHESTER
WHEN I HAVE ALL THIS
GUILT ABOUT LARRY.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL
LIKE I BETRAYED HIM.
Larry: HI, I'M LARRY.
VOTE FOR LARRY.
SAVE THE TREES.
DON'T STAY AT STRATFORD INN.
- APPARENTLY, HE
FEELS THE SAME WAY.
HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER
TALK TO ME AGAIN.
- IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA MISS LARRY.
- NOT... NOT "MISS" MISS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A
MOLE REMOVED, YOU KNOW,
YOU NEVER REALLY WANTED IT
BUT YOU... YOU KIND
OF MISS THE BUMP.
- HI, ALL.
I'VE GOT MY PUPPY BUT
IS MY KITTEN AROUND?
- I HATE TO ANSWER
A QUESTION LIKE THAT,
BUT STEPHANIE'S UPSTAIRS.
- STEPH!
- OH, WE'RE GOING TO
"MEET THE CANDIDATE"
DEBATE TONIGHT.
ARE YOU AND STEPHANIE GOING?
WHAT... WHAT AM I SAYING?
- MICHAEL, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO COME BACK UNTIL YOU'D
DUMPED THE OTHER WOMAN.
- DON'T WORRY, STEPH.
SHE'S GOT ONE PAW OUT
THE DOOR AS WE SPEAK.
I'M PASSING FLIERS
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
TRYING TO FIND HER A HOME,
SO IF YOU COULD JUST
WATCH HER FOR AWHILE.
- YOU'RE LEAVING HER HERE?
- STEPH, I CAN'T
TAKE HER WITH ME.
I THINK SHE KNOWS
WHAT'S GOING ON.
- MICHAEL!
- BYE, GIRLS.
- MICHAEL!
LOOK, I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO,
SO JUST SIT THERE AND
KEEP YOUR YAP SHUT.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I INVENTED IT.
AND YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
LOOK, JUST PLAY
WITH YOUR SILLY TOY
AND STOP BOTHERING ME.
OH, DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
COME ON, JULIET.
(squeaking)
OH, YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
I'LL BET YOU THINK
I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
(squeaking) HA HA! FOOLED YOU.
WHERE DID IT GO?
UH-OH! THERE IT IS.
(squeaking) JULIET,
THAT'S OUR GIRL.
WHOSE ITTY BITTY DOGGIE ARE YOU?
(clears throat)
- I'M BACK.
SO HOW DID... HOW DID
YOU TWO GET ALONG?
- NOBODY GOT BITTEN.
- YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT
ONLY GOD CAN MAKE A TREE.
WELL, I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE.
IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT ONLY MAN
CAN CUT TREES DOWN
WITH POWER SAWS.
NOW, GOD HAS DONE HIS PART.
I THINK IT'S HIGH
TIME WE DID OURS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
(applause)
- GEORGE!
- OH, SORRY.
BOY, THAT GUY CAN REALLY
TAMPER WITH YOUR MIND.
- GOOD EVENING. I'M
CHESTER WANAMAKER.
(applause)
DICK LAUDEN WROTE ME A
REAL FUNNY OPENING JOKE
BUT HE TOLD ME NOT TO TELL IT.
BUT MAYBE NOW IS
NOT THE TIME TO LAUGH.
THE SURVIVAL OF STONEY
RIDGE WOODS IS AT STAKE.
NOW, I KNOW MONEY IS
IMPORTANT TO ALL OF US.
HECKLER: I DISAGREE!
- WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT
TO THE REST OF US.
BUT I FOR ONE WOULD RATHER
HAVE THE GREEN OF THE LEAF
THAN THE GREEN OF THE DOLLAR.
(applause)
- DITTO.
(applause)
DARRYL THINKS I
SHOULD EXPAND ON THAT.
DARRYL AND I USED TO HAVE
A BUSINESS CALLED
"ANYTHING FOR A BUCK."
WELL, THERE'S SOME
THINGS YOU DON'T DO
FOR TWICE THAT AMOUNT.
YOU DON'T DESTROY
THINGS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL.
IF YOU KEEP DEVELOPING THE LAND,
YOU LOSE WHAT DREW
PEOPLE TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
SOME THINGS CAN'T
BE IMPROVED UPON,
THINGS LIKE THE FIRST
SOUND A BABY MAKES,
THINGS LIKE DARRYL'S
FETTUCCINI ALFREDO,
AND STONEY RIDGE WOODS.
THE MAN UPSTAIRS'LL
TAKE CARE OF THEM BABIES,
AND DARRYL WILL KEEP
AN EYE ON THAT FETTUCCINI,
BUT IT'S UP TO US TO
PROTECT THEM WOODS.
THANK YOU.
(applause)
MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT
I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
YOU'RE SO DOWN-TO-EARTH.
I MEAN, HOW MANY CANDIDATES
AREN'T AFRAID TO SAY
"I DON'T KNOW."
- I DON'T KNOW.
- YEP.
(bell jingling)
- I, UH, I GUESS
YOU HEARD THE...
THE ELECTION RESULTS.
- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?
WE AIN'T PARTYIN' YET, ARE WE?
- WELL? WHO WON?
- LARRY... (horns blaring)
(all cheering)
WAIT! WAIT, WAIT! WAIT!
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE!
HE... YOU DIDN'T WIN.
(celebration noises fade out)
- HE DIDN'T?
- CHESTER WON.
- WELL, DOES THAT
COUNT ABSENTEE BALLOTS?
I'M REAL BIG WITH
SERVICEMEN OVERSEAS.
- LARRY, IT'S... IT'S OVER.
- DARN.
- BUT... BUT THE
WOODS WERE SAVED
AND I THINK YOUR SPEECH HAD...
HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
- WHICH ONE?
"DITTO" OR THE WORDY ONE?
- PROBABLY A COMBINATION.
BUT I THINK YOU
CAMPAIGNED ADMIRABLY,
EXCEPT FOR SHAKING A FEW BABIES.
- WELL, WHAT WAS
THE VOTE ANYWAY?
- GEE, I-I... YOU
KNOW, I DON'T KNOW,
UH EXACTLY, SOMETHING
LIKE 419 TO... 321...
TO AROUND FIVE.
- WELL, IS THAT
SECOND-PLACE FELLA
IN THIS ROOM?
HOW "AROUND FIVE" WAS IT?
- THREE.
- THREE?
JUST A SECOND.
YOU VOTED FOR ME,
AND I VOTED FOR ME...
THERE'S A BENEDICT DARRYL HERE.
WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU IT IS,
I GUESS BLOOD ISN'T
AS THICK AS YOUR HEAD.
- LARRY... LARRY, ONE...
ONE MORE VOTE WOULDN'T...
WOULDN'T HAVE PUT
YOU OVER THE TOP.
- I GUESS THAT'S IT.
PEOPLE HAVE JEERED.
HOW COME I ONLY GOT THREE VOTES?
IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME?
- JUST THAT YOU HAVE
THIS CERTAIN IMAGE
THAT FOR SOME REASON
DIDN'T... DIDN'T FIT WITH "MAYOR."
- WHAT IS MY IMAGE?
- I THINK PEOPLE THINK
OF YOU AS MORE A...
A RESTARAUNTEUR.
- OH, YOU WANT A BURGER?
- NO!
I... I ON THE OTHER
HAND, I THINK OF YOU AS...
- YES?
- A FRIEND.
- HUH.
I GUESS I WON
SOMETHING AFTER ALL.
I GUESS THAT'S IT.
GUESS IT'S TIME FOR
MY CONCESSION SPEECH.
HI. I LOST.
OKAY, LET'S PARTY.
- LOOK AT THAT.
EVEN IN DEFEAT,
HONEST, DIRECT, CONCISE.
I SAY WE REALLY MISSED OUT.
(horns blaring)
- MICHAEL!
LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR JULIET.
IT'S A SQUEAKING HOT DOG.
(squeaking)
WHERE IS SHE?
- BAD NEWS, STEPH.
MY FRIEND BRUCE
FOUND AN APARTMENT...
- NO!
- YES. THEY TAKE PETS.
BRUCE PICKED JULIET UP
ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO.
- AND YOU JUST LET HER GO?
- STEPH, MY HEART'S
ALREADY BEEN RIPPED
INTO KIBBLES AND BITS.
WE'VE GOTTA LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
NO MORE WALKING
HER THREE TIMES A DAY.
- NO MORE GETTING
FUR ALL OVER MY DRESS.
- AND BEST OF ALL, WE'VE
STILL GOT EACH OTHER.
- OH, MICHAEL.
(squeaking)
(crying)
(theme music playing)
Man's voice: MEOW.