Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 3 - Summa Cum Larry - full transcript
Larry after watching Jeopardy decides to try and get his high school equivalency. So he asks Dick to help him. When he fails the test, Dick goes to the teacher and convinces him to give Larry another try and to test him as if he was on Jeopardy. And Joanna upon seeing the Inn's rating in the Vermont guide go down, sets out to restore it. So she drives George and Stephanie crazy.
(theme music playing)
- HI. I'M LARRY, THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARRYL.
- HI. HI, GUYS.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S UP?
- WE'RE RETURNING YOUR CHAINSAW.
- OH, THANKS.
WHERE... WHERE IS IT?
- OH, DEAR. WE MUST'VE
LEFT IT AT THE CAFE.
DARRYL?
AND DON'T BE PLAYIN'
"LET'S SEE IF IT'LL CUT THIS"
ON THE WAY BACK.
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I JUST WANTED TO
GET RID OF DARRYL
SO WE COULD BE ALONE.
- UH, WHY?
- I'M GOIN' BACK TO SCHOOL.
- OH.
- I'M PROBABLY NOT AS
EDUCATED AS YOU THINK I AM.
TRUTH IS, I QUIT HIGH
SCHOOL PREMATURELY...
BEFORE I EVER GOT IN.
I WAS AFRAID I WASN'T
HIGH SCHOOL MATERIAL.
- WHAT... WHAT
CHANGED YOUR MIND?
- EARL.
- WHO'S... WHO'S EARL?
- A CONTESTANT ON JEOPARDY.
HE LOST BIG. HE CHANGED MY LIFE.
- HOW?
- WELL, I WOULD'VE CREAMED
HIM BY THREE POINTS.
THAT INSPIRED ME TO SIGN UP
FOR THIS HIGH SCHOOL
EQUIVALENCY REFRESHER COURSE.
THE TEST IS IN TWO WEEKS.
- WELL, A MIND IS A
TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.
WHAT... WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- COVER FOR ME WITH MY BROTHERS.
I DON'T WANT 'EM TO
KNOW I'M IN SCHOOL.
- WELL, I'D THINK THEY'D
BE PROUD OF YOU.
- YOU'D BE WRONG.
THEY KIND OF FROWN
ON HIGHER EDUCATION,
LIKE WHEN I DREW
TIPPY THE TURTLE
TO TRY TO GET INTO THAT
SEND-AWAY ART SCHOOL,
THEY CALLED ME "UPPITY."
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
ON THE BUSINESS END
OF THEIR BITING SARCASM.
WELL, HEH, MAYBE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
- WELL, IF... IF THE
DARRYLS COME AROUND,
I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE
WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR ME.
- OOOH, YOU'RE SLICK!
BUT WATCH OUT.
DARRYL CAN PRY THE
TRUTH OUT OF A STONE.
DID YOU GET THE CHAINSAW?
DID YOU LOOK EVERYWHERE?
WELL, WHERE IN
TARNATION... WELL, I'LL BE!
I HAD IT HERE ALL ALONG.
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
ALREADY THE ZINGERS ARE FLYIN'.
(music playing)
- DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THE
NEW VERMONT TOUR GUIDE?
THEY TOOK AWAY ONE
OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.
- NO KIDDING.
- LAST YEAR WE WERE A
THREE-MAPLE-LEAF INN.
THIS YEAR WE'VE ONLY GOT TWO.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
WE'VE BEEN DEFOLIATED.
WE CAN'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.
- WE CAN GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
BREAKING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES
AND DRAWING MAPLE
LEAVES IN THEIR BOOKS.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
- FINE, DICK.
WELL, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO
TO OUR TWO-MAPLE-LEAF KITCHEN
AND WHIP UP A CROCK OF SWILL.
- HI. HI GUYS.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE PROBABLY...
PROBABLY LOOKING FOR LARRY.
UH, AS HE MAY HAVE
MENTIONED TO YOU, HE'S...
HE'S WORKING ON
A PROJECT FOR ME.
WELL HE IS.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S FOR A BOOK.
AS YOU KNOW, I'M A WRITER.
WELL, I AM.
I'M DOING A BOOK ON
UFOS IN NEW ENGLAND
AND I HIRED LARRY TO
PHOTOGRAPH THE UFOS.
THEY... THEY COME
OUT AT NIGHT...
MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS,
AND FRIDAYS...
BETWEEN EIGHT AND TEN.
YOU'RE PROBABLY...
PROBABLY WONDERING WHY
I DIDN'T ASK YOU
TWO TO HELP OUT.
THAT'S... THAT'S
BECAUSE UF... UFOS ARE...
ARE TERRIFIED OF TRIOS.
(door closes)
(music playing)
- HONEY, I KEPT
THINKING ALL NIGHT
ABOUT THE WAY THE
VERMONT TOUR GUIDE
ROBBED US OF A MAPLE LEAF,
AND I'VE WRITTEN A LETTER.
- "DEAR SIRS, WITH ALL RESPECT,
WE BELIEVE YOUR REVIEW
OF OUR INN IS UNFAIR.
NEXT TIME YOU HIRE A CRITIC,
CHECK FIRST TO SEE
IF HE'S BRAIN-DEAD."
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- YOU HAVEN'T MAILED
THIS YET, HAVE YOU?
- NO.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I
HAVE A FEW NOTES.
- I DICTATED IT OVER THE
PHONE AS A MAILGRAM.
- THEN I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD.
- IS THAT A CHIP IN THAT CUP?
- YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YEAH"?
WE CAN'T HAVE A DINING ROOM
FULL OF DAMAGED CROCKERY.
IS THAT A CRACK?
- NO, NO! IT'S FINE.
- MISS, THIS
CANTALOUPE ISN'T RIPE.
- I'M A WAITRESS,
NOT A BARTENDER.
DON'T TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.
(clattering)
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WAY
STEPHANIE JUST
TREATED THAT GUEST?
- WELL, IT DIDN'T COME
AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE.
- EXCUSE ME, I
HATE TO INTERRUPT,
BUT ONLY TWO POSITIONS
OF OUR THREE-WAY
LIGHT BULB ARE WORKING.
- MY GOD, THIS PLACE
IS A FLOPHOUSE!
- MORNING, EVERYBODY.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY.
- GEORGE, I WANT YOU TO REPLACE
THE THREE-WAY LIGHT
BULB IN ROOM SEVEN,
RE-TACK THE CARPETING
ON THE STAIRS,
AND FLUSH OUT ALL THE
RADIATORS SO THEY DON'T KNOCK.
- BOY, A DAY CAN SURE
TURN ON YOU FAST.
- AND, STEPHANIE,
AFTER BREAKFAST,
I'LL HAVE A LIST OF
CHORES FOR YOU
FOLLOWED BY A DISCUSSION OF
YOUR BEING RUDE TO THE GUESTS.
- HE STARTED IT!
- I'M GONNA GIVE THIS
WHOLE INN THE ONCE-OVER.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
- HI. HI GUYS.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S UP?
"UFOS AND YOU."
WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT?
"UFOS HAVE BEEN
SPOTTED BY AS FEW AS ONE
AND AS MANY AS TEN
THOUSAND PERSONS."
AH, AND... AND I SAID THEY
WERE AFRAID OF TRIOS.
WELL, THEY... THEY ARE.
IT'S ONLY THAT MAGIC NUMBER
THREE THAT SPOOKS 'EM.
"THIS FAMILY OF THREE
WAS TAKEN FOR A RIDE ON A UFO."
WELL, YOU CAN'T COUNT THE BABY.
IT HAS... HAS TO
BE THREE ADULTS.
"THREE ANGRY STEELWORKERS..."
WELL, NOW STEELWORKERS...
OKAY, HE'S GOING TO
NIGHT SCHOOL. OKAY?
- PSST!
WERE THEY TRYIN' TO DETERMINE
MY NOCTURNAL WHEREABOUTS?
- YEAH.
- WELL, I REALLY WANNA
THANK YOU MORE THAN EVER
FOR KEEPIN' MY SECRET
'CAUSE IF THEY KNEW
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT,
THEY'D BE ON ME
LIKE DROOL ON A BABY.
- WHAT... WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
- I QUIT SCHOOL.
- "UFOS ARE AFRAID OF TRIOS"?
IS THAT THE BEST YOU
COULD COME UP WITH?
- YEAH.
- WELL, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD.
THOSE TWO COULD
GET RAMBO TO BABBLE.
- LOOK, LARRY, WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
WHY... WHY'D YOU QUIT SCHOOL?
- WELL, IT STARTED
OFF GOOD ENOUGH.
I WAS SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED
TO FIND A PIECE OF
COMPLIMENTARY GUM UNDER MY SEAT.
NEXT THING I KNOW,
EVERYBODY'S LAUGHIN' AT ME,
SO I HIGHTAILED IT.
I CAN GET THAT KIND OF
TREATMENT FROM DARRYL.
- THAT'S NO REASON TO QUIT.
- ON TOP OF THAT, I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND THE LESSON.
IT'S CLEAR TO ME MY
BRAIN DON'T TAKE UP
THE FULL SPACE MY
HEAD HAS ALLOTTED.
- LARRY,
SUPPOSE I TUTOR YOU?
- NO WAY. NOT IF THAT
MEANS WHAT I THINK IT DOES.
- IT MEANS I'LL HELP YOU STUDY
AND GET THAT HIGH
SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
- OH. OKAY.
- STEPHANIE?
- JOANNA, PLEASE
DON'T MAKE ME WAX,
DUST, OR POLISH ANYTHING ELSE.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE
BUT I'M ALMOST TIRED OF
GAZING AT MY OWN REFLECTION.
- I'M SORRY BUT THE PORCH
LANTERNS ARE TARNISHED.
- THEY'RE ANTIQUES!
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK YUCKY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.
- THE EARTH IS MADE UP
OF SEVEN CONTINENTS,
EUROPE, ANTARCTICA,
ASIA, AFRICA, AUSTRALIA,
NORTH AMERICA,
AND SOUTH AMERICA.
- HOW'LL I GONNA CRAM ALL
THIS INTO ONE TEMPORAL LOBE.
- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
LUCKY I'M HERE.
WHEN I WAS A KID, I CAME
UP WITH A LITTLE TRICK.
"EAT AN ASPIRIN AFTER
A NIGHT-TIME SNACK."
I CAN EXPLAIN.
- DICK, IS THIS A GOOD TIME
TO SAND, STAIN, VARNISH,
AND WAX THE FLOOR?
- NO, GEORGE.
- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
WALLPAPER THE BATHROOM THEN.
STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.
- LARRY, IT'S THE INITIALS.
EACH LETTER STANDS
FOR A CONTINENT, EUROPE,
ANTARCTICA, ASIA,
AFRICA, AUSTRALIA,
NORTH AMERICA, SOUTH AMERICA.
- DO YOU SUPPOSE MISS
JOANNA'D BE FREE TO TUTOR ME?
- LARRY, GIVE IT A CHANCE.
- DARRYL, WHAT
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
MY LUNCH.
THANKS.
MMM, SMELLS...
ALL RIGHT, GET OUT.
YOU HAD YOUR FUN.
- WHAT IS IT?
- TURTLE SOUP, AN
OBVIOUS REFERENCE
TO THE TIPPY INCIDENT.
(music playing)
- OH, DICK COULD YOU HELP ME
LOOK AT THESE FABRIC SWATCHES
FOR THE JAMES MADISON ROOM?
- HONEY, CAN IT WAIT?
LARRY'S AT SCHOOL
TAKING HIS TEST
AND I FEEL LIKE AN
EXPECTANT FATHER.
I JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T COME
BACK WITH A BOUNCING BABY "F."
- IS THAT ALL YOU
CAN THINK ABOUT?
GRADES, GRADES, GRADES?
WE'VE GOT MAPLE
LEAVES TO WORRY ABOUT.
- LARRY, HOW'D YOU DO?
- WELL, TEACHER DID SAY
HE WAS GRADIN' ON A CURVE,
BUT SINCE I ANSWERED
ZERO OUT OF A HUNDRED,
I EXPECT TO WIND UP
CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM.
DANG.
AT LEAST ON JEOPARDY
I WOULD'VE COME HOME
WITH SOME LOVELY PARTING GIFTS.
- YOU FAILED?
BUT YOU KNEW THE MATERIAL
WHEN WE TALKED IT THROUGH.
- YEAH, DOIN' IT THAT WAY
SEEMED TO COME AS NATURAL
AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR TOES,
BUT WHEN I TRIED TO WRITE,
NONE OF THAT KNOWLEDGE
MADE IT TO MY PENCIL.
- COME ON. I WANNA
TALK TO YOUR TEACHER.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T
DO ANYTHING TO UPSET HIM.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO HURT MY GRADE.
(music playing)
- LARRY, YOU... YOU WAIT HERE.
- HI, I'M... I'M DICK LAUDEN.
- PAUL STUBIN.
- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT LARRY'S TEST.
I'M HIS TUTOR.
- OH, REALLY?
OH, YOU DID A GOOD JOB.
- I... I WONDER IF
YOU'D CONSIDER
GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
HE KNOWS THE MATERIAL.
WE WENT OVER IT RATHER
CONVERSATIONALLY
AND THAT COMES AS NATURAL
TO HIM AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR...
IT COME... IT COMES
REAL NATURAL TO HIM.
- I'M SORRY. I CAN'T
TEST HIM TWICE.
WE HAVE RULES.
- WELL, SOMETIMES YOU
HAVE TO BEND THE RULES
FOR SPECIAL STUDENTS.
TAKE EINSTEIN.
(snickers)
- JUST A MOMENT.
ARE YOU COMPARING
LARRY WITH EINSTEIN?
- WELL, I... I WOULDN'T
WANT LARRY
WORKING WITH
SUBATOMIC PARTICLES.
I MEAN, EINSTEIN DIDN'T FIT
INTO THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM
AND NEITHER DOES LARRY.
- YOU CLAIM HE
KNOWS THE MATERIAL?
- HEY, I'M HIS TUTOR.
- ALL RIGHT. I'LL RETEST HIM.
- UM, ORALLY?
- ALRIGHT. ORALLY.
- ONE MORE THING.
UH, COULD YOU MAKE IT
SOUND LIKE JEOPARDY?
- JEOPARDY?
- THE... THE GAME SHOW.
THAT'S THE ONE WHERE
THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GIVE
THEM THE... THE QUESTION.
- OH, WHAT THE HECK?
IT'LL BE A GREAT STORY
FOR THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.
- LARRY, COME ON DOWN.
- OKAY, LARRY. I'M GONNA
RE-TEST YOU ORALLY.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER, BUT...
- OH, LIKE JEOPARDY.
I'LL TAKE "FOREST
CREATURES" FOR 100.
(clears throat)
- UM, THIS IS MY CLASSROOM.
I'LL PICK THE CATEGORIES.
AMERICAN HISTORY,
GEOGRAPHY, MATHEMATICS,
SCIENCE, AND LITERATURE.
- I'LL TAKE "AMERICAN HISTORY"
FOR 200, PAUL.
- THIS... THIS IS
REALLY NICE OF YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. AMERICAN
HISTORY FOR 200.
"EVENT COMMEMORATED
EVERY DECEMBER 7TH."
- WHAT IS "18 SHOPPING
DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS"?
- NO, NO. I WAS TALKING ABOUT
THE ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR.
- HE WAS SORT OF RIGHT.
- "SORT OF RIGHT"
DOESN'T WIN ON
JEOPARDY, MR. LAUDEN.
- WHAT IS THE COTTON GIN?
- CORRECT FOR 500.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S RECAP.
SO FAR, LARRY, YOU HAVE
A BORDERLINE D AVERAGE.
YOU GET THE NEXT ONE
RIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE A C MINUS,
BUT IF YOU MISS
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
SEND YOU HOME EMPTY-HANDED.
ARE YOU READY, LARRY?
- READY, PAUL.
- THE CATEGORY
IS SCIENCE FOR 500.
HERE IS YOUR ANSWER.
"THREE THINGS THAT
PLANTS AND ANIMALS CAN DO
THAT NON-LIVING THINGS CANNOT."
- WHAT IS GOIN'
FROM HERE TO THERE?
- MOVEMENT! THAT'S CORRECT.
- WHAT IS CHOWING DOWN?
- NOURISH THEMSELVES.
CORRECT! ONE MORE, LARRY.
- WHAT IS PARTYING?
- OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
THE CORRECT QUESTION
IS "WHAT IS REPRODUCTION."
- I SAID "PARTYING."
- ONE... ONE MAN'S PARTYING IS
ANOTHER MAN'S REPRODUCTION.
- I'M SORRY, LARRY, BUT
YOUR FINAL GRADE IS AN F.
BUT WE THANK YOU FOR COMING.
YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD SPORT.
GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.
- WAIT. WAIT, UH, WHAT...
WHAT ABOUT FINAL JEOPARDY?
- FINAL JEOPARDY?
- YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I CAN
TURN AN F INTO A DIPLOMA
BY BETTIN' THE WHOLE BALL
OF WAX ON ONE QUESTION.
- YOU CAN?
- LOOK, WE... WE DIDN'T
MAKE UP THESE RULES.
- OKAY.
OKAY, THE CATEGORY IS GEOGRAPHY.
- HMM.
- ALL RIGHT, LARRY, FOR A D
AND A HIGH SCHOOL
EQUIVALENCY DIPLOMA,
YOUR ANSWER IS...
THE NAMES OF THE SEVEN
CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD.
- OH, WAIT. I KNOW THIS ONE.
"TAKE AN ASPIRIN?"
"CHEW A PILL"?
IT AIN'T COMIN'.
WELL, THIS AIN'T LIKE
FINAL JEOPARDY AT ALL.
(clock ticking)
ALL RIGHT.
"EAT A PILL"?
"STARVE A FEVER"?
- THIS HAS TO STOP SOON.
I NEVER WORE OUT
A HAMMER BEFORE.
- MY ONLY PLEASURE IS IMAGINING
THAT EVERY STROKE OF THE RAG
IS PUTTING ANOTHER
LINE ON JOANNA'S FACE.
- ACTUALLY, THAT'S HOW
I WORE OUT THE HAMMER.
(door opens)
- AS LONG AS YOU TWO
ARE HIDING IN THERE,
THE FLOOR NEEDS SCRUBBING
AND THE FLUE IS
STUCK IN THE FIREPLACE.
Stephanie: YES, NURSE RATCHED.
- EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU MRS. LAUDEN?
- YES, CAN I HELP YOU?
- YEAH, WELL, I'M ALAN WOODALL,
THE REVIEWER FOR THE
VERMONT TOUR GUIDE.
I BELIEVE YOU KNOW
ME AS "BRAIN DEAD."
- WELL, MR. WOODALL,
YOU DID TAKE AWAY
ONE OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.
- I DID?
- HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
TWO MAPLE LEAVES.
- YEAH, THAT'S TWO
MAPLE LEAVES ALL RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR INN.
THAT'S THE PARK & SNOOZE.
- HUH?
- YEAH, YOU SEE?
YOU WERE READIN'
THE WRONG COLUMN.
HERE, LOOK. LOOK.
"THE PARK & SNOOZE:
TWO MAPLE LEAVES.
THE STRATFORD,
THREE MAPLE LEAVES."
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
- YEAH. WHO'S GOT
DEAD BRAINS NOW?
- OH, MR. WOODALL,
I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
PLEASE STAY HERE
TONIGHT, OUR TREAT, FREE.
- NO THANK YOU.
THERE'S A FOUR-MAPLE-LEAF
INN DOWN THE ROAD.
(laughing)
- HI, HONEY.
- DICK, LARRY, HOW'D IT GO?
- HI.
I'M LARRY, HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
- LARRY!
CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.
SORRY I COULDN'T REMEMBER
THEM SEVEN CONTINENTS YOUR WAY.
I CAN ONLY SEEM TO LEARN
THEM IN DESCENDING ORDER
OF GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT.
DARRYL, I WON'T KEEP YOU
TWO HANGIN' ON MEAT HOOKS.
I PASSED.
- OH, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS TOO.
IT TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN READING
THE VERMONT TOUR GUIDE
ALL WRONG. WE HAD THREE
MAPLE LEAVES ALL ALONG.
- WELL, THANK GOODNESS
YOU DIDN'T GET ALL
WORKED UP OVER IT.
(clanking)
(gasps)
- I'D BETTER
TELL GEORGE AND STEPHANIE.
AT LEAST THEY WON'T
HAVE TO DO ANY MORE WORK.
- IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU FELLAS
HAVE SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME.
BUT WHAT IF I'D FAILED?
- WELL, I TOLD THEM.
I MUST SAY, THEY
BOTH TOOK IT BETTER
THAN I EXPECTED THEY WOULD.
(theme music playing)
Man's voice: MEOW.
- HI. I'M LARRY, THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARRYL.
- HI. HI, GUYS.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S UP?
- WE'RE RETURNING YOUR CHAINSAW.
- OH, THANKS.
WHERE... WHERE IS IT?
- OH, DEAR. WE MUST'VE
LEFT IT AT THE CAFE.
DARRYL?
AND DON'T BE PLAYIN'
"LET'S SEE IF IT'LL CUT THIS"
ON THE WAY BACK.
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I JUST WANTED TO
GET RID OF DARRYL
SO WE COULD BE ALONE.
- UH, WHY?
- I'M GOIN' BACK TO SCHOOL.
- OH.
- I'M PROBABLY NOT AS
EDUCATED AS YOU THINK I AM.
TRUTH IS, I QUIT HIGH
SCHOOL PREMATURELY...
BEFORE I EVER GOT IN.
I WAS AFRAID I WASN'T
HIGH SCHOOL MATERIAL.
- WHAT... WHAT
CHANGED YOUR MIND?
- EARL.
- WHO'S... WHO'S EARL?
- A CONTESTANT ON JEOPARDY.
HE LOST BIG. HE CHANGED MY LIFE.
- HOW?
- WELL, I WOULD'VE CREAMED
HIM BY THREE POINTS.
THAT INSPIRED ME TO SIGN UP
FOR THIS HIGH SCHOOL
EQUIVALENCY REFRESHER COURSE.
THE TEST IS IN TWO WEEKS.
- WELL, A MIND IS A
TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.
WHAT... WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- COVER FOR ME WITH MY BROTHERS.
I DON'T WANT 'EM TO
KNOW I'M IN SCHOOL.
- WELL, I'D THINK THEY'D
BE PROUD OF YOU.
- YOU'D BE WRONG.
THEY KIND OF FROWN
ON HIGHER EDUCATION,
LIKE WHEN I DREW
TIPPY THE TURTLE
TO TRY TO GET INTO THAT
SEND-AWAY ART SCHOOL,
THEY CALLED ME "UPPITY."
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
ON THE BUSINESS END
OF THEIR BITING SARCASM.
WELL, HEH, MAYBE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
- WELL, IF... IF THE
DARRYLS COME AROUND,
I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE
WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR ME.
- OOOH, YOU'RE SLICK!
BUT WATCH OUT.
DARRYL CAN PRY THE
TRUTH OUT OF A STONE.
DID YOU GET THE CHAINSAW?
DID YOU LOOK EVERYWHERE?
WELL, WHERE IN
TARNATION... WELL, I'LL BE!
I HAD IT HERE ALL ALONG.
WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
ALREADY THE ZINGERS ARE FLYIN'.
(music playing)
- DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THE
NEW VERMONT TOUR GUIDE?
THEY TOOK AWAY ONE
OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.
- NO KIDDING.
- LAST YEAR WE WERE A
THREE-MAPLE-LEAF INN.
THIS YEAR WE'VE ONLY GOT TWO.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
WE'VE BEEN DEFOLIATED.
WE CAN'T TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.
- WE CAN GO ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
BREAKING INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES
AND DRAWING MAPLE
LEAVES IN THEIR BOOKS.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,
THERE'S NOT MUCH
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
- FINE, DICK.
WELL, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO
TO OUR TWO-MAPLE-LEAF KITCHEN
AND WHIP UP A CROCK OF SWILL.
- HI. HI GUYS.
YOU'RE... YOU'RE PROBABLY...
PROBABLY LOOKING FOR LARRY.
UH, AS HE MAY HAVE
MENTIONED TO YOU, HE'S...
HE'S WORKING ON
A PROJECT FOR ME.
WELL HE IS.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S FOR A BOOK.
AS YOU KNOW, I'M A WRITER.
WELL, I AM.
I'M DOING A BOOK ON
UFOS IN NEW ENGLAND
AND I HIRED LARRY TO
PHOTOGRAPH THE UFOS.
THEY... THEY COME
OUT AT NIGHT...
MONDAYS, WEDNESDAYS,
AND FRIDAYS...
BETWEEN EIGHT AND TEN.
YOU'RE PROBABLY...
PROBABLY WONDERING WHY
I DIDN'T ASK YOU
TWO TO HELP OUT.
THAT'S... THAT'S
BECAUSE UF... UFOS ARE...
ARE TERRIFIED OF TRIOS.
(door closes)
(music playing)
- HONEY, I KEPT
THINKING ALL NIGHT
ABOUT THE WAY THE
VERMONT TOUR GUIDE
ROBBED US OF A MAPLE LEAF,
AND I'VE WRITTEN A LETTER.
- "DEAR SIRS, WITH ALL RESPECT,
WE BELIEVE YOUR REVIEW
OF OUR INN IS UNFAIR.
NEXT TIME YOU HIRE A CRITIC,
CHECK FIRST TO SEE
IF HE'S BRAIN-DEAD."
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- YOU HAVEN'T MAILED
THIS YET, HAVE YOU?
- NO.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I
HAVE A FEW NOTES.
- I DICTATED IT OVER THE
PHONE AS A MAILGRAM.
- THEN I WOULDN'T CHANGE A WORD.
- IS THAT A CHIP IN THAT CUP?
- YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YEAH"?
WE CAN'T HAVE A DINING ROOM
FULL OF DAMAGED CROCKERY.
IS THAT A CRACK?
- NO, NO! IT'S FINE.
- MISS, THIS
CANTALOUPE ISN'T RIPE.
- I'M A WAITRESS,
NOT A BARTENDER.
DON'T TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.
(clattering)
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WAY
STEPHANIE JUST
TREATED THAT GUEST?
- WELL, IT DIDN'T COME
AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE.
- EXCUSE ME, I
HATE TO INTERRUPT,
BUT ONLY TWO POSITIONS
OF OUR THREE-WAY
LIGHT BULB ARE WORKING.
- MY GOD, THIS PLACE
IS A FLOPHOUSE!
- MORNING, EVERYBODY.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY.
- GEORGE, I WANT YOU TO REPLACE
THE THREE-WAY LIGHT
BULB IN ROOM SEVEN,
RE-TACK THE CARPETING
ON THE STAIRS,
AND FLUSH OUT ALL THE
RADIATORS SO THEY DON'T KNOCK.
- BOY, A DAY CAN SURE
TURN ON YOU FAST.
- AND, STEPHANIE,
AFTER BREAKFAST,
I'LL HAVE A LIST OF
CHORES FOR YOU
FOLLOWED BY A DISCUSSION OF
YOUR BEING RUDE TO THE GUESTS.
- HE STARTED IT!
- I'M GONNA GIVE THIS
WHOLE INN THE ONCE-OVER.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
- HI. HI GUYS.
WHAT'S... WHAT'S UP?
"UFOS AND YOU."
WELL, WHAT ABOUT IT?
"UFOS HAVE BEEN
SPOTTED BY AS FEW AS ONE
AND AS MANY AS TEN
THOUSAND PERSONS."
AH, AND... AND I SAID THEY
WERE AFRAID OF TRIOS.
WELL, THEY... THEY ARE.
IT'S ONLY THAT MAGIC NUMBER
THREE THAT SPOOKS 'EM.
"THIS FAMILY OF THREE
WAS TAKEN FOR A RIDE ON A UFO."
WELL, YOU CAN'T COUNT THE BABY.
IT HAS... HAS TO
BE THREE ADULTS.
"THREE ANGRY STEELWORKERS..."
WELL, NOW STEELWORKERS...
OKAY, HE'S GOING TO
NIGHT SCHOOL. OKAY?
- PSST!
WERE THEY TRYIN' TO DETERMINE
MY NOCTURNAL WHEREABOUTS?
- YEAH.
- WELL, I REALLY WANNA
THANK YOU MORE THAN EVER
FOR KEEPIN' MY SECRET
'CAUSE IF THEY KNEW
WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT,
THEY'D BE ON ME
LIKE DROOL ON A BABY.
- WHAT... WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
- I QUIT SCHOOL.
- "UFOS ARE AFRAID OF TRIOS"?
IS THAT THE BEST YOU
COULD COME UP WITH?
- YEAH.
- WELL, DON'T FEEL TOO BAD.
THOSE TWO COULD
GET RAMBO TO BABBLE.
- LOOK, LARRY, WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?
WHY... WHY'D YOU QUIT SCHOOL?
- WELL, IT STARTED
OFF GOOD ENOUGH.
I WAS SURPRISED AND DELIGHTED
TO FIND A PIECE OF
COMPLIMENTARY GUM UNDER MY SEAT.
NEXT THING I KNOW,
EVERYBODY'S LAUGHIN' AT ME,
SO I HIGHTAILED IT.
I CAN GET THAT KIND OF
TREATMENT FROM DARRYL.
- THAT'S NO REASON TO QUIT.
- ON TOP OF THAT, I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND THE LESSON.
IT'S CLEAR TO ME MY
BRAIN DON'T TAKE UP
THE FULL SPACE MY
HEAD HAS ALLOTTED.
- LARRY,
SUPPOSE I TUTOR YOU?
- NO WAY. NOT IF THAT
MEANS WHAT I THINK IT DOES.
- IT MEANS I'LL HELP YOU STUDY
AND GET THAT HIGH
SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
- OH. OKAY.
- STEPHANIE?
- JOANNA, PLEASE
DON'T MAKE ME WAX,
DUST, OR POLISH ANYTHING ELSE.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE
BUT I'M ALMOST TIRED OF
GAZING AT MY OWN REFLECTION.
- I'M SORRY BUT THE PORCH
LANTERNS ARE TARNISHED.
- THEY'RE ANTIQUES!
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK YUCKY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.
- THE EARTH IS MADE UP
OF SEVEN CONTINENTS,
EUROPE, ANTARCTICA,
ASIA, AFRICA, AUSTRALIA,
NORTH AMERICA,
AND SOUTH AMERICA.
- HOW'LL I GONNA CRAM ALL
THIS INTO ONE TEMPORAL LOBE.
- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
LUCKY I'M HERE.
WHEN I WAS A KID, I CAME
UP WITH A LITTLE TRICK.
"EAT AN ASPIRIN AFTER
A NIGHT-TIME SNACK."
I CAN EXPLAIN.
- DICK, IS THIS A GOOD TIME
TO SAND, STAIN, VARNISH,
AND WAX THE FLOOR?
- NO, GEORGE.
- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
WALLPAPER THE BATHROOM THEN.
STUPID, STUPID MAPLE LEAF.
- LARRY, IT'S THE INITIALS.
EACH LETTER STANDS
FOR A CONTINENT, EUROPE,
ANTARCTICA, ASIA,
AFRICA, AUSTRALIA,
NORTH AMERICA, SOUTH AMERICA.
- DO YOU SUPPOSE MISS
JOANNA'D BE FREE TO TUTOR ME?
- LARRY, GIVE IT A CHANCE.
- DARRYL, WHAT
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
MY LUNCH.
THANKS.
MMM, SMELLS...
ALL RIGHT, GET OUT.
YOU HAD YOUR FUN.
- WHAT IS IT?
- TURTLE SOUP, AN
OBVIOUS REFERENCE
TO THE TIPPY INCIDENT.
(music playing)
- OH, DICK COULD YOU HELP ME
LOOK AT THESE FABRIC SWATCHES
FOR THE JAMES MADISON ROOM?
- HONEY, CAN IT WAIT?
LARRY'S AT SCHOOL
TAKING HIS TEST
AND I FEEL LIKE AN
EXPECTANT FATHER.
I JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T COME
BACK WITH A BOUNCING BABY "F."
- IS THAT ALL YOU
CAN THINK ABOUT?
GRADES, GRADES, GRADES?
WE'VE GOT MAPLE
LEAVES TO WORRY ABOUT.
- LARRY, HOW'D YOU DO?
- WELL, TEACHER DID SAY
HE WAS GRADIN' ON A CURVE,
BUT SINCE I ANSWERED
ZERO OUT OF A HUNDRED,
I EXPECT TO WIND UP
CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM.
DANG.
AT LEAST ON JEOPARDY
I WOULD'VE COME HOME
WITH SOME LOVELY PARTING GIFTS.
- YOU FAILED?
BUT YOU KNEW THE MATERIAL
WHEN WE TALKED IT THROUGH.
- YEAH, DOIN' IT THAT WAY
SEEMED TO COME AS NATURAL
AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR TOES,
BUT WHEN I TRIED TO WRITE,
NONE OF THAT KNOWLEDGE
MADE IT TO MY PENCIL.
- COME ON. I WANNA
TALK TO YOUR TEACHER.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T
DO ANYTHING TO UPSET HIM.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO HURT MY GRADE.
(music playing)
- LARRY, YOU... YOU WAIT HERE.
- HI, I'M... I'M DICK LAUDEN.
- PAUL STUBIN.
- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT LARRY'S TEST.
I'M HIS TUTOR.
- OH, REALLY?
OH, YOU DID A GOOD JOB.
- I... I WONDER IF
YOU'D CONSIDER
GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
HE KNOWS THE MATERIAL.
WE WENT OVER IT RATHER
CONVERSATIONALLY
AND THAT COMES AS NATURAL
TO HIM AS STUFF BETWEEN YOUR...
IT COME... IT COMES
REAL NATURAL TO HIM.
- I'M SORRY. I CAN'T
TEST HIM TWICE.
WE HAVE RULES.
- WELL, SOMETIMES YOU
HAVE TO BEND THE RULES
FOR SPECIAL STUDENTS.
TAKE EINSTEIN.
(snickers)
- JUST A MOMENT.
ARE YOU COMPARING
LARRY WITH EINSTEIN?
- WELL, I... I WOULDN'T
WANT LARRY
WORKING WITH
SUBATOMIC PARTICLES.
I MEAN, EINSTEIN DIDN'T FIT
INTO THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM
AND NEITHER DOES LARRY.
- YOU CLAIM HE
KNOWS THE MATERIAL?
- HEY, I'M HIS TUTOR.
- ALL RIGHT. I'LL RETEST HIM.
- UM, ORALLY?
- ALRIGHT. ORALLY.
- ONE MORE THING.
UH, COULD YOU MAKE IT
SOUND LIKE JEOPARDY?
- JEOPARDY?
- THE... THE GAME SHOW.
THAT'S THE ONE WHERE
THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWER
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GIVE
THEM THE... THE QUESTION.
- OH, WHAT THE HECK?
IT'LL BE A GREAT STORY
FOR THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.
- LARRY, COME ON DOWN.
- OKAY, LARRY. I'M GONNA
RE-TEST YOU ORALLY.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER, BUT...
- OH, LIKE JEOPARDY.
I'LL TAKE "FOREST
CREATURES" FOR 100.
(clears throat)
- UM, THIS IS MY CLASSROOM.
I'LL PICK THE CATEGORIES.
AMERICAN HISTORY,
GEOGRAPHY, MATHEMATICS,
SCIENCE, AND LITERATURE.
- I'LL TAKE "AMERICAN HISTORY"
FOR 200, PAUL.
- THIS... THIS IS
REALLY NICE OF YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. AMERICAN
HISTORY FOR 200.
"EVENT COMMEMORATED
EVERY DECEMBER 7TH."
- WHAT IS "18 SHOPPING
DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS"?
- NO, NO. I WAS TALKING ABOUT
THE ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR.
- HE WAS SORT OF RIGHT.
- "SORT OF RIGHT"
DOESN'T WIN ON
JEOPARDY, MR. LAUDEN.
- WHAT IS THE COTTON GIN?
- CORRECT FOR 500.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S RECAP.
SO FAR, LARRY, YOU HAVE
A BORDERLINE D AVERAGE.
YOU GET THE NEXT ONE
RIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE A C MINUS,
BUT IF YOU MISS
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
SEND YOU HOME EMPTY-HANDED.
ARE YOU READY, LARRY?
- READY, PAUL.
- THE CATEGORY
IS SCIENCE FOR 500.
HERE IS YOUR ANSWER.
"THREE THINGS THAT
PLANTS AND ANIMALS CAN DO
THAT NON-LIVING THINGS CANNOT."
- WHAT IS GOIN'
FROM HERE TO THERE?
- MOVEMENT! THAT'S CORRECT.
- WHAT IS CHOWING DOWN?
- NOURISH THEMSELVES.
CORRECT! ONE MORE, LARRY.
- WHAT IS PARTYING?
- OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
THE CORRECT QUESTION
IS "WHAT IS REPRODUCTION."
- I SAID "PARTYING."
- ONE... ONE MAN'S PARTYING IS
ANOTHER MAN'S REPRODUCTION.
- I'M SORRY, LARRY, BUT
YOUR FINAL GRADE IS AN F.
BUT WE THANK YOU FOR COMING.
YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD SPORT.
GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.
- WAIT. WAIT, UH, WHAT...
WHAT ABOUT FINAL JEOPARDY?
- FINAL JEOPARDY?
- YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I CAN
TURN AN F INTO A DIPLOMA
BY BETTIN' THE WHOLE BALL
OF WAX ON ONE QUESTION.
- YOU CAN?
- LOOK, WE... WE DIDN'T
MAKE UP THESE RULES.
- OKAY.
OKAY, THE CATEGORY IS GEOGRAPHY.
- HMM.
- ALL RIGHT, LARRY, FOR A D
AND A HIGH SCHOOL
EQUIVALENCY DIPLOMA,
YOUR ANSWER IS...
THE NAMES OF THE SEVEN
CONTINENTS OF THE WORLD.
- OH, WAIT. I KNOW THIS ONE.
"TAKE AN ASPIRIN?"
"CHEW A PILL"?
IT AIN'T COMIN'.
WELL, THIS AIN'T LIKE
FINAL JEOPARDY AT ALL.
(clock ticking)
ALL RIGHT.
"EAT A PILL"?
"STARVE A FEVER"?
- THIS HAS TO STOP SOON.
I NEVER WORE OUT
A HAMMER BEFORE.
- MY ONLY PLEASURE IS IMAGINING
THAT EVERY STROKE OF THE RAG
IS PUTTING ANOTHER
LINE ON JOANNA'S FACE.
- ACTUALLY, THAT'S HOW
I WORE OUT THE HAMMER.
(door opens)
- AS LONG AS YOU TWO
ARE HIDING IN THERE,
THE FLOOR NEEDS SCRUBBING
AND THE FLUE IS
STUCK IN THE FIREPLACE.
Stephanie: YES, NURSE RATCHED.
- EXCUSE ME.
ARE YOU MRS. LAUDEN?
- YES, CAN I HELP YOU?
- YEAH, WELL, I'M ALAN WOODALL,
THE REVIEWER FOR THE
VERMONT TOUR GUIDE.
I BELIEVE YOU KNOW
ME AS "BRAIN DEAD."
- WELL, MR. WOODALL,
YOU DID TAKE AWAY
ONE OF OUR MAPLE LEAVES.
- I DID?
- HERE, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
TWO MAPLE LEAVES.
- YEAH, THAT'S TWO
MAPLE LEAVES ALL RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR INN.
THAT'S THE PARK & SNOOZE.
- HUH?
- YEAH, YOU SEE?
YOU WERE READIN'
THE WRONG COLUMN.
HERE, LOOK. LOOK.
"THE PARK & SNOOZE:
TWO MAPLE LEAVES.
THE STRATFORD,
THREE MAPLE LEAVES."
- OH, MY GOODNESS.
- YEAH. WHO'S GOT
DEAD BRAINS NOW?
- OH, MR. WOODALL,
I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
PLEASE STAY HERE
TONIGHT, OUR TREAT, FREE.
- NO THANK YOU.
THERE'S A FOUR-MAPLE-LEAF
INN DOWN THE ROAD.
(laughing)
- HI, HONEY.
- DICK, LARRY, HOW'D IT GO?
- HI.
I'M LARRY, HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
- LARRY!
CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANKS.
SORRY I COULDN'T REMEMBER
THEM SEVEN CONTINENTS YOUR WAY.
I CAN ONLY SEEM TO LEARN
THEM IN DESCENDING ORDER
OF GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT.
DARRYL, I WON'T KEEP YOU
TWO HANGIN' ON MEAT HOOKS.
I PASSED.
- OH, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS TOO.
IT TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN READING
THE VERMONT TOUR GUIDE
ALL WRONG. WE HAD THREE
MAPLE LEAVES ALL ALONG.
- WELL, THANK GOODNESS
YOU DIDN'T GET ALL
WORKED UP OVER IT.
(clanking)
(gasps)
- I'D BETTER
TELL GEORGE AND STEPHANIE.
AT LEAST THEY WON'T
HAVE TO DO ANY MORE WORK.
- IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU FELLAS
HAVE SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME.
BUT WHAT IF I'D FAILED?
- WELL, I TOLD THEM.
I MUST SAY, THEY
BOTH TOOK IT BETTER
THAN I EXPECTED THEY WOULD.
(theme music playing)
Man's voice: MEOW.