Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Way We Ought to Be - full transcript
(theme music playing)
- HI.
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?
- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
- DICK.
DARTS.
- YEAH. YEAH, I
FINALLY FOUND THEM.
THOSE ARE THOSE CUSTOM-MADE,
HAND-TOOLED BABIES
I USED TO USE IN COLLEGE WHEN
I WAS THE COLLEGE CHAMPION.
CHAMPION-SLASH-LEGEND.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I
HUNG THESE BABIES UP,
I WAS UNDEFEATED.
NOW I'M NEEDED AGAIN.
FOR WHAT?
- OH, THIS COMING THURSDAY
THE STATION IS HAVING
A BIG DART TOURNAMENT.
TOURNAMENT-SLASH-MASSACRE.
- AFTERNOON, STAR.
STAR'S BETTER HALF.
WHERE'S THAT LITTLE BLONDE
I LIKE TO CALL "STEPHANIE"?
- SHE'S IN THAT LITTLE PLACE
WE LIKE TO CALL "HER ROOM."
- STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE.
- DICK, I'M SETTING UP TEAMS
FOR THE DART TOURNAMENT.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD?
WHOA! BULLS-EYES BEWARE.
- DICK WAS A
CHAMPION IN COLLEGE.
- DICK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TEAMED YOU AND YOURS
TRULY ON THE SAME TEAM
WITH BEV DUTTON, THE
HEAD CHEESE AT WPIP?
- I'D SAY, "ARE YOU
AND BEV LUCKY."
- MICHAEL! GUESS WHAT.
JOANNA AND I ARE GOING
TO THE GRAND OPENING
OF THAT NEW FRENCH
RESTAURANT ON THURSDAY.
DO YOU WANT TO COME?
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO
DRESS UP AND BE SEEN WITH ME.
- OUCH.
THE STATION'S ANNUAL
DART TOURNEY IS THURSDAY.
- BUT, MICHAEL,
A GRAND OPENING
HAPPENS ONLY ONCE.
ANNUAL THINGS ARE,
LIKE, EVERY YEAR.
- BUT THIS IS BUSINESS, STEPH,
AND YOU HAVE JOANNA TO GO WITH.
WE CAN DATE EVERY NIGHT
RIGHT UP TO THE BAD ONE.
- WELL, I'LL TRY THAT,
BUT YOU'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
- THEN, RETRACT LIP.
LET'S GET OUT THERE AND DATE!
- YOUR TURN, BEV.
- I LOVE THESE TOURNAMENTS.
THE ONE TIME OF YEAR
WE CAN DROP THE
"EMPLOYER-EMPLOYEE" THING
AND JUST GET TOGETHER
LIKE OLD FRIENDS.
EIGHTY-FIVE!
EIGHTY-FIVE, BUD.
READ IT AND WEEP, BOZO.
WE'RE GONNA SMOKE THEIR BUTTS.
- LET'S NOT GET COCKY, BEV.
LET'S JUST LEAVE THEM FOR DEAD.
- HEY, DICK, THOSE LOOK NEAT.
CAN I USE 'EM TOO?
- OH, I'M SORRY, J.J.
THESE ARE SPECIALLY
BALANCED FOR MY HAND.
- FINE, DICK.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
ACT LIKE WE'RE FOUR
AND NOT SHARE OUR TOYS?
Bud: WHAT'D YA GET, DICK?
- UH, FIFTEEN.
- EXACTLY WHICH TEAM DID
YOU PLAN TO LEAVE FOR DEAD?
- FIFTEEN?
- I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S WRONG.
- DICK, DICK, MAYBE
YOU'RE TOO TENSE.
- YOUR TURN, MICHAEL.
- OH, YEAH. SURE.
SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, DICK,
I WANNA SEE SOME RELAXING
AND I WANNA SEE IT NOW.
- HOW'D YOU DO, MICHAEL?
- OH, UH... 128.
- GEEZ, THAT'S OVER
100 MORE THAN DICK.
- MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
WE'RE GONNA MOP UP THE
FLOOR WITH THEIR HEADS!
- WAIT... WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
I... I... I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I... I'VE NEVER WORN
A JACKET LIKE THIS
BEFORE PLAYING DARTS.
OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THAT'S...
THAT'S... THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
THE JACKET WAS...
WAS THE CULPRIT.
THE SHIRT WAS THE CULPRIT.
- TWENTY?
- IF HE SAYS HIS SHORTS
ARE THE CULPRIT, I'M LEAVING.
Michael: STEPH, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, THAT STUPID RESTAURANT
CANCELED ITS GRAND OPENING.
- STEPHANIE, THE
PLACE CAUGHT FIRE.
- POOR STEPH.
- WHEN YOU LEFT THE HOUSE,
YOU HAD CLOTHES ON, RIGHT?
- JOANNA, OBVIOUSLY YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND DARTS.
(singsong)
- I'M READY, LET'S GO.
- GO? BUT THIS IS
KIND OF IMPORTANT
AND YOU SAID I COULD
HAVE TONIGHT OFF.
- THAT WAS BEFORE I
HAD NOTHING TO DO.
- MICHAEL, IT'S YOUR TURN.
- UH, WE'LL GO SOMEPLACE
AS SOON AS THE
TOURNAMENT IS OVER.
- MICHAEL, YOU WANT ME TO WAIT?
IN A BASEMENT WHERE
PEOPLE ARE PERSPIRING?
WE'RE LEAVING.
- BUT, STEPH, I'M A HERO.
DICK WENT TO PIECES
AND I'M CARRYING THE DAY.
- MICHAEL, HOW DOES THE
THOUGHT OF DATING AIR
SOUND TO YOU?
- THANKS, EVERYBODY. I
HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
Bud: MICHAEL!
IT'S AMAZING HE
THROWS DARTS SO WELL
WITH NO SPINE.
(knocking)
- TAA-DAA!
- VERY GOOD, GEORGE.
- YEAH, I THOUGHT BULLS-EYES
WERE GONNA BE HARD TO GET,
BUT WITH THESE DARTS
OF YOURS, YOU CAN'T MISS.
UNLESS YOU'RE...
UNLESS YOU'RE
REAL GOOD LIKE YOU.
- WERE YOU... WERE YOU THROWING
FROM THE REGULATION DISTANCE?
SEVEN FEET, NINE AND
A QUARTER INCHES?
- WELL, SEE, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
I MUST'VE BEEN THROWING 15 FEET.
I'LL GO BACK AND DO IT RIGHT.
OH, AND JOANNA ASKED
ME TO REMIND YOU
THAT IT'S ATTIC CLEANING DAY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
YOU MEAN, I COMPLETELY
MISSED "ATTIC CLEANING EVE"?
- HI, GEORGE.
DICK, GOT A MINUTE?
- NO.
BECAUSE YOU LEFT LAST NIGHT,
I LOST MY FIRST DART
TOURNAMENT IN 17 YEARS
AND... AND THEN I HAD TO LISTEN
TO A TAUNTING CROWD CHANT
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT ALL OFF!"
- I KNOW, DICK.
I'M... I'M SORRY.
- YOU'RE WHAT?
- I'M SORRY.
I BEHAVED BADLY AND I'M NOT
GOING TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES.
- ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE WITH MICHAEL?
- DICK, I WAS MAD
WHEN STEPH MADE ME LEAVE
THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT
BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY.
THEN, IN THE RESTAURANT WHEN
THE CHAMPAGNE TICKLED HER NOSE
AND SHE WENT "OOH!"
ALL I COULD THINK WAS,
"I'M NOT LIKING YOU."
DICK, I'M SCARED.
I MEAN, THERE WAS
ONE TIME WHEN I...
I DIDN'T LIKE HER DRESS,
AND THERE WERE FOUR HUMID DAYS
WHERE I DIDN'T LIKE HER HAIR,
BUT I'VE NEVER NOT LIKED HER.
- WELL, MAYBE THE...
THE FIRST STEP IN GETTING
TO LIKE STEPHANIE AGAIN
IS NOT LETTING HER
WALK ALL OVER YOU LIKE...
LIKE LAST NIGHT.
- WELL, WHAT COULD I DO?
SHE WAS STAMPING
HER SIZE-FOUR FOOT.
- SO?
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
JOANNA STAMPS HER GUNBOATS?
- FIRST, IT ISN'T
LIKE JOANNA TO...
TO STAMP HER "GUNBOATS,"
AND IF SHE DID, THEN I'D HAVE TO
BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER.
- GEE, DICK.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
WANT TO BE YOU BEFORE.
- HONEY, I COULD USE
YOUR HELP IN THE ATTIC.
- NOT JUST NOW, DEAR.
- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING
THIS OFF FOR MONTHS.
WE REALLY SHOULD GET ON IT.
- I SAID, "NOT NOW."
GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN!
SORRY, MICHAEL. I USUALLY
TRY TO DO THAT IN PRIVATE.
- DICK, IF I SAID THAT TO STEPH,
SHE'D LEAVE ME AND
TAKE MY TONGUE WITH HER.
BUT I GUESS I'VE GOT
TO SAY SOMETHING.
- "GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN"?
- OKAY, LET'S HIT THAT
ATTIC, SWEETHEART.
- STEPH?
- MICHAEL!
- STEPH, YOU AND I HAVE TO TALK.
- YES, MICHAEL?
- BEFORE WE DO, COULD
YOU KISS ME AGAIN?
NO GOOSEBUMPS.
- WELL, THEY'RE
PROBABLY BUNCHED UP
UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES.
(Michael chuckling)
ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE THEY?
- STEPH, I'M REALLY SORRY
BUT EVER SINCE YOU MADE ME LEAVE
THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT,
I'M HAVING TROUBLE LIKING YOU.
- WELL, YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
- STEPH, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU RUN THIS RELATIONSHIP
AND I DON'T LIKE IT...
I THINK.
- WELL, THIS SOUNDS
LIKE A CRITICISM,
AND IF IT IS THERE ARE
PLENTY OF MEN OUT THERE
WHO WOULD LOVE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
- THIS IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF THING
I'M TALKING ABOUT, PRETTY MUCH.
IF I DON'T DO WHAT YOU WANT,
YOU THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.
I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THAT.
- OKAY, THIS IS
DEFINITELY A CRITICISM.
MICHAEL, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME
WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.
NOW, YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS
TO REWORD EVERYTHING YOU
JUST SAID INTO A COMPLIMENT.
- I CAN'T.
- YOU'RE UPSET. TAKE
ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS.
- STEPH, YOU'RE NOT
GIVING ME ANY CHOICE.
I CAN'T KEEP ON BEING WITH
YOU AND LOVING YOU AND...
NOT LIKING YOU.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.
(somber music playing)
- YOU CERTAINLY SEEM BETTER.
- WELL, CAN'T WALK
AROUND GRIEVING.
MISERY REALLY AGES A FACE.
YOU SHOULD
REMEMBER THAT, JOANNA,
BUT I AM STARTING TO LOSE
PATIENCE WITH MICHAEL.
IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS.
IF HE DOESN'T CALL PRETTY SOON,
THIS RELATIONSHIP'S
IN BIG TROUBLE.
- STEPHANIE, YOU TWO BROKE UP.
ISN'T THAT SORT OF THE
SUBURBS OF TROUBLE?
- MORNING.
- SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBURBS.
- JOANNA.
STEPHANIE.
- GOOD MORNING, MICHAEL.
- STEPH?
- YES, MICHAEL?
- COULD YOU RETURN
MY JULIO IGLESIAS ALBUM?
JOANNA, IS DICK IN HIS OFFICE?
- YES.
- THANKS. SEE YA.
(door opens, closes)
- WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO.
- STEPHANIE, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
- JOANNA, WHEN HE IGNORES ME
AND DEMANDS CUSTODY
OF JULIO, WELL, IT'S OVER.
STARTING TONIGHT,
I'M DATING AGAIN.
(door slams)
- HAS... HAS STEPHANIE GONE?
- SHE'S OUT ON THE PORCH. WHY?
(Michael crying)
- OH!
(Michael crying)
WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
STEPH WOULD BE HERE.
- MICHAEL, SHE LIVES HERE.
- OH, MICHAEL, PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER.
- I CAN'T!
- BUT, UH, MISERY AGES A FACE.
Stephanie: JOANNA, I
NEED A MAN'S OPINION
ON HOW PRETTY I LOOK.
WHERE'S DICK?
- HE MET MICHAEL FOR LUNCH
AND THEN HE WENT TO
THE STATION FOR THE SHOW.
- IS THIS SUNDAY ALREADY?
LET'S SEE, PAUL,
JERRY, KEN, BILL, HABIB.
IT IS SUNDAY!
- YOU LIKE ANY OF THOSE GUYS?
- WELL, KEN WAS NICE,
BUT HIS HIGHEST ASPIRATION
IS TO BUY A PICKUP TRUCK
AND EQUIP IT WITH
REALLY BIG TIRES.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT
NONE OF THEM ARE...
- MICHAEL?
(knocking)
- MAYBE PATRICK
WILL BE DIFFERENT.
HE'S AN ARTIST.
I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING
PAINTINGS OF MYSELF
IN THE MAJOR MUSEUMS.
- HI, STEPHANIE.
- ROSES.
HOW ORIGINAL.
JOANNA, THIS IS PATRICK.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?
- FINE.
- THIS IS A NEW DRESS.
- LOOKS NEW.
- OH, STOP.
THAT'S A VERY NICE SHIRT.
- OH, THANKS. IT
BELONGED TO MY BROTHER.
HE WAS ON A DIET,
SO HE GAVE ME ALL
HIS FAT CLOTHES.
- SO, PATRICK, I HEAR
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
- WHERE THE HELL
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- YOU SAID YOU WERE A PAINTER.
- WELL, I USED TO PAINT HOUSES,
BUT THAT WAS NOWHERE.
NOW I SELL PAINT,
WHICH IS AN ART IN ITSELF.
YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE BUY PAINT?
I MEAN, ASK THE LAYMAN,
HE'D SAY THE COLOR.
WRONG.
IT'S THE NAME OF THE COLOR.
I MEAN, THE MORE
"PS" IN A PAINT'S NAME,
THE BETTER IT SELLS.
- WELL, WE'D BETTER GO.
- WHERE TO?
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A TELEVISION STATION?
- AH!
(music playing)
- OKAY, WE OPEN THE SHOW
WITH SOME YAKKETY-YAKKETY,
THEN GO TO A DIAGRAM
OF THE ANTEATER'S LAIR,
THEN WE TROT OUT
THE STUFFED ANTEATER,
AND WE CLOSE WITH
SOME BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
- YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS SMART
TO BUILD TO THE
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
J.J., RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING,
I WANT A CAMERA ON THE...
- UH, TEN SECONDS TO AIR, DICK.
- WHAT?
- NINE, EIGHT...
OH, MY MISTAKE, DICK.
THIRTY SECONDS TO AIR.
I LOVE DOING THAT TO HIM.
HE ALWAYS MAKES THE SAME FACE.
HEY, THE STUFFED
ANTEATER ISN'T ON THE STAGE.
- HEY, LET ME KNOW WHEN
YOU WANT THAT ANTEATER.
- NOW, BUD.
AND WE'RE ON IN THREE, TWO,
ONE, AND NAPTIME EVERYBODY.
Announcer: AND NOW
"VERMONT TODAY"
STARRING DICK LAUDEN,
WITH TODAY'S GUEST,
ANTEATER EXPERT
FRANCINE MAURHOFFER.
- CUE, DICK.
Dick: FRANCINE, YOU'RE
A VERMONT NATIVE.
HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED
IN OUR LONG-NOSED
FRIEND FROM THE SOUTH?
Francine: WELL, DICK, WE
HAVE ANTS IN VERMONT,
SO FIRST I BECAME...
- PATRICK, WHY
DON'T YOU WAIT HERE
AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE
NEED TO CONTINUE THIS DATE?
- I'LL WAIT THERE BY
THAT PAPAYA PINK WALL.
SEE, THREE "PS"!
- MICHAEL, I WANT YOU TO
STOP THIS BREAKUP NONSENSE.
Francine: I MIGHT ADD...
- STEPH, YOU'RE
WILLING TO COMPROMISE?
- MICHAEL, MY PART OF THE
COMPROMISE IS I'M HERE;
YOUR PART IS THAT
EVERYTHING GOES BACK
TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.
Dick: LET'S ZOOM
IN ON THIS DIAGRAM
AND WE CAN ALL SEE
HOW ANTEATERS LIVE.
- STEPH, I CAN'T GO BACK.
YOU'LL JUST...
WHO'S THE GUY IN
THE HAND-ME-DOWNS?
- HE HAPPENS TO BE
A RESPECTED ARTIST.
IGNORE HIM.
Dick: I SAID, "LET'S ZOOM IN."
- J.J., DICK NEEDS HIS
ZOOM OR SOMETHING.
- OH, UH, CAMERA ONE,
ZOOM IN ON THE DIAGRAM.
- MICHAEL, I'VE MISSED YOU.
HAVEN'T YOU MISSED ME?
- WELL, SURE, STEPH.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME
LIP-SYNCING TO "WESTSIDE
STORY" WITHOUT MY MARIA.
BUT I DON'T MISS THE
WAY THINGS WERE.
- OH, YOU ARE JUST THE
MOST STUBBORN MAN.
Dick: NOW THAT WE'VE TAKEN
A GOOD, LONG LOOK
AT THE DIAGRAM,
LET'S FOCUS ON FRANCINE'S
STUFFED ANTEATER.
OKAY, WHERE'S THE ANTEATER?
- SO, THIS THING EATS ANTS.
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A FAIR FIGHT.
- MICHAEL, THERE'S GOT
TO BE A COMPROMISE
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ME.
- AFRAID NOT, STEPH.
Dick: NOW THAT THE
ANTEATER'S HERE,
IT'S EXACTLY AS
YOU DESCRIBED IT.
I'M SURE THE HOME
AUDIENCE WOULD AGREE,
IF WE EVER SHOW IT ON CAMERA.
- THE AUDIENCE CAN'T
SEE THE ANTEATER.
- OH, AND THEY WON'T. WE
HAVE TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
CUE, DICK.
Dick: WHAT?
WELL, WE'LL BE BACK
WITH "WITH THE ANTEATER"
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
- AND ROLL COMMERCIAL.
- WHAT IS THIS?
I BUSTED MY TAIL TO
GET YOU AN ANTEATER.
THERE WAS NO RUSH!
- WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON UP HERE?
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, DICK,
MICHAEL AND STEPHANIE
ARE TRYING TO PATCH IT UP.
- I DON'T CARE! DON'T
LISTEN TO THEM.
DIRECT THE SHOW!
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, DICK.
- MICHAEL, WILL YOU HURRY UP
AND STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT?
MY ANTEATER SHOW
IS FALLING TO PIECES.
- I CAN'T, DICK. SHE
WON'T BUDGE A SKOOCH.
- STEPHANIE, WHY WON'T
YOU BUDGE A SKOOCH?
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST...
MICHAEL, REMEMBER THAT
LITTLE RED CONVERTIBLE
YOU LOVED SO MUCH
AND THEN YOU GOT A SCRATCH
ON IT SO YOU UNLOADED IT?
WELL, IF I BACK DOWN IT...
IT'S KIND OF THE SAME
AS HAVING A SCRATCH.
- OH, STEPH, I'D
NEVER UNLOAD YOU.
I'D JUST LIKE YOU TO COME
WITH A FEW MORE OPTIONS.
- MICHAEL, NOW I
KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE THE SWEETEST
MAN THAT EVER LIVED.
NOW, WHAT IS THE LEAST I
CAN DO TO GET YOU BACK,
AND I MEAN THE VERY LEAST.
- LET ME BE SELFISH SOMETIMES,
LIKE IF YOU REALLY WANT ITALIAN
AND I REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY WANT CHINESE,
WE GO FOR CHINESE.
- WHAT IF I REALLY,
REALLY WANT ITALIAN?
- THEN WE COUNT "REALLYS."
- DEAL.
THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.
- STEPH.
- MORE?
- WHEN WE DON'T
AGREE ON SOMETHING,
YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.
- CAN I STILL GET MAD AND
POUT AND GO ON BUYING BINGES?
- WELL, NATCH!
I NEVER ASKED TO
HAVE YOU DECLAWED.
- WELL. OKAY.
BUT THAT IS WHERE
I DRAW THE LINE.
PATRICK, GO HOME.
- THANK YOU. I HAD A... I
HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
- OH, STEPH.
- DICK, I'VE NEVER SEEN
SUCH A SHAMBLES IN MY LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF A SHOW
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ME? NO ONE IN THE CONTROL
BOOTH WAS PAYING ATTENTION.
- SURE. AND AT THE DART
GAME YOU BLAMED YOUR SHIRT.
- REALLY! J.J. WAS...
- UH, FIVE SECONDS, DICK.
(chuckling)
- I'M NOT
GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN.
BEV, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN
HERE WHO'S DOING HIS JOB.
Announcer: AND NOW,
BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY."
ONCE AGAIN...
(theme music playing)
man's voice: MEOW.
- HI.
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?
- WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
- DICK.
DARTS.
- YEAH. YEAH, I
FINALLY FOUND THEM.
THOSE ARE THOSE CUSTOM-MADE,
HAND-TOOLED BABIES
I USED TO USE IN COLLEGE WHEN
I WAS THE COLLEGE CHAMPION.
CHAMPION-SLASH-LEGEND.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I
HUNG THESE BABIES UP,
I WAS UNDEFEATED.
NOW I'M NEEDED AGAIN.
FOR WHAT?
- OH, THIS COMING THURSDAY
THE STATION IS HAVING
A BIG DART TOURNAMENT.
TOURNAMENT-SLASH-MASSACRE.
- AFTERNOON, STAR.
STAR'S BETTER HALF.
WHERE'S THAT LITTLE BLONDE
I LIKE TO CALL "STEPHANIE"?
- SHE'S IN THAT LITTLE PLACE
WE LIKE TO CALL "HER ROOM."
- STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE.
- DICK, I'M SETTING UP TEAMS
FOR THE DART TOURNAMENT.
ARE YOU ANY GOOD?
WHOA! BULLS-EYES BEWARE.
- DICK WAS A
CHAMPION IN COLLEGE.
- DICK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TEAMED YOU AND YOURS
TRULY ON THE SAME TEAM
WITH BEV DUTTON, THE
HEAD CHEESE AT WPIP?
- I'D SAY, "ARE YOU
AND BEV LUCKY."
- MICHAEL! GUESS WHAT.
JOANNA AND I ARE GOING
TO THE GRAND OPENING
OF THAT NEW FRENCH
RESTAURANT ON THURSDAY.
DO YOU WANT TO COME?
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY TO
DRESS UP AND BE SEEN WITH ME.
- OUCH.
THE STATION'S ANNUAL
DART TOURNEY IS THURSDAY.
- BUT, MICHAEL,
A GRAND OPENING
HAPPENS ONLY ONCE.
ANNUAL THINGS ARE,
LIKE, EVERY YEAR.
- BUT THIS IS BUSINESS, STEPH,
AND YOU HAVE JOANNA TO GO WITH.
WE CAN DATE EVERY NIGHT
RIGHT UP TO THE BAD ONE.
- WELL, I'LL TRY THAT,
BUT YOU'RE STILL GOING TO HAVE
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.
- THEN, RETRACT LIP.
LET'S GET OUT THERE AND DATE!
- YOUR TURN, BEV.
- I LOVE THESE TOURNAMENTS.
THE ONE TIME OF YEAR
WE CAN DROP THE
"EMPLOYER-EMPLOYEE" THING
AND JUST GET TOGETHER
LIKE OLD FRIENDS.
EIGHTY-FIVE!
EIGHTY-FIVE, BUD.
READ IT AND WEEP, BOZO.
WE'RE GONNA SMOKE THEIR BUTTS.
- LET'S NOT GET COCKY, BEV.
LET'S JUST LEAVE THEM FOR DEAD.
- HEY, DICK, THOSE LOOK NEAT.
CAN I USE 'EM TOO?
- OH, I'M SORRY, J.J.
THESE ARE SPECIALLY
BALANCED FOR MY HAND.
- FINE, DICK.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
ACT LIKE WE'RE FOUR
AND NOT SHARE OUR TOYS?
Bud: WHAT'D YA GET, DICK?
- UH, FIFTEEN.
- EXACTLY WHICH TEAM DID
YOU PLAN TO LEAVE FOR DEAD?
- FIFTEEN?
- I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S WRONG.
- DICK, DICK, MAYBE
YOU'RE TOO TENSE.
- YOUR TURN, MICHAEL.
- OH, YEAH. SURE.
SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, DICK,
I WANNA SEE SOME RELAXING
AND I WANNA SEE IT NOW.
- HOW'D YOU DO, MICHAEL?
- OH, UH... 128.
- GEEZ, THAT'S OVER
100 MORE THAN DICK.
- MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
WE'RE GONNA MOP UP THE
FLOOR WITH THEIR HEADS!
- WAIT... WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.
I... I... I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I... I'VE NEVER WORN
A JACKET LIKE THIS
BEFORE PLAYING DARTS.
OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THAT'S...
THAT'S... THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
THE JACKET WAS...
WAS THE CULPRIT.
THE SHIRT WAS THE CULPRIT.
- TWENTY?
- IF HE SAYS HIS SHORTS
ARE THE CULPRIT, I'M LEAVING.
Michael: STEPH, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, THAT STUPID RESTAURANT
CANCELED ITS GRAND OPENING.
- STEPHANIE, THE
PLACE CAUGHT FIRE.
- POOR STEPH.
- WHEN YOU LEFT THE HOUSE,
YOU HAD CLOTHES ON, RIGHT?
- JOANNA, OBVIOUSLY YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND DARTS.
(singsong)
- I'M READY, LET'S GO.
- GO? BUT THIS IS
KIND OF IMPORTANT
AND YOU SAID I COULD
HAVE TONIGHT OFF.
- THAT WAS BEFORE I
HAD NOTHING TO DO.
- MICHAEL, IT'S YOUR TURN.
- UH, WE'LL GO SOMEPLACE
AS SOON AS THE
TOURNAMENT IS OVER.
- MICHAEL, YOU WANT ME TO WAIT?
IN A BASEMENT WHERE
PEOPLE ARE PERSPIRING?
WE'RE LEAVING.
- BUT, STEPH, I'M A HERO.
DICK WENT TO PIECES
AND I'M CARRYING THE DAY.
- MICHAEL, HOW DOES THE
THOUGHT OF DATING AIR
SOUND TO YOU?
- THANKS, EVERYBODY. I
HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
Bud: MICHAEL!
IT'S AMAZING HE
THROWS DARTS SO WELL
WITH NO SPINE.
(knocking)
- TAA-DAA!
- VERY GOOD, GEORGE.
- YEAH, I THOUGHT BULLS-EYES
WERE GONNA BE HARD TO GET,
BUT WITH THESE DARTS
OF YOURS, YOU CAN'T MISS.
UNLESS YOU'RE...
UNLESS YOU'RE
REAL GOOD LIKE YOU.
- WERE YOU... WERE YOU THROWING
FROM THE REGULATION DISTANCE?
SEVEN FEET, NINE AND
A QUARTER INCHES?
- WELL, SEE, THAT EXPLAINS IT.
I MUST'VE BEEN THROWING 15 FEET.
I'LL GO BACK AND DO IT RIGHT.
OH, AND JOANNA ASKED
ME TO REMIND YOU
THAT IT'S ATTIC CLEANING DAY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
YOU MEAN, I COMPLETELY
MISSED "ATTIC CLEANING EVE"?
- HI, GEORGE.
DICK, GOT A MINUTE?
- NO.
BECAUSE YOU LEFT LAST NIGHT,
I LOST MY FIRST DART
TOURNAMENT IN 17 YEARS
AND... AND THEN I HAD TO LISTEN
TO A TAUNTING CROWD CHANT
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT ALL OFF!"
- I KNOW, DICK.
I'M... I'M SORRY.
- YOU'RE WHAT?
- I'M SORRY.
I BEHAVED BADLY AND I'M NOT
GOING TO MAKE ANY EXCUSES.
- ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE WITH MICHAEL?
- DICK, I WAS MAD
WHEN STEPH MADE ME LEAVE
THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT
BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD GO AWAY.
THEN, IN THE RESTAURANT WHEN
THE CHAMPAGNE TICKLED HER NOSE
AND SHE WENT "OOH!"
ALL I COULD THINK WAS,
"I'M NOT LIKING YOU."
DICK, I'M SCARED.
I MEAN, THERE WAS
ONE TIME WHEN I...
I DIDN'T LIKE HER DRESS,
AND THERE WERE FOUR HUMID DAYS
WHERE I DIDN'T LIKE HER HAIR,
BUT I'VE NEVER NOT LIKED HER.
- WELL, MAYBE THE...
THE FIRST STEP IN GETTING
TO LIKE STEPHANIE AGAIN
IS NOT LETTING HER
WALK ALL OVER YOU LIKE...
LIKE LAST NIGHT.
- WELL, WHAT COULD I DO?
SHE WAS STAMPING
HER SIZE-FOUR FOOT.
- SO?
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
JOANNA STAMPS HER GUNBOATS?
- FIRST, IT ISN'T
LIKE JOANNA TO...
TO STAMP HER "GUNBOATS,"
AND IF SHE DID, THEN I'D HAVE TO
BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER.
- GEE, DICK.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
WANT TO BE YOU BEFORE.
- HONEY, I COULD USE
YOUR HELP IN THE ATTIC.
- NOT JUST NOW, DEAR.
- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING
THIS OFF FOR MONTHS.
WE REALLY SHOULD GET ON IT.
- I SAID, "NOT NOW."
GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN!
SORRY, MICHAEL. I USUALLY
TRY TO DO THAT IN PRIVATE.
- DICK, IF I SAID THAT TO STEPH,
SHE'D LEAVE ME AND
TAKE MY TONGUE WITH HER.
BUT I GUESS I'VE GOT
TO SAY SOMETHING.
- "GET OUT OF MY FACE, WOMAN"?
- OKAY, LET'S HIT THAT
ATTIC, SWEETHEART.
- STEPH?
- MICHAEL!
- STEPH, YOU AND I HAVE TO TALK.
- YES, MICHAEL?
- BEFORE WE DO, COULD
YOU KISS ME AGAIN?
NO GOOSEBUMPS.
- WELL, THEY'RE
PROBABLY BUNCHED UP
UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES.
(Michael chuckling)
ALL RIGHT, WHERE ARE THEY?
- STEPH, I'M REALLY SORRY
BUT EVER SINCE YOU MADE ME LEAVE
THE DART TOURNAMENT LAST NIGHT,
I'M HAVING TROUBLE LIKING YOU.
- WELL, YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
- STEPH, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU RUN THIS RELATIONSHIP
AND I DON'T LIKE IT...
I THINK.
- WELL, THIS SOUNDS
LIKE A CRITICISM,
AND IF IT IS THERE ARE
PLENTY OF MEN OUT THERE
WHO WOULD LOVE TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
- THIS IS EXACTLY
THE KIND OF THING
I'M TALKING ABOUT, PRETTY MUCH.
IF I DON'T DO WHAT YOU WANT,
YOU THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.
I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THAT.
- OKAY, THIS IS
DEFINITELY A CRITICISM.
MICHAEL, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME
WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE ME.
NOW, YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS
TO REWORD EVERYTHING YOU
JUST SAID INTO A COMPLIMENT.
- I CAN'T.
- YOU'RE UPSET. TAKE
ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS.
- STEPH, YOU'RE NOT
GIVING ME ANY CHOICE.
I CAN'T KEEP ON BEING WITH
YOU AND LOVING YOU AND...
NOT LIKING YOU.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.
(somber music playing)
- YOU CERTAINLY SEEM BETTER.
- WELL, CAN'T WALK
AROUND GRIEVING.
MISERY REALLY AGES A FACE.
YOU SHOULD
REMEMBER THAT, JOANNA,
BUT I AM STARTING TO LOSE
PATIENCE WITH MICHAEL.
IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS.
IF HE DOESN'T CALL PRETTY SOON,
THIS RELATIONSHIP'S
IN BIG TROUBLE.
- STEPHANIE, YOU TWO BROKE UP.
ISN'T THAT SORT OF THE
SUBURBS OF TROUBLE?
- MORNING.
- SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUBURBS.
- JOANNA.
STEPHANIE.
- GOOD MORNING, MICHAEL.
- STEPH?
- YES, MICHAEL?
- COULD YOU RETURN
MY JULIO IGLESIAS ALBUM?
JOANNA, IS DICK IN HIS OFFICE?
- YES.
- THANKS. SEE YA.
(door opens, closes)
- WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
HE'S SUPPOSED TO DO.
- STEPHANIE, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD TALK TO HIM.
- JOANNA, WHEN HE IGNORES ME
AND DEMANDS CUSTODY
OF JULIO, WELL, IT'S OVER.
STARTING TONIGHT,
I'M DATING AGAIN.
(door slams)
- HAS... HAS STEPHANIE GONE?
- SHE'S OUT ON THE PORCH. WHY?
(Michael crying)
- OH!
(Michael crying)
WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
STEPH WOULD BE HERE.
- MICHAEL, SHE LIVES HERE.
- OH, MICHAEL, PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER.
- I CAN'T!
- BUT, UH, MISERY AGES A FACE.
Stephanie: JOANNA, I
NEED A MAN'S OPINION
ON HOW PRETTY I LOOK.
WHERE'S DICK?
- HE MET MICHAEL FOR LUNCH
AND THEN HE WENT TO
THE STATION FOR THE SHOW.
- IS THIS SUNDAY ALREADY?
LET'S SEE, PAUL,
JERRY, KEN, BILL, HABIB.
IT IS SUNDAY!
- YOU LIKE ANY OF THOSE GUYS?
- WELL, KEN WAS NICE,
BUT HIS HIGHEST ASPIRATION
IS TO BUY A PICKUP TRUCK
AND EQUIP IT WITH
REALLY BIG TIRES.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT
NONE OF THEM ARE...
- MICHAEL?
(knocking)
- MAYBE PATRICK
WILL BE DIFFERENT.
HE'S AN ARTIST.
I WOULDN'T MIND SEEING
PAINTINGS OF MYSELF
IN THE MAJOR MUSEUMS.
- HI, STEPHANIE.
- ROSES.
HOW ORIGINAL.
JOANNA, THIS IS PATRICK.
- HELLO.
- HELLO.
- WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?
- FINE.
- THIS IS A NEW DRESS.
- LOOKS NEW.
- OH, STOP.
THAT'S A VERY NICE SHIRT.
- OH, THANKS. IT
BELONGED TO MY BROTHER.
HE WAS ON A DIET,
SO HE GAVE ME ALL
HIS FAT CLOTHES.
- SO, PATRICK, I HEAR
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
- WHERE THE HELL
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- YOU SAID YOU WERE A PAINTER.
- WELL, I USED TO PAINT HOUSES,
BUT THAT WAS NOWHERE.
NOW I SELL PAINT,
WHICH IS AN ART IN ITSELF.
YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE BUY PAINT?
I MEAN, ASK THE LAYMAN,
HE'D SAY THE COLOR.
WRONG.
IT'S THE NAME OF THE COLOR.
I MEAN, THE MORE
"PS" IN A PAINT'S NAME,
THE BETTER IT SELLS.
- WELL, WE'D BETTER GO.
- WHERE TO?
- HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A TELEVISION STATION?
- AH!
(music playing)
- OKAY, WE OPEN THE SHOW
WITH SOME YAKKETY-YAKKETY,
THEN GO TO A DIAGRAM
OF THE ANTEATER'S LAIR,
THEN WE TROT OUT
THE STUFFED ANTEATER,
AND WE CLOSE WITH
SOME BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
- YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS SMART
TO BUILD TO THE
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
J.J., RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING,
I WANT A CAMERA ON THE...
- UH, TEN SECONDS TO AIR, DICK.
- WHAT?
- NINE, EIGHT...
OH, MY MISTAKE, DICK.
THIRTY SECONDS TO AIR.
I LOVE DOING THAT TO HIM.
HE ALWAYS MAKES THE SAME FACE.
HEY, THE STUFFED
ANTEATER ISN'T ON THE STAGE.
- HEY, LET ME KNOW WHEN
YOU WANT THAT ANTEATER.
- NOW, BUD.
AND WE'RE ON IN THREE, TWO,
ONE, AND NAPTIME EVERYBODY.
Announcer: AND NOW
"VERMONT TODAY"
STARRING DICK LAUDEN,
WITH TODAY'S GUEST,
ANTEATER EXPERT
FRANCINE MAURHOFFER.
- CUE, DICK.
Dick: FRANCINE, YOU'RE
A VERMONT NATIVE.
HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED
IN OUR LONG-NOSED
FRIEND FROM THE SOUTH?
Francine: WELL, DICK, WE
HAVE ANTS IN VERMONT,
SO FIRST I BECAME...
- PATRICK, WHY
DON'T YOU WAIT HERE
AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE
NEED TO CONTINUE THIS DATE?
- I'LL WAIT THERE BY
THAT PAPAYA PINK WALL.
SEE, THREE "PS"!
- MICHAEL, I WANT YOU TO
STOP THIS BREAKUP NONSENSE.
Francine: I MIGHT ADD...
- STEPH, YOU'RE
WILLING TO COMPROMISE?
- MICHAEL, MY PART OF THE
COMPROMISE IS I'M HERE;
YOUR PART IS THAT
EVERYTHING GOES BACK
TO THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE.
Dick: LET'S ZOOM
IN ON THIS DIAGRAM
AND WE CAN ALL SEE
HOW ANTEATERS LIVE.
- STEPH, I CAN'T GO BACK.
YOU'LL JUST...
WHO'S THE GUY IN
THE HAND-ME-DOWNS?
- HE HAPPENS TO BE
A RESPECTED ARTIST.
IGNORE HIM.
Dick: I SAID, "LET'S ZOOM IN."
- J.J., DICK NEEDS HIS
ZOOM OR SOMETHING.
- OH, UH, CAMERA ONE,
ZOOM IN ON THE DIAGRAM.
- MICHAEL, I'VE MISSED YOU.
HAVEN'T YOU MISSED ME?
- WELL, SURE, STEPH.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME
LIP-SYNCING TO "WESTSIDE
STORY" WITHOUT MY MARIA.
BUT I DON'T MISS THE
WAY THINGS WERE.
- OH, YOU ARE JUST THE
MOST STUBBORN MAN.
Dick: NOW THAT WE'VE TAKEN
A GOOD, LONG LOOK
AT THE DIAGRAM,
LET'S FOCUS ON FRANCINE'S
STUFFED ANTEATER.
OKAY, WHERE'S THE ANTEATER?
- SO, THIS THING EATS ANTS.
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A FAIR FIGHT.
- MICHAEL, THERE'S GOT
TO BE A COMPROMISE
THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE ME.
- AFRAID NOT, STEPH.
Dick: NOW THAT THE
ANTEATER'S HERE,
IT'S EXACTLY AS
YOU DESCRIBED IT.
I'M SURE THE HOME
AUDIENCE WOULD AGREE,
IF WE EVER SHOW IT ON CAMERA.
- THE AUDIENCE CAN'T
SEE THE ANTEATER.
- OH, AND THEY WON'T. WE
HAVE TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.
CUE, DICK.
Dick: WHAT?
WELL, WE'LL BE BACK
WITH "WITH THE ANTEATER"
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
- AND ROLL COMMERCIAL.
- WHAT IS THIS?
I BUSTED MY TAIL TO
GET YOU AN ANTEATER.
THERE WAS NO RUSH!
- WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON UP HERE?
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, DICK,
MICHAEL AND STEPHANIE
ARE TRYING TO PATCH IT UP.
- I DON'T CARE! DON'T
LISTEN TO THEM.
DIRECT THE SHOW!
- ANYTHING YOU SAY, DICK.
- MICHAEL, WILL YOU HURRY UP
AND STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT?
MY ANTEATER SHOW
IS FALLING TO PIECES.
- I CAN'T, DICK. SHE
WON'T BUDGE A SKOOCH.
- STEPHANIE, WHY WON'T
YOU BUDGE A SKOOCH?
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST...
MICHAEL, REMEMBER THAT
LITTLE RED CONVERTIBLE
YOU LOVED SO MUCH
AND THEN YOU GOT A SCRATCH
ON IT SO YOU UNLOADED IT?
WELL, IF I BACK DOWN IT...
IT'S KIND OF THE SAME
AS HAVING A SCRATCH.
- OH, STEPH, I'D
NEVER UNLOAD YOU.
I'D JUST LIKE YOU TO COME
WITH A FEW MORE OPTIONS.
- MICHAEL, NOW I
KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE THE SWEETEST
MAN THAT EVER LIVED.
NOW, WHAT IS THE LEAST I
CAN DO TO GET YOU BACK,
AND I MEAN THE VERY LEAST.
- LET ME BE SELFISH SOMETIMES,
LIKE IF YOU REALLY WANT ITALIAN
AND I REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY WANT CHINESE,
WE GO FOR CHINESE.
- WHAT IF I REALLY,
REALLY WANT ITALIAN?
- THEN WE COUNT "REALLYS."
- DEAL.
THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.
- STEPH.
- MORE?
- WHEN WE DON'T
AGREE ON SOMETHING,
YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO LEAVE ME.
- CAN I STILL GET MAD AND
POUT AND GO ON BUYING BINGES?
- WELL, NATCH!
I NEVER ASKED TO
HAVE YOU DECLAWED.
- WELL. OKAY.
BUT THAT IS WHERE
I DRAW THE LINE.
PATRICK, GO HOME.
- THANK YOU. I HAD A... I
HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
- OH, STEPH.
- DICK, I'VE NEVER SEEN
SUCH A SHAMBLES IN MY LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF A SHOW
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ME? NO ONE IN THE CONTROL
BOOTH WAS PAYING ATTENTION.
- SURE. AND AT THE DART
GAME YOU BLAMED YOUR SHIRT.
- REALLY! J.J. WAS...
- UH, FIVE SECONDS, DICK.
(chuckling)
- I'M NOT
GOING TO FALL FOR THAT AGAIN.
BEV, I'M THE ONLY ONE IN
HERE WHO'S DOING HIS JOB.
Announcer: AND NOW,
BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY."
ONCE AGAIN...
(theme music playing)
man's voice: MEOW.