Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 1 - Pirate Pete - full transcript
Dick fills in on a children's show and when he sees all the commercialism going, he breaks down on camera. Eventually, the show gets canceled, he has to try to explain what happened to the show's star. Eventually, he gets the show back on the air but with a few changes that the star doesn't like. And George plays a prank on Stephanie making her think she's putting on weight.
(theme music playing)
(singing)
- OH-HOH!
FOR SOMEBODY FACING A TOUGH
NEGOTIATION WITH HIS BOSS,
YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING CHIPPER.
- WELL, THAT'S
BECAUSE I'VE COME UP
WITH A SURE-FIRE STRATEGY
ON HOW TO GET WHAT I WANT.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
YOU BE BEV AND YOU
PLAY THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- BEV, I'D LIKE A MICROWAVE
FOR MY DRESSING ROOM.
- IN A PIG'S EYE, BOZO.
- IT'S MORE LIKE HER TO
SAY, "IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK."
- IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK.
- AH-HAH! YOU TOOK THE BAIT.
I DON'T WANT A MICROWAVE.
- THEN WHY DID YOU ASK FOR ONE?
- BEV, BEV, BEV,
YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
WHEN SHE TURNS ME DOWN,
SHE'LL BE CONSUMED WITH GUILT.
THEN I ASK HER FOR
WHAT I REALLY WANT,
NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.
HER ONLY ANSWER CAN BE,
"WHAT COLOR AND HOW SOON?"
- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
READY FOR ANYTHING, HONEY.
- EH, BRING ON THE MIDDLE EAST.
- I JUST PULLED
OFF WHAT COULD BE
THE GREATEST PRACTICAL
JOKE IN HISTORY.
YOU KNOW HOW STEPHANIE
IS ALWAYS SO WORRIED
ABOUT HER WEIGHT?
I TURNED HER SCALE
UP TWO POUNDS.
- YOU DIDN'T?
- YOU KNOW, GEORGE,
I MEAN, THAT ALMOST
BORDERS ON THE CRUEL.
(laughing)
- WOULD ANYONE KNOW IF
THERE'S BEEN AN INCREASE
IN THE EARTH'S
GRAVITATIONAL PULL LATELY?
- NOT THAT I'VE HEARD.
DICK?
- THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE NEWS.
- WHY?
- JUST ASKING.
(giggling)
- AND YOU TWO ARE TERRIBLE.
(screaming)
- AND SINCE THERE'S
NOTHING I ENJOY AFTER A SHOW
MORE THAN A PIPING
HOT DISH OF TATER TOTS,
I'D REALLY LIKE A MICROWAVE
IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
- OKAY.
- WHAT?
- WE'RE GETTING A NEW MICROWAVE
FOR THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE
SO I CAN LET YOU
HAVE THE OLD ONE.
WELL, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE?
- ACTUALLY, WHAT I REALLY WANTED
WAS NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.
- C'MON, I JUST GAVE
YOU A MICROWAVE.
- BEV, DISASTERVILLE ON THE SET.
PETE WAS ABOUT TO GO ON THE AIR
AND THE BOOM MAN
HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.
PETE'S ON THE WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL
BUT, DON'T WORRY,
THE MIC'S OKAY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
WE DON'T HAVE A
HOST FOR THE SHOW?
- WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE I'M IN A POSITION
TO DO THE STATION A REAL FAVOR.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT COLOR
CARPET AND HOW SOON?
- BEIGE AND YESTERDAY.
- WELL, C'MON, DICK, WE DON'T
WANT TO KEEP THE KIDS WAITING.
- KIDS?
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU DIDN'T
SAY IT WAS A CHILDREN'S SHOW.
- IT'S NOT YOUR TYPICAL KID VID.
THIS ONE'S REAL SOPHISTICATED.
- MICHAEL, DRESSING
LIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH
IS NOT MY IDEA OF
SOPHISTICATION.
- NO TIME TO TALK, DICK.
NOW EVERYTHING'S ON CUE CARDS.
- IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...
(music playing)
- AHOY, MATIES.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS
IF IT ISN'T TIME
FOR PIRATE PETE'S
"CARTOON LAGOON."
NOW IT DOESN'T TAKE A SPYGLASS
TO TELL THAT I'M
NOT PIRATE PETE.
I'M LONG JOHN LOUDON,
HIS SCURVY COUSIN.
IF I COULD INTERJECT
SOMETHING HERE,
PIRATE PETE IS IN THE HOSPITAL
AND I'M SURE HE'D APPRECIATE
ANY CARDS OR LETTERS
YOU MIGHT SEND HIM.
BUT NOW ON WITH
THE FUN ME BUCKOS.
HAR.
HARR.
HAAAGHH.
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?
PERCH?
OH!
OH, PERCH, HOW ARE
YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?
I AM FINE, LONG JOHN.
GOOD.
WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIL.
LET'S HOIST UP OUR NET
AND SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.
HARRR.
"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I
CAN'T WAIT TO GROW UP
"AND PLUNDER AND PILLAGE
THE HIGH SEAS JUST LIKE YOU."
I WISH YOU A LOT
OF LUCK, MELISSA.
REMEMBER, ME HEARTIES,
IF YOU WANT TO
WRITE US HERE AT SEA,
YOU'LL NEED ONE OF PIRATE
PETE'S OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.
THEY KEEP YOUR LETTER BONE
DRY AND THEY'RE ONLY... $5.95?
- THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, DICK.
- WELL, I DON'T WANT
THIS TO BE STOLEN.
I'D BETTER PUT IT
FOR SAFE-KEEPING
IN MY TRUSTY TREASURE CHEST,
WHICH YOU KIDS CAN
HAVE FOR ONLY $39.95.
OH, C'MON!
- LEAD INTO THE CARTOON, DICK.
- AND NOW, MATIES, IT'S TIME
FOR A ROWDY ROOSTER CARTOON.
LET'S WATCH.
Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.
- MICHAEL, THAT IS THE
MOST REPREHENSIBLE
CHILDREN'S SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'S JUST ONE LONG
VULGAR SALES PITCH.
- VULGAR?
THERE ARE SOME
DAMN FINE CARTOONS.
- THAT DUCK WAS JUST
FORCE-FED A STICK OF DYNAMITE.
(explosion)
- WHAT DUCK, DICK?
- MICHAEL.
- SORRY, DICK, YOU'RE ON AGAIN.
DOING A COMMERCIAL.
- A COMMERCIAL? THAT'S
A CHANGE OF PACE.
- CUE DICK.
(music playing)
- WE'RE BACK.
NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE LATEST IN FUN
FROM OUR VERY GOOD FRIENDS
AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY SHOP.
YOU KNOW, KIDS,
PIRATING IN THE '80S
DEMANDS A MODERN APPROACH.
THE ANNIHILATOR 5000.
- OW!
- I'M SORRY, LIONEL.
LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I CAN'T RECOMMEND
THIS TO CHILDREN.
I COULDN'T EVEN
RECOMMEND IT TO A MARINE.
- DICK, STICK WITH THE CARDS.
- PARENTS, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
TO LET YOUR CHILDREN
WATCH THIS SHOW.
LET 'EM READ A BOOK,
GO OUT AND PLAY,
WATCH FRUIT RIPEN,
ANYTHING BUT THIS.
- AND NOW BACK TO OUR
WONDERFUL CARTOON.
Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.
- ALL RIGHT, DICK, DON'T WORRY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL
DO SOME SWIRLY EFFECTS
AND WE'LL TELL THE KIDS
IT WAS A DREAM SEQUENCE.
Bev: DICK, MICHAEL,
TO MY OFFICE, NOW!
- OF COURSE, THAT
WON'T FOOL HER.
- HELL, GUYS, THE SWITCHBOARD
IS LIT UP WITH CALLS
SAYING PIRATE PETE IS A RIP-OFF.
WHAT THE HELL WAS
GOING ON OUT THERE?
- IT'S NOT MY FAULT, BEV.
I HAD EVERYTHING WRITTEN
DOWN ON CUE CARDS
BUT THEN DICK HAD
TO GO PAY ATTENTION
TO WHAT HE WAS READING.
- I'M PROUD OF WHAT I DID.
THAT SHOW WAS JUST A
BUNCH OF SALES PITCHES,
OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED
BY AN EXPLODING DUCK.
I MEAN, THAT MAN IS GETTING
RICH OFF INNOCENT CHILDREN.
- PETE'S NOT RICH.
- HE'S NOT?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THOSE MESSAGE
BOTTLES AND TREASURE CHESTS?
- DICK, THIS IS A TINY
STATION WITH A TINY AUDIENCE.
EVEN WITH THE PROMOTIONAL ITEMS,
WE PAY PETE ABOUT
AS MUCH AS WE PAY YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND NOW HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL
AND THE CREW IS SAYING
HE DOESN'T HAVE INSURANCE.
- OH, MY GOD.
(phone ringing)
- YES?
IT'S THE STATION OWNER.
HELLO?
- I'M NOT SORRY THAT I SPOKE UP
BUT MAYBE I'LL STOP
BY THE HOSPITAL
AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING
THAT THE POOR GUY NEEDS.
- WELL, DICK, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
GOING TO BE SEEING HIM ANYWAY,
COULD YOU TELL
PETE ONE MORE THING?
HE'S CANCELED.
- GOD, IT'S
HUMILIATING BEING FAT.
AS I RAN THROUGH TOWN,
PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE SOMETHING
THEY'D TRIM OFF MEAT.
- STEPHANIE, ABOUT
THIS WEIGHT THING.
- I JUST CAN'T DEAL
WITH BEING IMPERFECT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'VE
HANDLED IT ALL THESE YEARS.
(sighing) OH, SORRY, YOU
WERE SAYING SOMETHING?
- ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.
IT'S A DARN SHAME.
OH, GEORGE, I THINK YOUR
PRACTICAL JOKE IS ABOUT OVER.
STEPHANIE JUST JOGGED
ALL MORNING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
- I KNOW.
SO I TURNED HER
SCALE UP A LITTLE MORE.
(screaming)
- HI, MR. PITTMAN.
YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
- OH?
- HI. I'M DICK LOUDON. I
TOOK OVER YOUR SHOW.
- OH, LISTEN, I CAN'T
THANK YOU ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY I MISSED IT
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE
A TV IN RADIOLOGY.
- DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH TIME,
YOU KNOW, HE'S STILL WEAK.
- THAT ELLEN, SHE'S TERRIFIC.
SHE GREW UP WATCHING MY SHOW.
NOW HER CHILDREN WATCH.
I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS OF MY OWN.
THAT'S MY FAMILY.
- SO HOW'S THE NOGGIN?
- I'LL BE 100% WHEN I
GET BACK TO THE SHOW.
- PETE, I HAVE SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
- YEAH?
- THIS ISN'T EASY.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN MY
LITTLE MATIES HAVE TROUBLE
TELLING THEIR MOMMIES
AND DADDIES SOMETHING,
I GIVE THEM A PIECE OF ADVICE.
I TELL THEM TO TAKE
IN A DEEP BREATH,
THEN LET IT OUT, THEN
SAY WHAT'S ON THEIR MINDS.
- WELL, THIS IS A LITTLE MORE
THAN A BAD REPORT CARD.
- WELL, WHAT WORKS
FOR THE LITTLE MATIES
WORKS FOR GROWN-UP
BUCCANEERS TOO.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TRY?
JUST TAKE IN A DEEP BREATH,
LET IT OUT, THEN SAY IT.
- YOU'RE CANCELED.
- BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD THEY CANCEL ME?
THE SHOW WAS SO POPULAR.
- WELL, THE WAY I
HEARD THE STORY,
SOMEONE POINTED OUT
THAT IT WAS LONG ON VIOLENCE
AND COMMERCIALISM, AND
SHORT ON ANYTHING GOOD.
- WELL, WHO WOULD
STAB ME IN THE BACK
WHEN I'M IN THE HOSPITAL?
(exhales)
- ME.
- YOU?
- LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR
'EM TO CANCEL YOUR SHOW
BUT I WAS SELLING
$40 CARDBOARD...
THE DUCK EXPLODED.
I SHOT LIONEL.
- DID YOU SAVE A BULLET FOR ME?
- SUPPOSE I TRY TO
GET YOUR SHOW BACK?
- CAN YOU DO THAT?
- HEY, I GOT YOU
CANCELED, DIDN'T I?
- HI, I'M LARRY AND THIS
IS MY BROTHER DARYL.
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR
OTHER BROTHER DARYL?
- I'M SORRY, HE'S TOO
UPSET TO PARTICIPATE
IN THIS CONVERSATION.
WE'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS UP
WITH THE SPOUSE OF THE HOUSE.
- DICK, RIGHT AWAY.
- OH, HI, GUYS.
- EASY, DARYL.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- DARYL AIN'T BEEN THE SAME
SINCE HE HEARD THAT PIRATE
PETE GOT THE PROVERBIAL AXE.
IT WAS HIS FAVORITE
PROGRAM NEXT TO "NIGHT LINE."
- GUYS, BEFORE YOU
GET TOO WORKED UP,
I TALKED THE STATION INTO
PUTTING PIRATE PETE BACK ON.
I'M GONNA CO-HOST WITH HIM TODAY
AND SHOW HIM HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
- WELL, DARYL'S ADOPTING
A WAIT-AND-SEE ATTITUDE.
OH, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU DON'T MIND SOME
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM,
WE COULD TELL IT WAS
YOU TALKING FOR PERCH.
- WELL, I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING THE SHOW.
- GOOD. 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE
EDUCATIONAL AND ENTERTAINING
WITHOUT SACRIFICING
ONE IOTA OF FUN.
- YEAH, AND I HEAR YOU LOOK
RIDICULOUS IN A PIRATE SUIT.
- WELL, THE PRACTICAL
JOKE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.
- AH, FINALLY.
I HOPE STEPHANIE WASN'T
TOO ANGRY WHEN YOU TOLD HER.
- OH, I DIDN'T TELL HER.
SHE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.
I JUST SET HER SCALE
BACK TO NORMAL.
SHE'LL WEIGH HERSELF
AND EVERYTHING
WILL BE FINE AGAIN.
- MAKE WAY, I'M COMING
DOWN AND I NEED ROOM.
- I DON'T THINK SHE'S
WEIGHED HERSELF YET.
- STEPHANIE, WHY ARE
YOU WEARING THAT?
(sighing)
- I COULDN'T GET OUT
OF MY LUNCH DATE WITH MICHAEL.
THIS IS TURNING
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
CAN YOU MAKE OUT ANY HINT
OF MY SHAPE UNDER HERE?
- AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, YOU
COULD BE RIDING A HORSE.
- WHO AM I KIDDING?
ONE LOOK AT THESE CHUBBY CHEEKS
AND MICHAEL WILL START
CALLING ME "BIG MOMMA."
- STEPHANIE, IF YOU
WEIGH YOURSELF AGAIN,
YOU MIGHT BE
PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
- YOU SEE, THIS IS
THE KIND OF RIBBING
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO.
- MICHAEL, WHAT'S KEEPING PETE?
THERE'S NO POINT IN MY
DOING THE SHOW ALONE.
- BELIEVE ME, DICK,
NOBODY WANTS THAT.
- STEPH?
- I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR
NOT RECOGNIZING ME.
MICHAEL, SOMETHING
HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.
I'VE BALLOONED TWO POUNDS.
- WHAT?
WELL,
THERE'LL JUST BE
MORE OF YOU TO LOVE.
- MICHAEL, PLEASE.
I KNOW IT'S ONLY
A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE YOU DROP ME.
I'D LOSE RESPECT
FOR YOU IF YOU DIDN'T.
JUST TRY TO REMEMBER
ME WITH ONE CHIN.
- STEPH, IT CAN'T END THIS WAY.
CALL IF YOU GET BETTER.
- MICHAEL!
STEPHANIE, YOU HAVEN'T
GAINED ANY WEIGHT.
GEORGE RIGGED YOUR SCALE.
- WHAT?
WHY WOULD HE DO
A THING LIKE THAT?
- IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
- IT'S SICK AND DEPRAVED.
- I TRIED TO STOP HIM.
OH, NO, THROW THAT
IN THE DUMPSTER.
THE TOY SHOP PROMISED ME
THAT THEY'D SEND SOMETHING
THAT WOULDN'T MASSACRE THE CREW.
- STEPH, YOU'VE BEEN
THROUGH A TRAUMA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO
MY OFFICE AND COOL DOWN.
- PETE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I ASKED YOU TO COME
HERE A FEW MINUTES EARLY
SO WE COULD DISCUSS
CHANGES IN THE SHOW.
- TEN SECONDS TO AIR.
- I AM EARLY.
WHAT ARE THE CHANGES?
Lionel: IN FIVE, FOUR...
- DON'T WORRY,
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE
TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT.
(music playing)
- AHOY, MATIES!
WELL, SHIVER ME TIMBERS
IF IT ISN'T TIME FOR PIRATE
PETE'S "CARTOON LAGOON."
AND I'D LIKE TO THANK MY
COUSIN LONG JOHN LOUDON
FOR TAKING COMMAND
OF THE SHIP YESTERDAY.
HAAAARRGHHH!
- THANK YOU, PIRATE PETE,
AND I'M SURE ALL THE
BUCCANEERS JOIN ME
IN WELCOMING YOU
BACK TO THE HELM.
- YO-HO-HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.
- ACTUALLY, PETE,
INSTEAD OF GLORIFYING
THE USE OF ALCOHOL,
FROM NOW ON, LET'S SAY,
"YO-HO-HO AND A GLASS OF
UNSWEETENED FRUIT JUICE."
- HUH?
- I KNOW, PIRATE PETE,
LET'S TELL EVERYBODY
ABOUT TODAY'S EXCITING SHOW.
- AYE, IT'S THURSDAY, AND
THAT MEANS TODAY'S CARTOON
WILL FEATURE THOSE TWO
SCAMPS, ROUGH AND TUMBLE.
- ACTUALLY, PETE, THERE'S
NO ROOM ON THIS SHIP
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T
BEHAVE LIKE LITTLE GENTLEMEN.
SO INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW
A FASCINATING FILM CALLED
"THE APPLE, NATURE'S
TOOTHBRUSH."
- WE'RE GONNA
SHOW A HYGIENE FILM?
- SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?
- THAT WAS PERCH.
HE SAYS HE LIKES THE
SOUND OF THAT FILM.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
- WELL, LET'S HOIST UP THE
NET AND CHECK THE MAIL.
- DON'T FORGET, BOYS AND GIRLS,
IF YOU WANT TO WRITE
PIRATE PETE HERE AT SEA,
YOU NEED ONE OF THESE
OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.
WHERE ARE THE MESSAGE BOTTLES?
- DON'T NEED 'EM, PIRATE PETE.
TURNS OUT LETTERS
ARE JUST AS GOOD.
- BUT THE BOTTLES WERE CUTE.
- STILL, IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA
TO THROW BOTTLES
OR ANYTHING ELSE
INTO OUR FRIEND, THE OCEAN.
NOW, FOR OUR FIRST LETTER.
"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I
REALLY ENJOY THE SHOW.
"COULD YOU PLEASE
REFRESH ME ON THE VOWELS.
"SIGNED, KENNY."
- C'MON, NO KID WROTE THAT.
- WELL, KENNY, THE VOWELS
ARE "A," "E," "I," "O," "U,"
AND SOMETIMES WHAT, PIRATE PETE?
- YOU LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
- THE ANSWER IS "Y."
WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
LET'S READ ANOTHER.
- GET THAT ONE WAY AT THE BACK.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS,
BUT IT SEEMS LONG JOHN
HAS HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT.
- PETE, LET ME
DOWN THIS INSTANT.
- MY KIDS, OLD LONG JOHN'S
FORGOT THE MAGIC WORD "PLEASE."
HE'S NOT BEHAVING
LIKE A LITTLE GENTLEMAN.
- PLEASE LET ME DOWN.
- A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
RIGHT NOW, LET'S
SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDS
AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY
SHOP HAVE FOR US TODAY.
(doll crying)
THIS IS FOR LAND-LOVING SISSIES.
(doll crying)
GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT SHOOTS.
PIRATE PETE'S GOT HIS SHOW BACK.
HAARRGGGHH!
- HAARRGGGHH!
- HAARRGGGHH!
- HA-HA-HAARRGGGHH!
- JOANNA, DID DICK SAY
HOW STEPHANIE REACTED
WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
ABOUT MY PRACTICAL JOKE?
- SHE WASN'T VERY
HAPPY ABOUT IT, GEORGE.
- SHE DIDN'T SAY, "WELL,
THAT'S A GOOD ONE ON ME,
"AND I BEAR NO GRUDGE
AGAINST OLD GEORGE"?
- NO, GEORGE.
- WELL, I MIGHT AS
WELL BRACE MYSELF.
STEPHANIE'S SMART.
SHE'S GONNA FIND SOME
REAL CLEVER SUBTLE WAY
TO GET BACK AT ME.
- UTLEY!
(theme music playing)
- MEOW.
(singing)
- OH-HOH!
FOR SOMEBODY FACING A TOUGH
NEGOTIATION WITH HIS BOSS,
YOU'RE CERTAINLY ACTING CHIPPER.
- WELL, THAT'S
BECAUSE I'VE COME UP
WITH A SURE-FIRE STRATEGY
ON HOW TO GET WHAT I WANT.
HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.
YOU BE BEV AND YOU
PLAY THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- BEV, I'D LIKE A MICROWAVE
FOR MY DRESSING ROOM.
- IN A PIG'S EYE, BOZO.
- IT'S MORE LIKE HER TO
SAY, "IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK."
- IN A PIG'S EYE, DICK.
- AH-HAH! YOU TOOK THE BAIT.
I DON'T WANT A MICROWAVE.
- THEN WHY DID YOU ASK FOR ONE?
- BEV, BEV, BEV,
YOU ARE SO NAIVE.
WHEN SHE TURNS ME DOWN,
SHE'LL BE CONSUMED WITH GUILT.
THEN I ASK HER FOR
WHAT I REALLY WANT,
NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.
HER ONLY ANSWER CAN BE,
"WHAT COLOR AND HOW SOON?"
- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
READY FOR ANYTHING, HONEY.
- EH, BRING ON THE MIDDLE EAST.
- I JUST PULLED
OFF WHAT COULD BE
THE GREATEST PRACTICAL
JOKE IN HISTORY.
YOU KNOW HOW STEPHANIE
IS ALWAYS SO WORRIED
ABOUT HER WEIGHT?
I TURNED HER SCALE
UP TWO POUNDS.
- YOU DIDN'T?
- YOU KNOW, GEORGE,
I MEAN, THAT ALMOST
BORDERS ON THE CRUEL.
(laughing)
- WOULD ANYONE KNOW IF
THERE'S BEEN AN INCREASE
IN THE EARTH'S
GRAVITATIONAL PULL LATELY?
- NOT THAT I'VE HEARD.
DICK?
- THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE NEWS.
- WHY?
- JUST ASKING.
(giggling)
- AND YOU TWO ARE TERRIBLE.
(screaming)
- AND SINCE THERE'S
NOTHING I ENJOY AFTER A SHOW
MORE THAN A PIPING
HOT DISH OF TATER TOTS,
I'D REALLY LIKE A MICROWAVE
IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
- OKAY.
- WHAT?
- WE'RE GETTING A NEW MICROWAVE
FOR THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE
SO I CAN LET YOU
HAVE THE OLD ONE.
WELL, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE?
- ACTUALLY, WHAT I REALLY WANTED
WAS NEW CARPETING FOR THE SET.
- C'MON, I JUST GAVE
YOU A MICROWAVE.
- BEV, DISASTERVILLE ON THE SET.
PETE WAS ABOUT TO GO ON THE AIR
AND THE BOOM MAN
HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.
PETE'S ON THE WAY
TO THE HOSPITAL
BUT, DON'T WORRY,
THE MIC'S OKAY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
WE DON'T HAVE A
HOST FOR THE SHOW?
- WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE I'M IN A POSITION
TO DO THE STATION A REAL FAVOR.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT COLOR
CARPET AND HOW SOON?
- BEIGE AND YESTERDAY.
- WELL, C'MON, DICK, WE DON'T
WANT TO KEEP THE KIDS WAITING.
- KIDS?
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU DIDN'T
SAY IT WAS A CHILDREN'S SHOW.
- IT'S NOT YOUR TYPICAL KID VID.
THIS ONE'S REAL SOPHISTICATED.
- MICHAEL, DRESSING
LIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH
IS NOT MY IDEA OF
SOPHISTICATION.
- NO TIME TO TALK, DICK.
NOW EVERYTHING'S ON CUE CARDS.
- IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...
(music playing)
- AHOY, MATIES.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS
IF IT ISN'T TIME
FOR PIRATE PETE'S
"CARTOON LAGOON."
NOW IT DOESN'T TAKE A SPYGLASS
TO TELL THAT I'M
NOT PIRATE PETE.
I'M LONG JOHN LOUDON,
HIS SCURVY COUSIN.
IF I COULD INTERJECT
SOMETHING HERE,
PIRATE PETE IS IN THE HOSPITAL
AND I'M SURE HE'D APPRECIATE
ANY CARDS OR LETTERS
YOU MIGHT SEND HIM.
BUT NOW ON WITH
THE FUN ME BUCKOS.
HAR.
HARR.
HAAAGHH.
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?
PERCH?
OH!
OH, PERCH, HOW ARE
YOU DOING TODAY, PERCH?
I AM FINE, LONG JOHN.
GOOD.
WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIL.
LET'S HOIST UP OUR NET
AND SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.
HARRR.
"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I
CAN'T WAIT TO GROW UP
"AND PLUNDER AND PILLAGE
THE HIGH SEAS JUST LIKE YOU."
I WISH YOU A LOT
OF LUCK, MELISSA.
REMEMBER, ME HEARTIES,
IF YOU WANT TO
WRITE US HERE AT SEA,
YOU'LL NEED ONE OF PIRATE
PETE'S OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.
THEY KEEP YOUR LETTER BONE
DRY AND THEY'RE ONLY... $5.95?
- THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, DICK.
- WELL, I DON'T WANT
THIS TO BE STOLEN.
I'D BETTER PUT IT
FOR SAFE-KEEPING
IN MY TRUSTY TREASURE CHEST,
WHICH YOU KIDS CAN
HAVE FOR ONLY $39.95.
OH, C'MON!
- LEAD INTO THE CARTOON, DICK.
- AND NOW, MATIES, IT'S TIME
FOR A ROWDY ROOSTER CARTOON.
LET'S WATCH.
Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.
- MICHAEL, THAT IS THE
MOST REPREHENSIBLE
CHILDREN'S SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'S JUST ONE LONG
VULGAR SALES PITCH.
- VULGAR?
THERE ARE SOME
DAMN FINE CARTOONS.
- THAT DUCK WAS JUST
FORCE-FED A STICK OF DYNAMITE.
(explosion)
- WHAT DUCK, DICK?
- MICHAEL.
- SORRY, DICK, YOU'RE ON AGAIN.
DOING A COMMERCIAL.
- A COMMERCIAL? THAT'S
A CHANGE OF PACE.
- CUE DICK.
(music playing)
- WE'RE BACK.
NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE LATEST IN FUN
FROM OUR VERY GOOD FRIENDS
AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY SHOP.
YOU KNOW, KIDS,
PIRATING IN THE '80S
DEMANDS A MODERN APPROACH.
THE ANNIHILATOR 5000.
- OW!
- I'M SORRY, LIONEL.
LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I CAN'T RECOMMEND
THIS TO CHILDREN.
I COULDN'T EVEN
RECOMMEND IT TO A MARINE.
- DICK, STICK WITH THE CARDS.
- PARENTS, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
TO LET YOUR CHILDREN
WATCH THIS SHOW.
LET 'EM READ A BOOK,
GO OUT AND PLAY,
WATCH FRUIT RIPEN,
ANYTHING BUT THIS.
- AND NOW BACK TO OUR
WONDERFUL CARTOON.
Lionel: AND WE'RE CLEAR.
- ALL RIGHT, DICK, DON'T WORRY.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL
DO SOME SWIRLY EFFECTS
AND WE'LL TELL THE KIDS
IT WAS A DREAM SEQUENCE.
Bev: DICK, MICHAEL,
TO MY OFFICE, NOW!
- OF COURSE, THAT
WON'T FOOL HER.
- HELL, GUYS, THE SWITCHBOARD
IS LIT UP WITH CALLS
SAYING PIRATE PETE IS A RIP-OFF.
WHAT THE HELL WAS
GOING ON OUT THERE?
- IT'S NOT MY FAULT, BEV.
I HAD EVERYTHING WRITTEN
DOWN ON CUE CARDS
BUT THEN DICK HAD
TO GO PAY ATTENTION
TO WHAT HE WAS READING.
- I'M PROUD OF WHAT I DID.
THAT SHOW WAS JUST A
BUNCH OF SALES PITCHES,
OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED
BY AN EXPLODING DUCK.
I MEAN, THAT MAN IS GETTING
RICH OFF INNOCENT CHILDREN.
- PETE'S NOT RICH.
- HE'S NOT?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THOSE MESSAGE
BOTTLES AND TREASURE CHESTS?
- DICK, THIS IS A TINY
STATION WITH A TINY AUDIENCE.
EVEN WITH THE PROMOTIONAL ITEMS,
WE PAY PETE ABOUT
AS MUCH AS WE PAY YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.
- AND NOW HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL
AND THE CREW IS SAYING
HE DOESN'T HAVE INSURANCE.
- OH, MY GOD.
(phone ringing)
- YES?
IT'S THE STATION OWNER.
HELLO?
- I'M NOT SORRY THAT I SPOKE UP
BUT MAYBE I'LL STOP
BY THE HOSPITAL
AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING
THAT THE POOR GUY NEEDS.
- WELL, DICK, AS LONG AS YOU'RE
GOING TO BE SEEING HIM ANYWAY,
COULD YOU TELL
PETE ONE MORE THING?
HE'S CANCELED.
- GOD, IT'S
HUMILIATING BEING FAT.
AS I RAN THROUGH TOWN,
PEOPLE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE SOMETHING
THEY'D TRIM OFF MEAT.
- STEPHANIE, ABOUT
THIS WEIGHT THING.
- I JUST CAN'T DEAL
WITH BEING IMPERFECT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'VE
HANDLED IT ALL THESE YEARS.
(sighing) OH, SORRY, YOU
WERE SAYING SOMETHING?
- ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.
IT'S A DARN SHAME.
OH, GEORGE, I THINK YOUR
PRACTICAL JOKE IS ABOUT OVER.
STEPHANIE JUST JOGGED
ALL MORNING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
- I KNOW.
SO I TURNED HER
SCALE UP A LITTLE MORE.
(screaming)
- HI, MR. PITTMAN.
YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
- OH?
- HI. I'M DICK LOUDON. I
TOOK OVER YOUR SHOW.
- OH, LISTEN, I CAN'T
THANK YOU ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY I MISSED IT
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE
A TV IN RADIOLOGY.
- DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH TIME,
YOU KNOW, HE'S STILL WEAK.
- THAT ELLEN, SHE'S TERRIFIC.
SHE GREW UP WATCHING MY SHOW.
NOW HER CHILDREN WATCH.
I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS OF MY OWN.
THAT'S MY FAMILY.
- SO HOW'S THE NOGGIN?
- I'LL BE 100% WHEN I
GET BACK TO THE SHOW.
- PETE, I HAVE SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
- YEAH?
- THIS ISN'T EASY.
- YOU KNOW, WHEN MY
LITTLE MATIES HAVE TROUBLE
TELLING THEIR MOMMIES
AND DADDIES SOMETHING,
I GIVE THEM A PIECE OF ADVICE.
I TELL THEM TO TAKE
IN A DEEP BREATH,
THEN LET IT OUT, THEN
SAY WHAT'S ON THEIR MINDS.
- WELL, THIS IS A LITTLE MORE
THAN A BAD REPORT CARD.
- WELL, WHAT WORKS
FOR THE LITTLE MATIES
WORKS FOR GROWN-UP
BUCCANEERS TOO.
SO WHY DON'T YOU TRY?
JUST TAKE IN A DEEP BREATH,
LET IT OUT, THEN SAY IT.
- YOU'RE CANCELED.
- BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY WOULD THEY CANCEL ME?
THE SHOW WAS SO POPULAR.
- WELL, THE WAY I
HEARD THE STORY,
SOMEONE POINTED OUT
THAT IT WAS LONG ON VIOLENCE
AND COMMERCIALISM, AND
SHORT ON ANYTHING GOOD.
- WELL, WHO WOULD
STAB ME IN THE BACK
WHEN I'M IN THE HOSPITAL?
(exhales)
- ME.
- YOU?
- LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR
'EM TO CANCEL YOUR SHOW
BUT I WAS SELLING
$40 CARDBOARD...
THE DUCK EXPLODED.
I SHOT LIONEL.
- DID YOU SAVE A BULLET FOR ME?
- SUPPOSE I TRY TO
GET YOUR SHOW BACK?
- CAN YOU DO THAT?
- HEY, I GOT YOU
CANCELED, DIDN'T I?
- HI, I'M LARRY AND THIS
IS MY BROTHER DARYL.
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR
OTHER BROTHER DARYL?
- I'M SORRY, HE'S TOO
UPSET TO PARTICIPATE
IN THIS CONVERSATION.
WE'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS UP
WITH THE SPOUSE OF THE HOUSE.
- DICK, RIGHT AWAY.
- OH, HI, GUYS.
- EASY, DARYL.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- DARYL AIN'T BEEN THE SAME
SINCE HE HEARD THAT PIRATE
PETE GOT THE PROVERBIAL AXE.
IT WAS HIS FAVORITE
PROGRAM NEXT TO "NIGHT LINE."
- GUYS, BEFORE YOU
GET TOO WORKED UP,
I TALKED THE STATION INTO
PUTTING PIRATE PETE BACK ON.
I'M GONNA CO-HOST WITH HIM TODAY
AND SHOW HIM HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
- WELL, DARYL'S ADOPTING
A WAIT-AND-SEE ATTITUDE.
OH, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU DON'T MIND SOME
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM,
WE COULD TELL IT WAS
YOU TALKING FOR PERCH.
- WELL, I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING THE SHOW.
- GOOD. 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE
EDUCATIONAL AND ENTERTAINING
WITHOUT SACRIFICING
ONE IOTA OF FUN.
- YEAH, AND I HEAR YOU LOOK
RIDICULOUS IN A PIRATE SUIT.
- WELL, THE PRACTICAL
JOKE IS OFFICIALLY OVER.
- AH, FINALLY.
I HOPE STEPHANIE WASN'T
TOO ANGRY WHEN YOU TOLD HER.
- OH, I DIDN'T TELL HER.
SHE WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.
I JUST SET HER SCALE
BACK TO NORMAL.
SHE'LL WEIGH HERSELF
AND EVERYTHING
WILL BE FINE AGAIN.
- MAKE WAY, I'M COMING
DOWN AND I NEED ROOM.
- I DON'T THINK SHE'S
WEIGHED HERSELF YET.
- STEPHANIE, WHY ARE
YOU WEARING THAT?
(sighing)
- I COULDN'T GET OUT
OF MY LUNCH DATE WITH MICHAEL.
THIS IS TURNING
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
CAN YOU MAKE OUT ANY HINT
OF MY SHAPE UNDER HERE?
- AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, YOU
COULD BE RIDING A HORSE.
- WHO AM I KIDDING?
ONE LOOK AT THESE CHUBBY CHEEKS
AND MICHAEL WILL START
CALLING ME "BIG MOMMA."
- STEPHANIE, IF YOU
WEIGH YOURSELF AGAIN,
YOU MIGHT BE
PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
- YOU SEE, THIS IS
THE KIND OF RIBBING
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET USED TO.
- MICHAEL, WHAT'S KEEPING PETE?
THERE'S NO POINT IN MY
DOING THE SHOW ALONE.
- BELIEVE ME, DICK,
NOBODY WANTS THAT.
- STEPH?
- I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR
NOT RECOGNIZING ME.
MICHAEL, SOMETHING
HORRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.
I'VE BALLOONED TWO POUNDS.
- WHAT?
WELL,
THERE'LL JUST BE
MORE OF YOU TO LOVE.
- MICHAEL, PLEASE.
I KNOW IT'S ONLY
A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE YOU DROP ME.
I'D LOSE RESPECT
FOR YOU IF YOU DIDN'T.
JUST TRY TO REMEMBER
ME WITH ONE CHIN.
- STEPH, IT CAN'T END THIS WAY.
CALL IF YOU GET BETTER.
- MICHAEL!
STEPHANIE, YOU HAVEN'T
GAINED ANY WEIGHT.
GEORGE RIGGED YOUR SCALE.
- WHAT?
WHY WOULD HE DO
A THING LIKE THAT?
- IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.
- IT'S SICK AND DEPRAVED.
- I TRIED TO STOP HIM.
OH, NO, THROW THAT
IN THE DUMPSTER.
THE TOY SHOP PROMISED ME
THAT THEY'D SEND SOMETHING
THAT WOULDN'T MASSACRE THE CREW.
- STEPH, YOU'VE BEEN
THROUGH A TRAUMA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO
MY OFFICE AND COOL DOWN.
- PETE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I ASKED YOU TO COME
HERE A FEW MINUTES EARLY
SO WE COULD DISCUSS
CHANGES IN THE SHOW.
- TEN SECONDS TO AIR.
- I AM EARLY.
WHAT ARE THE CHANGES?
Lionel: IN FIVE, FOUR...
- DON'T WORRY,
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE
TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT.
(music playing)
- AHOY, MATIES!
WELL, SHIVER ME TIMBERS
IF IT ISN'T TIME FOR PIRATE
PETE'S "CARTOON LAGOON."
AND I'D LIKE TO THANK MY
COUSIN LONG JOHN LOUDON
FOR TAKING COMMAND
OF THE SHIP YESTERDAY.
HAAAARRGHHH!
- THANK YOU, PIRATE PETE,
AND I'M SURE ALL THE
BUCCANEERS JOIN ME
IN WELCOMING YOU
BACK TO THE HELM.
- YO-HO-HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.
- ACTUALLY, PETE,
INSTEAD OF GLORIFYING
THE USE OF ALCOHOL,
FROM NOW ON, LET'S SAY,
"YO-HO-HO AND A GLASS OF
UNSWEETENED FRUIT JUICE."
- HUH?
- I KNOW, PIRATE PETE,
LET'S TELL EVERYBODY
ABOUT TODAY'S EXCITING SHOW.
- AYE, IT'S THURSDAY, AND
THAT MEANS TODAY'S CARTOON
WILL FEATURE THOSE TWO
SCAMPS, ROUGH AND TUMBLE.
- ACTUALLY, PETE, THERE'S
NO ROOM ON THIS SHIP
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T
BEHAVE LIKE LITTLE GENTLEMEN.
SO INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO SHOW
A FASCINATING FILM CALLED
"THE APPLE, NATURE'S
TOOTHBRUSH."
- WE'RE GONNA
SHOW A HYGIENE FILM?
- SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?
- THAT WAS PERCH.
HE SAYS HE LIKES THE
SOUND OF THAT FILM.
- NO, I DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
- WELL, LET'S HOIST UP THE
NET AND CHECK THE MAIL.
- DON'T FORGET, BOYS AND GIRLS,
IF YOU WANT TO WRITE
PIRATE PETE HERE AT SEA,
YOU NEED ONE OF THESE
OFFICIAL MESSAGE BOTTLES.
WHERE ARE THE MESSAGE BOTTLES?
- DON'T NEED 'EM, PIRATE PETE.
TURNS OUT LETTERS
ARE JUST AS GOOD.
- BUT THE BOTTLES WERE CUTE.
- STILL, IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA
TO THROW BOTTLES
OR ANYTHING ELSE
INTO OUR FRIEND, THE OCEAN.
NOW, FOR OUR FIRST LETTER.
"DEAR PIRATE PETE, I
REALLY ENJOY THE SHOW.
"COULD YOU PLEASE
REFRESH ME ON THE VOWELS.
"SIGNED, KENNY."
- C'MON, NO KID WROTE THAT.
- WELL, KENNY, THE VOWELS
ARE "A," "E," "I," "O," "U,"
AND SOMETIMES WHAT, PIRATE PETE?
- YOU LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
- THE ANSWER IS "Y."
WELL, THAT WAS FUN.
LET'S READ ANOTHER.
- GET THAT ONE WAY AT THE BACK.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS,
BUT IT SEEMS LONG JOHN
HAS HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT.
- PETE, LET ME
DOWN THIS INSTANT.
- MY KIDS, OLD LONG JOHN'S
FORGOT THE MAGIC WORD "PLEASE."
HE'S NOT BEHAVING
LIKE A LITTLE GENTLEMAN.
- PLEASE LET ME DOWN.
- A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
RIGHT NOW, LET'S
SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDS
AT THE BUNNY HUTCH TOY
SHOP HAVE FOR US TODAY.
(doll crying)
THIS IS FOR LAND-LOVING SISSIES.
(doll crying)
GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT SHOOTS.
PIRATE PETE'S GOT HIS SHOW BACK.
HAARRGGGHH!
- HAARRGGGHH!
- HAARRGGGHH!
- HA-HA-HAARRGGGHH!
- JOANNA, DID DICK SAY
HOW STEPHANIE REACTED
WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
ABOUT MY PRACTICAL JOKE?
- SHE WASN'T VERY
HAPPY ABOUT IT, GEORGE.
- SHE DIDN'T SAY, "WELL,
THAT'S A GOOD ONE ON ME,
"AND I BEAR NO GRUDGE
AGAINST OLD GEORGE"?
- NO, GEORGE.
- WELL, I MIGHT AS
WELL BRACE MYSELF.
STEPHANIE'S SMART.
SHE'S GONNA FIND SOME
REAL CLEVER SUBTLE WAY
TO GET BACK AT ME.
- UTLEY!
(theme music playing)
- MEOW.