Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 23 - Replaceable You - full transcript

(theme music playing)

- HI. I'M LARRY.

(audience applause)

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARYL.

COULD WE BORROW
150 POUNDS OF SUGAR?

- CAN YOU MAKE DO
WITH A CUP OF SUGAR?

- NO. ONE CUP AIN'T GONNA
HOLD THE DOOR OPEN.

- LARRY, YOU DON'T
NEED SUGAR FOR THAT.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
USING, OH, A ROCK?

- WHOA, YOU GOT SOME KIND
OF ENGINEERING BACKGROUND



OR SOMETHING?

- HI, EVERYBODY. I
HAVE GREAT NEWS.

I'M GONNA REDECORATE MY ROOM.

- YOU ARE?

- EVERY SO OFTEN I
CHANGE IT AROUND

SO I DON'T FALL INTO A RUT.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU DO IT?

- EVERY 10 YEARS.

IN APRIL.

ON A MONDAY.

AFTER LUNCH.

BUT THIS TIME, I'M PRETTY
MUCH OUT OF IDEAS

SO, JOANNA, COULD YOU...

- OH, GEORGE, I'M NOT SURE
WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE.



- JOANNA, YOU HAVE THE BEST
TASTE OF ANYBODY I KNOW.

- THEN OBVIOUSLY YOU NEED
TO GET TO KNOW DARYL BETTER.

HE'S THE ONE THAT CAME
UP WITH THAT DIRT IDEA

FOR THE FLOOR OF OUR CABIN.

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO
WOO HIM AS A CONSULTANT.

- WELL, THAT'S VERY
NICE OF YOU, FELLAS,

BUT I DID ASK JOANNA FIRST.

- THAT'S OKAY.

DARYL IS PRICED A LITTLE
BIT OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

- SO, JOANNA?

- OKAY, GEORGE.

I'LL COME UP IN AN HOUR
AND MAKE A FEW SUGGESTIONS

BUT THAT'S ALL.
- AN HOUR?

YOU COULD GIVE A
GUY SOME NOTICE.

- HERE'S YOUR BREAKFAST.

- STEPHANIE, JUST A HINT.

IT'S BACON AND EGGS.
NOT BACON THEN EGGS.

- MORNING, STRATFORD-INNITES.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BREAKFAST
FOR A MICHAEL HARRIS BULLETIN.

I'M GOING AWAY FOR A WEEK.

- MICHAEL.

- SAVE THOSE BOO-HOOS, STEPH.

I'VE GOT A BIG JOB INTERVIEW.

- MICHAEL!

- IN SYRACUSE.

- MICHAEL.

- CUPCAKE, SYRACUSE
IS UP AND COMING.

IT'S OFTEN CALLED THE NEW
YORK OF CENTRAL NEW YORK.

- MICHAEL, YOU JUST
CAN'T TAKE OFF FOR A WEEK.

WHO'S GOING TO PRODUCE
"VERMONT TODAY"?

- NO PROBLEMO.

I'VE ASKED ALMA SPROAT
TO FILL MY FLOOR SHOTS.

- THE STATION'S RECEPTIONIST?

WELL, WHAT DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT
PRODUCING A TELEVISION SHOW?

- NOT A HELL OF A LOT.

BUT IN CASE I DON'T GET THE
JOB, WATCH MY STOCK RISE.

(laughing)

ALMA WILL BE FINE.

THIS WEEK, I'VE LINED YOU
UP WITH THE PERFECT GUEST,

NAME: MR. NED NICHOLAS.

OCCUPATION: BUILDS MODELS
OF NATIONAL MONUMENTS

OUT OF CHERRY LIFESAVERS.

THAT'S THE SUPREME
COURT BUILDING.

- IT IS?

- C'MON, DICK, YOU'RE
THE HISTORY BUFF.

- I DON'T WANT NED NICHOLAS
AND HIS CANDY MODELS.

VERY BAD CANDY MODELS.

I WANT DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF.

- COME AGAIN?

- DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF,

THE GUY WHO SPENT 10
YEARS IN A RUSSIAN GULAG

AND THEN ESCAPED
TO THE UNITED STATES.

- DICK, DICK, THE
U.S., RUSSIA, US, THEM,

WHAT CAN YOU SAY THAT
HASN'T ALREADY BEEN SAID?

- MICHAEL...

- WHOOPS, OOH, I'VE
GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

OH, BYE, STEPH.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR
REGULARLY SCHEDULED BREAKFAST.

(giggling)

(music playing)

(knock on door)

- HELLO, MR. LOUDON.
I'M ALMA SPROAT.

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT
PRODUCING YOUR SHOW THIS WEEK.

- YEAH. YEAH, THIS
CANDY ARCHITECT

SHOULD REALLY BE SOMETHING.

- OH, YES, IT'LL BE
FASCINATING TO SEE

WHAT THE WASHINGTON
MONUMENT WILL LOOK LIKE

IF IT'S RED AND ROUND.

- YEAH, WE'LL PROBABLY
WANT TO BUILD TO THAT.

- I KNOW I'M BRAND
NEW AT THIS JOB

AND IT'S PROBABLY
NOT MY PLACE TO SAY

BUT... THIS GUEST
IS REALLY STUPID.

- OH, ALMA.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

HE'S ALREADY BOOKED.

- WELL, LET'S GIVE
HIM THE OLD HEAVE-HO.

- WE CAN'T JUST
CANCEL HIM, CAN WE?

- SO, WHO SHALL WE BOOK INSTEAD?

- CAN WE REALLY DO THIS?

- C'MON, WHO'S YOUR DREAM GUEST?

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANYONE
ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH,

WHO WOULD IT BE?

- AT THIS MOMENT, YOU.

BUT MY SECOND CHOICE
WOULD BE DIMITRI ALEXANDOFF.

- THE ESCAPED RUSSIAN?
HE'D BE A GREAT GUEST.

- YEAH, BUT HOW WOULD
WE GET A BUSY GUY LIKE THAT

ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE?

- EASY, I KNOW HIS SECRETARY

AND I HAVE THE RECIPE
FOR A STROGANOFF

THAT'LL MAKE HIM HUSTLE HIS
BUNSKIES RIGHT OVER HERE.

(music playing)

- SO WHAT SORT OF CHANGES
DO YOU USUALLY MAKE?

- WELL, 10 YEARS AGO, I
MOVED THIS FROM OVER THERE.

TEN YEARS BEFORE THAT, I
MOVED IT FROM OVER THERE.

TEN YEARS BEFORE THAT, IT
WASN'T HERE SO I BOUGHT IT.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU USE THE ROOM?

TO READ, TO WATCH
TELEVISION, TO WORK?

- YES.

- MM-HM.

- SO NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT
A HANDLE ON THE PRIVATE ME,

WHAT SHOULD THIS
PLACE LOOK LIKE?

- THIS.

- C'MON, THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING YOU COULD DO

TO IMPROVE THIS PLACE.

- NOTHING REALLY.

MAYBE I'D ADD A SPLASH OF COLOR.

- WHOA, COLOR!

WHAT KIND OF COLOR?

- WELL, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE?

- BOY, THEY'RE ALL
SO NICE, I DON'T KNOW.

- HOW ABOUT BLUE?

- BLUE, THAT'S MY FAVORITE!

NO OFFENSE TO THE OTHERS.

- WELL, YOU COULD
HAVE A BLUE BEDSPREAD.

- A BLUE BEDSPREAD.

JOANNA, YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT.

HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THIS ROOM.

I'LL STAY AT THE INN.

DON'T SHOW IT TO ME
UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.

- IT MIGHT BE KIND OF FUN.

I DID SEE SOME NICE
CURTAINS AT BENFER'S.

- CURTAINS!

BOY!
- GEORGE,
I'LL DO IT, OKAY?

(music playing)

- WHEN I FINALLY
STEPPED OFF PLANE,

I REALIZED AT LAST I AM FREE.

I THREW MYSELF TO THE GROUND.

I TOOK DIRT.

I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH.

I WANTED TO TASTE FREEDOM.

OH, MY GOD, IT WAS SWEET.

- WOW!

ANOTHER THING I'D
LOVE TO ASK YOU...

OH, DARN... WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

- JOIN US NEXT WEEK
ON "VERMONT TODAY."

- AND WE'RE CLEAR.

(applause)

- WELL, THAT WAS WONDERFUL.

I GREW AS A HUMAN BEING.

- THANK YOU, DICK.
YOU MUST BUY MY BOOK.

COULD SOMEONE HELP ME
CARRY SIX QUARTS OF STROGANOFF

TO TRUNK OF MY COUPE
DEVILLE WITH LANDAU ROOF?

- YOU MUST SAY GOODBYE
TO THE LOVELY MRS. SPROAT.

- DICK, THIS SHOW WAS GOOD.

- THANK YOU, J.J.

- NO, I MEAN IT. IT WAS GOOD.

NORMALLY, I DON'T GO IN
FOR THIS PUBLIC AFFAIRS STUFF

BUT TODAY, FIVE
MINUTES INTO THE SHOW,

WE COMPLETELY FORGOT
OUR TRIVIAL PURSUIT GAME.

- YOU PLAY GAMES WHILE
YOU'RE DIRECTING MY SHOW?

- WELL, IT KEEPS THE GUYS IN
THE BOOTH FROM NODDING OFF.

BUT TODAY, THE GAME WAS
ALMOST, WELL, A DISTRACTION.

THANKS TO THIS LITTLE
LADY RIGHT OVER HERE.

- THANKS.

OH, J.J., WOULD YOU HELP ME
CLEAR THINGS OFF THE SET?

- OH, ALMA.

- I MADE SOME
BUTTERSCOTCH CHEWIES.

- WITH PEANUT BUTTER?

(sighing)

- DICK, I THINK YOU'VE
HIT YOUR STRIDE.

THIS SHOW MOVED ME.

WHEN HE TOLD ABOUT FINALLY
GETTING A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE

AND THEY HAD CENSORED EVERYTHING

EXCEPT THE WORDS "CONTINUED
ON NEXT PAGE," I WEPT.

- WELL, THANKS, BEV.

I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR A REPLACEMENT

IN CASE MICHAEL GETS
THE SYRACUSE JOB

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I'D
LIKE TO RECOMMEND THAT GIRL.

- WELL, FROM WHAT
I'VE SEEN TODAY,

SHE'S GREAT BUT MICHAEL PHONED.

HE DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

- OH. SO HE'LL BE STAYING ON.

- YOU DON'T SOUND TOO
HAPPY ABOUT THAT, DICK.

- HE'S STAYING ON.

WHOOPEE.

- WELL, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO STAY.

- YOU MEAN, FIRE HIM?

- WELL, HE WOULDN'T
REALLY BE FIRED.

HE DOES A BUNCH OF
OTHER SHOWS FOR US.

- THAT'S TRUE.

HE'S GOT "CARTOON
LAGOON," "SEWING WITH SUZY,"

"BINKY THE CLOWN,"

"HEY, YOU, FARMER,"

THE "MR. SING WITH ME HOUR."

- YOU WANT ALMA, DON'T YOU?

- WELL, THIS IS MICHAEL'S
MOST IMPORTANT SHOW.

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE
STATION MANAGER,

YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND,
I'LL ABIDE BY YOUR DECISION.

- GOOD, BECAUSE I'VE
DECIDED TO LET YOU DECIDE.

MICHAEL OR ALMA, BUT
JUST TELL ME BY TOMORROW.

(music playing)

- I'M READY TO SHOW
GEORGE'S ROOM.

HE IS SUCH A PACK RAT.

I HAD TO FIND A
PLACE IN THE GARAGE

FOR 20 YEARS OF "BOY'S LIFE."

- SOUNDS PRETTY.

- OH, HONEY, ARE YOU STILL
WORRIED ABOUT ALMA AND MI...

- ABOUT ALMA AND MICHAEL?

- REMEMBER LAST
NIGHT YOU SUGGESTED

I TRY TO THINK OF
ALL THE GOOD THINGS

MICHAEL HAD DONE FOR ME?

- YEAH.

- ALL I COULD COME UP WITH

WAS THE TIME I WAS
WALKING IN THE DRIVEWAY

AND HE SWERVED TO MISS ME.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU
SHOULD GO WITH ALMA.

- ARE YOU NUTS?
THAT WOULD CRUSH...

- THAT WOULD CRUSH MICHAEL.

- THEN I GUESS
YOU'LL STAY WITH HIM.

- THAT'S STUPID.

ALMA JUST PRODUCED
THE BEST SHOW I EVER DID.

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T KINDNESS,
DECENCY AND SKILL BE REWARDED?

- YES.
- NO!

I DON'T WANT TO FIRE MICHAEL.

I DO FEEL SOMETHING FOR HIM.

THE KIND OF AFFECTION
YOU FEEL FOR A PUPPY

THAT YOU DON'T LIKE VERY MUCH.

I MEAN, WHAT THE
HELL AM I GONNA DO?

I HAVE TO DECIDE
BETWEEN MICHAEL...

- BETWEEN MICHAEL...
- STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP TALKING ABOUT
IT BEHIND MY BACK.

- STEPHANIE, I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU KNEW.

- HOW CAN I NOT KNOW SOMETHING

THAT'S GOING TO DESTROY
MICHAEL LIKE THIS?

- THERE'S NOTHING
DEFINITE ABOUT IT YET.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THESE ARE DEFINITELY SPLIT ENDS.

AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SAY IT
LOUD ENOUGH, YES, EVERYBODY,

STEPHANIE VANDERKELLEN
HAS SPLIT ENDS.

(sobbing)

(music playing)

- OKAY.

WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
ROOM I EVER SAW.

I NEVER... WHOA, THAT WAS CLOSE.

- GEORGE, RELAX,
THE RUG IS THERE

FOR YOU TO WALK ON AND ENJOY.

- GREAT.

OH, WHAT A LOVELY BEDSPREAD.

- IT'S A 200-YEAR-OLD ANTIQUE.

- AH-AH-AHH.

AND WOW, LOOK AT
THOSE PRETTY CUSHIONS.

- I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THEM.

DID YOU NOTICE THE WAY
THE RASPBERRY CANDIES

BRING OUT THE COLOR IN
THOSE THROW PILLOWS?

- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T.

- BOY, THIS LOOKS COMFY.

- AREN'T YOU GONNA SIT IN IT?

- I CAN'T, IT'LL WRINKLE.

- NO.

NO, IT WON'T. SIT.

- I CAN'T.
- SIT.

- I CAN'T.
- SIT!

- SEE, IT DID WRINKLE.

- NO, IT DIDN'T.

WELL, GEE, IT DID WRINKLE.

(knocking on door)

- HI.

TO BE BRIEF, IT'S US.

WE'RE HERE TO WISH YOU
A HAPPY ROOM-WARMING.

- GET OFF THE RUG!

- GEORGE.

- I'M SORRY.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE?

- NOT ON THE BED!

YOU THREE GUYS CAN SIT
ON THE WRINKLED CHAIR.

- DARYL LIKES WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH THE ROOM.

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S VERY FLATTERING,
COMING FROM A DECORATOR.

- I'M AFRAID YOU'RE BARKING
UP THE WRONG DARYL.

THE DECORATOR DARYL FEELS

YOU'VE MADE INEFFECTUAL
USE OF YOUR SPACE.

- NO OFFENSE, GUYS, BUT I THINK
JOANNA HAS CREATED A WARM,

COMFORTABLE, INVITING...
DON'T TOUCH THE CANDY.

YIKES!

- OH, DEAR, LOOK
HOW LATE IT'S GOTTEN.

C'MON, DARYL.

WE'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU FOR A LOVELY TIME.

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT
HAVING ANY MORE PARTIES,

WE CAN RSVP YOU RIGHT NOW.

NO.

- YOU HATE IT.
- NO, I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT SO MUCH I COULD
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LIVE IN IT.

EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAN, SO NEAT.

- CLEAN IS THE PROBLEM?
NEAT IS THE PROBLEM?

- CAN YOU LIVE IN IT NOW?

- I GUESS SO.

IF THE BOARD OF
HEALTH SAYS IT'S OKAY.

(music playing)

(knocking on door)

Dick: COME IN.

- HI, DICK.

YOUR PRODIGAL
PRODUCER HAS RETURNED.

- MICHAEL, I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

- SURE THING. OH, BETWEEN
YOU, ME AND THE LAMP POST,

HOW DID ALMA DO?

- ALMA WAS TERRIFIC.

- SWELL. I MUST
REMEMBER TO GIVE HER

ONE OF MY PATENTED WELL-DONES.

- MICHAEL, I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU.

- SAY NO MORE, DICK.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO
OFFER YOUR CONDOLENCES

ABOUT THE SYRACUSE JOB.

WELL, FORGET IT.

(sniggering)

I REALIZE THAT THAT
WAS NOT THE JOB

FOR THIS UP-AND-COMER.

I'D RATHER BE HERE
AROUND PEOPLE I TRUST

AND, PARDON MY MUSH,
REALLY GET OFF ON.

- MICHAEL...
- BESIDES,

IT'S HARDER TO BURST ON
THE SCENE FROM SYRACUSE.

THERE HAVE BEEN STUDIES.

OH, BY THE WAY, NOW, THE WORD
I'M GIVING THE UNDERLINGS HERE

IS THAT I'M THE ONE
WHO TURNED THEM DOWN.

IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE
THE RESPECT OF THE PEOPLE

YOU WORK WITH, NO MATTER
HOW MUCH YOU HAVE TO LIE.

- MICHAEL, SOMETIMES WE GO
AWAY AND WHEN WE COME BACK,

THINGS AREN'T THE
SAME AS THEY USED TO BE.

- WOW, THAT'S PROFOUND.

UP FOR LUNCH?

- MICHAEL, YOU'RE...

YOU'RE AN OKAY PRODUCER.

BUT ALMA IS BETTER

AND THAT'S WHY I'M HIRING
HER FOR "VERMONT TODAY" AND...

AND REVERSING THE
PROCESS FOR YOU.

- COULDN'T HEAR YOU, DICK.

- YOU'RE SORT OF FIRED.

- WHAT?

- I'M SORRY.

- FIRED?

Dick: BUT ONLY FROM
"VERMONT TODAY."

I MEAN, YOU STILL HAVE
ALL THOSE OTHER SHOWS.

MICHAEL, I...
- NO, DON'T TOUCH ME.

- I WASN'T GOING TO TOUCH YOU.

- "VERMONT TODAY" WAS MY SHOW.

I CREATED IT. I CREATED YOU.

I MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE TODAY,

YOU BACK STABBER.

I'M SORRY, DICK, BUT
AFTER THIS SLAP IN THE FACE,

I DON'T THINK I CAN
WORK WITH YOU AGAIN.

- WELL, THAT'S KIND OF GOOD.

BECAUSE, AS I SAID, YOU WON'T.

(knocking on door)

- DICK, GUESS WHAT?

OH, HI, MICHAEL.

I JUST GOT A CALL FROM SYRACUSE.

THEY SAW SUNDAY'S
"VERMONT TODAY"

AND OFFERED ME A JOB,

THE ONE YOU SAID
THEY COULD SHOVE.

AND SYRACUSE IS
CLOSE TO MY DAUGHTER.

OH, I OWE ALL THIS
TO BOTH OF YOU.

MWAH!

MWAH!

IS THIS A HAPPY DAY OR WHAT?

- WELL, DICK, LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE OUT OF A PRODUCER.

AND YOU CAN JUST
FORGET THIS GUY.

BEG AND WEEP ALL YOU WANT.

THE FACT IS I COULD NEVER
COME BACK TO "VERMONT TODAY."

- I UNDERSTAND, MICHAEL,
AND MAYBE IT'S BEST

IF WE BOTH PART
COMPANY AND START FRESH.

- PLEASE, DICK, PLEASE,
PLEASE, I WANT TO COME BACK.

PLEASE, PLEASE,
I'LL BEG IF I HAVE TO.

- MICHAEL, BEFORE
YOU LOSE YOUR PRIDE...

- I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT,

ANYTHING JUST TO
GET MY JOB BACK.

- WE HAVE DIFFERENT TASTES.

WE'VE NEVER AGREED ON
A GUEST FOR THE SHOW.

- JUST TELL ME WHO YOU WANT
AND I'LL WRITE IT ON THE FORM.

- DR. RAOUL FINCH,
THE PALEONTOLOGIST.

- HOW ABOUT IF HE CAME
IN ON THE ARMS OF SOME

LOCAL CHEERLEADERS?

- MICHAEL.

- HE COULD TALK ABOUT
HOW THEIR BONES DIFFER

FROM THOSE OF CRO-MAGNON
CHEERLEADERS, HM?

- MICHAEL.

- ALL RIGHT.

YOU PICK THE GUESTS.

NO ARGUMENTS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AM I STILL YOUR PRODUCER?

- I KNOW I'M GONNA REGRET
THIS MORE THAN I ALREADY DO,

(sighing)

OKAY.

- THAT'S THE FINEST
THING... (sighing)

THAT'S THE FINEST THING I'VE
EVER SEEN A HUMAN BEING DO.

WELL, FROM NOW ON, IT'S
GONNA BE A WHOLE NEW SHOW.

AND A WHOLE NEW ME.

(theme music playing)

- MEOW!