Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 22 - Baby, I'm Your Handyman - full transcript
An actress with a reputation as a man-eater stays at the Inn and takes a liking to George, much to Dick and Joanna's concern.
(theme music playing)
(music playing)
- DICK, IS THAT THE LORETTA
DUPRIS, THE ACTRESS?
- WELL, SHE IS
COMING TO DO A SHOW
AT THE MAPLE GROVE THEATER.
- DON'T PLAY WITH ME, DICK.
IS IT HER OR NOT?
- SOUNDS LIKE IT.
- SHE'S COMING TODAY?
- GEORGE, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WE'VE HAD PERFORMERS
STAY HERE BEFORE.
- DICK, WINK
MARTINDALE IS ONE THING.
LORETTA DUPRIS MAKES HIM
LOOK LIKE SMALL POTATOES.
- REALLY? WHO IS SHE?
- SHE WAS ONLY THE
STAR OF "KINSEY CORNERS."
SHE PLAYED MADISON
WHITWORTH, THE CRUEL VIXEN
WHO VICTIMIZED EVERY
MAN IN DINSMORE COUNTY.
- SOUNDS LIKE WE COULD
ASK FOR OUR MONEY UP FRONT.
- THIS IS GOING RIGHT
IN MY SCRAPBOOK.
- GEORGE, THAT
ISN'T HER AUTOGRAPH.
I WROTE IT.
- OH?
WELL, MAYBE I'LL KEEP
IT TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
- DICK, WHEN SOMEONE CANCELS,
ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CROSS IT OUT.
- HONEY, GEORGE TOOK
LORETTA DUPRIS' NAME
AS A MOMENTO.
- LORETTA DUPRIS IS COMING HERE?
THAT HUSSY?
- HONEY, I'M SURE THAT'S
THE PART SHE PLAYS
ON THAT SERIES.
- WELL, I HEAR THEY BASED
THE CHARACTER ON HER
AND THEY HAD TO TONE
IT DOWN FOR TELEVISION.
- HI, DICK.
HERE'S THE BIO ON
THIS WEEK'S GUEST.
I SHOULD HAVE AN EASY
TIME DIRECTING THIS SHOW.
A 600-POUND MAN
ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
- THANKS, J.J. BUT YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO COME
ALL THE WAY FROM
THE STATION WITH THIS.
- JUST SEEMED LIKE
THE NEIGHBORLY
THING TO DO, NEIGHBOR.
- YOU LIVE IN THE NEXT COUNTY.
- NOT ANYMORE, NEIGHBOR.
- J.J., ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
- GET THAT OLD CUP
OF SUGAR READY.
WE'RE NEIGHBORS.
- GREAT.
- I JUST BOUGHT THAT
OLD PLACE ON THE CORNER.
- OH, THE ROCKINGHAM HOUSE,
THAT'S ONE OF THE OLDEST
STRUCTURES IN TOWN.
OH, I'M GLAD IT'S GONNA
GET THE CARE IT DESERVES.
- DAMN RIGHT.
I'M GONNA 'DOZE IT.
- WHAT?
- WELL, YOU DON'T
EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN IT?
THAT PLACE MUST
BE 100 YEARS OLD.
- TRY 250.
- WOW.
THAT ROOF'S GONNA FALL
ON A LOT OF MEMORIES.
HA.
LUCKILY, THERE'S A
GUEST HOUSE I CAN STAY IN
WHILE I PUT UP THIS BABY.
- YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE IN A MUSHROOM?
- IT'S A SATELLITE HOUSE, DICK.
- J.J., THIS IS A
COLONIAL COMMUNITY.
THIS IS THE TYPE OF HOUSES
WHERE GEORGE WASHINGTON
WOULD HAVE SLEPT,
NOT GEORGE JETSON.
- FINE, DICK.
THANKS FOR PARKING THE
WELCOME WAGON ON MY HEART.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE A LITTLE
CAREFUL WALKING BY MY HOUSE.
SOMETIMES THOSE
WRECKING BALLS SWING WIDE.
- HELLO. I'M LORETTA DUPRIS.
I HAVE A RESERVATION.
- OH, YES, YES, WE'RE
EXPECTING YOU.
SIGN HERE, MISS VIXEN...
DUPRIS.
I'LL HAVE OUR HANDYMAN
HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS.
(bell rings)
- ROOM 7.
- ALLOW ME, MISS DUPRIS.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
(music playing)
- WELL, I PUT THE KIBOSH
ON OUR NEW NEIGHBOR'S
RENOVATION PLANS.
I TOLD THE LANDMARK COMMISSION.
THEY'VE ISSUED AN INJUNCTION
TO STOP HIM FROM REPLACING
AN HISTORICAL HOUSE
WITH SPACE STATION, J.J.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.
(clearing throat)
- OH, PLEASE, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.
- YES. YES, I DO.
- PLEASE SIT, SIT.
I JUST WANTED TO
INVITE ALL OF YOU
TO BE MY GUESTS FOR
THE OPENING TONIGHT.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
WE'D BE DELIGHTED.
- IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO
AFTER ALL THE ATTENTION
YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME.
AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE
THE FRESH CUT FLOWERS
IN MY ROOM EVERY MORNING.
- FRESH CUT FLOWERS?
- IT'S ALL PART OF THE SERVICE.
- HEY, WE DIDN'T GET ANY
FLOWERS THIS MORNING.
- WE HAVE YOU SCHEDULED
FOR AFTERNOON FLOWERS.
- PLEASE JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.
- NOBODY INVITED
US TO BREAKFAST.
- YOU'RE GETTING FLOWERS, OKAY?
- THANK YOU, BUT ALL I HAVE
TIME FOR IS A CUP OF COFFEE.
- I'LL GET IT.
- OH, NO, I CAN.
- HERE'S YOUR COFF O' CUPPEE.
- GEORGE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO EVERYTHING FOR ME.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN IN MY ROOM
TEN TIMES IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS FIXING THINGS.
- THEY WERE ALL
NECESSARY REPAIRS.
- GEORGE, YOU FIXED MY SOAP.
- HAS IT GIVEN YOU
ANY MORE TROUBLE?
- WELL, I JUST WISH I HAD
SOMEONE AS CONSCIENTIOUS AS YOU
AT THE THEATER.
- WHAT FOR?
- WELL, THE FOG
MACHINE ISN'T WORKING.
- I COULD TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
- GREAT.
WELL, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
I... OH NO, I SHOULDN'T ASK.
THEN YOU'D HAVE TO
BE THERE EVERY NIGHT.
- EVERY NIGHT, OH BOY, I MEAN,
I HAVE TO CHECK MY SCHEDULE.
- OH, OKAY.
WELL, I BETTER GET
TO THE THEATER.
OH, BY THE WAY, JOANNA,
I NEED A PAIR OF
EARRINGS FOR THE PLAY.
IS THERE A GOOD
JEWELRY STORE IN TOWN?
- I COULD BUY YOU SOME.
I HAVE TO GO TO TOWN ANYWAY
TO PICK UP MOLE PELLETS.
- GEORGE, I THINK I PROBABLY
HAVE SOME EARRINGS
I CAN LEND MISS DUPRIS.
- THANK YOU.
- DICK, COULD I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
- SURE, GEORGE.
- DO YOU THINK IT'S
POSSIBLE LORETTA LIKES ME?
I MEAN, EITHER I'M CRAZY OR
SHE'S SENDING ME SIGNALS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- THE ONLY OTHER
CHOICE IS CRAZY?
- DICK, I CAN'T WORK ANYMORE.
THE DRAIN IS FULL OF GUNK
AND THERE IS A HOLE
IN MY RUBBER GLOVE.
- STEPHANIE, WE HAVE
OTHER RUBBER GLOVES.
- I COULD MAKE A
HOLE IN THEM TOO.
- STEPHANIE.
(sighing)
- SO GEORGE, WHAT KIND OF
SIGNALS IS LORETTA SENDING?
- WELL, SHE INSISTED
I CALL HER LORETTA.
- WELL, THAT'S HER NAME.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- DOES TOO.
WHAT ELSE, GEORGE?
- WELL, WHEN I POURED THE
COFFEE FOR HER JUST NOW,
SHE PUT HER HAND ON MINE.
- OOH!
- THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.
YOU WERE BOTH REACHING
FOR THE POT AT THE SAME TIME.
- DICK, DICK, DICK.
DID IT GO LIKE THIS?
"NO, NO, I CAN..."
- YEAH, IT WAS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MAYBE A LITTLE SMOOTHER.
- THIS WOMAN IS GOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF ALL THAT?
- SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTS YOU.
ONLY A FOOL COULD
MISREAD THOSE SIGNALS.
- STEPHANIE, SEE IF YOU
CAN PICK UP THIS SIGNAL.
CLEAN THE DRAIN.
- OH, POOH.
- SO, WHAT ABOUT IT, DICK?
DO YOU THINK LORETTA LIKES ME?
- WELL, I, UH, YOU KNOW, I
CAN'T DENY THAT IT'S, UH,
STARTING TO LOOK THAT, UH,
WITHIN THE REALM
OF POSSIBILITY THAT,
UM, MAYBE SHE MIGHT.
- OH, DON'T HAND ME THAT.
WHAT WOULD A WOMAN LIKE
THAT SEE IN A GUY LIKE ME?
YOU ASK A PAL FOR A
LITTLE HONEST ADVICE
AND HE BLOWS SUNSHINE
UP YOUR OVERALLS.
- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- GEORGE THINKS
LORETTA'S INTERESTED IN HIM.
- WELL, I HOPE NOT.
THAT WOMAN GOES THROUGH MEN
LIKE A THRESHER THROUGH WHEAT.
- HONEY, YOU CAN'T
GO BY HEARSAY.
- I'M NOT, I READ IT ON THE
FRONT PAGE OF A NEWSPAPER,
WHILE I WAS IN THE EXPRESS
LINE AT THE SUPERMARKET.
- WELL, DESPITE
YOUR DOCUMENTATION,
I THINK THAT STUFF ABOUT
WOMEN BEING ABLE TO TWIST MEN
AROUND THEIR LITTLE
FINGER IS A LOT OF HOOEY.
- HI, MICHAEL, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- HI. NO TIME TO
TALK, STEPH PHONED.
SHE'S GOT A GLOP CRISIS ON.
GOT TO GET IN THERE,
CLEAN THE DRAIN FOR HER.
(music playing)
- HI, LORETTA.
- HI, GEORGE...
OH, IS THE FOG MACHINE FIXED?
- GET READY TO FEEL BRITISH.
- OH-OH-HOH.
OHH!
- I WOULD HAVE SHOWN
IT TO YOU SOONER
BUT I LOST IT IN THE FOG.
(laughing)
- OH, IT'S KIND OF
ROMANTIC, ISN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- HALF HOUR TO
CURTAIN, MISS DUPRIS.
BREAK A LEG.
- WHOA! I HEARD SHOW
BUSINESS WAS DOG EAT DOG.
- NO, GEORGE, IN THE THEATER,
IT'S BAD LUCK TO WISH
SOMEBODY GOOD LUCK
SO INSTEAD YOU WISH SOMETHING
BAD TO HAPPEN TO THEM.
- OH, WELL, PUT AN EYE OUT.
- THANK YOU.
GEORGE, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
THERE'S A SCENE IN THE THIRD
ACT I CAN'T QUITE MEMORIZE.
WOULD YOU GO OVER IT WITH ME?
- GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW.
THE ONLY TIME I EVER ACTED
WAS WHEN I PLAYED A
MOLAR IN A HYGIENE PAGEANT.
- GOOD, YOU'VE HAD EXPERIENCE.
NOW, THIS IS GOING TO
BE THE SHIPBOARD SCENE.
LET'S USE THIS AS THE RAILING.
TAKE IT FROM RIGHT THERE.
- I'M AFRAID OUR ATLANTIC
CROSSING IS ALMOST OVER.
- TOMORROW, I'LL BE BACK
WITH EDWARD IN SURREY.
- AND I'LL BE AT MY
CLUB IN THE STRAND,
TRYING TO MEND A BROKEN
HEART WITH WHISKEY AND SODA.
- I SHAN'T FORGET YOU, BASIL.
- NOR I YOU.
- ISN'T THERE MORE, GEORGE?
- IT SAYS "THEY KISS."
- ARE WE STILL REHEARSING?
- YES,
FOR THIS.
(music playing)
- I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU CAN STAY SO CALM
AFTER WHAT WE SAW
WITH GEORGE AND LORETTA.
- WELL, WE KNOW WHAT WE SAW.
IT WAS DARK, IT WAS FOGGY.
- WELL, WHAT I SAW
LOOKED PRETTY GOOD TO ME.
WHAT SAY WE RENT ONE
OF THOSE FOG MACHINES
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
- WHOO, WE COULD
DO THE AIRPORT SCENE
FROM "CASABLANCA."
- HERE'S LOOKING
AT YOU, CUPCAKE.
(giggling)
- HONEY, WE HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT GEORGE.
HE SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED
WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
SHE USES MEN.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'LL TAKE HIM
FOR EVERY POWER TOOL HE'S GOT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SHE'LL HAVE A FEW LAUGHS,
GET SOME FREE WORK
DONE AT THE THEATER
AND GEORGE WILL
MISTAKE THAT FOR LOVE.
WHEN SHE MOVES ON,
HE'LL HAVE A BROKEN HEART
AND SHE'LL HAVE A FOG
MACHINE THAT WORKS.
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
- WHAT DO WE DO?
- YOU TALK TO HIM.
- OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.
- NO PROBLEM.
I'LL HAVE THAT WIND MACHINE
FIXED FIRST THING TOMORROW.
- OH, THANKS, GEORGE.
THE PLAY IS SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN THE FURNITURE ISN'T
BLOWN INTO THE AUDIENCE.
OH, HELLO.
- WE REALLY ENJOYED YOUR
PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.
- THANK YOU.
- WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
FOR NOW.
- 'NIGHT, DICK, JOANNA.
- GEORGE, I HAVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT YOU AND LORETTA.
- AND I HAVE TO LEAVE.
- DICK, IS THIS GONNA BE ONE
OF THOSE FATHER/SON TALKS?
- GEORGE, YOUR
PERSONAL LIFE IS YOUR OWN.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF
TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
JUST, DUMP LORETTA.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- GEORGE, YOU KNOW
HER REPUTATION WITH MEN.
I MEAN, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY
SURE SHE ISN'T JUST USING YOU
FOR FREE HELP AT THE THEATER?
- NOW, JUST HOLD ON THERE, DICK.
LORETTA IS A WONDERFUL,
GIVING PERSON.
SHE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO
LET ME FIX HER FOG MACHINE.
BUT THERE'S MORE TO OUR
RELATIONSHIP THAN THAT.
I'M GONNA FIX HER WIND MACHINE.
WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T
SHE BE INTERESTED IN ME?
OKAY, SO MAYBE I'M NOT
RICH, MAYBE I'M NOT HANDSOME,
MAYBE I'M NOT SOPHISTICATED.
OH, GEE, SHE IS USING ME.
(music playing)
(knocking on door)
- COME IN.
- HI.
SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.
- SO, THIS IS YOUR ROOM.
IT'S JUST AS I IMAGINED.
- WELL, YOU WERE WRONG.
THIS IS USUALLY OVER HERE.
- MAY I SIT DOWN?
- SURE, THERE'S A REAL
COMFORTABLE CHAIR
BACK IN THE LOBBY.
- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME HERE.
- WELL, I DID, BUT TONIGHT
ISN'T GONNA WORK OUT.
I NEED TO FIX MY STOVE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- WELL, IT GETS REAL HOT.
- ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO?
- WHO DIED AND
MADE YOU HANDYMAN?
- ANYWAY, I HAVE LOTS
OF OTHER THINGS TO DO.
I HAVE TO WASH MY FEET.
- GEORGE, WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING. FEET GET
DIRTY, THAT'S LIFE.
IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH IT,
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
SEE EACH OTHER.
- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I THOUGHT I FELT SOMETHING
SPECIAL HAPPENING BETWEEN US.
- NO, I WAS JUST USING YOU TO
GET CLOSE TO THE FOG MACHINE.
- I SEE.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL.
(music playing)
- OH, MISS DUPRIS, I WAS JUST
ABOUT TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
(crying)
- BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU FEEL
THAT STRONGLY ABOUT IT...
- I'M SORRY IT'S JUST THAT,
OH, I THOUGHT HE
WAS SO DIFFERENT.
HE SEEMED SO
GENUINE, SO VULNERABLE.
- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?
- HE'S WONDERFUL.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY JERKS
A WOMAN LIKE ME
HAS TO PUT UP WITH
BEFORE SHE MEETS
A MAN LIKE THAT.
- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'VE BEEN SENDING OUT
SIGNALS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
- YEAH, I PICKED UP ON THAT.
- I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY
HE SUDDENLY TURNED SO COLD.
- WELL, MAYBE HE FEELS THAT,
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN USING HIM,
YOU'VE JUST BEEN
PRETENDING TO LIKE HIM
TO GET HIM TO DO
THINGS AT THE THEATER.
YOU KNOW, I'M ONLY GUESSING.
- WHERE WOULD HE
GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
- WELL, MAYBE HE HAS
SOME STUPID FRIENDS,
YOU KNOW, WHO'VE
HEARD THOSE STORIES
ABOUT ALL THE MEN
YOU'VE CHEWED UP
LIKE A GIANT GARBAGE
DISPOSAL OF LOVE.
- OH, THAT DAMN MURRAY.
- WHO?
- MURRAY,
MY PRESS AGENT.
HE CREATED THAT
EVIL VIXEN IMAGE.
HE THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE GOOD FOR MY CAREER.
- SO ALL OF THIS IS
DAMN MURRAY'S FAULT.
- OH, THAT STUFF NEVER
BOTHERED GEORGE.
THOSE FRIENDS YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT,
THEY MUST HAVE
POISONED HIS MIND.
BUT WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING
THAT LOW, THAT INSENSITIVE,
THAT STUPID?
- THAT WOULD BE ME.
- YOU?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO
SEE GEORGE GET HURT
SO I GAVE HIM SOME
MISINFORMATION
AND RIPPED HIS HEART OUT.
THAT'S NOT TO
UNDERESTIMATE, YOU KNOW,
MURRAY'S ROLE IN ALL OF THIS.
BUT I THINK GEORGE
REALLY LIKES YOU
AND IT WOULDN'T TAKE
MUCH TO UNDO THE DAMAGE
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MURRAY AND I HAVE DONE.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU WERE
TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
I'M SORRY I SAID YOU
WERE LOW AND INSENSITIVE.
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I
DON'T TAKE BACK "STUPID."
- HI, DICK.
I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT
I SAW THE LIGHT ON.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S
ABOUT TO GO OFF.
- AS LONG AS WE'RE
GONNA BE NEIGHBORS,
YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS ABOUT ME.
I'M LIABLE TO STOP BY
ANY HOUR, DAY OR NIGHT,
TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GONNA CHRISTEN THIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH A BEAUT.
- LOOK, J.J...
- SOME BIG MOUTH BLABBED
TO THE LANDMARK COMMISSION
ABOUT MY SATELLITE HOUSE
AND THEY SLAPPED
ME WITH AN INJUNCTION
AGAINST 'DOZING THE OLD ONE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO LIVE
IN THAT 200-YEAR-OLD
PILE OF MATCHSTICKS.
WHO DID IT?
DICK, WHO WOULD DO A LOW,
INSENSITIVE, STUPID
THING LIKE THAT?
- THAT WOULD BE MURRAY.
(music playing)
(knocking on door)
Loretta: GEORGE, IT'S ME.
CAN WE TALK?
- GO AHEAD.
Loretta: CAN I COME IN?
- GEORGE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO
RUN THE FOG MACHINE ANYMORE.
- YOU DON'T?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO
ANYTHING AT THE THEATER FOR ME.
- REALLY?
- I ONLY WANT ONE
THING FROM YOU.
- WHAT?
- WOULD YOU HELP ME RUN
THE LINES IN THAT SCENE AGAIN?
- GEE, I DON'T HAVE THE SCRIPT.
- THAT'S OKAY. I
REMEMBER HOW IT ENDS.
(music playing)
- GEORGE, ANOTHER
LETTER FROM LORETTA?
- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY?
- SHE'S PLAYING IN
RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
I GUESS I BETTER SKIP THAT
PART, IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
THEN SHE SAYS... NO...
MAYBE I SHOULD
SKIP THAT PART TOO.
I'M GONNA SKIP THAT PART.
SHE'S IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
(music playing)
- DICK, IS THAT THE LORETTA
DUPRIS, THE ACTRESS?
- WELL, SHE IS
COMING TO DO A SHOW
AT THE MAPLE GROVE THEATER.
- DON'T PLAY WITH ME, DICK.
IS IT HER OR NOT?
- SOUNDS LIKE IT.
- SHE'S COMING TODAY?
- GEORGE, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WE'VE HAD PERFORMERS
STAY HERE BEFORE.
- DICK, WINK
MARTINDALE IS ONE THING.
LORETTA DUPRIS MAKES HIM
LOOK LIKE SMALL POTATOES.
- REALLY? WHO IS SHE?
- SHE WAS ONLY THE
STAR OF "KINSEY CORNERS."
SHE PLAYED MADISON
WHITWORTH, THE CRUEL VIXEN
WHO VICTIMIZED EVERY
MAN IN DINSMORE COUNTY.
- SOUNDS LIKE WE COULD
ASK FOR OUR MONEY UP FRONT.
- THIS IS GOING RIGHT
IN MY SCRAPBOOK.
- GEORGE, THAT
ISN'T HER AUTOGRAPH.
I WROTE IT.
- OH?
WELL, MAYBE I'LL KEEP
IT TO REMEMBER YOU BY.
- DICK, WHEN SOMEONE CANCELS,
ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CROSS IT OUT.
- HONEY, GEORGE TOOK
LORETTA DUPRIS' NAME
AS A MOMENTO.
- LORETTA DUPRIS IS COMING HERE?
THAT HUSSY?
- HONEY, I'M SURE THAT'S
THE PART SHE PLAYS
ON THAT SERIES.
- WELL, I HEAR THEY BASED
THE CHARACTER ON HER
AND THEY HAD TO TONE
IT DOWN FOR TELEVISION.
- HI, DICK.
HERE'S THE BIO ON
THIS WEEK'S GUEST.
I SHOULD HAVE AN EASY
TIME DIRECTING THIS SHOW.
A 600-POUND MAN
ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
- THANKS, J.J. BUT YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO COME
ALL THE WAY FROM
THE STATION WITH THIS.
- JUST SEEMED LIKE
THE NEIGHBORLY
THING TO DO, NEIGHBOR.
- YOU LIVE IN THE NEXT COUNTY.
- NOT ANYMORE, NEIGHBOR.
- J.J., ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
- GET THAT OLD CUP
OF SUGAR READY.
WE'RE NEIGHBORS.
- GREAT.
- I JUST BOUGHT THAT
OLD PLACE ON THE CORNER.
- OH, THE ROCKINGHAM HOUSE,
THAT'S ONE OF THE OLDEST
STRUCTURES IN TOWN.
OH, I'M GLAD IT'S GONNA
GET THE CARE IT DESERVES.
- DAMN RIGHT.
I'M GONNA 'DOZE IT.
- WHAT?
- WELL, YOU DON'T
EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN IT?
THAT PLACE MUST
BE 100 YEARS OLD.
- TRY 250.
- WOW.
THAT ROOF'S GONNA FALL
ON A LOT OF MEMORIES.
HA.
LUCKILY, THERE'S A
GUEST HOUSE I CAN STAY IN
WHILE I PUT UP THIS BABY.
- YOU'RE GONNA
LIVE IN A MUSHROOM?
- IT'S A SATELLITE HOUSE, DICK.
- J.J., THIS IS A
COLONIAL COMMUNITY.
THIS IS THE TYPE OF HOUSES
WHERE GEORGE WASHINGTON
WOULD HAVE SLEPT,
NOT GEORGE JETSON.
- FINE, DICK.
THANKS FOR PARKING THE
WELCOME WAGON ON MY HEART.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE A LITTLE
CAREFUL WALKING BY MY HOUSE.
SOMETIMES THOSE
WRECKING BALLS SWING WIDE.
- HELLO. I'M LORETTA DUPRIS.
I HAVE A RESERVATION.
- OH, YES, YES, WE'RE
EXPECTING YOU.
SIGN HERE, MISS VIXEN...
DUPRIS.
I'LL HAVE OUR HANDYMAN
HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS.
(bell rings)
- ROOM 7.
- ALLOW ME, MISS DUPRIS.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
(music playing)
- WELL, I PUT THE KIBOSH
ON OUR NEW NEIGHBOR'S
RENOVATION PLANS.
I TOLD THE LANDMARK COMMISSION.
THEY'VE ISSUED AN INJUNCTION
TO STOP HIM FROM REPLACING
AN HISTORICAL HOUSE
WITH SPACE STATION, J.J.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.
(clearing throat)
- OH, PLEASE, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.
- YES. YES, I DO.
- PLEASE SIT, SIT.
I JUST WANTED TO
INVITE ALL OF YOU
TO BE MY GUESTS FOR
THE OPENING TONIGHT.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
WE'D BE DELIGHTED.
- IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO
AFTER ALL THE ATTENTION
YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME.
AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE
THE FRESH CUT FLOWERS
IN MY ROOM EVERY MORNING.
- FRESH CUT FLOWERS?
- IT'S ALL PART OF THE SERVICE.
- HEY, WE DIDN'T GET ANY
FLOWERS THIS MORNING.
- WE HAVE YOU SCHEDULED
FOR AFTERNOON FLOWERS.
- PLEASE JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.
- NOBODY INVITED
US TO BREAKFAST.
- YOU'RE GETTING FLOWERS, OKAY?
- THANK YOU, BUT ALL I HAVE
TIME FOR IS A CUP OF COFFEE.
- I'LL GET IT.
- OH, NO, I CAN.
- HERE'S YOUR COFF O' CUPPEE.
- GEORGE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO EVERYTHING FOR ME.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN IN MY ROOM
TEN TIMES IN THE LAST
THREE DAYS FIXING THINGS.
- THEY WERE ALL
NECESSARY REPAIRS.
- GEORGE, YOU FIXED MY SOAP.
- HAS IT GIVEN YOU
ANY MORE TROUBLE?
- WELL, I JUST WISH I HAD
SOMEONE AS CONSCIENTIOUS AS YOU
AT THE THEATER.
- WHAT FOR?
- WELL, THE FOG
MACHINE ISN'T WORKING.
- I COULD TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
- GREAT.
WELL, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
I... OH NO, I SHOULDN'T ASK.
THEN YOU'D HAVE TO
BE THERE EVERY NIGHT.
- EVERY NIGHT, OH BOY, I MEAN,
I HAVE TO CHECK MY SCHEDULE.
- OH, OKAY.
WELL, I BETTER GET
TO THE THEATER.
OH, BY THE WAY, JOANNA,
I NEED A PAIR OF
EARRINGS FOR THE PLAY.
IS THERE A GOOD
JEWELRY STORE IN TOWN?
- I COULD BUY YOU SOME.
I HAVE TO GO TO TOWN ANYWAY
TO PICK UP MOLE PELLETS.
- GEORGE, I THINK I PROBABLY
HAVE SOME EARRINGS
I CAN LEND MISS DUPRIS.
- THANK YOU.
- DICK, COULD I ASK
YOU SOMETHING?
- SURE, GEORGE.
- DO YOU THINK IT'S
POSSIBLE LORETTA LIKES ME?
I MEAN, EITHER I'M CRAZY OR
SHE'S SENDING ME SIGNALS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- THE ONLY OTHER
CHOICE IS CRAZY?
- DICK, I CAN'T WORK ANYMORE.
THE DRAIN IS FULL OF GUNK
AND THERE IS A HOLE
IN MY RUBBER GLOVE.
- STEPHANIE, WE HAVE
OTHER RUBBER GLOVES.
- I COULD MAKE A
HOLE IN THEM TOO.
- STEPHANIE.
(sighing)
- SO GEORGE, WHAT KIND OF
SIGNALS IS LORETTA SENDING?
- WELL, SHE INSISTED
I CALL HER LORETTA.
- WELL, THAT'S HER NAME.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- DOES TOO.
WHAT ELSE, GEORGE?
- WELL, WHEN I POURED THE
COFFEE FOR HER JUST NOW,
SHE PUT HER HAND ON MINE.
- OOH!
- THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.
YOU WERE BOTH REACHING
FOR THE POT AT THE SAME TIME.
- DICK, DICK, DICK.
DID IT GO LIKE THIS?
"NO, NO, I CAN..."
- YEAH, IT WAS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MAYBE A LITTLE SMOOTHER.
- THIS WOMAN IS GOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF ALL THAT?
- SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTS YOU.
ONLY A FOOL COULD
MISREAD THOSE SIGNALS.
- STEPHANIE, SEE IF YOU
CAN PICK UP THIS SIGNAL.
CLEAN THE DRAIN.
- OH, POOH.
- SO, WHAT ABOUT IT, DICK?
DO YOU THINK LORETTA LIKES ME?
- WELL, I, UH, YOU KNOW, I
CAN'T DENY THAT IT'S, UH,
STARTING TO LOOK THAT, UH,
WITHIN THE REALM
OF POSSIBILITY THAT,
UM, MAYBE SHE MIGHT.
- OH, DON'T HAND ME THAT.
WHAT WOULD A WOMAN LIKE
THAT SEE IN A GUY LIKE ME?
YOU ASK A PAL FOR A
LITTLE HONEST ADVICE
AND HE BLOWS SUNSHINE
UP YOUR OVERALLS.
- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- GEORGE THINKS
LORETTA'S INTERESTED IN HIM.
- WELL, I HOPE NOT.
THAT WOMAN GOES THROUGH MEN
LIKE A THRESHER THROUGH WHEAT.
- HONEY, YOU CAN'T
GO BY HEARSAY.
- I'M NOT, I READ IT ON THE
FRONT PAGE OF A NEWSPAPER,
WHILE I WAS IN THE EXPRESS
LINE AT THE SUPERMARKET.
- WELL, DESPITE
YOUR DOCUMENTATION,
I THINK THAT STUFF ABOUT
WOMEN BEING ABLE TO TWIST MEN
AROUND THEIR LITTLE
FINGER IS A LOT OF HOOEY.
- HI, MICHAEL, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- HI. NO TIME TO
TALK, STEPH PHONED.
SHE'S GOT A GLOP CRISIS ON.
GOT TO GET IN THERE,
CLEAN THE DRAIN FOR HER.
(music playing)
- HI, LORETTA.
- HI, GEORGE...
OH, IS THE FOG MACHINE FIXED?
- GET READY TO FEEL BRITISH.
- OH-OH-HOH.
OHH!
- I WOULD HAVE SHOWN
IT TO YOU SOONER
BUT I LOST IT IN THE FOG.
(laughing)
- OH, IT'S KIND OF
ROMANTIC, ISN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- HALF HOUR TO
CURTAIN, MISS DUPRIS.
BREAK A LEG.
- WHOA! I HEARD SHOW
BUSINESS WAS DOG EAT DOG.
- NO, GEORGE, IN THE THEATER,
IT'S BAD LUCK TO WISH
SOMEBODY GOOD LUCK
SO INSTEAD YOU WISH SOMETHING
BAD TO HAPPEN TO THEM.
- OH, WELL, PUT AN EYE OUT.
- THANK YOU.
GEORGE, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
THERE'S A SCENE IN THE THIRD
ACT I CAN'T QUITE MEMORIZE.
WOULD YOU GO OVER IT WITH ME?
- GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW.
THE ONLY TIME I EVER ACTED
WAS WHEN I PLAYED A
MOLAR IN A HYGIENE PAGEANT.
- GOOD, YOU'VE HAD EXPERIENCE.
NOW, THIS IS GOING TO
BE THE SHIPBOARD SCENE.
LET'S USE THIS AS THE RAILING.
TAKE IT FROM RIGHT THERE.
- I'M AFRAID OUR ATLANTIC
CROSSING IS ALMOST OVER.
- TOMORROW, I'LL BE BACK
WITH EDWARD IN SURREY.
- AND I'LL BE AT MY
CLUB IN THE STRAND,
TRYING TO MEND A BROKEN
HEART WITH WHISKEY AND SODA.
- I SHAN'T FORGET YOU, BASIL.
- NOR I YOU.
- ISN'T THERE MORE, GEORGE?
- IT SAYS "THEY KISS."
- ARE WE STILL REHEARSING?
- YES,
FOR THIS.
(music playing)
- I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU CAN STAY SO CALM
AFTER WHAT WE SAW
WITH GEORGE AND LORETTA.
- WELL, WE KNOW WHAT WE SAW.
IT WAS DARK, IT WAS FOGGY.
- WELL, WHAT I SAW
LOOKED PRETTY GOOD TO ME.
WHAT SAY WE RENT ONE
OF THOSE FOG MACHINES
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
- WHOO, WE COULD
DO THE AIRPORT SCENE
FROM "CASABLANCA."
- HERE'S LOOKING
AT YOU, CUPCAKE.
(giggling)
- HONEY, WE HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT GEORGE.
HE SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED
WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
SHE USES MEN.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'LL TAKE HIM
FOR EVERY POWER TOOL HE'S GOT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SHE'LL HAVE A FEW LAUGHS,
GET SOME FREE WORK
DONE AT THE THEATER
AND GEORGE WILL
MISTAKE THAT FOR LOVE.
WHEN SHE MOVES ON,
HE'LL HAVE A BROKEN HEART
AND SHE'LL HAVE A FOG
MACHINE THAT WORKS.
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
- WHAT DO WE DO?
- YOU TALK TO HIM.
- OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.
- NO PROBLEM.
I'LL HAVE THAT WIND MACHINE
FIXED FIRST THING TOMORROW.
- OH, THANKS, GEORGE.
THE PLAY IS SO MUCH BETTER
WHEN THE FURNITURE ISN'T
BLOWN INTO THE AUDIENCE.
OH, HELLO.
- WE REALLY ENJOYED YOUR
PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.
- THANK YOU.
- WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.
FOR NOW.
- 'NIGHT, DICK, JOANNA.
- GEORGE, I HAVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT YOU AND LORETTA.
- AND I HAVE TO LEAVE.
- DICK, IS THIS GONNA BE ONE
OF THOSE FATHER/SON TALKS?
- GEORGE, YOUR
PERSONAL LIFE IS YOUR OWN.
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF
TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.
JUST, DUMP LORETTA.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- GEORGE, YOU KNOW
HER REPUTATION WITH MEN.
I MEAN, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY
SURE SHE ISN'T JUST USING YOU
FOR FREE HELP AT THE THEATER?
- NOW, JUST HOLD ON THERE, DICK.
LORETTA IS A WONDERFUL,
GIVING PERSON.
SHE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO
LET ME FIX HER FOG MACHINE.
BUT THERE'S MORE TO OUR
RELATIONSHIP THAN THAT.
I'M GONNA FIX HER WIND MACHINE.
WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T
SHE BE INTERESTED IN ME?
OKAY, SO MAYBE I'M NOT
RICH, MAYBE I'M NOT HANDSOME,
MAYBE I'M NOT SOPHISTICATED.
OH, GEE, SHE IS USING ME.
(music playing)
(knocking on door)
- COME IN.
- HI.
SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.
- SO, THIS IS YOUR ROOM.
IT'S JUST AS I IMAGINED.
- WELL, YOU WERE WRONG.
THIS IS USUALLY OVER HERE.
- MAY I SIT DOWN?
- SURE, THERE'S A REAL
COMFORTABLE CHAIR
BACK IN THE LOBBY.
- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME HERE.
- WELL, I DID, BUT TONIGHT
ISN'T GONNA WORK OUT.
I NEED TO FIX MY STOVE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- WELL, IT GETS REAL HOT.
- ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO?
- WHO DIED AND
MADE YOU HANDYMAN?
- ANYWAY, I HAVE LOTS
OF OTHER THINGS TO DO.
I HAVE TO WASH MY FEET.
- GEORGE, WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING. FEET GET
DIRTY, THAT'S LIFE.
IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH IT,
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
SEE EACH OTHER.
- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
I THOUGHT I FELT SOMETHING
SPECIAL HAPPENING BETWEEN US.
- NO, I WAS JUST USING YOU TO
GET CLOSE TO THE FOG MACHINE.
- I SEE.
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL.
(music playing)
- OH, MISS DUPRIS, I WAS JUST
ABOUT TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.
(crying)
- BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU FEEL
THAT STRONGLY ABOUT IT...
- I'M SORRY IT'S JUST THAT,
OH, I THOUGHT HE
WAS SO DIFFERENT.
HE SEEMED SO
GENUINE, SO VULNERABLE.
- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?
- HE'S WONDERFUL.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY JERKS
A WOMAN LIKE ME
HAS TO PUT UP WITH
BEFORE SHE MEETS
A MAN LIKE THAT.
- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'VE BEEN SENDING OUT
SIGNALS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
- YEAH, I PICKED UP ON THAT.
- I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY
HE SUDDENLY TURNED SO COLD.
- WELL, MAYBE HE FEELS THAT,
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN USING HIM,
YOU'VE JUST BEEN
PRETENDING TO LIKE HIM
TO GET HIM TO DO
THINGS AT THE THEATER.
YOU KNOW, I'M ONLY GUESSING.
- WHERE WOULD HE
GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
- WELL, MAYBE HE HAS
SOME STUPID FRIENDS,
YOU KNOW, WHO'VE
HEARD THOSE STORIES
ABOUT ALL THE MEN
YOU'VE CHEWED UP
LIKE A GIANT GARBAGE
DISPOSAL OF LOVE.
- OH, THAT DAMN MURRAY.
- WHO?
- MURRAY,
MY PRESS AGENT.
HE CREATED THAT
EVIL VIXEN IMAGE.
HE THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE GOOD FOR MY CAREER.
- SO ALL OF THIS IS
DAMN MURRAY'S FAULT.
- OH, THAT STUFF NEVER
BOTHERED GEORGE.
THOSE FRIENDS YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT,
THEY MUST HAVE
POISONED HIS MIND.
BUT WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING
THAT LOW, THAT INSENSITIVE,
THAT STUPID?
- THAT WOULD BE ME.
- YOU?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO
SEE GEORGE GET HURT
SO I GAVE HIM SOME
MISINFORMATION
AND RIPPED HIS HEART OUT.
THAT'S NOT TO
UNDERESTIMATE, YOU KNOW,
MURRAY'S ROLE IN ALL OF THIS.
BUT I THINK GEORGE
REALLY LIKES YOU
AND IT WOULDN'T TAKE
MUCH TO UNDO THE DAMAGE
THAT, YOU KNOW,
MURRAY AND I HAVE DONE.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU WERE
TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
I'M SORRY I SAID YOU
WERE LOW AND INSENSITIVE.
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I
DON'T TAKE BACK "STUPID."
- HI, DICK.
I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT
I SAW THE LIGHT ON.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S
ABOUT TO GO OFF.
- AS LONG AS WE'RE
GONNA BE NEIGHBORS,
YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS ABOUT ME.
I'M LIABLE TO STOP BY
ANY HOUR, DAY OR NIGHT,
TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
WE'RE GONNA CHRISTEN THIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH A BEAUT.
- LOOK, J.J...
- SOME BIG MOUTH BLABBED
TO THE LANDMARK COMMISSION
ABOUT MY SATELLITE HOUSE
AND THEY SLAPPED
ME WITH AN INJUNCTION
AGAINST 'DOZING THE OLD ONE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO LIVE
IN THAT 200-YEAR-OLD
PILE OF MATCHSTICKS.
WHO DID IT?
DICK, WHO WOULD DO A LOW,
INSENSITIVE, STUPID
THING LIKE THAT?
- THAT WOULD BE MURRAY.
(music playing)
(knocking on door)
Loretta: GEORGE, IT'S ME.
CAN WE TALK?
- GO AHEAD.
Loretta: CAN I COME IN?
- GEORGE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO
RUN THE FOG MACHINE ANYMORE.
- YOU DON'T?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO
ANYTHING AT THE THEATER FOR ME.
- REALLY?
- I ONLY WANT ONE
THING FROM YOU.
- WHAT?
- WOULD YOU HELP ME RUN
THE LINES IN THAT SCENE AGAIN?
- GEE, I DON'T HAVE THE SCRIPT.
- THAT'S OKAY. I
REMEMBER HOW IT ENDS.
(music playing)
- GEORGE, ANOTHER
LETTER FROM LORETTA?
- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY?
- SHE'S PLAYING IN
RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
I GUESS I BETTER SKIP THAT
PART, IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.
THEN SHE SAYS... NO...
MAYBE I SHOULD
SKIP THAT PART TOO.
I'M GONNA SKIP THAT PART.
SHE'S IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!