Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 21 - Torn Between Three Brothers - full transcript

(theme music playing)

(music playing)

- HOLA, MUCHACHOS.

DONDE ESTA MY MAIN SQUEEZE?

- STEPHANIE, YOUR
BLITHERING IDIOT IS HERE.

- THANKS, DICK.

STEPH AND I HAVE SOME
MAJOR CELEBRATING TO DO.

- DARN, IT'S NOT A MISTAKE.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- THEY'VE REPLACED
MY FAVORITE PROGRAM.

JUST WHEN YOU FIND A SHOW
THAT'S INTELLIGENT, STIMULATING



AND DOESN'T TALK DOWN
TO YOU, THEY YANK IT.

- WHAT SHOW, GEORGE?
- "BARNABY JONES."

- WHOA, COINCIDENCE-ARAMA.

THIS TIES DIRECTLY
INTO MY CELEBRATION.

- YOU'RE CELEBRATING
THE CANCELLATION

OF "BARNABY JONES"?

- IN A WAY, YES.

YOU SEE, THE STATION'S DECIDED

TO LET ME TRY MY
HAND AT PROGRAMMING.

AND TODAY MARKS THE DEBUT OF
THE NEW MICHAEL HARRIS SCHEDULE

OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, MTV.

(giggling)

- WELL, ANY SCHEDULE WITHOUT
BUDDY EBSEN SUCKS EGGS.

- GEORGE, DON'T DESPAIR.



I PURCHASED A REPLACEMENT
SHOW OF EQUAL QUALITY AND VALUE.

- "LIFESTYLES OF THE
SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS"?

- IT'S A PIECE OF FLUFF.

THEY DON'T SOLVE CRIMES

OR HAVE A CUTE
SECRETARY OR ANYTHING.

- GEORGE, EACH
EPISODE OF "BARNABY"

HAS AIRED OVER 10 TIMES.

- BUT NO MATTER
HOW OFTEN I WATCH,

I ALWAYS FIND NEW THINGS.

BUDDY CAN DO MORE
WITH HIS EYEBROWS

THAN ANY ACTOR I KNOW.

- MICHAEL, I'M READY.

- GEORGE, I'D LOVE TO KEEP
UP THIS POINTLESS DEBATE

BUT WE HAVE SOME
SERIOUS BRUNCHING TO DO.

STEPH, SAY IT FOR ME, JUST ONCE.

- (sighing) I WANT MY MTV.

(giggling)

- WELL, I REFUSE TO
TAKE THIS LYING DOWN.

I'M GONNA GET "BARNABY
JONES" BACK ON THE AIR.

OR AS BUDDY WOULD SAY...

- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING, MISS NEWMAN.

DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
- OH, YES.

I JUST LOVE YOUR INN.

GREAT PILLOWS.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY FIANCÉ EDWARD?

- NO, BUT HERE'S A NOTE FOR YOU.

- OH, HE'S ALWAYS WRITING ME
REALLY EMBARRASSING GUSHY NOTES.

- OH, HO, HO.

- (gasping)

HE RAN OUT ON ME.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET
MARRIED THIS AFTERNOON

BUT HE SAYS HE'S NOT
SURE OF HIS FEELINGS.

- I'M SURE HE'LL SEE THE
LIGHT BEFORE HE GETS TOO FAR.

- SAYS HE'S HOPPING THE
FIRST BUS FOR CANADA.

- MAYBE HE'LL SEE THE
NORTHERN LIGHTS FIRST.

- THIS IS AWFUL.

I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO GET HOME.

- OH, DON'T WORRY, IF YOU WANT,

WE'LL LEND YOU THE
MONEY TO GET HOME.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY KIND

BUT I BELIEVE IN
PAYING MY OWN WAY.

- GOOD FOR YOU.

- I KNOW, MAYBE I COULD
GET A JOB IN THIS TOWN.

I USED TO BE A WAITRESS
BACK IN ARIZONA.

IN FACT, I SAW A CUTE
CAFÉ RIGHT NEXT DOOR,

THE "MINUTEMAN."

- I... I HAPPEN TO KNOW
THEY'RE NOT HIRING.

- OKAY.

WELL, I'LL BET YOU I HAVE A
JOB BY THE END OF THE DAY.

I MEAN, THE SECRET
TO GETTING HIRED

IS TO PROJECT A STRONG,
POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

(music playing)

(inhales)

(sneezes twice)

(inhales)

(sneezes)

(sneezes twice more)

- WELL, I THINK WE HAVE A...

YOU TWO HAVING
SNEEZING CONTESTS AGAIN?

I CAN'T LEAVE THE
ROOM FOR A MINUTE

WITHOUT YOU ABUSING A CONDIMENT.

- HELLO.

- HI. I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARRYL.

PLEASE, GRAB A RUMPFUL OF VINYL.

- OH, THANK YOU, BUT I'M
NOT HERE AS A CUSTOMER.

I'M LOOKING FOR A
JOB AS A WAITRESS.

- I'M SORRY, BUT DARRYL
AND I DO FINE BY OURSELVES.

WE'RE KINDA LIKE A
VERY OILY MACHINE.

- PLEASE, I'VE BEEN
ALL OVER TOWN.

YOU'RE MY LAST HOPE.

- I'D LIKE TO HELP.

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

THE LUNCH RUSH
IS ABOUT TO START.

DARRYL, STATIONS, PLEASE.

- HEY, BOYS.

MA'AM.

- CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

- JUST THE USUAL.

- I'M SORRY.

IT'S HARD TO REMEMBER EACH
REGULAR'S CULINARY PREFERENCES.

- CUP OF COFFEE.

- OH, YEAH. CUP O' JOE!

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A
GENEROUS HUNK OF PIE?

- NO THANKS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANY
BIGGER TARGET OUT THERE

THAN I HAVE TO.

- WELL, AS YOU CAN
SEE, THE THREE OF US

CAN HANDLE THINGS
EVEN WHEN IT GETS BUSY.

- WELL, THE CHEERY
SMILE OF A GOOD WAITRESS

CAN DO A LOT TO
STIMULATE BUSINESS.

- 'FRAID WE GOT
THAT ONE COVERED.

- I'LL BET I COULD
HAVE GOTTEN HIM

TO TAKE THAT PIECE OF PIE.

- GO ON.

WE OFFER HIM SOME
EVERY TIME HE COMES HERE.

- JUST WATCH.

- OFFICER.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WON'T
CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THIS PIE?

- I'D LOVE TO, BUT
IN MY LINE OF WORK,

FITNESS EQUALS SURVIVAL.

- C'MON, SURELY ONE PIECE OF PIE

ISN'T GONNA HURT A
STOMACH AS FLAT AS THAT.

- IT IS OFTEN MISTAKEN
FOR A WASHBOARD.

WHAT THE HELL, PIE ME.

- WELL, LITTLE LADY, YOU
GOT A W-4 FORM TO FILL OUT.

- OH, REALLY?

- YOU'RE AMAZING.

WE THOUGHT WE'D BEEN
SAVING THAT PIE IN VAIN

FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.

(music playing)

- SHOULDN'T KATHY
BE BACK BY NOW?

SHE SAID SHE'D BE HOME
AFTER THE BREAKFAST SHIFT.

- HONEY, WILL YOU STOP
WORRYING ABOUT HER?

SHE WAS FINE YESTERDAY.

- I KNOW, BUT HOW MUCH
LONGER CAN HER LUCK HOLD OUT?

- HI. BOY, WHAT A MORNING.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- OH, I HELPED THEM
CLEAN THE GRIDDLE.

- OKAY. THAT'S IT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO HOME.

WE'LL LEND YOU THE MONEY.

- OH, THANKS,

BUT I'M NOT THAT ANXIOUS
TO GET HOME ANYMORE.

- YOU LIKE WORKING WITH
LARRY AND THE DARRYLS?

- THEY'RE THE SWEETEST
MEN I'VE EVER MET.

NOT AT ALL LIKE EDWARD.

- REALLY?

- WELL, I HAVE TO FRESHEN
UP AND GET BACK THERE.

- HOLA, LOUDONS.

DICK, GREAT NEWS.

I THINK I CAN GET THE
SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS

TO GUEST ON YOUR SHOW.

- I DON'T DO GLITZ.

- EXACTLY MY POINT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN BREAK THROUGH

ALL THAT PHONY
GLAMOUR AND CHEESECAKE

AND GRILL THE TRUE
MEASUREMENTS OUT OF THOSE GIRLS.

- LOOK, MICHAEL.

I GOT EVERY BEAVER IN
TOWN TO SIGN THIS PETITION

TO PUT "BARNABY
JONES" BACK ON THE AIR.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, GEORGE, BUT
THE BEAVERS DON'T REPRESENT

THE YOUNGER
AUDIENCE WPIV IS AFTER.

BUT THIS NEW SHOW IS
FILLED WITH EXCITING THINGS

TODAY'S HIP VIEWERS WANT TO SEE.

THE DRAMA OF THE DANCERS'
LIVES, THEIR VICTORIES,

THEIR DEFEATS, THEIR THIGHS.

- THE ONLY THIGHS I WANT TO
SEE BELONG TO BUDDY EBSEN.

- GEORGE, MAYBE THIS
WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

IF YOU WERE UNDER 30,

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
WOULD MATTER DEEPLY TO ME.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU
DON'T CARE WHAT I WANT

BUT THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN DO.

AND I CAN GET
THEM ALL BEHIND ME.

BRING BACK BUDDY!

BRING BACK BUDDY!

- SO WHERE'S MY
SENSUAL SENORITA?

- SHE'S UPSTAIRS
GIVING HERSELF A FACIAL.

- OH BOY, IF I
HURRY, I CAN PEEL.

- THOSE WOULDN'T BE
FOR ME, WOULD THEY?

- THEY'RE FOR KATHY, RIGHT?

- SHE'S FRESHENING UP RIGHT NOW.

- YOU'RE GOING TO
WAIT, AREN'T YOU?

- IT'S A SHAME ABOUT THIS
BARNABY THING, ISN'T IT?

- WHY DON'T WE PUT
THOSE IN SOME WATER?

- FOR KATHY, RIGHT?

- GREAT.

- UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS ARE
BROKEN UP ABOUT BARNABY.

- FELLAS.

- I'LL JUST HOLD ON TO THIS.

- FELLAS, I'M SURE THERE'S
A WAY TO WORK THIS OUT.

- ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE NOT.

(music playing)

- DARRYL, THERE YOU ARE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

- THEY WERE BOTH BRINGING
FLOWERS FOR KATHY.

- I SEE.

DARRYL, GET BACK TO
THE CAFÉ AND WAIT FOR ME.

I'M SORRY YOU WERE SUBJECTED

TO SUCH HORMONALLY
MOTIVATED BEHAVIOR.

I GUESS THE ONLY THING TO DO

IS FIND OUT WHICH
DARRYL SHE PREFERS

AND LOCK THE HAPPY
COUPLE IN A BARN FOR A WHILE.

- LARRY, I THINK I KNOW
KATHY WELL ENOUGH

TO SAY THAT THE DARRYL
OF HER CHOICE IS NEITHER.

- GOSH, I THOUGHT
BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM

THEY WOULD HAVE COVERED
ALL RANGES OF TASTE.

- GO FIGURE.

- WELL, I'LL UPDATE DARRYL.

MEANTIME, COULD YOU EXPLAIN
THE SITUATION TO MISS KATHY?

- WHY ME?

- YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO TALK
ABOUT AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

WITHOUT USING GRAPHIC
SEXUAL TERMINOLOGY.

- IT'S A GIFT.

- WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

- KATHY, IT SEEMS YOUR
PRESENCE AT THE CAFÉ

HAS STIRRED UP SOME
ROMANTIC FEELINGS OVER THERE.

- YOU'RE KIDDING?

- THERE'S NO REASON
TO BE FRIGHTENED.

- OH, I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL.

- YOU DO?

- I WAS HAVING
SOME FEELINGS TOO.

- YOU WERE?

- WHICH DARRYL DO YOU LIKE?

- DARRYL? OH, I THINK
THEY'RE SWEET BUT,

I LIKE LARRY.

- LARRY?

- HE'S MASCULINE, HE'S
DEPENDABLE, HE'S SENSITIVE.

HE SPEAKS.

- HE DOES HAVE IT ALL.

- KATHY, THIS IS GETTING
PRETTY COMPLICATED.

IT'S THE DARRYLS WHO LIKE YOU.

THEY JUST GOT INTO A
BIG FIGHT BECAUSE OF IT.

- OH, GOSH.

WELL, I GUESS THE ONLY
WAY TO PUT AN END TO THIS

IS TO GO OVER
THERE AND TELL THEM

IT'S LARRY I'M INTERESTED IN.

- KATHY, I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

- I HAVE TO, MR. LOUDON.

I'VE CAUSED ENOUGH
TROUBLE ALREADY.

OH, DEAR, I KNOW
DARRYL CAN TAKE THIS

BUT THIS'LL BREAK
POOR DARRYL'S HEART.

(music playing)

- WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY

WHEN A PRETTY FACE COULD
TURN BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER.

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

- WELL, I HAVE IT
ON GOOD AUTHORITY

THAT KATHY AIN'T A SMIDGEON
INTERESTED IN YOU OR YOU.

FROM HEREON, YOU
TWO LEAVE MISS KATHY BE.

NOW LET'S SEE SOME
FORGIVING AND FORGETTING.

- HI, GUYS.

- MISS KATHY.

- LISTEN, I HATE TO BE THE CAUSE
OF ANY FRICTION BETWEEN YOU

SO I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU KNOW MY FEELINGS.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

UH, WELL, THIS IS
HARD FOR ME SO...

- THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY
I KNEW HOW TO SHOW YOU.

HOPE YOU FEEL THE SAME.

- WELL, SO FAR SO GOOD.

- OH, LARRY.

- EXCUSE ME, WE'RE
READY TO ORDER NOW.

- OH, COMING.

- LISTEN, WE'LL ALL TALK LATER.

- OH, HI, GUYS.

NOW DARRYL, I KNOW
HOW THIS LOOKS

BUT I HAD NO IDEA SHE
HAD EYES FOR YOURS TRULY.

I REALIZE THIS IS
HARD TO BELIEVE,

COMING AS IT DOES

FROM LIPS THAT JUST
SMUSHED UP AGAINST PARADISE.

LOOK, THE FLEA HAS
PICKED OUT HER DOG.

NOW, GET TO YOUR STATIONS.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- DON'T WORRY.

THEY'RE JUST A LITTLE
SLOW TO ABSORB THINGS.

NOT UNLIKE THEM PLAIN
WRAPPED PAPER TOWELS.

- HERE'S THE ORDER ON TABLE 5.

- DARRYL, TWO FRUIT
SALADS PRONTO.

- GOOD THING WE
DIDN'T ORDER HOT SOUP.

- PLEASE, PLEASE REMAIN SEATED.

I WILL SOON HAVE THE
SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.

- STOP IT! STOP IT!

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT THAT
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THIS.

I CAN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.

BEFORE I CAME,

YOU THREE WERE
SUCH AN OILY MACHINE.

(sobbing)

- WAIT, MISS KATHY.

I FELT TOWARD THE
END, DARRYL AND I

WERE STARTING TO
WORK THINGS OUT.

(music playing)

- MICHAEL, IT'S GOING
TO BE ALL RIGHT.

- BUT STEPH, I'M ALL WET.

GEORGE, THIS BARNABY
STUFF HAS GONE TOO FAR.

- SOMETHING WRONG, MICHAEL?

- YOU'VE GOT THIS WHOLE TOWN
OF HOOLIGANS OUT TO GET ME.

PHONE OPERATORS BREAK
INTO MY PHONE CALLS

AND GO "BUDDY, BUDDY."

BANK TELLERS
DEMAND 10 PIECES OF ID.

AND FINALLY, I WAS THE VICTIM

OF THE MOST HIDEOUS OF
ALL AUTOMOBILE CRIMES,

THE SPLASH AND RUN.

- THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.

- DARN RIGHT. I COULD
CATCH PNEUMONIA.

- NOT YOU. ME.

LOOK, A SPOT OF MUD.

- OH MY GOD.

THAT'S IT, GEORGE.

BETWEEN MEN IS ONE THING

BUT WHEN INNOCENT
CUPCAKES TAKE SHRAPNEL.

- SORRY, MICHAEL,

BUT PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.

- TELEVISION IS A MASS MEDIUM.

IT'LL BE A COLD
DAY IN HADES TOWN

WHEN I BOW TO THE
WHIM OF ONE PERSON.

- MICHAEL, I CAN'T DATE YOU
UNTIL MY CLOTHING IS SAFE.

- BARNABY WILL BE BACK
ON TOMORROW, GEORGE.

- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.

- GEORGE, SUPPOSE I PUT

"LIFESTYLES OF THE
SOLID PLATINUM DANCERS"

ON IN PLACE OF
"EIGHT IS ENOUGH"?

- LIFE WITHOUT DICK VAN PATTEN?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE WELCOME
TO STAY LONGER IF YOU WANT.

- OH, THANKS, BUT I DON'T THINK
THIS TOWN'S TOO GOOD FOR ME.

I'VE LOST TWO MEN IN THREE DAYS.

- HI.

I'M LARRY, FLYING SOLO.

- LARRY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

- WELL, I FIGURED YOU'D
BE HEADING OUT OF TOWN.

I WONDERED IF YOU'D
MIND MY TAGGING ALONG.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BROTHERS?

- WELL, WE DISCUSSED
IT AND DISCUSSED IT

UNTIL WE RAN OUT OF
BASIC FOOD GROUPS.

I TOLD THEM THEY
COULD HAVE THE CAFÉ.

- LARRY, ARE YOU SURE THIS
IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

- WELL, MISS KATHY'S
KISS MOVED ME

MORE THAN I'VE EVER
BEEN MOVED BEFORE.

'COURSE, NOTHING FEMININE'S
TOUCHED THESE LIPS

SINCE THAT FAT LADY
STOOD UP ON THE BUS.

SO, IS IT TWO FOR THE ROAD?

- OH, LARRY, I JUST KNOW WE'RE
GONNA BE WONDERFUL TOGETHER.

- OOH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THAT FAT LADY IS
A DISTANT SECOND.

- KATHY.
- EDWARD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- KATHY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST
WRITE ME ANOTHER NOTE?

- KATHY, I KNOW I
DID A TERRIBLE THING

BUT I WAS SCARED.

I MEAN, MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE.

AFTER I LEFT HERE,
I REALIZED THAT

I'D HAVE NO LIFE WITHOUT YOU.

- I'M SORRY, EDWARD.

WHILE YOU WERE GONE,

I MET A VERY SWEET,
GENTLE, KIND MAN.

HE'S COMING BACK
TO ARIZONA WITH ME.

- I THOUGHT HE WAS
MARRIED TO HER.

- NOT ME.

HIM.

LARRY.

- WOW. I REALLY
HURT YOU, DIDN'T I?

- WE HAVE NOTHING MORE TO
SAY TO EACH OTHER, EDWARD.

- KATHY, PLEASE.
- I'M SORRY.

- SO AM I.

- WELL, WE HAVE A BUS TO CATCH.

- I DON'T THINK SO, MISS KATHY.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- I KNOW THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY,

YOU BEING SUCH A TASTY
BAG OF GROCERIES AN' ALL,

BUT I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'D BE RIGHT.

- LARRY, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT EDWARD.

YOU HEARD ME TELL HIM
THAT WE'RE THROUGH.

- I HEARD WHAT YOU TOLD HIM.

BUT YOUR MOUTH WAS HAVING A
MAJOR ARGUMENT WITH YOUR EYES.

THERE'S A BIRD IN THESE
WOODS CALLED THE SAPSUCKER.

WHEN IT MATES,
IT MATES FOR LIFE.

THE BOY SAPSUCKER
AND THE GIRL SAPSUCKER

JUST HAVE SOMETHING
IN THEIR EYES THAT SAYS,

"I'M FOR YOU AND
YOU'RE FOR ME, FOREVER."

I SAW THAT SOMETHING
IN YOUR EYE FOR EDWARD.

AND IN HIS FOR YOU.

- LARRY, PEOPLE
ARE NOT SAPSUCKERS.

- I DON'T KNOW.

COVER 'EM WITH FEATHERS,
JAM A BIG SNOUT ON THEIR FACE,

SLICE OFF SOME TOES,
LOP OFF THEIR ARMS,

GRAFT WINGS ON
THEIR SPINAL COLUMN,

I'D BE HARD PRESSED
TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

- WOW, WE'RE JUST A
HAIR'S BREADTH AWAY

FROM BEING BIRDS.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE
WAY HE RAN OUT ON ME?

- WHAT ABOUT THE WAY
HE CAME BACK TO YOU?

IF YOU HURRY, YOU
CAN CATCH UP WITH HIM.

- OH, LARRY, YOU'RE SO WISE.

I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET YOU.

- LARRY, WHAT YOU JUST
DID WAS WONDERFUL.

- THEN WHY DO MY
INSIDES FEEL LIKE

THEY'VE JUST BEEN WORKED
OVER BY A BENIHANA CHEF?

I HAVE NO GIRL,

I HAVE NO BROTHERS
AND I HAVE NO HOME.

(door opening)

- STAND BACK, DARRYL, I
GOT A POP TART IN MY POCKET.

I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- OH, MY, A LOVELY CHAFING DISH.

- "TO LARRY AND KATHY,

GOOD LUCK WHEREVER
YOU MAY ROAM."

- OHH.

THEY'VE ACCEPTED
LARRY'S RELATIONSHIP.

- I GUESS I'M THE
ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T.

- DARRYL, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL,
ASIDE FROM THE SPELLING.

BUT MISS KATHY JUST LEFT
TOWN WITH HER PREVIOUS FIANCÉ.

I REALIZE YOU'LL
PROBABLY TAUNT ME

FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS

BUT GO AHEAD, DO YOUR WORST.

AHH, YOU'RE THE BEST BROTHERS.

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST
GO SO RIGHT WITH THAT DNA.

(music playing)

(theme music playing)

- MEOW!