Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 20 - Dwight Schmidlapp Is Not a Quitter - full transcript
Dick decides to send his latest book to his publisher under his old pen name Dwight Schmidlapp hoping his publisher would find it amusing. But instead sends the book back. So Dick sets out to find a new publisher and insists on putting his pen name on the book. But when the book is being sent back, he starts to feel like he no longer has what it takes. That is until one of the inn's annoying guests tells of a publisher he knows. So Dick goes to see him but the man refuses to read an unknown's work.
(theme music playing)
(music playing)
- HONEY, YOU WANT TO
SEE A BLAST FROM THE PAST?
- "PANEL IT PERFECT."
OH, DICK, I HAVEN'T
SEEN THIS IN 15 YEARS.
- NO, I JUST WROTE IT.
- THIS IS THE BLAST
FROM THE PAST.
- "WRITTEN BY
DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP."
AW.
- I DON'T GET IT, DICK.
- OH, THAT WAS THE
PEN NAME DICK USED
WHEN HE WAS
WRITING HIS FIRST BOOK.
- SO THAT'S YOUR FIRST BOOK.
AW.
- NO, NO, I JUST WROTE THIS.
- YOU SEE, GEORGE, 15 YEARS AGO,
WHEN DICK WAS STILL
WORKING AT THE AD AGENCY,
HE USED TO PUT
"DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP"
ON HIS MANUSCRIPTS
SO NO ONE WOULD KNOW
HE WAS WRITING ON THE SIDE.
- SO IT TOOK YOU 15
YEARS TO WRITE THAT?
- NO, I JUST WROTE THIS, GEORGE.
LOOK, SEE, I PUT "DWIGHT
SCHMIDLAPP" ON IT
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
BARNEY, MY PUBLISHER,
WOULD GET A KICK OUT
OF SEEING THE NAME AGAIN.
- OH.
I HOPE HE GETS THE
KICK OUT OF IT I DID, DICK.
- OH, MY, ISN'T THIS
A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
- THANK YOU, WE'RE
VERY PROUD OF...
- WHAT ARE YOUR RATES?
- A ROOM FOR
THREE IS $50 A NIGHT.
- REALLY? DOES THAT INCLUDE
THE REDUCED RATE FOR CHILDREN?
- THAT'S ONLY FOR KIDS UNDER 5.
- BRIAN, TELL THESE NICE PEOPLE
HOW OLD YOU'RE GOING
TO BE NEXT MONTH.
- FIVE.
- MAYBE LITTLE BRIAN
WOULD LIKE TO TELL US
WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN.
- ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
- ON THE BUTTON.
PRE-SCHOOL'S REALLY PAYING OFF.
- WELL, WITH THE TODDLER
RATE, THAT WOULD BE $45.
- AND DON'T YOU
KNOCK OFF A FEW BUCKS
FOR REPEAT CUSTOMERS?
- WE'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.
- YEAH, BUT WE'RE
COMING BACK NEXT YEAR.
- $45.
- WE'LL TAKE IT.
- GEORGE, WOULD YOU
HELP WITH THE BAGS?
- SURE.
- OH, IS IT CUSTOMARY TO TIP
THE HELP AT THESE COUNTRY INNS?
- YES, IT IS. Male
guest: NO, NO, NO,
GET AWAY FROM THOSE.
(music playing)
- REFILLS ARE FREE, RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I MEANT ON EGGS.
- WE HAVE A BOTTOMLESS
CUP OF COFFEE,
NOT A BOTTOMLESS CHICKEN.
- WELL, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD FIND US
SOME MORE OF THOSE
DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY MUFFINS?
- TRY CHECKING YOUR PURSE.
- MORNING, HONEY.
- THEY REJECTED MY BOOK.
- WHAT?
BARNEY HELPON
WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
- BARNEY NEVER SAW IT.
- SOMEBODY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
THE NAME "SCHMIDLAPP"
AND GAVE IT TO SOME
KID ASSISTANT EDITOR
WHO'S STILL IN DIAPERS
WHO MISTOOK IT FOR DOODY.
- "GOOD WORK FOR A BEGINNER.
"SHOWS SOME PROMISE.
"SOMEDAY, MIGHT JUST
PUBLISH SOMETHING."
THAT'S VERY ENCOURAGING, DICK.
- GEORGE, I'M A
PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
I'VE BEEN PUBLISHING
BOOKS FOR 15 YEARS.
- WHOA.
THEN HE REALLY LAYS
INTO YOU, DOESN'T HE?
- OOH, DICK, REJECTED.
THAT'S SO AWFUL.
DID I GET ANY MAIL?
- DICK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PUT YOUR REAL NAME
ON THE MANUSCRIPT,
SEND IT TO BARNEY
AND HE'LL PUBLISH IT.
- NO, NO, THIS IS THE LAST
IN A LONG SERIES OF SCREW UPS.
THE COMPANY HAS GOTTEN TOO BIG.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR WHEN
THEY STOPPED SENDING ME
MY ROYALTY CHECKS
BECAUSE THEY SAID
THE RECORDS INDICATED
THAT I WAS DEAD?
- WELL, THEY DID SEND
A BEAUTIFUL WREATH.
- YEAH, "IN LOVING
MEMORY OF DINK LOUDON."
THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- ME? NOTHING.
BUT DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP
IS GONNA PUBLISH HIS BOOK
WITH ANOTHER FIRM.
MAYBE BARNEY WILL WAKE UP.
C'MON, DWIGHT, I'LL TEACH YOU
THE TRICKS OF THE WRITING GAME.
- GOSH, MR. LOUDON, THANKS.
(music playing)
- MAIL CALL FOR
DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.
- YO.
- LOOK AT THIS.
THREE RESPONSES FROM PUBLISHERS.
- AH, FANTASTIC.
AND THE ANSWER IS,
"WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK."
- WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK.
- AND THE QUESTION IS,
"WHAT DOES IT NOT
SAY IN THIS LETTER?"
- THEY REJECTED IT?
- HONEY, DON'T
WORRY, THERE'S ALWAYS
ONE OR TWO PUBLISHERS OUT THERE
WHO DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
AND THERE'S THE OTHER ONE.
- DICK, FORGET THOSE.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,
"WE AT ROY'S BOOKS
ADMIRE YOUR WRITING.
"WE WOULD BE HONORED
TO PLACE YOUR BOOK
"ON OUR LIST OF
PUBLISHED WORKS."
- FINALLY, A COMPANY WITH TASTE.
"PLEASE REMIT $2,000
"AND BE THE FIRST
ONE ON YOUR BLOCK
"TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON
AN ACTUAL PUBLISHED BOOK."
Joanna: OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.
- HI, ALL. WHAT'S UP?
TROUBS IN PARADISE?
- DICK'S HAD A BOOK REJECTED.
- WHAT WAS IT, DICK?
THREE OR FOUR TIMES?
- CLEAN YOUR SPECTACLES, FOLKS,
THIS ISN'T ADDRESSED TO DICK.
IT'S ADDRESSED TO THIS
POOR SCHLUB, SCHMIDLAPP.
MUST BE A REAL GOON TO HAVE
A "HOW-TO" BOOK REJECTED.
(laughing)
- "SCHMIDLAPP" IS MY PEN NAME.
- REALLY?
HOW DID YOU GO ABOUT
CHOOSING THAT NAME?
IT'S TOO LATE TO GET
OUT OF THIS, ISN'T IT, DICK?
- YEAH.
- DICK, JUST SUBMIT THE
BOOK WITH YOUR OWN NAME
AND IT'LL SELL IMMEDIATELY.
- IS THIS TRUE, DICK?
- OF COURSE IT IS.
- WHOA!
YOU HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING
MOST AMERICANS ONLY DREAM OF.
- WHAT MASSIVE REJECTION?
- NO, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR NAME
ON ANY PIECE OF CRUD,
(laughing) AND IT'LL SELL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRIVE
FOR QUALITY ANYMORE.
(laughing)
I ENVY YOU, COMPADRE,
YOU CAN COAST.
- I'M NOT COASTING.
THIS BOOK IS AS GOOD AS
ANYTHING I'VE EVER WRITTEN.
THERE'S WRITING IN HERE I
WOULD STACK UP AGAINST
HEMINGWAY OR PROUST.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
NOT THIS SENTENCE.
ACTUALLY, PROUST MIGHT HAVE
ME ON THE WHOLE PARAGRAPH.
HOW COULD I LET THIS GET BY?
(music playing)
- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN
IN HERE THREE HOURS.
IS EVERYTHING...
- HONEY, HONEY,
WATCH OUT, YOU'RE
STEPPING ON CHAPTER 5.
ACTUALLY, GO AHEAD.
- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I FOUND A COUPLE OF
WEAK SPOTS IN THE BOOK.
- A COUPLE?
- YEAH, THE FIRST HALF.
AND THE SECOND HALF.
"USE HIGH-GRADE PANELING ONLY."
"ONLY USE HIGH-GRADE..."
NO.
"USE ONLY HIGH-GRADE PANELING."
GOD, THERE'S NO WAY TO SAY THIS.
- DICK, YOU'RE NOT TAKING
THOSE REJECTIONS SERIOUSLY?
- HONEY, MICHAEL WAS RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN COASTING ON MY
NAME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG.
I MEAN, FOUR RESPECTED
PROFESSIONALS LOOK AT MY WORK
WITHOUT KNOWING IT'S MINE
AND THEY ALL COME TO
THE SAME UNBIASED OPINION.
IT SUCKS SWAMP WATER.
- NOW, COME ON, DICK,
ONLY ONE OF THEM
ACTUALLY USED THOSE WORDS.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND,
HONEY, I'M A WRITER.
THAT'S ALL I'VE
EVER WANTED TO BE,
TO TAKE WORDS AND
STRING THEM LIKE PEARLS
INTO A GIANT NECKLACE
OF COMMUNICATION.
GOD I STINK AT THIS.
(music playing)
- 8-BALL, KISS OFF THE 14.
- IT'S A ONE-IN-A-MILLION SHOT.
- TELL THAT TO THE 8-BALL.
- YOU WIN. AGAIN.
LOOKS LIKE I OWE
YOU ANOTHER DRINK.
- DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, YOU
ONLY MADE ONE MISTAKE.
YOU PLAYED ME.
- HEY, A WOMAN.
- THERE YOU ARE.
- HOW'D YOU FIND ME?
- YOU WERE FEELING
DOWN IN THE DUMPS
SO I CHECKED ALL THE DUMPS.
- REAL LOOKER, HUH?
FIGURED SHE'D GO
ON TO SCHMIDLAPP.
- SCHMIDLAPP?
- JOANNA, GIMME A BREAK.
IN THE PUBLISHING WORLD,
SCHMIDLAPP IS DOG MEAT.
HERE, I'M KING OF ALL I SURVEY.
- IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
DOING THE LAST FOUR DAYS,
SHOOTING POOL?
- THERE'S A LOT MORE
TO DO THAN THAT.
I'VE BEEN HOISTING A
FEW, EATING PICKLED EGGS,
SWAPPING STORIES...
- SO THIS MUST BE ROSALITA, HUH?
- SI.
- ROSALITA, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY PALS,
SNAKE AND WILD MEL.
- HERE YOU GO,
DWIGHT, YOUR USUAL.
- BOY, CAN I USE THIS.
- AGHH!
- WHAT'S WITH THAT
LIMEADE ANYWAY?
- MY DOCTOR SAID "GIVE UP
THAT QUART OF TEQUILA EVERYDAY
"OR KISS YOUR LIVER GOODBYE."
- MAYBE I'LL TRY ONE
OF THEM LIMEADES.
- DICK, I'VE READ
YOUR BOOK AGAIN.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
- IT'S YOUR SHOT, DWIGHT.
- EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT
TO FILL SOME POCKETS.
- AHH, A BEHIND-THE-BACK SHOT.
- HE KNOWS 100
WAYS TO HUMILIATE US.
- 101.
- WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO PLAY POOL LIKE THAT?
- BARCELONA.
AND YOU TAUGHT ME.
- WE HAVE TO TALK.
- NOT NOW, ROSALITA.
- DICK, TALK TO ME OR I
TELL SNAKE AND WILD MEL
THAT YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF
"MAKING MONEY RAISING BUNNIES."
- HEY, WILD MAN, FILL IN FOR ME.
- WOW.
DWIGHT'S LETTING
YOU USE HIS CUE.
- DICK, WHAT WOULD IT
TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT YOU HAVEN'T
LOST YOUR TALENT?
- FOR "PANEL IT PERFECT" TO SELL
WITHOUT THE NAME "DICK LOUDON"
AND WIN THE PULITZER PRIZE
AND BE MADE INTO A MOVIE
STARRING MERYL STREEP.
LET'S FACE IT, HONEY,
DWIGHT'S BEEN REJECTED
BY EVERYBODY IN THE BUSINESS.
- NOT EVERYBODY.
FOUR JUNIOR EDITORS,
AND WHO SAYS THEY KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT?
DIDN'T A CRITIC SAY
"OKLAHOMA" WOULD
ONLY RUN A WEEK?
DIDN'T A MOVIE TALENT SCOUT
SAY ABOUT FRED ASTAIRE,
"BALD, CAN'T ACT,
CAN DANCE A LITTLE"?
- WELL, YEAH.
AND DIDN'T A YOUNG
WRITER NAMED "LOUDON"
GET REJECTED BY 14 PUBLISHERS
BEFORE HE FINALLY BROKE IN?
- YEAH, BUT I WAS
DIFFERENT THEN.
I WAS YOUNG.
I WAS MORE AMBITIOUS.
I WAS NAMED DICK.
- AND DICK WANTED TO WRITE
MORE THAN ANYTHING
ELSE IN HIS LIFE.
AND HE WASN'T A QUITTER.
BUT MAYBE DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP
IS MADE OF DIFFERENT STUFF.
MAYBE HE ISN'T THE
MAN DICK LOUDON IS.
- YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR NOW.
DWIGHT MAY BE A LOT OF
THINGS BUT HE'S NOT A QUITTER.
AGHH.
- FELLAS, I'M GATHERING MOSS.
IT'S TIME TO ROLL.
NICE MEETING YOU.
- BUT DWIGHT, I THOUGHT WE
WERE ALL GOING TO LATIN AMERICA
TO BE MERCENARIES?
- I'LL BE WITH YOU IN SPIRIT.
- IT'S NOT GONNA
STOP A LOT OF BULLETS.
- LATER.
(music playing)
♪ ALL WE NEED ♪
♪ IS A DARK COLD NIGHT ♪
(music playing)
- HI.
- HOW'D IT GO IN NEW YORK?
- PRETTY GOOD. I FOUND
SOME NEW RESTAURANTS
AND FINALLY GOT TO SEE "CATS."
- DICK, WHAT ABOUT THE BOOK?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING
HOW PUBLISHING HOUSES
REACT TO PERSISTENCE.
I THINK THE PHRASE I
HEARD MOST OFTEN WAS
"SECURITY'S ON ITS WAY."
- OH, DICK, NOBODY BOUGHT IT?
- DON'T COUNT DWIGHT OUT YET.
DID ANY MAIL COME FOR
HIM WHILE I WAS AWAY?
- THERE IS SOMETHING
FROM STOCKBRIDGE & SONS.
- OH, TERRIFIC.
I KNEW THAT GAMBIT
WOULD PAY OFF.
I SORT OF COZIED UP
TO THE CLEANING LADY.
SHE PROMISED SHE'D GET MY
MANUSCRIPT TO THE HEAD MAN.
"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,
"SORRY I NO GIVE BOOK
TO MR. STOCKBRIDGE.
"I READ AND ME NO LIKE."
- THANK YOU.
EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.
GOODBYE.
- I HOPE YOU
REALIZE I DID MY BEST
TO MAKE YOUR STAY AS
PLEASANT AS POSSIBLE
AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT
YOU APPRECIATE ALL I'VE DONE.
- YOU WERE FINE.
- WELL, SURELY YOU CAN
EXPRESS THAT ANOTHER WAY.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
- AM I GETTING A TIP OR WHAT?
- OH WELL, LET'S SEE, TWO WEEKS,
THREE PEOPLE, WHAT THE HECK.
- MR. VAN CLEVE,
DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP
THIS WHOLE DOLLAR FOR MYSELF
OR DISTRIBUTE IT
AMONG ALL THE HELP?
- NO, NO, THAT'S FOR EVERYONE.
- WOW.
THIS IS MORE THAN I DESERVE.
I'LL GO OUTSIDE
AND SEE IF YOU HAVE
AIR IN YOUR TIRES.
- STEPHANIE.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
- I'LL GET YOUR BILL.
- OH, DON'T BOTHER.
I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
ADDING UP THE FIGURES MYSELF.
- $98 FOR 14 DAYS?
IT SHOULD BE OVER $600.
- TRUE, BUT WE WERE
ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM
ONLY A FEW HOURS A DAY.
- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WELL, AS LONG AS
I'M QUITTING WRITING,
I TOOK SOME
MEASUREMENTS IN THERE
AND THERE'S PLENTY
OF ROOM FOR A JUKEBOX,
A POOL TABLE AND SOME LOW LIFES.
- DICK, YOU CAN'T QUIT WRITING.
- OH, ARE YOU A WRITER?
- NOT REALLY. YOU
CAN'T BE A WRITER
IF YOU CAN'T GET PUBLISHED.
- WE KNOW A PUBLISHER.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH, HE'S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
JAKE'S BEST FRIEND.
HERE'S WHERE HE WORKS.
JUST BE SURE TO TELL
HIM JAKE SENT YOU.
- GOOD OLD JAKE.
- HUH, DON'T KID YOURSELF.
HE'S A TIGHTWAD.
- NOW IF WE CAN
JUST SETTLE THIS BILL.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- THE VAN CLEVES DON'T
WANT TO PAY FOR THE TIME
THEY WEREN'T IN THE ROOM.
- WE FIGURE WE OWE YOU $98.
- YOU GOT IT.
- WHAT?
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY,
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, LITTLE BRIAN ONLY ATE
HALF HIS BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
- YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A POINT.
LET'S SEE, $98 MINUS HALF
A BOWL OF OATMEAL, $23.50?
I BET YOU DIDN'T USE
ALL YOUR TOWELS.
HA, HA, HA.
(music playing)
- HAVE A SEAT, MR. SCHMIDLAPP.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
SUPPOSED TO BE MY GOLF DAY
BUT SINCE YOU'RE A FRIEND
OF JAKE'S, SAY, CIGAR?
- NO, NO, THANKS.
- YOU'RE SURE? THEY'RE CUBAN.
A COURIER OF OURS SNEAKS THEM
IN FROM EUROPE EVERY OTHER WEEK.
CUSTOMS NEVER CHECKS HIM.
- GEE, THAT'S LUCKY.
I ONCE BROUGHT
FRUIT IN FROM CANADA.
BOY, DID I CATCH HELL.
(laughing)
- ANYWAY, THE REASON I...
- WELL, TELL ME, HOW IS JAKE?
- JAKE? WELL, YOU KNOW JAKE.
(laughing)
- IS HE BACK IN THE COUNTRY?
- YES.
- FANTASTIC. LET'S CALL HIM.
- OH, YOU MEAN, THIS COUNTRY?
- YEAH.
- UH, NO, NO, HE'S
STILL OVER THERE.
- AH, HOW'S LITTLE MOLLY DOING?
- HA, HA, OH, SHE'LL
TALK YOUR EAR OFF
IF YOU LET HER, YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHING)
- THAT'S INTERESTING.
MOLLY'S HIS DOG.
- WELL, TALK, BARK, YOU KNOW,
WE ALL COME FROM
THE SAME GUY UPSTAIRS.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. WHO ARE YOU?
- LOOK, I'M GONNA BE
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.
I'M DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.
JAKE'S BROTHER-IN-LAW
GAVE ME YOUR NAME.
I HAVE THIS MANUSCRIPT.
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
YOU DON'T LIE YOUR WAY IN HERE
AND EXPECT TO GET
ANY ATTENTION FROM ME.
JUST SUBMIT THAT
THROUGH CHANNELS.
- BUT I'VE BEEN
THROUGH CHANNELS.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN REJECTED
BY JUNIOR EDITORS
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HEARD OF ME.
I'VE EVEN BEEN REJECTED
BY A CLEANING LADY
BECAUSE SHE READ
BUT SHE NO LIKE.
- LOOK, I REALLY WANT
TO GET TO MY GOLF GAME.
- HOW DOES A KID GET A
BREAK IN THIS BUSINESS?
- KID?
LOOK, SON,
EVERYBODY THINKS HE'S A WRITER.
- BUT I AM.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- NO, I REALLY AM A WRITER.
READ THIS.
YOU'D BE HARD PUT TO TELL
ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS
AND, SAY, THE WORK
OF DICK LOUDON.
- DICK LOUDON?
(chuckling) NOT EXACTLY
SHOOTING FOR THE MOON, ARE YOU?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DICK LOUDON?
- OH, NOTHING, I GUESS
HE'S ONE OF THE BEST
"HOW-TO" WRITERS AROUND.
I JUST DON'T HAPPEN TO CARE
FOR THOSE CUTSIE-POOH JOKES
HE THROWS IN.
YOU KNOW, "YOUR FANTASY BATHROOM
"DOESN'T HAVE TO
BE A PIPE DREAM."
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
- SORRY, KID.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
MANUSCRIPT, SOMEPLACE ELSE.
- CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
- HELLO, US CUSTOM SERVICE?
YES, COULD I SPEAK TO YOUR
CUBAN CIGAR GUY, PLEASE?
YEAH, I'LL HOLD.
- YOU WOULDN'T?
- ALL I WANT YOU
TO DO IS READ IT.
- WELL, I WON'T.
- YOU SAY YOU SMUGGLE TWO
CASES OF THESE A MONTH, RIGHT?
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'LL READ IT.
- OH, CUBAN CIGAR GUY,
YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO SAY
THAT YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB,
I HAVEN'T SEEN A
CUBAN CIGAR IN YEARS.
- "YOU DON'T NEED A PANEL OF
EXPERTS TO PANEL EXPERTLY."
(laughing)
(music playing)
- OKAY, STEPH, THE VAN
CLEVES WERE HERE 14 DAYS.
THEY SHOULD HAVE
TIPPED YOU $2 A DAY.
THEY LEFT YOU $1,
OUT OF WHICH WE HAD TO
GIVE 50 CENTS TO GEORGE.
- YES, MICHAEL.
- SO IF I WANT TO WIPE
THAT POUT OF YOUR FACE
THAT MEANS
I OWE YOU $27.50.
- IF YOU WANT.
- I JUST HEARD DICK'S CAR.
- BOY, I SURE HOPE
HE FOUND A PUBLISHER.
- I'M ALMOST AFRAID
TO ASK, HOW DID IT GO?
- WELL, LET ME PUT
IT THIS WAY, JOANNA.
ME SELL BOOK.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
(music playing)
- HONEY, YOU WANT TO
SEE A BLAST FROM THE PAST?
- "PANEL IT PERFECT."
OH, DICK, I HAVEN'T
SEEN THIS IN 15 YEARS.
- NO, I JUST WROTE IT.
- THIS IS THE BLAST
FROM THE PAST.
- "WRITTEN BY
DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP."
AW.
- I DON'T GET IT, DICK.
- OH, THAT WAS THE
PEN NAME DICK USED
WHEN HE WAS
WRITING HIS FIRST BOOK.
- SO THAT'S YOUR FIRST BOOK.
AW.
- NO, NO, I JUST WROTE THIS.
- YOU SEE, GEORGE, 15 YEARS AGO,
WHEN DICK WAS STILL
WORKING AT THE AD AGENCY,
HE USED TO PUT
"DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP"
ON HIS MANUSCRIPTS
SO NO ONE WOULD KNOW
HE WAS WRITING ON THE SIDE.
- SO IT TOOK YOU 15
YEARS TO WRITE THAT?
- NO, I JUST WROTE THIS, GEORGE.
LOOK, SEE, I PUT "DWIGHT
SCHMIDLAPP" ON IT
BECAUSE I THOUGHT
BARNEY, MY PUBLISHER,
WOULD GET A KICK OUT
OF SEEING THE NAME AGAIN.
- OH.
I HOPE HE GETS THE
KICK OUT OF IT I DID, DICK.
- OH, MY, ISN'T THIS
A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
- THANK YOU, WE'RE
VERY PROUD OF...
- WHAT ARE YOUR RATES?
- A ROOM FOR
THREE IS $50 A NIGHT.
- REALLY? DOES THAT INCLUDE
THE REDUCED RATE FOR CHILDREN?
- THAT'S ONLY FOR KIDS UNDER 5.
- BRIAN, TELL THESE NICE PEOPLE
HOW OLD YOU'RE GOING
TO BE NEXT MONTH.
- FIVE.
- MAYBE LITTLE BRIAN
WOULD LIKE TO TELL US
WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN.
- ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
- ON THE BUTTON.
PRE-SCHOOL'S REALLY PAYING OFF.
- WELL, WITH THE TODDLER
RATE, THAT WOULD BE $45.
- AND DON'T YOU
KNOCK OFF A FEW BUCKS
FOR REPEAT CUSTOMERS?
- WE'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.
- YEAH, BUT WE'RE
COMING BACK NEXT YEAR.
- $45.
- WE'LL TAKE IT.
- GEORGE, WOULD YOU
HELP WITH THE BAGS?
- SURE.
- OH, IS IT CUSTOMARY TO TIP
THE HELP AT THESE COUNTRY INNS?
- YES, IT IS. Male
guest: NO, NO, NO,
GET AWAY FROM THOSE.
(music playing)
- REFILLS ARE FREE, RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- I MEANT ON EGGS.
- WE HAVE A BOTTOMLESS
CUP OF COFFEE,
NOT A BOTTOMLESS CHICKEN.
- WELL, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD FIND US
SOME MORE OF THOSE
DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY MUFFINS?
- TRY CHECKING YOUR PURSE.
- MORNING, HONEY.
- THEY REJECTED MY BOOK.
- WHAT?
BARNEY HELPON
WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
- BARNEY NEVER SAW IT.
- SOMEBODY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
THE NAME "SCHMIDLAPP"
AND GAVE IT TO SOME
KID ASSISTANT EDITOR
WHO'S STILL IN DIAPERS
WHO MISTOOK IT FOR DOODY.
- "GOOD WORK FOR A BEGINNER.
"SHOWS SOME PROMISE.
"SOMEDAY, MIGHT JUST
PUBLISH SOMETHING."
THAT'S VERY ENCOURAGING, DICK.
- GEORGE, I'M A
PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
I'VE BEEN PUBLISHING
BOOKS FOR 15 YEARS.
- WHOA.
THEN HE REALLY LAYS
INTO YOU, DOESN'T HE?
- OOH, DICK, REJECTED.
THAT'S SO AWFUL.
DID I GET ANY MAIL?
- DICK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST PUT YOUR REAL NAME
ON THE MANUSCRIPT,
SEND IT TO BARNEY
AND HE'LL PUBLISH IT.
- NO, NO, THIS IS THE LAST
IN A LONG SERIES OF SCREW UPS.
THE COMPANY HAS GOTTEN TOO BIG.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR WHEN
THEY STOPPED SENDING ME
MY ROYALTY CHECKS
BECAUSE THEY SAID
THE RECORDS INDICATED
THAT I WAS DEAD?
- WELL, THEY DID SEND
A BEAUTIFUL WREATH.
- YEAH, "IN LOVING
MEMORY OF DINK LOUDON."
THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- ME? NOTHING.
BUT DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP
IS GONNA PUBLISH HIS BOOK
WITH ANOTHER FIRM.
MAYBE BARNEY WILL WAKE UP.
C'MON, DWIGHT, I'LL TEACH YOU
THE TRICKS OF THE WRITING GAME.
- GOSH, MR. LOUDON, THANKS.
(music playing)
- MAIL CALL FOR
DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.
- YO.
- LOOK AT THIS.
THREE RESPONSES FROM PUBLISHERS.
- AH, FANTASTIC.
AND THE ANSWER IS,
"WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK."
- WE'RE BUYING YOUR BOOK.
- AND THE QUESTION IS,
"WHAT DOES IT NOT
SAY IN THIS LETTER?"
- THEY REJECTED IT?
- HONEY, DON'T
WORRY, THERE'S ALWAYS
ONE OR TWO PUBLISHERS OUT THERE
WHO DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
AND THERE'S THE OTHER ONE.
- DICK, FORGET THOSE.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,
"WE AT ROY'S BOOKS
ADMIRE YOUR WRITING.
"WE WOULD BE HONORED
TO PLACE YOUR BOOK
"ON OUR LIST OF
PUBLISHED WORKS."
- FINALLY, A COMPANY WITH TASTE.
"PLEASE REMIT $2,000
"AND BE THE FIRST
ONE ON YOUR BLOCK
"TO HAVE YOUR NAME ON
AN ACTUAL PUBLISHED BOOK."
Joanna: OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.
- HI, ALL. WHAT'S UP?
TROUBS IN PARADISE?
- DICK'S HAD A BOOK REJECTED.
- WHAT WAS IT, DICK?
THREE OR FOUR TIMES?
- CLEAN YOUR SPECTACLES, FOLKS,
THIS ISN'T ADDRESSED TO DICK.
IT'S ADDRESSED TO THIS
POOR SCHLUB, SCHMIDLAPP.
MUST BE A REAL GOON TO HAVE
A "HOW-TO" BOOK REJECTED.
(laughing)
- "SCHMIDLAPP" IS MY PEN NAME.
- REALLY?
HOW DID YOU GO ABOUT
CHOOSING THAT NAME?
IT'S TOO LATE TO GET
OUT OF THIS, ISN'T IT, DICK?
- YEAH.
- DICK, JUST SUBMIT THE
BOOK WITH YOUR OWN NAME
AND IT'LL SELL IMMEDIATELY.
- IS THIS TRUE, DICK?
- OF COURSE IT IS.
- WHOA!
YOU HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING
MOST AMERICANS ONLY DREAM OF.
- WHAT MASSIVE REJECTION?
- NO, YOU HAVE ARRIVED.
YOU CAN PUT YOUR NAME
ON ANY PIECE OF CRUD,
(laughing) AND IT'LL SELL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRIVE
FOR QUALITY ANYMORE.
(laughing)
I ENVY YOU, COMPADRE,
YOU CAN COAST.
- I'M NOT COASTING.
THIS BOOK IS AS GOOD AS
ANYTHING I'VE EVER WRITTEN.
THERE'S WRITING IN HERE I
WOULD STACK UP AGAINST
HEMINGWAY OR PROUST.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
NOT THIS SENTENCE.
ACTUALLY, PROUST MIGHT HAVE
ME ON THE WHOLE PARAGRAPH.
HOW COULD I LET THIS GET BY?
(music playing)
- DICK, YOU'VE BEEN
IN HERE THREE HOURS.
IS EVERYTHING...
- HONEY, HONEY,
WATCH OUT, YOU'RE
STEPPING ON CHAPTER 5.
ACTUALLY, GO AHEAD.
- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I FOUND A COUPLE OF
WEAK SPOTS IN THE BOOK.
- A COUPLE?
- YEAH, THE FIRST HALF.
AND THE SECOND HALF.
"USE HIGH-GRADE PANELING ONLY."
"ONLY USE HIGH-GRADE..."
NO.
"USE ONLY HIGH-GRADE PANELING."
GOD, THERE'S NO WAY TO SAY THIS.
- DICK, YOU'RE NOT TAKING
THOSE REJECTIONS SERIOUSLY?
- HONEY, MICHAEL WAS RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN COASTING ON MY
NAME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG.
I MEAN, FOUR RESPECTED
PROFESSIONALS LOOK AT MY WORK
WITHOUT KNOWING IT'S MINE
AND THEY ALL COME TO
THE SAME UNBIASED OPINION.
IT SUCKS SWAMP WATER.
- NOW, COME ON, DICK,
ONLY ONE OF THEM
ACTUALLY USED THOSE WORDS.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND,
HONEY, I'M A WRITER.
THAT'S ALL I'VE
EVER WANTED TO BE,
TO TAKE WORDS AND
STRING THEM LIKE PEARLS
INTO A GIANT NECKLACE
OF COMMUNICATION.
GOD I STINK AT THIS.
(music playing)
- 8-BALL, KISS OFF THE 14.
- IT'S A ONE-IN-A-MILLION SHOT.
- TELL THAT TO THE 8-BALL.
- YOU WIN. AGAIN.
LOOKS LIKE I OWE
YOU ANOTHER DRINK.
- DON'T FEEL TOO BAD, YOU
ONLY MADE ONE MISTAKE.
YOU PLAYED ME.
- HEY, A WOMAN.
- THERE YOU ARE.
- HOW'D YOU FIND ME?
- YOU WERE FEELING
DOWN IN THE DUMPS
SO I CHECKED ALL THE DUMPS.
- REAL LOOKER, HUH?
FIGURED SHE'D GO
ON TO SCHMIDLAPP.
- SCHMIDLAPP?
- JOANNA, GIMME A BREAK.
IN THE PUBLISHING WORLD,
SCHMIDLAPP IS DOG MEAT.
HERE, I'M KING OF ALL I SURVEY.
- IS THIS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
DOING THE LAST FOUR DAYS,
SHOOTING POOL?
- THERE'S A LOT MORE
TO DO THAN THAT.
I'VE BEEN HOISTING A
FEW, EATING PICKLED EGGS,
SWAPPING STORIES...
- SO THIS MUST BE ROSALITA, HUH?
- SI.
- ROSALITA, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY PALS,
SNAKE AND WILD MEL.
- HERE YOU GO,
DWIGHT, YOUR USUAL.
- BOY, CAN I USE THIS.
- AGHH!
- WHAT'S WITH THAT
LIMEADE ANYWAY?
- MY DOCTOR SAID "GIVE UP
THAT QUART OF TEQUILA EVERYDAY
"OR KISS YOUR LIVER GOODBYE."
- MAYBE I'LL TRY ONE
OF THEM LIMEADES.
- DICK, I'VE READ
YOUR BOOK AGAIN.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
- IT'S YOUR SHOT, DWIGHT.
- EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT
TO FILL SOME POCKETS.
- AHH, A BEHIND-THE-BACK SHOT.
- HE KNOWS 100
WAYS TO HUMILIATE US.
- 101.
- WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO PLAY POOL LIKE THAT?
- BARCELONA.
AND YOU TAUGHT ME.
- WE HAVE TO TALK.
- NOT NOW, ROSALITA.
- DICK, TALK TO ME OR I
TELL SNAKE AND WILD MEL
THAT YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF
"MAKING MONEY RAISING BUNNIES."
- HEY, WILD MAN, FILL IN FOR ME.
- WOW.
DWIGHT'S LETTING
YOU USE HIS CUE.
- DICK, WHAT WOULD IT
TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT YOU HAVEN'T
LOST YOUR TALENT?
- FOR "PANEL IT PERFECT" TO SELL
WITHOUT THE NAME "DICK LOUDON"
AND WIN THE PULITZER PRIZE
AND BE MADE INTO A MOVIE
STARRING MERYL STREEP.
LET'S FACE IT, HONEY,
DWIGHT'S BEEN REJECTED
BY EVERYBODY IN THE BUSINESS.
- NOT EVERYBODY.
FOUR JUNIOR EDITORS,
AND WHO SAYS THEY KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT?
DIDN'T A CRITIC SAY
"OKLAHOMA" WOULD
ONLY RUN A WEEK?
DIDN'T A MOVIE TALENT SCOUT
SAY ABOUT FRED ASTAIRE,
"BALD, CAN'T ACT,
CAN DANCE A LITTLE"?
- WELL, YEAH.
AND DIDN'T A YOUNG
WRITER NAMED "LOUDON"
GET REJECTED BY 14 PUBLISHERS
BEFORE HE FINALLY BROKE IN?
- YEAH, BUT I WAS
DIFFERENT THEN.
I WAS YOUNG.
I WAS MORE AMBITIOUS.
I WAS NAMED DICK.
- AND DICK WANTED TO WRITE
MORE THAN ANYTHING
ELSE IN HIS LIFE.
AND HE WASN'T A QUITTER.
BUT MAYBE DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP
IS MADE OF DIFFERENT STUFF.
MAYBE HE ISN'T THE
MAN DICK LOUDON IS.
- YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR NOW.
DWIGHT MAY BE A LOT OF
THINGS BUT HE'S NOT A QUITTER.
AGHH.
- FELLAS, I'M GATHERING MOSS.
IT'S TIME TO ROLL.
NICE MEETING YOU.
- BUT DWIGHT, I THOUGHT WE
WERE ALL GOING TO LATIN AMERICA
TO BE MERCENARIES?
- I'LL BE WITH YOU IN SPIRIT.
- IT'S NOT GONNA
STOP A LOT OF BULLETS.
- LATER.
(music playing)
♪ ALL WE NEED ♪
♪ IS A DARK COLD NIGHT ♪
(music playing)
- HI.
- HOW'D IT GO IN NEW YORK?
- PRETTY GOOD. I FOUND
SOME NEW RESTAURANTS
AND FINALLY GOT TO SEE "CATS."
- DICK, WHAT ABOUT THE BOOK?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING
HOW PUBLISHING HOUSES
REACT TO PERSISTENCE.
I THINK THE PHRASE I
HEARD MOST OFTEN WAS
"SECURITY'S ON ITS WAY."
- OH, DICK, NOBODY BOUGHT IT?
- DON'T COUNT DWIGHT OUT YET.
DID ANY MAIL COME FOR
HIM WHILE I WAS AWAY?
- THERE IS SOMETHING
FROM STOCKBRIDGE & SONS.
- OH, TERRIFIC.
I KNEW THAT GAMBIT
WOULD PAY OFF.
I SORT OF COZIED UP
TO THE CLEANING LADY.
SHE PROMISED SHE'D GET MY
MANUSCRIPT TO THE HEAD MAN.
"DEAR MR. SCHMIDLAPP,
"SORRY I NO GIVE BOOK
TO MR. STOCKBRIDGE.
"I READ AND ME NO LIKE."
- THANK YOU.
EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.
GOODBYE.
- I HOPE YOU
REALIZE I DID MY BEST
TO MAKE YOUR STAY AS
PLEASANT AS POSSIBLE
AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT
YOU APPRECIATE ALL I'VE DONE.
- YOU WERE FINE.
- WELL, SURELY YOU CAN
EXPRESS THAT ANOTHER WAY.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
- AM I GETTING A TIP OR WHAT?
- OH WELL, LET'S SEE, TWO WEEKS,
THREE PEOPLE, WHAT THE HECK.
- MR. VAN CLEVE,
DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP
THIS WHOLE DOLLAR FOR MYSELF
OR DISTRIBUTE IT
AMONG ALL THE HELP?
- NO, NO, THAT'S FOR EVERYONE.
- WOW.
THIS IS MORE THAN I DESERVE.
I'LL GO OUTSIDE
AND SEE IF YOU HAVE
AIR IN YOUR TIRES.
- STEPHANIE.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
- I'LL GET YOUR BILL.
- OH, DON'T BOTHER.
I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
ADDING UP THE FIGURES MYSELF.
- $98 FOR 14 DAYS?
IT SHOULD BE OVER $600.
- TRUE, BUT WE WERE
ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM
ONLY A FEW HOURS A DAY.
- HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WELL, AS LONG AS
I'M QUITTING WRITING,
I TOOK SOME
MEASUREMENTS IN THERE
AND THERE'S PLENTY
OF ROOM FOR A JUKEBOX,
A POOL TABLE AND SOME LOW LIFES.
- DICK, YOU CAN'T QUIT WRITING.
- OH, ARE YOU A WRITER?
- NOT REALLY. YOU
CAN'T BE A WRITER
IF YOU CAN'T GET PUBLISHED.
- WE KNOW A PUBLISHER.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH, HE'S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
JAKE'S BEST FRIEND.
HERE'S WHERE HE WORKS.
JUST BE SURE TO TELL
HIM JAKE SENT YOU.
- GOOD OLD JAKE.
- HUH, DON'T KID YOURSELF.
HE'S A TIGHTWAD.
- NOW IF WE CAN
JUST SETTLE THIS BILL.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- THE VAN CLEVES DON'T
WANT TO PAY FOR THE TIME
THEY WEREN'T IN THE ROOM.
- WE FIGURE WE OWE YOU $98.
- YOU GOT IT.
- WHAT?
- OH, WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY,
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, LITTLE BRIAN ONLY ATE
HALF HIS BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.
- YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A POINT.
LET'S SEE, $98 MINUS HALF
A BOWL OF OATMEAL, $23.50?
I BET YOU DIDN'T USE
ALL YOUR TOWELS.
HA, HA, HA.
(music playing)
- HAVE A SEAT, MR. SCHMIDLAPP.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
SUPPOSED TO BE MY GOLF DAY
BUT SINCE YOU'RE A FRIEND
OF JAKE'S, SAY, CIGAR?
- NO, NO, THANKS.
- YOU'RE SURE? THEY'RE CUBAN.
A COURIER OF OURS SNEAKS THEM
IN FROM EUROPE EVERY OTHER WEEK.
CUSTOMS NEVER CHECKS HIM.
- GEE, THAT'S LUCKY.
I ONCE BROUGHT
FRUIT IN FROM CANADA.
BOY, DID I CATCH HELL.
(laughing)
- ANYWAY, THE REASON I...
- WELL, TELL ME, HOW IS JAKE?
- JAKE? WELL, YOU KNOW JAKE.
(laughing)
- IS HE BACK IN THE COUNTRY?
- YES.
- FANTASTIC. LET'S CALL HIM.
- OH, YOU MEAN, THIS COUNTRY?
- YEAH.
- UH, NO, NO, HE'S
STILL OVER THERE.
- AH, HOW'S LITTLE MOLLY DOING?
- HA, HA, OH, SHE'LL
TALK YOUR EAR OFF
IF YOU LET HER, YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHING)
- THAT'S INTERESTING.
MOLLY'S HIS DOG.
- WELL, TALK, BARK, YOU KNOW,
WE ALL COME FROM
THE SAME GUY UPSTAIRS.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. WHO ARE YOU?
- LOOK, I'M GONNA BE
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.
I'M DWIGHT SCHMIDLAPP.
JAKE'S BROTHER-IN-LAW
GAVE ME YOUR NAME.
I HAVE THIS MANUSCRIPT.
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
YOU DON'T LIE YOUR WAY IN HERE
AND EXPECT TO GET
ANY ATTENTION FROM ME.
JUST SUBMIT THAT
THROUGH CHANNELS.
- BUT I'VE BEEN
THROUGH CHANNELS.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN REJECTED
BY JUNIOR EDITORS
BECAUSE THEY NEVER HEARD OF ME.
I'VE EVEN BEEN REJECTED
BY A CLEANING LADY
BECAUSE SHE READ
BUT SHE NO LIKE.
- LOOK, I REALLY WANT
TO GET TO MY GOLF GAME.
- HOW DOES A KID GET A
BREAK IN THIS BUSINESS?
- KID?
LOOK, SON,
EVERYBODY THINKS HE'S A WRITER.
- BUT I AM.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- NO, I REALLY AM A WRITER.
READ THIS.
YOU'D BE HARD PUT TO TELL
ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS
AND, SAY, THE WORK
OF DICK LOUDON.
- DICK LOUDON?
(chuckling) NOT EXACTLY
SHOOTING FOR THE MOON, ARE YOU?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH DICK LOUDON?
- OH, NOTHING, I GUESS
HE'S ONE OF THE BEST
"HOW-TO" WRITERS AROUND.
I JUST DON'T HAPPEN TO CARE
FOR THOSE CUTSIE-POOH JOKES
HE THROWS IN.
YOU KNOW, "YOUR FANTASY BATHROOM
"DOESN'T HAVE TO
BE A PIPE DREAM."
(laughing)
(clearing throat)
- SORRY, KID.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
MANUSCRIPT, SOMEPLACE ELSE.
- CAN I USE YOUR PHONE?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
- HELLO, US CUSTOM SERVICE?
YES, COULD I SPEAK TO YOUR
CUBAN CIGAR GUY, PLEASE?
YEAH, I'LL HOLD.
- YOU WOULDN'T?
- ALL I WANT YOU
TO DO IS READ IT.
- WELL, I WON'T.
- YOU SAY YOU SMUGGLE TWO
CASES OF THESE A MONTH, RIGHT?
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
I'LL READ IT.
- OH, CUBAN CIGAR GUY,
YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO SAY
THAT YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB,
I HAVEN'T SEEN A
CUBAN CIGAR IN YEARS.
- "YOU DON'T NEED A PANEL OF
EXPERTS TO PANEL EXPERTLY."
(laughing)
(music playing)
- OKAY, STEPH, THE VAN
CLEVES WERE HERE 14 DAYS.
THEY SHOULD HAVE
TIPPED YOU $2 A DAY.
THEY LEFT YOU $1,
OUT OF WHICH WE HAD TO
GIVE 50 CENTS TO GEORGE.
- YES, MICHAEL.
- SO IF I WANT TO WIPE
THAT POUT OF YOUR FACE
THAT MEANS
I OWE YOU $27.50.
- IF YOU WANT.
- I JUST HEARD DICK'S CAR.
- BOY, I SURE HOPE
HE FOUND A PUBLISHER.
- I'M ALMOST AFRAID
TO ASK, HOW DID IT GO?
- WELL, LET ME PUT
IT THIS WAY, JOANNA.
ME SELL BOOK.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!