Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 18 - Will the Real Dick Loudon Please Shut Up? - full transcript
Dick is set to star in a home video version of his self-help plumbing book, but the director decides he lacks charisma and replaces him with an actor who knows nothing about plumbing.
(theme music playing)
- JOANNA, I JUST
GOT OFF THE PHONE
AND GUESS WHO
SOLD ONE OF HIS BOOKS
TO A MAJOR VIDEO COMPANY
TO BE THE FIRST IN THEIR
SERIES OF "HOW-TO" CASSETTES
STARRING WHAT LOCAL
TELEVISION PERSONALITY
WHO ALSO JUST HAPPENS TO
BE THE AUTHOR OF THAT BOOK?
- GEE, DICK, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE HER MORE
TO GO ON THAN THAT.
- THEY WANT YOU TO
MAKE A "HOW-TO" VIDEO?
HONEY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- BOY, YOU TWO KNOW EACH
OTHER SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
- NO, I MEAN, THIS IS GREAT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CHANCE TO
STRETCH MY CREATIVE MUSCLES
AND ENTER A NEW
LEVEL OF ARTISTRY.
- WHICH BOOK ARE THEY DOING?
- "SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
YEAH, THEY'RE GONNA
SHOOT A TEST SCENE
NEXT WEEK AT THE WPIV.
- THEY'RE COMING TO
VERMONT TO SHOOT?
- YEAH, WELL, THEY
FEEL, YOU KNOW,
IF I'M IN A SITUATION
WHERE I FEEL COMFORTABLE
AND WITH PEOPLE I KNOW
THAT IT'LL BE ARTISTICALLY...
CHEAP.
- HI, I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WE WOULD LIKE TO
ANNOUNCE A GRAND OPENING.
- OF WHAT?
- OF OUR NEW ESCORT SERVICE.
WE ALMOST CALLED IT
THE "ANYTHING FOR A
BUCK ESCORT SERVICE"
BUT DARRYL THOUGHT WE OUGHT
TO TRY SOMETHING MORE ROMANTIC.
- "THE ACME ESCORT SERVICE."
- HOW DID YOU GUYS
COME UP WITH THIS IDEA?
- WELL, WE WAS WONDERING
HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY
TO BUY INTO A TIMESHARE
CONDO NEAR EPCOT
WHEN DARRYL REALIZED
WHAT A VALUABLE COMMODITY
WE ARE IN OURSELVES.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT UP
THERE WITH PORK BELLIES.
- THANK YOU.
DARRYL, TACK ONE OF THEM
LITTLE EYE-CATCHERS RIGHT THERE.
- NO!
YOU SEE, LARRY, WE HAVE
THIS PILE OF BROCHURES
AND WHEN SINGLE WOMEN ARE
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO,
ODDLY ENOUGH, THE FIRST PLACE
THEY TEND TO LOOK IS RIGHT HERE.
- NEAR THE BOTTOM?
- GO FIGURE WOMEN.
(chuckling)
- WELL, WE'D BETTER GET
BACK BEFORE THEM CALLS
FROM AFFECTION-STARVED
FEMALES START FLOODING IN.
- LARRY, WHAT IF THERE
ISN'T EXACTLY A FLOOD?
- GET REAL.
HERE WE ARE, THE PERFECT
COMBINATION OF LOOKS,
SOPHISTICATION AND CONVERSATION.
- YOU KNOW, THOSE THREE KNOW
EACH OTHER SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
(music playing)
- HEY, CREW, THIS
IS JERRY NURCO,
THE HEAD FRIJOLE
OF THE HOW-TO VIDEO.
JER, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR CRACKERJACK CREW.
THIS IS OUR PROP MAN, BUD.
- HEY, NOT SO
FORMAL. CALL ME BUD.
- OUR DIRECTOR, J.J.
- NICE TO MEET SOMEBODY
FROM THE BIG TIME.
I'M GONNA DELIVER YOU SOME
FIRST-CLASS WHACKETA-WHACKETA.
- BINGETA-BUNGETA.
- BOOM!
(laughing)
- WHOA, WAVELENGTH.
AND HERE'S OUR STAR.
DICK, READY TO MAKE
VIDEO VA-VA-VAVOOM?
- MICHAEL, I'M ONLY GONNA
CHANGE A WA-WA-WASHER.
IT'S A SIMPLE
30-SECOND TEST TAPE.
- BUT DICK...
- CHANGE A WASHER.
SIMPLE, ELOQUENT, I LOVE IT.
- THANKS, IT WAS MY IDEA.
- PLACES, EVERYONE.
- J.J., IT'S ONLY ME.
- FINE.
PLACE, DICK.
- ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
- ALL YOU NEED TO BE
YOUR OWN PLUMBER
IS A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
AND THE RIGHT TOOLS.
WHERE ARE MY TOOLS?
- IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, DICK?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
- THIS ISN'T A MAGIC ACT.
I DON'T NEED A
BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
- BUT, DICK...
- YOU KNOW, THIS MAY
BE GOING A BIT TOO FAR.
- MY SENTIMENTS
EXACTLY. BAD IDEA, STEPH.
- MICHAEL!
- LISTEN, PUPPY
KNEES, I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR ONE OF THOSE
COMPROMISES WE'VE TALKED ABOUT.
- OKAY. HOW ABOUT
YOU GET YOUR WAY NOW
AND I GET MY WAY
ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?
- SOUNDS FAIR.
- AND TAKE LIBERACE'S
TOOLBOX WITH YOU.
- FINE, DICK.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF SOME
OTHER ANNOYING INNOVATIONS
LIKE COLOR, SOUND?
- READY?
- ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S "SO YOU
WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
AND OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
(music playing)
- WHAT'S THAT?
- A VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER
SO I CAN VIEW ALL THE CASSETTES
I'M GOING TO BE MAKING.
- DICK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
GET ONE OF THOSE FOR ME
WHEN "GONE WITH
THE WIND" CAME OUT.
- I WASN'T IN "GONE
WITH THE WIND."
- WELL, I THINK IT'S
JUST AN EXPENSIVE TOY.
- FRANKLY, MY DEAR,
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
- HAH!
- EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU
RECOMMEND SOMETHING
FOR ME TO DO THIS EVENING?
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK
THROUGH THIS PILE OF BROCHURES,
MISS PARKMAN?
- OH, AN ESCORT SERVICE.
- FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T!
THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
- THAT COULD TAKE
AN EVENING IN ITSELF.
MISS PARKMAN, WHY DON'T
YOU GO TO THE SPINNAKER?
THEY HAVE WONDERFUL SEAFOOD.
- WELL, I DO LOVE SEAFOOD
BUT I'M THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO LIKES TO TRY NEW THINGS.
- THEN RENT A DUCK SUIT.
JUST DON'T DO THIS.
- RENT A DUCK SUIT?
- WELL, THERE'S NO
POINT IN BUYING ONE.
- HEY, DICK.
- OH, HI, JER, WHAT'S THE
WORD FROM NEW YORK?
- EVERYTHING'S
GREAT, JUST GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR ONE TINY GLITCH.
- DON'T TELL ME, THE
SCRIPT'S A LITTLE FLAT.
I'VE BEEN PUNCHING IT UP.
- THEY LOVED THE SCRIPT.
- OH!
- THEY HATED YOU.
- WHAT?
- NO, MAYBE HATE'S
TOO STRONG A WORD.
THEY DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE
QUITE RIGHT FOR THE PART.
- OF DICK LOUDON?
- RIGHT. WE'RE RECASTING.
(music playing)
- HOW CAN I NOT BE RIGHT
FOR THE PART OF MYSELF?
- DICK, PERSONALLY, I THINK
YOU MAKE A DAMN FINE YOU.
BUT THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT
TESTED YOUR PLUMBING DEMO
AND THEY CAME UP WITH A
FEW NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- NOW, FIRST, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THAT THESE ARE NOT
NECESSARILY BAD QUALITIES.
THEY JUST DON'T FIT IN WITH
THE HOME OFFICE'S THINKING.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU'RE BORING.
THEY'RE JUST NOT
LOOKING FOR THAT.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- AND THEN THERE'S THAT
DARN STAMMER OF YOURS.
MAKES YOU SOUND
UNSURE OF YOURSELF.
- WELL, HOW... HOW... HOW
CAN... HOW CAN THEY... HOW CAN...
HOW CAN THEY SAY THAT?
- AND PEOPLE DON'T
SEEM TO TRUST YOU.
NOW RESEARCH FEELS
IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH YOUR SHIFTY EYES.
I'M OVER HERE, DICK.
PLUS YOU DON'T SEEM TO
HIT OUR TARGET AUDIENCE,
THE 20 TO 30 YEAR-OLD
WORKING MALE.
- WHO DO I HIT?
- 55 TO 70 YEAR-OLD WOMEN.
THEY LOVE YOU. THEY WANT
TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN.
TROUBLE IS, THEY DON'T
FIX THEIR OWN PLUMBING.
- WELL, IF I'M NOT
DOING THIS VIDEO,
NOBODY IS 'CAUSE I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU USE THE BOOK.
- TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT
YOUR BOOK ANYMORE, DICK.
YOU WANT TO READ THAT?
- "THE AUTHOR RELINQUISHES
ALL RIGHTS TO THIS BOOK
IN PERPETUITY IN THIS MEDIUM
OR ANY OTHER INVENTED
THROUGH TIME
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE."
- WE LIKE TO TIE UP
THOSE LITTLE LOOPHOLES.
- HI, JER. HI, DICK.
Dick: I'M NOT DICK ANYMORE.
THEY'RE RECASTING.
- WHAT?
- THEY... THEY SAY
I'M A... A STAMMERING,
SHIFT... SHIFTY-EYED BORE.
- OH, REALLY?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MR. BIG SHOT,
YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO
YOUR FANCY NEW YORK STUDIO
AND USE ALL THE HIGH
TECHNOLOGY YOU CAN FIND.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO
MAKE THIS PROJECT WORK.
YOU HAVE NOTHING IF YOU
DON'T HAVE THIS MAN, RIGHT HERE.
- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
- MICHAEL, WE'RE STILL
PLANNING TO SHOOT AT WPIV.
- OH, WELL, LET'S BRAINSTORM
ON REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK.
- MICHAEL!
- DICK! DICK, CALM DOWN.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T
WANT YOU ON THE PROJECT.
WE JUST WANT YOU
BEHIND THE CAMERA
WHERE YOU CAN'T BORE PEOPLE.
- AND YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU?
WELL, FORGET IT IN PERPETUITY
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE.
- DICK, WE'RE GONNA MAKE
THIS VIDEO EITHER WAY.
YOU CAN ADVISE US AND SEE THAT
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A
PLUMBER?" IS TRUE TO YOUR VISION
OR WE CAN LEAVE ALL THE
CREATIVE DECISIONS UP TO MICHAEL.
- WELL, LET'S MAKE
A VIDEO VA-VAVOOM.
(music playing)
- BUT HOW CAN THEY
FIRE YOU JUST BECAUSE
SOME STUPID RESEARCH
SAYS YOU HAVE SHIFTY EYES?
- YEAH.
WHOO, THEY DO KEEP
MOVING, DON'T THEY?
BUT THEY'RE NOT SHIFTY.
- JOANNA, CAN I KNOCK OFF NOW?
THAT TABLE OVER THERE ORDERED
HEAVY CREAM AND I'M BUSHED.
- STEPHANIE, MISS PARKMAN
HASN'T COME DOWN YET.
YOU'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE TO SERVE HER.
- NO, I WON'T.
SHE NEVER CAME BACK LAST NIGHT.
- YOU... ARE YOU SURE?
- WELL, HER BED'S STILL MADE
AND HER BATHROOM'S UNUSED.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL A GUEST.
- DICK, JOANNA, MORNING.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE MAN
WHO'S GONNA HOST YOUR VIDEO
AND MAKE IT A NUMBER ONE SELLER.
ED MCKENDRICK, DICK
AND JOANNA LOUDON,
GEORGE UTLEY.
- HELLO.
- WHY DON'T YOU GRAB
A SEAT? I'VE GOT TO CALL
THE NEW YORK OFFICE,
CHECK FOR MESSAGES.
- MR. LOUDON, I KNOW HOW
HARD IT MUST BE FOR YOU
TO HAVE ME COMING IN LIKE THIS
AND INTERPRETING YOUR WORK.
I KNOW HOW PERSONAL IT
MUST BE AND I FEEL FOR YOU.
- AHH.
- I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE
ADMIRED YOUR BOOKS FOR YEARS.
- YOU LUG, YOU.
- AND I COULD HAVE NEVER
FINISHED MY SECOND BATHROOM
WITHOUT YOU.
- I'M GLAD I WAS THERE.
- DO YOU MIND IF I SIT
DOWN, MR. LOUDON?
- SURE. AND PLEASE,
CALL HIM DICK.
- ALL I WANT TO DO IS
TAKE YOUR ENTHUSIASM,
YOUR EXCITEMENT, YOUR ESSENCE
AND MAKE IT COME
ACROSS ON THE SCREEN.
- GEE, DICK, CAN
HE STAY FOR LUNCH?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET AWAY FROM HIM!
- WHAT? WHAT?
- I DON'T WANT YOU PICKING
UP ANY OF HIS MANNERISMS.
LET ME LOOK AT YOUR EYES.
AH, THANK GOD.
- I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT
ED IS KIND OF LIKEABLE.
- YEAH, I COULD LEARN
PLUMBING FROM HIM IN A MINUTE.
OF COURSE, I ALREADY
KNOW PLUMBING
SO I GUESS I'M NOT
THE ONE TO GO BY.
- OH, NO!
MISS PARKMAN, YOU DIDN'T CALL?
- ACME ESCORT SERVICE,
SERVING THE COMMUNITY
FOR OVER 24 HOURS.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- I'M FINE.
- 'COURSE SHE IS. WE
HAVEN'T LOST ONE YET.
- MISS PARKMAN, WE THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE DINNER
AT THE SPINNAKER.
- WE BEGGED YOU.
- SHE DIDN'T NEED TO.
OUR FEE INCLUDES A MEAL.
- I'VE NEVER TRAPPED MY
OWN HORS D'OEUVRES BEFORE.
- WELL, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME?
- SHE SAID SHE WANTED
TO SEE SOME NIGHTLIFE
SO NATURALLY WE TOOK
HER RIGHT TO THE BAT CAVE.
- THE BAT CAVE?
- THEY'RE REAL FRIENDLY.
IF YOU STAND PERFECTLY STILL,
THEY'LL COME AND
LAND RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR.
- HE'S RIGHT.
- AFTER THAT, WE PRETENDED
WE WAS LOST IN THE WOODS.
- YOU WERE PRETENDING?
- WELL, DARRYL SENSED YOU
DIDN'T WANT THE EVENING TO END.
DOES HE KNOW WOMEN OR WHAT?
- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
FOR... HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
- OH, WE'LL KEEP A RUNNING TAB.
SO WHAT TIME WILL YOU BE
NEEDING OUR SERVICES TONIGHT?
- AH, THANK YOU,
THAT'S VERY SWEET
BUT I'M PLANNING TO SPEND TODAY
AND TONIGHT WASHING MY HAIR.
- OH. WELL, I HATE TO IMPRISON A
NOBLE SENTIMENT IN MERE WORDS
BUT BYE.
- WELL, I HAVE A LOT
OF BATHING TO DO.
- J.J., DO YOU MIND IF I
DO MOST OF MY TALKING
INTO THIS CAMERA?
THIS IS MY GOOD SIDE.
- HEY, AT LEAST YOU'VE
GOT A GOOD SIDE.
- HI, DICK, HA-HA.
- WHAT'S THIS, GUYS?
NO SPANGLED TOOLBOX,
NO MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT?
- ACTUALLY, WITH ED HERE,
WE DON'T NEED TO CREATE
THE ILLUSION OF EXCITEMENT.
- OKAY.
LET'S MAKE "HOW-TO" HISTORY.
- DON'T BE AFRAID TO
GET TIGHT ON HIS FACE.
THOSE EYES AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE.
- PLACES, PLEASE.
- DICK, DICK, WAKE
UP. HE CALLED PLACES.
- I'M NOT IN THIS, BUD.
- OH, NEVER MIND, DICK,
THEY GOT SOMEBODY.
HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
- AND ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
- WHAT A GREAT AD LIB.
I LOVE THIS GUY.
- IT WASN'T AN
AD LIB. I WROTE IT.
- DICK, PUT THAT GREEN-EYED
MONSTER BACK IN ITS CAGE.
- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
SEEN A HANDSOME SINK LIKE THIS
AND SAID, "MAN, WOULD THAT
SNAZZ UP MY BATHROOM"?
WELL, I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU STEP BY STEP
THROUGH INSTALLING
THIS BABY YOURSELF.
NOW, THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO
IS REMOVE THESE CAPS
FROM THE WATER PIPE.
(whispering)
- ED, ED, SHUT OFF
THE MAIN VALVE.
- WHAT?
- CUT.
DICK RUINED THE SCENE.
- BUT HE WAS DOING IT WRONG.
BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF THE CAPS,
YOU HAVE TO SHUT OFF THE
WATER AT THE MAIN VALVE.
- OH, YEAH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW
EVERYTHING ABOUT PLUMBING?
- WELL, I DO.
SINK, PIPES, THIS
THING... MAIN VALVE.
- YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT, DO YOU?
- GIMME A BREAK.
IT'S THE BEST PART I'VE
BEEN OFFERED IN TWO YEARS.
- JER, THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT PLUMBING.
- IS THIS TRUE?
- NO WAY, JERRY.
- HE ADMITTED IT. HE
LIED TO GET THE PART.
- I DID NOT.
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA
BELIEVE, HIM OR ME?
- SORRY, ED.
WE WON'T LET HIM
BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT FROM
"THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO."
- RIGHT.
NOW THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO
IS SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE,
THEN REMOVE THESE CAPS.
- SEE, HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES
WE'RE GOING TO
CONNECT THESE FITTINGS.
- CUT.
- GEE, THAT'S FUNNY.
USUALLY IT'S MY
VOICE SAYING "CUT."
SOMETHING WE CAN
DO FOR YOU, DICK?
- ED, YOU FORGOT TO
PUT IN THE WASHER.
- I THOUGHT WE WERE
PUTTING IN A SINK?
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HE DIDN'T PUT A
WASHER IN THE FITTING.
- DICK, DICK, THERE'S
SUCH A THING
AS BEING TOO CONSCIENTIOUS.
ARE WE READY?
- EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE TO ME.
- YEAH, HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
ACTION.
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES WE'LL
CONNECT THESE FITTINGS.
I SHOULD POINT OUT
THAT THIS PROCEDURE
APPLIES TO SINKS AND TO WASHERS.
- THE CORRECT WAY TO FASTEN
THIS IS WITH A CROISSANT WRENCH.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
ASK FOR IT AT THE
HARDWARE STORE.
- AND IF THEY'RE OUT
OF IT, TRY THE BAKERY.
- SHH.
- WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING LEFT TO DO
BUT OPEN THE MAIN VALVE
AND TURN ON YOUR NEW SINK.
HEY, IT WORKS.
- WELL, DICK, THE SKY
ISN'T EXACTLY FALLING.
- SO, DO YOU FEEL
LIKE A PLUMBER?
I KNOW I DO.
- ED, SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE.
- OH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
- BUD, GET THE FUSE BOX.
- PLEASE, ONE THING AT A TIME.
I'VE GOT TO GET THE FUSE BOX.
- SO, WE GOT TO DO ANOTHER TAKE?
- NOT WITH YOU, ED.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST
THING ABOUT PLUMBING.
- I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT.
- ED?
- WELL, I'VE USED THE BATHROOM.
I HAD TO DO IT. IT WAS THE PART.
I KNOW THIS DICK LOUDON.
I KNOW HOW HE WALKS.
I KNOW HOW HE EATS BREAKFAST.
I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
- ED, SHOW US HOW HE EXITS.
- NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I'VE GOT TO DELIVER A
VIDEO TAPE ON TUESDAY
AND WE LOST OUR STAR.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT
TO FIND SOMEBODY.
- BUT WHO?
- WHAT ABOUT GEORGE UTLEY?
- NO, TOO ETHNIC.
- OH, WHAT THE HELL.
- DICK, SWEETHEART.
- YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO SHOOT ME IN THIS.
I HAVE THOSE SHIFTY EYES.
- NOT SHIFTY, BOUNCY.
- WHAT ABOUT MY STAMMER?
- BUILDS SUSPENSE.
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY
THE SENTENCE IS GOING TO GO.
- BUT ONLY OLD LADIES LIKE ME.
- DICK, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT
90% OF ALL RESEARCH IS WRONG.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- C'MON, DICK,
DON'T MAKE US BEG.
- OH, I'D NEVER DO THAT.
ACTUALLY, WHAT I'D REALLY
LIKE YOU TO DO IS SING.
- SING?
- NO.
SING AND DANCE.
(laughing)
- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
- NO SONG AND DANCE, NO VIDEO.
- YOU GUYS KNOW
"FINE AND DANDY"?
- HEY, COUNT ME OUT.
I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE
IN ANYTHING
THIS CHILDISH AND DEMEANING.
- I WAS THINKING, JER,
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE
TO SHOOT THIS AT WPIV.
- TWO, THREE, FOUR.
♪ GEE IT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY ♪
♪ SUGAR CANDY
WHEN I'M WITH YOU ♪
♪ THEN I ONLY SEE
THE SUNNY SIDE ♪
♪ EVEN TROUBLE
HAS ITS FUNNY SIDE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE GONE SUGAR CANDY ♪
♪ I GET SO LONESOME
I GET SO BLUE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE HANDY ♪
♪ IT'S FINE AND DANDY ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YOU'RE
GONE WHAT CAN I DO? ♪
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
- JOANNA, I JUST
GOT OFF THE PHONE
AND GUESS WHO
SOLD ONE OF HIS BOOKS
TO A MAJOR VIDEO COMPANY
TO BE THE FIRST IN THEIR
SERIES OF "HOW-TO" CASSETTES
STARRING WHAT LOCAL
TELEVISION PERSONALITY
WHO ALSO JUST HAPPENS TO
BE THE AUTHOR OF THAT BOOK?
- GEE, DICK, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GIVE HER MORE
TO GO ON THAN THAT.
- THEY WANT YOU TO
MAKE A "HOW-TO" VIDEO?
HONEY, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- BOY, YOU TWO KNOW EACH
OTHER SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
- NO, I MEAN, THIS IS GREAT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CHANCE TO
STRETCH MY CREATIVE MUSCLES
AND ENTER A NEW
LEVEL OF ARTISTRY.
- WHICH BOOK ARE THEY DOING?
- "SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
YEAH, THEY'RE GONNA
SHOOT A TEST SCENE
NEXT WEEK AT THE WPIV.
- THEY'RE COMING TO
VERMONT TO SHOOT?
- YEAH, WELL, THEY
FEEL, YOU KNOW,
IF I'M IN A SITUATION
WHERE I FEEL COMFORTABLE
AND WITH PEOPLE I KNOW
THAT IT'LL BE ARTISTICALLY...
CHEAP.
- HI, I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WE WOULD LIKE TO
ANNOUNCE A GRAND OPENING.
- OF WHAT?
- OF OUR NEW ESCORT SERVICE.
WE ALMOST CALLED IT
THE "ANYTHING FOR A
BUCK ESCORT SERVICE"
BUT DARRYL THOUGHT WE OUGHT
TO TRY SOMETHING MORE ROMANTIC.
- "THE ACME ESCORT SERVICE."
- HOW DID YOU GUYS
COME UP WITH THIS IDEA?
- WELL, WE WAS WONDERING
HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY
TO BUY INTO A TIMESHARE
CONDO NEAR EPCOT
WHEN DARRYL REALIZED
WHAT A VALUABLE COMMODITY
WE ARE IN OURSELVES.
- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT UP
THERE WITH PORK BELLIES.
- THANK YOU.
DARRYL, TACK ONE OF THEM
LITTLE EYE-CATCHERS RIGHT THERE.
- NO!
YOU SEE, LARRY, WE HAVE
THIS PILE OF BROCHURES
AND WHEN SINGLE WOMEN ARE
LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO,
ODDLY ENOUGH, THE FIRST PLACE
THEY TEND TO LOOK IS RIGHT HERE.
- NEAR THE BOTTOM?
- GO FIGURE WOMEN.
(chuckling)
- WELL, WE'D BETTER GET
BACK BEFORE THEM CALLS
FROM AFFECTION-STARVED
FEMALES START FLOODING IN.
- LARRY, WHAT IF THERE
ISN'T EXACTLY A FLOOD?
- GET REAL.
HERE WE ARE, THE PERFECT
COMBINATION OF LOOKS,
SOPHISTICATION AND CONVERSATION.
- YOU KNOW, THOSE THREE KNOW
EACH OTHER SO WELL, IT'S SCARY.
(music playing)
- HEY, CREW, THIS
IS JERRY NURCO,
THE HEAD FRIJOLE
OF THE HOW-TO VIDEO.
JER, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR CRACKERJACK CREW.
THIS IS OUR PROP MAN, BUD.
- HEY, NOT SO
FORMAL. CALL ME BUD.
- OUR DIRECTOR, J.J.
- NICE TO MEET SOMEBODY
FROM THE BIG TIME.
I'M GONNA DELIVER YOU SOME
FIRST-CLASS WHACKETA-WHACKETA.
- BINGETA-BUNGETA.
- BOOM!
(laughing)
- WHOA, WAVELENGTH.
AND HERE'S OUR STAR.
DICK, READY TO MAKE
VIDEO VA-VA-VAVOOM?
- MICHAEL, I'M ONLY GONNA
CHANGE A WA-WA-WASHER.
IT'S A SIMPLE
30-SECOND TEST TAPE.
- BUT DICK...
- CHANGE A WASHER.
SIMPLE, ELOQUENT, I LOVE IT.
- THANKS, IT WAS MY IDEA.
- PLACES, EVERYONE.
- J.J., IT'S ONLY ME.
- FINE.
PLACE, DICK.
- ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
- ALL YOU NEED TO BE
YOUR OWN PLUMBER
IS A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
AND THE RIGHT TOOLS.
WHERE ARE MY TOOLS?
- IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR, DICK?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M YOUR BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
- THIS ISN'T A MAGIC ACT.
I DON'T NEED A
BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT.
- BUT, DICK...
- YOU KNOW, THIS MAY
BE GOING A BIT TOO FAR.
- MY SENTIMENTS
EXACTLY. BAD IDEA, STEPH.
- MICHAEL!
- LISTEN, PUPPY
KNEES, I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR ONE OF THOSE
COMPROMISES WE'VE TALKED ABOUT.
- OKAY. HOW ABOUT
YOU GET YOUR WAY NOW
AND I GET MY WAY
ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS?
- SOUNDS FAIR.
- AND TAKE LIBERACE'S
TOOLBOX WITH YOU.
- FINE, DICK.
WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF SOME
OTHER ANNOYING INNOVATIONS
LIKE COLOR, SOUND?
- READY?
- ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S "SO YOU
WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
AND OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
(music playing)
- WHAT'S THAT?
- A VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER
SO I CAN VIEW ALL THE CASSETTES
I'M GOING TO BE MAKING.
- DICK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
GET ONE OF THOSE FOR ME
WHEN "GONE WITH
THE WIND" CAME OUT.
- I WASN'T IN "GONE
WITH THE WIND."
- WELL, I THINK IT'S
JUST AN EXPENSIVE TOY.
- FRANKLY, MY DEAR,
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
- HAH!
- EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU
RECOMMEND SOMETHING
FOR ME TO DO THIS EVENING?
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK
THROUGH THIS PILE OF BROCHURES,
MISS PARKMAN?
- OH, AN ESCORT SERVICE.
- FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T!
THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING ELSE IN HERE.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
- THAT COULD TAKE
AN EVENING IN ITSELF.
MISS PARKMAN, WHY DON'T
YOU GO TO THE SPINNAKER?
THEY HAVE WONDERFUL SEAFOOD.
- WELL, I DO LOVE SEAFOOD
BUT I'M THE KIND OF PERSON
WHO LIKES TO TRY NEW THINGS.
- THEN RENT A DUCK SUIT.
JUST DON'T DO THIS.
- RENT A DUCK SUIT?
- WELL, THERE'S NO
POINT IN BUYING ONE.
- HEY, DICK.
- OH, HI, JER, WHAT'S THE
WORD FROM NEW YORK?
- EVERYTHING'S
GREAT, JUST GREAT.
EXCEPT FOR ONE TINY GLITCH.
- DON'T TELL ME, THE
SCRIPT'S A LITTLE FLAT.
I'VE BEEN PUNCHING IT UP.
- THEY LOVED THE SCRIPT.
- OH!
- THEY HATED YOU.
- WHAT?
- NO, MAYBE HATE'S
TOO STRONG A WORD.
THEY DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE
QUITE RIGHT FOR THE PART.
- OF DICK LOUDON?
- RIGHT. WE'RE RECASTING.
(music playing)
- HOW CAN I NOT BE RIGHT
FOR THE PART OF MYSELF?
- DICK, PERSONALLY, I THINK
YOU MAKE A DAMN FINE YOU.
BUT THE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT
TESTED YOUR PLUMBING DEMO
AND THEY CAME UP WITH A
FEW NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- NOW, FIRST, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THAT THESE ARE NOT
NECESSARILY BAD QUALITIES.
THEY JUST DON'T FIT IN WITH
THE HOME OFFICE'S THINKING.
FOR INSTANCE, YOU'RE BORING.
THEY'RE JUST NOT
LOOKING FOR THAT.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- AND THEN THERE'S THAT
DARN STAMMER OF YOURS.
MAKES YOU SOUND
UNSURE OF YOURSELF.
- WELL, HOW... HOW... HOW
CAN... HOW CAN THEY... HOW CAN...
HOW CAN THEY SAY THAT?
- AND PEOPLE DON'T
SEEM TO TRUST YOU.
NOW RESEARCH FEELS
IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH YOUR SHIFTY EYES.
I'M OVER HERE, DICK.
PLUS YOU DON'T SEEM TO
HIT OUR TARGET AUDIENCE,
THE 20 TO 30 YEAR-OLD
WORKING MALE.
- WHO DO I HIT?
- 55 TO 70 YEAR-OLD WOMEN.
THEY LOVE YOU. THEY WANT
TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN.
TROUBLE IS, THEY DON'T
FIX THEIR OWN PLUMBING.
- WELL, IF I'M NOT
DOING THIS VIDEO,
NOBODY IS 'CAUSE I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU USE THE BOOK.
- TECHNICALLY, IT'S NOT
YOUR BOOK ANYMORE, DICK.
YOU WANT TO READ THAT?
- "THE AUTHOR RELINQUISHES
ALL RIGHTS TO THIS BOOK
IN PERPETUITY IN THIS MEDIUM
OR ANY OTHER INVENTED
THROUGH TIME
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE."
- WE LIKE TO TIE UP
THOSE LITTLE LOOPHOLES.
- HI, JER. HI, DICK.
Dick: I'M NOT DICK ANYMORE.
THEY'RE RECASTING.
- WHAT?
- THEY... THEY SAY
I'M A... A STAMMERING,
SHIFT... SHIFTY-EYED BORE.
- OH, REALLY?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MR. BIG SHOT,
YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO
YOUR FANCY NEW YORK STUDIO
AND USE ALL THE HIGH
TECHNOLOGY YOU CAN FIND.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO
MAKE THIS PROJECT WORK.
YOU HAVE NOTHING IF YOU
DON'T HAVE THIS MAN, RIGHT HERE.
- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
- MICHAEL, WE'RE STILL
PLANNING TO SHOOT AT WPIV.
- OH, WELL, LET'S BRAINSTORM
ON REPLACEMENTS FOR DICK.
- MICHAEL!
- DICK! DICK, CALM DOWN.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T
WANT YOU ON THE PROJECT.
WE JUST WANT YOU
BEHIND THE CAMERA
WHERE YOU CAN'T BORE PEOPLE.
- AND YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU?
WELL, FORGET IT IN PERPETUITY
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE.
- DICK, WE'RE GONNA MAKE
THIS VIDEO EITHER WAY.
YOU CAN ADVISE US AND SEE THAT
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A
PLUMBER?" IS TRUE TO YOUR VISION
OR WE CAN LEAVE ALL THE
CREATIVE DECISIONS UP TO MICHAEL.
- WELL, LET'S MAKE
A VIDEO VA-VAVOOM.
(music playing)
- BUT HOW CAN THEY
FIRE YOU JUST BECAUSE
SOME STUPID RESEARCH
SAYS YOU HAVE SHIFTY EYES?
- YEAH.
WHOO, THEY DO KEEP
MOVING, DON'T THEY?
BUT THEY'RE NOT SHIFTY.
- JOANNA, CAN I KNOCK OFF NOW?
THAT TABLE OVER THERE ORDERED
HEAVY CREAM AND I'M BUSHED.
- STEPHANIE, MISS PARKMAN
HASN'T COME DOWN YET.
YOU'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE TO SERVE HER.
- NO, I WON'T.
SHE NEVER CAME BACK LAST NIGHT.
- YOU... ARE YOU SURE?
- WELL, HER BED'S STILL MADE
AND HER BATHROOM'S UNUSED.
THAT'S WHAT I CALL A GUEST.
- DICK, JOANNA, MORNING.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE MAN
WHO'S GONNA HOST YOUR VIDEO
AND MAKE IT A NUMBER ONE SELLER.
ED MCKENDRICK, DICK
AND JOANNA LOUDON,
GEORGE UTLEY.
- HELLO.
- WHY DON'T YOU GRAB
A SEAT? I'VE GOT TO CALL
THE NEW YORK OFFICE,
CHECK FOR MESSAGES.
- MR. LOUDON, I KNOW HOW
HARD IT MUST BE FOR YOU
TO HAVE ME COMING IN LIKE THIS
AND INTERPRETING YOUR WORK.
I KNOW HOW PERSONAL IT
MUST BE AND I FEEL FOR YOU.
- AHH.
- I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE
ADMIRED YOUR BOOKS FOR YEARS.
- YOU LUG, YOU.
- AND I COULD HAVE NEVER
FINISHED MY SECOND BATHROOM
WITHOUT YOU.
- I'M GLAD I WAS THERE.
- DO YOU MIND IF I SIT
DOWN, MR. LOUDON?
- SURE. AND PLEASE,
CALL HIM DICK.
- ALL I WANT TO DO IS
TAKE YOUR ENTHUSIASM,
YOUR EXCITEMENT, YOUR ESSENCE
AND MAKE IT COME
ACROSS ON THE SCREEN.
- GEE, DICK, CAN
HE STAY FOR LUNCH?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET AWAY FROM HIM!
- WHAT? WHAT?
- I DON'T WANT YOU PICKING
UP ANY OF HIS MANNERISMS.
LET ME LOOK AT YOUR EYES.
AH, THANK GOD.
- I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT
ED IS KIND OF LIKEABLE.
- YEAH, I COULD LEARN
PLUMBING FROM HIM IN A MINUTE.
OF COURSE, I ALREADY
KNOW PLUMBING
SO I GUESS I'M NOT
THE ONE TO GO BY.
- OH, NO!
MISS PARKMAN, YOU DIDN'T CALL?
- ACME ESCORT SERVICE,
SERVING THE COMMUNITY
FOR OVER 24 HOURS.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- I'M FINE.
- 'COURSE SHE IS. WE
HAVEN'T LOST ONE YET.
- MISS PARKMAN, WE THOUGHT
YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE DINNER
AT THE SPINNAKER.
- WE BEGGED YOU.
- SHE DIDN'T NEED TO.
OUR FEE INCLUDES A MEAL.
- I'VE NEVER TRAPPED MY
OWN HORS D'OEUVRES BEFORE.
- WELL, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME?
- SHE SAID SHE WANTED
TO SEE SOME NIGHTLIFE
SO NATURALLY WE TOOK
HER RIGHT TO THE BAT CAVE.
- THE BAT CAVE?
- THEY'RE REAL FRIENDLY.
IF YOU STAND PERFECTLY STILL,
THEY'LL COME AND
LAND RIGHT IN YOUR HAIR.
- HE'S RIGHT.
- AFTER THAT, WE PRETENDED
WE WAS LOST IN THE WOODS.
- YOU WERE PRETENDING?
- WELL, DARRYL SENSED YOU
DIDN'T WANT THE EVENING TO END.
DOES HE KNOW WOMEN OR WHAT?
- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU
FOR... HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
- OH, WE'LL KEEP A RUNNING TAB.
SO WHAT TIME WILL YOU BE
NEEDING OUR SERVICES TONIGHT?
- AH, THANK YOU,
THAT'S VERY SWEET
BUT I'M PLANNING TO SPEND TODAY
AND TONIGHT WASHING MY HAIR.
- OH. WELL, I HATE TO IMPRISON A
NOBLE SENTIMENT IN MERE WORDS
BUT BYE.
- WELL, I HAVE A LOT
OF BATHING TO DO.
- J.J., DO YOU MIND IF I
DO MOST OF MY TALKING
INTO THIS CAMERA?
THIS IS MY GOOD SIDE.
- HEY, AT LEAST YOU'VE
GOT A GOOD SIDE.
- HI, DICK, HA-HA.
- WHAT'S THIS, GUYS?
NO SPANGLED TOOLBOX,
NO MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT?
- ACTUALLY, WITH ED HERE,
WE DON'T NEED TO CREATE
THE ILLUSION OF EXCITEMENT.
- OKAY.
LET'S MAKE "HOW-TO" HISTORY.
- DON'T BE AFRAID TO
GET TIGHT ON HIS FACE.
THOSE EYES AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE.
- PLACES, PLEASE.
- DICK, DICK, WAKE
UP. HE CALLED PLACES.
- I'M NOT IN THIS, BUD.
- OH, NEVER MIND, DICK,
THEY GOT SOMEBODY.
HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
- AND ACTION.
- HI, AND WELCOME
TO DICK LOUDON'S
"SO YOU WANT TO BE A PLUMBER?"
OF COURSE, AT TODAY'S
PRICES, WHO DOESN'T?
(laughing)
- WHAT A GREAT AD LIB.
I LOVE THIS GUY.
- IT WASN'T AN
AD LIB. I WROTE IT.
- DICK, PUT THAT GREEN-EYED
MONSTER BACK IN ITS CAGE.
- HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
SEEN A HANDSOME SINK LIKE THIS
AND SAID, "MAN, WOULD THAT
SNAZZ UP MY BATHROOM"?
WELL, I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU STEP BY STEP
THROUGH INSTALLING
THIS BABY YOURSELF.
NOW, THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO
IS REMOVE THESE CAPS
FROM THE WATER PIPE.
(whispering)
- ED, ED, SHUT OFF
THE MAIN VALVE.
- WHAT?
- CUT.
DICK RUINED THE SCENE.
- BUT HE WAS DOING IT WRONG.
BEFORE YOU TAKE OFF THE CAPS,
YOU HAVE TO SHUT OFF THE
WATER AT THE MAIN VALVE.
- OH, YEAH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
- I THOUGHT YOU KNEW
EVERYTHING ABOUT PLUMBING?
- WELL, I DO.
SINK, PIPES, THIS
THING... MAIN VALVE.
- YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT, DO YOU?
- GIMME A BREAK.
IT'S THE BEST PART I'VE
BEEN OFFERED IN TWO YEARS.
- JER, THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT PLUMBING.
- IS THIS TRUE?
- NO WAY, JERRY.
- HE ADMITTED IT. HE
LIED TO GET THE PART.
- I DID NOT.
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA
BELIEVE, HIM OR ME?
- SORRY, ED.
WE WON'T LET HIM
BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE IT FROM
"THE FIRST THING
YOU HAVE TO DO."
- RIGHT.
NOW THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO
IS SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE,
THEN REMOVE THESE CAPS.
- SEE, HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES
WE'RE GOING TO
CONNECT THESE FITTINGS.
- CUT.
- GEE, THAT'S FUNNY.
USUALLY IT'S MY
VOICE SAYING "CUT."
SOMETHING WE CAN
DO FOR YOU, DICK?
- ED, YOU FORGOT TO
PUT IN THE WASHER.
- I THOUGHT WE WERE
PUTTING IN A SINK?
- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HE DIDN'T PUT A
WASHER IN THE FITTING.
- DICK, DICK, THERE'S
SUCH A THING
AS BEING TOO CONSCIENTIOUS.
ARE WE READY?
- EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE TO ME.
- YEAH, HE'S A DREAMBOAT.
- WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
ACTION.
- NOW, TO THESE PIPES WE'LL
CONNECT THESE FITTINGS.
I SHOULD POINT OUT
THAT THIS PROCEDURE
APPLIES TO SINKS AND TO WASHERS.
- THE CORRECT WAY TO FASTEN
THIS IS WITH A CROISSANT WRENCH.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
ASK FOR IT AT THE
HARDWARE STORE.
- AND IF THEY'RE OUT
OF IT, TRY THE BAKERY.
- SHH.
- WELL, THERE'S
NOTHING LEFT TO DO
BUT OPEN THE MAIN VALVE
AND TURN ON YOUR NEW SINK.
HEY, IT WORKS.
- WELL, DICK, THE SKY
ISN'T EXACTLY FALLING.
- SO, DO YOU FEEL
LIKE A PLUMBER?
I KNOW I DO.
- ED, SHUT OFF THE MAIN VALVE.
- OH, THIS THING, RIGHT?
- BUD, GET THE FUSE BOX.
- PLEASE, ONE THING AT A TIME.
I'VE GOT TO GET THE FUSE BOX.
- SO, WE GOT TO DO ANOTHER TAKE?
- NOT WITH YOU, ED.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST
THING ABOUT PLUMBING.
- I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT.
- ED?
- WELL, I'VE USED THE BATHROOM.
I HAD TO DO IT. IT WAS THE PART.
I KNOW THIS DICK LOUDON.
I KNOW HOW HE WALKS.
I KNOW HOW HE EATS BREAKFAST.
I KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
- ED, SHOW US HOW HE EXITS.
- NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I'VE GOT TO DELIVER A
VIDEO TAPE ON TUESDAY
AND WE LOST OUR STAR.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT
TO FIND SOMEBODY.
- BUT WHO?
- WHAT ABOUT GEORGE UTLEY?
- NO, TOO ETHNIC.
- OH, WHAT THE HELL.
- DICK, SWEETHEART.
- YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO SHOOT ME IN THIS.
I HAVE THOSE SHIFTY EYES.
- NOT SHIFTY, BOUNCY.
- WHAT ABOUT MY STAMMER?
- BUILDS SUSPENSE.
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY
THE SENTENCE IS GOING TO GO.
- BUT ONLY OLD LADIES LIKE ME.
- DICK, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT
90% OF ALL RESEARCH IS WRONG.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- C'MON, DICK,
DON'T MAKE US BEG.
- OH, I'D NEVER DO THAT.
ACTUALLY, WHAT I'D REALLY
LIKE YOU TO DO IS SING.
- SING?
- NO.
SING AND DANCE.
(laughing)
- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
- NO SONG AND DANCE, NO VIDEO.
- YOU GUYS KNOW
"FINE AND DANDY"?
- HEY, COUNT ME OUT.
I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE
IN ANYTHING
THIS CHILDISH AND DEMEANING.
- I WAS THINKING, JER,
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE
TO SHOOT THIS AT WPIV.
- TWO, THREE, FOUR.
♪ GEE IT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY ♪
♪ SUGAR CANDY
WHEN I'M WITH YOU ♪
♪ THEN I ONLY SEE
THE SUNNY SIDE ♪
♪ EVEN TROUBLE
HAS ITS FUNNY SIDE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE GONE SUGAR CANDY ♪
♪ I GET SO LONESOME
I GET SO BLUE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE HANDY ♪
♪ IT'S FINE AND DANDY ♪
♪ BUT WHEN YOU'RE
GONE WHAT CAN I DO? ♪
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!