Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Snowmen Cometh - full transcript
The town's snow carnival is in danger because their is no snow. In desperation, they turn to the only men who guaranteed snow for the carnival: Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
(theme music playing)
- HOW DOES IT LOOK OUTSIDE?
- CLEAR BLUE SKIES,
CLOUD IN SIGHT,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
- DAMN IT.
- HONEY, DON'T GET UPSET.
IT CAN TURN MISERABLE LIKE THAT.
- I HOPE SO, DICK.
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING
WITH THOSE CAPS?
- WELL, I'M JUST
FINISHING MY 103RD.
- "SNOW CARNIVAL 1986."
WELL, EITHER IT'LL SNOW
AND THESE WILL
SELL LIKE HOT CAKES
OR YOU WASTED A
MONTH OF YOUR LIFE.
- HEY, DICK, JOANNA.
- HI, HARLEY.
- WELL, IT'S THAT
TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.
READY TO SHOVEL THE
SNOW OUT OF YOUR DRIVEWAY.
- HARLEY, MAYBE YOU NOTICED
ON YOUR WAY UP TO THE HOUSE
THAT YOU HAD TO TRUDGE
THROUGH NOTHING?
- YEAH, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
THE SHOVELING GAME'S
BEEN KIND OF LEAN LATELY.
THANK GOD THE SNOW
CARNIVAL'S COMING UP.
I ALWAYS GET A JOB AS A
TARGET IN THE DUNKING BOOTH.
- HARLEY, YOU WORK
IN THE DUNKING BOOTH
IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER?
- YEAH. ONCE I GET
OVER THE FROSTBITE,
I DEPOSIT A NICE CHUNK
OF CHANGE IN THE BANK.
- HARLEY, IF IT DOESN'T SNOW,
THERE MAY NOT BE A CARNIVAL.
- WHOA.
MOTHER NATURE SURE
IS A TOUGH OLD BROAD.
- HI.
- HI, INNKEEPERS.
WHERE'S MY FAVORITE LODGER?
- STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE.
- OH, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT THE GO-AHEAD TO
PRODUCE MY TV SPECIAL
ON THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
THIS COULD BE MY TICKET OUT OF
SUNDAY AFTERNOON YACKETY-YACK.
NO OFFENSE, DICK.
- HI, MICHAEL.
- WAIT 'TIL YOU HEAR THE
NEWS I'VE GOT FOR STEPH.
GET READY TO "OOH."
- WHAT IS IT?
- STEPHANIE HAS BEEN NAMED
THE OFFICIAL 1986 SNOW
CARNIVAL ICE MAIDEN.
- OOH!
- STEPHANIE, CONGRATULATIONS.
WERE THERE A LOT
OF GIRLS UP FOR THIS?
- THERE WAS NO COMPETITION.
- NOT EVEN CLOSE, HUH?
- NO, THERE WAS
LITERALLY NO COMPETITION.
THEY LEFT THE DECISION
UP TO ME SO I SAID TO MYSELF
IN THIS ENTIRE TOWN WHO'S
MORE DESERVING OF THE TITLE
"ICE MAIDEN" THAN MY STEPH.
- WELL, I'D HAVE TO GO
ALONG WITH YOU ON THAT.
- AW, THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
C'MON, LET'S CELEBRATE
WITH AN EXPENSIVE LUNCH
AND THEN TAKE A
TOUR OF MY KINGDOM.
- DICK, JOANNA, I'VE DESIGNED
THE STRATFORD INN FLOAT
FOR THE PARADE.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE?
- IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SLEIGH.
- I CALL IT THE GIANT SLEIGH.
IT'S GONNA BE BRIGHT
RED WITH SILVER RUNNERS.
I FIGURE THE WHOLE
THING SHOULD COST $350.
- GEORGE, YOU BETTER HOLD OFF.
IF IT DOESN'T SNOW,
BUILDING A SLEIGH
COULD BE JUST AS USELESS
AS WHAT JOANNA'S DOING.
- DICK!
- DON'T WORRY, JOANNA,
IT'S GONNA SNOW.
ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO IT.
THIS MORNING, I SAW RABBITS
SCURRYING INTO THE WOODS.
- THERE, DICK, YOU SEE?
- YEAH, THAT ALWAYS
MEANS A STORM IS COMING.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE ME, GEORGE,
BUT I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT
GETTING MY WEATHER INFORMATION
FROM PRIMATES.
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY
TOWN MEETING TONIGHT.
THEY'RE GONNA DECIDE
WHETHER TO CANCEL THE CARNIVAL.
I THINK WE OUGHT TO
WAIT FOR THE OUTCOME
BEFORE WE BUILD A FLOAT.
- ALL RIGHT, DICK.
BUT IF WE DON'T
GET STARTED SOON,
OUR ENTRY IN THE
PARADE IS GONNA BE THIS.
- LET'S ALL TAKE OUR SEATS
AND START THE MEETING.
- WOW, IS IT PACKED.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY
PEOPLE IN HERE SINCE '61.
- WHAT HAPPENED IN '61?
- THE WHOLE TOWN
CAME DOWN TO SEE
HOW MANY PEOPLE
WE COULD FIT IN HERE.
- NOW, THE REASON I CALLED
THIS EMERGENCY MEETING IS,
WELL, WE'RE FACED
WITH AN EMERGENCY.
FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE'VE
HAD NO SNOW IN FEBRUARY.
WE'VE GOT TO DECIDE WHAT TO
DO ABOUT THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- WELL, CHESTER,
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.
WE'RE ALL SPENDING MONEY
ON SUPPLIES AND PREPARATIONS,
I SAY CALL OFF THE CARNIVAL
NOW AND CUT OUR LOSSES.
(indistinct chatter)
- WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE ME?
THE MONEY I MAKE
DURING THE CARNIVAL
CARRIES MY SOUVENIR SHOP
THROUGH THE REST OF THE YEAR.
- YEAH, AND IF THE SNOW
CARNIVAL'S CANCELED,
A LOT OF US ARE GONNA GO UNDER.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
UNDER EITHER WAY.
- LOOK, THERE'S STILL A
CHANCE IT MIGHT SNOW.
REMEMBER THE WINTER OF '58?
THE WEATHER WAS
JUST THIS PLEASANT,
THEN A BLIZZARD CAME ALONG
AND WIPED OUT HALF THE TOWN.
- YEAH.
- BUT THERE'S NO GUARANTEE
WE'LL LUCK OUT
LIKE THAT THIS YEAR.
HAS ANYBODY HEARD THE
SLIGHTEST REASON OR HOPE
IT'S GONNA SNOW?
- THERE'S THAT THING OF
GEORGE'S ABOUT THE RABBITS.
- HONEY, BIG DEAL.
HE SAW SOME RABBITS
RUNNING INTO THE FOREST.
- RABBITS RAN INTO THE FOREST?
- THAT'S ONE HELL OF A
PIECE OF INFORMATION
TO BE SITTING ON, DICK.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES HERE.
- I GUESS I WAS RIGHT
TO BE OPTIMISTIC.
RABBITS NEVER RUN
INTO THE FOREST
UNLESS A STORM'S COMING.
- UNLESS THEY WERE JUST
RUNNING AWAY FROM THAT DOG.
- THEY WERE RUNNING
AWAY FROM A DOG?
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- GEE, DICK, YOU SHOULD
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT
BEFORE YOU GET
PEOPLE IN AN UPROAR.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES HERE.
- IN THE LIGHT OF THIS RABBIT
THING BEING A CRUEL HOAX,
I THINK THE BEST
THING TO DO IS CANCEL.
(groaning)
- I'M STEPHANIE
VANDERKELLEN, ICE MAIDEN.
AND I'VE HEARD
JUST ABOUT ENOUGH.
NOT ONLY DO I INSIST
THE CARNIVAL CONTINUE,
I DEMAND THAT IT
SNOW, IMMEDIATELY.
- THANK YOU, MISS VANDERKELLEN.
- ICE MAIDEN.
- WELL, WE'VE HEARD BOTH SIDES
AND THE WEATHER SERVICE
HAS PROMISED TO GIVE ME
A DETAILED UPDATE THIS EVENING.
SO WHY DON'T WE RECESS
'TIL 1 O'CLOCK TOMORROW
AND MAKE OUR DECISION THEN?
IN THE MEANTIME, I
DECLARE THAT THIS...
- EXCUSE ME. I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
AND WE CAN SAVE THIS TOWN.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
- WE CAN MAKE IT SNOW.
(indistinct chatter)
WELL, OF COURSE, ONLY
GOD CAN MAKE IT SNOW
BUT SOMETIMES HE
NEEDS A LITTLE GOOSE.
THAT'S WHERE WE COME IN.
OUR FEE IS $1,000.
$2,000 IF YOU WANT IT TO STICK.
(laughing)
DOES THIS LAUGHTER REPRESENT
CRAFTY NEGOTIATING ON YOUR PART?
- NO, LARRY, THIS SEEMS TO BE
THE ONE THING WE ALL AGREE ON.
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.
- FINE.
WE'LL ALL BITE THE
BIG ONE TOGETHER.
C'MON, DARRYL.
IT'S A TOWN WITHOUT PITY.
- HONEY, UNTIL WE KNOW
THERE'S GONNA BE A CARNIVAL,
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
KNITTING THOSE THINGS?
- I CAN'T. KNITTING'S
THE ONLY THING
THAT RELAXES ME
WHEN I'M WORRIED.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
SO WORRIED ABOUT?
- THAT I'VE BEEN A FOOL
TO KNIT ALL THESE THINGS.
I'D BETTER GET MORE WOOL.
- DICK, OZZIE AT THE LUMBER YARD
SAYS WE GOT TO ORDER THE
WOOD FOR THE FLOAT TONIGHT.
- GEORGE...
- OH, C'MON, IT'S NOT
LIKE THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS THE ONLY USE WE'LL
HAVE FOR THE GIANT SLEIGH.
- GEORGE, WHAT ELSE
COULD YOU USE IT FOR?
- WELL, WHAT IF SOME
REALLY BIG PEOPLE CHECK IN?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GEORGE,
I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'VE GOTTEN
ALONG WITHOUT IT THIS LONG.
- DICK, I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
MY ICE MAIDEN WAVE
AND I NEED AN OPINION.
WHICH ONE OF THESE DO YOU THINK
WILL BE MORE LIKELY
TO TURN HEADS?
THIS...
OR THIS...
- THE FIRST.
- I LIKE THE SECOND.
- HI, STEPH, I'M HERE AND
I'M NOT EMPTY-HANDED.
- MY ICE MAIDEN COSTUME.
I'LL RUN UPSTAIRS AND TRY IT ON.
- AND I'LL WAIT HERE AND
PREPARE TO HUBBA-HUBBA.
- EVENING, ALL.
DICK, GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
- GLAD I COULD MAKE WHAT?
- AN EMERGENCY MEETING
OF MY TRUSTED ADVISORS.
- WELL, WELL, A CONFAB
OF THE TOWN BIGGIES.
GLAD I'M HERE.
- DICK, WE'VE GOT TO DECIDE
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE CARNIVAL
IF IT DOESN'T SNOW.
- AH, SO WE'RE HERE TO POW-WOW
OVER WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
VIS-A-VIS THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- I STILL THINK WE
SHOULD CANCEL.
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE
TO ADDRESS JIM'S SUGGESTION.
REAL STUPID.
- MICHAEL, BUTT OUT.
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO
SAVE YOUR TV SPECIAL.
- IF WE COULD JUST FOCUS
ON THE MATTER AT HAND.
THE PURPOSE OF THIS MEETING
IS TO COME UP WITH SUGGESTIONS
TO SAVE THE CARNIVAL.
- WELL, IF WE'RE
SPITBALLING, SNOW OR NOT,
IT'LL STILL BE FEBRUARY, WHY
NOT CALL IT THE "FEB FEST"?
- MICHAEL, PEOPLE
COME HERE FOR SNOW.
THEY COULD GET "FEB" IN JAMAICA.
- HOLD ON, DICK, THIS IS
THE FIRST ALTERNATIVE
ANYONE'S COME UP WITH.
MICHAEL, HOW WOULD
THIS "FEB FEST" GO?
- WELL, EXACTLY LIKE
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
BUT WITH A FEW VARIATIONS.
INSTEAD OF AN ICE
SCULPTURE COMPETITION,
WE'LL HAVE A WET
TEE-SHIRT CONTEST.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
BUT I PREFER CHEESECAKE TO ICE.
AND WE WON'T HAVE TO CHANGE A
THING ABOUT THE DOG SLED RACE,
IT WILL BE MORE OF A CHALLENGE
FOR THOSE PUPS TO
PULL OVER CONCRETE.
SO IS EVERYBODY
READY TO CARNI-VAL?
- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
I THINK YOU'VE MADE IT CLEAR
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY
WE CAN HAVE THIS
CARNIVAL WITHOUT SNOW.
(phone ringing)
- STRATFORD INN. IT'S
THE WEATHER SERVICE.
- EVERYBODY PRAY FOR A BLIZZARD.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
FAIR AND WARMER ALL NEXT WEEK.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
TOMORROW I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE CARNIVAL'S CANCELED
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THE TOWN'S HISTORY.
I'LL BE BRANDED FOREVER
AS THE NO-SNOW MAYOR.
- I'LL HAVE TO KISS MY
TV SPECIAL GOODBYE.
- WHEN THE TOWN HEARS ABOUT
THE CANCELLATION TOMORROW,
THERE'LL BE RIOTING IN
THE STREETS, LYNCH MOBS.
- OH, TAKE IT EASY, CHESTER.
WE'RE MORE OF A TAR
AND FEATHER COMMUNITY.
- C'MON, GUYS, IN A CRISIS,
THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
CAN BE PRETTY
LEVEL-HEADED AND MATURE.
- THE ICE MAIDEN'S HERE.
- WITH ONE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION.
- STEPH, ABOUT
THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- YES, SIR MICHAEL?
- DICK HAS AN UPDATE.
- STEPHANIE, I THINK
THIS IS SOMETHING
MICHAEL SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT.
- WHOA, BOOMERANG.
- WHY ARE MY SUBJECTS
ACTING SO STRANGELY?
- TRAGEDY, STEPH.
THE SNOW CARNIVAL'S
BEEN CANCELED.
- WHAT?
YOU CAN'T CANCEL THE CARNIVAL.
I'VE GOT MY COSTUME.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
MY SPEECH AND MY WAVE.
I DECLARE THE SNOW
CARNIVAL OFFICIALLY OPEN.
- YOU CAN'T BE AN ICE MAIDEN.
THERE'S NO ICE.
- WELL, THERE'S PLENTY
OF IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
CAN'T WE JUST MAKE
A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT
AND SCATTER IT ALL OVER TOWN?
- DICK?
- NO.
- BUT IT ISN'T FAIR.
STUPID, STUPID ACT OF GOD.
Michael: I BETTER GO COMFORT HER
BEFORE SHE DOES SOMETHING
DESTRUCTIVE WITH THAT WAND.
- WELL, CHESTER, I'M NOT
GONNA SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."
A GOOD PORTION OF THE
TOWN WILL DO THAT FOR ME.
- DICK, I'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.
- BUT WE'VE EXHAUSTED
EVERY POSSIBILITY.
- NOT ALL OF THEM.
I COULD HIRE LARRY, DARRYL
AND DARRYL TO MAKE SNOW.
- CHESTER, WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN
AS, THE "NO-SNOW MAYOR"
OR THE "MORON MAYOR"?
- BUT THOSE GUYS
ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
DICK, I WANT YOU
TO TALK TO THEM.
- ME?
- WELL, I'VE GOT TO PREPARE
FOR THE TOWN MEETING
AND THEY SEEM TO LIKE YOU.
BESIDES, I'M AFRAID OF THEM.
- I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO
BUT I THINK IT'S A CRAZY IDEA.
- TELL THEM THE DEADLINE
IS 1 O'CLOCK TOMORROW.
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE SNOW
BEFORE THAT MEETING.
I'LL WRITE YOU OUT A
TOWN'S CHECK FOR $2000.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO GIVE THESE GUYS $2000?
- WELL, I'D LOVE TO
GIVE THEM ONLY $1,000
BUT WE DO WANT IT
TO STICK, DON'T WE?
- HI. HI, GUYS.
CAN I TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOMETHING?
- JUST SO IT'S NOT 18TH
CENTURY INTERIOR DESIGN.
- ACTUALLY, I'M HERE
ON BEHALF OF THE TOWN.
THEY WANT ME TO SPEAK TO
YOU ABOUT MAKING IT SNOW.
- SEEMS LIKE THE LAST
TIME WE SAW THE TOWN,
IT WAS MAKING A
MUNICIPAL MOCKERY OF US.
- WELL, THEY'VE RECONSIDERED.
HERE'S THE TOWN'S
CHECK FOR $2,000.
- WELL, SHOULD WE
DECIDE TO TAKE THIS JOB,
WE'LL OF COURSE, NEED TO
SEE THE TOWN'S DRIVER'S LICENSE
AND ONE OTHER FORM OF ID.
- WELL, GUYS, IT ISN'T LIKE THE
TOWN IS GOING TO SKIP TOWN.
- EVEN SO, FAITH IS
AN IMPORTANT PART
OF OUR SNOW-MAKING PROCESS.
WE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS CHECK
UNTIL WE KNOW THAT YOU,
AS THE TOWN'S REPRESENTATIVE,
HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN US.
DO YOU?
- WELL, UH...
- NO FAITH, NO SNOW.
- ACTUALLY, I HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT IN SOME STRANGE WAY
YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS
WILL DO SOMETHING
AND AT SOME POINT AFTER THAT,
IT WILL SNOW.
- WHOO, THIS GUY'S
GOING TO THE WALL FOR US.
OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.
DARRYL, MAKE A LIST.
WE'LL NEED THE USUAL SUPPLIES:
CANNON BALL, FABRIC SOFTENER,
TWO POUNDS OF VEAL.
- OBVIOUSLY, YOU GUYS
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH, THERE'S THE DEADLINE.
THEY NEED THAT SNOW
BY ONE TOMORROW.
- THAT DOESN'T
GIVE US MUCH TIME.
DARRYL, BETTER ADD TOMATOES.
- WELL, WE GOT A
MOUNTAIN TO ASCEND.
- OH, I SHOULD WARN YOU,
THERE'S ONE LITTLE HITCH TO
THIS SNOW-MAKING PROCESS.
- I KNOW YOU CAN'T
GUARANTEE RESULTS.
- OH, NO, IT'LL SNOW ALL RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THAT ON A
RUSH JOB LIKE THIS,
WE CAN'T PROMISE THAT TWO
SNOWFLAKES WON'T LOOK ALIKE.
- DICK, DO YOU THINK
IT'S GONNA SNOW IN TIME?
- I HATE TO THINK THAT
LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
BOUGHT TWO POUNDS
OF VEAL FOR NOTHING.
- WHEN ARE WE GONNA
START THIS MEETING?
- IT ISN'T SCHEDULED 'TIL
1. THAT'S IN THREE MINUTES.
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
IN THREE MINUTES.
(indistinct chatter)
- JUST TELL US THE
CARNIVAL'S CANCELED
SO WE CAN START PAINTING OUR
"GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" SIGNS.
All Together: YEAH. C'MON.
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO
MOVE THINGS ALONG.
IF THEY COME FOR YOU,
I CAN'T TAKE OUT
MORE THAN SIX OF 'EM.
- I'M NOT SAYING THE MEETING'S
STARTED, JUST LET'S TALK.
- IS THE CARNIVAL CANCELED?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN IT'S ON?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- SOME MAYOR.
CAN'T EVEN SPEAK OUT
OF ONE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.
- I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE OF
STEPS AWAY FROM YOU RIGHT NOW.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- LOOK, FOLKS, IT'S NOT
AS HOPELESS AS YOU THINK.
I'VE HIRED SNOWMAKERS.
- SNOWMAKERS?
- YOU HIRED LARRY,
DARRYL AND DARRYL?
- LET'S TAR AND FEATHER HIM.
- TOLD YOU.
- $2,000 DOWN THE DRAIN.
- WE'VE BEEN SWINDLED.
- WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS
BUT I'VE NEVER KNOWN
THEM TO BE DISHONEST.
- OH, YEAH?
THIS MORNING, THEY
CAME INTO THE BANK
AND CLEARED OUT
ALL OF THEIR MONEY.
- AND THEIR CAFE
IS ALL CLOSED UP.
EVEN THE CASH REGISTER'S GONE.
- WHOO!
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT FRAUD, EMBEZZLEMENT
AND, HA, HA, I LOVE
THIS WORD, BUNKO.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE GAVE LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
'TIL ONE O'CLOCK
TO MAKE IT SNOW.
THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS TO
WAIT UNTIL THE DEADLINE ARRIVES
BEFORE WE PASS JUDGMENT.
(clock strikes one)
- I'LL GO NAB 'EM.
- WELL, THAT'S IT.
I SADLY DECLARE THAT
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS OFFICIALLY CANCELED.
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
THE ONLY HONORABLE
THING FOR ME TO DO IS RESIGN.
All together: YEAH.
- GOOD THING THIS ISN'T JAPAN.
YOU'D HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF.
- GOT 'EM.
THREE MALE CAUCS.
THEY DIDN'T PUT UP
MUCH OF A STRUGGLE.
- WHY SHOULD WE? WE
WAS HEADING HERE ANYWAY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?
- LARRY, THEY THINK THE
SNOWMAKING THING WAS A SWINDLE.
- OH, DEAR.
I GUESS THEY DON'T HAVE
THE FAITH IN US YOU DO.
- GO FIGURE.
- WHY'D YOU WITHDRAW
ALL YOUR FUNDS
FROM THE BANK THIS MORNING?
- WE MOVED IT TO ANOTHER
FINANCIAL INSTITUTION
THAT WAS PAYING
SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER INTEREST
AND GIVING AWAY TOASTERS.
- WHAT ABOUT THIS CASH
REGISTER YOU'RE LUGGING AROUND?
- WE NEEDED IT TO ADD
YOU UP AN ITEMIZED BILL.
- YOU NEVER HEARD
OF A HAND CALCULATOR?
- YOU CAN GET ONE OF THESE
THAT'LL FIT IN YOUR HAND?
- I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING
MORE IF I WERE YOU.
YOU BOYS COULD BE LOOKING
AT THREE TO FIVE YEARS
OF KISSING YOUR HEINIES
THROUGH PLATE GLASS.
Larry: I GUESS WE DESERVE IT.
WE PROMISED YOU SNOW
AND ALL YOU GOT WAS
A SKY FULL OF ZILCH.
DARRYL, ARE YOU SURE YOU
WAS NAKED AND FACING EAST
WHILE YOU WAS JUGGLING
THEM CHIPMUNKS?
IT JUST DON'T FIGURE.
WE COVERED ALL BASES.
- IT'S SNOWING!
(excited chatter)
- BOY, IT'S REALLY COMING DOWN.
- YEAH. AND IT'S STICKING TOO.
- I WITHDRAW MY RESIGNATION
AND DECLARE THE SNOW
CARNIVAL OFFICIALLY ON.
-All Together: YEAH!
(applause)
Larry: HERE'S YOUR CHECK BACK.
- LARRY, YOU EARNED
IT. YOU MADE IT SNOW.
- THE DEADLINE WAS ONE.
WE WAS A MINUTE AND A HALF LATE.
BESIDES, THIS IS
SHODDY WORKMANSHIP.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- AS WE FEARED, TWO
IDENTICAL FLAKES.
- CALLING ALL PERKY BLONDES,
YOUR ESCORT SERVICE IS HERE.
- I'M READY. HOW DO I LOOK?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, STEPH.
- MICHAEL, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
HOW AM I TO BE ADDRESSED?
- FORGIVE ME, YOUR
ROYAL FROSTINESS.
AND THAT OUTFIT IS WORTH
EVERY CENT OF THE $20 A DAY
IT'S COSTING ME TO RENT IT.
THE THING IS, THOUGH...
- YES, MICHAEL?
- THE SNOW CARNIVAL
ENDED THREE WEEKS AGO...
YOUR ROYAL FROSTINESS.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
- HOW DOES IT LOOK OUTSIDE?
- CLEAR BLUE SKIES,
CLOUD IN SIGHT,
IT'S ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
- DAMN IT.
- HONEY, DON'T GET UPSET.
IT CAN TURN MISERABLE LIKE THAT.
- I HOPE SO, DICK.
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING
WITH THOSE CAPS?
- WELL, I'M JUST
FINISHING MY 103RD.
- "SNOW CARNIVAL 1986."
WELL, EITHER IT'LL SNOW
AND THESE WILL
SELL LIKE HOT CAKES
OR YOU WASTED A
MONTH OF YOUR LIFE.
- HEY, DICK, JOANNA.
- HI, HARLEY.
- WELL, IT'S THAT
TIME OF YEAR AGAIN.
READY TO SHOVEL THE
SNOW OUT OF YOUR DRIVEWAY.
- HARLEY, MAYBE YOU NOTICED
ON YOUR WAY UP TO THE HOUSE
THAT YOU HAD TO TRUDGE
THROUGH NOTHING?
- YEAH, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,
THE SHOVELING GAME'S
BEEN KIND OF LEAN LATELY.
THANK GOD THE SNOW
CARNIVAL'S COMING UP.
I ALWAYS GET A JOB AS A
TARGET IN THE DUNKING BOOTH.
- HARLEY, YOU WORK
IN THE DUNKING BOOTH
IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER?
- YEAH. ONCE I GET
OVER THE FROSTBITE,
I DEPOSIT A NICE CHUNK
OF CHANGE IN THE BANK.
- HARLEY, IF IT DOESN'T SNOW,
THERE MAY NOT BE A CARNIVAL.
- WHOA.
MOTHER NATURE SURE
IS A TOUGH OLD BROAD.
- HI.
- HI, INNKEEPERS.
WHERE'S MY FAVORITE LODGER?
- STEPHANIE, MICHAEL'S HERE.
- OH, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT THE GO-AHEAD TO
PRODUCE MY TV SPECIAL
ON THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
THIS COULD BE MY TICKET OUT OF
SUNDAY AFTERNOON YACKETY-YACK.
NO OFFENSE, DICK.
- HI, MICHAEL.
- WAIT 'TIL YOU HEAR THE
NEWS I'VE GOT FOR STEPH.
GET READY TO "OOH."
- WHAT IS IT?
- STEPHANIE HAS BEEN NAMED
THE OFFICIAL 1986 SNOW
CARNIVAL ICE MAIDEN.
- OOH!
- STEPHANIE, CONGRATULATIONS.
WERE THERE A LOT
OF GIRLS UP FOR THIS?
- THERE WAS NO COMPETITION.
- NOT EVEN CLOSE, HUH?
- NO, THERE WAS
LITERALLY NO COMPETITION.
THEY LEFT THE DECISION
UP TO ME SO I SAID TO MYSELF
IN THIS ENTIRE TOWN WHO'S
MORE DESERVING OF THE TITLE
"ICE MAIDEN" THAN MY STEPH.
- WELL, I'D HAVE TO GO
ALONG WITH YOU ON THAT.
- AW, THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
C'MON, LET'S CELEBRATE
WITH AN EXPENSIVE LUNCH
AND THEN TAKE A
TOUR OF MY KINGDOM.
- DICK, JOANNA, I'VE DESIGNED
THE STRATFORD INN FLOAT
FOR THE PARADE.
DO YOU WANT TO SEE?
- IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SLEIGH.
- I CALL IT THE GIANT SLEIGH.
IT'S GONNA BE BRIGHT
RED WITH SILVER RUNNERS.
I FIGURE THE WHOLE
THING SHOULD COST $350.
- GEORGE, YOU BETTER HOLD OFF.
IF IT DOESN'T SNOW,
BUILDING A SLEIGH
COULD BE JUST AS USELESS
AS WHAT JOANNA'S DOING.
- DICK!
- DON'T WORRY, JOANNA,
IT'S GONNA SNOW.
ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO IT.
THIS MORNING, I SAW RABBITS
SCURRYING INTO THE WOODS.
- THERE, DICK, YOU SEE?
- YEAH, THAT ALWAYS
MEANS A STORM IS COMING.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE ME, GEORGE,
BUT I HAVE THIS THING ABOUT
GETTING MY WEATHER INFORMATION
FROM PRIMATES.
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY
TOWN MEETING TONIGHT.
THEY'RE GONNA DECIDE
WHETHER TO CANCEL THE CARNIVAL.
I THINK WE OUGHT TO
WAIT FOR THE OUTCOME
BEFORE WE BUILD A FLOAT.
- ALL RIGHT, DICK.
BUT IF WE DON'T
GET STARTED SOON,
OUR ENTRY IN THE
PARADE IS GONNA BE THIS.
- LET'S ALL TAKE OUR SEATS
AND START THE MEETING.
- WOW, IS IT PACKED.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY
PEOPLE IN HERE SINCE '61.
- WHAT HAPPENED IN '61?
- THE WHOLE TOWN
CAME DOWN TO SEE
HOW MANY PEOPLE
WE COULD FIT IN HERE.
- NOW, THE REASON I CALLED
THIS EMERGENCY MEETING IS,
WELL, WE'RE FACED
WITH AN EMERGENCY.
FOR THE FIRST TIME, WE'VE
HAD NO SNOW IN FEBRUARY.
WE'VE GOT TO DECIDE WHAT TO
DO ABOUT THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- WELL, CHESTER,
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.
WE'RE ALL SPENDING MONEY
ON SUPPLIES AND PREPARATIONS,
I SAY CALL OFF THE CARNIVAL
NOW AND CUT OUR LOSSES.
(indistinct chatter)
- WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE ME?
THE MONEY I MAKE
DURING THE CARNIVAL
CARRIES MY SOUVENIR SHOP
THROUGH THE REST OF THE YEAR.
- YEAH, AND IF THE SNOW
CARNIVAL'S CANCELED,
A LOT OF US ARE GONNA GO UNDER.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO
UNDER EITHER WAY.
- LOOK, THERE'S STILL A
CHANCE IT MIGHT SNOW.
REMEMBER THE WINTER OF '58?
THE WEATHER WAS
JUST THIS PLEASANT,
THEN A BLIZZARD CAME ALONG
AND WIPED OUT HALF THE TOWN.
- YEAH.
- BUT THERE'S NO GUARANTEE
WE'LL LUCK OUT
LIKE THAT THIS YEAR.
HAS ANYBODY HEARD THE
SLIGHTEST REASON OR HOPE
IT'S GONNA SNOW?
- THERE'S THAT THING OF
GEORGE'S ABOUT THE RABBITS.
- HONEY, BIG DEAL.
HE SAW SOME RABBITS
RUNNING INTO THE FOREST.
- RABBITS RAN INTO THE FOREST?
- THAT'S ONE HELL OF A
PIECE OF INFORMATION
TO BE SITTING ON, DICK.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES HERE.
- I GUESS I WAS RIGHT
TO BE OPTIMISTIC.
RABBITS NEVER RUN
INTO THE FOREST
UNLESS A STORM'S COMING.
- UNLESS THEY WERE JUST
RUNNING AWAY FROM THAT DOG.
- THEY WERE RUNNING
AWAY FROM A DOG?
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- GEE, DICK, YOU SHOULD
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT
BEFORE YOU GET
PEOPLE IN AN UPROAR.
- YEAH, YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES HERE.
- IN THE LIGHT OF THIS RABBIT
THING BEING A CRUEL HOAX,
I THINK THE BEST
THING TO DO IS CANCEL.
(groaning)
- I'M STEPHANIE
VANDERKELLEN, ICE MAIDEN.
AND I'VE HEARD
JUST ABOUT ENOUGH.
NOT ONLY DO I INSIST
THE CARNIVAL CONTINUE,
I DEMAND THAT IT
SNOW, IMMEDIATELY.
- THANK YOU, MISS VANDERKELLEN.
- ICE MAIDEN.
- WELL, WE'VE HEARD BOTH SIDES
AND THE WEATHER SERVICE
HAS PROMISED TO GIVE ME
A DETAILED UPDATE THIS EVENING.
SO WHY DON'T WE RECESS
'TIL 1 O'CLOCK TOMORROW
AND MAKE OUR DECISION THEN?
IN THE MEANTIME, I
DECLARE THAT THIS...
- EXCUSE ME. I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
AND WE CAN SAVE THIS TOWN.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
- WE CAN MAKE IT SNOW.
(indistinct chatter)
WELL, OF COURSE, ONLY
GOD CAN MAKE IT SNOW
BUT SOMETIMES HE
NEEDS A LITTLE GOOSE.
THAT'S WHERE WE COME IN.
OUR FEE IS $1,000.
$2,000 IF YOU WANT IT TO STICK.
(laughing)
DOES THIS LAUGHTER REPRESENT
CRAFTY NEGOTIATING ON YOUR PART?
- NO, LARRY, THIS SEEMS TO BE
THE ONE THING WE ALL AGREE ON.
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS.
- FINE.
WE'LL ALL BITE THE
BIG ONE TOGETHER.
C'MON, DARRYL.
IT'S A TOWN WITHOUT PITY.
- HONEY, UNTIL WE KNOW
THERE'S GONNA BE A CARNIVAL,
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
KNITTING THOSE THINGS?
- I CAN'T. KNITTING'S
THE ONLY THING
THAT RELAXES ME
WHEN I'M WORRIED.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
SO WORRIED ABOUT?
- THAT I'VE BEEN A FOOL
TO KNIT ALL THESE THINGS.
I'D BETTER GET MORE WOOL.
- DICK, OZZIE AT THE LUMBER YARD
SAYS WE GOT TO ORDER THE
WOOD FOR THE FLOAT TONIGHT.
- GEORGE...
- OH, C'MON, IT'S NOT
LIKE THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS THE ONLY USE WE'LL
HAVE FOR THE GIANT SLEIGH.
- GEORGE, WHAT ELSE
COULD YOU USE IT FOR?
- WELL, WHAT IF SOME
REALLY BIG PEOPLE CHECK IN?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GEORGE,
I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'VE GOTTEN
ALONG WITHOUT IT THIS LONG.
- DICK, I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
MY ICE MAIDEN WAVE
AND I NEED AN OPINION.
WHICH ONE OF THESE DO YOU THINK
WILL BE MORE LIKELY
TO TURN HEADS?
THIS...
OR THIS...
- THE FIRST.
- I LIKE THE SECOND.
- HI, STEPH, I'M HERE AND
I'M NOT EMPTY-HANDED.
- MY ICE MAIDEN COSTUME.
I'LL RUN UPSTAIRS AND TRY IT ON.
- AND I'LL WAIT HERE AND
PREPARE TO HUBBA-HUBBA.
- EVENING, ALL.
DICK, GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
- GLAD I COULD MAKE WHAT?
- AN EMERGENCY MEETING
OF MY TRUSTED ADVISORS.
- WELL, WELL, A CONFAB
OF THE TOWN BIGGIES.
GLAD I'M HERE.
- DICK, WE'VE GOT TO DECIDE
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE CARNIVAL
IF IT DOESN'T SNOW.
- AH, SO WE'RE HERE TO POW-WOW
OVER WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
VIS-A-VIS THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- I STILL THINK WE
SHOULD CANCEL.
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE
TO ADDRESS JIM'S SUGGESTION.
REAL STUPID.
- MICHAEL, BUTT OUT.
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO
SAVE YOUR TV SPECIAL.
- IF WE COULD JUST FOCUS
ON THE MATTER AT HAND.
THE PURPOSE OF THIS MEETING
IS TO COME UP WITH SUGGESTIONS
TO SAVE THE CARNIVAL.
- WELL, IF WE'RE
SPITBALLING, SNOW OR NOT,
IT'LL STILL BE FEBRUARY, WHY
NOT CALL IT THE "FEB FEST"?
- MICHAEL, PEOPLE
COME HERE FOR SNOW.
THEY COULD GET "FEB" IN JAMAICA.
- HOLD ON, DICK, THIS IS
THE FIRST ALTERNATIVE
ANYONE'S COME UP WITH.
MICHAEL, HOW WOULD
THIS "FEB FEST" GO?
- WELL, EXACTLY LIKE
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
BUT WITH A FEW VARIATIONS.
INSTEAD OF AN ICE
SCULPTURE COMPETITION,
WE'LL HAVE A WET
TEE-SHIRT CONTEST.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
BUT I PREFER CHEESECAKE TO ICE.
AND WE WON'T HAVE TO CHANGE A
THING ABOUT THE DOG SLED RACE,
IT WILL BE MORE OF A CHALLENGE
FOR THOSE PUPS TO
PULL OVER CONCRETE.
SO IS EVERYBODY
READY TO CARNI-VAL?
- THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
I THINK YOU'VE MADE IT CLEAR
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY
WE CAN HAVE THIS
CARNIVAL WITHOUT SNOW.
(phone ringing)
- STRATFORD INN. IT'S
THE WEATHER SERVICE.
- EVERYBODY PRAY FOR A BLIZZARD.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
FAIR AND WARMER ALL NEXT WEEK.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
TOMORROW I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE CARNIVAL'S CANCELED
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THE TOWN'S HISTORY.
I'LL BE BRANDED FOREVER
AS THE NO-SNOW MAYOR.
- I'LL HAVE TO KISS MY
TV SPECIAL GOODBYE.
- WHEN THE TOWN HEARS ABOUT
THE CANCELLATION TOMORROW,
THERE'LL BE RIOTING IN
THE STREETS, LYNCH MOBS.
- OH, TAKE IT EASY, CHESTER.
WE'RE MORE OF A TAR
AND FEATHER COMMUNITY.
- C'MON, GUYS, IN A CRISIS,
THE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN
CAN BE PRETTY
LEVEL-HEADED AND MATURE.
- THE ICE MAIDEN'S HERE.
- WITH ONE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION.
- STEPH, ABOUT
THE SNOW CARNIVAL.
- YES, SIR MICHAEL?
- DICK HAS AN UPDATE.
- STEPHANIE, I THINK
THIS IS SOMETHING
MICHAEL SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT.
- WHOA, BOOMERANG.
- WHY ARE MY SUBJECTS
ACTING SO STRANGELY?
- TRAGEDY, STEPH.
THE SNOW CARNIVAL'S
BEEN CANCELED.
- WHAT?
YOU CAN'T CANCEL THE CARNIVAL.
I'VE GOT MY COSTUME.
I'VE BEEN PRACTICING
MY SPEECH AND MY WAVE.
I DECLARE THE SNOW
CARNIVAL OFFICIALLY OPEN.
- YOU CAN'T BE AN ICE MAIDEN.
THERE'S NO ICE.
- WELL, THERE'S PLENTY
OF IT IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
CAN'T WE JUST MAKE
A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT
AND SCATTER IT ALL OVER TOWN?
- DICK?
- NO.
- BUT IT ISN'T FAIR.
STUPID, STUPID ACT OF GOD.
Michael: I BETTER GO COMFORT HER
BEFORE SHE DOES SOMETHING
DESTRUCTIVE WITH THAT WAND.
- WELL, CHESTER, I'M NOT
GONNA SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."
A GOOD PORTION OF THE
TOWN WILL DO THAT FOR ME.
- DICK, I'VE GOT
TO DO SOMETHING.
- BUT WE'VE EXHAUSTED
EVERY POSSIBILITY.
- NOT ALL OF THEM.
I COULD HIRE LARRY, DARRYL
AND DARRYL TO MAKE SNOW.
- CHESTER, WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN
AS, THE "NO-SNOW MAYOR"
OR THE "MORON MAYOR"?
- BUT THOSE GUYS
ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
DICK, I WANT YOU
TO TALK TO THEM.
- ME?
- WELL, I'VE GOT TO PREPARE
FOR THE TOWN MEETING
AND THEY SEEM TO LIKE YOU.
BESIDES, I'M AFRAID OF THEM.
- I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO
BUT I THINK IT'S A CRAZY IDEA.
- TELL THEM THE DEADLINE
IS 1 O'CLOCK TOMORROW.
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE SNOW
BEFORE THAT MEETING.
I'LL WRITE YOU OUT A
TOWN'S CHECK FOR $2000.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO GIVE THESE GUYS $2000?
- WELL, I'D LOVE TO
GIVE THEM ONLY $1,000
BUT WE DO WANT IT
TO STICK, DON'T WE?
- HI. HI, GUYS.
CAN I TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOMETHING?
- JUST SO IT'S NOT 18TH
CENTURY INTERIOR DESIGN.
- ACTUALLY, I'M HERE
ON BEHALF OF THE TOWN.
THEY WANT ME TO SPEAK TO
YOU ABOUT MAKING IT SNOW.
- SEEMS LIKE THE LAST
TIME WE SAW THE TOWN,
IT WAS MAKING A
MUNICIPAL MOCKERY OF US.
- WELL, THEY'VE RECONSIDERED.
HERE'S THE TOWN'S
CHECK FOR $2,000.
- WELL, SHOULD WE
DECIDE TO TAKE THIS JOB,
WE'LL OF COURSE, NEED TO
SEE THE TOWN'S DRIVER'S LICENSE
AND ONE OTHER FORM OF ID.
- WELL, GUYS, IT ISN'T LIKE THE
TOWN IS GOING TO SKIP TOWN.
- EVEN SO, FAITH IS
AN IMPORTANT PART
OF OUR SNOW-MAKING PROCESS.
WE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS CHECK
UNTIL WE KNOW THAT YOU,
AS THE TOWN'S REPRESENTATIVE,
HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN US.
DO YOU?
- WELL, UH...
- NO FAITH, NO SNOW.
- ACTUALLY, I HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT IN SOME STRANGE WAY
YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS
WILL DO SOMETHING
AND AT SOME POINT AFTER THAT,
IT WILL SNOW.
- WHOO, THIS GUY'S
GOING TO THE WALL FOR US.
OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.
DARRYL, MAKE A LIST.
WE'LL NEED THE USUAL SUPPLIES:
CANNON BALL, FABRIC SOFTENER,
TWO POUNDS OF VEAL.
- OBVIOUSLY, YOU GUYS
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
OH, THERE'S THE DEADLINE.
THEY NEED THAT SNOW
BY ONE TOMORROW.
- THAT DOESN'T
GIVE US MUCH TIME.
DARRYL, BETTER ADD TOMATOES.
- WELL, WE GOT A
MOUNTAIN TO ASCEND.
- OH, I SHOULD WARN YOU,
THERE'S ONE LITTLE HITCH TO
THIS SNOW-MAKING PROCESS.
- I KNOW YOU CAN'T
GUARANTEE RESULTS.
- OH, NO, IT'LL SNOW ALL RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THAT ON A
RUSH JOB LIKE THIS,
WE CAN'T PROMISE THAT TWO
SNOWFLAKES WON'T LOOK ALIKE.
- DICK, DO YOU THINK
IT'S GONNA SNOW IN TIME?
- I HATE TO THINK THAT
LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
BOUGHT TWO POUNDS
OF VEAL FOR NOTHING.
- WHEN ARE WE GONNA
START THIS MEETING?
- IT ISN'T SCHEDULED 'TIL
1. THAT'S IN THREE MINUTES.
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN
IN THREE MINUTES.
(indistinct chatter)
- JUST TELL US THE
CARNIVAL'S CANCELED
SO WE CAN START PAINTING OUR
"GOING OUT OF BUSINESS" SIGNS.
All Together: YEAH. C'MON.
- YOU MIGHT WANT TO
MOVE THINGS ALONG.
IF THEY COME FOR YOU,
I CAN'T TAKE OUT
MORE THAN SIX OF 'EM.
- I'M NOT SAYING THE MEETING'S
STARTED, JUST LET'S TALK.
- IS THE CARNIVAL CANCELED?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN IT'S ON?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- SOME MAYOR.
CAN'T EVEN SPEAK OUT
OF ONE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH.
- I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE OF
STEPS AWAY FROM YOU RIGHT NOW.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
- LOOK, FOLKS, IT'S NOT
AS HOPELESS AS YOU THINK.
I'VE HIRED SNOWMAKERS.
- SNOWMAKERS?
- YOU HIRED LARRY,
DARRYL AND DARRYL?
- LET'S TAR AND FEATHER HIM.
- TOLD YOU.
- $2,000 DOWN THE DRAIN.
- WE'VE BEEN SWINDLED.
- WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS
BUT I'VE NEVER KNOWN
THEM TO BE DISHONEST.
- OH, YEAH?
THIS MORNING, THEY
CAME INTO THE BANK
AND CLEARED OUT
ALL OF THEIR MONEY.
- AND THEIR CAFE
IS ALL CLOSED UP.
EVEN THE CASH REGISTER'S GONE.
- WHOO!
SOUNDS LIKE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT FRAUD, EMBEZZLEMENT
AND, HA, HA, I LOVE
THIS WORD, BUNKO.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE GAVE LARRY, DARRYL AND DARRYL
'TIL ONE O'CLOCK
TO MAKE IT SNOW.
THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS TO
WAIT UNTIL THE DEADLINE ARRIVES
BEFORE WE PASS JUDGMENT.
(clock strikes one)
- I'LL GO NAB 'EM.
- WELL, THAT'S IT.
I SADLY DECLARE THAT
THE SNOW CARNIVAL
IS OFFICIALLY CANCELED.
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
THE ONLY HONORABLE
THING FOR ME TO DO IS RESIGN.
All together: YEAH.
- GOOD THING THIS ISN'T JAPAN.
YOU'D HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF.
- GOT 'EM.
THREE MALE CAUCS.
THEY DIDN'T PUT UP
MUCH OF A STRUGGLE.
- WHY SHOULD WE? WE
WAS HEADING HERE ANYWAY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?
- LARRY, THEY THINK THE
SNOWMAKING THING WAS A SWINDLE.
- OH, DEAR.
I GUESS THEY DON'T HAVE
THE FAITH IN US YOU DO.
- GO FIGURE.
- WHY'D YOU WITHDRAW
ALL YOUR FUNDS
FROM THE BANK THIS MORNING?
- WE MOVED IT TO ANOTHER
FINANCIAL INSTITUTION
THAT WAS PAYING
SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER INTEREST
AND GIVING AWAY TOASTERS.
- WHAT ABOUT THIS CASH
REGISTER YOU'RE LUGGING AROUND?
- WE NEEDED IT TO ADD
YOU UP AN ITEMIZED BILL.
- YOU NEVER HEARD
OF A HAND CALCULATOR?
- YOU CAN GET ONE OF THESE
THAT'LL FIT IN YOUR HAND?
- I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING
MORE IF I WERE YOU.
YOU BOYS COULD BE LOOKING
AT THREE TO FIVE YEARS
OF KISSING YOUR HEINIES
THROUGH PLATE GLASS.
Larry: I GUESS WE DESERVE IT.
WE PROMISED YOU SNOW
AND ALL YOU GOT WAS
A SKY FULL OF ZILCH.
DARRYL, ARE YOU SURE YOU
WAS NAKED AND FACING EAST
WHILE YOU WAS JUGGLING
THEM CHIPMUNKS?
IT JUST DON'T FIGURE.
WE COVERED ALL BASES.
- IT'S SNOWING!
(excited chatter)
- BOY, IT'S REALLY COMING DOWN.
- YEAH. AND IT'S STICKING TOO.
- I WITHDRAW MY RESIGNATION
AND DECLARE THE SNOW
CARNIVAL OFFICIALLY ON.
-All Together: YEAH!
(applause)
Larry: HERE'S YOUR CHECK BACK.
- LARRY, YOU EARNED
IT. YOU MADE IT SNOW.
- THE DEADLINE WAS ONE.
WE WAS A MINUTE AND A HALF LATE.
BESIDES, THIS IS
SHODDY WORKMANSHIP.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- AS WE FEARED, TWO
IDENTICAL FLAKES.
- CALLING ALL PERKY BLONDES,
YOUR ESCORT SERVICE IS HERE.
- I'M READY. HOW DO I LOOK?
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, STEPH.
- MICHAEL, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
HOW AM I TO BE ADDRESSED?
- FORGIVE ME, YOUR
ROYAL FROSTINESS.
AND THAT OUTFIT IS WORTH
EVERY CENT OF THE $20 A DAY
IT'S COSTING ME TO RENT IT.
THE THING IS, THOUGH...
- YES, MICHAEL?
- THE SNOW CARNIVAL
ENDED THREE WEEKS AGO...
YOUR ROYAL FROSTINESS.
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!