Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 16 - I Do, Okay? - full transcript
Dick and Joanna renew their vows - sort of. Stef is Maid of Honor and George is Best Man.
(theme music playing)
- HONEY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THIS?
- HONEY, JUST A SECOND.
I'M RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF DECIDING
WHAT MY NEXT BOOK WILL BE.
- OH, WELL, WHAT
ARE THE CHOICES?
- WELL, IT'S EITHER "YOU AND
YOUR AUTOMOTIVE FLUIDS"
OR "GROUTING WITHOUT POUTING."
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT
OF ALL THOSE UNHAPPY GROUTERS,
SO, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- FIRST, DO YOU LIKE THIS DRESS?
- YEAH.
- SECOND, WHEN I WEAR THIS DRESS
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY NEXT WEEK,
WHERE WILL YOU BE TAKING ME?
- DINNER AND A MOVIE?
- DICK, THAT DOESN'T
SOUND VERY ROMANTIC.
- OH.
HOW ABOUT (with French
accent) DINNER AND A MOVIE?
- HONEY, YOU KNOW I LIKE OUR
ANNIVERSARIES TO BE SPECIAL,
AFTER THE UNROMANTIC
WEDDING WE HAD.
- WHAT WAS WRONG
WITH OUR WEDDING?
IT WAS SHORT, IT WAS
CHEAP, AND IT WAS LEGAL.
- DICK, WE GOT MARRIED
WITH TWO OTHER COUPLES.
- WELL, YOU SAID YOU
WANTED A BIG WEDDING.
- HONEY, WE COULDN'T WAIT
FOR A PRIVATE CEREMONY.
WE HAD A PLANE TO CATCH
OR OTHERWISE WE
WOULD HAVE MISSED OUT
ON THE SUPER SAVER DISCOUNT.
- HEY, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD
DO ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- WHAT, TAKE A CHEAP
FLIGHT SOMEWHERE?
- NO, GET MARRIED.
- HONEY, WE ARE MARRIED.
- NO, I MEAN, WE COULD
RESTATE OUR VOWS.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.
(laughing)
- FOOLISH?
- WELL, NOT FOOLISH,
MORE LIKE SILLY.
- YES, I GUESS IT IS SILLY.
I GOT CHEATED OUT OF A
REAL WEDDING THE FIRST TIME.
I WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT
FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE.
I GUESS TO SOME
PEOPLE, THAT'S SILLY.
- WELL, TO HELL
WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY,
THEN THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
- OH, DICK, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
I'M GONNA BREAK OUT
THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
SO WE CAN TOAST
OUR NEW ENGAGEMENT.
- OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT...
FOR A SILLY OCCASION.
- HONEY, IS THAT YOUR FOOT?
- HOW'S MY FIANCE THIS MORNING?
- FOR ONE THING, HE'D LIKE
HIS SOCKS PULLED BACK UP.
- THANKS.
- GOOD MORNING.
- HI.
- PASS THE SUGAR, CUTE-UMS.
- I THINK THAT'S YOU, DICK.
- OH, RIGHT.
- HI, STEPHANIE.
HONEY, SHOULD WE
TELL THEM THE BIG NEWS?
- I DON'T CARE.
- WE'RE GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.
- OOH!
- GEE, DICK, I'M NOT SURE
BUT I THINK THAT'S BIGAMY.
- YOU KNOW, HONEY, GEORGE
MAY HAVE SOMETHING THERE.
- GEORGE, WE'RE JUST
RESTATING OUR VOWS.
IT'S LIKE A PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.
- WHEN'S THE BIG EVENT?
- NEXT SATURDAY
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- JOANNA, YOU'RE NOT
GIVING YOUR MAID OF HONOR
VERY MUCH NOTICE.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED
YOU TO BE MY MAID OF HONOR?
- I'M ALWAYS MAID OF HONOR.
WELL, NOT ALWAYS.
SOMETIMES THE BRIDE IS AFRAID
THE GROOM WILL CHANGE HIS MIND
AND PROPOSE TO ME.
- DICK, I KNOW I PROBABLY
DON'T DESERVE IT
AND IT'S A LOT TO ASK
AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE
OTHER PEOPLE IN MIND
BUT COULD I BE YOUR BEST MAN?
- WHAT THE HEY.
- DICK.
- HONEY, HONEY, WAIT A SECOND.
LET ME GET THIS DOWN,
OTHERWISE I'LL FORGET IT.
"IF WATER CONTINUES TO LEAK,
YOU HAVE NOT GROUTED PROPERLY."
YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
- I GOT SOME DARLING
WEDDING INVITATIONS
AT PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF
SO I'LL NEED A LIST OF
WHO YOU WANT TO INVITE.
- UH, GEORGE.
- THAT'S ALL?
- AND YOU'RE INVITING STEPHANIE.
- WE CAN'T HAVE A WEDDING
WITH ONLY TWO GUESTS.
- HONEY, I WAS HOPING
TO KEEP THIS THING SMALL.
- THIS THING?
- YEAH, I SAY "THIS THING,"
YOU SAY "THIS PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE."
POTATO, POT-AH-TO.
- WELL, HONEY, I REALLY
WANT TO SHARE THIS OCCASION
WITH OUR FRIENDS.
- WELL, HONEY,
LET'S TRY TO KEEP IT
TO OUR CLOSE INTIMATE FRIENDS.
- WELL, SO FAR, IT'S
JUST GEORGE, STEPHANIE
AND THE PETERSONS.
- THE PETERSONS?
OF PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF?
- WELL, DICK, I KIND
OF HAD TO ASK THEM,
THEY SAW ME BUYING
THE INVITATIONS.
- DID ANYONE ELSE SEE YOU?
- NO.
- AND YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWED?
- WE ALSO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
WHERE TO HAVE THE CEREMONY.
I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED MY
WEDDING IN A BEAUTIFUL CHAPEL.
- I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED
MINE IN THE LOBBY OF AN INN.
- DICK, C'MON. I WANT
TO DO THIS RIGHT.
OH, AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF
WE WROTE OUR OWN VOWS.
- HONEY, I'M WRITING A BOOK.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I CAN WRITE VOWS
WITH MY HEAD FULL OF GROUT.
- DICK, PLEASE, FOR ME?
HOW MANY TIMES AM I
GOING TO GET MARRIED?
- AT THIS RATE?
- HI, BRIDE. HI, GROOM.
(giggling)
- MICHAEL, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
- YOU WERE TOPIC UNO AT
PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.
CONGRATS.
- THANKS, MICHAEL.
- WHOO! NICE CATCH, THERE, DICK.
AND BY THE WAY, GREAT NEWS,
I'M AVAILABLE TO BE
YOUR BEST HOMBRE.
- MICHAEL, THE POSITION OF
BEST HOMBRE IS OCCUPADO.
GEORGE IS GONNA BE MY BEST MAN.
- OH. HOW EXCITING.
- BUT NATURALLY, YOU'RE INVITED
AS ONE OF THE SELECT FEW GUESTS.
- GREAT.
LIKE THE PETERSONS,
PEOPLE WHO SELL
YOU DENTAL FLOSS.
- HI.
I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WE WAS OVER AT
PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF,
LOOKING FOR A BIRTHDAY
GIFT FOR CANDICE BERGEN,
WHEN WE HEARD ABOUT
YOUR IMPENDING NUPTIALS.
SO HERE WE ARE.
WHICH ONE OF US IS
GONNA BE YOUR BEST MAN?
- I'M SORRY, GUYS.
GEORGE IS GOING
TO BE MY BEST MAN.
- WELL, THIS IS A KNEE IN
OUR COLLECTIVE GROINS.
BUT WE WON'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS
BY NOT COMING TO THE WEDDING.
- WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, GUYS,
AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU,
IT WOULD SERVE ME
RIGHT IF YOU DIDN'T COME.
- NO, WE'LL BE THERE.
IF YOU INVITED THE PETERSONS,
YOU MUST BE HAVING
TROUBLE FINDING TAKERS.
- HI, EVERYBODY. HI, DICK.
- HI, CHESTER. HI, JIM.
- WE JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE
YOU ON YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING.
- AND MAKE SURE WE'RE INVITED.
- LISTEN, GUYS...
- OF COURSE WE'RE INVITED.
THEY INVITED THE
PETERSONS, DIDN'T THEY?
- THAT'S TRUE, AND THEY
HARDLY KNOW THE PETERSONS.
I GUESS WE ARE INVITED.
- GOOD. GOOD, THEN, IT'S SET.
DO ME A FAVOR, DON'T
SPREAD THIS AROUND.
I DON'T WANT ANY MORE
PEOPLE AT THE WEDDING
THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.
(knocking on door)
- OH, HI, EVERYBODY.
HI, DICK.
I HEAR YOU'RE PLANNING
TO TIE THE KNOT.
- HARLEY, I HAVE TO DRAW
THE LINE SOMEWHERE.
YOU CAN'T COME TO THE WEDDING.
- OH. OH, NO PROBLEM.
WHEN I HEAR THOSE
WEDDING BELLS TOLL,
I'LL JUST THROW A HANDFUL
OF RICE INTO EMPTY SPACE.
LISTEN, FAR BE IT FROM
ME TO PLAY ON YOUR GUILT
BUT MAYBE THERE'S A
WEDDING-RELATED JOB I CAN DO?
DO YOU NEED A BOUNCER?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL BE PACKING HEAT.
- COULD I PARK CARS?
- HARLEY, I DON'T NEED...
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN PARK CARS.
- GREAT. IT'LL COST YOU A
LITTLE MORE THAN A BOUNCER
BUT IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
- DICK, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE
ARE HERE FROM YOUR TV STATION.
APPARENTLY, THEY
HEARD ABOUT THE WEDDING
FROM THE PETERSONS.
CAN I INVITE THEM?
- WHAT THE HECK, A COUPLE
MORE PEOPLE WON'T MATTER.
(people together) YAYYY!!!
George: SO DICK, DID
YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME
AT THE BEAVER BACHELOR
BASH LAST NIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU CAN BET
THAT WATER PISTOL FIGHT
WILL GO IN MY BOOK OF MEMORIES.
- OH, HONEY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH.
EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN
THAT GIRL THE BEAVERS HIRED
TO JUMP OUT OF THE...
YOU LOOK REAL BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU, GEORGE.
- YOU LOOK NICE TOO, STEPHANIE.
- I HATE THIS STUPID,
STUPID DRESS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE DRESS?
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
- OBVIOUSLY.
BUT YOU NEVER TOLD ME I'D
HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT
AS A BUNCH OF YUCKY BRIDESMAIDS.
- STEPHANIE, THAT'S
HOW IT'S DONE.
PLEASE, JUST TRY TO
LIVE WITH THIS, OKAY?
(sighing)
- WELL, STEPHANIE AND I SHOULD
BE GETTING TO THE CHAPEL.
ARE YOU READY?
- I GUESS SO.
BUT I FEEL LIKE A
BACK-UP SINGER.
- SO, 15 YEARS SHOW?
- YEAH.
NO, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU
KNOW, THEY LOOK GREAT ON YOU.
- THANKS.
AND THANKS FOR
MARRYING ME, BOTH TIMES.
- HONEY, YOU KNOW, THESE
THINGS DON'T COME EASY TO ME
BUT DITTO.
- OH, DICK.
(phone ringing)
I'LL GET IT.
STRATFORD INN.
OH, HI.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WELL, THANKS FOR CALLING.
BYE.
THAT WAS THE PETERSONS.
THEY CAN'T MAKE
IT TO THE WEDDING.
- WHAT?
- WHEN THEY HEARD HOW
MANY PEOPLE WERE COMING,
THEY CHANGED THEIR MINDS.
IT TURNS OUT THEY HATE CROWDS.
- YOU MEAN, THEY'RE
WEASELING OUT?
- WELL, DICK, WHAT DO YOU CARE?
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE FRIENDS.
- WELL, OF COURSE
THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS.
THE MOST INTIMATE THING
THEY EVER SAID TO ME IS
"YOU WANT A BAG FOR THAT?"
BUT YOU WENT AND INVITED
THEM AND THAT'S THE REASON
THAT THE WHOLE TOWN IS
COMING TO THIS STUPID THING.
- STUPID THING?
- ALL RIGHT, STUPID PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.
STUPID POTATO, STUPID POT-AH-TO.
AND NOW THE PEOPLE
RESPONSIBLE ARE THE ONLY ONES
WHO ARE SMART
ENOUGH NOT TO SHOW UP.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ANOTHER SMARTIE.
YOU ARE THE MOST
UNROMANTIC MAN I'VE EVER MET.
AND I WOULDN'T MARRY
YOU A SECOND TIME
IF YOU WERE THE LAST
UNROMANTIC MAN ON EARTH.
(footsteps stamping away)
- WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
(door slamming)
CUTE-UMS?
JOANNA?
JOANNA, C'MON,
LET'S GO GET MARRIED.
Joanna: GIVE ME ONE GOOD
REASON WHY WE SHOULD.
- HOW ABOUT $2,000
THAT WE MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE THROWN IN THE BLENDER.
Joanna: WRONG REASON, DICK.
- HOW ABOUT A ROOM FULL OF
GIFTS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RETURN?
HOW ABOUT THE WHOLE TOWN IS
WAITING TO SEE US GET MARRIED?
HOW ABOUT THOSE CELTICS?
Joanna: WHAT?
- I WAS JUST CHECKING TO
SEE IF YOU WERE STILL THERE.
Joanna: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I WANTED THIS DAY TO BE SPECIAL.
YOU'RE JUST NOT ROMANTIC
ENOUGH, THAT'S ALL.
- MAYBE I WASN'T ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT RESTATING OUR VOWS BUT,
HEY, THIS GUY IS ROMANTIC.
Joanna: YOU NEVER
EVEN PROPOSED TO ME.
- IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE FACT
THAT WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED.
Joanna: SEE!
- HONEY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Joanna: NO.
- PLEASE?
Joanna: ARE YOU
DOWN ON ONE KNEE?
- YEAH.
Joanna: NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- JOANNA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Joanna: WHY?
- WELL, FOR ONE THING
ALL MY SOCKS ARE IN THERE.
Joanna: DICK.
- HONEY, THIS IS THE
GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS.
Joanna: REALLY?
- QUITE A LOT, ACTUALLY.
- YOU SAID YOU WERE ON ONE KNEE!
- I WAS.
Joanna: JUST FORGET IT, DICK.
- I WAS A PICTURE OF
ROMANCE OUT HERE.
HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING?
Joanna: JUST DO WHAT YOU
WANTED TO DO ALL ALONG.
TELL EVERYBODY
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
- YOUR TIMING IS
PERFECT ON THIS.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN
FIND 'EM ALL IN ONE PLACE.
- STEPHANIE, SHOULDN'T ALL YOU
BRIDESMAIDS BE DRESSED ALIKE?
- WHAT ARE WE, TRIPLETS?
- HI, MICHAEL. WELCOME
TO THE WEDDING.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
THAT DICK PICKED ME
TO BE HIS BEST MAN.
- IT'S OKAY, GEORGE, I
DECIDED I DIDN'T WANT THE JOB
WHEN I FOUND OUT ONE
OF THE BEST MAN'S DUTIES
IS TO KISS THE MINISTER
AFTER THE CEREMONY.
- HI, STEPH. NICE DRESS.
- YOU LIKE IT?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
I BOUGHT FROM THE BRIDE
AT THE WEDDING BEFORE THIS.
- HI, HARLEY.
HOW'S THE PARKING CARS GOING?
- OH, WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH FUN,
BUT IT'LL LOOK
GOOD ON MY RESUME.
George: HI, LARRY,
DARRYL, DARRYL.
WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.
I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND THAT DICK...
WELL, AT LEAST
DARRYL'S TALKING TO ME.
- THIS MUST BE WHERE THE BEST
MAN REJECTS ARE PARKING IT?
- MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY,
YOU LOOK LOVELY IN THAT GOWN.
EVEN THOUGH IT REEKS
OF A FORMER OCCUPANT.
- THANK YOU, LARRY.
- OH, HI, BOSS.
YOU WANT ME TO PARK YOUR CAR?
- NO, LEAVE IT BY THE DOOR
WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING.
- HI, DICK. THEY'RE HERE.
(applause)
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
- COULD I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU ALL FOR COMING
BUT THE WEDDING IS OFF.
- IT IS? HOW COME?
- IT'S JOANNA.
SHE WANTED EVERYTHING
TO BE PERFECT
AND THEN, WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE,
SHE SPILT MOUTHWASH
ON HER WEDDING GOWN.
- NO!
- NEVER KNEW
MOUTHWASH TO STAIN, DICK.
- AND GRAPE JUICE.
- A LITTLE COLD WATER AND A
FEW DROPS OF GLYCERIN WILL...
- AND INK AND EPOXY RESINS.
YOU CAN ALL APPRECIATE
HOW THERE'S, YOU KNOW,
NO POINT IN HAVING A
WEDDING WITHOUT A BRIDE.
George: SHE'S HERE!
(cheering)
(applause)
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
- HONEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU.
I KNOW HOW BAD YOU ARE
AT MAKING UP EXCUSES.
- WELL, THAT SHOWS HOW
LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT ME.
- DRESS LOOKS FINE, DICK.
- I THOUGHT YOU
SAID IT WAS A MESS.
- YEAH, HOW DID YOU GET
RID OF THOSE EPOXY RESINS?
- WHAT?
- WILL YOU PLAY THE DAMN MUSIC?
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE
NOT UPSET AT ME ANYMORE?
- KEEP DREAMING.
I'M GOING TO SAY "I DO," AND
THOSE ARE THE LAST WORDS
YOU'LL EVER HEAR OUT OF ME.
- STEPHANIE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN A BRIDAL GOWN?
- I COULD ASK YOU
THE SAME THING.
- FRIENDS, WE ARE GATHERED HERE
BECAUSE DICK AND JOANNA LOUDON
WOULD LIKE TO RENEW
THE WEDDING VOWS
THEY MADE TO EACH
OTHER 15 YEARS AGO TODAY.
THIS IS A JOYOUS OCCASION
FOR THEM AND FOR THOSE OF US
WHO WERE INVITED TO SHARE IN
THIS CELEBRATION OF THEIR LOVE.
AND THEY'RE MAKING
MY JOB EASY TODAY
BECAUSE THEY'VE PREPARED
THEIR OWN WEDDING VOWS.
- REVEREND, I THINK MAYBE
WE'D BETTER USE YOURS.
- OH, WELL...
- UH, GEE, JOANNA, I'D KIND OF
LIKE TO READ WHAT I HAVE HERE.
I WROTE THIS 15 YEARS
AGO FOR OUR FIRST WEDDING
BUT DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES
OF THE CEREMONY
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO READ IT
BUT I THINK THE
SENTIMENTS EXPRESSED HERE
ARE JUST AS APPROPRIATE
TODAY AS THEY WERE IN 1971.
"DEAREST JOANNA, I
PROMISE TO MAKE EVERY DAY
"OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER A LOVE-IN.
"TO NEVER GIVE OFF BAD VIBES,
"NO MATTER WHAT BAG YOU'RE IN.
"NEVER TO LAY
HEAD TRIPS ON YOU."
ACTUALLY, THIS ISN'T AS
TIMELESS AS I REMEMBER.
MAYBE I'LL SKIP THIS
SECTION ON CAMBODIA.
"FINALLY, JOANNA, I PROMISE IF
MY LOVE FOR YOU EVER CHANGES
"THAT IT WILL ONLY MEAN
IT'S GROWN STRONGER,"
AND THAT'S STILL TRUE TODAY.
- OH, DICK.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT
THE KISS COMES LATER.
- WANT A BET?
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
- HONEY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THIS?
- HONEY, JUST A SECOND.
I'M RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF DECIDING
WHAT MY NEXT BOOK WILL BE.
- OH, WELL, WHAT
ARE THE CHOICES?
- WELL, IT'S EITHER "YOU AND
YOUR AUTOMOTIVE FLUIDS"
OR "GROUTING WITHOUT POUTING."
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT
OF ALL THOSE UNHAPPY GROUTERS,
SO, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- FIRST, DO YOU LIKE THIS DRESS?
- YEAH.
- SECOND, WHEN I WEAR THIS DRESS
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY NEXT WEEK,
WHERE WILL YOU BE TAKING ME?
- DINNER AND A MOVIE?
- DICK, THAT DOESN'T
SOUND VERY ROMANTIC.
- OH.
HOW ABOUT (with French
accent) DINNER AND A MOVIE?
- HONEY, YOU KNOW I LIKE OUR
ANNIVERSARIES TO BE SPECIAL,
AFTER THE UNROMANTIC
WEDDING WE HAD.
- WHAT WAS WRONG
WITH OUR WEDDING?
IT WAS SHORT, IT WAS
CHEAP, AND IT WAS LEGAL.
- DICK, WE GOT MARRIED
WITH TWO OTHER COUPLES.
- WELL, YOU SAID YOU
WANTED A BIG WEDDING.
- HONEY, WE COULDN'T WAIT
FOR A PRIVATE CEREMONY.
WE HAD A PLANE TO CATCH
OR OTHERWISE WE
WOULD HAVE MISSED OUT
ON THE SUPER SAVER DISCOUNT.
- HEY, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD
DO ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- WHAT, TAKE A CHEAP
FLIGHT SOMEWHERE?
- NO, GET MARRIED.
- HONEY, WE ARE MARRIED.
- NO, I MEAN, WE COULD
RESTATE OUR VOWS.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NO, I'M NOT.
- WELL, THAT'S FOOLISH.
(laughing)
- FOOLISH?
- WELL, NOT FOOLISH,
MORE LIKE SILLY.
- YES, I GUESS IT IS SILLY.
I GOT CHEATED OUT OF A
REAL WEDDING THE FIRST TIME.
I WANTED TO DO IT RIGHT
FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE.
I GUESS TO SOME
PEOPLE, THAT'S SILLY.
- WELL, TO HELL
WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY,
THEN THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
- OH, DICK, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
I'M GONNA BREAK OUT
THAT BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
SO WE CAN TOAST
OUR NEW ENGAGEMENT.
- OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SAVING THAT...
FOR A SILLY OCCASION.
- HONEY, IS THAT YOUR FOOT?
- HOW'S MY FIANCE THIS MORNING?
- FOR ONE THING, HE'D LIKE
HIS SOCKS PULLED BACK UP.
- THANKS.
- GOOD MORNING.
- HI.
- PASS THE SUGAR, CUTE-UMS.
- I THINK THAT'S YOU, DICK.
- OH, RIGHT.
- HI, STEPHANIE.
HONEY, SHOULD WE
TELL THEM THE BIG NEWS?
- I DON'T CARE.
- WE'RE GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.
- OOH!
- GEE, DICK, I'M NOT SURE
BUT I THINK THAT'S BIGAMY.
- YOU KNOW, HONEY, GEORGE
MAY HAVE SOMETHING THERE.
- GEORGE, WE'RE JUST
RESTATING OUR VOWS.
IT'S LIKE A PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.
- WHEN'S THE BIG EVENT?
- NEXT SATURDAY
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- JOANNA, YOU'RE NOT
GIVING YOUR MAID OF HONOR
VERY MUCH NOTICE.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED
YOU TO BE MY MAID OF HONOR?
- I'M ALWAYS MAID OF HONOR.
WELL, NOT ALWAYS.
SOMETIMES THE BRIDE IS AFRAID
THE GROOM WILL CHANGE HIS MIND
AND PROPOSE TO ME.
- DICK, I KNOW I PROBABLY
DON'T DESERVE IT
AND IT'S A LOT TO ASK
AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE
OTHER PEOPLE IN MIND
BUT COULD I BE YOUR BEST MAN?
- WHAT THE HEY.
- DICK.
- HONEY, HONEY, WAIT A SECOND.
LET ME GET THIS DOWN,
OTHERWISE I'LL FORGET IT.
"IF WATER CONTINUES TO LEAK,
YOU HAVE NOT GROUTED PROPERLY."
YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
- I GOT SOME DARLING
WEDDING INVITATIONS
AT PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF
SO I'LL NEED A LIST OF
WHO YOU WANT TO INVITE.
- UH, GEORGE.
- THAT'S ALL?
- AND YOU'RE INVITING STEPHANIE.
- WE CAN'T HAVE A WEDDING
WITH ONLY TWO GUESTS.
- HONEY, I WAS HOPING
TO KEEP THIS THING SMALL.
- THIS THING?
- YEAH, I SAY "THIS THING,"
YOU SAY "THIS PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE."
POTATO, POT-AH-TO.
- WELL, HONEY, I REALLY
WANT TO SHARE THIS OCCASION
WITH OUR FRIENDS.
- WELL, HONEY,
LET'S TRY TO KEEP IT
TO OUR CLOSE INTIMATE FRIENDS.
- WELL, SO FAR, IT'S
JUST GEORGE, STEPHANIE
AND THE PETERSONS.
- THE PETERSONS?
OF PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF?
- WELL, DICK, I KIND
OF HAD TO ASK THEM,
THEY SAW ME BUYING
THE INVITATIONS.
- DID ANYONE ELSE SEE YOU?
- NO.
- AND YOU WEREN'T FOLLOWED?
- WE ALSO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT
WHERE TO HAVE THE CEREMONY.
I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED MY
WEDDING IN A BEAUTIFUL CHAPEL.
- I'VE ALWAYS PICTURED
MINE IN THE LOBBY OF AN INN.
- DICK, C'MON. I WANT
TO DO THIS RIGHT.
OH, AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF
WE WROTE OUR OWN VOWS.
- HONEY, I'M WRITING A BOOK.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
I CAN WRITE VOWS
WITH MY HEAD FULL OF GROUT.
- DICK, PLEASE, FOR ME?
HOW MANY TIMES AM I
GOING TO GET MARRIED?
- AT THIS RATE?
- HI, BRIDE. HI, GROOM.
(giggling)
- MICHAEL, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
- YOU WERE TOPIC UNO AT
PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.
CONGRATS.
- THANKS, MICHAEL.
- WHOO! NICE CATCH, THERE, DICK.
AND BY THE WAY, GREAT NEWS,
I'M AVAILABLE TO BE
YOUR BEST HOMBRE.
- MICHAEL, THE POSITION OF
BEST HOMBRE IS OCCUPADO.
GEORGE IS GONNA BE MY BEST MAN.
- OH. HOW EXCITING.
- BUT NATURALLY, YOU'RE INVITED
AS ONE OF THE SELECT FEW GUESTS.
- GREAT.
LIKE THE PETERSONS,
PEOPLE WHO SELL
YOU DENTAL FLOSS.
- HI.
I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WE WAS OVER AT
PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF,
LOOKING FOR A BIRTHDAY
GIFT FOR CANDICE BERGEN,
WHEN WE HEARD ABOUT
YOUR IMPENDING NUPTIALS.
SO HERE WE ARE.
WHICH ONE OF US IS
GONNA BE YOUR BEST MAN?
- I'M SORRY, GUYS.
GEORGE IS GOING
TO BE MY BEST MAN.
- WELL, THIS IS A KNEE IN
OUR COLLECTIVE GROINS.
BUT WE WON'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS
BY NOT COMING TO THE WEDDING.
- WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW, GUYS,
AFTER WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU,
IT WOULD SERVE ME
RIGHT IF YOU DIDN'T COME.
- NO, WE'LL BE THERE.
IF YOU INVITED THE PETERSONS,
YOU MUST BE HAVING
TROUBLE FINDING TAKERS.
- HI, EVERYBODY. HI, DICK.
- HI, CHESTER. HI, JIM.
- WE JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE
YOU ON YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING.
- AND MAKE SURE WE'RE INVITED.
- LISTEN, GUYS...
- OF COURSE WE'RE INVITED.
THEY INVITED THE
PETERSONS, DIDN'T THEY?
- THAT'S TRUE, AND THEY
HARDLY KNOW THE PETERSONS.
I GUESS WE ARE INVITED.
- GOOD. GOOD, THEN, IT'S SET.
DO ME A FAVOR, DON'T
SPREAD THIS AROUND.
I DON'T WANT ANY MORE
PEOPLE AT THE WEDDING
THAN WE ALREADY HAVE.
(knocking on door)
- OH, HI, EVERYBODY.
HI, DICK.
I HEAR YOU'RE PLANNING
TO TIE THE KNOT.
- HARLEY, I HAVE TO DRAW
THE LINE SOMEWHERE.
YOU CAN'T COME TO THE WEDDING.
- OH. OH, NO PROBLEM.
WHEN I HEAR THOSE
WEDDING BELLS TOLL,
I'LL JUST THROW A HANDFUL
OF RICE INTO EMPTY SPACE.
LISTEN, FAR BE IT FROM
ME TO PLAY ON YOUR GUILT
BUT MAYBE THERE'S A
WEDDING-RELATED JOB I CAN DO?
DO YOU NEED A BOUNCER?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
I'LL BE PACKING HEAT.
- COULD I PARK CARS?
- HARLEY, I DON'T NEED...
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN PARK CARS.
- GREAT. IT'LL COST YOU A
LITTLE MORE THAN A BOUNCER
BUT IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
- DICK, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE
ARE HERE FROM YOUR TV STATION.
APPARENTLY, THEY
HEARD ABOUT THE WEDDING
FROM THE PETERSONS.
CAN I INVITE THEM?
- WHAT THE HECK, A COUPLE
MORE PEOPLE WON'T MATTER.
(people together) YAYYY!!!
George: SO DICK, DID
YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME
AT THE BEAVER BACHELOR
BASH LAST NIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU CAN BET
THAT WATER PISTOL FIGHT
WILL GO IN MY BOOK OF MEMORIES.
- OH, HONEY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- YEAH.
EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN
THAT GIRL THE BEAVERS HIRED
TO JUMP OUT OF THE...
YOU LOOK REAL BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU, GEORGE.
- YOU LOOK NICE TOO, STEPHANIE.
- I HATE THIS STUPID,
STUPID DRESS.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE DRESS?
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
- OBVIOUSLY.
BUT YOU NEVER TOLD ME I'D
HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT
AS A BUNCH OF YUCKY BRIDESMAIDS.
- STEPHANIE, THAT'S
HOW IT'S DONE.
PLEASE, JUST TRY TO
LIVE WITH THIS, OKAY?
(sighing)
- WELL, STEPHANIE AND I SHOULD
BE GETTING TO THE CHAPEL.
ARE YOU READY?
- I GUESS SO.
BUT I FEEL LIKE A
BACK-UP SINGER.
- SO, 15 YEARS SHOW?
- YEAH.
NO, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU
KNOW, THEY LOOK GREAT ON YOU.
- THANKS.
AND THANKS FOR
MARRYING ME, BOTH TIMES.
- HONEY, YOU KNOW, THESE
THINGS DON'T COME EASY TO ME
BUT DITTO.
- OH, DICK.
(phone ringing)
I'LL GET IT.
STRATFORD INN.
OH, HI.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
WELL, THANKS FOR CALLING.
BYE.
THAT WAS THE PETERSONS.
THEY CAN'T MAKE
IT TO THE WEDDING.
- WHAT?
- WHEN THEY HEARD HOW
MANY PEOPLE WERE COMING,
THEY CHANGED THEIR MINDS.
IT TURNS OUT THEY HATE CROWDS.
- YOU MEAN, THEY'RE
WEASELING OUT?
- WELL, DICK, WHAT DO YOU CARE?
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE FRIENDS.
- WELL, OF COURSE
THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS.
THE MOST INTIMATE THING
THEY EVER SAID TO ME IS
"YOU WANT A BAG FOR THAT?"
BUT YOU WENT AND INVITED
THEM AND THAT'S THE REASON
THAT THE WHOLE TOWN IS
COMING TO THIS STUPID THING.
- STUPID THING?
- ALL RIGHT, STUPID PUBLIC
AFFIRMATION OF OUR LOVE.
STUPID POTATO, STUPID POT-AH-TO.
AND NOW THE PEOPLE
RESPONSIBLE ARE THE ONLY ONES
WHO ARE SMART
ENOUGH NOT TO SHOW UP.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ANOTHER SMARTIE.
YOU ARE THE MOST
UNROMANTIC MAN I'VE EVER MET.
AND I WOULDN'T MARRY
YOU A SECOND TIME
IF YOU WERE THE LAST
UNROMANTIC MAN ON EARTH.
(footsteps stamping away)
- WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.
(door slamming)
CUTE-UMS?
JOANNA?
JOANNA, C'MON,
LET'S GO GET MARRIED.
Joanna: GIVE ME ONE GOOD
REASON WHY WE SHOULD.
- HOW ABOUT $2,000
THAT WE MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE THROWN IN THE BLENDER.
Joanna: WRONG REASON, DICK.
- HOW ABOUT A ROOM FULL OF
GIFTS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RETURN?
HOW ABOUT THE WHOLE TOWN IS
WAITING TO SEE US GET MARRIED?
HOW ABOUT THOSE CELTICS?
Joanna: WHAT?
- I WAS JUST CHECKING TO
SEE IF YOU WERE STILL THERE.
Joanna: DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I WANTED THIS DAY TO BE SPECIAL.
YOU'RE JUST NOT ROMANTIC
ENOUGH, THAT'S ALL.
- MAYBE I WASN'T ENTHUSIASTIC
ABOUT RESTATING OUR VOWS BUT,
HEY, THIS GUY IS ROMANTIC.
Joanna: YOU NEVER
EVEN PROPOSED TO ME.
- IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE FACT
THAT WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED.
Joanna: SEE!
- HONEY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Joanna: NO.
- PLEASE?
Joanna: ARE YOU
DOWN ON ONE KNEE?
- YEAH.
Joanna: NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- JOANNA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Joanna: WHY?
- WELL, FOR ONE THING
ALL MY SOCKS ARE IN THERE.
Joanna: DICK.
- HONEY, THIS IS THE
GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS.
Joanna: REALLY?
- QUITE A LOT, ACTUALLY.
- YOU SAID YOU WERE ON ONE KNEE!
- I WAS.
Joanna: JUST FORGET IT, DICK.
- I WAS A PICTURE OF
ROMANCE OUT HERE.
HONEY, WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING?
Joanna: JUST DO WHAT YOU
WANTED TO DO ALL ALONG.
TELL EVERYBODY
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
- YOUR TIMING IS
PERFECT ON THIS.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE I CAN
FIND 'EM ALL IN ONE PLACE.
- STEPHANIE, SHOULDN'T ALL YOU
BRIDESMAIDS BE DRESSED ALIKE?
- WHAT ARE WE, TRIPLETS?
- HI, MICHAEL. WELCOME
TO THE WEDDING.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
THAT DICK PICKED ME
TO BE HIS BEST MAN.
- IT'S OKAY, GEORGE, I
DECIDED I DIDN'T WANT THE JOB
WHEN I FOUND OUT ONE
OF THE BEST MAN'S DUTIES
IS TO KISS THE MINISTER
AFTER THE CEREMONY.
- HI, STEPH. NICE DRESS.
- YOU LIKE IT?
IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
I BOUGHT FROM THE BRIDE
AT THE WEDDING BEFORE THIS.
- HI, HARLEY.
HOW'S THE PARKING CARS GOING?
- OH, WELL, IT'S NOT MUCH FUN,
BUT IT'LL LOOK
GOOD ON MY RESUME.
George: HI, LARRY,
DARRYL, DARRYL.
WELCOME TO THE WEDDING.
I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND THAT DICK...
WELL, AT LEAST
DARRYL'S TALKING TO ME.
- THIS MUST BE WHERE THE BEST
MAN REJECTS ARE PARKING IT?
- MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY,
YOU LOOK LOVELY IN THAT GOWN.
EVEN THOUGH IT REEKS
OF A FORMER OCCUPANT.
- THANK YOU, LARRY.
- OH, HI, BOSS.
YOU WANT ME TO PARK YOUR CAR?
- NO, LEAVE IT BY THE DOOR
WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING.
- HI, DICK. THEY'RE HERE.
(applause)
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
- COULD I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION PLEASE.
I'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU ALL FOR COMING
BUT THE WEDDING IS OFF.
- IT IS? HOW COME?
- IT'S JOANNA.
SHE WANTED EVERYTHING
TO BE PERFECT
AND THEN, WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW, AT THE LAST MINUTE,
SHE SPILT MOUTHWASH
ON HER WEDDING GOWN.
- NO!
- NEVER KNEW
MOUTHWASH TO STAIN, DICK.
- AND GRAPE JUICE.
- A LITTLE COLD WATER AND A
FEW DROPS OF GLYCERIN WILL...
- AND INK AND EPOXY RESINS.
YOU CAN ALL APPRECIATE
HOW THERE'S, YOU KNOW,
NO POINT IN HAVING A
WEDDING WITHOUT A BRIDE.
George: SHE'S HERE!
(cheering)
(applause)
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
- HONEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS YOU.
I KNOW HOW BAD YOU ARE
AT MAKING UP EXCUSES.
- WELL, THAT SHOWS HOW
LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT ME.
- DRESS LOOKS FINE, DICK.
- I THOUGHT YOU
SAID IT WAS A MESS.
- YEAH, HOW DID YOU GET
RID OF THOSE EPOXY RESINS?
- WHAT?
- WILL YOU PLAY THE DAMN MUSIC?
(organ music: "Here
Comes the Bride")
DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE
NOT UPSET AT ME ANYMORE?
- KEEP DREAMING.
I'M GOING TO SAY "I DO," AND
THOSE ARE THE LAST WORDS
YOU'LL EVER HEAR OUT OF ME.
- STEPHANIE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN A BRIDAL GOWN?
- I COULD ASK YOU
THE SAME THING.
- FRIENDS, WE ARE GATHERED HERE
BECAUSE DICK AND JOANNA LOUDON
WOULD LIKE TO RENEW
THE WEDDING VOWS
THEY MADE TO EACH
OTHER 15 YEARS AGO TODAY.
THIS IS A JOYOUS OCCASION
FOR THEM AND FOR THOSE OF US
WHO WERE INVITED TO SHARE IN
THIS CELEBRATION OF THEIR LOVE.
AND THEY'RE MAKING
MY JOB EASY TODAY
BECAUSE THEY'VE PREPARED
THEIR OWN WEDDING VOWS.
- REVEREND, I THINK MAYBE
WE'D BETTER USE YOURS.
- OH, WELL...
- UH, GEE, JOANNA, I'D KIND OF
LIKE TO READ WHAT I HAVE HERE.
I WROTE THIS 15 YEARS
AGO FOR OUR FIRST WEDDING
BUT DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES
OF THE CEREMONY
I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO READ IT
BUT I THINK THE
SENTIMENTS EXPRESSED HERE
ARE JUST AS APPROPRIATE
TODAY AS THEY WERE IN 1971.
"DEAREST JOANNA, I
PROMISE TO MAKE EVERY DAY
"OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER A LOVE-IN.
"TO NEVER GIVE OFF BAD VIBES,
"NO MATTER WHAT BAG YOU'RE IN.
"NEVER TO LAY
HEAD TRIPS ON YOU."
ACTUALLY, THIS ISN'T AS
TIMELESS AS I REMEMBER.
MAYBE I'LL SKIP THIS
SECTION ON CAMBODIA.
"FINALLY, JOANNA, I PROMISE IF
MY LOVE FOR YOU EVER CHANGES
"THAT IT WILL ONLY MEAN
IT'S GROWN STRONGER,"
AND THAT'S STILL TRUE TODAY.
- OH, DICK.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT
THE KISS COMES LATER.
- WANT A BET?
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!