Newhart (1982–1990): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Stratford Horror Picture Show - full transcript
When the previous owners of the Stratford Inn become jealous of the inns new success, they try to scare everyone into thinking the Inn is haunted in hopes of getting the Loudens to sell the Inn back to them.
(theme music playing)
- STEPHANIE, THIS MAY
BE A CRAZY SUGGESTION
BUT WOULDN'T THAT GO FASTER
IF YOU WATCHED
WHAT YOU WERE DOING?
- DICK, I HARDLY GOT
ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT
AND I'M HIDEOUS.
- STEPHANIE, IF
YOU'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE,
YOU SHOULD TRY TO
GET TO BED ON TIME.
- I DID.
BUT GEORGE'S HAMMERING
KEPT ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT.
- GEE, THAT WASN'T ME.
- IT WASN'T YOU?
OH, THAT'S EERIE.
- STEPHANIE, YOU PROBABLY JUST
DREAMED YOU HEARD HAMMERING.
- NO. THE ONLY
THING I EVER DREAM
IS THAT I'VE JUST WON EVERY
BEAUTY CONTEST IN THE WORLD
AND ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE
ARE FORCED TO BUILD
ME A CASTLE IN FRANCE.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT I
HAVE A COMPLAINT.
WE WERE RUDELY AWAKENED
BY SOME NOISE LAST NIGHT.
- TOLD YOU THERE WAS HAMMERING.
- NO, IT WASN'T HAMMERING.
SOMEONE WAS POUNDING ON OUR DOOR
BUT, WHEN WE OPENED
IT, NO ONE WAS THERE.
(sing-song voice)
- UH-OH, THEY'RE HE-ERE.
- (sing-song voice)
NO, THEY'RE NO-OT.
RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR
DOOR IS A HALL WINDOW
AND I'LL BET THE SHUTTER
CAME LOOSE AGAIN
AND WAS BANGING IN THE WIND.
- DICK, I THINK I
SPEAK FOR ALL OF US
WHEN I SAY "SURE."
(music playing)
- STEPHANIE, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO BED EARLY.
- I DID BUT ANOTHER
GHOSTLY NOISE WOKE ME UP.
SOMETHING WAS
SCRAPING ON THE WALL
THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN A
DEAD ROTTING UNMANICURED HAND.
- STEPHANIE, I'M SURE
WHATEVER YOU HEARD
WAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
- WE'LL SEE.
OFFICER SHIFFLETT IS
UPSTAIRS, LOOKING AROUND NOW.
- YOU CALLED THE POLICE BECAUSE
YOU THOUGHT WE HAD GHOSTS?
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA CALL?
- WELL,
I TRACKED DOWN YOUR APPARITION.
AND IT'S ABOUT TO COME
RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR.
(screaming)
- STEPHANIE, IT'S GEORGE.
- OH, HI, GEORGE.
- I WAS UPSTAIRS
WHEN I HEARD THE
ALLEGED SCRAPING SOUND.
I LOOKED OUT A WINDOW AND
SAW ONE CAUCASIAN HANDYMAN
ON A LADDER.
CASE CLOSED.
- GEORGE, WHAT WERE YOU
DOING, WORKING AT NIGHT?
- WELL, DICK, YOU TOLD ME
TO FIX THAT LOOSE SHUTTER
FIRST THING THIS MORNING.
GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE.
- I'M SORRY WE BROUGHT
YOU OUT HERE FOR NOTHING.
- NO PROBLEM.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
HIT THOSE MEAN STREETS.
IF YOU SEE A GOBLIN, READ
HIM HIS RIGHTS FOR ME.
(laughing)
- SEE, STEPHANIE, THERE'S
ALWAYS A RATIONAL EXPLANATION.
TONIGHT, IT WAS
GEORGE ON A LADDER.
LAST NIGHT, IT WAS
A LOOSE SHUTTER.
- WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.
I CAN FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP.
- ACTUALLY, DICK, THE
SHUTTER WASN'T LOOSE.
- WHAT?
- NO, THAT SHUTTER WAS
NAILED DOWN TIGHT AS A DRUM.
THERE WAS NOTHING OUT THERE
THAT COULD HAVE
CAUSED THAT NOISE.
NOTHING HUMAN, ANYWAY.
- I KNEW THIS YICKY OLD
PLACE WAS HAUNTED.
- STEPHANIE, THIS
INN IS NOT HAUNTED.
- BUT YOU CAN'T BE SURE.
YOU'VE ONLY LIVED
HERE THREE YEARS.
DID YOU EVER ASK THE OLD
OWNERS IF IT WAS HAUNTED?
- NO, DARN IT.
AND THAT'S ONE OF THE FIVE
BASIC REAL ESTATE QUESTIONS.
- GEORGE, YOU'VE LIVED
HERE ALL YOUR LIFE,
IS THERE ANYTHING
STRANGE ABOUT THIS PLACE?
- WELL, THERE'S THAT WITCH
SARAH BURIED IN THE BASEMENT.
- THERE'S A WITCH
BURIED IN THE BASEMENT?
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, IT WAS
NEVER ABSOLUTELY PROVEN
THAT SHE WAS A WITCH.
- THEY JUST HANGED HER IN
1660 TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
- THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE
FILTHY DISGUSTING THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
I HATE DEAD WITCHES.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
- I GUESS WE DIDN'T EXPECT
YOU'D TAKE IT THIS WELL.
- WELL, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY THE
ONE DOING ALL THIS STUFF AT NIGHT.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
WE'D LIKE TO GET
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WE HEARD HEAVY
BREATHING IN OUR CLOSET
AND THEN THE DOOR
SWUNG OPEN, ALL BY ITSELF.
(gasping)
- ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN'T
LETTING YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN AWAY WITH YOU?
(door slams)
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT. THERE'S NO ONE IN THERE.
(music playing)
- DICK, THE TATES ARE HERE.
- HI, I'M NED AND
THIS IS GLORIA.
- HELLO.
- IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU
AND THANKS FOR COMING
ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.
- OH MY, YOU'VE DONE A
WONDERFUL JOB RENOVATING.
- YEAH, YOU EVEN HAVE GUESTS.
WE ALWAYS USED TO
LOSE MONEY ON THE PLACE.
- OH, LOOK, HONEY, THEY'VE
TURNED THIS ROOM INTO A STUDY.
WELL, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.
- WHAT DID YOU USE IT FOR?
- IT WAS MY TAXIDERMY SHOP.
GEE, IT'S GREAT TO SEE
BOOKS ON THOSE SHELVES
INSTEAD OF GLASS EYES.
- SO I GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING
WHY WE ASKED YOU OVER.
LATELY THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME ODD OCCURRENCES.
- NOISES IN THE NIGHT.
DOORS SLAMMING BY THEMSELVES.
- AND SINCE YOU KNOW
THE BUILDING SO WELL,
WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
HAVE A RATIONAL EXPLANATION
AS TO WHAT'S GOING ON.
- WELL, WE DO.
- OH, GREAT.
- THE PLACE IS HAUNTED.
- IT IS?
- WE HOPED IT WOULD
STOP ONCE WE MOVED OUT
BUT I GUESS OLD
SARAH DOESN'T CARE
WHOSE LIFE SHE
MAKES A LIVING HELL.
- WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK SARAH'S RESPONSIBLE?
- SHE'D APPEAR
FROM TIME TO TIME.
ALWAYS IN THE SAME FLOWING
WHITE GOWN THEY HUNG HER IN.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT DAMNED
NOOSE AROUND HER NECK,
SHE WOULD HAVE
BEEN KIND OF CUTE.
- WHY HAVEN'T WE NOTICED
ANYTHING BEFORE THIS?
WHY WOULD SHE
START ACTING UP NOW?
Ned: WELL, WHO KNOWS?
I MEAN, ANY LITTLE
THING COULD SET HER OFF.
I MEAN, SHE WAS
HANGED AS A WITCH.
I DON'T THINK SHE DIED
IN THE BEST OF MOODS.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- NOTHING, GLORIA.
RELAX.
- I CAN'T.
SHE KNOWS I'M
BACK, I CAN FEEL IT.
I'D BETTER WAIT IN THE CAR.
MAYBE WE COULD HAVE
DINNER TOGETHER SOMETIME,
BUT NOT HERE.
- WELL, NOW YOU KNOW
WHY WE HAD TO MOVE OUT.
I FEEL GUILTY AS HELL
SELLING YOU THIS PLACE.
I WISH I COULD
REFUND EVERY PENNY,
EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T
AND THERE'S NO LEGAL WAY
ON EARTH YOU CAN MAKE ME.
- WELL, WE APPRECIATE
YOUR... CONCERN.
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHEN IT COMES TO GHOSTS,
I NEED A LOT OF CONVINCING.
- WELL, I DON'T.
GOOD LUCK.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SARAH.
- DICK, I'M SCARED.
- HONEY,
I'M SURE THE SHELF
IS PROBABLY TILTED.
I'M SURE NED'S EYES ROLLED
OFF HERE ALL THE TIME.
HERE, WATCH.
YOU KNOW, YOU PROBABLY
HAVE TO DO IT JUST RIGHT.
SEE?
(music playing)
Dick: HONEY, IS THIS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?
Joanna: DICK, I DISTINCTLY HEARD
NOISES COMING FROM DOWN HERE.
Dick: WELL, I DIDN'T
HEAR A SINGLE... AGH!
Joanna: WHAT IS IT? A GHOST?
Dick: NOT UNLESS YOU
CAN STUB YOUR TOE ON ONE.
HERE ARE THE LIGHTS.
- WE'RE REALLY SORRY TO BE
CHECKING OUT EARLY LIKE THIS.
WE LIKE THIS PLACE,
WE REALLY DO,
IT'S JUST THAT IT
REEKS WITH EVIL.
- APPARENTLY, OUR GUESTS
AREN'T HAVING ANY TROUBLE
BELIEVING THAT
STRATFORD IS HAUNTED.
THAT WAS THE LAST OF THEM.
AND MAYBE WE
SHOULD BE FOLLOWING.
- HONEY, I'M NOT LEAVING
BECAUSE SOMEBODY REARRANGED
OUR FURNITURE AS A PRANK.
I MEAN, NOTHING
HAS HAPPENED HERE
THAT A MODERATELY IMAGINATIVE
MOVING MAN COULDN'T HAVE DONE.
- HI.
I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
- FELLAS.
- WE HEAR YOU'RE HAVING
SOME ECTOPLASMIC DIFFICULTIES.
- WELL, WE HAVEN'T
BEEN SLIMED YET.
- I THINK ALL YOUR
TROUBLES WOULD BE OVER
IF YOU'D LET US DIG
UP THAT PESKY WITCH.
WE'VE CHOSEN A LOVELY SPOT
FOR HER OVER AT OUR CAFE.
WE FIGURE A CONSTANT OCCUPANT
OF THE LEFT-MOST COUNTER STOOL
WILL STIMULATE BUSINESS.
- WELL, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY
GIVEN THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT
BUT I DON'T THINK SARAH IS
THE REASON FOR OUR PROBLEMS.
- WELL, JUST IN CASE,
PLEASE ACCEPT THIS
COMPLEMENTARY EXORCISM KIT.
- A HOG'S FOOT?
- YOU JUST CIRCLE
IT OVER YOUR HEAD
WHILE STANDING
ON YOUR LEFT FOOT,
RUBBING YOUR TUMMY AND
SAYING, "GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK."
IT WILL NOT ONLY RID YOU OF
ANY PARANORMAL PRANKSTERS,
BUT IT ALSO PROMOTES REGULARITY.
- LARRY, DICK DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN THE SUPERNATURAL.
- OH, I SEE.
WELL, DO YOU MIND IF
WE CHECK YOUR BASEMENT
FOR ANY MALEVOLENT PRESENCE,
JUST TO SATISFY
OUR OWN CURIOSITY?
- GO AHEAD.
- BUT GUYS, LEAVE
THE SHOVELS HERE.
- SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
AN ORDINARY INN RUN BY
MR. AND MRS. APPLE PIE AMERICA,
SUDDENLY HURLED
INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
- STEPHANIE TOLD YOU?
- HEY, STEPH AND I
HAVE NO SECRETS.
WELL, NONE THAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT.
- OH, MICHAEL, LISTEN.
STEPHANIE HAS NOT BEEN
GETTING HER BEAUTY SLEEP
AND SHE THINKS THAT
SHE LOOKS REALLY BAD.
- DON'T WORRY, JOANNA, A FEW
CHOICE WORDS FROM THESE LIPS
WILL HAVE THAT EGO
INFLATED BACK UP TO PRESSURE.
- MICHAEL.
- STEPH, WERE YOU
IN AN ACCIDENT?
- MICHAEL.
- OH, HE'S JUST BEING
HONEST, JOANNA,
I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME.
- FROM THE DEEPEST
REACHES OF EL TICKER.
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
IF I DON'T HUG YOU?
- OF COURSE.
- SO DICK, WHAT'S THE
POOP ON THE SPOOK?
- THERE'S NO POOP AND NO SPOOK.
- MICHAEL, WILL YOU
STAY HERE TONIGHT?
MAYBE WITH YOU AROUND,
I'LL FEEL SAFE ENOUGH
TO GET SOME SLEEP.
- SAY NO MORE.
IF THAT BOOGIE GAL
WANTS MY CUPCAKE,
SHE'LL HAVE TO GET
PAST THIS GHOST BUSTER.
- OH, MICHAEL, WHEN
YOU TALK LIKE THAT,
I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES.
- FOR ME, IT'S THE STOMACH.
- WE RAN EVERY
LITMUS TEST WE KNOW
FOR ANY OTHER WORLDLY PRESENCE
AND WE PRONOUNCE
THIS HOUSE CLEAN.
- THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED.
- BUT PLEASE TAKE THIS
HOG'S HOOF ANYWAY.
IF ONLY TO GIVE US THE FUN
OF HAVING TO GET ANOTHER.
C'MON, DARRYL.
HOLD ON, WE APPEAR
TO BE ONE DARRYL LIGHT.
- WELL, HE MUST STILL BE
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
(typewriter clicks)
IS THAT YOUR TYPEWRITER?
- SURE SOUNDS LIKE IT.
- WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- HONEY, DON'T PANIC AND
TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.
- READ IT.
- "GET OUT OR ELSE."
- THERE WAS NO SIGN OF DARRYL.
YOU KNOW WHEN I SAID
BEFORE THIS HOUSE WAS CLEAN?
I'D LIKE TO EAT MY
WORDS AT THIS TIME.
- DICK, THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M
CALLING THE POLICE.
HELLO, OFFICER SHIFFLETT?
THIS IS DICK LOUDON.
WE HAD A GENUINE
STRANGE OCCURRENCE.
A MAN JUST WENT INTO OUR
BASEMENT AND DISAPPEARED.
WELL, YES, HE COULD HAVE
GONE OUT THE STORM DOOR
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
DARRYL TO WANDER OFF.
- YEAH, IT IS.
- EXCUSE ME, JUST A MOMENT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YEAH, IT IS?
- DARRYL'S BEEN KNOWN
TO TAKE OFF BEFORE
BUT USUALLY IT'S WHEN THE
NEW FERRARIS COME OUT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, A
COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS
HAPPENED THAT WERE MAYBE
NOT THAT STRANGE BUT...
EXCUSE ME?
THANKS.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID, "STAY CALM.
DON'T PANIC," AND "BOO!"
- WELL, DICK, IF THE POLICE
AREN'T GOING TO HELP,
MAYBE WE REALLY SHOULD LEAVE.
- HONEY, I'M NOT GONNA BE
CHASED OUT OF MY OWN HOME.
WE'RE GONNA HANDLE
THIS OURSELVES.
- HOW?
- FIRST, WE'RE GONNA
SEARCH THIS PLACE
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
AND MAKE SURE IT'S EMPTY.
THEN WE'RE GONNA SEAL
EVERY DOOR AND WINDOW.
AND THEN WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS,
I'M GONNA PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL
THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS GHOSTS.
(music playing)
- YOU CAN'T SLEEP EITHER?
ADMIT IT, YOU'RE SCARED
OF THE WITCH, TOO.
- ACTUALLY, I HAVE
THIS CRAZY THEORY
THAT IT'S THIS LIGHT
SHINING IN MY FACE.
- BRIGHT LIGHT
MAKES ME FEEL SAFER.
- WELL, THEN TONIGHT, THIS INN
IS THE SAFEST PLACE ON EARTH.
THE ONLY THING THAT
COULD HAUNT US NOW
IS THE ELECTRIC BILL.
- DICK, HOW CAN YOU
STILL BE SKEPTICAL
AFTER THE WAY
DARRYL DISAPPEARED?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, JOANNA,
HE COULDN'T HAVE
JUST WANDERED OFF.
HE HAD TO BE SUCKED
INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.
- OKAY, I'M ACTING FOOLISH.
MAYBE I'LL BE ABLE
TO GET SOME SLEEP
IF I HAVE SOME WARM MILK.
(creaking noise)
- GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK.
GET, SPOOK.
GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK.
- DICK, I'M AFRAID TO GO...
- AND 100.
THOUGHT I'D STRETCH OUT.
- HOG'S HOOVES
ARE GOOD FOR THAT.
- ALRIGHT, LET'S TRY
TO GET SOME SLEEP.
- OKAY.
OKAY. (sighs)
(door slams)
(gasps)
(knocking on door)
- HI.
WHO ARE YOU AND
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Stephanie: IT'S
STEPHANIE AND MICHAEL.
Michael: AND WE WANT TO COME IN.
- COME IN.
- COULD I STAY WITH YOU TONIGHT?
MICHAEL STINKS AT
MAKING ME FEEL SAFE.
- I'M DOING MY BEST, STEPH.
- MICHAEL, I DON'T SEE HOW
YOU CAN POSSIBLY PROTECT ME
FROM UNDER THE BED.
- THAT'S WHERE
GHOSTS FIRST FORM.
- IF THAT WITCH SHOWS
HER TRANSLUCENT PUSS,
SHE'S DOG MEAT.
(knocking on door)
George: IT'S GEORGE.
- BED'S CLEAR.
- COME IN, GEORGE.
- HI.
I WAS WONDERING IF I
COULD SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.
- OH, GEORGE, ARE YOU
AFRAID TO BE ALONE TOO?
- NO, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE SURE
I DON'T SLEEP THROUGH
ANYTHING SCARY.
- WHY NOT? OUR BED IS...
EVERYBODY'S.
- WITH THIS MANY PEOPLE HERE,
I FEEL LIKE NOTHING
COULD HAPPEN TO US.
- DON'T RULE OUT BEING
CRUSHED TO DEATH.
(banging)
- IT CAME FROM THE CLOSET.
- GEE, BEING AWAKE ISN'T
AS MUCH FUN AS I THOUGHT.
- SHOULDN'T SOMEBODY
CHECK THE CLOSET?
- MICHAEL, I WANT TO
SEE SOME PROTECTING
AND I WANT TO SEE IT NOW!
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SET UP AN
AMBUSH IN THE HALL.
- I'LL CHECK THE CLOSET.
- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A GUY.
- DARRYL?
Joanna: DARRYL.
- DON'T BE FOOLED.
IT MIGHT JUST BE A GHOST
IN THE FORM OF DARRYL.
- SO YOU SEE, THIS OLD PLACE IS
RIDDLED WITH SECRET PASSAGES
LIKE THE ONE IN YOUR CLOSET.
A COMMON FEATURE IN A
REVOLUTIONARY STRUCTURE.
ANYWAY, OUR TALKATIVE
FRIEND HERE WAS USING THEM
TO BANG ON WALLS,
OPEN CLOSET DOORS
AND PUSH BOOKS OFF
SHELVES FROM BEHIND.
PRETTY TAME STUFF BUT I CAN SEE
WHERE A CIVILIAN
COULD FALL FOR IT.
- DARRYL, WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO GO SCARING THESE NICE PEOPLE?
- HE MAINTAINS HE'S INNOCENT.
- WELL, LIAR, LIAR,
PANTS ON FIRE.
C'MON, I'M BOOKING YOU FOR
DISTURBING THE PSYCHIC PEACE.
- OFFICER SHIFFLETT,
I'M SURE DARRYL HAS
LEARNED HIS LESSON
NOW THAT HE REALIZES HOW
SERIOUSLY A PRANK LIKE THIS
CAN AFFECT SOMEONE'S LOOKS.
- AND THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT WE SOLVED OUR PROBLEM
AND I'VE BEEN PROVEN
TOTALLY CORRECT
IN MY REFUSAL TO
BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.
- EXCEPT FOR THE
ODD "GET, SPOOK."
(gasping)
- OH, MY GOD.
IT'S HER.
- THAT DOES IT.
THIS STUPID WITCH HAS PUT
THE LAST LINE ON MY FACE.
Michael: STEPH, WAIT.
STEPH, BE CAREFUL.
STEPH, NO!
- HEY, SHE'S REAL.
AND THIS FABRIC'S CHEAP.
- (gasping) MRS. TATE!
- NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU KNOW THIS APPARITION?
- SHE USED TO OWN THE STRATFORD.
- OKAY, LET'S GO.
- OH, COME ON OUT, NED.
- HI, EVERYBODY.
WELL, THIS IS
EMBARRASSING AS HELL.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
LET THAT FELLA GO.
HE WASN'T HAUNTING YOU.
HE JUST WANDERED INTO A
PASSAGEWAY AND GOT LOST.
- DARRYL, YOU'RE INNOCENT.
THAT'S A LOAD OFF.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
TO BEAR THE SHAME
OF HAVING A WEIRDO
IN THE FAMILY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US?
- WELL, I THINK IT'S PRETTY
OBVIOUS WHY THEY DID IT.
- IT IS?
- THEY HAUNT THE STRATFORD,
WRITE A BESTSELLER,
CASH IN ON THE MOVIE, VIDEO,
CASSETTE AND SOUNDTRACK SALES.
HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I SEEN THIS RUSE?
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WE WERE JEALOUS THE
INN WAS DOING SO WELL.
WE THOUGHT WE COULD SCARE THEM
INTO SELLING IT BACK
TO US FOR A SONG.
- THE RIDICULOUS STORY TRICK
GETS THEM TO SPILL
THEIR GUTS EVERY TIME.
OKAY, LET'S GET ALONG.
C'MON.
C'MON.
- STEPHANIE, YOU'RE A HERO.
- OH, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
CLINT EASTWOOD
WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.
- STEPH, I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
AFTER WHAT YOU JUST
DID, YOU DESERVE A KISS.
- WELL, I'M GLAD
IT'S FINALLY OVER.
- TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO BELIEVING IN GHOSTS.
Michael: YOU KNOW, IF THIS
WERE A HORROR MOVIE,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHEN
SOMETHING REALLY
SUPERNATURAL WOULD HAPPEN.
(music playing)
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!
- STEPHANIE, THIS MAY
BE A CRAZY SUGGESTION
BUT WOULDN'T THAT GO FASTER
IF YOU WATCHED
WHAT YOU WERE DOING?
- DICK, I HARDLY GOT
ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT
AND I'M HIDEOUS.
- STEPHANIE, IF
YOU'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE,
YOU SHOULD TRY TO
GET TO BED ON TIME.
- I DID.
BUT GEORGE'S HAMMERING
KEPT ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT.
- GEE, THAT WASN'T ME.
- IT WASN'T YOU?
OH, THAT'S EERIE.
- STEPHANIE, YOU PROBABLY JUST
DREAMED YOU HEARD HAMMERING.
- NO. THE ONLY
THING I EVER DREAM
IS THAT I'VE JUST WON EVERY
BEAUTY CONTEST IN THE WORLD
AND ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE
ARE FORCED TO BUILD
ME A CASTLE IN FRANCE.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT I
HAVE A COMPLAINT.
WE WERE RUDELY AWAKENED
BY SOME NOISE LAST NIGHT.
- TOLD YOU THERE WAS HAMMERING.
- NO, IT WASN'T HAMMERING.
SOMEONE WAS POUNDING ON OUR DOOR
BUT, WHEN WE OPENED
IT, NO ONE WAS THERE.
(sing-song voice)
- UH-OH, THEY'RE HE-ERE.
- (sing-song voice)
NO, THEY'RE NO-OT.
RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR
DOOR IS A HALL WINDOW
AND I'LL BET THE SHUTTER
CAME LOOSE AGAIN
AND WAS BANGING IN THE WIND.
- DICK, I THINK I
SPEAK FOR ALL OF US
WHEN I SAY "SURE."
(music playing)
- STEPHANIE, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO BED EARLY.
- I DID BUT ANOTHER
GHOSTLY NOISE WOKE ME UP.
SOMETHING WAS
SCRAPING ON THE WALL
THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN A
DEAD ROTTING UNMANICURED HAND.
- STEPHANIE, I'M SURE
WHATEVER YOU HEARD
WAS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
- WE'LL SEE.
OFFICER SHIFFLETT IS
UPSTAIRS, LOOKING AROUND NOW.
- YOU CALLED THE POLICE BECAUSE
YOU THOUGHT WE HAD GHOSTS?
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA CALL?
- WELL,
I TRACKED DOWN YOUR APPARITION.
AND IT'S ABOUT TO COME
RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR.
(screaming)
- STEPHANIE, IT'S GEORGE.
- OH, HI, GEORGE.
- I WAS UPSTAIRS
WHEN I HEARD THE
ALLEGED SCRAPING SOUND.
I LOOKED OUT A WINDOW AND
SAW ONE CAUCASIAN HANDYMAN
ON A LADDER.
CASE CLOSED.
- GEORGE, WHAT WERE YOU
DOING, WORKING AT NIGHT?
- WELL, DICK, YOU TOLD ME
TO FIX THAT LOOSE SHUTTER
FIRST THING THIS MORNING.
GUESS I'M A LITTLE LATE.
- I'M SORRY WE BROUGHT
YOU OUT HERE FOR NOTHING.
- NO PROBLEM.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
HIT THOSE MEAN STREETS.
IF YOU SEE A GOBLIN, READ
HIM HIS RIGHTS FOR ME.
(laughing)
- SEE, STEPHANIE, THERE'S
ALWAYS A RATIONAL EXPLANATION.
TONIGHT, IT WAS
GEORGE ON A LADDER.
LAST NIGHT, IT WAS
A LOOSE SHUTTER.
- WELL, THAT'S A RELIEF.
I CAN FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP.
- ACTUALLY, DICK, THE
SHUTTER WASN'T LOOSE.
- WHAT?
- NO, THAT SHUTTER WAS
NAILED DOWN TIGHT AS A DRUM.
THERE WAS NOTHING OUT THERE
THAT COULD HAVE
CAUSED THAT NOISE.
NOTHING HUMAN, ANYWAY.
- I KNEW THIS YICKY OLD
PLACE WAS HAUNTED.
- STEPHANIE, THIS
INN IS NOT HAUNTED.
- BUT YOU CAN'T BE SURE.
YOU'VE ONLY LIVED
HERE THREE YEARS.
DID YOU EVER ASK THE OLD
OWNERS IF IT WAS HAUNTED?
- NO, DARN IT.
AND THAT'S ONE OF THE FIVE
BASIC REAL ESTATE QUESTIONS.
- GEORGE, YOU'VE LIVED
HERE ALL YOUR LIFE,
IS THERE ANYTHING
STRANGE ABOUT THIS PLACE?
- WELL, THERE'S THAT WITCH
SARAH BURIED IN THE BASEMENT.
- THERE'S A WITCH
BURIED IN THE BASEMENT?
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, IT WAS
NEVER ABSOLUTELY PROVEN
THAT SHE WAS A WITCH.
- THEY JUST HANGED HER IN
1660 TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
- THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE
FILTHY DISGUSTING THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
I HATE DEAD WITCHES.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
- I GUESS WE DIDN'T EXPECT
YOU'D TAKE IT THIS WELL.
- WELL, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY THE
ONE DOING ALL THIS STUFF AT NIGHT.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
WE'D LIKE TO GET
THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WE HEARD HEAVY
BREATHING IN OUR CLOSET
AND THEN THE DOOR
SWUNG OPEN, ALL BY ITSELF.
(gasping)
- ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN'T
LETTING YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN AWAY WITH YOU?
(door slams)
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT. THERE'S NO ONE IN THERE.
(music playing)
- DICK, THE TATES ARE HERE.
- HI, I'M NED AND
THIS IS GLORIA.
- HELLO.
- IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU
AND THANKS FOR COMING
ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.
- OH MY, YOU'VE DONE A
WONDERFUL JOB RENOVATING.
- YEAH, YOU EVEN HAVE GUESTS.
WE ALWAYS USED TO
LOSE MONEY ON THE PLACE.
- OH, LOOK, HONEY, THEY'VE
TURNED THIS ROOM INTO A STUDY.
WELL, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.
- WHAT DID YOU USE IT FOR?
- IT WAS MY TAXIDERMY SHOP.
GEE, IT'S GREAT TO SEE
BOOKS ON THOSE SHELVES
INSTEAD OF GLASS EYES.
- SO I GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING
WHY WE ASKED YOU OVER.
LATELY THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME ODD OCCURRENCES.
- NOISES IN THE NIGHT.
DOORS SLAMMING BY THEMSELVES.
- AND SINCE YOU KNOW
THE BUILDING SO WELL,
WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
HAVE A RATIONAL EXPLANATION
AS TO WHAT'S GOING ON.
- WELL, WE DO.
- OH, GREAT.
- THE PLACE IS HAUNTED.
- IT IS?
- WE HOPED IT WOULD
STOP ONCE WE MOVED OUT
BUT I GUESS OLD
SARAH DOESN'T CARE
WHOSE LIFE SHE
MAKES A LIVING HELL.
- WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK SARAH'S RESPONSIBLE?
- SHE'D APPEAR
FROM TIME TO TIME.
ALWAYS IN THE SAME FLOWING
WHITE GOWN THEY HUNG HER IN.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT DAMNED
NOOSE AROUND HER NECK,
SHE WOULD HAVE
BEEN KIND OF CUTE.
- WHY HAVEN'T WE NOTICED
ANYTHING BEFORE THIS?
WHY WOULD SHE
START ACTING UP NOW?
Ned: WELL, WHO KNOWS?
I MEAN, ANY LITTLE
THING COULD SET HER OFF.
I MEAN, SHE WAS
HANGED AS A WITCH.
I DON'T THINK SHE DIED
IN THE BEST OF MOODS.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- NOTHING, GLORIA.
RELAX.
- I CAN'T.
SHE KNOWS I'M
BACK, I CAN FEEL IT.
I'D BETTER WAIT IN THE CAR.
MAYBE WE COULD HAVE
DINNER TOGETHER SOMETIME,
BUT NOT HERE.
- WELL, NOW YOU KNOW
WHY WE HAD TO MOVE OUT.
I FEEL GUILTY AS HELL
SELLING YOU THIS PLACE.
I WISH I COULD
REFUND EVERY PENNY,
EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T
AND THERE'S NO LEGAL WAY
ON EARTH YOU CAN MAKE ME.
- WELL, WE APPRECIATE
YOUR... CONCERN.
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHEN IT COMES TO GHOSTS,
I NEED A LOT OF CONVINCING.
- WELL, I DON'T.
GOOD LUCK.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SARAH.
- DICK, I'M SCARED.
- HONEY,
I'M SURE THE SHELF
IS PROBABLY TILTED.
I'M SURE NED'S EYES ROLLED
OFF HERE ALL THE TIME.
HERE, WATCH.
YOU KNOW, YOU PROBABLY
HAVE TO DO IT JUST RIGHT.
SEE?
(music playing)
Dick: HONEY, IS THIS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?
Joanna: DICK, I DISTINCTLY HEARD
NOISES COMING FROM DOWN HERE.
Dick: WELL, I DIDN'T
HEAR A SINGLE... AGH!
Joanna: WHAT IS IT? A GHOST?
Dick: NOT UNLESS YOU
CAN STUB YOUR TOE ON ONE.
HERE ARE THE LIGHTS.
- WE'RE REALLY SORRY TO BE
CHECKING OUT EARLY LIKE THIS.
WE LIKE THIS PLACE,
WE REALLY DO,
IT'S JUST THAT IT
REEKS WITH EVIL.
- APPARENTLY, OUR GUESTS
AREN'T HAVING ANY TROUBLE
BELIEVING THAT
STRATFORD IS HAUNTED.
THAT WAS THE LAST OF THEM.
AND MAYBE WE
SHOULD BE FOLLOWING.
- HONEY, I'M NOT LEAVING
BECAUSE SOMEBODY REARRANGED
OUR FURNITURE AS A PRANK.
I MEAN, NOTHING
HAS HAPPENED HERE
THAT A MODERATELY IMAGINATIVE
MOVING MAN COULDN'T HAVE DONE.
- HI.
I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
- FELLAS.
- WE HEAR YOU'RE HAVING
SOME ECTOPLASMIC DIFFICULTIES.
- WELL, WE HAVEN'T
BEEN SLIMED YET.
- I THINK ALL YOUR
TROUBLES WOULD BE OVER
IF YOU'D LET US DIG
UP THAT PESKY WITCH.
WE'VE CHOSEN A LOVELY SPOT
FOR HER OVER AT OUR CAFE.
WE FIGURE A CONSTANT OCCUPANT
OF THE LEFT-MOST COUNTER STOOL
WILL STIMULATE BUSINESS.
- WELL, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY
GIVEN THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT
BUT I DON'T THINK SARAH IS
THE REASON FOR OUR PROBLEMS.
- WELL, JUST IN CASE,
PLEASE ACCEPT THIS
COMPLEMENTARY EXORCISM KIT.
- A HOG'S FOOT?
- YOU JUST CIRCLE
IT OVER YOUR HEAD
WHILE STANDING
ON YOUR LEFT FOOT,
RUBBING YOUR TUMMY AND
SAYING, "GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK."
IT WILL NOT ONLY RID YOU OF
ANY PARANORMAL PRANKSTERS,
BUT IT ALSO PROMOTES REGULARITY.
- LARRY, DICK DOESN'T
BELIEVE IN THE SUPERNATURAL.
- OH, I SEE.
WELL, DO YOU MIND IF
WE CHECK YOUR BASEMENT
FOR ANY MALEVOLENT PRESENCE,
JUST TO SATISFY
OUR OWN CURIOSITY?
- GO AHEAD.
- BUT GUYS, LEAVE
THE SHOVELS HERE.
- SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
AN ORDINARY INN RUN BY
MR. AND MRS. APPLE PIE AMERICA,
SUDDENLY HURLED
INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
- STEPHANIE TOLD YOU?
- HEY, STEPH AND I
HAVE NO SECRETS.
WELL, NONE THAT SHE KNOWS ABOUT.
- OH, MICHAEL, LISTEN.
STEPHANIE HAS NOT BEEN
GETTING HER BEAUTY SLEEP
AND SHE THINKS THAT
SHE LOOKS REALLY BAD.
- DON'T WORRY, JOANNA, A FEW
CHOICE WORDS FROM THESE LIPS
WILL HAVE THAT EGO
INFLATED BACK UP TO PRESSURE.
- MICHAEL.
- STEPH, WERE YOU
IN AN ACCIDENT?
- MICHAEL.
- OH, HE'S JUST BEING
HONEST, JOANNA,
I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME.
- FROM THE DEEPEST
REACHES OF EL TICKER.
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
IF I DON'T HUG YOU?
- OF COURSE.
- SO DICK, WHAT'S THE
POOP ON THE SPOOK?
- THERE'S NO POOP AND NO SPOOK.
- MICHAEL, WILL YOU
STAY HERE TONIGHT?
MAYBE WITH YOU AROUND,
I'LL FEEL SAFE ENOUGH
TO GET SOME SLEEP.
- SAY NO MORE.
IF THAT BOOGIE GAL
WANTS MY CUPCAKE,
SHE'LL HAVE TO GET
PAST THIS GHOST BUSTER.
- OH, MICHAEL, WHEN
YOU TALK LIKE THAT,
I GET WEAK IN THE KNEES.
- FOR ME, IT'S THE STOMACH.
- WE RAN EVERY
LITMUS TEST WE KNOW
FOR ANY OTHER WORLDLY PRESENCE
AND WE PRONOUNCE
THIS HOUSE CLEAN.
- THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED.
- BUT PLEASE TAKE THIS
HOG'S HOOF ANYWAY.
IF ONLY TO GIVE US THE FUN
OF HAVING TO GET ANOTHER.
C'MON, DARRYL.
HOLD ON, WE APPEAR
TO BE ONE DARRYL LIGHT.
- WELL, HE MUST STILL BE
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
(typewriter clicks)
IS THAT YOUR TYPEWRITER?
- SURE SOUNDS LIKE IT.
- WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- HONEY, DON'T PANIC AND
TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY.
- READ IT.
- "GET OUT OR ELSE."
- THERE WAS NO SIGN OF DARRYL.
YOU KNOW WHEN I SAID
BEFORE THIS HOUSE WAS CLEAN?
I'D LIKE TO EAT MY
WORDS AT THIS TIME.
- DICK, THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M
CALLING THE POLICE.
HELLO, OFFICER SHIFFLETT?
THIS IS DICK LOUDON.
WE HAD A GENUINE
STRANGE OCCURRENCE.
A MAN JUST WENT INTO OUR
BASEMENT AND DISAPPEARED.
WELL, YES, HE COULD HAVE
GONE OUT THE STORM DOOR
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
DARRYL TO WANDER OFF.
- YEAH, IT IS.
- EXCUSE ME, JUST A MOMENT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YEAH, IT IS?
- DARRYL'S BEEN KNOWN
TO TAKE OFF BEFORE
BUT USUALLY IT'S WHEN THE
NEW FERRARIS COME OUT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, A
COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS
HAPPENED THAT WERE MAYBE
NOT THAT STRANGE BUT...
EXCUSE ME?
THANKS.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID, "STAY CALM.
DON'T PANIC," AND "BOO!"
- WELL, DICK, IF THE POLICE
AREN'T GOING TO HELP,
MAYBE WE REALLY SHOULD LEAVE.
- HONEY, I'M NOT GONNA BE
CHASED OUT OF MY OWN HOME.
WE'RE GONNA HANDLE
THIS OURSELVES.
- HOW?
- FIRST, WE'RE GONNA
SEARCH THIS PLACE
FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
AND MAKE SURE IT'S EMPTY.
THEN WE'RE GONNA SEAL
EVERY DOOR AND WINDOW.
AND THEN WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS,
I'M GONNA PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL
THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS GHOSTS.
(music playing)
- YOU CAN'T SLEEP EITHER?
ADMIT IT, YOU'RE SCARED
OF THE WITCH, TOO.
- ACTUALLY, I HAVE
THIS CRAZY THEORY
THAT IT'S THIS LIGHT
SHINING IN MY FACE.
- BRIGHT LIGHT
MAKES ME FEEL SAFER.
- WELL, THEN TONIGHT, THIS INN
IS THE SAFEST PLACE ON EARTH.
THE ONLY THING THAT
COULD HAUNT US NOW
IS THE ELECTRIC BILL.
- DICK, HOW CAN YOU
STILL BE SKEPTICAL
AFTER THE WAY
DARRYL DISAPPEARED?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, JOANNA,
HE COULDN'T HAVE
JUST WANDERED OFF.
HE HAD TO BE SUCKED
INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.
- OKAY, I'M ACTING FOOLISH.
MAYBE I'LL BE ABLE
TO GET SOME SLEEP
IF I HAVE SOME WARM MILK.
(creaking noise)
- GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK.
GET, SPOOK.
GET, SPOOK. GET, SPOOK.
- DICK, I'M AFRAID TO GO...
- AND 100.
THOUGHT I'D STRETCH OUT.
- HOG'S HOOVES
ARE GOOD FOR THAT.
- ALRIGHT, LET'S TRY
TO GET SOME SLEEP.
- OKAY.
OKAY. (sighs)
(door slams)
(gasps)
(knocking on door)
- HI.
WHO ARE YOU AND
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Stephanie: IT'S
STEPHANIE AND MICHAEL.
Michael: AND WE WANT TO COME IN.
- COME IN.
- COULD I STAY WITH YOU TONIGHT?
MICHAEL STINKS AT
MAKING ME FEEL SAFE.
- I'M DOING MY BEST, STEPH.
- MICHAEL, I DON'T SEE HOW
YOU CAN POSSIBLY PROTECT ME
FROM UNDER THE BED.
- THAT'S WHERE
GHOSTS FIRST FORM.
- IF THAT WITCH SHOWS
HER TRANSLUCENT PUSS,
SHE'S DOG MEAT.
(knocking on door)
George: IT'S GEORGE.
- BED'S CLEAR.
- COME IN, GEORGE.
- HI.
I WAS WONDERING IF I
COULD SPEND THE NIGHT HERE.
- OH, GEORGE, ARE YOU
AFRAID TO BE ALONE TOO?
- NO, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE SURE
I DON'T SLEEP THROUGH
ANYTHING SCARY.
- WHY NOT? OUR BED IS...
EVERYBODY'S.
- WITH THIS MANY PEOPLE HERE,
I FEEL LIKE NOTHING
COULD HAPPEN TO US.
- DON'T RULE OUT BEING
CRUSHED TO DEATH.
(banging)
- IT CAME FROM THE CLOSET.
- GEE, BEING AWAKE ISN'T
AS MUCH FUN AS I THOUGHT.
- SHOULDN'T SOMEBODY
CHECK THE CLOSET?
- MICHAEL, I WANT TO
SEE SOME PROTECTING
AND I WANT TO SEE IT NOW!
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SET UP AN
AMBUSH IN THE HALL.
- I'LL CHECK THE CLOSET.
- WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A GUY.
- DARRYL?
Joanna: DARRYL.
- DON'T BE FOOLED.
IT MIGHT JUST BE A GHOST
IN THE FORM OF DARRYL.
- SO YOU SEE, THIS OLD PLACE IS
RIDDLED WITH SECRET PASSAGES
LIKE THE ONE IN YOUR CLOSET.
A COMMON FEATURE IN A
REVOLUTIONARY STRUCTURE.
ANYWAY, OUR TALKATIVE
FRIEND HERE WAS USING THEM
TO BANG ON WALLS,
OPEN CLOSET DOORS
AND PUSH BOOKS OFF
SHELVES FROM BEHIND.
PRETTY TAME STUFF BUT I CAN SEE
WHERE A CIVILIAN
COULD FALL FOR IT.
- DARRYL, WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO GO SCARING THESE NICE PEOPLE?
- HE MAINTAINS HE'S INNOCENT.
- WELL, LIAR, LIAR,
PANTS ON FIRE.
C'MON, I'M BOOKING YOU FOR
DISTURBING THE PSYCHIC PEACE.
- OFFICER SHIFFLETT,
I'M SURE DARRYL HAS
LEARNED HIS LESSON
NOW THAT HE REALIZES HOW
SERIOUSLY A PRANK LIKE THIS
CAN AFFECT SOMEONE'S LOOKS.
- AND THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT WE SOLVED OUR PROBLEM
AND I'VE BEEN PROVEN
TOTALLY CORRECT
IN MY REFUSAL TO
BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.
- EXCEPT FOR THE
ODD "GET, SPOOK."
(gasping)
- OH, MY GOD.
IT'S HER.
- THAT DOES IT.
THIS STUPID WITCH HAS PUT
THE LAST LINE ON MY FACE.
Michael: STEPH, WAIT.
STEPH, BE CAREFUL.
STEPH, NO!
- HEY, SHE'S REAL.
AND THIS FABRIC'S CHEAP.
- (gasping) MRS. TATE!
- NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- YOU KNOW THIS APPARITION?
- SHE USED TO OWN THE STRATFORD.
- OKAY, LET'S GO.
- OH, COME ON OUT, NED.
- HI, EVERYBODY.
WELL, THIS IS
EMBARRASSING AS HELL.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
LET THAT FELLA GO.
HE WASN'T HAUNTING YOU.
HE JUST WANDERED INTO A
PASSAGEWAY AND GOT LOST.
- DARRYL, YOU'RE INNOCENT.
THAT'S A LOAD OFF.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
TO BEAR THE SHAME
OF HAVING A WEIRDO
IN THE FAMILY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US?
- WELL, I THINK IT'S PRETTY
OBVIOUS WHY THEY DID IT.
- IT IS?
- THEY HAUNT THE STRATFORD,
WRITE A BESTSELLER,
CASH IN ON THE MOVIE, VIDEO,
CASSETTE AND SOUNDTRACK SALES.
HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I SEEN THIS RUSE?
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
WE WERE JEALOUS THE
INN WAS DOING SO WELL.
WE THOUGHT WE COULD SCARE THEM
INTO SELLING IT BACK
TO US FOR A SONG.
- THE RIDICULOUS STORY TRICK
GETS THEM TO SPILL
THEIR GUTS EVERY TIME.
OKAY, LET'S GET ALONG.
C'MON.
C'MON.
- STEPHANIE, YOU'RE A HERO.
- OH, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
CLINT EASTWOOD
WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.
- STEPH, I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
AFTER WHAT YOU JUST
DID, YOU DESERVE A KISS.
- WELL, I'M GLAD
IT'S FINALLY OVER.
- TO THINK I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO BELIEVING IN GHOSTS.
Michael: YOU KNOW, IF THIS
WERE A HORROR MOVIE,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHEN
SOMETHING REALLY
SUPERNATURAL WOULD HAPPEN.
(music playing)
(theme music playing)
- MEOW!