Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Fan - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- COME IN.

GOOD SHOW, DICK. A
SMASH. TOTALLY PRIMO.

I THOUGHT SO.

LET'S NOT SCHEDULE
ANOTHER NAVAL HISTORIAN

ANYTIME SOON, SHALL WE?

YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM? THE
WAY HE TOLD THOSE STORIES,

YOU COULD PRACTICALLY
SMELL THE SEA-SPRAY.

DICK, THE TROUBLE WITH
HISTORY IS IT'S YESTERDAY'S NEWS.

NO SUSPENSE.

NEXT WEEK, WE HAVE A GUY
WHO PICKS UP RADIO SIGNALS



WITH HIS TEETH.

NO, WE DON'T. WE
HAVE THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

DIDN'T I MEMO YOU ON THAT?

MICHAEL, YOU'VE BEEN
PROMISING TO GET HIM FOR ME.

DICK, DICK, DICK,
HE HAS GRAY HAIR.

THIS WEEK'S GUEST HAD GRAY HAIR.

WE NEVER BOOK THOSE
TWO WEEKS IN A ROW.

TV TABOO.

I DON'T WANT A HUMAN RADIO.

I WANT THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT,

- AND THAT'S FINAL.
- WELL, DICK,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANT, WE'LL SEE.

OH, BY THE WAY, THERE'S SOMEONE
HERE WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU.



NOT UNTIL WE FINISH THIS.

SHE'S WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE.
SHE SEEMS TO BE A FAN.

SHE THINKS YOU'RE TOM TERRIFIC.

UH, REALLY?

COME ON IN, HE'S THRILLED.

HELLO!

TRACY, DICK.

DICK, TRACY.

TRACY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, MR. LOUDON, IN THE FLESH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.

WELL, NEITHER CAN I.

I'VE WANTED TO MEET YOU
EVER SINCE I CAME HERE

WITH MY COLLEGE MEDIA CLASS.

AND SAW YOU INTERVIEW
THE NOBEL PRIZE LOSERS.

IT WAS LIKE... YOU
WERE SPEAKING TO ME.

YOU EVER CATCH DICK'S
INTERVIEW WITH THE GUY

WHO'S BEEN HIT BY
LIGHTNING 14 TIMES?

PURE BRILLIANCE.

BUT... I GUESS YOU
HEAR THAT ALL THE TIME.

WELL, NOT... NOT ALL THE TIME.

ONCE OR TWICE.

ACTUALLY, ONCE.

GOD, YOU'RE JUST
SO DOWN TO EARTH.

I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE,
THIS BIG CELEBRITY,

AND YOU SEE YOURSELF
AS A REGULAR PERSON.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I... I GOTTA BE ME.

WELL, I SHOULDN'T TAKE
UP ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME.

WELL, LISTEN, IF YOU WANT

TO COME BACK SOMEDAY
AND SIT IN THE BOOTH?

MAYBE BRING ONE OF YOUR
FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL?

OH, I'D LOVE TO.

BUT I WOULDN'T BRING ANYBODY.

I MEAN, ALL OF THE
KIDS AT SCHOOL ARE SO...

SO, YOU KNOW, LIKE, IMMATURE.

WELL THEN, THEN YOU COME.

GREAT. MR. LOUDON?

UM, DICK.

DICK.

WOULD YOU PERMIT ME

TO START A DICK LOUDON FAN CLUB?

FOR ME?

WHAT A BOON FOR THE
SHOW. I CAN SEE IT ALL.

BUMPER STICKERS, BALLOONS,
T-SHIRTS, LUNCH PAIL.

OH, NO. IT WOULD BE DIGNIFIED.

EXACTLY.

LIKE... LIKE IF ALISTAIR
COOKE HAD A FAN CLUB.

THAT'S MORE THE WAY I SEE IT.

ME TOO. E PLURIBUS UNUM.

THEN IT'S OKAY, DICK?

I GUESS... I GUESS SO.

GREAT!

- HI, GEORGE.
- JOANNA, UH...

WE'RE HAVING OUR MIXED
DOUBLES BOWLING TOURNAMENT,

AND I WAS WONDERING,
WOULD YOU BE MY PARTNER?

IF IT'S OKAY WITH DICK.

AND YOU.

GEE, I HAVEN'T BOWLED IN A
LONG TIME. THAT MIGHT BE FUN.

OH, BOY. IT'S NEXT
FRIDAY AT 7:00.

FRIDAY. HMM. I'VE GOT A HOSPITAL
AUXILIARY MEETING AT 6:00,

BUT I COULD BE THERE BY 7:30.

OH, NO. ANYONE WHO ISN'T
LACED UP BY 7:00 IS DISQUALIFIED.

OH. I'M SURE YOU
KNOW SOMEONE ELSE

WHO'D LIKE TO GO WITH YOU.

WELL, DUTCH WILL WEAR A DRESS,

BUT HE'S AWFUL HAIRY.

WELL, HERE I AM.

WHERE ARE THOSE STUPID
PEAS I HAVE TO SHELL?

OVER THERE.

STEPHANIE, YOU'RE A WOMAN.

UH-HUH.

WOULD YOU BE MY
PARTNER AT A MIXED DOUBLES

BOWLING TOURNAMENT?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ME? WEAR THOSE SHOES?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SHOES?

THEY'VE HAD OTHER
PEOPLE'S FEET INSIDE THEM.

FEET BELONGING TO PEOPLE
WITH NAMES LIKE DODIE AND GERT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW I'D LOOK

IN ONE OF THOSE SHINY SHIRTS?

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE IN THE ALLEY?

OH, GOD, I'D DIE.

WELL, I'M SORRY I ASKED.

STEPHANIE, THAT WAS
REALLY INSENSITIVE.

YOU JUST HURT GEORGE'S FEELINGS.

- I DID?
- MM-HMM.

I WAS JUST EXPLAINING
HOW I FELT ABOUT BOWLING.

- AND BOWLERS.
- YEAH.

GEORGE IS A BOWLER.

OH.

YOU THINK HE MADE
THAT CONNECTION, TOO?

I THINK HE DID.

OH.

OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE NOW.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, JOANNE.

I NEVER WOULD'VE NOTICED THAT

IF YOU HADN'T
POINTED IT OUT TO ME.

HI, HONEY.

IS THAT ALL YOU BROUGHT BACK?

YOU WENT TO THE MARKET
WITH A LIST A MILE LONG.

HELLO!

SHE, UH, SHE WOULDN'T
LET ME CARRY THEM.

WOW!

DICK LOUDON'S KITCHEN!

YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS REMINDS ME OF?

ALL HAPPY KITCHENS ARE ALIKE!

EACH UNHAPPY KITCHEN

IS UNHAPPY IN ITS OWN WAY.

YOU'VE BEEN READING MY BOOKS.

I LOVE THE TOLSTOY REFERENCE.

OH, YOU PICKED UP ON THAT.

NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE DO
AND LAY SLATE LINOLEUM.

DICK?

WHO IS THIS?

OH, I'M... I'M SORRY, HONEY.

TRACY, THIS IS MY WIFE, JOANNA,

AND THIS IS OUR MAID, STEPHANIE.

- HELLO.
- HI.

JOANNA, YOU MUST BE
A VERY SPECIAL PERSON.

WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME.

UH, STEPHANIE, THERE ARE
MORE GROCERIES IN THE CAR.

OH, COULD I GET THEM?

WELL, OKAY.

IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU.

STEPHANIE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

DICK, WHO IS THIS GIRL?

OH, SHE'S, UM...

SHE'S HEADING UP MY FAN CLUB.

A FAN CLUB? YOU'RE KIDDING.

WELL, I MEAN, I AM A
TELEVISION PERSONALITY.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL
THAT I WOULD ATTRACT

A... A CERTAIN NUMBER OF FANS.

THAT NUMBER SEEMS TO BE ONE.

BUT I THINK SHE'S REALLY JUST
A COLLEGE KID WITH A CRUSH.

HONEY, I TOLD YOU. SHE'S
ONLY INTERESTED IN MY WORK.

WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
I THINK PAJAMAS.

BUT YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HIM.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD 8 X
10 GLOSSIES OF YOURSELF.

YEAH, TRACY WANTED THEM
FOR THE MEMBERSHIP DRIVE.

MICHAEL GAVE THEM TO HER.

WHAT'RE YOU WRITING?

"LOVE AND HUG-A-ROONIES,
DICK LOUDON."

MICHAEL WROTE
THAT ONE AS A SAMPLE.

I DECIDED TO GO IN A
DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

"SEE YOU SUNDAYS
AT 4:00. DICK LOUDON."

OH.

MAYBE I'D BETTER
TONE THAT ONE DOWN.

AN AUTOGRAPHED
PICTURE OF DICK LOUDON.

I COULD DIE. I COULD JUST DIE.

OOH!

OH, GEE, DICK, COULD I
HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU?

SURE, GEORGE.

GOT ANY WALLET-SIZE?

NO, NO, NO I DON'T.

OH. OKAY.

THANKS.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, GEORGE.

I WAS JUST LEAVING.

GEORGE.

I THINK I HURT YOUR
FEELINGS YESTERDAY.

- YEAH, YOU DID.
- WELL,

THAT MADE ME FEEL JUST TERRIBLE.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT GOING OVER
AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD,

REHEARSING WHAT
I WAS GOING TO SAY.

SO HERE GOES.

I'M SORRY. IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP,

JUST LET ME KNOW, OKAY.

YOU COULD GO BOWLING WITH ME.

GEORGE, WHEN I REHEARSED THIS,

YOU ALWAYS SAID,
"AH, FORGET IT."

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'D SAY THAT.

I STILL NEED A BOWLING PARTNER.

COULDN'T I JUST WAX
YOUR TOOLS OR SOMETHING?

AH, FORGET IT.

OKAY! YOU WIN.

BUT THIS COUNTS FOR THE NEXT
FIVE TIMES I HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU'LL GO BOWLING WITH ME?

KEEP IT DOWN! SOMEONE
MIGHT HEAR YOU.

RIGHT.

AND, GEORGE, ONE MORE THING.

WHEN WE GET
THERE, CALL ME MARIA.

- OH, HI, DICK.
- HELLO, TRACY.

I'VE GOT ALL KINDS OF
STUFF FOR THE CLUB.

MORE PHOTOS, APPLICATIONS,
AND MEMBERSHIP CARDS.

SO I SEE. A WHOLE SUITCASE FULL.

NO. THE CLUB STUFF'S
OUT IN THE CAR.

THESE ARE MY
CLOTHES. I'M CHECKING IN.

HEY.

GOOD MORNING!

WHAT'S... WHAT'S ALL THIS?

ORANGE JUICE. BLUEBERRY WAFFLES.

LINK SAUSAGE.

CHEESE OMELETTE.

THAT'S... THAT'S AMAZING. THIS
IS EXACTLY WHAT MY MOTHER

USED TO MAKE FOR
BREAKFAST ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I KNOW. BY THE WAY, SHE SAYS HI.

OH, AND, UH, HERE'S SOMETHING

TO ENJOY WITH YOUR MEAL.

THE OFFICIAL DICK
LOUDON NEWSLETTER.

"THE LOUDON CLEAR."

- TOO CUTE?
- I'LL FIELD THIS ONE, HONEY.

IT'S... IT'S... IT'S FINE.

OH, GOOD. I'VE BEEN
PASSING THEM OUT.

OH, I FORGOT THE ENGLISH MUFFIN.

"WHAT DICK LOUDON
HAS TO TEACH US."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

I'M SORRY, HONEY,
I WAS READING...

"MARSHALL McLUHAN VS. LOUDON.

HOW THEY STACK UP."

IT'S A GOOD THING
HE'S NOT ALIVE.

ACCORDING TO THIS, I
MAKE HIM LOOK PRETTY SILLY.

DICK, DON'T YOU THINK THIS
HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR?

HONEY, I REALLY DON'T
SEE ANY HARM IN IT.

"JOANNA LOUDON.

LIVING IN THE SHADOW."

WHO IS THIS DICK LOUDON?

THE INNKEEPER.

WHAT AN EGOMANIAC.

DICK, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE PART OF A HORSE?

I... I REALLY HAVEN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT THAT MUCH. WHY?

IT'S THIS WEEK'S
TRIVIA QUESTION.

WELL THEN, IT...

IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR
ME TO TELL YOU THE ANSWER.

OR POSSIBLE.

STEPHANIE, WHY DID TRACY
MAKE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

SHE WANTED TO.

WE PAY YOU TO MAKE BREAKFAST.

SO DID SHE.

HI, DICK. JOANNA.

CUPCAKE.

HERE'S SOME BACKGROUND
INFO ON THIS SUNDAY'S GUEST.

I DON'T NEED IT. I KNOW
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW

ABOUT THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNIVERSITY OF VERMONT.

CROSSED WIRES, DICK.

WHO'S IN HERE? RADIO-TEETH?

MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU...
OH, ASIDE. TO STEPH.

GOOD NEWS FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.

THAT FELLINI FESTIVAL
AT THE REGENT?

IT'S FINALLY OVER.

WANNA SEE THE BOOGENS?

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT?

- WHY? CAN'T YOU GO?
- NO, I CAN'T.

BUT STEPH!

THE BOOGENS!

MICHAEL, DON'T TORTURE
ME. I JUST CAN'T GO.

OH, STEPHANIE. GUESS WHAT?

I GOT YOU YOUR VERY
OWN... CANTALOUPE.

MY FAVORITE MELON!

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.

WHAT A FIND. THIS TIME OF YEAR.

MUST BE SOME MISUNDERSTANDING.

THAT'S NOT A CANTALOUPE.
IT'S HER VERY OWN...

WELL, GOT A SCOOP.

WAIT. WE HAVEN'T SETTLED THIS.

WE HAD TO BOOK THE
HUMAN RADIO, DICK.

HE'S GOT A DENTIST
APPOINTMENT NEXT WEEK,

AND THE POOR GUY MAY RINSE
AND SPIT HIS CAREER AWAY.

HERE ARE YOUR ENGLISH MUFFINS.

WITH ONE PAT OF BUTTER
IN THE CENTER OF EACH

SO THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE
EYES STARING UP AT YOU.

SHE HAS BEEN
TALKING TO MY MOTHER.

DICK, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

JOANNA, IT'S NOT THAT
EASY. SHE TOLD ME THAT,

ALL HER LIFE, SHE HAS
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING TRUE.

I MEAN, I JUST CAN'T
ASK HER TO STOP NOW.

BESIDES, THIS IS A
HELL OF A BREAKFAST.

[WHISPERING] DICK, TALK TO HER.

I CAN'T.

THERE.

MAYBE...

MAYBE I WILL HAVE
A WORD WITH HER.

TRACY? TRACY?

I... I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

NOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, FINISH
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

LET'S... LET'S SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, TRACY,

YOU'RE PROBABLY THE
BEST FAN I'VE EVER HAD,

- BUT...
- BUT?

WELL, IT'S NOT SO
MUCH A BUT AS AN ALBEIT.

BUT I...

I THINK IT WOULD BE
BETTER IF YOU WORSHIPED

SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE.

AND GIVE UP THE CLUB?

Y... YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLUB.

WHAT YOU HAVE
IS A... IS A CRUSH.

CRUSH?

WELL, DO CRUSHES HAVE
MEMBERSHIP MEETINGS?

WHAT... WHAT MEMBERSHIP MEETING?

WE'VE GOT ONE THIS WEEK.

ON CAMPUS.

WHEN?

FRIDAY! YOU'RE GONNA SEE
SOME FANS THERE, MISTER.

REALLY?

TONS!

TRACY, YOU AND I BOTH... TONS?

WELL, A LOT!

WE WERE HOPING
YOU'D BE THE SPEAKER.

OH, I... I CAN'T DISAPPOINT...

CLOSE TO A... TON OF PEOPLE.

ALL RIGHT. GUESS THIS IS IT.

HONEY, I JUST HOPE YOU AREN'T
GONNA BE TOO DISAPPOINTED.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE ASSUMING
THAT THERE'S NOT GONNA BE

- ANYONE IN THERE.
- WELL...

YOU KNOW, HONEY,
IT'S NOT INCONCEIVABLE

THAT THERE'S GONNA BE
PEOPLE IN THERE. TONS.

TONS?

WELL, A LOT.

AND THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANYTHING STRANGE ABOUT IT.

I'M... I'M A NOT-UNFAMOUS MAN.

- OKAY?
- OKAY.

I JUST HOPE YOU WON'T
BE TOO DISAPPOINTED.

I HAVE TO ADMIT,

I AM A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED,

BUT I THINK I CAN LIVE WITH IT.

OH, DICK, GOOD
CHEESE. NICE TURNOUT.

THIS... THIS IS AMAZING.

YEAH, THEY'VE GOT
JARLSBERG, GORGONZOLA.

AN INCREDIBLE BRIE.

THIS SURE BEATS THE BOOGENS.

DICK! WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

WELL, DO YOU HAVE FANS OR WHAT?

YOU... YOU WANT TO
FIELD THAT ONE, JOANNA?

DICK, JOANNA, THIS IS ROB.

HE HELPED ME SET THIS UP.

HEY.

SAME HERE.

SO, DICK, ARE YOU
READY TO SPEAK?

EVERYONE'S DYING TO
HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

- LET'S DO IT.
- ALL RIGHT.

YOU PREPARED A SPEECH?

WELL, I... I WAS
GUARDEDLY OPTIMISTIC.

BUT APPARENTLY WITH GOOD REASON.

COULD I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION, PLEASE?

IS EVERYBODY HAVING A GOOD TIME?

[ALL CHEER]

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
DICK LOUDON,

THE MAN WHO MADE
ALL THIS POSSIBLE.

[ALL CHEER, APPLAUD]

GOOD... GOOD
EVENING, ALL OF YOU.

AND...

THANK... THANK YOU
FOR THAT ROUSING...

THAT ROUSING WELCOME.

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY...
[ALL MURMUR]

IT'S NICE TO FINALLY
COME FACE TO FACE

WITH ALL... WITH ALL OF MY...

ALL OF MY FANS.

I'D... I'D LIKE TO
SHARE WITH YOU

SOME... SOME OF
THE EXPERIENCES...

EX... EXCUSE ME, COULD I...

COULD I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION PLEASE?

HEY!

I... I'D JUST... I'D
JUST LIKE TO KNOW,

HOW MANY OF YOU
HAVE SEEN MY TV SHOW?

HOW... HOW MANY
HAVE READ MY BOOKS?

HOW... HOW MANY OF
YOU ARE HERE FOR THE...

FREE FOOD AND BEER?

[ALL CHEER]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT...

THAT CONCLUDES MY REMARKS.

MEETING ADJOURNED.

I UNDERSTAND
REFRESHMENTS ARE AVAILABLE.

TRACY, COULD I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

DICK, I'M SORRY. FORGIVE ME?

I JUST THOUGHT IF I DIDN'T
HAVE SOME KIND OF MEETING,

YOU'D FEEL REALLY LET DOWN.

NO, THANK YOU FOR
SPARING ME THAT.

YOU... YOU COULDN'T
SIGN UP ONE MEMBER?

IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T TRY.

WELL, I... I GUESS
COLLEGE PEOPLE

JUST DON'T WATCH MY SHOW.

NOT JUST COLLEGE PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY.

WHITE COLLAR, BLUE COLLAR.

OLD, YOUNG,
SHUT-IN'S... OKAY. OKAY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, DICK,

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAID THE OTHER DAY.

AND I REALIZED THAT
YOU WERE RIGHT.

THE ONLY REASON I DID ALL THIS

WAS TO BE AROUND YOU.

I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUB.

I HAD A CRUSH.

TRACY, YOU'RE A...
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL GIRL.

AND I THINK IT'S BEST

THAT YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,

GET ME OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

DICK, I SAID I HAD A CRUSH.

I'VE OUTGROWN IT NOW.

YOU... YOU HAVE.

I WAS OUT TRYING
TO LINE UP FANS,

AND I STARTED MEETING
MORE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL.

THEY'RE NOT AS
IMMATURE AS I THOUGHT.

FOOD'S GONE. LET'S GO.

DICK, YOU MET ROB.

HEY.

YEAH, WE... WE SPOKE EARLIER.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, DICK.

WELL. BETTER TAKE OFF.

WE'RE GOING OUT TO THROW
WATER BALLOONS AND MOON COPS.

HEY!

DICK, I THOUGHT YOU
HANDLED YOURSELF

PRETTY WELL OUT THERE TONIGHT,

AND YOU WERE UP AGAINST
SOME DAMN FINE CHEESE.

GO HOME, MICHAEL.

ROGER.

- READY TO LEAVE?
- YEAH.

- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- I'M... I'M FINE.

- YOU SURE?
- I'M SURE.

I JUST HOPE YOU AREN'T
TOO DISAPPOINTED...

I'M DISAPPOINTED. OKAY?
VERY DISAPPOINTED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
DISAPPOINTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WOULD A HUG-A-ROONIE HELP?

DICK?

OH, HI, STEPHANIE.
HOW WAS BOWLING?

HOW DO YOU THINK?

I GUESS WE BOTH
HAD A LOUSY NIGHT.

YOU GO FIRST.

THE MEETING WAS A DISASTER.

I... I DON'T HAVE ANY FANS.

IS THAT ALL?

YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

WHAT?

I FOUND OUT I LIKE BOWLING.

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]