Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 7 - Poor Reception - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME PLAYING]

HERE ARE YOUR EGGS.

THEY MAY BE COLD. I
WAS ON THE PHONE.

[LAUGHS]

UH, FUNNY EGGS, GEORGE?

JUST THINKING ABOUT
MY CRAZY FRIEND DUTCH.

- HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN.
- WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

WE WERE HAVING DINNER LAST
NIGHT IN THIS REAL FANCY RESTAURANT.

WELL, I WENT OVER TO PUT
MONEY IN THE JUKE BOX...

[CHUCKLING]

WHILE I WAS GONE,
DUTCH POURED MILK



ALL OVER MY DINNER! [LAUGHS]

THAT STORY, THAT
SOUNDS TERRIBLE!

WELL, THANK GOODNESS
YOU CAN'T RUIN STEAK.

GEORGE, HE'S ALWAYS PULLING
THAT SORT OF THING ON YOU.

DON'T YOU EVER WANT
TO GET BACK AT HIM?

DICK, REVENGE IS CHILDISH.

HONEY, SOMETIMES YOU
HAVE TO FIGHT MILK WITH MILK.

- HERE YOU GO.

MISS?

OH, RIGHT. YOU WANT A JUICE.

AND A BREAKFAST.

ONE THING AT A TIME.

WONDER IF I COULD
PULL A TRICK ON DUTCH.

NAW, I COULD NEVER FOOL HIM.



I DON'T THINK I
COULD FOOL ANYBODY.

- WELL, SURE
YOU COULD, GEORGE.
- DICK!

WELL, YOU OUGHT TO TRY.
YOU MIGHT SURPRISE YOURSELF.

HEY, GEORGE, CAN
I HAVE THE SALT?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS]

GOT YA!

GEORGE, YOU RUINED MY BREAKFAST.

YOU SAID I COULD DO IT,
AND I DID. THANKS, DICK.

YOU'VE GIVEN ME HOPE!

PEPPER?

HI, ALL.

[STEPHANIE EXHALES]

- HI.
- GOT A CUP OF DECAF
FOR A HUNGRY SOLDIER?

OH.

DICK, HERE'S THAT MATERIAL
ON SUNDAY'S GUEST.

OH, THANK YOU.

HERE YOU ARE.

OH, AND UH, COULD
YOU PUT SUGAR IN IT?

[CHUCKLES]

MICHAEL, WOULD YOU
CARE FOR SOME BREAKFAST?

LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T STAY.

I'M INTERVIEWING RECEPTIONISTS.

INTERVIEWING RECEPTIONISTS?

- FOR WHAT?
- FOR RECEPTIONISTS.

WE NEED ONE AT THE STATION.

WELL, I'M OFF.

WHAT DOES YOUR RECEPTIONIST DO?

OH, BASICALLY, SHE
ANSWERS THE PHONES

AND PUTS ON A PRETTY
FACE FOR THE PUBLIC.

MISS, COULD I HAVE
SOME MORE COFFEE?

MICHAEL, I WANT THAT JOB.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB HERE?

YEAH!

THIS JOB SOUNDS BETTER.

WELL, NO OFFENSE, DICK.

BUT IF I WAS A RECEPTIONIST,
I'D EARN MORE MONEY.

I'D GET TO WEAR NICE
CLOTHES WHEN I WORK.

I'D BE AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME.

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO STICK MY HANDS

IN ANYTHING PORCELAIN.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WELL, IT'S-IT'S FINE WITH ME,
BUT WHAT ABOUT...

OH, DICK AND JOANNA...

YOU GUYS ARE RESPONSIBLE
FOR EVERY GOOD THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

YOU GAVE ME A HOME
WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

A JOB WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD.

AND YOU EVEN
INTRODUCED ME TO MICHAEL.

[SIGHS] I JUST WISH
THERE WAS SOMETHING

I COULD DO TO SHOW YOU
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT,

BUT THERE ISN'T,
SO I QUIT, OKAY?

OH, SENTIMENT LIKE
THAT IS THANKS ENOUGH.

WELL, THEN, LET'S DO
IT. AND YOU CAN START

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

MISS VANDERKELLEN.

SEE YOU THEN, MR. HARRIS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[NEWS PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

OH, MY GOD!

MY VERY OWN NAME!

THIS CALLS FOR A KISS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

OH, A T.V.!

- OH, IT'S THE NEWS.
- I HATE IT TOO, STEPH.

JUST A BUNCH OF
CAPTAIN BRING-DOWNS.

- WELL, WHAT ELSE IS ON?
- WHOA, STEPH,
DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL.

THIS IS CHANNEL EIGHT,
SO THIS MUST ALWAYS

BE CHANNEL EIGHT.

WELL, CAN YOU TELL THEM
TO STOP DOING THE NEWS?

I CAN ASK.

OH, NOW, THIS IS, SORT OF,
YOUR COMMAND MODULE.

BASICALLY, THE JOB IS MEETING
AND GREETING THE PUBLIC.

WHEN PEOPLE COME IN,
FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE,

SEND THEM WHERE THEY'RE GOING,

AND THEN, GIVE
THEM ONE OF THOSE...

PATENTED STEPHANIE SMILES.

WELL, AS THEY SAY
IN SHOW BUSINESS,

"LET'S START WORK."

[MAN ON TELEVISION] AND
NOW, THE WPIV EDITORIAL.

HERE'S NEWS DIRECTOR,
PHILLIP JENKINS.

[MUTES T.V.]

[SIGHS]

HI!

WELCOME TO CHANNEL EIGHT.

HI!

I'M STEVE. I-I'M SUPPOSED TO
BE ON YOUR NEWS PROGRAM,

AND I'M LATE. WHERE DO I GO?

OH.

THAT'S EASY. IT'S DOWN THE HALL

AND TO THE LEFT.

THANKS, MISS.

MICHAEL, CALL FOR
YOU ON LINE ONE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HI, IT'S ME.

YEAH, I AM A SCAMP.
COULD YOU COME OUT HERE

FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

VERY IMPORTANT.

WHAT... WHAT IS IT, STEPH?

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR
MIDMORNING KISS.

OH, STEPH, YOU TURNED...
TURNED THE VOLUME DOWN.

[ON T.V.] LET THE VOICE
OF STEVE BE HEARD!

OH, NO!

MICHAEL!

WHAT ABOUT MY KISS?

[STEVE] OUR SOCIETY
HAS FALLEN INTO CRISIS!

MOTHER'S DAY SHOULDN'T
COME JUST ONCE A YEAR!

IT SHOULD COME TWICE!

LET GO OF ME!

[MUTES T.V.]

HI, DICK. WELCOME
TO CHANNEL EIGHT.

- HI. HI, STEPHANIE.
- HOW AM I DOING?

I-I JUST GOT HERE.

I KNOW.

WHAT IS... WHAT DO THEY HAVE ON?

TAG TEAM WRESTLING?

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

[STEVE] LET GO OF MY FOOT!

[MICHAEL] NOT UNTIL
YOU LET GO OF MY HAIR!

UH, THAT'S MICHAEL.

AND STEVE.

NOT STEVE!

[MAN ON T.V.] BACK
TO THE WPIV EDITORIAL.

CHANNEL EIGHT WELCOMES...

[EXHALES]

STEPH... WHAT?

NOW, DON'T BE DEFENSIVE.

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST LET
EVERY CRAZY OFF THE STREET

IN... INTO THE STUDIO.

WELL, PART OF YOUR JOB
IS TO... SCREEN PEOPLE.

NORMAL PEOPLE, LIKE ME AND DICK,

YOU LET IN.

VERY CRAZY PEOPLE...
LIKE STEVE, YOU...

YOU CALL THE POLICE.

- OKAY?
- ARE YOU UNHAPPY
WITH ME?

NO, OTHERWISE
YOU'RE DOING TERRIF'.

- DICK?
- RIGHT!

"WELCOME TO CHANNEL EIGHT"
WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

[CHUCKLES]

HI, JOAN... ANY LUCK
FINDING THE NEW MAID?

NO, THE AD RAN IN THE PAPER
THIS MORNING, BUT NOTHING YET.

- WELL...
- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I FINALLY FIGURED A
WAY TO GET DUTCH.

WE'RE GOING BOWLING
THIS AFTERNOON.

NOW, PICTURE THIS.
FIRST CHANCE I GET,

REAL CASUAL-LIKE, I'LL SAY,

"DUTCH, A PIECE OF GUM?"

"SURE, I'LL HAVE SOME GUM."

THAT WAS DUTCH
TALKING. DID YOU GET THAT?

[WHIMPERS]

IS THAT HOT! IT'S PEPPER GUM.

THEN, WHEN HE LOOKS AROUND
FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK,

I'LL GIVE HIM THIS.

"THANKS, BUDDY."

GET IT? IT'S A DRIBBLE GLASS!

NOW, HE'S GOT
JUICE ALL OVER HIM.

AND WHEN HE LOOKS AROUND
FOR SOMETHING TO WIPE IT OFF WITH,

I'LL SAY, "HERE, USE
MY HANDKERCHIEF."

"YOU'RE A LIFESAVER, GEORGE."

BU... HE...

BUT IT'S A GAG HANDKERCHIEF!

NOW, HIS SHIRT'S ALL STAINED,

HIS HANDS AND FACE ARE BLACK,

AND HIS MOUTH IS BURNING.

IS HE GONNA LOOK
LIKE A FOOL OR WHAT?

YES.

THANKS. THAT'S ALL
I WANTED TO KNOW.

HARLEY? HARLEY ESTIN?

UH, HI, JOANNA.

- HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
- HI, HARLEY.

- YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
- OH, THANKS!

YOU TOO.

CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?

OH, ACTUALLY, I'M
HERE TO SEE JOANNA.

OKAY. THEN I BETTER GO
FIND SOME TURPENTINE.

THEY SAY THIS STUFF IS
IMPOSSIBLE TO GET OFF.

[CHUCKLES]

- WHAT IS IT, HARLEY?
- WELL...

I SAW YOUR AD IN THE PAPER.

AND I'M APPLYING
FOR THE POSITION.

- OF MAID?
- YUP, I'M YOUR MAN!

BUT I THOUGHT YOU HAD A JOB.

YEAH, I WAS IN DOOR
TO DOOR SALES.

BUT A SURPRISING NUMBER
OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

TO BUY VEAL DOOR TO DOOR.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

ANYWAY, WHEN THAT FELL
THROUGH, I GOT KINDA DESPONDENT.

BUT THEN, I SAW YOUR AD,
AND IT WAS LIKE A BEACON!

HARLEY, UH, DO YOU
KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL

- ABOUT BEING A MAID?
- NO!

WHY? IS THAT A JOB REQUIREMENT?

- WELL, KIND OF.
- OH.

OH, DEAR.

I SUPPOSE NOW IF I TOLD
YOU I KNEW ALL ABOUT IT,

YOU'D KNOW SOMETHING WAS AFOOT.

- YES.
- BUT I CAN LEARN.

AND EVERY BIRD HAS TO
FLY FOR THE FIRST TIME.

- EXCEPT PENGUINS.
- UH...

- HARLEY, THIS DOESN'T SEEM...
- I WORK REAL HARD!

- I KNOW...
- I'M AWFUL NICE TO BE AROUND.

OH, HARLEY.

I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'LL WORK OUT.

OH.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.

[SIGHS] I GUESS, IN THIS WORLD,

SOMEBODY'S GOT
TO BE THE PENGUIN.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO MICHAEL?

COULD I ASK WHO'S CALLING?

MIMI?

HE'S NOT IN.

AS A GENERAL RULE, HE'S NOT IN

FOR ANYONE NAMED MIMI.

I'M SORRY. I DON'T HAVE
TIME TO TAKE A MESSAGE.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO MY FILING.

THAT WAS PRETTY RUDE, WASN'T IT?

SHE CERTAINLY WAS.

EXCUSE ME, YOU
CAN'T GO IN THERE.

- I-I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- EVERY CRAZY ON THE STREET

IS TRYING TO GET IN HERE.

I'M UNDER SPECIFIC
INSTRUCTIONS TO KEEP THEM OUT.

[LAUGHS] DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?

I GUESS NOT.

THOUGH I CAN'T
EXPLAIN THAT DRESS.

[SCOFFS] FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I PAID $200 FOR THIS DRESS.

THEN YOU ARE CRAZY.

YOU CAN'T GO IN
THERE WITHOUT A...

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M STEPHANIE, THE RECEPTIONIST.

- WHO HIRED YOU?
- MY BOYFRIEND.

- WHO'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

- THE STATION MANAGER.
- DO YOU WORK FOR HIM?

I AM HIM!

I HAVE TO GO TO
THE LADIES' ROOM.

- MICHAEL!
- OH, GOD.

STEPHANIE? [SIGHS]

OH, HI, FRAN. I... I LIKE
THE PEEK-A-BOO LOOK.

[SCOFFS]

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A
DREADFUL RECEPTIONIST.

AND SHE TORE MY DRESS. DUMP HER.

FRAN, I'M NOT SURE THOSE SOUND LIKE
REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH THE GIRL.

[LAUGHING] OH, WELL, I DON'T
CARE IF YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

I JUST WANT YOU... TO FIRE HER.

OH.

OH!

[CLICKS ON] UH,
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

FOR MICROBIOLOGIST,
DR. GEORGIA DUCKETT.

UH, QUESTION... NUMBER ONE.

UM... "TELL ME..." GEORGIA...

"GEORGIA... [CLICKS OFF]

DICK, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

REALLY? WHAT... WHAT IS IT?

FRAN SAYS I'VE GOT
TO FIRE STEPHANIE.

MICHAEL, THAT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE A PROBLEM

"WE" HAVE.

- WHAT-WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?
- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

WE'RE PROBABLY INTO
THE INCOMPETENT THING.

DICK, I CAN'T FIRE MY STEADY.

WELL, IT ISN'T GONNA BE
EASY. SHE-SHE LOVES IT HERE.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD
OFFER HER A MASSIVE RAISE

TO COME BACK AS A MAID?

THEN I'D BE INTO THE
INCOMPETENCE THING.

BUT DICK, IF I FIRE
HER, SHE'LL HATE ME.

SHE WON'T HATE YOU.

I MEAN, NOT IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
HAS ANY DEPTH OR MATURITY.

WELL, DICK, NOW,
YOU'RE JUST SCARING ME.

MICHAEL, THERE'S SOME THINGS
YOU JUST HAVE TO WORK OUT

- FOR YOURSELF.
- THANKS A LOT, DICK.

YOU CAN BUY PILLOWS
THAT SAY THAT.

UH, WHERE WAS I? REWIND.

[CLICKS] GEORGIA...

BOY, WHAT A FIRST
DAY ON THE JOB.

YEAH, I... I HOPE YOU AREN'T...

TOO DISAPPOINTED.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE THIS PLACE.

YOU DO?

DI... UH, DIDN'T YOU
TALK TO MICHAEL?

YEAH. JUST NOW.

ISN'T IT EXCITING?

WHAT... WHAT IS?

THAT I'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

PROM... PROMOTED TO WHAT?

YOUR SECRETARY.

RIGHT.

W-WOULD YOU... WOULD
YOU WAIT HERE, UH, FOR...

FOR JUST A SECOND?

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

MICHAEL!

YO.

YOU ARE THE LOWEST FORM
OF LIFE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE A MISERABLE,
SNEAKY, CONNIVING COWARD.

PROBLEM, DICK?

YOU KNOW IT! YOU TOLD STEPHANIE
SHE WAS GONNA BE MY SECRETARY.

WELL, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,
DICK, BUT HAVEN'T YOU BEEN

- BEGGING FOR A SECRETARY?
- NOT STEPHANIE!

WHY NOT? SHE'S AN
EXPERIENCED RECEPTIONIST.

SHE'S BEEN A RECEPTIONIST
FOR 90 MINUTES!

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WH-WHY DON'T YOU JUST

- GIVE HER A CHANCE?
- NO!

WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU'LL
JUST HAVE TO FIRE HER.

NO WAY! YOU FIRE HER.

DICK, I CAN'T. I KNOW STEPHANIE.

LIPS THAT GIVE NOTICE
WILL NEVER TOUCH HERS.

BASICALLY, YOU'VE
GOT A LOT LESS TO LOSE.

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA
BE THE ONE TO FIRE HER,

SO YOU CAN HAVE HAPPY LIPS.

GREAT! THEN SHE'LL STAY.

SHE CAN'T! SHE'LL
KEEP SHOWING UP HERE,

EVERYDAY AT THE OFFICE, AND
WE'LL STILL HAVE A PROBLEM.

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, DICK.
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A PROBLEM

"WE" HAVE.

STEPHANIE, I... I
THINK WE'D BETTER...

WHAT... WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TYPING UP YOUR
NOTES FOR YOU.

WHAT... WHAT NOTES?

[DICK ON TAPE] GEORGIA...

YOU... YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

OH, I DON'T MIND.

I'M FULFILLING MYSELF.

THIS MORNING, RECEPTIONIST,
AND NOW, SECRETARY

TO AN ON-AIR PERSONALITY.

THIS IS GREAT. I FINALLY FOUND

SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT.

"GEORGIE ON MY MINK?"

TA-DA!

UH, STEPHANIE...
UH, MAYBE YOU STILL

HAVEN'T FOUND THAT...

ELUSIVE SOMETHING
YOU'RE GOOD AT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DICK?

WHAT I... WHAT I
MEAN IS, YOU'RE...

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO BE MY SECRETARY.

- I'M NOT?
- NO.

AM I GOING TO BE PROMOTED AGAIN?

NO.

THEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO BE?

UM, FIRED.

WHAT?

M... MICHAEL WAS
SUPPOSE TO FIRE YOU AS...

AS RECEPTIONIST.

MICHAEL WANTED TO FIRE ME?

NO, TH-THE STATION
MANAGER TOLD HIM TO, BUT...

HE COULDN'T DO IT, SO...

HE HIRED YOU AS...
AS MY SECRETARY.

OH.

WELL, WHO'S MAKING YOU FIRE ME?

THE STATION MANAGER?

BU... UH, NO.

NOT MICHAEL?

NO.

WELL, THAT CERTAINLY
NARROWS IT DOWN.

MICHAEL WAS SUPPOSE TO
FIRE YOU IN-IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT HE'S TOO MUCH OF A
MAN TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU'RE TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS.

[VOICE BREAKS] I
DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I HAVE NO MONEY. [SNIFFLES]

I HAVE NO FUTURE.

[CRIES] AND I HAVE A GRAY HAIR!

UM... S-STEPHANIE,
PLEA... PLEASE DON'T CRY.

[SNIFFLES] THERE'S
NOTHING SADDER

THAN A PERKY
BLONDE ON THE SKIDS.

LOOK, HOW-HOW... HOW
ABOUT YOU COME BACK

TO THE INN AND-AND WORK FOR US?

AS WHAT?

AS... AS THE MAID.

BUT I'VE DONE THAT.

NOT... NOT REALLY.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO MAID'S WORK.

THAT WAS JUST TAKING ORDERS.

HERE AT THE STATION,
I HAD RESPONSIBILITIES.

BUT HERE... HERE AT THE STATION,
YOU... YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I HAVE MY MEMORIES.

HOW ABOUT ME GIVING YOU A RAISE?

SAY, UH... UH, TEN PERCENT?

I DON'T WANT YOUR GUILT MONEY.

IT-IT... IT'S NOT GUILT MONEY.

WE-WE... WE NEED YOU.
I MEAN, THE-THE PLACE

HASN'T BEEN THE SAME,
SINCE... SINCE YOU LEFT

TH-THIS MORNING.

- YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
- NO-NO... NO, I'M-I'M NOT.

YOU'RE THE... YOU'RE THE...

BEST GOSH DARN MAID WE'VE, UH...

WE'VE-WE'VE EVER HAD.

OH, YOU REALLY DO NEED ME?

YEAH.

THEN I'M WORTH MORE
THAN TEN PERCENT.

MAKE IT 15 AND YOU'VE GOT ME.

[SIGHS] I'VE... I
GUESS I GOT YOU.

OH, BOY!

[INHALES] OH!

I'M GOING TO TAKE MICHAEL
OUT TO DINNER TO CELEBRATE.

AND TO THANK HIM FOR
STANDING UP FOR ME.

[EXHALES] I'LL USE MY
FIRST WEEK'S RAISE, SO...

IT'LL BE, KIND OF, YOUR TREAT.

- HI, I'M BACK!
- HI, STEPHANIE.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY?

AS WHAT? A RECEPTIONIST,
DICK'S SECRETARY,

- OR YOUR NEW MAID?
- OUR NEW MAID?

[GIGGLES] YEAH, I'M REALLY BACK!

- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
- HO-HONEY, IT WAS AWFUL.

STEPHANIE IS A
TERRIBLE RECEPTIONIST.

MICHAEL STUCK ME WITH
THE JOB OF FIRING HER.

AND-AND I... I JUST DIDN'T
HAVE THE HEART TO...

TO NOT TAKE HER BACK HERE.

WELL, I UNDERSTAND, DICK,
BUT THERE IS A PROBLEM.

- WHAT?
- I HIRED A MAID TODAY.

NOW, DON'T WORRY. IT
WAS ONLY ON A TRIAL BASIS,

AND IT'S NOT WORKING OUT, BUT...

I CAN'T BRING MYSELF
TO DO THE FIRING.

- COULD YOU?
- I CAN'T!

- OH, PLEASE, DICK!
- HONEY, ONE FIRING A DAY
IS ENOUGH.

THIS ONE IS YOURS.

OKAY, I'LL TRY.

HEY, BOSS!

JOANNA SAID YOU
WANTED TO SPEAK TO ME?

MEOW.