Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 6 - Tickets, Please - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME]

- HI.
- OH, HI.

I'M STUART COSWELL,
AND I HAD A RESERVATION.

- OH, YES.
- YEAH.

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE
ME, MR. COSWELL.

TODAY IS OUR MAID'S DAY OFF.

THE ONLY CHANCE I HAVE
TO GET THE CLEANING DONE.

HERE YOU GO. THERE.

THANK YOU.

[STUART LAUGHS]

I'LL GET OUR HANDYMAN
TO CARRY YOUR THINGS



UPSTAIRS FOR YOU.

THAT'S OKAY. I'D PREFER
TO CARRY MY BAGS MYSELF.

SEE, IT'S EASIER.

MR. COSWELL. I OUGHT TO TELL YOU

THAT WE CAN'T ALLOW PETS.

YOU CAN'T?

WELL. GOOD POLICIES.

YOU KNOW, I HATE 'EM. YUCK.

THIS MIGHT SOUND
NITPICKY, BUT THAT BOX

DOES LOOK LIKE IT COULD
CONTAIN A YUCKY PET.

[STUART LAUGHS]

DON'T BE SILLY.
NO, YOU SEE, THIS...

THIS IS SOCKS.

THEN WHY ARE THERE AIR HOLES?



I DIDN'T SAY THEY WERE CLEAN.

ROOM SEVEN.

AND, UH, THIS, OF
COURSE, IS THE LOBBY.

[WOMAN GASPS] OH...

WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU
WERE HERE BEFORE.

THIS... THIS IS WHERE
YOU CHECKED IN.

AND I STILL LOVE IT.

WELL, FEEL FREE TO HUG A WALL.

WHAT... WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I'M TRYING TO GET
SOME CLEANING DONE.

OH RIGHT. THIS IS
STEPHANIE'S DAY OFF.

SAY, DICK, YOU KNOW
THOSE CELTICS TICKETS

YOU WERE TRYING
TO GET, AND I SAID

I COULD GET THEM FOR
YOU? WELL, GUESS WHAT?

- YOU GOT 'EM?
- NO.

BUT MY FRIEND DUTCH DID,
AND HE GAVE THEM TO ME.

OH. THANKS, GEORGE.

HEY, DICK, I COULDN'T
HELP NOTICING

THERE ARE TWO TICKETS THERE.

WERE YOU PLANNING TO
TAKE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

YEAH, GEORGE, I WAS
PLANNING ON TAKING YOU.

OH. WELL,

IT'S KIND OF
LAST-MINUTE, BUT OKAY.

MR. LOUDON, YOU'VE
DONE SUCH A FABULOUS JOB

OF PRESERVING THIS PLACE.

YOU'RE JUST WONDERFUL.

WELL, THE GUEST IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

- MR. LOUDON...
- OR YOU CAN CALL ME

MR. WONDERFUL.

WELL, I'D LIKE US TO STICK WITH
THE NAME ON THE ARREST WARRANT.

- ARREST WARRANT?
- YOU'RE ARRESTING DICK?

YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO.

WELL, WHAT DID HE DO?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

WHAT'D I DO?

WELL, YOU... HELD
UP A LIQUOR STORE.

WHAT?

OH, SORRY. WRONG WARRANT.

APPARENTLY YOU FAILED
TO PAY SOME PARKING FINES.

WELL, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

I HAD A COUPLE OF
TICKETS, BUT I PAID THEM.

I NEVER GET TIRED
OF HEARING THAT ONE.

BUT JUST THE SAME, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO COME DOWN

- TO THE STATION WITH ME.
- I'LL FOLLOW YOU DOWN.

YOU'LL PROBABLY WANNA
BRING SOME MONEY, MA'AM.

OR HIS TOOTHBRUSH, DEPENDING
ON HOW BADLY YOU WANT HIM BACK.

LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS.

WE'LL BE BACK
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

WELL, JUST IN CASE
YOU'RE NOT, MR. LOUDON.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

YOU HAVE A LOVELY HIDEOUT.

NOW... NOW DICK, JUST
TRY AND COOL DOWN.

I DON'T WANNA COOL
DOWN. I WAS ARRESTED

IN FRONT OF MY GUESTS.
I WAS THROWN IN A CELL

WITH A GUY WHO
ACTUALLY SMELLED LIKE

HE COULD'VE BEEN JACK DANIELS.

AND THEN THAT JUDGE
FINED ME $275 WORTH

FOR A CRIME I NEVER COMMITTED.

WELL, I BELIEVE YOU, HONEY,
BUT THAT WAS NO REASON

TO LOSE YOUR HEAD
OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE.

HONEY, IN THIS GREAT
COUNTRY OF OURS,

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE
IS A BIRTHRIGHT.

BESIDES, I DON'T THINK
THE JUDGE EVEN SAW

WHO THREW THAT SNOWBALL.

DICK.

DICK, ISN'T IT REMOTELY POSSIBLE

THAT YOU FORGOT TO PAY
THOSE PARKING TICKETS?

NO, AND I'M GOING TO PROVE IT.

OUT OF MY WAY!

WHO'RE YOU TALKING TO?

A CHAIR!

OH, HELLO, MR. COSWELL.

OH HI.

GEE, I DIDN'T SEE
YOU STANDING THERE.

- I'VE BEEN ON A DIET.
- AH.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, UH... WELL,

I GOT A LITTLE HUNGRY,
SO I FIXED MYSELF A SNACK.

RAW LIVER.

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S
MY ONE WEAKNESS.

YOU'D BE AMAZED AT
HOW MANY RESTAURANTS

OVERCOOK IT.

- AH-HAH!
- "AH-HAH" WHAT?

AH-HAH, I WAS RIGHT. I DID
PAY THOSE TRAFFIC FINES.

I HAVE THE CANCELED CHECKS HERE.

NOW MAYBE THE JUDGE'LL
LISTEN TO REASON.

ASSUMING HE'S GOTTEN ALL
THE SNOW OUT OF HIS EAR.

I WAS AIMING FOR HIS HAT.

DICK. HONEY, DON'T YOU
THINK YOU SHOULD WAIT

UNTIL YOU'RE IN A
LESS VENGEFUL MOOD?

I'M NOT VENGEFUL.

I'M SIMPLY GOING TO GO
DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE

AND LAY THE CANCELED
CHECKS OUT, ONE BY ONE,

UNDER THE BEAK OF THAT
BLACK COW, POMPOUS,

TOAD OF A JUDGE.

BOY, DID I TAKE THE
RIGHT DAY OFF OR WHAT?

- SO HOW WAS SKIING?
- WONDERFUL.

I HAD A LESSON WITH THE
SINGLE MOST GORGEOUS

SKI INSTRUCTOR ON THIS PLANET.

- WOLFGANG.
- STEPHANIE.

OH, HE DOESN'T MIND.

DO YOU, WOLFIE?

- NEIN.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

WHERE'S DICK? WE'VE
GOTTA TRY THIS OUT ON HIM.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

- DICK WAS ARRESTED.
- ARRESTED? FOR WHAT?

FAILURE TO PAY PARKING FINES.

BUT IT'S JUST A
MISUNDERSTANDING.

HE'S GONE TO
STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT.

MIKE, WILL YOU WANT
TO STAY FOR LUNCH?

NO THANKS, I NIBBLED
STEPHIE'S EAR ON THE CHAIR LIFT.

WHY THE LONG FACE, INGRID?

MICHAEL, DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN DICK AND
JOANNA WENT TO THAT

WRITERS' CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK?

HOW COULD I FORGET?
THAT'S THE WEEK WE HAD TO

REPLACE DICK'S SHOW
WITH THAT MUNSTER RERUN.

MONSTER RATINGS.

WELL, WHILE THEY WERE
GONE, I BORROWED DICK'S CAR.

AND I GOT SOME PARKING TICKETS.

BUT I GUESS I FORGOT

TO TELL HIM ABOUT, UH, PAY.

BAD FORM, STEPH. WHY
WERE USING HIS CAR?

IT'S AMERICAN, ISN'T IT?

I WAS BUYING SHOES.
I NEEDED A WAGON.

WELL, YOU HAVE A
PERFECT EXPLANATION.

SO YOU DON'T THINK HE'LL BE MAD?

- WITH THAT LITTLE NOSE?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WAS BEING A DUMMKOPF.

OH, SORRY TO KEEP YOU
WAITING, MR. LOUDON.

I HOPE THIS WON'T TAKE TOO LONG.

I'VE GOT A SPLITTING HEADACHE.

SOMEONE BEAMED ME WITH
A SNOWBALL THIS MORNING.

KIDS, KIDS, KIDS.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UM, JUDGE DRAYTON, UM,

I'M SURE YOU'RE
PROBABLY A DECENT GUY,

BUT YOUR DECISION THIS MORNING

REALLY SUCKED ROPE.

YOUR HONOR.

TO TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, MR. LOUDON.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

- I AM?
- YEAH, IN REVIEWING
YOUR FILE,

I FOUND A SERIOUS OVERSIGHT.

YOU WERE FINED $275.

IT SHOULD'VE BEEN 300.

WHAT?

IT'S TIME I GOT A
NEW CALCULATOR.

THIS OLD ONE...
SUCKS ROPE, IS IT?

BUT... BUT I'M NOT GUILTY.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

YOU'RE GUILTY OF FALSE ARREST.

EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE HERE THREE...
COUNT THEM, THREE...

CANCELED CHECKS MADE OUT

TO THE MUNICIPAL COURT
FOR PARKING VIOLATIONS.

ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

READ THEM AND WEEP.

WELL, I'LL BE.

YOU DID PAY THEM.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU FAILED TO PAY FOUR.

FIVE.

SIX.

FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX?

SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

BUT I... I NEVER GOT THOSE.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

YOU... YOU SHOULD
BE... DISROBED.

MR. LOUDON, YOU SEEM TO
HAVE A SLIGHT ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

OBVIOUSLY JUST FINING
YOU WASN'T ENOUGH.

MAYBE SOME
COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK

WOULD DO YOU GOOD.

COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK?

YES, THAT'S WHERE
YOU CHEERFULLY DONATE

ALL YOUR FREE TIME FOR SOME

COMMUNITY IMPROVEMENT PROJECT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME.

I'M A JUDGE.

YOU START TOMORROW.

BUT I'M BUSY TOMORROW.

I HAVE TICKETS TO
THE CELTICS GAME.

YOU DO? YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN.

WELL. YOU WERE.

WELL, NOW, I'LL MISS THE GAME.

THIS IS A TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE.

LOOK, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS...

I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE
PROBLEM ANYMORE.

YOU MAY NOT, MR. LOUDON.

BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT
COMMUNITY SERVICE WILL DO.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'LL KEEP YOU TOO BUSY

TO THROW ANY MORE SNOWBALLS.

HI, HONEY. DID YOU
GET EVERYTHING

STRAIGHTENED OUT WITH THE JUDGE?

OH, YEAH.

HE FELT SO BAD HE'S GONNA

LET ME PAINT THE TOWN HALL.

- WHAT?
- HE SENTENCED ME

TO 20 HOURS OF COMMUNITY
SERVICE WORK STARTING TOMORROW.

CLAIMS I HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT JERK?

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA
MISS THE GAME TOMORROW?

WHAT A JERK. I'M SO MAD
I COULD KICK SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DIDN'T YOU SHOW HIM

THE CANCELED CHECKS?

THEN HE SHOWED ME
THREE MORE TICKETS

THAT I DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER GETTING.

UNLESS... DON'T LOOK AT ME.

GEORGE, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'LL NEED TO HEAR THE
WHOLE QUESTION, DICK.

DID YOU GET ANY PARKING
TICKETS WITH MY CAR?

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA
TEAR MY FILES APART,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU, I NEVER GOT

TICKETS FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX.

DID I HEAR DICK COME BACK?

[DICK] OUT OF MY WAY!

- WHO'S HE TALKING TO?
- A CHAIR.

I WOULDN'T GO IN
THERE IF I WERE YOU.

- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE THE JUDGE

SENTENCED DICK TO 20
HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE.

HE'S MADDER THAN
I'VE EVER SEEN HIM.

[CLATTER]

- AH-HAH!
- "AH-HAH" WHAT?

AH-HAH. I FINALLY FOUND
SOMETHING TO KICK.

GEORGE, IF YOU GET A CHANCE,

YOU MIGHT TAKE A
LOOK AT THE DESK.

AND HONEY, IF YOU GET A CHANCE,

YOU MIGHT TAKE A
LOOK AT MY FOOT.

[DICK] IF YOU
START UP WITH ME...

STEPHANIE. YOU
DIDN'T GET ANY TICKETS

USING DICK'S CAR, DID YOU?

WHY WOULD I USE DICK'S
CAR? IT'S AMERICAN.

OH. OF COURSE.

STEPHANIE, IS ANYTHING WRONG?

WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

WELL, YOU'RE... WORKING.

HARD.

IT'LL PASS.

HI, MRS. LOUDON. CAN
STEPHIE COME OUT AND PLAY,

OR IS SHE GROUNDED?

- GROUNDED?
- MICHAEL!

WHOA. TURBO-KISS.

NICE JUMPSUIT, DICK.

MID-LIFE CRISIS?

NO, THEY HAVE THIS
RULE THAT SAYS,

IF YOU DO COMMUNITY
SERVICE WORK,

YOU HAVE TO LOOK
LIKE THE VILLAGE IDIOT.

COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK?

YOU KNOW, FOR THOSE
PARKING VIOLATIONS DICK GOT.

ALLEGEDLY GOT.

AHH.

OH.

LISTEN, STEPH, I'M
FEELING MADCAP TODAY.

WHAT SAY WE TRY OUT
THAT NEW HAIR SALON.

NO, I'M JUST GOING TO
STAY HERE AND WORK.

POOR STEPH. HOW
ABOUT IF I BRING YOU BACK

- A LOCK OF MY HAIR?
- OKAY.

REMEMBER. YOU'VE GOT
THAT CUTE LITTLE NOSE.

NO ONE CAN TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

HERE'S YOUR LUNCH, HONEY.

JOANNA, I WAS ORDERED TO
DO COMMUNITY SERVICE WORK,

NOT IMPERSONATE RALPH KRAMDEN.

GEORGE?

YEAH, DICK?

YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE
THIS CELTICS TICKET

TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

AH, GEE, DICK.

MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO
THE JUDGE ONE MORE TIME.

GEORGE, IF I TRY TO PROVE
MY INNOCENCE ANY MORE,

I'LL WIND UP ON DEATH ROW.

DICK!

WHAT?

HAVE FUN.

YEAH. YEAH, WE'RE
TALKING MARDI GRAS.

AH, MR. COSWELL.

WHERE ARE WE OFF TO?

WE?

OH, OH YEAH, WELL, I
THOUGHT I'D, YOU KNOW,

TAKE IN THE SIGHTS.

YOUR SOCKS SHOULD ENJOY THAT.

AH, YEAH. YEAH, THEY SURE COULD

USE SOME FRESH AIR.

MR. COSWELL, IT'S
PAINFULLY CLEAR

THAT YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK THERE
ARE SOCKS IN HERE.

I THINK THAT WHAT'S
IN HERE IS... NOTHING.

HUH. SUPPOSE THERE'S A
RULE AGAINST THAT, HUH?

OH, MR. COSWELL. I'M SO SORRY.

I WAS SURE YOU WERE
HIDING A PET IN HERE.

I'M JUST SO EMBARRASSED,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I... I HOPE YOU'LL FORGIVE ME.

OH, HERE, HAVE A POSTCARD.

OH BOY. OH BOY.

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES CASUALLY]

- GEORGE.
- YEAH?

DID YOU EVER GET PUNISHED
WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD?

WELL, SURE. DIDN'T EVERYONE?

NOT ME.

NEVER?

NOT EVEN THE TIME I CUT
LEATHER DOLL CLOTHES

OUT OF THE UPHOLSTERY IN
MY FATHER'S ROLLS-ROYCE.

AND HE DIDN'T
PUNISH YOU FOR THAT?

HE GAVE ME A PONY.

WHOA.

HE SAID I'D SHOWN
INGENUITY AND IMAGINATION.

WELL, I HAD, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IF I'D EVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

MY FATHER WOULD'VE TAKEN
ME OUT TO THE WOODSHED

AND SMOKED MY BEHIND BUT GOOD.

GEE, HE MUST'VE
REALLY HATED YOU.

NO, HE LOVED ME.

BUT HE GOT SO ANGRY.

WELL, YEAH, BUT
AFTER A COUPLE HOURS,

HE'D BE SAYING, "HEY, GEORGE,

YOU WANNA PLAY SOME CATCH?"

AND YOU'D GO PLAY WITH HIM,

AND EVERYTHING
WOULD BE FINE AGAIN?

WELL, FIRST I'D THROW THE
BALL OVER HIS HEAD A FEW TIMES.

MAKE HIM CHASE IT.

AND THEN EVERYTHING
WOULD BE FINE.

GEORGE.

COULD I HAVE THAT
EXTRA BASKETBALL TICKET?

I HAVE SOMEBODY I
WANT TO GIVE IT TO.

SURE.

AND TELL JOANNA

I HAD TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE.

WHERE SHALL I TELL HER YOU WENT?

TO THE WOODSHED.

YOU MISSED A SPOT.

I DIDN'T MISS A SPOT.
THIS IS CHEAP PAINT.

OH. THEN I GUESS YOU'D
BETTER GIVE IT A SECOND COAT

WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.

WELP, I'D BETTER PICK
UP SOME BREWSKIS.

GUYS ARE COMING OVER TO WATCH
THE CELTICS GAME THIS AFTERNOON.

I HAD TICKETS TO THAT GAME.

LOOKS LIKE YOU PAID
FOR THE WRONG TICKETS.

WRONG TICKETS, HUH?

HI.

HI, STEPHANIE. WHAT'RE
YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I THOUGHT I'D JUST...
YOU KNOW, DROP IN

AND SAY HI.

SEE IF YOU NEEDED ANYTHING.

POSSIBLY THROW
MYSELF AT YOUR FEET

AND BEG YOU TO PLEASE,
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

FORGIVE ME.

OH.

SHOULD... SHOULD
THIS BE MAKING SENSE?

DICK.

DO YOU REMEMBER

WHEN YOU AND JOANNA WENT TO THAT

WRITERS' CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK?

AND YOU TOOK HER CAR?

YEAH.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T TAKE YOUR CAR.

SORRY, I DIDN'T TAKE... MY CAR.

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I DID.

TRY ME.

I BORROWED YOUR CAR.

AH.

AND... THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT SOME PARKING TICKETS.

AH.

WHY... WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY THEM?

I WAS GOING TO.

BUT THERE WAS A SERIES
OF MONETARY DISASTERS.

OH.

LIKE... LIKE WHAT?

WELL, MY HAIRDRYER DIED.

AND I HAD AN OVERDUE PHONE BILL.

YOU HAVE TO PAY
THOSE, OR YOU CAN GET

IN REALLY BIG TROUBLE.

REALLY.

YEAH.

AND... AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,

CALLUM'S HAD THIS
HUGE SWEATER SALE.

A SWEATER SALE
IS NOT A DISASTER.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN

IF I HADN'T GOTTEN
THIS PURPLE ONE.

LET... LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU... YOU BORROWED MY CAR,

RAN UP SOME TICKETS,

DIDN'T PAY THEM. DIDN'T
BOTHER TO TELL ME.

LET ME TAKE THE WRAP
SO I'M STANDING HERE

IN THIS SILLY JUMPSUIT

AND MISSING THE BASKETBALL GAME

OF THE CENTURY?

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE
TAKING IT LIKE THIS.

I WAS AFRAID YOU
WERE GOING TO YELL.

I'M TOO MAD TO YELL!

WELL, THAT'S SURE A RELIEF.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?

I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU!

BUT YOU WERE SO MAD.

YOU HAD THIS LOOK IN YOUR EYE...

THAT'S THE ONE.

AND THE LONGER I
WAITED, THE HARDER IT GOT.

THAT IS NO EXCUSE.

WELL, IT WOULD BE A LOT
EASIER FOR A PERSON TO DO

THE DECENT THING IF THEY
MADE IT MORE FUN, YOU KNOW.

STEPHANIE, DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA THE TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED?

I BUSHWHACKED THE JUDGE.

I'M GOING TO TELL HIM
EVERYTHING ON MONDAY.

AND, HERE.

YOU CAN STILL MAKE THE GAME.

NO, I CAN'T.

IF JUDGE DRAYTON
FINDS OUT I LEFT HERE,

HE'LL SENTENCE ME TO...

15 YEARS IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

OH.

WELL.

I GUESS IF ANYONE HAS
TO PAINT THIS PLACE,

IT SHOULD BE... SOMEONE ELSE.

LIKE WHO?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL PAINT IT FOR YOU.

BUT IT'S NOT FAIR.

GEORGE GOT TO PLAY CATCH.

I'D ASK.

BUT THAT MEANS THAT
I... I HAVE A TIPOFF...

TO MISS.

DICK?

DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]