Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 9 - Happy Trails to You - full transcript
Dick is sued for $500,000 when another author accuses him of plagiarism.
♪♪ [THEME]
UH-OH.
HERE'S ANOTHER NEW WORD I
CAN LOOK UP. "MELLIFLUOUS."
WHEN DID YOU START
LOOKING UP WORDS, GEORGE?
REMEMBER LAST WEEK
WHEN MY FRIEND DUTCH
HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT?
I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, AND
THEY SAID HE WAS IN THE SOLARIUM.
WELL, A COLD CHILL
WENT UP MY SPINE.
I SAID, "OH LORD, DUTCH
HAS LOST HIS MIND."
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE
SOLARIUM TURNED OUT TO BE?
A SUN-ROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THAT
DUTCH WAS JUST GETTING A TAN,
I... I WOULDN'T'VE RUN
SCREAMING DOWN THE HALL.
I LOOKED STRANGE, DICK.
THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED, FROM
NOW ON, I'M GONNA LOOK UP
ALL THE WORDS I DON'T KNOW.
OOH, MY MARMALADE'S
TOUCHING MY EGGS.
I HATE THAT. I HATE
IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.
DON'T YOU THINK
STEPHANIE IS BEING
A LITTLE TOO FASTIDIOUS?
"HAVING HIGH STANDARDS."
I LOOKED THAT UP
YESTERDAY, DICK.
YOU KEEP IT UP, YOU'RE GONNA
BE A REGULAR THESAURUS.
BE RIGHT BACK.
DICK. OH, HI, JOANNA.
HI, MICHAEL.
DICK, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
QUESTION FOR YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT?
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
NO, PIE.
GEE, I REALLY THOUGHT
I HAD THAT ONE.
- WHY... WHY PIE?
- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I TOLD
THE PIE BAKE-OFF COMMITTEE,
AND I MADE YOU HEAD JUDGE.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO BE A JUDGE.
WHO DOES?
BUT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
TO PUBLICIZE YOUR SHOW.
LOOK, MICHAEL, I...
THAT'S NOT THE IMAGE
I WANT FOR THE SHOW.
IT'S NOT DIGNIFIED.
I MEAN, JUDGING PIES IS
NOT SOMETHING THAT, SAY,
EDWARD R. MURROW WOULD'VE DONE.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW
HE WOULD'VE, DICK.
NO, HE WOULDN'T.
YES, HE WOULD.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
DICK, WE CAN GO ROUND
AND ROUND WITH THIS ALL DAY.
THE POINT IS, DO MORE OF
THESE PROMOTIONAL-TYPE EVENTS,
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO ATTRACT
THE BIG NAMES TO VERMONT TODAY.
NOT SLEEPING PILLS LIKE THAT
WRITER WE'VE GOT SUNDAY.
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
- WHO?
- EXACTLY.
MICHAEL, CAN'T YOU GET
ME OUT OF THIS CONTEST?
IT'D BE A LOT EASIER IF
THEY'D ASKED FOR YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE, DICK, BUT...
YOU SORT OF VOLUNTEERED.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. AS
LONG AS I'M GETTING
WHAT I WANTED.
MICHAEL, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOUR VOICE.
- STEPHANIE, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M OKAY NOW BUT I HAD
- MARMALADE TOUCHING MY EGGS.
- OH, I HATE THAT.
- I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
HARLEY? HARLEY ESTIN?
HELLO, JOANNA.
- HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
- HELLO, HARLEY.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AT THE BEAVER LODGE.
YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T
WANT TO RUN THE RISK
OF OVER-BEAVERING.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.
I ALMOST DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU, HARLEY.
YOU LOOK REALLY
HANDSOME IN THAT SUIT.
WOW, THEN I'VE BEEN
HANDSOME FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
HOW'S THE... HOW'S
THE JOB HUNTING GOING?
PRETTY GOOD... I GOT ONE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WHEN DO YOU START?
WELL, I'M SORTA
DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
EXACTLY WHAT IS IT
YOU'RE DOING, HARLEY?
OH, I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
AND IT'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT.
HONEY, ISN'T THAT CUTE?
HE'S GOT A LITTLE SALES PITCH
AND EVERYTHING.
HERE IT IS.
THIS DOES HAVE MY NAME ON IT.
YEAH. IT'S A SUBPOENA.
WHAT?
- I'M BEING SUED.
- FOR WHAT?
I'LL TELL YOU AS
SOON AS I FIND OUT.
[HARLEY COUGHS]
WHAT IS IT, HARLEY?
WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO SELL
TICKETS TO THE BEAVER PICNIC.
AND, UH, I FIGURE, WELL,
TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE,
YOU KNOW?
HARLEY.
GO HOME.
OKAY.
I... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. I'M
BEING SUED FOR PLAGIARISM.
WHAT?
I FOUND OUT WHAT
"THESAURUS" MEANS.
WHAT'S TRANSPIRING
HERE, IF I'M NOT BEING
TOO MUCH OF A THESAURUS?
SOMEONE'S ACCUSING
DICK OF PLAGIARISM.
BE RIGHT BACK.
THEY SAY I STOLE
HOW TO SEAL, GROUT, AND PLUMB
YOUR WAY TO A DREAM BATHROOM.
WELL, THAT'S ABSURD.
DON'T GET EXCITED. THIS
HAPPENS TO WRITERS ALL THE TIME.
PROBABLY JUST SOME
POOR, PATHETIC, MISGUIDED...
THEY'RE SUING FOR
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
BLOODSUCKING LEECH.
NELSON, I NEVER
HEARD OF THIS GUY.
I NEVER READ HIS BOOK.
I MEAN, I THOUGHT
OF THIS MYSELF.
I TYPED IT MYSELF. I'M INNOCENT.
DICK, THIS IS ALL VERY USEFUL.
A LAWYER LOVES TO SEE
THIS KIND OF
CONVICTION IN THE CLIENT.
IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES,
FACING WHAT YOU'RE FACING,
I'D BE A QUIVERING
MASS OF NERVES.
YOU... YOU WOULD?
SEE, THAT'S WHAT
I HATE ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE A PERFECTLY
NICE, INNOCENT MAN.
AND THIS FARMER, WHITLEY
McVEIGH, COMES ALONG.
HE HASN'T WRITTEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
HE'S GOT NO CASE WHATSOEVER.
BUT BECAUSE HE'S
FINISHED WITH HIS PLOWING,
HE SLAPS A LAWSUIT ON
YOU. IT JUST GALLS ME, DICK.
I... I LOVE YOUR CONVICTION.
THE MAN IS A NUISANCE.
A NOBODY, A NOTHING.
A BLOODSUCKING LEECH, RIGHT.
DOESN'T DESERVE TO SHARE
THE SAME PLANET WITH YOU.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO
HANDLE A GUY LIKE THIS, DICK,
IS TO SETTLE.
DICK, SETTLING IS
THE ONLY WAY TO GO.
BUT... BUT I'M INNOCENT.
NO. YOU'RE COMING AT THIS
WITH A LAYMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
CONFUSING INNOCENT...
WITH NOT GUILTY.
I... I GUESS THEY'RE
LIGHT-YEARS APART.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, DICK.
SEE. WHAT YOU HAVE
HERE IS A LARGE WINDOW
OF VULNERABILITY.
AND I... I DON'T WANT THAT.
IF WE GO TO COURT ON THIS,
YOU STAND TO LOSE
EVERYTHING YOU OWN,
AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
IF WE SETTLE...
WE'LL MAKE THEM SORRY
THEY EVER STARTED UP WITH US.
DICK, DICK, I HATE IT, TOO.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW
WHY I STAY IN THIS PROFESSION.
IT'S PROBABLY THE MONEY.
YEAH, BUT I... I DON'T
WANT TO SETTLE.
I... I WANT TO FIGHT IT. I
WANT TO BE VINDICATED.
AND... AND I WANT TO
SEND WHITLEY McVEIGH
TO THE GAS CHAMBER.
DICK. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.
NOW, WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS HERE.
THE FIRST OPTION IS, WE SETTLE.
NOW, I ONCE GOT A REQUEST
FOR HALF A MILLION DOLLARS
KNOCKED DOWN TO $3500.
TURNS ALL THE GUY
WANTED WAS A SPEEDBOAT.
COULD HAPPEN HERE.
THE OTHER OPTION,
THE ONE THAT YOU SPOKE
SO ELOQUENTLY FOR,
WE GO TO COURT.
YOUR NAME IS DRAGGED
THROUGH THE MUD.
WE COULD END UP
PAYING THE HALF MILLION.
YOU'RE BRANDED FOR LIFE,
AND YOU NEVER GET
PUBLISHED AGAIN.
HECK. I'M FLEXIBLE ON THIS.
WHICH ONE SOUNDS GOOD TO YOU?
WELL, HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
NELSON'S MAKING SOME...
SOME PHONE CALLS.
WE'RE, UH, GOING TO SETTLE.
WHAT? DICK, YOU'RE INNOCENT.
I KNOW, BUT APPARENTLY I'M...
I'M NOT NOT GUILTY.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I THOUGHT THIS McVEIGH GUY
DOESN'T HAVE A CASE.
HE DOESN'T, BUT IT
SEEMS I HAVE THIS
BIG, VULNERABLE WINDOW.
HONEY, TRUST ME, GOING TO COURT
IS THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO.
DICK. THEY WON'T SETTLE.
WE GO TO COURT!
DICK?
DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
NO.
"DICK LOUDON SUED
FOR PLAGIARISM."
WHEN DID THEY
START USING RED INK?
ACTUALLY, HONEY,
THE STORY ITSELF
IS PRETTY IMPARTIAL.
CONTINUED ON
PAGE 6, SEE "THIEF."
WELL, THAT'S THE
LAST TIME I TAKE MY LIPS
TO PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.
WHAT?
I WAS BUYING LIP
LINER THIS MORNING,
AND THE PHARMACIST
WAS TELLING EVERYBODY
THAT HE'S NOT SURPRISED
YOU'RE A PLAGIARIST
BECAUSE HE ONCE SAW YOU
POCKET A ROLL OF LIFESAVERS.
ERNIE SAID THAT?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
I MEAN, FOR TWO YEARS
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING THERE.
WE EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
AND NEVER IN ALL THAT TIME
HAVE I ONCE MENTIONED THE FACT
THAT HE HAS A NOSE YOU
COULD OPEN CANS WITH.
I STOOD UP FOR YOU, DICK. I
TOLD HIM YOU WERE INNOCENT,
AND HE WAS PETTY, AND
HIS SELECTION OF LIP LINERS
WAS A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT,
AND I STORMED OUT.
SOUNDS YOU REALLY
CHOPPED HIM OFF AT THE KNEES.
- HI THERE.
- HI, MICHAEL.
STEPHANIE, YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL THIS MORNING.
EXCEPT FOR MY LIPS.
OH YES. THEY'RE UNLINED.
DICK, REMEMBER THAT
PIE-JUDGING CONTEST
YOU WERE SO DEAD-SET AGAINST.
PULLED SOME STRINGS.
GOT YOU OUT OF IT.
OH, AND THAT WRITER YOU
WERE IFFY ON, GABRIELLA PUDNEY?
86-ED.
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
NOTHING. JUST TRYING
TO KEEP YOU HAPPY, DICK.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I
WANTED TO JUDGE THE PIE CONTEST,
AND I DEMAND TO INTERVIEW
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
WELL...
YOU COULDN'T GET THE PIE
CONTEST NOW IF YOU BEGGED.
AND GABRIELLA CANCELED.
SHE SAID SHE WAS AFRAID
YOU MIGHT LOOT AND PILLAGE
HER LIFE'S WORK.
ARTICULATE GAL. WOULD'VE
MADE A FINE GUEST.
WHO IS DOING THE SHOW?
ACTUALLY, DICK. NOT YOU.
- WHAT?
- YOU MEAN DICK IS FIRED?
HE'S NOT EXACTLY FIRED,
JOANNA. MORE LIKE "ON LEAVE."
IN THE ARMY, PEOPLE
CLAMOR FOR THAT.
YEAH, BUT WHY IS
DICK OFF THE SHOW?
WELL, SOME OF THE
GUYS AT THE STATION...
NOT ME...
FEEL THAT A TELEVISION
HOST HAS TO BE WELCOME
IN THEIR LIVING ROOMS.
AND DICK WON'T BE
IF THEY'RE AFRAID HE
MIGHT STEAL AN ASHTRAY.
DICK HAS NEVER STOLEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
THIS WHOLE THING REALLY STINKS.
JOANNA, PLEASE. MICHAEL,
THIS WHOLE THING...
STINKS.
MICHAEL, I AM SEEING
A SIDE OF YOU THAT,
UP UNTIL NOW, I'VE
MANAGED TO IGNORE.
BUT IF THE MAN I LOVE CAN'T
SUPPORT MY GOOD FRIENDS,
THEN I'M JUST... UPSET.
STEPHANIE.
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK.
DON'T CALL ME.
DON'T TRY TO SEE ME.
AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN
GET TO ME BY SENDING ME GIFTS,
I GUESS I CAN'T STOP YOU.
GOOD TURNOUT.
OH, HERE COMES
THE OPPOSITION NOW.
THAT'S WHITLEY McVEIGH.
MM-HMM.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIM
A PIECE OF MY MIND.
NO. BAD FORM, DICK.
LOOK, THE REASON YOU HIRED ME
IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR WAY AROUND A COURTROOM.
I DO.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO
ANYTHING HERE WITHOUT MY SAY-SO.
I AM YOUR ONLY
FRIEND. YOU GOT THAT?
GOT IT.
HEY, ARLEEN!
THANKS FOR THE OPERA TICKETS.
THEY WERE JUST GREAT SEATS!
GLAD YOU COULD USE 'EM.
YOU... YOU WANT TO
ASK THEM TO SIT WITH US?
[HIGH-PITCHED] HI,
MY NAME IS CORKY.
HI, CORKY.
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND
I'D LIKE TO GO HOME WITH YOU,
AND I'D LIKE TO BRING
MY FRIEND MICHAEL,
BECAUSE HE'S A SWELL GUY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE READ THE
LETTER THAT WAS SENT TO YOU
BY MR. LOUDON'S PUBLISHER?
"DEAR MR. McVEIGH..."
"DEAR." HAH!
"THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING
'BATHROOM REPAIR'
"FOR OUR CONSIDERATION.
"UNFORTUNATELY, IT DOES NOT...
IT DOES NOT MEET OUR
NEEDS AT THE PRESENT TIME."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
IT'S JUST ANOTHER
FANCY-PANTS WAY OF SAYING
"TOUGH DARTS, FARMER."
MR. McVEIGH, TELL US.
WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT
MR. LOUDON'S DREAM
BATHROOM BOOK?
IT WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO.
I WENT INTO THE HARDWARE STORE,
AND I SAW THIS BOOK
WITH A FUNNY-LOOKING
GUY ON THE BACK COVER.
IT WAS HIM!
OBJECTION TO THE
CHARACTERIZATION
OF MY CLIENT AS FUNNY-LOOKING!
SUSTAINED.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, I BOUGHT THE BOOK.
IT WAS THE SAME TOPIC AS MINE.
HAD THE SAME NUMBER OF CHAPTERS.
SAME PUBLISHER. SAME EVERYTHING.
WELL, ABOUT A
WEEK LATER, IT HIT ME.
HE STOLE MY BOOK!
OBJECTION.
SUSTAINED.
YOUR WITNESS.
THANK YOU.
MR. McVEIGH.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT
A HALF MILLION DOLLARS
IS AN EXORBITANT
AMOUNT OF MONEY?
EXORBITANT?
EXCESSIVE. BEYOND REASON.
MR. UTLEY, LET ME ASK YOU.
WHY DOES MR. LOUDON REQUIRE
THE SERVICES OF A HANDYMAN?
UH, TO DO STUFF AROUND THE INN.
BUT MR. LOUDON IS A
HOW-TO EXPERT, ISN'T HE?
WHY DOESN'T HE DO STUFF
AROUND THE INN HIMSELF?
WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
I GUESS MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE
DICK ISN'T REAL HANDY.
OH, HE ISN'T?
NO, HE DOES KEEP SAYING,
"THOSE WHO CAN DO,
"AND THOSE WHO CAN'T WRITE BOOKS
"TELLING PEOPLE WHO DO
HOW TO DO THE
THINGS THEY DO DO."
I BELIEVE THAT EXPRESSION
IS BORROWED FROM
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW'S
"HE WHO CAN DOES, HE
WHO CANNOT TEACHES."
NOW, WAIT, I THINK THAT SHAW GUY
MUST'VE GOT THAT FROM DICK,
'CAUSE THAT HAS DICK
LOUDON WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
THANK YOU, MR. UTLEY.
MR. LOUDON, I'D LIKE
TO READ A LITTLE TO YOU,
IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
SURE.
DO YOU HAVE TREASURE ISLAND?
NO, BUT YOU SHOULD
STILL FIND IT INTERESTING
IF I'M READING FROM YOUR BOOK.
"TO CHANGE THE FAUCET HANDLE,
SIMPLY REMOVE BOTH SCREWS."
DO YOU REMEMBER WRITING THAT?
WELL, IT'S NOT MY
BEST STUFF, BUT UH...
HOW ABOUT,
"YOU SHOULD CHOOSE
THE SHOWERHEAD
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU."
GUILTY.
AND I HAVE ONE MORE.
"CLEAN THE TILE CAREFULLY
WITH A DAMP CLOTH."
SURE SOUNDS LIKE ME AGAIN.
YOUR HONOR, LET THE RECORD SHOW
THAT THE PASSAGES THAT
I HAVE JUST READ ALOUD,
WHICH MR. LOUDON
IDENTIFIED AS HIS OWN,
ARE FROM PAGES... 6, 14, AND 29
OF BATHROOM REPAIR,
WRITTEN BY MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
OH NO!
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
REDIRECT, YOUR HONOR?
DICK, I'M, UH...
TAKING A NEW TACK.
STAY WITH ME ON THIS.
MR. LOUDON.
IF YOU WANTED TO REMOVE
THE FAUCET HANDLES
IN THE BATHROOM,
WHAT'S THE FIRST
THING YOU WOULD DO?
UH, REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS.
AH. AH.
AND IF YOU WANTED
TO ADVISE SOMEONE
ON BUYING A NEW SHOWERHEAD,
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
THAT HE PICK ONE OUT THAT WAS,
SAY, WRONG FOR HIM?
NOT GENERALLY.
MOST PEOPLE ARE
HAPPIER WITH, SAY,
ONE THAT'S RIGHT FOR THEM.
AND WHAT'S THE BEST
WAY TO CLEAN TILE?
SEND IT OUT TO THE DRY CLEANERS?
OR YOU COULD RUN IT
THROUGH A CAR WASH.
ACTUALLY, THE BEST WAY IS
TO WIPE IT WITH A WET CLOTH.
SO WHEN YOU AND MR. McVEIGH
WERE WRITING THESE THINGS,
YOU WERE SIMPLY
REPORTING THE FACTS.
WITH A CAPITAL "F."
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS...
ANYONE COULD'VE
WRITTEN THAT BOOK.
WHAT... YOUR HONOR, I ASK YOU.
HOW CAN MR. LOUDON
HAVE STOLEN MATERIAL
WHICH HE HIMSELF ADMITS
COULD'VE BEEN
WRITTEN BY ANY FOOL?
NELSON... NELSON?
BY A CHILD OF SIX. BY A
MONKEY WITH A TYPEWRITER.
BY A CHILD WITH A MONKEY
WITH A TYPEWRITER.
BY MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
BY MR. DICK LOUDON.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
UH... OBJECTION.
YOU'RE OBJECTING TO
YOUR OWN ATTORNEY.
WELL, THEY CERTAINLY
AREN'T GOING TO OBJECT.
UH, YOUR HONOR, MAY I SPEAK?
YOU MAY.
OF COURSE, HOW-TO
BOOKS ON THE SAME SUBJECT
HAVE SIMILAR PASSAGES,
BUT I MEAN, HOW MANY
DIFFERENT WAYS ARE THERE TO SAY,
"REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS?"
REMOVE ONE SCREW,
THEN THE OTHER?
REMOVE BOTH SCREWS.
SEE THOSE SCREWS? TAKE 'EM OUT.
WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE? I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS.
UH, MAY I PLEASE HAVE
EXHIBIT "A" AND "B," PLEASE?
UH, I WOULD LIKE TO READ FROM
BATHROOM REPAIR
BY WHITLEY McVEIGH.
THIS IS THE FIRST
CHAPTER OF HIS BOOK.
"ANYONE WHO HAS A BATHROOM
"KNOWS THAT IT NEEDS FIXING.
"THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU FIX IT.
BUT YOU'LL NEED TOOLS, TOO."
COMPETENT, I GRANT YOU.
NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IN MY BOOK.
"IMAGINE COLORS.
"SMOOTH AND RESTFUL.
"AN OASIS OF SHIMMERING WATER.
"DEEP AND COOL.
"PLANTS OF LUSCIOUS GREEN
"WITH BURSTING FLOWERS.
"THE MIRROR'S BOUNCING IMAGES
"WITH MAGICIAN'S QUICKNESS
"BEFORE YOUR EYES.
"THESE WORDS ONLY
BEGIN TO SUGGEST
WHAT COULD BE YOUR
DREAM BATHROOM."
THESE WORDS... ARE MY WORDS.
THAT'S LOVELY.
THANK YOU, MR. LOUDON.
I THINK WE CAN DISPENSE
WITH THE CLOSING ARGUMENTS.
I AM PREPARED TO RULE.
IN MY OPINION,
MR. LOUDON'S WRITING IS UNIQUE.
CLOYING... BUT UNIQUE.
THAT NONE OF HIS
BOOK WAS DERIVED
FROM MR. McVEIGH'S MANUSCRIPT.
I FIND FOR THE DEFENDANT.
COURT ADJOURNED.
WELL, DICK. WE SURE SHOWED THEM.
ARLEEN. YOU BUSY FOR DINNER?
NO.
OH, HONEY. OH.
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU'D WIN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH, THEY DECLARED
THE BOOK MINE AND BAD.
WELL, I JUST HOPE THAT SHAW
GUY DOESN'T HEAR ABOUT THIS.
WE COULD BE BACK HERE IN A WEEK.
DICK, I'M AWFULLY GLAD
THINGS TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
I... I ALWAYS KNEW THEY WOULD.
IN VIEW OF THIS VERDICT,
I'M OFFICIALLY AUTHORIZED
TO INVITE YOU BACK INTO
THE VERMONT TODAY FAMILY.
I HOPE WE CAN LET
BYGONES BE BYGONES.
WELL, MICHAEL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU BEHAVED RATHER
BADLY, AND I REALLY...
COME ON, DICK.
OH... ALL RIGHT, I FORGIVE YOU.
WELL, SHOULD WE GO HOME?
NO, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S GO DOWN TO
THE HARDWARE STORE
AND SEE IF THEY GOT
ANY OF YOUR BOOKS.
I STILL SAY YOU STOLE MY BOOK.
TOUGH DARTS, FARMER.
♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]
UH-OH.
HERE'S ANOTHER NEW WORD I
CAN LOOK UP. "MELLIFLUOUS."
WHEN DID YOU START
LOOKING UP WORDS, GEORGE?
REMEMBER LAST WEEK
WHEN MY FRIEND DUTCH
HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT?
I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, AND
THEY SAID HE WAS IN THE SOLARIUM.
WELL, A COLD CHILL
WENT UP MY SPINE.
I SAID, "OH LORD, DUTCH
HAS LOST HIS MIND."
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE
SOLARIUM TURNED OUT TO BE?
A SUN-ROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THAT
DUTCH WAS JUST GETTING A TAN,
I... I WOULDN'T'VE RUN
SCREAMING DOWN THE HALL.
I LOOKED STRANGE, DICK.
THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED, FROM
NOW ON, I'M GONNA LOOK UP
ALL THE WORDS I DON'T KNOW.
OOH, MY MARMALADE'S
TOUCHING MY EGGS.
I HATE THAT. I HATE
IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT.
DON'T YOU THINK
STEPHANIE IS BEING
A LITTLE TOO FASTIDIOUS?
"HAVING HIGH STANDARDS."
I LOOKED THAT UP
YESTERDAY, DICK.
YOU KEEP IT UP, YOU'RE GONNA
BE A REGULAR THESAURUS.
BE RIGHT BACK.
DICK. OH, HI, JOANNA.
HI, MICHAEL.
DICK, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
QUESTION FOR YOU.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DESSERT?
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.
NO, PIE.
GEE, I REALLY THOUGHT
I HAD THAT ONE.
- WHY... WHY PIE?
- BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I TOLD
THE PIE BAKE-OFF COMMITTEE,
AND I MADE YOU HEAD JUDGE.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO BE A JUDGE.
WHO DOES?
BUT THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
TO PUBLICIZE YOUR SHOW.
LOOK, MICHAEL, I...
THAT'S NOT THE IMAGE
I WANT FOR THE SHOW.
IT'S NOT DIGNIFIED.
I MEAN, JUDGING PIES IS
NOT SOMETHING THAT, SAY,
EDWARD R. MURROW WOULD'VE DONE.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW
HE WOULD'VE, DICK.
NO, HE WOULDN'T.
YES, HE WOULD.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
DICK, WE CAN GO ROUND
AND ROUND WITH THIS ALL DAY.
THE POINT IS, DO MORE OF
THESE PROMOTIONAL-TYPE EVENTS,
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO ATTRACT
THE BIG NAMES TO VERMONT TODAY.
NOT SLEEPING PILLS LIKE THAT
WRITER WE'VE GOT SUNDAY.
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
- WHO?
- EXACTLY.
MICHAEL, CAN'T YOU GET
ME OUT OF THIS CONTEST?
IT'D BE A LOT EASIER IF
THEY'D ASKED FOR YOU
IN THE FIRST PLACE, DICK, BUT...
YOU SORT OF VOLUNTEERED.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. AS
LONG AS I'M GETTING
WHAT I WANTED.
MICHAEL, I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOUR VOICE.
- STEPHANIE, HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M OKAY NOW BUT I HAD
- MARMALADE TOUCHING MY EGGS.
- OH, I HATE THAT.
- I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
HARLEY? HARLEY ESTIN?
HELLO, JOANNA.
- HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
- HELLO, HARLEY.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AT THE BEAVER LODGE.
YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T
WANT TO RUN THE RISK
OF OVER-BEAVERING.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.
I ALMOST DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU, HARLEY.
YOU LOOK REALLY
HANDSOME IN THAT SUIT.
WOW, THEN I'VE BEEN
HANDSOME FOR THREE DAYS NOW.
HOW'S THE... HOW'S
THE JOB HUNTING GOING?
PRETTY GOOD... I GOT ONE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WHEN DO YOU START?
WELL, I'M SORTA
DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
EXACTLY WHAT IS IT
YOU'RE DOING, HARLEY?
OH, I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.
AND IT'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT.
HONEY, ISN'T THAT CUTE?
HE'S GOT A LITTLE SALES PITCH
AND EVERYTHING.
HERE IT IS.
THIS DOES HAVE MY NAME ON IT.
YEAH. IT'S A SUBPOENA.
WHAT?
- I'M BEING SUED.
- FOR WHAT?
I'LL TELL YOU AS
SOON AS I FIND OUT.
[HARLEY COUGHS]
WHAT IS IT, HARLEY?
WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO SELL
TICKETS TO THE BEAVER PICNIC.
AND, UH, I FIGURE, WELL,
TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE,
YOU KNOW?
HARLEY.
GO HOME.
OKAY.
I... I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. I'M
BEING SUED FOR PLAGIARISM.
WHAT?
I FOUND OUT WHAT
"THESAURUS" MEANS.
WHAT'S TRANSPIRING
HERE, IF I'M NOT BEING
TOO MUCH OF A THESAURUS?
SOMEONE'S ACCUSING
DICK OF PLAGIARISM.
BE RIGHT BACK.
THEY SAY I STOLE
HOW TO SEAL, GROUT, AND PLUMB
YOUR WAY TO A DREAM BATHROOM.
WELL, THAT'S ABSURD.
DON'T GET EXCITED. THIS
HAPPENS TO WRITERS ALL THE TIME.
PROBABLY JUST SOME
POOR, PATHETIC, MISGUIDED...
THEY'RE SUING FOR
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
BLOODSUCKING LEECH.
NELSON, I NEVER
HEARD OF THIS GUY.
I NEVER READ HIS BOOK.
I MEAN, I THOUGHT
OF THIS MYSELF.
I TYPED IT MYSELF. I'M INNOCENT.
DICK, THIS IS ALL VERY USEFUL.
A LAWYER LOVES TO SEE
THIS KIND OF
CONVICTION IN THE CLIENT.
IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES,
FACING WHAT YOU'RE FACING,
I'D BE A QUIVERING
MASS OF NERVES.
YOU... YOU WOULD?
SEE, THAT'S WHAT
I HATE ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE A PERFECTLY
NICE, INNOCENT MAN.
AND THIS FARMER, WHITLEY
McVEIGH, COMES ALONG.
HE HASN'T WRITTEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
HE'S GOT NO CASE WHATSOEVER.
BUT BECAUSE HE'S
FINISHED WITH HIS PLOWING,
HE SLAPS A LAWSUIT ON
YOU. IT JUST GALLS ME, DICK.
I... I LOVE YOUR CONVICTION.
THE MAN IS A NUISANCE.
A NOBODY, A NOTHING.
A BLOODSUCKING LEECH, RIGHT.
DOESN'T DESERVE TO SHARE
THE SAME PLANET WITH YOU.
AND THE ONLY WAY TO
HANDLE A GUY LIKE THIS, DICK,
IS TO SETTLE.
DICK, SETTLING IS
THE ONLY WAY TO GO.
BUT... BUT I'M INNOCENT.
NO. YOU'RE COMING AT THIS
WITH A LAYMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
CONFUSING INNOCENT...
WITH NOT GUILTY.
I... I GUESS THEY'RE
LIGHT-YEARS APART.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, DICK.
SEE. WHAT YOU HAVE
HERE IS A LARGE WINDOW
OF VULNERABILITY.
AND I... I DON'T WANT THAT.
IF WE GO TO COURT ON THIS,
YOU STAND TO LOSE
EVERYTHING YOU OWN,
AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
IF WE SETTLE...
WE'LL MAKE THEM SORRY
THEY EVER STARTED UP WITH US.
DICK, DICK, I HATE IT, TOO.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW
WHY I STAY IN THIS PROFESSION.
IT'S PROBABLY THE MONEY.
YEAH, BUT I... I DON'T
WANT TO SETTLE.
I... I WANT TO FIGHT IT. I
WANT TO BE VINDICATED.
AND... AND I WANT TO
SEND WHITLEY McVEIGH
TO THE GAS CHAMBER.
DICK. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.
NOW, WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS HERE.
THE FIRST OPTION IS, WE SETTLE.
NOW, I ONCE GOT A REQUEST
FOR HALF A MILLION DOLLARS
KNOCKED DOWN TO $3500.
TURNS ALL THE GUY
WANTED WAS A SPEEDBOAT.
COULD HAPPEN HERE.
THE OTHER OPTION,
THE ONE THAT YOU SPOKE
SO ELOQUENTLY FOR,
WE GO TO COURT.
YOUR NAME IS DRAGGED
THROUGH THE MUD.
WE COULD END UP
PAYING THE HALF MILLION.
YOU'RE BRANDED FOR LIFE,
AND YOU NEVER GET
PUBLISHED AGAIN.
HECK. I'M FLEXIBLE ON THIS.
WHICH ONE SOUNDS GOOD TO YOU?
WELL, HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
NELSON'S MAKING SOME...
SOME PHONE CALLS.
WE'RE, UH, GOING TO SETTLE.
WHAT? DICK, YOU'RE INNOCENT.
I KNOW, BUT APPARENTLY I'M...
I'M NOT NOT GUILTY.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I THOUGHT THIS McVEIGH GUY
DOESN'T HAVE A CASE.
HE DOESN'T, BUT IT
SEEMS I HAVE THIS
BIG, VULNERABLE WINDOW.
HONEY, TRUST ME, GOING TO COURT
IS THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO.
DICK. THEY WON'T SETTLE.
WE GO TO COURT!
DICK?
DICK, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?
NO.
"DICK LOUDON SUED
FOR PLAGIARISM."
WHEN DID THEY
START USING RED INK?
ACTUALLY, HONEY,
THE STORY ITSELF
IS PRETTY IMPARTIAL.
CONTINUED ON
PAGE 6, SEE "THIEF."
WELL, THAT'S THE
LAST TIME I TAKE MY LIPS
TO PETERSON'S DRUGS AND STUFF.
WHAT?
I WAS BUYING LIP
LINER THIS MORNING,
AND THE PHARMACIST
WAS TELLING EVERYBODY
THAT HE'S NOT SURPRISED
YOU'RE A PLAGIARIST
BECAUSE HE ONCE SAW YOU
POCKET A ROLL OF LIFESAVERS.
ERNIE SAID THAT?
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?
I MEAN, FOR TWO YEARS
I'VE BEEN SHOPPING THERE.
WE EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
AND NEVER IN ALL THAT TIME
HAVE I ONCE MENTIONED THE FACT
THAT HE HAS A NOSE YOU
COULD OPEN CANS WITH.
I STOOD UP FOR YOU, DICK. I
TOLD HIM YOU WERE INNOCENT,
AND HE WAS PETTY, AND
HIS SELECTION OF LIP LINERS
WAS A MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT,
AND I STORMED OUT.
SOUNDS YOU REALLY
CHOPPED HIM OFF AT THE KNEES.
- HI THERE.
- HI, MICHAEL.
STEPHANIE, YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL THIS MORNING.
EXCEPT FOR MY LIPS.
OH YES. THEY'RE UNLINED.
DICK, REMEMBER THAT
PIE-JUDGING CONTEST
YOU WERE SO DEAD-SET AGAINST.
PULLED SOME STRINGS.
GOT YOU OUT OF IT.
OH, AND THAT WRITER YOU
WERE IFFY ON, GABRIELLA PUDNEY?
86-ED.
MICHAEL.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
NOTHING. JUST TRYING
TO KEEP YOU HAPPY, DICK.
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I
WANTED TO JUDGE THE PIE CONTEST,
AND I DEMAND TO INTERVIEW
GABRIELLA PUDNEY.
WELL...
YOU COULDN'T GET THE PIE
CONTEST NOW IF YOU BEGGED.
AND GABRIELLA CANCELED.
SHE SAID SHE WAS AFRAID
YOU MIGHT LOOT AND PILLAGE
HER LIFE'S WORK.
ARTICULATE GAL. WOULD'VE
MADE A FINE GUEST.
WHO IS DOING THE SHOW?
ACTUALLY, DICK. NOT YOU.
- WHAT?
- YOU MEAN DICK IS FIRED?
HE'S NOT EXACTLY FIRED,
JOANNA. MORE LIKE "ON LEAVE."
IN THE ARMY, PEOPLE
CLAMOR FOR THAT.
YEAH, BUT WHY IS
DICK OFF THE SHOW?
WELL, SOME OF THE
GUYS AT THE STATION...
NOT ME...
FEEL THAT A TELEVISION
HOST HAS TO BE WELCOME
IN THEIR LIVING ROOMS.
AND DICK WON'T BE
IF THEY'RE AFRAID HE
MIGHT STEAL AN ASHTRAY.
DICK HAS NEVER STOLEN
ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE.
THIS WHOLE THING REALLY STINKS.
JOANNA, PLEASE. MICHAEL,
THIS WHOLE THING...
STINKS.
MICHAEL, I AM SEEING
A SIDE OF YOU THAT,
UP UNTIL NOW, I'VE
MANAGED TO IGNORE.
BUT IF THE MAN I LOVE CAN'T
SUPPORT MY GOOD FRIENDS,
THEN I'M JUST... UPSET.
STEPHANIE.
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK.
DON'T CALL ME.
DON'T TRY TO SEE ME.
AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN
GET TO ME BY SENDING ME GIFTS,
I GUESS I CAN'T STOP YOU.
GOOD TURNOUT.
OH, HERE COMES
THE OPPOSITION NOW.
THAT'S WHITLEY McVEIGH.
MM-HMM.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE HIM
A PIECE OF MY MIND.
NO. BAD FORM, DICK.
LOOK, THE REASON YOU HIRED ME
IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR WAY AROUND A COURTROOM.
I DO.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO
ANYTHING HERE WITHOUT MY SAY-SO.
I AM YOUR ONLY
FRIEND. YOU GOT THAT?
GOT IT.
HEY, ARLEEN!
THANKS FOR THE OPERA TICKETS.
THEY WERE JUST GREAT SEATS!
GLAD YOU COULD USE 'EM.
YOU... YOU WANT TO
ASK THEM TO SIT WITH US?
[HIGH-PITCHED] HI,
MY NAME IS CORKY.
HI, CORKY.
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND
I'D LIKE TO GO HOME WITH YOU,
AND I'D LIKE TO BRING
MY FRIEND MICHAEL,
BECAUSE HE'S A SWELL GUY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE READ THE
LETTER THAT WAS SENT TO YOU
BY MR. LOUDON'S PUBLISHER?
"DEAR MR. McVEIGH..."
"DEAR." HAH!
"THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING
'BATHROOM REPAIR'
"FOR OUR CONSIDERATION.
"UNFORTUNATELY, IT DOES NOT...
IT DOES NOT MEET OUR
NEEDS AT THE PRESENT TIME."
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
IT'S JUST ANOTHER
FANCY-PANTS WAY OF SAYING
"TOUGH DARTS, FARMER."
MR. McVEIGH, TELL US.
WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT
MR. LOUDON'S DREAM
BATHROOM BOOK?
IT WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO.
I WENT INTO THE HARDWARE STORE,
AND I SAW THIS BOOK
WITH A FUNNY-LOOKING
GUY ON THE BACK COVER.
IT WAS HIM!
OBJECTION TO THE
CHARACTERIZATION
OF MY CLIENT AS FUNNY-LOOKING!
SUSTAINED.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, I BOUGHT THE BOOK.
IT WAS THE SAME TOPIC AS MINE.
HAD THE SAME NUMBER OF CHAPTERS.
SAME PUBLISHER. SAME EVERYTHING.
WELL, ABOUT A
WEEK LATER, IT HIT ME.
HE STOLE MY BOOK!
OBJECTION.
SUSTAINED.
YOUR WITNESS.
THANK YOU.
MR. McVEIGH.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT
A HALF MILLION DOLLARS
IS AN EXORBITANT
AMOUNT OF MONEY?
EXORBITANT?
EXCESSIVE. BEYOND REASON.
MR. UTLEY, LET ME ASK YOU.
WHY DOES MR. LOUDON REQUIRE
THE SERVICES OF A HANDYMAN?
UH, TO DO STUFF AROUND THE INN.
BUT MR. LOUDON IS A
HOW-TO EXPERT, ISN'T HE?
WHY DOESN'T HE DO STUFF
AROUND THE INN HIMSELF?
WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
I GUESS MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE
DICK ISN'T REAL HANDY.
OH, HE ISN'T?
NO, HE DOES KEEP SAYING,
"THOSE WHO CAN DO,
"AND THOSE WHO CAN'T WRITE BOOKS
"TELLING PEOPLE WHO DO
HOW TO DO THE
THINGS THEY DO DO."
I BELIEVE THAT EXPRESSION
IS BORROWED FROM
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW'S
"HE WHO CAN DOES, HE
WHO CANNOT TEACHES."
NOW, WAIT, I THINK THAT SHAW GUY
MUST'VE GOT THAT FROM DICK,
'CAUSE THAT HAS DICK
LOUDON WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
THANK YOU, MR. UTLEY.
MR. LOUDON, I'D LIKE
TO READ A LITTLE TO YOU,
IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
SURE.
DO YOU HAVE TREASURE ISLAND?
NO, BUT YOU SHOULD
STILL FIND IT INTERESTING
IF I'M READING FROM YOUR BOOK.
"TO CHANGE THE FAUCET HANDLE,
SIMPLY REMOVE BOTH SCREWS."
DO YOU REMEMBER WRITING THAT?
WELL, IT'S NOT MY
BEST STUFF, BUT UH...
HOW ABOUT,
"YOU SHOULD CHOOSE
THE SHOWERHEAD
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU."
GUILTY.
AND I HAVE ONE MORE.
"CLEAN THE TILE CAREFULLY
WITH A DAMP CLOTH."
SURE SOUNDS LIKE ME AGAIN.
YOUR HONOR, LET THE RECORD SHOW
THAT THE PASSAGES THAT
I HAVE JUST READ ALOUD,
WHICH MR. LOUDON
IDENTIFIED AS HIS OWN,
ARE FROM PAGES... 6, 14, AND 29
OF BATHROOM REPAIR,
WRITTEN BY MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
OH NO!
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
REDIRECT, YOUR HONOR?
DICK, I'M, UH...
TAKING A NEW TACK.
STAY WITH ME ON THIS.
MR. LOUDON.
IF YOU WANTED TO REMOVE
THE FAUCET HANDLES
IN THE BATHROOM,
WHAT'S THE FIRST
THING YOU WOULD DO?
UH, REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS.
AH. AH.
AND IF YOU WANTED
TO ADVISE SOMEONE
ON BUYING A NEW SHOWERHEAD,
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
THAT HE PICK ONE OUT THAT WAS,
SAY, WRONG FOR HIM?
NOT GENERALLY.
MOST PEOPLE ARE
HAPPIER WITH, SAY,
ONE THAT'S RIGHT FOR THEM.
AND WHAT'S THE BEST
WAY TO CLEAN TILE?
SEND IT OUT TO THE DRY CLEANERS?
OR YOU COULD RUN IT
THROUGH A CAR WASH.
ACTUALLY, THE BEST WAY IS
TO WIPE IT WITH A WET CLOTH.
SO WHEN YOU AND MR. McVEIGH
WERE WRITING THESE THINGS,
YOU WERE SIMPLY
REPORTING THE FACTS.
WITH A CAPITAL "F."
WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING IS...
ANYONE COULD'VE
WRITTEN THAT BOOK.
WHAT... YOUR HONOR, I ASK YOU.
HOW CAN MR. LOUDON
HAVE STOLEN MATERIAL
WHICH HE HIMSELF ADMITS
COULD'VE BEEN
WRITTEN BY ANY FOOL?
NELSON... NELSON?
BY A CHILD OF SIX. BY A
MONKEY WITH A TYPEWRITER.
BY A CHILD WITH A MONKEY
WITH A TYPEWRITER.
BY MR. WHITLEY McVEIGH.
BY MR. DICK LOUDON.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
UH... OBJECTION.
YOU'RE OBJECTING TO
YOUR OWN ATTORNEY.
WELL, THEY CERTAINLY
AREN'T GOING TO OBJECT.
UH, YOUR HONOR, MAY I SPEAK?
YOU MAY.
OF COURSE, HOW-TO
BOOKS ON THE SAME SUBJECT
HAVE SIMILAR PASSAGES,
BUT I MEAN, HOW MANY
DIFFERENT WAYS ARE THERE TO SAY,
"REMOVE THE TWO SCREWS?"
REMOVE ONE SCREW,
THEN THE OTHER?
REMOVE BOTH SCREWS.
SEE THOSE SCREWS? TAKE 'EM OUT.
WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE? I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS.
UH, MAY I PLEASE HAVE
EXHIBIT "A" AND "B," PLEASE?
UH, I WOULD LIKE TO READ FROM
BATHROOM REPAIR
BY WHITLEY McVEIGH.
THIS IS THE FIRST
CHAPTER OF HIS BOOK.
"ANYONE WHO HAS A BATHROOM
"KNOWS THAT IT NEEDS FIXING.
"THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU FIX IT.
BUT YOU'LL NEED TOOLS, TOO."
COMPETENT, I GRANT YOU.
NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IN MY BOOK.
"IMAGINE COLORS.
"SMOOTH AND RESTFUL.
"AN OASIS OF SHIMMERING WATER.
"DEEP AND COOL.
"PLANTS OF LUSCIOUS GREEN
"WITH BURSTING FLOWERS.
"THE MIRROR'S BOUNCING IMAGES
"WITH MAGICIAN'S QUICKNESS
"BEFORE YOUR EYES.
"THESE WORDS ONLY
BEGIN TO SUGGEST
WHAT COULD BE YOUR
DREAM BATHROOM."
THESE WORDS... ARE MY WORDS.
THAT'S LOVELY.
THANK YOU, MR. LOUDON.
I THINK WE CAN DISPENSE
WITH THE CLOSING ARGUMENTS.
I AM PREPARED TO RULE.
IN MY OPINION,
MR. LOUDON'S WRITING IS UNIQUE.
CLOYING... BUT UNIQUE.
THAT NONE OF HIS
BOOK WAS DERIVED
FROM MR. McVEIGH'S MANUSCRIPT.
I FIND FOR THE DEFENDANT.
COURT ADJOURNED.
WELL, DICK. WE SURE SHOWED THEM.
ARLEEN. YOU BUSY FOR DINNER?
NO.
OH, HONEY. OH.
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU'D WIN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH, THEY DECLARED
THE BOOK MINE AND BAD.
WELL, I JUST HOPE THAT SHAW
GUY DOESN'T HEAR ABOUT THIS.
WE COULD BE BACK HERE IN A WEEK.
DICK, I'M AWFULLY GLAD
THINGS TURNED OUT THIS WAY.
I... I ALWAYS KNEW THEY WOULD.
IN VIEW OF THIS VERDICT,
I'M OFFICIALLY AUTHORIZED
TO INVITE YOU BACK INTO
THE VERMONT TODAY FAMILY.
I HOPE WE CAN LET
BYGONES BE BYGONES.
WELL, MICHAEL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU BEHAVED RATHER
BADLY, AND I REALLY...
COME ON, DICK.
OH... ALL RIGHT, I FORGIVE YOU.
WELL, SHOULD WE GO HOME?
NO, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S GO DOWN TO
THE HARDWARE STORE
AND SEE IF THEY GOT
ANY OF YOUR BOOKS.
I STILL SAY YOU STOLE MY BOOK.
TOUGH DARTS, FARMER.
♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]