Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 20 - R.I.P. Off - full transcript
BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
DICK, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DIE.
GEORGE, I'M NOT PLAYING
THAT STUPID GAME.
OH, COME ON, DICK.
ALL THE BEAVERS ARE PLAYING.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD
REASON WHY YOU WON'T.
ALL THE BEAVERS ARE PLAYING.
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
IT'S BEAVER HUNT WEEK, JOANNA.
YOU SURPRISE A FELLOW BEAVER
AND SAY, "BANG,
BANG, YOU'RE DEAD,"
AND WHATEVER HE'S DOING,
HE'S GOT TO SCREAM,
CLUTCH HIS CHEST,
FALL DOWN, AND PRETEND TO DIE.
AND, DICK, YOU'RE NOT PLAYING?
I GUESS I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.
I KNEW THAT WHEN YOU DROPPED
OUT OF THE SPIT-FOR-DISTANCE CONTEST.
HI, HARLEY.
HEY, JOANNA.
HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
HARLEY, IF YOU'VE COME OVER
HERE TO SHOOT ME, FORGET IT.
I'M NOT PLAYING.
HAVE NO FEAR.
I WOULDN'T SHOOT SOMEBODY
I'M ABOUT TO HIT UP FOR A JOB.
OH, HARLEY, YOU
LOST ANOTHER ONE?
YEAH, I WAS WORKING
AT THE CARWASH,
AND MANAGER'S WIFE
WAS INSPECTING THE PLACE,
AND I ACCIDENTALLY
HOT WAXED HER.
I TRIED TO WASH IT OFF,
BUT IT KEPT BEADING UP.
HARLEY, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T
HAVE ANY JOBS RIGHT NOW.
OH. WELL, I'LL JUST KEEP
COMING BY EVERY DAY
TO SEE IF AN OPENING
HAS INDEED OCCURRED.
BEFORE YOU TIE
YOURSELF TO THAT ROUTINE,
WHY DON'T WE CHECK
TODAY'S CLASSIFIEDS.
OH, HERE'S A NEW LISTING.
"WANTED: HOT WAX OPERATOR."
SORRY, HARLEY.
OH, HERE'S A NEW ONE.
"GO GETTER WANTED FOR
HIGH-PAYING SALES POSITION."
THERE'S A PHONE NUMBER.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL?
I'M NOT TOO GOOD ON THE PHONE.
I'M MUCH BETTER UP
CLOSE AND PERSONAL.
NO, I'LL JUST KEEP COMING
BY HERE EVERY DAY.
WHY DON'T...
WHY DON'T I MAKE
THE CALL FOR YOU?
OH, GEE, THANKS, DICK.
AND TELL THEM I'M
REAL GOOD AT SALES,
UNLESS OF COURSE
IT'S TELEPHONE SALES.
UH, HELLO, WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?
UH, MR. DEVORE.
YES, I'M CALLING FOR A
FRIEND ABOUT YOUR AD.
GO GETTER, YOU BET.
WHY AM I CALLING FOR HIM?
UH, HE'S GONE TO GET SOMETHING.
OKAY, I WILL.
YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW
TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00.
- I DO?
- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BOY, MY IS CHANGING
FROM THIS MOMENT ON.
THANKS TO YOU, DICK, I'M GOING
TO START A WHOLE NEW LIFE.
BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD.
[GROANS]
[GASPING]
DICK, SOMETHING
IMPORTANT HAS COME UP,
AND MICHAEL HAS TO TAKE
ME TO BOSTON THIS FRIDAY.
OH, THAT SOUNDS SERIOUS.
OH, IT IS.
THE NEW SPRING FASHIONS ARE OUT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT ME TO
GIVE YOU A DAY OFF
SO YOU CAN GO AND
BUY SOME CLOTHES?
DON'T BE A SILLY.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING
ON WHAT YOU PAY ME,
BUT THEY CAN'T STOP
ME FROM TRYING ON
EVERY SIZE THREE IN THE STORE.
WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S
COMPLETELY FRIVOLOUS.
GOOD, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
DICK, GUESS WHAT.
HARLEY GOT THAT JOB YOU
SENT HIM OFF TO INTERVIEW FOR.
YEAH, SAY HELLO TO THE
NEW REGIONAL SALESMAN
FOR ETERNITY LIMITED.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT
PROVOCATIVE QUESTION.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT DEATH.
OH, YUCK, I'M OUT OF HERE.
HARLEY, YOU'RE NOT
SELLING LIFE INSURANCE.
OH, NO, NO, NO, I'D ONLY
DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AS A LAST RESORT.
I'M SELLING BURIAL PLOTS.
ACTUALLY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
CALL THEM FINAL COMFORT ZONES.
SO HOW MANY SHOULD
I PUT YOU DOWN FOR?
HOW MUCH ARE THESE...
COMFORT ZONES?
$350, AND IT'S A REAL
EASY PAYMENT PLAN.
YOU JUST PLUNK DOWN
THE WHOLE WAD UP FRONT.
WELL, HARLEY, I THINK THIS IS SOMETHING
DICK AND I SHOULD DISCUSS FIRST.
YEAH, MEANWHILE WHY DON'T
YOU GO SELL TO SOMEONE ELSE.
ACTUALLY I WAS TOLD TO MAKE
MY FIRST SALE TO TASTE MAKERS,
PEOPLE WHO SET THE TREND
FOR THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.
I HARLEY THINK THE ENTIRE
COMMUNITY IS GOING TO...
BUT THE TILDENS WERE IN EUROPE,
SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY YOU.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HONEY, I KNOW WE'VE
NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS,
BUT MY PARENTS ARE
SORT OF SAVING A PLACE
FOR ME IN THE FAMILY PLOT.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, HAVE
GEORGE PLANT ME IN THE GARDEN?
OH, WHAT THE HECK, HONEY.
LET'S GET PLANTED TOGETHER.
OH, BOY. ENJOY YOUR PURCHASE.
AND MAY YOU NEVER HAVE
TO USE IT IN YOUR LIFETIME.
MAY I HELP YOU?
KYLE NORDOFF, MRS. LOUDON.
FROM THE RECYCLING CENTER.
WE MET AT THE BEAVER PICNIC.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT
WENT AROUND COLLECTING THE...
ALUMINUM CANS.
YEAH, YEAH.
THANKS TO THE BEAVER
BELCHING CONTEST
THAT PICNIC IS ONE OF
MY TOP GROSSING DAYS.
GEORGE PUT A BUNCH OF
CANS IN THE BASEMENT FOR YOU.
OH, IS HE AROUND?
THOUGHT HE MIGHT GIVE ME A HAND.
OH, SURE. GEORGE?
- YES, JOANNE.
- BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
NO!
IT'S A SET UP. OH...
JOANNA, HOW COULD YOU?
- OH.
- [GROANS]
GEORGE, I'M SORRY.
I... I FORGIVE YOU.
YOU USED ME.
IS YOUR HUSBAND... AROUND?
FORGET IT. DICK'S NOT PLAYING.
HE THINKS IT'S SILLY.
HE USED THAT WORD, "SILLY"?
OH, HI, KYLE.
DICK, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
YOU NOT PLAYING BEAVER HUNT.
WELL, I THINK SOMEONE
SHOULD LIVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU JOINED THE BEAVERS
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO BEAVER STUFF.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
WE WERE GOING TO DO,
COMPARE FABRIC SOFTENERS?
COME ON, KYLE, LET'S
GO GET THOSE CANS.
OH, BOY. I CAN'T BELIEVE I
BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE GRAVE SITS
- BECAUSE I HEARD YOU DID.
- YOU DID?
YEAH, AND I WISH I HAD WAITED TILL
THE TILDENS CAME BACK FROM EUROPE.
SOMEBODY ACTUALLY BOUGHT
A GRAVE SITE BECAUSE OF ME?
I KNOW I DID.
HI, ALL.
TURBO-SINE SERVICE FOR BOSTON
NOW DEPARTING ON TRACK ONE.
MICHAEL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE 20 MINUTES LATE.
NOT MY FAULT, DIVINE MISS S.
HAL WAS LATE GETTING
BACK FROM THE STATION.
HE WAS OFF BUYING BURIAL PLOTS
BECAUSE HE HEARD DICK DID.
OH, SO IT'S YOUR FAULT.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THIS
FACE WAS PERFECT 20 MINUTES AGO.
NOW I HAVE TO GO
FILL IN POUT LINES.
I'LL BE USING THE BRUSHER
IF YOU WANT TO WASH.
YOU HAVE TO ASK?
WELL, THANKS FOR THE CANS.
JUST LOAD ME UP. I
CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.
- YOU SURE?
- NO PROBLEM.
GOOD-BYE, MRS. LOUDON.
GOOD-BYE, GUN-CONTROL PARTY
POOPER TOO GOOD TO BE A BEAVER.
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF BALANCE.
LISTEN, I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND.
HEY, I'M A PROFESSIONAL. JUST
THROW IT OVER MY SHOULDER.
WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER,
MR. BUTTERWORTH,
HOLIER THAN THOU,
IPSY PIPSY.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
- [KYLE SCREAMS]
- [CANS CRASH]
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, LOUDON!
YOU MEAN YOU ARE PLAYING?
BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD.
[GROANING]
HI, I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ANOTHER
FELLOW OUTSIDE DOING THE SAME THING.
- YEAH.
- WE WAS HAVING A SIMILAR
PROBLEM OVER TO THE CAFE
TILL DARRYL HERE STARTED CHECKING
THEM LITTLE DATES ON THE MILK.
WE UNDERSTAND YOU BOUGHT
YOURSELVES SOME FINAL COMFORT ZONES
FOR WHEN YOU AND THE
LOVELY MISS JOANNA CROAK.
YEAH?
WELL, WHEN WE HEARD THAT,
WE BOUGHT US SOME RIGHT SPOTS.
WE JUST GOT BACK FROM
GIVING THEM A LOOK-SEE.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS
DO, TRY THEM ON?
NO, WE JUST STOOD
ON THEM AND SANK IN.
THAT'S TO BE
EXPECTED IN A SWAMP.
A SWAMP?
YEAH, WE WAS PLEASANTLY
SURPRISED, TOO.
OH, GREAT, I GOT HARLEY A
JOB SELLING GRAVES IN A SWAMP.
I BETTER CALL HIM.
TELL HIM THANKS FOR US.
HELLO, MRS. ESTIN.
YEAH, THIS IS DICK LOUDON.
IS HARLEY THERE?
OH, UH, DO YOU KNOW SOME
PLACE WHERE HE CAN BE REACHED?
DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW
THE PHONE NUMBER AT THE JAIL?
- ESTIN, HARLEY E.
- YO.
YOUR BAIL'S BEEN POSTED
BY MR. LOUDON HERE.
OH, THANKS.
BOY, SURE IS GOOD
TO BE FREE AGAIN.
DID MY WIFE WAIT FOR ME?
HARLEY, YOU'VE ONLY
BEEN HERE AN HOUR.
YOU LOSE ALL TRACK
OF TIME IN THERE.
HARLEY, I'M SORRY I ASKED
YOU TO ANSWER THAT AD.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS
ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY.
OH, DON'T WORRY, DICK.
FOR A JOB THAT GOOD, THERE'S
BOUND TO BE A DOWNSIDE.
HI, HARLEY. DICK.
MICHAEL, I THOUGHT YOU AND
STEPHANIE WERE GOING TO BOSTON.
WE ARE DID, BUT AS
WE WERE DRIVING,
IT SUDDENLY HIT ME.
HARLEY, JAIL, CHANNEL
8 NEWS EXCLUSIVE.
OFFICER, WHY ISN'T
HE STILL BEHIND BARS?
I'VE GOT A CAMERA CREW COMING.
SORRY. HE'S FREE TO GO.
GO? SO SOON?
SURELY WE CAN LOSE THIS MAN IN
THE SYSTEM FOR EIGHT OR TEN MINUTES.
LISTEN, HARLEY.
DON'T LEAVE TOWN.
THEY'LL BE HANDING DOWN
YOUR INDICTMENT ANY DAY NOW.
YOU CAN'T INDICT HARLEY.
YOU SHOULD ARREST THE
GUY WHO HIRED HIM, DEVORE.
IT'S HARD TO ARREST SOMEBODY
YOU CAN'T PROVE EXISTS.
BUT THAT'S CRAZY.
I TALKED TO HIM MYSELF.
HIS PHONE NUMBER
WAS IN THE PAPER.
- PAY PHONE.
- HARLEY, YOU MET HIM.
WHERE WAS HIS OFFICE?
IT WAS RIGHT ON MAIN STREET.
AHA, WHAT WAS THE ADDRESS?
NO, IT WAS RIGHT ON MAIN STREET.
WE'D MEET IN FRONT
OF THE YUMMY FREEZE
AND KIND OF KEEP WALKING.
OKAY, SO THE GUY IS CLEVER,
BUT FOLLOW THE MONEY.
THAT'LL LEAD YOU
TO THE GUILT PARTY.
ALL THE CHECKS WERE MADE OUT TO,
ENDORSED BY, AND CASHED BY HARLEY ESTIN.
BUT HE DIDN'T KEEP IT.
HARLEY, TELL HIM WHAT
YOU DID WITH THE MONEY.
I GAVE IT TO THAT GUY
WE CAN'T PROVE EXISTS.
BUT-BUT HE'S INNOCENT.
SHOW ME SOME PROOF.
LOOK AT HIM.
I'D BUY IT, BUT I THINK THE
COURTS HAVE STRUCK DOWN
THE LOOK-AT-HIM DEFENSE.
LOOK, THERE MUST BE SOME
WAY WE CAN GET HARLEY OFF.
PROVE THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW
THIS OPERATION WAS A FRAUD,
AND HE CAN BE OUT CELEBRATING
WITH THREE FAT
LADIES AND A SIX PACK.
WHOA, BRAINSTORM.
MICHAEL, I DON'T
EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT.
ABSCAM, STARING DICK LOUDON.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
HERE'S THE SCENARIO.
WE HIDE A MIC AND
CAMERA AT THE INN.
HARLEY, YOU LURE
DEVORE TO THE INN.
DEVORE SELLS YOU SOME PLOT, AND
WE GET THE WHOLE THING ON VIDEOTAPE,
AND BINGO, OUR RATINGS
SHOOT UP RIGHT BELOW THIRD.
MICHAEL, THAT IS THE
STUPIDEST IDEA I EVER HEARD.
- COULD WORK.
- LET'S DO IT.
WHAT YOU NEED IS
ANYTHING THAT SHOWS HARLEY
IS AN UNWITTING DUPE.
WHAT'S THE BEST
EVIDENCE WE CAN GET?
ANYTHING THAT SHOWS
DEVORE CALLING THE SHOTS.
HE MAKES THE SALES PITCH OR
TAKES THE MONEY, THAT'S GOOD.
IF HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "NOBODY
MOVE OR THE BROAD GETS IT," THAT'S BAD.
THIS ISN'T DANGEROUS, IS IT?
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
ANYTHING HAPPENS, I'LL BE IN
THE NEXT ROOM READY TO POUNCE.
GOT ANY BREWSKIES?
NO.
OH, WE'RE ALL SET.
NOW, MAKE SURE DEVORE SITS HERE
BECAUSE A CAMERA IS IN THIS BOX.
- GEORGE?
- YEAH.
READY TO DO A LEVEL
CHECK ON THE MICROPHONE?
RIGHT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
TESTING. TESTING.
[GEORGE SCREAMS]
FINE.
THAT SHOULD PICK UP
ANYTHING IN THE ROOM.
DEVORE'S ON HIS WAY.
I HAD HIM PAGED AT
THE YUMMY FREEZE.
HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING
TOWN ON VACATION,
SO QUICK THINKING ON
MY PART SAVED THE DAY.
WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO,
THAT YOU WERE A LARGE
FAMILY THAT WANTED TO PAY CASH.
I SAID I'D SET THE HOOK
BUT I COULDN'T REEL YOU IN.
I GOT YOU TO LISTEN TO THE MUSIC
BUT COULDN'T MAKE YOU DANCE.
- I...
- OKAY, OKAY.
AND THEN HE CUT ME OFF
AND SAID HE'D BE RIGHT OVER.
I'LL KEEP A LOOKOUT.
NICK, HAVRE YOU SEEN MICHAEL?
HE'S BUSY.
HE AND GEORGE ARE
MONITORING THE ABSCAM THING.
MICHAEL, GET OUT HERE!
[MICHAEL SCREAMS]
GEORGE, CAN YOU GET UP?
THAT A BOY. WALK IT OFF.
YOU-YOU CALLED, CUPCAKE?
MICHAEL, IT'S BAD ENOUGH I
CAN'T AFFORD THE FASHION.
IF YOU KEEP STALLING,
I WON'T EVEN GET TO TRY THEM ON.
STEPH, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
ONE WHO'S SUFFERING HERE.
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO
SEE YOU IN THOSE OUTFITS.
YOU WOULD?
THEN I GUESS I'LL HAVE
TO BRING THEM HERE.
THEY LET YOU DO THAT?
THEY DO IF YOU BUY THEM.
CREDIT CARD?
SHE CAN BE PRETTY DAMN
UNDERSTANDING SOMETIMES.
THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.
IT'S HIM. HE'S HERE.
ALL RIGHT, PLACES, EVERYBODY.
NOW, REMEMBER. WE'VE GOT TO
GET DEVORE TO TAKE THE MONEY.
IF WE DON'T DO THIS RIGHT,
DEVORE GOES SCOT-FREE,
AND HARLEY COULD
GET 10 YEARS IN PRISON.
OKAY, LET'S HAVE FUN WITH IT.
- OH, HI, MR. DEVORE.
- HI, HARLEY.
I SEE YOU CAME RIGHT
FROM THE OFFICE.
YOU MUST BE THE LOUDONS.
I'M EMMETT DEVORE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M SORRY IF I'M
A LITTLE STICKY.
HEY, THIS IS MAPLE SYRUP
COUNTRY. WE'RE USED TO IT.
HARLEY TELLS ME
YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
MAKING UP YOUR MINDS.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY HE
WANTED US TO TALK TO HIS BOSS.
BOSS? OH, NO, NO.
FRIEND.
BOY, THIS IS A BIG PLACE,
BUT I GUESS YOU NEED THE
SPACE WITH THOSE 16 KIDS.
HOW MANY?
HARLEY TOLD ME YOU HAD 16 KIDS.
RIGHT, WE TEND TO THINK
OF THE TWINS AS ONE.
I THINK IT IS JUST GREAT
THAT YOU WANT TO KEEP
THE FAMILY TOGETHER
EVEN IN THE HEREAFTER.
WELL, INSEPARABLE IN
LIFE, INSEPARABLE IN DEATH.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
THEY'RE NOT HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ABOUT THE GRAVEYARD.
UH, CERTAINLY.
EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
WHOA.
TAKE IT FROM ME,
AFTER THIS GRAVEYARD,
HEAVEN MAY BE A DISAPPOINTMENT.
IT'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL
VIEW OF THE RIVER,
AND THE PRICE IS CRIMINAL.
YOU'RE REALLY QUITE THE
SALESMAN. AREN'T YOU, MR. DEVORE?
NO, NOT REALLY.
I JUST GO BY WHAT MY
FRIEND HARLEY HERE TELLS ME.
OH.
AND YOU KNOW THAT HARLEY IS NOT
GOING TO STEER YOU INTO A BAD DEAL.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.
OH, WHO'S THIS?
HI, MOM. HI, POP.
HE MUST BE ONE OF OUR KIDS.
WHY, MIKEY, WE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU WERE HOME, DEAR.
LISTEN, I WAS
TRYING TO WATCH TV,
AND SOMETHING WAS
INTERFERING WITH THE PICTURE.
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IF YOU COULD JUST
MOVE UP A LITTLE THERE...
UHF.
IF YOU COULD JUST SLIDE DOWN.
THAT... THERE, NOW I'M SURE MY
RECEPTION WILL BE A LOT BETTER.
JUST GO ON WITH
YOUR CONVERSATION
AS IF I'D NEVER BEEN HERE.
IN FACT, YOU MAY WANT TO
BACK UP A FEW SENTENCES.
CUTE KID.
AND THAT'S WHY WE DON'T WANT
TO BURY HIM JUST ANYWHERE.
WELL, LET'S SEE. 16 KIDS.
WE'LL COUNT THE
QUINTS AS FIVE THIS TIME.
THAT'S 18 PLOTS.
WHAT... WHAT WOULD THE...
WHAT WOULD THE DAMAGE BE?
HARLEY.
OH, LET'S SEE.
UH, 350 PER LOVED ONE...
WHOOPS, I JUST TOOK
THE SQUARE ROOT OF IT.
$6300, HARLEY.
WELL, WHY DON'T I...
WHY DON'T I JUST...
JUST GIVE YOU
3,000 AS A DOWN PAYMENT IN CASH.
THAT'S NICE, BUT THE
BUCKS STOP THERE.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
TAKE THE MONEY, HARLEY.
HEY, THIS HAS BEEN FUN.
BUT I'VE JUST GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH.
PLEASE, DON'T GET UP.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO
RUIN MIKEY'S TV RECEPTION.
HARLEY, WALK ME TO MY CAR.
WELL, OKAY.
HARLEY, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?
YEAH. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T GO NOW.
I GAVE YOU MY MONEY.
NOW I WANT MY PAPERWORK.
RIGHT, RIGHT, I CAN'T GO NOW.
I'VE GOT RECEIPTS TO SIGN
AND DEEDS TO WRITE,
AND, UH, OH, LET'S NOT FORGET
THOSE "CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU OWN A GRAVE" CARDS
TO FILL OUT.
RIGHT.
- HARLEY.
- LOOK, MR. DEVORE.
YOU'RE IN A HURRY. I'M BUSY.
YOU ALWAYS END UP
WITH THE MONEY ANYWAY,
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT
AND HAVE A WONDERFUL VACATION.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
[SCREAMS]
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
NOTHING. IT'S JUST A GAME.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
KYLE, GO RECYCLE SOMETHING.
UH, THIS IS TOO WEIRD.
I'M GOING.
HERE, HERE, TAKE... TAKE
SOME CASH WITH YOU.
HERE'S A FIFTY.
HERE'S A TWO. THEY'RE LUCKY!
NOW YOU'RE NOT PLAYING.
LISTEN, I'M GOING
TO BRING YOU UP
BEFORE THE BEAVER
DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE, MISTER.
YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU GET AWAY
WITH PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOUR PANTS.
DISASTERVILLE, DICK.
AND YOU REALLY LOOKED
PATHETIC THERE AT THE END.
BUT STOP HIM. HE'S GETTING AWAY.
AND DO WHAT? BOOK HIM FOR
MAKING YOU ALL LOOK LIKE CHUMPS?
OH, HARLEY, WE'RE SORRY.
WE WERE TRYING TO HELP.
I'M SORRY, TOO,
ESPECIALLY FOR ALL THOSE
PEOPLE WHO LOST MONEY
BUYING PLOTS FROM ME.
WELL, ME INCLUDED.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU BOUGHT A PLOT?
TWO. ONE FOR ME AND
ONE FOR THE MISSUS.
IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY.
HARLEY, IF YOU BOUGHT
SWAMPLAND, TOO,
THEN YOU'RE A COMPLETE
AND TOTAL DUPE.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
HARLEY, HE'S SAYING
YOU'RE INNOCENT.
OH, OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THE PHONE?
I'M GOING TO PUT OUT AND APB.
WHOA, AN APB.
I NEVER DID THAT BEFORE.
LOUDON, I'VE GOT JUST
TWO WORDS FOR YOU.
PEANUT BUTTER.
- WHAT?
- WE DIED FOR YOU, DICK.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
[TOGETHER] BANG!
BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
I... I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
MEOW.
DICK, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DIE.
GEORGE, I'M NOT PLAYING
THAT STUPID GAME.
OH, COME ON, DICK.
ALL THE BEAVERS ARE PLAYING.
GIVE ME ONE GOOD
REASON WHY YOU WON'T.
ALL THE BEAVERS ARE PLAYING.
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
IT'S BEAVER HUNT WEEK, JOANNA.
YOU SURPRISE A FELLOW BEAVER
AND SAY, "BANG,
BANG, YOU'RE DEAD,"
AND WHATEVER HE'S DOING,
HE'S GOT TO SCREAM,
CLUTCH HIS CHEST,
FALL DOWN, AND PRETEND TO DIE.
AND, DICK, YOU'RE NOT PLAYING?
I GUESS I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.
I KNEW THAT WHEN YOU DROPPED
OUT OF THE SPIT-FOR-DISTANCE CONTEST.
HI, HARLEY.
HEY, JOANNA.
HI, BEAVER BROTHER.
HARLEY, IF YOU'VE COME OVER
HERE TO SHOOT ME, FORGET IT.
I'M NOT PLAYING.
HAVE NO FEAR.
I WOULDN'T SHOOT SOMEBODY
I'M ABOUT TO HIT UP FOR A JOB.
OH, HARLEY, YOU
LOST ANOTHER ONE?
YEAH, I WAS WORKING
AT THE CARWASH,
AND MANAGER'S WIFE
WAS INSPECTING THE PLACE,
AND I ACCIDENTALLY
HOT WAXED HER.
I TRIED TO WASH IT OFF,
BUT IT KEPT BEADING UP.
HARLEY, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T
HAVE ANY JOBS RIGHT NOW.
OH. WELL, I'LL JUST KEEP
COMING BY EVERY DAY
TO SEE IF AN OPENING
HAS INDEED OCCURRED.
BEFORE YOU TIE
YOURSELF TO THAT ROUTINE,
WHY DON'T WE CHECK
TODAY'S CLASSIFIEDS.
OH, HERE'S A NEW LISTING.
"WANTED: HOT WAX OPERATOR."
SORRY, HARLEY.
OH, HERE'S A NEW ONE.
"GO GETTER WANTED FOR
HIGH-PAYING SALES POSITION."
THERE'S A PHONE NUMBER.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL?
I'M NOT TOO GOOD ON THE PHONE.
I'M MUCH BETTER UP
CLOSE AND PERSONAL.
NO, I'LL JUST KEEP COMING
BY HERE EVERY DAY.
WHY DON'T...
WHY DON'T I MAKE
THE CALL FOR YOU?
OH, GEE, THANKS, DICK.
AND TELL THEM I'M
REAL GOOD AT SALES,
UNLESS OF COURSE
IT'S TELEPHONE SALES.
UH, HELLO, WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?
UH, MR. DEVORE.
YES, I'M CALLING FOR A
FRIEND ABOUT YOUR AD.
GO GETTER, YOU BET.
WHY AM I CALLING FOR HIM?
UH, HE'S GONE TO GET SOMETHING.
OKAY, I WILL.
YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW
TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00.
- I DO?
- OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BOY, MY IS CHANGING
FROM THIS MOMENT ON.
THANKS TO YOU, DICK, I'M GOING
TO START A WHOLE NEW LIFE.
BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD.
[GROANS]
[GASPING]
DICK, SOMETHING
IMPORTANT HAS COME UP,
AND MICHAEL HAS TO TAKE
ME TO BOSTON THIS FRIDAY.
OH, THAT SOUNDS SERIOUS.
OH, IT IS.
THE NEW SPRING FASHIONS ARE OUT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT ME TO
GIVE YOU A DAY OFF
SO YOU CAN GO AND
BUY SOME CLOTHES?
DON'T BE A SILLY.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING
ON WHAT YOU PAY ME,
BUT THEY CAN'T STOP
ME FROM TRYING ON
EVERY SIZE THREE IN THE STORE.
WELL, AS LONG AS IT'S
COMPLETELY FRIVOLOUS.
GOOD, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
DICK, GUESS WHAT.
HARLEY GOT THAT JOB YOU
SENT HIM OFF TO INTERVIEW FOR.
YEAH, SAY HELLO TO THE
NEW REGIONAL SALESMAN
FOR ETERNITY LIMITED.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT
PROVOCATIVE QUESTION.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT DEATH.
OH, YUCK, I'M OUT OF HERE.
HARLEY, YOU'RE NOT
SELLING LIFE INSURANCE.
OH, NO, NO, NO, I'D ONLY
DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AS A LAST RESORT.
I'M SELLING BURIAL PLOTS.
ACTUALLY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
CALL THEM FINAL COMFORT ZONES.
SO HOW MANY SHOULD
I PUT YOU DOWN FOR?
HOW MUCH ARE THESE...
COMFORT ZONES?
$350, AND IT'S A REAL
EASY PAYMENT PLAN.
YOU JUST PLUNK DOWN
THE WHOLE WAD UP FRONT.
WELL, HARLEY, I THINK THIS IS SOMETHING
DICK AND I SHOULD DISCUSS FIRST.
YEAH, MEANWHILE WHY DON'T
YOU GO SELL TO SOMEONE ELSE.
ACTUALLY I WAS TOLD TO MAKE
MY FIRST SALE TO TASTE MAKERS,
PEOPLE WHO SET THE TREND
FOR THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.
I HARLEY THINK THE ENTIRE
COMMUNITY IS GOING TO...
BUT THE TILDENS WERE IN EUROPE,
SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY YOU.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HONEY, I KNOW WE'VE
NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS,
BUT MY PARENTS ARE
SORT OF SAVING A PLACE
FOR ME IN THE FAMILY PLOT.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, HAVE
GEORGE PLANT ME IN THE GARDEN?
OH, WHAT THE HECK, HONEY.
LET'S GET PLANTED TOGETHER.
OH, BOY. ENJOY YOUR PURCHASE.
AND MAY YOU NEVER HAVE
TO USE IT IN YOUR LIFETIME.
MAY I HELP YOU?
KYLE NORDOFF, MRS. LOUDON.
FROM THE RECYCLING CENTER.
WE MET AT THE BEAVER PICNIC.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT
WENT AROUND COLLECTING THE...
ALUMINUM CANS.
YEAH, YEAH.
THANKS TO THE BEAVER
BELCHING CONTEST
THAT PICNIC IS ONE OF
MY TOP GROSSING DAYS.
GEORGE PUT A BUNCH OF
CANS IN THE BASEMENT FOR YOU.
OH, IS HE AROUND?
THOUGHT HE MIGHT GIVE ME A HAND.
OH, SURE. GEORGE?
- YES, JOANNE.
- BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
NO!
IT'S A SET UP. OH...
JOANNA, HOW COULD YOU?
- OH.
- [GROANS]
GEORGE, I'M SORRY.
I... I FORGIVE YOU.
YOU USED ME.
IS YOUR HUSBAND... AROUND?
FORGET IT. DICK'S NOT PLAYING.
HE THINKS IT'S SILLY.
HE USED THAT WORD, "SILLY"?
OH, HI, KYLE.
DICK, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
YOU NOT PLAYING BEAVER HUNT.
WELL, I THINK SOMEONE
SHOULD LIVE TO WRITE ABOUT IT.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU JOINED THE BEAVERS
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO BEAVER STUFF.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
WE WERE GOING TO DO,
COMPARE FABRIC SOFTENERS?
COME ON, KYLE, LET'S
GO GET THOSE CANS.
OH, BOY. I CAN'T BELIEVE I
BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE GRAVE SITS
- BECAUSE I HEARD YOU DID.
- YOU DID?
YEAH, AND I WISH I HAD WAITED TILL
THE TILDENS CAME BACK FROM EUROPE.
SOMEBODY ACTUALLY BOUGHT
A GRAVE SITE BECAUSE OF ME?
I KNOW I DID.
HI, ALL.
TURBO-SINE SERVICE FOR BOSTON
NOW DEPARTING ON TRACK ONE.
MICHAEL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE 20 MINUTES LATE.
NOT MY FAULT, DIVINE MISS S.
HAL WAS LATE GETTING
BACK FROM THE STATION.
HE WAS OFF BUYING BURIAL PLOTS
BECAUSE HE HEARD DICK DID.
OH, SO IT'S YOUR FAULT.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THIS
FACE WAS PERFECT 20 MINUTES AGO.
NOW I HAVE TO GO
FILL IN POUT LINES.
I'LL BE USING THE BRUSHER
IF YOU WANT TO WASH.
YOU HAVE TO ASK?
WELL, THANKS FOR THE CANS.
JUST LOAD ME UP. I
CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.
- YOU SURE?
- NO PROBLEM.
GOOD-BYE, MRS. LOUDON.
GOOD-BYE, GUN-CONTROL PARTY
POOPER TOO GOOD TO BE A BEAVER.
IT'S ALL A MATTER OF BALANCE.
LISTEN, I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND.
HEY, I'M A PROFESSIONAL. JUST
THROW IT OVER MY SHOULDER.
WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER,
MR. BUTTERWORTH,
HOLIER THAN THOU,
IPSY PIPSY.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
- [KYLE SCREAMS]
- [CANS CRASH]
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT, LOUDON!
YOU MEAN YOU ARE PLAYING?
BANG BANG, YOU'RE DEAD.
[GROANING]
HI, I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL,
AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ANOTHER
FELLOW OUTSIDE DOING THE SAME THING.
- YEAH.
- WE WAS HAVING A SIMILAR
PROBLEM OVER TO THE CAFE
TILL DARRYL HERE STARTED CHECKING
THEM LITTLE DATES ON THE MILK.
WE UNDERSTAND YOU BOUGHT
YOURSELVES SOME FINAL COMFORT ZONES
FOR WHEN YOU AND THE
LOVELY MISS JOANNA CROAK.
YEAH?
WELL, WHEN WE HEARD THAT,
WE BOUGHT US SOME RIGHT SPOTS.
WE JUST GOT BACK FROM
GIVING THEM A LOOK-SEE.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS
DO, TRY THEM ON?
NO, WE JUST STOOD
ON THEM AND SANK IN.
THAT'S TO BE
EXPECTED IN A SWAMP.
A SWAMP?
YEAH, WE WAS PLEASANTLY
SURPRISED, TOO.
OH, GREAT, I GOT HARLEY A
JOB SELLING GRAVES IN A SWAMP.
I BETTER CALL HIM.
TELL HIM THANKS FOR US.
HELLO, MRS. ESTIN.
YEAH, THIS IS DICK LOUDON.
IS HARLEY THERE?
OH, UH, DO YOU KNOW SOME
PLACE WHERE HE CAN BE REACHED?
DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW
THE PHONE NUMBER AT THE JAIL?
- ESTIN, HARLEY E.
- YO.
YOUR BAIL'S BEEN POSTED
BY MR. LOUDON HERE.
OH, THANKS.
BOY, SURE IS GOOD
TO BE FREE AGAIN.
DID MY WIFE WAIT FOR ME?
HARLEY, YOU'VE ONLY
BEEN HERE AN HOUR.
YOU LOSE ALL TRACK
OF TIME IN THERE.
HARLEY, I'M SORRY I ASKED
YOU TO ANSWER THAT AD.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS
ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY.
OH, DON'T WORRY, DICK.
FOR A JOB THAT GOOD, THERE'S
BOUND TO BE A DOWNSIDE.
HI, HARLEY. DICK.
MICHAEL, I THOUGHT YOU AND
STEPHANIE WERE GOING TO BOSTON.
WE ARE DID, BUT AS
WE WERE DRIVING,
IT SUDDENLY HIT ME.
HARLEY, JAIL, CHANNEL
8 NEWS EXCLUSIVE.
OFFICER, WHY ISN'T
HE STILL BEHIND BARS?
I'VE GOT A CAMERA CREW COMING.
SORRY. HE'S FREE TO GO.
GO? SO SOON?
SURELY WE CAN LOSE THIS MAN IN
THE SYSTEM FOR EIGHT OR TEN MINUTES.
LISTEN, HARLEY.
DON'T LEAVE TOWN.
THEY'LL BE HANDING DOWN
YOUR INDICTMENT ANY DAY NOW.
YOU CAN'T INDICT HARLEY.
YOU SHOULD ARREST THE
GUY WHO HIRED HIM, DEVORE.
IT'S HARD TO ARREST SOMEBODY
YOU CAN'T PROVE EXISTS.
BUT THAT'S CRAZY.
I TALKED TO HIM MYSELF.
HIS PHONE NUMBER
WAS IN THE PAPER.
- PAY PHONE.
- HARLEY, YOU MET HIM.
WHERE WAS HIS OFFICE?
IT WAS RIGHT ON MAIN STREET.
AHA, WHAT WAS THE ADDRESS?
NO, IT WAS RIGHT ON MAIN STREET.
WE'D MEET IN FRONT
OF THE YUMMY FREEZE
AND KIND OF KEEP WALKING.
OKAY, SO THE GUY IS CLEVER,
BUT FOLLOW THE MONEY.
THAT'LL LEAD YOU
TO THE GUILT PARTY.
ALL THE CHECKS WERE MADE OUT TO,
ENDORSED BY, AND CASHED BY HARLEY ESTIN.
BUT HE DIDN'T KEEP IT.
HARLEY, TELL HIM WHAT
YOU DID WITH THE MONEY.
I GAVE IT TO THAT GUY
WE CAN'T PROVE EXISTS.
BUT-BUT HE'S INNOCENT.
SHOW ME SOME PROOF.
LOOK AT HIM.
I'D BUY IT, BUT I THINK THE
COURTS HAVE STRUCK DOWN
THE LOOK-AT-HIM DEFENSE.
LOOK, THERE MUST BE SOME
WAY WE CAN GET HARLEY OFF.
PROVE THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW
THIS OPERATION WAS A FRAUD,
AND HE CAN BE OUT CELEBRATING
WITH THREE FAT
LADIES AND A SIX PACK.
WHOA, BRAINSTORM.
MICHAEL, I DON'T
EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT.
ABSCAM, STARING DICK LOUDON.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
HERE'S THE SCENARIO.
WE HIDE A MIC AND
CAMERA AT THE INN.
HARLEY, YOU LURE
DEVORE TO THE INN.
DEVORE SELLS YOU SOME PLOT, AND
WE GET THE WHOLE THING ON VIDEOTAPE,
AND BINGO, OUR RATINGS
SHOOT UP RIGHT BELOW THIRD.
MICHAEL, THAT IS THE
STUPIDEST IDEA I EVER HEARD.
- COULD WORK.
- LET'S DO IT.
WHAT YOU NEED IS
ANYTHING THAT SHOWS HARLEY
IS AN UNWITTING DUPE.
WHAT'S THE BEST
EVIDENCE WE CAN GET?
ANYTHING THAT SHOWS
DEVORE CALLING THE SHOTS.
HE MAKES THE SALES PITCH OR
TAKES THE MONEY, THAT'S GOOD.
IF HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE, "NOBODY
MOVE OR THE BROAD GETS IT," THAT'S BAD.
THIS ISN'T DANGEROUS, IS IT?
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
ANYTHING HAPPENS, I'LL BE IN
THE NEXT ROOM READY TO POUNCE.
GOT ANY BREWSKIES?
NO.
OH, WE'RE ALL SET.
NOW, MAKE SURE DEVORE SITS HERE
BECAUSE A CAMERA IS IN THIS BOX.
- GEORGE?
- YEAH.
READY TO DO A LEVEL
CHECK ON THE MICROPHONE?
RIGHT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
TESTING. TESTING.
[GEORGE SCREAMS]
FINE.
THAT SHOULD PICK UP
ANYTHING IN THE ROOM.
DEVORE'S ON HIS WAY.
I HAD HIM PAGED AT
THE YUMMY FREEZE.
HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING
TOWN ON VACATION,
SO QUICK THINKING ON
MY PART SAVED THE DAY.
WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?
WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO,
THAT YOU WERE A LARGE
FAMILY THAT WANTED TO PAY CASH.
I SAID I'D SET THE HOOK
BUT I COULDN'T REEL YOU IN.
I GOT YOU TO LISTEN TO THE MUSIC
BUT COULDN'T MAKE YOU DANCE.
- I...
- OKAY, OKAY.
AND THEN HE CUT ME OFF
AND SAID HE'D BE RIGHT OVER.
I'LL KEEP A LOOKOUT.
NICK, HAVRE YOU SEEN MICHAEL?
HE'S BUSY.
HE AND GEORGE ARE
MONITORING THE ABSCAM THING.
MICHAEL, GET OUT HERE!
[MICHAEL SCREAMS]
GEORGE, CAN YOU GET UP?
THAT A BOY. WALK IT OFF.
YOU-YOU CALLED, CUPCAKE?
MICHAEL, IT'S BAD ENOUGH I
CAN'T AFFORD THE FASHION.
IF YOU KEEP STALLING,
I WON'T EVEN GET TO TRY THEM ON.
STEPH, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
ONE WHO'S SUFFERING HERE.
I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO
SEE YOU IN THOSE OUTFITS.
YOU WOULD?
THEN I GUESS I'LL HAVE
TO BRING THEM HERE.
THEY LET YOU DO THAT?
THEY DO IF YOU BUY THEM.
CREDIT CARD?
SHE CAN BE PRETTY DAMN
UNDERSTANDING SOMETIMES.
THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.
IT'S HIM. HE'S HERE.
ALL RIGHT, PLACES, EVERYBODY.
NOW, REMEMBER. WE'VE GOT TO
GET DEVORE TO TAKE THE MONEY.
IF WE DON'T DO THIS RIGHT,
DEVORE GOES SCOT-FREE,
AND HARLEY COULD
GET 10 YEARS IN PRISON.
OKAY, LET'S HAVE FUN WITH IT.
- OH, HI, MR. DEVORE.
- HI, HARLEY.
I SEE YOU CAME RIGHT
FROM THE OFFICE.
YOU MUST BE THE LOUDONS.
I'M EMMETT DEVORE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M SORRY IF I'M
A LITTLE STICKY.
HEY, THIS IS MAPLE SYRUP
COUNTRY. WE'RE USED TO IT.
HARLEY TELLS ME
YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
MAKING UP YOUR MINDS.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY HE
WANTED US TO TALK TO HIS BOSS.
BOSS? OH, NO, NO.
FRIEND.
BOY, THIS IS A BIG PLACE,
BUT I GUESS YOU NEED THE
SPACE WITH THOSE 16 KIDS.
HOW MANY?
HARLEY TOLD ME YOU HAD 16 KIDS.
RIGHT, WE TEND TO THINK
OF THE TWINS AS ONE.
I THINK IT IS JUST GREAT
THAT YOU WANT TO KEEP
THE FAMILY TOGETHER
EVEN IN THE HEREAFTER.
WELL, INSEPARABLE IN
LIFE, INSEPARABLE IN DEATH.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
THEY'RE NOT HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ABOUT THE GRAVEYARD.
UH, CERTAINLY.
EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
WHOA.
TAKE IT FROM ME,
AFTER THIS GRAVEYARD,
HEAVEN MAY BE A DISAPPOINTMENT.
IT'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL
VIEW OF THE RIVER,
AND THE PRICE IS CRIMINAL.
YOU'RE REALLY QUITE THE
SALESMAN. AREN'T YOU, MR. DEVORE?
NO, NOT REALLY.
I JUST GO BY WHAT MY
FRIEND HARLEY HERE TELLS ME.
OH.
AND YOU KNOW THAT HARLEY IS NOT
GOING TO STEER YOU INTO A BAD DEAL.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM.
OH, WHO'S THIS?
HI, MOM. HI, POP.
HE MUST BE ONE OF OUR KIDS.
WHY, MIKEY, WE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW YOU WERE HOME, DEAR.
LISTEN, I WAS
TRYING TO WATCH TV,
AND SOMETHING WAS
INTERFERING WITH THE PICTURE.
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
IF YOU COULD JUST
MOVE UP A LITTLE THERE...
UHF.
IF YOU COULD JUST SLIDE DOWN.
THAT... THERE, NOW I'M SURE MY
RECEPTION WILL BE A LOT BETTER.
JUST GO ON WITH
YOUR CONVERSATION
AS IF I'D NEVER BEEN HERE.
IN FACT, YOU MAY WANT TO
BACK UP A FEW SENTENCES.
CUTE KID.
AND THAT'S WHY WE DON'T WANT
TO BURY HIM JUST ANYWHERE.
WELL, LET'S SEE. 16 KIDS.
WE'LL COUNT THE
QUINTS AS FIVE THIS TIME.
THAT'S 18 PLOTS.
WHAT... WHAT WOULD THE...
WHAT WOULD THE DAMAGE BE?
HARLEY.
OH, LET'S SEE.
UH, 350 PER LOVED ONE...
WHOOPS, I JUST TOOK
THE SQUARE ROOT OF IT.
$6300, HARLEY.
WELL, WHY DON'T I...
WHY DON'T I JUST...
JUST GIVE YOU
3,000 AS A DOWN PAYMENT IN CASH.
THAT'S NICE, BUT THE
BUCKS STOP THERE.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
TAKE THE MONEY, HARLEY.
HEY, THIS HAS BEEN FUN.
BUT I'VE JUST GOT
A PLANE TO CATCH.
PLEASE, DON'T GET UP.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO
RUIN MIKEY'S TV RECEPTION.
HARLEY, WALK ME TO MY CAR.
WELL, OKAY.
HARLEY, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?
YEAH. WHAT?
YOU CAN'T GO NOW.
I GAVE YOU MY MONEY.
NOW I WANT MY PAPERWORK.
RIGHT, RIGHT, I CAN'T GO NOW.
I'VE GOT RECEIPTS TO SIGN
AND DEEDS TO WRITE,
AND, UH, OH, LET'S NOT FORGET
THOSE "CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU OWN A GRAVE" CARDS
TO FILL OUT.
RIGHT.
- HARLEY.
- LOOK, MR. DEVORE.
YOU'RE IN A HURRY. I'M BUSY.
YOU ALWAYS END UP
WITH THE MONEY ANYWAY,
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT
AND HAVE A WONDERFUL VACATION.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
[SCREAMS]
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
NOTHING. IT'S JUST A GAME.
BANG! BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
KYLE, GO RECYCLE SOMETHING.
UH, THIS IS TOO WEIRD.
I'M GOING.
HERE, HERE, TAKE... TAKE
SOME CASH WITH YOU.
HERE'S A FIFTY.
HERE'S A TWO. THEY'RE LUCKY!
NOW YOU'RE NOT PLAYING.
LISTEN, I'M GOING
TO BRING YOU UP
BEFORE THE BEAVER
DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE, MISTER.
YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU GET AWAY
WITH PEANUT BUTTER DOWN YOUR PANTS.
DISASTERVILLE, DICK.
AND YOU REALLY LOOKED
PATHETIC THERE AT THE END.
BUT STOP HIM. HE'S GETTING AWAY.
AND DO WHAT? BOOK HIM FOR
MAKING YOU ALL LOOK LIKE CHUMPS?
OH, HARLEY, WE'RE SORRY.
WE WERE TRYING TO HELP.
I'M SORRY, TOO,
ESPECIALLY FOR ALL THOSE
PEOPLE WHO LOST MONEY
BUYING PLOTS FROM ME.
WELL, ME INCLUDED.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU BOUGHT A PLOT?
TWO. ONE FOR ME AND
ONE FOR THE MISSUS.
IT WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY.
HARLEY, IF YOU BOUGHT
SWAMPLAND, TOO,
THEN YOU'RE A COMPLETE
AND TOTAL DUPE.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
HARLEY, HE'S SAYING
YOU'RE INNOCENT.
OH, OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THE PHONE?
I'M GOING TO PUT OUT AND APB.
WHOA, AN APB.
I NEVER DID THAT BEFORE.
LOUDON, I'VE GOT JUST
TWO WORDS FOR YOU.
PEANUT BUTTER.
- WHAT?
- WE DIED FOR YOU, DICK.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
[TOGETHER] BANG!
BANG! YOU'RE DEAD.
I... I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
MEOW.