Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 17 - My Fair Larry - full transcript
Joanna tries to help Larry, Darryl, and Darryl improve their service at the Minuteman Cafe.
HI.
I'D LIKE A ROOM THAT'S
PAINTED A DARK COLOR,
DOESN'T GET A LOT OF SUN,
HAS NO TREES RUSTLING
OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,
AND NO DRAFTS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE
ONLY HAVE ONE ROOM LEFT.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND
PICKY BUT, I'VE GOT INSOMNIA.
I THOUGHT MAYBE IF I WENT
SOMEPLACE QUIET AND RESTFUL.
THAT'S THE STAFFORD.
HOW'D YOU HEAR ABOUT IT?
WORD OF MOUTH.
OH, REALLY?
WHAT'D THEY SAY?
MY FRIEND SAID, "GO TO VERMONT.
STAY ANYPLACE."
YEAH, WELL, TH-THAT'S OUR MOTTO.
"TH-THE STAFFORD
INN... "ONE OF...
ONE OF MANY IN THE AREA."
ENJOY YOUR STAY, MR. THURMAN.
YOU KNOW, THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TO GET TO SLEEP.
EH, BELIEVE ME, I'VE
TRIED EVERY CURE,
EVERY DOCTOR, EVERY SUGGESTION.
NOTHING WORKS.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WARM MILK?
YEAH, I TRIED IT.
WHAT ABOUT A NICE, HOT BATH?
TRIED IT.
PHIL DONAHUE SHOWED
A MACHINE... TRIED IT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
I'M GOING TO SEE WHAT I
CAN DO ABOUT YOUR INSOMNIA.
AND IN THE MEANTIME,
DON'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT.
THAT JOKE? YEAH?
HEARD IT.
HEY.
I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL.
THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.
H-HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS?
WE AIN'T EXACTLY
SORE FROM GRINNIN'.
IT'S BECOME APPARENT THAT...
OUR CAFE'S NOT THE HOTBED
OF ACTIVITY WE EXPECTED.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SO FAR...
WE'VE NEVER BEEN
OUTNUMBERED BY OUR CUSTOMERS.
DARRYL...
DON'T BE DOIN' THAT "I
TOLD YOU SO" ATTITUDE.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
HE THOUGHT WE SHOULD
FORGET THIS RESTAURANT BUSINESS
AND HIT THE PRO BOWLIN' CIRCUIT.
HE'S BEEN RUBBI" OUR
NOSES IN IT, EVER SINCE.
UH, LARRY, WH-WHY ARE
YOU SHARING THIS WITH US?
WELL, WE CAN'T HELP NOTICIN'
THAT WHILE OUR CAFE'S
BITIN' THE BIG ONE,
YOUR INN SEEMS
TO BE FLOURISHIN'.
GO FIGURE.
WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD
TAKE A LOOK AT OUR OPERATION
AND TELL US WHY
WE'RE SKIDDIN' OFF
THE ROAD TO SUCCESS.
WELL SURE, LARRY, WE'D
BE HAPPY... UH, L-LARRY...
WE'RE... WE'RE INNKEEPERS,
NOT RESTAURATEURS,
YOU KNOW, THAT'D BE
LIKE COMPARING APPLES...
WITH SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.
LARRY, WE'D BE
GLAD TO TAKE A LOOK
AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.
MUCH OBLIGED.
[WHISPERS] SEE? TOLD
YOU SHE WAS THE NICE ONE.
WHY DID YOU RESIST HELPING THEM?
IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WANT
THEIR RESTAURANT TO FAIL.
I DON'T WANT THEM TO FAIL.
I ALSO DON'T WANT TO SEE
A CHAIN OF THOSE THINGS.
HONEY, I-I KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE HONEST WITH THEM.
YOU'RE GONNA BE POLITE,
AND... AND THEY'LL START
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
JUST LIKE THE TIME WITH THAT
LONELY OLD MRS. LOWENSTEIN...
DICK.
SHE ASKED FOR A SIMPLE
RECIPE FOR PEACH PIE.
THEN BEFORE YOU KNEW IT
SHE WAS OVER AT OUR
HOUSE ALL THE TIME.
THEN YOU GAVE HER HER OWN KEY...
DON'T... AND SHE ROBBED US.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I'M JUST GONNA
TELL THEM HONESTLY
WHAT I THINK IS
WRONG WITH THEIR CAFE.
END OF INVOLVEMENT.
WELL, I'LL BELIEVE THAT
WHEN YOU STOP GOING
TO MS. LOWENSTEIN'S
PAROLE HEARING.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S
JUST AS WE DEPICTED.
RELATIVELY LIFELESS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, GUYS,
YOU CAN'T EXPECT THE PLACE
TO BE CROWDED ALL THE TIME.
ESPECIALLY AT, UH... LUNCH HOUR.
A CUSTOMER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU BRUNG
LADY LUCK WITH YOU.
HI.
UM... SHOULD I,
UH... SEAT MYSELF?
PARK IT WHERE YOU PLEASE.
WATCH CLOSELY. IT'S
SOMEWHERE AFTER THIS POINT
THAT WE GENERALLY LOSE 'EM.
UH... CAN I SEE A MENU, PLEASE?
NO NEED FOR THAT.
YOU NAME IT, IT'S AS GOOD AS
HALFWAY DOWN YOUR THROAT.
UH... PANCAKES AND
COFFEE WOULD BE NICE.
STACK AND A JOE.
I'M SORRY. THIS IS A
NO-SMOKING SECTION.
I CAN MOVE YOU, BUT
YOU'D HAVE TO REORDER.
NAW, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I QUIT.
GOT ANY SUGAR?
SAY WHEN.
WHEN!
[BELL RINGS]
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR STACK'S UP.
MM-MMM.
DO YOU WANT SOME SYRUP?
DARRYL? NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOOK, I JUST REMEMBERED
I HAVE TO BE, UM...
SOMEWHERE, AND, UH...
OH! I'M LATE NOW TOO.
WHY DON'T I JUST,
UH, LEAVE THIS HERE,
AND I'LL, UH, JUST
GO OUT THERE, YEAH?
SO, SPOT ANY FLAWS?
WELL, LARRY... IT'S
VERY EASY TO STAND
ON THE SIDELINES AND CRITICIZE.
LARRY, IT WAS REVOLTING.
JOANNA!
THROWING FOOD IS REVOLTING.
CARRYING SUGAR IN
YOUR HAND IS REVOLTING.
AND CARRYING DISHES
INSIDE YOUR CLOTHING
IS JUST NAUSEATING.
WELL, WE ALWAYS
FIGURED A LITTLE FINE-TUNIN'
WAS IN ORDER.
LARRY, MAY I BE FRANK?
UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING DRASTIC,
IT'S HOPELESS.
I REALLY SHOULD GO NOW.
HOPELESS?
[SIGHS] WELL,
THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I LET HER HAVE 18
CUPS OF COFFEE.
OH, GEORGE?
ARE THERE ANY
PENCILS AROUND HERE?
I WANT TO EDIT.
YEAH, HERE.
[WHISPERS] COULD YOU
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?
WHY?
WELL, LAST NIGHT I
GAVE MR. THURMAN
A SPECIAL TEA TO HELP HIM SLEEP.
AND HE DIDN'T COME
DOWN TO BREAKFAST, SO...
I DON'T WANT TO
WAKE HIM UP, OKAY?
[WHISPERS] OKAY.
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
FEET OFF THE FLOOR!
I DON'T WANT THIS TO TAKE
ANY LONGER THAN IT HAS TO.
[WHISPERS] STEPH-STEPHANIE!
STEPHANIE!
COULD... COULD YOU
PLEASE NOT TALK SO LOUD?
AND I THINK YOU'D
BETTER NOT VACUUM NOW.
[WHISPERS] OKAY.
UH, STEPHANIE?
AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK WHY?
NO.
OH, MORNING, EVERYBODY!
MR. THURMAN, YOU'RE NOT ASLEEP.
NAW, ACTUALLY THAT SLEEPING POTION
OF YOURS GAVE ME QUITE A LITTLE BUZZ.
DARN. WELL, WE WON'T GIVE UP.
WE'LL TRY EVERYTHING
SHORT OF HITTING YOU
OVER THE HEAD WITH A MALLET.
TRIED IT.
DICK?
ARE YOU SURE I WASN'T TOO HARD
ON LARRY AND HIS
BROTHERS YESTERDAY?
HONEY, YOU WERE FINE.
THEY'RE JUST NOT CUT
OUT FOR THAT LINE OF WORK.
I HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH DARRYL.
HI. I'M LARRY...
WE... WE KNOW. WE KNOW, LARRY.
MISS JOANNA, WE JUST
WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR BEING SO SAVAGELY HONEST
IN YOUR REVIEW OF OUR CAFE.
REALLY?
YES, MA'AM.
NOW THAT WE KNOW
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS
WE CAN SPRING INTO ACTION.
OH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
YUP!
WE QUIT.
OH, NO!
OH, DON'T FRET ABOUT IT.
WE'LL JUST GO BACK TO OUR CABIN
AND LIVE OUT THE
REST OF OUR DAYS
IN ABJECT SHAME.
OH, BUT LARRY... OH,
NO. WE THANK YOU
FOR KICKING US IN
OUR COLLECTIVE GUT.
WELL, REMEMBER US FONDLY.
I WAS LARRY, THIS WAS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
THIS WAS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WAIT! WHAT?
UH, NOTH-NOTHING.
I'LL HELP YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN OUR VIEW, THE
DREAM IS CROAKED.
JUST GIVE ME A WEEK.
ONE LITTLE WEEK TO
TURN THE PLACE AROUND.
THEN WE'LL HAVE A
GRAND REOPENING.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I'M FOR IT.
DARRYL?
DARRYL?
TWO TO ONE. WE'LL DO IT.
GREAT!
OH, BOY.
NOW, FIRST IMPRESSIONS
ARE IMPORTANT.
SO, WHEN A CUSTOMER
ENTERS, WE DON'T SAY,
"PARK IT."
WE SAY... "MAY I SHOW
YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
WELL, OKAY, BUT WE MAY
BE IN DANGER OF LOOKI"
A LITTLE FEIGNED.
ANOTHER THING. SERVING THE FOOD.
AS A GENERAL RULE,
MOST CUSTOMERS
DON'T LIKE TO SEE
THEIR FOOD AIRBORNE.
THAT'S THE FUN PART.
FUN OR NOT, THE PROPER
WAY IS TO USE THIS.
FLY SWATTER?
LET ME MAKE A NOTE.
TOMORROW WE'LL
SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY
TALKING ABOUT GERMS.
ALL RIGHT!
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT
WE'VE LEARNED SO FAR.
UH-OH. POP QUIZ.
OKAY. I'M A CUSTOMER
AND I WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
PARK IT ANYWHERE.
OH, YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS.
HOW'S THAT GO AGAIN?
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME WATER?
FINE.
DARRYL.
UM... LARRY, THERE'S...
THERE'S A HAIR IN MY GLASS.
OH, DEAR.
THERE YOU GO. HAIR-FREE.
REVOLTIN' AGAIN?
YES, LARRY.
ONCE A HAIR OR ANY
OTHER FOREIGN SUBSTANCE
HAS GOTTEN INTO THE FOOD,
IT SHOULD NOT BE SERVED.
[GROANS]
COME ON, GUYS!
WE'RE OPENING TOMORROW.
NOW, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP
AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
WITHOUT FOOD.
FINE.
LARRY?
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
PLUCK IT DOWN, OVER HERE?
DANG!
OKAY, GUYS.
LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
A CUSTOMER JUST WALKED IN.
WE'RE CLOSED.
LARRY.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR PARKING SPOT?
DOGGONE IT!
THIS IS HOPELESS.
OKAY. LET'S JUST GET SOME SLEEP.
WE'VE GOT TO BE
RESTED FOR THE BIG...
DISASTER.
WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,
"MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
AGAIN.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR SEAT? [LAUGHS]
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR SEAT? OH, LARRY!
JOANNA?
SHE'S NOT HERE, DICK.
SHE JUST LEFT FOR THE OPENING.
OH... YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE
MY GREEN TIE IS, WOULD YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE IT ON, DO YOU?
THANKS, GEORGE.
OH, MR. THURMAN.
I'VE THOUGHT OF A COUPLE
MORE THINGS YOU COULD TRY.
THANKS, GEORGE, BUT NO THANKS.
I GOT A LONG NIGHT AHEAD OF ME.
THINK I'M GONNA
JUST CURL UP WITH
A GOOD BOOK, AND MEMORIZE IT.
OH, GEORGE?
TIE STRAIGHT?
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
I'M ONLY GOING TO LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL'S.
WELL, I HOPE THE
OPENING GOES WELL.
YEAH, I HOPE SO TOO. I...
CAN'T HELP WONDERING
IF THIS ISN'T SOMETHING
THEY SHOULD'VE TRIED
ON MONKEYS FIRST.
[SNORES]
IS MR. THURMAN ASLEEP?
YES!
WHAT FINALLY DID IT?
HE WAS READING A BOOK!
[READING] ANYTHING
CAN BE A LAMP BASE.
BY DICK LOUDON
BUT HE PROBABLY JUST
FINISHED A BIG MEAL.
YEAH, AND HE'S...
HE'S SITTING IN FRONT
OF A... A WARM FIRE.
I'LL BET THAT TEA I GAVE HIM,
FINALLY KICKED IN.
RIGHT.
LET'S... LET'S GO WITH THAT ONE.
WELL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
NICE JOB! [JOANNA EXHALES]
OH, I LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST, UH...
JUST LIKE THE
PICTURE IN OUR, UH...
WAIT A MINUTE.
HONEY, IT'S JUST FOR TONIGHT.
GOOD BECAUSE IT'S BEING HERE
KIND OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE
OF A HIDDEN WALL SAFE.
OH, JOANNA... YOU LIKE IT?
NO... SOMETHING'S WRONG.
THERE.
THANK GOD I WAS HERE FOR YOU.
LARRY!
DARRYL!
AREN'T YOU THE FASHION PLACE?
MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY,
AS DUDIED UP AS WE ARE,
WE'RE REFRIED TOAST
COMPARED TO YOU.
OH, LARRY.
'COURSE YOU MAY.
LARRY, YOU GUYS BETTER
GET THE FOOD STARTED.
IT'S ALMOST TIME.
WHOA! SHARE THE FANTASY.
MICHAEL...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING
IN THE ROOM BESIDES ROOTS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S BIG. IT'S
GREEN. IT'S LEAFY.
THE TREE!
YOU NOTICED!
HOW COULD I MISS IT?
IT MAKES THE ROOM.
I KNOW.
JOANNA HAD IT OVER THERE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
WHAT GIVES, JOANNA?
[KNOCKING]
ALL RIGHT. THIS IS IT!
LARRY?
OH, DICK, I'M SO
NERVOUS. HOLD MY HAND.
I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND.
WELL, LET GO. I HAVE
TO OPEN THE DOOR.
HELLO.
JOANNA, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
YOU'RE A MIRACLE-WORKER.
THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO
THE ALL NEW MINUTE MEN CAFE!
LARRY.
HERE GOES.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
[SCREAMS] HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
[LAUGHS]
HONEY, COU... COULD I
HOLD THAT HAND AGAIN?
DON'T I KNOW YOU?
YES, MA'AM. MY BROTHERS AND ME
CLEANED OUT YOUR SEPTIC TANK.
WELL, ENJOY YOUR MEAL.
EXCUSE ME!
THIS FORK SEEMS TO BE DIRTY.
OH, DEAR.
I KNOW. I'LL GET
YOU ANOTHER ONE.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
ANOTHER FORK.
YEAH, IT'S ONE OF
THOSE KODAK MOMENTS.
I'LL... I'LL HAVE, UH,
DRIED FRIED TOAST.
CLEAN DRIED TOAST!
EXCUSE ME, BUT I
HAVEN'T ORDERED YET.
I'LL BE THERE, PONY
EXPRESS. WAITER!
COULD WE HAVE
SOME WATER, PLEASE?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
EXCUSE ME!
ARE OUR BURGERS READY YET?
UH... UH, OVER THERE'S FINE.
I STILL HAVEN'T ORDERED.
RIGHT!
COULD WE HAVE SOME WATER?
JUST PARK IT ANYWHERE.
UH, THIS WAY, PLEASE.
DARRYL, HURRY UP WITH
THAT WATER, PLEASE!
SIR?
OUR BURGERS?
DARRYL, FOUR BURGERS NOW!
[BELL RINGS]
PLATES UP.
PLATES UP, PLEASE!
OKAY. WE DEEP FAT FRYIN' NOW!
[JOANNA] OH, NO!
DARRYL!
PLEASE, LARRY!
NOW, DARRYL, CUT IT OUT!
LARRY, I TOLD YOU
NOT TO FLING FOOD.
THAT WASN'T FLINGIN'.
THAT WAS SLIDIN'.
BUT YOU CAN'T RUN A
RESTAURANT THIS WAY. OH, PLEASE...
MAYBE WE CAN'T RUN A
RESTAURANT YOUR WAY.
DARRYL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.
BUT WE GOTTA BE WE.
WHAT?
BOYS!
GUYS, WAIT! YOU'RE
DESTROYING ALL MY WORK!
FOLKS! FOLKS! IT'S JUST A
TEMPORARY DISTURBANCE.
PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR
SEATS AND CONTINUE EATING...
OH.
JOANNA.
ONE WORD.
ARSON.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING TOO?
I'M SORRY, JOANNA,
BUT WE DRESSED
FOR A BEIGE MOTIF.
NOW WE'RE CLASHING LIKE MAD.
YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE
AMBIENCE IN MIDSTREAM.
WELL, YOU WANT ME TO...
HOLD YOUR HAND OR...
NOT OR... OR WHAT?
WELL...
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T
HAVE TRIED TO MAKE
A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.
AND I WORKED SO HARD
TO GET THAT OFF THE MENU.
YOU WANT THESE FOR YOUR CAR?
LARRY, I'M SORRY
THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.
PARDON MY BLUNTNESS,
BUT ARE YOU OFF YOUR BIRD?
WE MAY HAVE LOST IN THE
FAIR WEATHER CHOW HOUNDS,
BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.
THERE ARE FOUR.
FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER
BEEN OUTNUMBERED.
YOU'RE HAPPY?
ECSTATIC.
EVEN DARRYL'S DONE A ONE-EIGHTY.
DARRYL, GIVE THE MAN HIS TOAST.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD, DARRYL.
AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T FORGET
EVERYTHING I TAUGHT THEM.
[FLY BUZZES]
[FLY LANDS]
[MEOWS]
I'D LIKE A ROOM THAT'S
PAINTED A DARK COLOR,
DOESN'T GET A LOT OF SUN,
HAS NO TREES RUSTLING
OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,
AND NO DRAFTS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE
ONLY HAVE ONE ROOM LEFT.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE IT.
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND
PICKY BUT, I'VE GOT INSOMNIA.
I THOUGHT MAYBE IF I WENT
SOMEPLACE QUIET AND RESTFUL.
THAT'S THE STAFFORD.
HOW'D YOU HEAR ABOUT IT?
WORD OF MOUTH.
OH, REALLY?
WHAT'D THEY SAY?
MY FRIEND SAID, "GO TO VERMONT.
STAY ANYPLACE."
YEAH, WELL, TH-THAT'S OUR MOTTO.
"TH-THE STAFFORD
INN... "ONE OF...
ONE OF MANY IN THE AREA."
ENJOY YOUR STAY, MR. THURMAN.
YOU KNOW, THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING YOU CAN DO TO GET TO SLEEP.
EH, BELIEVE ME, I'VE
TRIED EVERY CURE,
EVERY DOCTOR, EVERY SUGGESTION.
NOTHING WORKS.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED WARM MILK?
YEAH, I TRIED IT.
WHAT ABOUT A NICE, HOT BATH?
TRIED IT.
PHIL DONAHUE SHOWED
A MACHINE... TRIED IT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
I'M GOING TO SEE WHAT I
CAN DO ABOUT YOUR INSOMNIA.
AND IN THE MEANTIME,
DON'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT.
THAT JOKE? YEAH?
HEARD IT.
HEY.
I'M LARRY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER DARRYL.
THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER DARRYL.
H-HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS?
WE AIN'T EXACTLY
SORE FROM GRINNIN'.
IT'S BECOME APPARENT THAT...
OUR CAFE'S NOT THE HOTBED
OF ACTIVITY WE EXPECTED.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SO FAR...
WE'VE NEVER BEEN
OUTNUMBERED BY OUR CUSTOMERS.
DARRYL...
DON'T BE DOIN' THAT "I
TOLD YOU SO" ATTITUDE.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
HE THOUGHT WE SHOULD
FORGET THIS RESTAURANT BUSINESS
AND HIT THE PRO BOWLIN' CIRCUIT.
HE'S BEEN RUBBI" OUR
NOSES IN IT, EVER SINCE.
UH, LARRY, WH-WHY ARE
YOU SHARING THIS WITH US?
WELL, WE CAN'T HELP NOTICIN'
THAT WHILE OUR CAFE'S
BITIN' THE BIG ONE,
YOUR INN SEEMS
TO BE FLOURISHIN'.
GO FIGURE.
WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD
TAKE A LOOK AT OUR OPERATION
AND TELL US WHY
WE'RE SKIDDIN' OFF
THE ROAD TO SUCCESS.
WELL SURE, LARRY, WE'D
BE HAPPY... UH, L-LARRY...
WE'RE... WE'RE INNKEEPERS,
NOT RESTAURATEURS,
YOU KNOW, THAT'D BE
LIKE COMPARING APPLES...
WITH SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY.
LARRY, WE'D BE
GLAD TO TAKE A LOOK
AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.
MUCH OBLIGED.
[WHISPERS] SEE? TOLD
YOU SHE WAS THE NICE ONE.
WHY DID YOU RESIST HELPING THEM?
IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU WANT
THEIR RESTAURANT TO FAIL.
I DON'T WANT THEM TO FAIL.
I ALSO DON'T WANT TO SEE
A CHAIN OF THOSE THINGS.
HONEY, I-I KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE HONEST WITH THEM.
YOU'RE GONNA BE POLITE,
AND... AND THEY'LL START
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
JUST LIKE THE TIME WITH THAT
LONELY OLD MRS. LOWENSTEIN...
DICK.
SHE ASKED FOR A SIMPLE
RECIPE FOR PEACH PIE.
THEN BEFORE YOU KNEW IT
SHE WAS OVER AT OUR
HOUSE ALL THE TIME.
THEN YOU GAVE HER HER OWN KEY...
DON'T... AND SHE ROBBED US.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
GONNA HAPPEN THIS TIME.
I'M JUST GONNA
TELL THEM HONESTLY
WHAT I THINK IS
WRONG WITH THEIR CAFE.
END OF INVOLVEMENT.
WELL, I'LL BELIEVE THAT
WHEN YOU STOP GOING
TO MS. LOWENSTEIN'S
PAROLE HEARING.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S
JUST AS WE DEPICTED.
RELATIVELY LIFELESS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, GUYS,
YOU CAN'T EXPECT THE PLACE
TO BE CROWDED ALL THE TIME.
ESPECIALLY AT, UH... LUNCH HOUR.
A CUSTOMER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU BRUNG
LADY LUCK WITH YOU.
HI.
UM... SHOULD I,
UH... SEAT MYSELF?
PARK IT WHERE YOU PLEASE.
WATCH CLOSELY. IT'S
SOMEWHERE AFTER THIS POINT
THAT WE GENERALLY LOSE 'EM.
UH... CAN I SEE A MENU, PLEASE?
NO NEED FOR THAT.
YOU NAME IT, IT'S AS GOOD AS
HALFWAY DOWN YOUR THROAT.
UH... PANCAKES AND
COFFEE WOULD BE NICE.
STACK AND A JOE.
I'M SORRY. THIS IS A
NO-SMOKING SECTION.
I CAN MOVE YOU, BUT
YOU'D HAVE TO REORDER.
NAW, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I QUIT.
GOT ANY SUGAR?
SAY WHEN.
WHEN!
[BELL RINGS]
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR STACK'S UP.
MM-MMM.
DO YOU WANT SOME SYRUP?
DARRYL? NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOOK, I JUST REMEMBERED
I HAVE TO BE, UM...
SOMEWHERE, AND, UH...
OH! I'M LATE NOW TOO.
WHY DON'T I JUST,
UH, LEAVE THIS HERE,
AND I'LL, UH, JUST
GO OUT THERE, YEAH?
SO, SPOT ANY FLAWS?
WELL, LARRY... IT'S
VERY EASY TO STAND
ON THE SIDELINES AND CRITICIZE.
LARRY, IT WAS REVOLTING.
JOANNA!
THROWING FOOD IS REVOLTING.
CARRYING SUGAR IN
YOUR HAND IS REVOLTING.
AND CARRYING DISHES
INSIDE YOUR CLOTHING
IS JUST NAUSEATING.
WELL, WE ALWAYS
FIGURED A LITTLE FINE-TUNIN'
WAS IN ORDER.
LARRY, MAY I BE FRANK?
UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING DRASTIC,
IT'S HOPELESS.
I REALLY SHOULD GO NOW.
HOPELESS?
[SIGHS] WELL,
THAT'S THE LAST TIME
I LET HER HAVE 18
CUPS OF COFFEE.
OH, GEORGE?
ARE THERE ANY
PENCILS AROUND HERE?
I WANT TO EDIT.
YEAH, HERE.
[WHISPERS] COULD YOU
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?
WHY?
WELL, LAST NIGHT I
GAVE MR. THURMAN
A SPECIAL TEA TO HELP HIM SLEEP.
AND HE DIDN'T COME
DOWN TO BREAKFAST, SO...
I DON'T WANT TO
WAKE HIM UP, OKAY?
[WHISPERS] OKAY.
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
FEET OFF THE FLOOR!
I DON'T WANT THIS TO TAKE
ANY LONGER THAN IT HAS TO.
[WHISPERS] STEPH-STEPHANIE!
STEPHANIE!
COULD... COULD YOU
PLEASE NOT TALK SO LOUD?
AND I THINK YOU'D
BETTER NOT VACUUM NOW.
[WHISPERS] OKAY.
UH, STEPHANIE?
AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK WHY?
NO.
OH, MORNING, EVERYBODY!
MR. THURMAN, YOU'RE NOT ASLEEP.
NAW, ACTUALLY THAT SLEEPING POTION
OF YOURS GAVE ME QUITE A LITTLE BUZZ.
DARN. WELL, WE WON'T GIVE UP.
WE'LL TRY EVERYTHING
SHORT OF HITTING YOU
OVER THE HEAD WITH A MALLET.
TRIED IT.
DICK?
ARE YOU SURE I WASN'T TOO HARD
ON LARRY AND HIS
BROTHERS YESTERDAY?
HONEY, YOU WERE FINE.
THEY'RE JUST NOT CUT
OUT FOR THAT LINE OF WORK.
I HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH DARRYL.
HI. I'M LARRY...
WE... WE KNOW. WE KNOW, LARRY.
MISS JOANNA, WE JUST
WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR BEING SO SAVAGELY HONEST
IN YOUR REVIEW OF OUR CAFE.
REALLY?
YES, MA'AM.
NOW THAT WE KNOW
WHAT THE PROBLEM IS
WE CAN SPRING INTO ACTION.
OH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
YUP!
WE QUIT.
OH, NO!
OH, DON'T FRET ABOUT IT.
WE'LL JUST GO BACK TO OUR CABIN
AND LIVE OUT THE
REST OF OUR DAYS
IN ABJECT SHAME.
OH, BUT LARRY... OH,
NO. WE THANK YOU
FOR KICKING US IN
OUR COLLECTIVE GUT.
WELL, REMEMBER US FONDLY.
I WAS LARRY, THIS WAS
MY BROTHER DARRYL,
THIS WAS MY OTHER
BROTHER DARRYL.
WAIT! WHAT?
UH, NOTH-NOTHING.
I'LL HELP YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN OUR VIEW, THE
DREAM IS CROAKED.
JUST GIVE ME A WEEK.
ONE LITTLE WEEK TO
TURN THE PLACE AROUND.
THEN WE'LL HAVE A
GRAND REOPENING.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I'M FOR IT.
DARRYL?
DARRYL?
TWO TO ONE. WE'LL DO IT.
GREAT!
OH, BOY.
NOW, FIRST IMPRESSIONS
ARE IMPORTANT.
SO, WHEN A CUSTOMER
ENTERS, WE DON'T SAY,
"PARK IT."
WE SAY... "MAY I SHOW
YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
WELL, OKAY, BUT WE MAY
BE IN DANGER OF LOOKI"
A LITTLE FEIGNED.
ANOTHER THING. SERVING THE FOOD.
AS A GENERAL RULE,
MOST CUSTOMERS
DON'T LIKE TO SEE
THEIR FOOD AIRBORNE.
THAT'S THE FUN PART.
FUN OR NOT, THE PROPER
WAY IS TO USE THIS.
FLY SWATTER?
LET ME MAKE A NOTE.
TOMORROW WE'LL
SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY
TALKING ABOUT GERMS.
ALL RIGHT!
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT
WE'VE LEARNED SO FAR.
UH-OH. POP QUIZ.
OKAY. I'M A CUSTOMER
AND I WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
PARK IT ANYWHERE.
OH, YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR THIS.
HOW'S THAT GO AGAIN?
MAY I OFFER YOU SOME WATER?
FINE.
DARRYL.
UM... LARRY, THERE'S...
THERE'S A HAIR IN MY GLASS.
OH, DEAR.
THERE YOU GO. HAIR-FREE.
REVOLTIN' AGAIN?
YES, LARRY.
ONCE A HAIR OR ANY
OTHER FOREIGN SUBSTANCE
HAS GOTTEN INTO THE FOOD,
IT SHOULD NOT BE SERVED.
[GROANS]
COME ON, GUYS!
WE'RE OPENING TOMORROW.
NOW, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP
AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
WITHOUT FOOD.
FINE.
LARRY?
GOOD EVENING, SIR.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
PLUCK IT DOWN, OVER HERE?
DANG!
OKAY, GUYS.
LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
A CUSTOMER JUST WALKED IN.
WE'RE CLOSED.
LARRY.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR PARKING SPOT?
DOGGONE IT!
THIS IS HOPELESS.
OKAY. LET'S JUST GET SOME SLEEP.
WE'VE GOT TO BE
RESTED FOR THE BIG...
DISASTER.
WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,
"MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?"
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
AGAIN.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR SEAT? [LAUGHS]
MAY I SHOW YOU TO
YOUR SEAT? OH, LARRY!
JOANNA?
SHE'S NOT HERE, DICK.
SHE JUST LEFT FOR THE OPENING.
OH... YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE
MY GREEN TIE IS, WOULD YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE IT ON, DO YOU?
THANKS, GEORGE.
OH, MR. THURMAN.
I'VE THOUGHT OF A COUPLE
MORE THINGS YOU COULD TRY.
THANKS, GEORGE, BUT NO THANKS.
I GOT A LONG NIGHT AHEAD OF ME.
THINK I'M GONNA
JUST CURL UP WITH
A GOOD BOOK, AND MEMORIZE IT.
OH, GEORGE?
TIE STRAIGHT?
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
I'M ONLY GOING TO LARRY,
DARRYL, AND DARRYL'S.
WELL, I HOPE THE
OPENING GOES WELL.
YEAH, I HOPE SO TOO. I...
CAN'T HELP WONDERING
IF THIS ISN'T SOMETHING
THEY SHOULD'VE TRIED
ON MONKEYS FIRST.
[SNORES]
IS MR. THURMAN ASLEEP?
YES!
WHAT FINALLY DID IT?
HE WAS READING A BOOK!
[READING] ANYTHING
CAN BE A LAMP BASE.
BY DICK LOUDON
BUT HE PROBABLY JUST
FINISHED A BIG MEAL.
YEAH, AND HE'S...
HE'S SITTING IN FRONT
OF A... A WARM FIRE.
I'LL BET THAT TEA I GAVE HIM,
FINALLY KICKED IN.
RIGHT.
LET'S... LET'S GO WITH THAT ONE.
WELL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
NICE JOB! [JOANNA EXHALES]
OH, I LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST, UH...
JUST LIKE THE
PICTURE IN OUR, UH...
WAIT A MINUTE.
HONEY, IT'S JUST FOR TONIGHT.
GOOD BECAUSE IT'S BEING HERE
KIND OF DEFEATS THE PURPOSE
OF A HIDDEN WALL SAFE.
OH, JOANNA... YOU LIKE IT?
NO... SOMETHING'S WRONG.
THERE.
THANK GOD I WAS HERE FOR YOU.
LARRY!
DARRYL!
AREN'T YOU THE FASHION PLACE?
MISS STEPHANIE, MAY I SAY,
AS DUDIED UP AS WE ARE,
WE'RE REFRIED TOAST
COMPARED TO YOU.
OH, LARRY.
'COURSE YOU MAY.
LARRY, YOU GUYS BETTER
GET THE FOOD STARTED.
IT'S ALMOST TIME.
WHOA! SHARE THE FANTASY.
MICHAEL...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING
IN THE ROOM BESIDES ROOTS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S BIG. IT'S
GREEN. IT'S LEAFY.
THE TREE!
YOU NOTICED!
HOW COULD I MISS IT?
IT MAKES THE ROOM.
I KNOW.
JOANNA HAD IT OVER THERE.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
WHAT GIVES, JOANNA?
[KNOCKING]
ALL RIGHT. THIS IS IT!
LARRY?
OH, DICK, I'M SO
NERVOUS. HOLD MY HAND.
I AM HOLDING YOUR HAND.
WELL, LET GO. I HAVE
TO OPEN THE DOOR.
HELLO.
JOANNA, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
YOU'RE A MIRACLE-WORKER.
THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO
THE ALL NEW MINUTE MEN CAFE!
LARRY.
HERE GOES.
GOOD EVENING.
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
[SCREAMS] HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
[LAUGHS]
HONEY, COU... COULD I
HOLD THAT HAND AGAIN?
DON'T I KNOW YOU?
YES, MA'AM. MY BROTHERS AND ME
CLEANED OUT YOUR SEPTIC TANK.
WELL, ENJOY YOUR MEAL.
EXCUSE ME!
THIS FORK SEEMS TO BE DIRTY.
OH, DEAR.
I KNOW. I'LL GET
YOU ANOTHER ONE.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
ANOTHER FORK.
YEAH, IT'S ONE OF
THOSE KODAK MOMENTS.
I'LL... I'LL HAVE, UH,
DRIED FRIED TOAST.
CLEAN DRIED TOAST!
EXCUSE ME, BUT I
HAVEN'T ORDERED YET.
I'LL BE THERE, PONY
EXPRESS. WAITER!
COULD WE HAVE
SOME WATER, PLEASE?
MAY I SHOW YOU TO YOUR SEAT?
EXCUSE ME!
ARE OUR BURGERS READY YET?
UH... UH, OVER THERE'S FINE.
I STILL HAVEN'T ORDERED.
RIGHT!
COULD WE HAVE SOME WATER?
JUST PARK IT ANYWHERE.
UH, THIS WAY, PLEASE.
DARRYL, HURRY UP WITH
THAT WATER, PLEASE!
SIR?
OUR BURGERS?
DARRYL, FOUR BURGERS NOW!
[BELL RINGS]
PLATES UP.
PLATES UP, PLEASE!
OKAY. WE DEEP FAT FRYIN' NOW!
[JOANNA] OH, NO!
DARRYL!
PLEASE, LARRY!
NOW, DARRYL, CUT IT OUT!
LARRY, I TOLD YOU
NOT TO FLING FOOD.
THAT WASN'T FLINGIN'.
THAT WAS SLIDIN'.
BUT YOU CAN'T RUN A
RESTAURANT THIS WAY. OH, PLEASE...
MAYBE WE CAN'T RUN A
RESTAURANT YOUR WAY.
DARRYL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE SORRY, MISS JOANNA.
BUT WE GOTTA BE WE.
WHAT?
BOYS!
GUYS, WAIT! YOU'RE
DESTROYING ALL MY WORK!
FOLKS! FOLKS! IT'S JUST A
TEMPORARY DISTURBANCE.
PLEASE RETURN TO YOUR
SEATS AND CONTINUE EATING...
OH.
JOANNA.
ONE WORD.
ARSON.
YOU'RE NOT LEAVING TOO?
I'M SORRY, JOANNA,
BUT WE DRESSED
FOR A BEIGE MOTIF.
NOW WE'RE CLASHING LIKE MAD.
YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE
AMBIENCE IN MIDSTREAM.
WELL, YOU WANT ME TO...
HOLD YOUR HAND OR...
NOT OR... OR WHAT?
WELL...
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T
HAVE TRIED TO MAKE
A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR.
AND I WORKED SO HARD
TO GET THAT OFF THE MENU.
YOU WANT THESE FOR YOUR CAR?
LARRY, I'M SORRY
THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.
PARDON MY BLUNTNESS,
BUT ARE YOU OFF YOUR BIRD?
WE MAY HAVE LOST IN THE
FAIR WEATHER CHOW HOUNDS,
BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE.
THERE ARE FOUR.
FIRST TIME WE'VE EVER
BEEN OUTNUMBERED.
YOU'RE HAPPY?
ECSTATIC.
EVEN DARRYL'S DONE A ONE-EIGHTY.
DARRYL, GIVE THE MAN HIS TOAST.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD, DARRYL.
AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T FORGET
EVERYTHING I TAUGHT THEM.
[FLY BUZZES]
[FLY LANDS]
[MEOWS]