Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 13 - Dick Gets Larry's Goat - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME]

GRAB THAT, WILL YOU?

HERE'S YOUR EGGS.
AND HERE'S YOUR FARINA.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I
ORDERED OATMEAL.

OKAY. BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT DIFFERENCE IT MAKES.

THEY'RE BOTH WHITE, LUMPY SLOP.

STEPHANIE, THE
DAVIDSONS ARE OUR GUESTS.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

IT'S THIS STUPID
VERMONT WEATHER.

I'M SICK OF ICE,
I'M SICK OF COLD,

AND I'M SICK OF HAVING A
HAT LINE ON MY FOREHEAD.



OH, THEN I GUESS MS.
DAVIDSON WAS ASKING FOR IT.

HOW CAN ANYONE HATE A WEATHER

AS CRISP AND
BEAUTIFUL AS THIS ONE?

YOU LOVE JUST ABOUT
EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU, GEORGE?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

THEN HERE.

EXCEPT WHITE, LUMPY SLOP.

HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?

ALMOST FINISHED.
- GOOD
HOLA, ESKIMOS.

ANYONE CARE TO RUB NOSES?

LAST CALL.

THAT'S ALL YOU GET
FROM THIS TABLE.

STEPH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE STILL MIFFED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?



YOU CANCELED OUR VACATION
THREE TIMES THIS WINTER.

SO UNTIL YOU GET ME SOMEPLACE

WHERE YOU CAN'T
WALK ON THE LAKE,

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR
NOSE AND... STUFF IT.

WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST A COUPLE OF PLANE
TICKETS TO BERMUDA

I HAPPENED TO STUMBLE ACROSS.

OH, MICHAEL!

- BERMUDA?
- THE LAND OF SUN
AND SILLY SHORTS.

DICK, JOANNA, I KNOW

BEFORE YOU BOOKED
ALL THESE ROOMS,

YOU ASKED IF I'D BE ON
VACATION AND I SAID I WOULDN'T,

BUT NOW I WILL, OKAY?

WE ASK FOR A FEW DAYS
NOTICE. YOU GAVE US 15 SECONDS.

THAT'S BALLPARK.

OH, NO, JOANNA, IT'S
MORE THAN 15 SECONDS.

- I WON'T BE LEAVING UNTIL...
- DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

OOH! AND I'LL ONLY BE GONE...

- SEVEN DAYS.
- OOH!

BUT THAT MEANS YOU WON'T BE BACK

UNTIL ALL THESE
PEOPLE HAVE LEFT.

OOH!

SO IT'S OKAY?

I GUESS YOU DO HAVE
THE TIME COMING. DICK?

WELL, SOME OF OUR GUESTS'LL
HAVE TO CLEAN THEIR ROOMS,

BUT I... I GUESS THE
IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT OUR MAID HAVE A TAN.

ARE THEY UNDERSTANDING OR WHAT?

COME ON, I'LL LET
YOU WATCH ME PACK.

SHE'S AMAZING. I DIDN'T
EVEN HAVE TO ASK.

LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO
MANAGE WITHOUT A MAID FOR A WHILE.

WE HAVE FOR TWO YEARS NOW.

[STEPH SCREAMS]

[JOANNA SCREAMS]

- OH NO, NOT AGAIN.
- DICK, DO SOMETHING!

ALL RIGHT, YOU STAY THERE.
I'LL CHASE HER YOUR WAY.

OH, THANKS A LOT.

EVERYONE RELAX
AND ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

SHE'S PERFECTLY HARMLESS.

HI, I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THAT'S OUR GOAT, MARTHA.

WHAT?

YEAH, WE FINALLY DECIDED
ON A MONIKER FOR HER.

DARYL HERE WAS
PARTIAL TO LASSIE.

BUT THAT SEEMED MORE
OF A NAME FOR A CHICKEN.

LARRY, WOULD YOU MIND
TAKING MARTHA OUT OF HERE?

A DINING ROOM IS
NO PLACE FOR A GOAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TELL US, MA'AM.

HOW'D YOU GET OUT
OF THE DEN, ANYWAY?

UH, LARRY, THIS IS THE
THIRD TIME THIS WEEK

SHE'S WANDERED OVER.
SHE'S BUTTED THE DOOR OPEN.

SHE'S SCARED OUR GUESTS.

SHE'S JOINED ME IN THE SHOWER.

WELL, SHE BECOMES A
NUISANCE, JUST LET US NOW.

YESTERDAY, SHE ATE MY SHOES.

OH. OKAY, WE'LL REPLACE 'EM.

DARYL?

NO! NO-NO.

THAT'S OKAY.

I THINK IT'D BE BETTER
FOR ALL OF US IF,

FROM NOW ON, YOU...

YOU TIED HER UP IN THE YARD.

YARD, HUH?

WELL, OKAY.

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE ONE
ORNERY GOAT ON MY HANDS

IF SHE CAN'T WATCH SOUL TRAIN.

COME ON, BABY.

WHAT'S THIS? I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ALL PACKED.

I AM, EXCEPT FOR
MY BATHING SUITS.

THANK GOODNESS THEY'RE SO TINY.

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA BE
DOING, LIVING ON THE BEACH?

OH. I NEVER GO
DOWN TO THE BEACH.

WHY NOT?

THERE'S SAND.

OH. OF COURSE.

- MICHAEL!
- STEPHANIE!

OH MY GOD.

YOU'RE CANCELING OUR TRIP AGAIN.

I HAVE TO, CUPCAKE. A CRISIS
HAS COME UP AT THE STATION.

WHAT'D YOU BRING ME THIS TIME?

A PEARL BRACELET.

IT'S EXQUISITE.

I THINK YOU'RE DOG-DROOL.

- I'M GOING TO BERMUDA
WITHOUT YOU.
- BUT STEPHANIE...

AND HERE'S JUST A SAMPLE
OF WHAT YOU'LL BE MISSING.

DID SHE GET DRESSED IN
THE DARK THIS MORNING?

NO, MICHAEL IS CANCELING

THEIR VACATION AGAIN.

WHAT'D YOU GET HER?

A BRACELET. I
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I SPEND AND SPEND AND
SPEND, AND SHE'S STILL MAD.

WOMEN.

YEAH, WE'RE SCUM.

IT SURE IS NICE TO GET
A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING

FOR A CHANGE.

WELL, I'M... SORRY WE
HAD THIS CHANCE TO CHAT.

OH NO!

OH MY LORD.

WHOA, RECYCLING TIME.

THE STUPID GOAT ATE MY BOOK.

I THOUGHT THEY
ONLY LIKED GARBAGE.

NO EDITORIAL COMMENT INTENDED.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE ONLY
ATE THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I
CAN'T FINISH THEM EITHER.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

MICHAEL, WHY DON'T YOU AND
MARTHA SAVE ME THE TROUBLE

AND THROW EACH OTHER OUT?

GOT A PAGE I CAN USE FOR BAIT?

COME ON, MARTHA.

- WHO ARE YOU CALLING?
- I HAVEN'T DECIDED.

EITHER ANIMAL
CONTROL OR A TANNERY.

YOU TOUCH ONE
THING ON THIS DESK,

AND YOU'RE DRIVING GLOVES!

STEPHANIE, DON'T YOU
HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH?

- I'M NOT GOING.
- WHAT?

I DECIDED IT WOULD BE
FOOLISH TO GO WITHOUT MICHAEL.

I'D BE TAN, AND HE WOULDN'T.

WE'D CLASH.

LUCKY YOU CAUGHT THAT IN TIME.

SO I'M JUST GOING TO STAY
HERE IN THIS FROZEN TUNDRA.

FREEZE AND SHRIVEL

AND GET CHAPPED TO DEATH.

BOY, IT'S GREAT OUT THERE.

FOUR INCHES OF FRESH POWDER.

YOU SHOULD SEE IT!
BILLIONS OF TINY SNOWFLAKES,

AND NO TWO OF THEM ALIKE.

THEY ARE NOW.

I'M SORRY, GEORGE.
SHE'S A LITTLE UPSET.

WELL, AT LEAST IT WAS QUICK.

JOANNA, WOULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS?

I'M TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER
THE UNDIGESTED PORTIONS

- OF MY MANUSCRIPT.
- COULDN'T YOU JUST

EXPLAIN TO YOUR PUBLISHER
WHY IT'S GONNA BE LATE?

HONEY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
THEY LOOK AT YOU FUNNY

WHEN YOU TELL
THEM THE GOAT ATE IT.

HERE, I THINK I'VE GOT A MATCH.

YOUR PET SHOULD QUICKLY
ADJUST TO HIS NEW HOME.

IF NOT... CRUSH OR
CHOP IT UP INTO SMALL...

BITE-SIZE MORSELS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE THE EXPERT.

HI.

I'M LARRY.

IS THAT IT?

YEAH. THEY AIN'T TALKING TO YOU.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT APPEARS YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO RATTED ON OUR GOAT
TO THEM ANIMAL PEOPLE.

WELL, I CERTAINLY
DID. SHE ATE MY BOOK.

THAT STILL AIN'T NO REASON
TO HAVE HER CARTED OFF.

THEY CARTED HER OFF.

WHAT'D YOU THINK
THEY WAS GONNA DO?

GIVE HER A SCHOLARSHIP
TO RADCLIFFE?

WELL, I... I JUST WANTED
THEM TO MAKE YOU TIE HER UP.

WELL, THEY LOCKED HER UP.

LUCKILY, DARYL WAS
ABLE TO WIN HER FREEDOM.

YOU KNOW HOW
PERSUASIVE HE CAN BE.

YEAH, HE CAN CHARM THE
BIRDS RIGHT OUT OF THE TREES.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE
LET BYGONES BE BYGONES

AND GO BACK TO BEING
GOOD NEIGHBORS AGAIN?

I'M AFRAID THEM HAPPY
DAYS IS GONE FOREVER.

DARYL.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

TRADITION DEMANDS THAT WE
THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET.

WHICH SOMEONE
APPARENTLY FORGOT TO BRING.

LARRY, WHAT'RE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COVER YOUR TAILS AND
PROTECT YOUR YOUNG'UNS.

'CAUSE AS OF NOW,
YOUR CLAN AND OURS

IS OFFICIALLY FEUDING.

- FEUDING?
- YES, MA'AM.

BY FEUDING, YOU MEAN
YOU'LL BE REAL MAD AT US.

YEAH.

AND THAT WE'RE FEUDING.

UH, BY FEUDING, YOU
DON'T MEAN "BANG BANG"

"NOTIFY NEXT OF KIN"

HATFIELD-McCOY FEUDING?

COULDN'T SAY. NEVER MET 'EM.

UH, FELLAS?

BY FEUDING, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE RULES OF COMBAT WILL
BE APPARENT SOON ENOUGH.

WELL, NO, THEY WON'T,
BECAUSE IT TAKES TWO SIDES

TO MAKE A FEUD. AND...

AND OUR SIDE ISN'T FEUDING.

OKAY. BUT YOU'RE MAKING
IT AWFUL EASY ON US.

DICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO DO?

PROBABLY NOTHING.

PROBABLY JUST A SCARE TACTIC.

THAT'S WORKING.

MAYBE I... I'D BETTER PUT
OUT SOME PEACE FEELERS.

UH, GUYS?

I WONDER HOW THE McCOYS
GOT EGG OFF THEIR DOOR.

EXCUSE ME. WE'D
LIKE TO CHECK IN.

REALLY? WHY?

WE HAVE A RESERVATION.

WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON.

AND YOU CAME TO
THIS FRIGID WASTELAND

THAT SAPS YOUR SKIN
OF ITS NATURAL OILS

AND MAKES YOU OLD
BEFORE YOUR TIME?

THE BROCHURE DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

IT SHOULD.

I JUST HOPE YOU TOOK
PLENTY OF WEDDING PHOTOS.

IT'LL HELP YOU REMEMBER
HER THE WAY SHE WAS.

MR. DAVIDSON, DON'T CHECK OUT!

WE CAME HERE FOR
SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

NOT TO LISTEN TO
SOME DERANGED TRIO

BANGING ON THEIR
GARBAGE CANS ALL NIGHT.

UH, ACTUALLY THEY
WERE OUR GARBAGE CANS.

AND THEY WEREN'T
BANGING ON THEM.

THEY WERE FLATTENING THEM.

THANK YOU FOR CLEARING THAT UP.

WE WOULDN'T WANT TO
LEAVE FOR THE WRONG REASON.

COME ON, ED, LET'S GO.

OH. HI.

BAD NEWS, DICK. WE'VE
BEEN TOILET PAPERED.

OH NO.

BOY, THIS STUFF IS STRONG.

AND SOFT...

WE GOTTA GET THAT
STUFF OUT OF THE TREES.

YOU DO IT. I'VE GOTTA STAY HERE

AND PROTECT THE YOUNG'UNS.

I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU
WAITING. CAN I HELP YOU?

NO. NO. WE JUST STOPPED
IN TO GET DIRECTIONS.

- WHERE TO?
- UH. FLORIDA.

YOU GO TO THE END
OF THE DRIVEWAY

AND TURN SOUTH.

THANKS.

KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
I'LL MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

DICK, THIS FEUD THING
IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

NOW WE'RE LOSING GUESTS.

WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA LET
'EM HAVE THEIR FUN

UNTIL IT WEARS THEM DOWN.

PATIENCE IS MY BATTLE PLAN.

YOU NEED A TOWEL, GENERAL?

MY GOOD PANTS... THAT DOES IT.

NO! THEY'LL GET YOU
IF YOU GO OUT THERE!

THEY HAVE EGGS. IT'LL BE A
FORTUNE IN DRY-CLEANING.

HONEY. DON'T WORRY.

I'M JUST GONNA REASON WITH THEM.

THIS THING HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

QUERY, DICK.

IS THERE SOMETHING
ABOUT MY PERSONALITY

THAT INCITES PEOPLE TO VIOLENCE?

YES.

ALL I SAID WAS "HI,
ALL." NEXT THING I KNEW,

I HAD A GLACIER IN MY EYE.

HI, GUMDROP.

I WOULDN'T COME
NEAR ME, MICHAEL,

UNLESS YOU WANNA
GET SPRAY-AND-WAXED.

SAVE THAT VENOM
FOR THE SKYCAP, STEPH.

WE'RE GOING AFTER ALL.

- WE ARE?
- THAT'S RIGHT. PACK UP YOUR OLD KIT BAG.

WE ARE BERMUDA-BOUND.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR
CRISIS AT THE STATION?

WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME
SOUL-SEARCHING, STEPH.

AND I'VE DECIDED

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT
TO ME THAN YOU ARE.

SO I MARCHED RIGHT INTO
THAT STATION MANAGER'S OFFICE

AND TOLD HER, "I'M GOING...

INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR SEVEN DAYS."

OH!

COME ON. YOU CAN
HELP ME WITH MY BAGS.

FORTUNATELY, I WAS SO BUSY

RIPPING UP PICTURES OF YOU

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO UNPACK.

OH! DICK, WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, REASON...

REASON DIDN'T WORK OUT
SO I TRIED SOMETHING ELSE.

- WHAT?
- THE HOSE.

I GOT 'EM REALLY
GOOD. LOOK AT 'EM.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY
SEE 'EM TURNING BLUE.

DICK, THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY CHILDISH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
STOOPED TO THEIR LEVEL.

THIS IS LIGHT-YEARS
AHEAD OF THEIR LEVEL.

I... I TOOK 'EM OUT IN ONE BLOW.

GEORGE, I WANT
YOU TO GO INTO TOWN

AND BUY UP EVERY
EGG YOU CAN FIND.

- RIGHT, DICK.
- GEORGE, STOP.

DICK, YOU'RE JUST GONNA
MAKE THINGS WORSE.

HONEY, DID I MENTION
THEY DUG UP YOUR AZALEAS?

AND GET SOME ROTTEN TOMATOES.

MICHAEL, HURRY. THIS IS HEAVY.

DICK, GUESS WHAT?

GEORGE, CAN YOU GIVE US A
HAND GETTING THIS OUT TO THE CAR?

THERE'S NO POINT.
LARRY AND HIS BROTHERS

HAVE BLOCKED THE DRIVEWAY
WITH A HUGE WALL OF SNOW.

- NO ONE CAN GET OUT.
- WHAT?

LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

HERE, HOLD THIS!

OH MY GOD!

LOOK AT THAT PILE OF WHITE HELL!

STEPH, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO?
IF WE CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE...

DON'T SAY IT!

DON'T SAY WE CAN'T
GO TO BERMUDA!

DICK! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YOU'VE GOTTA GO OVER
THERE AND MAKE THEM

UNBLOCK THE DRIVEWAY.

WELL, I DON'T THINK I
HAVE A LOT OF INFLUENCE.

I JUST HOSED 'EM.

I TOOK 'EM OUT WITH ONE SHOT.

DICK, I AM PREPARED TO CRY
AND CARRY ON ABOUT THIS.

AND YOU CAN COUNT ME IN
ON THE "CARRYING ON" PART.

HONEY, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD GO OVER THERE.

THE SOONER THIS
THING ENDS, THE BETTER.

BESIDES, YOU GOT THEM LAST.

IF YOU STOP NOW, YOU WIN.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

I'LL COME WITH YOU. I KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE LARRY.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,
I'LL GET DARYL ON MY SIDE.

YOU KNOW HOW
PERSUASIVE HE CAN BE.

LARRY?

DARYL?

DARYL?

IT'S SAFE, DICK. YOU CAN
DROP THE GARBAGE CAN LID.

[LID CLATTERS]

- GUYS?
- OH, THEY'RE PROBABLY

OUT BACK TRYING TO COAX
MORE AMMO OUT OF THE CHICKENS.

WE'D BETTER LEAVE.

HI. I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARYL.

ONE FALSE MOVE, AND WE'LL
EGG YOU TO KINGDOM COME.

THAT DON'T APPLY TO
YOU, MS. STEPHANIE.

AND MAY I SAY, YOU'RE LOOKING
PARTICULARLY VIVACIOUS.

EVEN IN WARTIME.

THANK YOU, LARRY.
THAT'S VERY OBSERVANT.

DICK WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

SEEMS TO ME, LAST
TIME WE SEEN YOU,

YOU WAS DOING YOUR
TALKIN' WITH A HOSE.

YOU SENT OUT A
PRETTY CLEAR MESSAGE

WITH THE TOILET PAPER.

MEN, MEN.

PEACE FIRST. WAR STORIES LATER.

DICK?

I... I THINK IT'S TIME
TO STOP THE FEUD.

MY INN'S A MESS, THE
GUESTS ARE LEAVING,

AND I HAD TO PUT MY GARBAGE
CANS OUT WITH THE TRASH.

WELL, WE'RE FEELING THE
SCARS OF BATTLE OURSELVES.

THAT HOSING WAS A MASTERSTROKE.

DARYL AIN'T HAD THE
SNIFFLES LIKE THIS

SINCE THAT BATH LAST SUMMER.

THEN IT'S AGREED.

WE'VE ALL SUFFERED ENOUGH.

ESPECIALLY ME.

SO, WHY DON'T WE CALL
OFF THIS SILLY FEUD,

AND YOU CAN UNBLOCK
OUR DRIVEWAY?

THERE'S NOTHING WE'D RATHER DO.

WE LIKE YOU FOLKS.

BUT TRADITION WON'T
ALLOW US TO JUST CALL IT OFF.

WELL, WHAT DOES TRADITION ALLOW?

COMPLETE AND UNCONDITIONAL
SURRENDER ON HIS PART.

OH... OKAY.

YOU... YOU GOT IT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE
OWN OURSELVES AN INN!

WHAT... WHAT'RE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DIDN'T I EXPLAIN THAT?
ACCORDING TO TRADITION,

THE SPOILS GO TO THE VICTOR.

YOUR INN IS A SPOIL.

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU
MAY AS WELL ASK ME

FOR MY MONEY, MY
CAR, AND MY WIFE.

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER SIT
DOWN FOR THIS NEXT PART.

NO... NO DEAL, NO SURRENDER.

NO WAY.

OKAY. EGG HIM.

OKAY, HOLD IT!

YOU TWO DROP THOSE EGGS.

AND YOU TWO, SIT DOWN.

NOW!

LARRY, I WANT YOU
AND YOUR BROTHERS

TO CLEAR THAT DRIVEWAY NOW.

NOT TILL HE GIVES ME THE INN.

DICK, GIVE HIM THE INN.

LARRY, YOU'RE NOT
GETTING THE INN.

WHAT ELSE CAN HE DO
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOTHING?!

I SEEM TO REMEMBER...

BY-LAWS TO THE
TRADITION THAT STATES...

HE HAS TO FORMALLY
APOLOGIZE TO...

AND KISS THE OFFENDED PARTY.

DO IT, DICK.

I'LL APOLOGIZE, BUT I'M...

NOT GONNA KISS HIM.

NOT ME. HER.

FINE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FINE?

IF YOU DON'T DO IT,
WE AIN'T SHOVELIN'.

DICK, ONE KISS.

YOU'LL GET YOUR
INN. I GET BERMUDA.

SHE'S A GOAT.

MARTHA, I'M... I'M
SORRY I TURNED YOU IN.

OKAY, NOW KISS HER.

IS ON THE FOREHEAD ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER SIT
DOWN FOR THIS NEXT PART.

♪♪ [THEME]