Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 14 - Once I Had a Secret Love - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]

- UH, DICK.
- YEAH, GEORGE?

THURSDAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY,

AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK

OF A SPECIAL GIFT THAT SHOWS

HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU AND JOANNA

WITHOUT BEING MUSHY.

SO.

WHAT'S YOUR SHOE SIZE?

NINE AND A HALF, GEORGE.

OH BOY, ARE YOU
GONNA BE SURPRISED.



- HI, GEORGE.
- HI, MICHAEL.

NICE PLAIDS.

OH.

DICK, YOU KNOW WHAT THURSDAY IS?

VALENTINE'S DAY.

GOT ANY PLANS FOR THAT DAY?

WELL, JOANNA AND I
ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL,

TRADITIONAL
VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER.

SHE COOKS UP A FANCY MEAL,

AND I LAY OUT A HELL
OF A GORGEOUS TABLE.

WELL, LEAVE THE AFTERNOON FREE

FOR A SPECIAL
VALENTINE'S EDITION

- OF VERMONT TODAY...
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WITH GUEST OF HONOR
FRANKLIN TODD, PhD,



A.K.A. THE LOVE DOCTOR.

YOU GOT DOCTOR TODD?

I'VE... I'VE HEARD OF HIM.

MICHAEL, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU ACTUALLY SIGNED

AN INTERESTING GUEST.

OH, AND DICK, WHEN I
THINK OF VALENTINE'S DAY,

SOMETHING ELSE COMES TO MIND.

GALS.

AND THAT GAVE ME AN
IDEA FOR YOUR SHOW.

MICHAEL, IF THIS IS
SOME KIND OF PLOY

TO GET WOMEN WITH SKIMPY
CLOTHING ON THE SHOW...

DICK, GIVE ME CREDIT FOR
BETTER JUDGMENT THAN THAT.

THAT'S MORE OF A
MEMORIAL DAY KIND OF THING.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU
CO-HOSTING WITH A WOMAN,

AND WHO BETTER THAN
YOUR VERY OWN VALENTINE?

YOU MEAN JOANNA?

I... I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT DICK, I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED HER.

I... I DON'T WANT MY
WIFE AS CO-HOST.

IT WOULD MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

DICK, DICK, I MISREAD
YOU COMPLETELY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
MICHAEL. NO HARM DONE.

HONEY, WHICH ONE OF THESE

WILL LOOK BETTER ON TELEVISION?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF DR. TODD'S BOOK?

LISTEN TO THIS. "YOU
MUST LOVE EVERYONE,

"BECAUSE LOVE IS THE
ONE FREE MIRACULOUS GIFT

HUMANITY CAN GIVE TO ITSELF."

READS LIKE A HUNDRED-PAGE
HALLMARK CARD.

HOW'S THIS FOR THE DRESS?

GREAT.

DID YOU READ MY LIST
OF INTERVIEW QUESTIONS?

YEAH. YEAH, THEY'RE GREAT.

I JUST HOPE I DO A GOOD JOB.

HONEY, TRUST ME,
YOU'LL BE GREAT.

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU
WANT ME ON THE SHOW?

WHO SAYS I DON'T
WANT YOU ON THE SHOW?

DICK, WHENEVER YOU SAY
"GREAT" IN THAT TONE OF VOICE,

I KNOW IT MEANS
YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS

OUT THE KAZOO.

JUST I LIKE I KNOW THAT
YOU DRUM YOUR FINGERS

WHENEVER THE CONVERSATION
STARTS TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

WELL, MAYBE I DO
HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM

WITH YOUR BEING ON THE SHOW.

BIG-SMALL OR SMALL-SMALL?

NO, IT'S... IT'S ONLY

BECAUSE YOU'RE MY WIFE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST
OUT AND OUT HUGE.

LOOK, THE PURPOSE OF A HOST

IS TO ACT LIKE A SORT OF FUNNEL,

THROUGH WHICH THE
GUEST REACHES THE VIEWERS.

AND IF I HAVE YOU
ON THE AIR WITH ME,

I WON'T JUST BE A FUNNEL.

I'LL BE A FUNNEL WITH A WIFE.

AND PEOPLE WILL START TO WONDER,

WHAT THE FUNNEL'S
WIFE SEES IN THE FUNNEL.

AND IF THEY HAVE
ANY BABY FUNNELS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF
I COME ON THE SHOW

NOT AS YOUR WIFE, BUT
AS A CHEESE GRATER?

HONEY, IF IT'LL MAKE YOU
HAPPY TO BE ON THE SHOW,

THEN I WANT YOU ON THE SHOW.

- REALLY?
- REALLY.

OH. THANKS.

OOH.

HELLO, HOST. WHERE'S YOUR CO?

IF YOU MEAN JOANNA,

STEPHANIE TOOK HER
TO THE HAIRDRESSER.

THEY... THEY SHOULD
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

WELL, CALL ME ROMANTIC, BUT
THIS IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

A TIME OF LOVE AND GIVING

AND... AND GOOD FEELINGS.

DAMN, I DIDN'T GET STEPH A GIFT.

DO YOU THINK I COULD CONVINCE
HER I FORGOT VALENTINE'S DAY?

I'M A DEAD MAN.

CHUCK! CHUCK.

UH, GET ACROSS THE STREET
TO WHITSETT JEWELERS.

PICK OUT SOMETHING
NICE FOR STEPHANIE.

GET IT GIFT-WRAPPED.
BRING IT BACK.

WARP SEVEN!

OH! AND GET A CARD.

AND SIGN IT FOR HER!

BOY, CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM.
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT 'EM.

STEPHANIE OR CHUCK?

HI, HONEY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S... IT'S FINE.

YOU HATE IT.

IT... THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU
MEAN WHEN YOU SAY "FINE."

BUT IF I CAN'T SAY "GREAT,"
AND I CAN'T SAY "FINE,"

THEN HOW DO I CONVINCE
YOU THAT I LIKE IT?

JUST SAY YOU LIKE IT.

OKAY, THEN. I LIKE IT.

THANKS A LOT, DICK.

♪ HERE'S YOUR PRESENT ♪

♪ WHERE'S MINE? ♪

LET'S, UH, LET'S SAVE
YOURS FOR LAST.

OOH. MUST BE A
GOOD ONE. I CAN'T WAIT.

ME EITHER.

OH... WOW.

SUNGLASSES.

JUST... JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

A PAIR TO MATCH EVERY
ONE OF YOUR SWEATERS.

GO AHEAD, TRY ONE ON.

PERFECT.

NOW, WHERE'S MY PRESENT?

WELL... JOANNA.

YOU LOOK TERRIF.

WHAT... WHAT'VE YOU DONE?

I TOOK OFF MY COAT.

IT WORKS.

HE'S RIGHT. YOU LOOK... GROOVY.

MICHAEL.

WHERE'S MY PRESENT? IN HERE?

ACTUALLY, MUFFIN, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

I... I HAVE IT.

IT'S JEWELRY.

COME AND LOOK.

OOH, WHAT A PRETTY CARD.

"TO THE BEST LITTLE BOD
THAT EVER TROD SOD."

CAN'T HELP IT. THE DAY JUST
BRINGS OUT THE ROD McKUEN IN ME.

OPEN IT UP.

OH.

VERY LARGE PAGODA EARRINGS.

DO... DO YOU LIKE THEM?

WELL, LET ME WALK AROUND THEM.

I, UH, I THINK
THEY'RE DISTINCTIVE.

DON'T YOU TWO?

MICHAEL, SWEETCAKES,

YOU ACTUALLY WENT
INTO WHITSETT JEWELERS,

WALKED PAST THE OPAL
BRACELET IN THE WINDOW,

AND SAID TO MR. WHITSETT,

"GIVE ME THE HEAVIEST PAIR
OF EARRINGS IN THE STORE,

"AND DO YOU HAVE A CARD?
I WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING

REALLY TASTELESS."

TO TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, STEPH, I DIDN'T...

EXACTLY PICK THEM OUT.

WHAT, EXACTLY, DID YOU DO?

I, UH, I PICKED THE MAN
WHO PICKED THEM OUT.

YOU SENT A FLUNKY
TO BUY MY PRESENT?

SUGARPLUM, I WAS SO DARN BUSY...

WE'RE DOING THIS SPECIAL SHOW...

JOANNA'S NEVER DONE TV BEFORE,

AND DICK IS RIDDLED
WITH DOUBTS ABOUT HER.

IS THAT TRUE?

I... I DON'T THINK
THE WORD "RIDDLED"

ACTUALLY CAME UP.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU
LIED TO ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

HELLO, HELLO! YOU
MUST BE DICK LOUDON.

- OH.
- I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU... YOU'D BETTER
BE THE LOVE DOCTOR.

THIS... THIS IS MY WIFE, JOANNA.

[P.A.] ONE MINUTE TO
AIR. PLACES, PLEASE.

AND THAT WAS MICHAEL'S
GIRLFRIEND, STEPHANIE.

SOMETHING'S GOING ON HERE.

COULD IT BE LOVE?

OH YEAH. WE'RE RIDDLED WITH IT.

PARTLY, WE LOVE THE BELOVED.

AND PARTLY, WE LOVE
THE BELOVED'S LOVE.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING WE LOVE
TO LOVE MORE THAN LOVE ITSELF.

CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

OUR GUEST TODAY
IS DR. FRANKLIN TODD,

AND OUR TOPIC IS... WELL, LOVE.

THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME
TO OPEN UP THE PHONE LINES.

JOANNA, MAYBE YOU'D
LIKE TO TELL THE VIEWERS

HOW THEY CAN CALL IN.

THERE'S THE PHONE. CALL IN.

WELL, I... I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING TO ADD.

UM... EXCEPT, MAYBE,
THE NUMBER TO CALL

IS 555-LOVE.

[PHONE RINGS]

YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

DICK? YOU AND JOANNA
HAVE BEEN MARRIED 18 YEARS.

HOW DO YOU KEEP
IT FROM GOING STALE?

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU
BROUGHT THAT UP.

UH, JOANNA AND I HAVE
ALWAYS WORKED VERY HARD

AT KEEPING THE LINES
OF COMMUNICATION OPEN,

RIGHT, HONEY?

I HOPE THAT ANSWERS
YOUR QUESTION.

WELL, UH, NOT EXACTLY...

YOU KNOW, THAT RAISES
A VERY INTERESTING POINT.

HOW CAN A COUPLE KEEP

THAT FIRST LOVE ZING ALIVE?

BEATS ME.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I HAVE AN
EXERCISE THAT'S DESIGNED

JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE.

ALL YOU DO IS YOU
TRY TO REMEMBER

THOSE LITTLE THINGS
ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON

THAT FIRST MADE
YOU FALL IN LOVE.

JOANNA. TELL US SOMETHING

THAT YOU REMEMBER ABOUT DICK.

SOMETHING NICE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

- WELL.
- DON'T BE SHY,

- WHAT IS IT?
- OH, IT'S JUST...

WELL, HE WAS ALWAYS
SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR

NICELY DRESSED BUT WEARING

A MISMATCHED PAIR OF SOCKS.

IT WAS SO CUTE.

AND TO THIS DAY, IF HIS
SOCKS AREN'T LAID OUT FOR HIM,

HE'LL PUT ON A PAIR
THAT DOESN'T MATCH.

[ALL LAUGH]

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

IT'S YOUR TURN, DICK.

OH, WELL, THAT...
THAT SHOULD BE EASY.

UM... LET'S SEE.

[DICK LAUGHS]

WHAT?

WELL, UM, JOANNA ISN'T
A SQUEAMISH PERSON.

BUT, UM, ONCE I WENT OVER

TO HELP HER WITH
SPRING CLEANING...

[DICK LAUGHS]

AND SHE... SHE WAS...

SHE WAS STANDING
ON TOP OF THIS TABLE.

DICK.

YEAH, IT TURNED OUT THAT

SHE WAS TERRIFIED
OF DUST BUNNIES.

DUST BUNNIES?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THOSE
LITTLE BALLS OF DUST

THAT COLLECT UNDER FURNITURE.

SHE... SHE'S GOT A
REAL PHOBIA ABOUT 'EM.

NO, I DON'T!

OH, COME ON, HONEY. IT'S CUTE.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S SILLY,

AND YOU'RE JUST MAKING
A FOOL OF YOURSELF.

- I SEE A DUST BUNNY.
- AAH!

NOW, NOW IS THAT CUTE OR WHAT?

NO.

THAT'S ONE OF THE
MOST INSENSITIVE THINGS

I'VE EVER SEEN.

YEAH, SEE, JOANNA
UNDERSTANDS THAT...

THAT, UM...

DARN, TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK IN JUST A MINUTE

WITH...

MORE LOVE THAN YOU
CAN SHAKE A STICK AT.

WHOA.

BOY, DICK, THAT'S THE NICEST
VALENTINE'S DAY DINNER TABLE

YOU EVER SET.

YEAH, I REALLY, REALLY
KNOCKED MYSELF OUT.

YEAH, I DON'T BLAME
YOU. I CAUGHT THE SHOW.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GET JOANNA A NICE GIFT.

YEAH, I DID. SHE'S
OUT EXCHANGING IT.

WELL, SIT DOWN.

HERE'S SOMETHING
TO CHEER YOU UP.

C... COCONUT CANDY.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

THANKS, GEORGE.

OH, GEE. DICK, YOU
HATE COCONUT CANDY.

DON'T YOU?

YEAH, GEORGE.

WELL.

I LIKE COCONUT, DICK.

SO... WHY DON'T I
JUST TAKE THIS AND...

AND GIVE YOU THESE?

SHOES.

SURPRISE. I REALLY GOT YOU

WITH THE CANDY THING, DIDN'T I?

YEAH, I WALKED RIGHT
INTO THAT, GEORGE.

THANKS, GEORGE.

JOANNA STILL HATES
CARAMELS, RIGHT?

- YEAH.
- GREAT.

WHOA, NICE TABLE.

HI.

I'M LARRY. THIS IS
MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARYL.

WHAT... WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU GUYS?

BEING THAT IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY,

WE HAVE A PRESENT
FOR MS. STEPHANIE.

SHE... SHE ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S OKAY. WE
DON'T MIND WAITING.

OOH. VALENTINE'S SHOES.

WE THOUGHT OF GETTING HER SOME,

BUT THEY'VE BECOME
KIND OF CLICHED.

HI, HONEY. HOW'D
IT GO AT THE STORE?

I EXCHANGED YOUR GIFT
FOR SOME POTTING SOIL.

AND A VERY LARGE CREDIT, I HOPE.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE
MOST HUMILIATING DAYS OF MY LIFE.

FIRST THAT NASTY
LITTLE RALPHIE HAWKINS

RODE PAST ME ON HIS BIKE

AND DROPPED A DUST
BUNNY DOWN MY BACK.

AND THEN AT THE MARKET,
THE MANAGER SAID TO ME,

"AH WOULDN'T GO DOWN AISLE FOUR.

THEY'RE SWEEPIN' BACK THERE."

AND THEN, WHEN I WENT
BACK OUT TO THE CAR,

THIS WAS STUCK
ON THE WINDSHIELD.

"WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

"DUST-BUNNY BUSTERS.

WE AIN'T AFRAID OF
NO DUST-BUNNIES."

THE WHOLE TOWN
IS LAUGHING AT ME.

OH, I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

HEY... TYPING PAPER.

I HOPE IT'S THE KIND YOU LIKE.

GOTTA BE DARN CLOSE.

- WHOA.
- DITTO.

- NICE TABLE.
- YEAH.

AT LEAST DICK HAS GOOD TASTE.

CUPCAKE, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MORE I CAN DO

TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
WOULD IT HELP IF I FIRED CHUCK?

MS. STEPHANIE?

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE.

HERE.

WOULD YOU MIND
REACHING IN THERE FOR ME?

SEE, THIS IS A SILK DRESS,

AND THIS IS MY HAND.

IT'S A LOCKET.

I SEE THAT. THANK YOU!

VERY TASTEFUL.

OUGHTA BE.

WE HAD TO CLEAN OUT
THREE SEPTIC TANKS TO GET IT.

YOU MEAN, TO GET
THE MONEY FOR IT.

OKAY.

STEPH, YOU'VE GOTTA FORGIVE ME.

ONE MORE TIME ON MY KNEES,

I COULD KISS THIS
CREASE GOODBYE.

WELL, I GUESS WE
CAN DISCUSS THIS

OVER AN EVENING OF
RECKLESS SPENDING.

THERE'S YOUR DINNER.

FISH STICKS.

THE COOKING INSTRUCTIONS
ARE ON THE BOX.

HONEY.

I... I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

OH. WERE YOU THE ONE

WHO WAS EMBARRASSED IN
FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF VIEWERS?

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT... WHAT
CAN I DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

NOTHING. I'M JUST GOING
TO BE MAD FOREVER.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DON'T THINK I CAN'T SEE
YOU, RALPHIE HAWKINS!

THANK YOU, MS. PEABODY,
FOR THAT INSIGHT

INTO THE PERILS OF
SUBSTITUTE TEACHING.

I'VE, UH, I'VE CONCLUDED
THIS INTERVIEW A LITTLE EARLY

BECAUSE... A FEW DAYS AGO,

ON OUR VALENTINE'S
SHOW, I... INADVERTENTLY

HUMILIATED MY WIFE.

WELL, THIS AFTERNOON,

I'M GOING TO DO THE SAME TO ME.

HERE... HERE IT GOES.

ONCE, WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE

AND... AND REALLY NEEDED MONEY,

I... I HEARD THIS ART CLASS

WANTED MODELS FOR AN
ADAM AND EVE PAINTING.

WELL, I VOLUNTEERED.

AND SINCE... SINCE I WAS ADAM,

ALL THEY... ALL THEY
GAVE ME TO WEAR

WAS... [DICK MUMBLES]

A FIG LEAF.

I WAS REALLY, REALLY

STRAPPED FOR CASH THAT SEMESTER.

ANYWAY, WHEN I...
WHEN I CAME OUT IN MY,

MY COSTUME, THE... THE
WHOLE CLASS AND EVE

VOTED TO REPLACE ME
WITH A BOWL OF FRUIT.

AND... EVER SINCE THEN,

I'VE HAD WHAT
YOU COULD CALL A...

A PHOBIA ABOUT ABOUT ART.

WELL, SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK ON VERMONT TODAY.

JOANNA, I HOPE
THIS DID THE TRICK.

AND THANK YOU, MS. PEABODY,
FOR BEING ON THE SHOW.

JOANNA?

I'M IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHOA.

NICE TABLE.

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN ACTING SILLY.

NO, NO, YOU HAVEN'T. I...

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU FELT.

THURSDAY WAS JUST A BAD DAY.

LET'S MAKE TONIGHT OUR
VALENTINE'S DAY, HMM?

I'VE GOT CHAMPAGNE CHILLING,

AND I'VE GOT VEAL
CORDON BLEU IN THE OVEN.

WELL, I GUESS YOU...

REALLY APPRECIATED
THE SHOW TODAY.

OH, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH
TIME TO MAKE A DINNER LIKE THIS

AND WATCH THE SHOW.

YOU... YOU MISSED THE SHOW?

YEAH. FIRST TIME EVER.

BUT THE... THE TABLE,
THE DINNER, WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

I COULDN'T STAY MAD FOREVER.

BUT YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

YOU... YOU PROMISED
YOU'D STAY MAD FOREVER.

DICK, DID SOMETHING
HAPPEN ON THE SHOW?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I KNOW WHERE YOU
LEAVE, RALPHIE HAWKINS!

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]